Abundance seeped into average and before I knew, it blended with insignificance. Soon it became non- existent. My identity and the amount of contentment waned before I could register the nightmare coming to shape. Self-dependence had zoomed straight into nothingness.
It took my work, confidence and a few acquired not really any relationship to realize what I want. Reverse the essence: if those acquired relationships were not given the undue precedence, this post would not have found words. I would have kept my work, attitude and myself too.
Once again, I am set to create the colors of rainbow on my canvas the shades of which I lost not so long back. The splashing tides from not so remote past still scare my state of being threatening me to lap me within its depth.
I seem to have found the strength to carry on, taking things in stride… I will, once I get ahead. I need to gain momentum and that’s irritating me- the lack of it. Maybe it’s brewing at the horizon. Perhaps, it’s hit me even as I write this; displacement is what I am craving. I am desperately awaiting that upward thrust that will send me to the edge from where the things bothering me in the present will then become insignificant. The frustration catches my already bruised ego so often that I have begun to wonder if what I earned when I think I thrived in abundance was really enough. Haven’t I reached already where I was then? In some ways- yes; others… no. My benchmark has changed.
It’s the lost good and more of the other side of good that’s ruling my present. I need to earn my present before my efforts to keep the past where it rightfully belongs -in the past- wears down. I am nurturing all I’m left with from then to recreate myself. In course of events, I decided to reinvent myself instead of rediscovering… the transition has begun alright. I find this new me better than who I was then… a lot of things those belonged to remote past have found home in me again. I see winds from childhood and youth playing in my hair. This had not happened to me before. I had merrily swept my old-self away to create the future that I am craving to call past! If I keep the number of years I have lost to gain what I have now; then, it’s abundance again… only, the idea of it has modified slightly. The pointers to it are regardless, what matters is the bit earned in attainment.
On a lighter note, my brands are back in the shelves; a few really big and better ones too. I take pride in posting pictures of what I wore, when to work. Yet, when I draw a comparative graph with people I knew v/s time spent, I feel spaced out. Once what seemed to be a mammoth time is now a mere value in time. My having spent a year in the organization I’m associated with in the present isn’t giving me any reason to smile. Instead, it’s making me ponder upon how easily I had let many one-year-time-spent-with-previous-organizations sit aside. Why hadn’t I seized those work anniversaries and gloated in the wake of collecting achievements! Perhaps, that would have kept me floating…
It seems dreamlike to me my previous work affairs and hence, I keep to myself and that isn’t helping. I’m biting my own tail and screaming. Yeah, I know what I need and can’t bear to wait either. Are there any options over the ones sighted?
I call upon my faith in Unknown: the forces of Universe, the Cosmic Law to deliver what’s for me.