Beyond my wits!

It is only right that every end marks the birth of a new beginning!

They say all that begins comes to an end so anything that was born will die its own or brought upon it death. It’s also true that where there’s a vacuum, the nearby substance would move in to fill that space.

But what about the thoughts those keep my mind clouded even when I want to only shirk those away? The ones those keep me occupied as though that’s all I was meant to do? It doesn’t matter if I am in a company or sitting lonesome, those thoughts keep blowing in my mind like mad evening breeze. The bright and the sharp tones keep etching and playing themselves like some chaotic landscape. Some are pleasant; some are not. Some are questions; answer to which I may know but curiosity keeps nudging at me to sit back and see what would be- may I say this time?

Words like soul- mate, passion, love seem to have defined themselves for the first time ever. Definitions have been merging out of the denial that I have been living in till now. By not allowing myself to think over, am I being easy again? Maybe this time I should be.. Alas, if only the allowance could rule the disobedience.

Differences are huge- attitude, life-style, understanding of life- almost diagonally opposite. Yet, I kept giving in and if I am writing about it here, I am still giving in then. Abstaining is complete denial. But my making the very mention of that is the acceptance in itself!

My peeve of drawing comparisons between two people is not working well this time. The similarities or the un-canniness range from some of the afflicted relationships to some very memorable ones to some I would never be able to hold with anyone again. Or maybe I just did this once bit! Infact, all of those altogether..

I feel I stand under a hail-storm. Realizations, questions, their answers and then newer questions have been hitting me all over as I stand naked trying to absorb life this one time. Never ever have I let my guards down so low that the other one sees right through me. I feel I have been pierced through every pore and when there were no more left to be stabbed, newer ones were wounded in. Never before I talked so much or shared things so very personal to me without caring for any opinion or judgement. Never before my words were heard so loud before I actually even decided to speak. Never before was I held so many times up. Never before was I pulled out held by my hand. Never before did I cry or laugh with life thrown in at stake. Never before the windows of my thoughts were forced open so many times.

Metaphorically and quite literally too!

I am thinking too much but I’m done giving in on impulse. It’s deeper than any instinct could tell. It’s burning my insides like some fire in the woods. I feel the fire and the ice both at the same time steaming me to vapor.

• I need some water to burn the fire down.
• I need some warmth to melt those ice crystals before they hit me.
• I need some hand to hold me forever so I don’t even stumble or fall down.
• I need a canvas to paint and keep doing that forever..
• I need that music to keep me under its spell till eternity and beyond!
• I need a door so I can walk out- out of the hurricane of thoughts, away from the eye of the cyclone.

One way or the other!

• I wish to live and love.

Or awaken my peeve of running away… only my mind is not letting me do that!!!

I want to be whole again and then forever so these thoughts lose their existence… for all times to come.

Discovering what Love means

“Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry..”

Cold weather, freezing winter winds and one soppy teary Love Story- and what have you?

Last few weeks, I have been watching movies, the English movies. Quite surprisingly I have started watching the spooky horror movies, the ones those turn out to be horror thriller movies instead of some ugly burnt mindless body making you jump over you couch. Only I am not a potato, neither am munching on any wafers!

Starting with a beautiful Mozzart piece- my personal fave to be precise; the movie made a very different impact on me. Although shot in an era or how the audience is made to float in, it was very relate-able. The girl (or the heroine), I could identify myself with her at the very first instant. Witty, intelligent and clever; definitely picking her man very carefully, she made me smile like I had known her from somewhere. A lovely made-for-each-other sort of romantic movie; it made me sit and grin and mush all over. Oliver (the hero of the movie) is a stinking rich man any girl would love to fall in love with, sits on the ice- covered walkway bench and muses about his girl. It was like standing at a beautiful view-point and turning back to narrate how your travel was till then. As it so happens, the girl gets sick terminally and passes away leaving a young widower to mourn and rave about the life he just lost.

Till about some time back, I used to dig for the types- not anymore.

I loved the movie- no doubt about it. But it just reminded me of the movie I watched years back. The girl kills herself to save her lover, apparently, he kills himself over too. Years later, after deciding I don’t want any of these “sick”ly love stories, I go out to watch something very similar. “Rockstar” if you may want to know. I had gone to watch that in cinemas with someone (yes, someone..). I cried at the end and had stood in front of the screen entering the hall again from the other exit to hide my tears- if only they knew how not to slide down my cheeks.

I have come to believe that you make of yourself exactly the movies you watch.

The recent inclusion of horror or suspense thriller (as the case maybe); I am yet to understand which way I’m heading lifeward. Perhaps, I am learning how to take the dirty details exactly in my face. By the end of the learning curve, I would not give any more leeway to people so they hopelessly prove my judgement about them right. People who know me beyond the surface level know I do tend to give a second and sometimes third chance also- only to be hit back by my being so easy about my conclusion about them. Now, I might just learn to act upon the message I usually send out of “I don’t give people a second chance ever”.

I do watch cartoons and sci-fi stuff a lot.

Did you hear that? Fairy tales and fictions I said. I hope I do make my life a happily ever after with loads of happiness thrown in. For now, I still hear Mozzart playing over a snow clad set with a smart chic woman who loves music and loses her life exactly when she wanted to be a mother!

~*~*~

P.S.- Only one person I know would be able to decipher the last few lines..

In two minds!

6th January, 2012- 9.30pm

The thunders are quite literally thundering. All that glass shattering noise is freaking the ghost out of me. I do feel scared; feeling the very same right now.

These are the times when my instincts work faster than the flash of lighting. Like how it takes some time before we hear it after we see it; it stones me for a few seconds before the realization starts preparing me for the patch up. Ordinarily, people break down and wail. I sit up and start analyzing the occurrence to save myself the next time. Only by the next time, I grow too matured to even call upon anything remotely similar.

An even uglier stance starts preparing to hit me.

Gothic at its best, the chills of the winter combined with rains sets the perfect backdrop for those paranormal movies. The ones where you don’t see the spirit, but only feel being watched over. How we cry in bouts, the drizzle keeps changing itself to pour and then fall, and then light fall to splitter splatter, till all the pain is gone away, till all that needs to be mourned about is done with.

I had left the upstairs door opened today, so had gone to latch that up. A falling rain-drop kissed me wet leaving me with a certain thought. Something happened a few days back and I am busy calculating the words those got processed in my mind in the most probable way. A certain peculiar vibrations were set. I am yet to decide whether to feel appalled taking offence since it sped up a few things, thoughts those would have taken months if not years to set its grasp; or to feel thankful about the same.

With each pouring drop, my mind is letting go off a lot of apprehensions that I had held unknowingly. Now that those are leaving, I feel lighter than before. Clearly, I have stepped up my initial insecurities. I still wait for his call no doubt, but that restlessness of whether-he-would is clearly gone. No matter how much it pours, nature only blossoms after a rain; my mind is also becoming greener letting many a new things shape up, earlier those were only a far-fetched idea , which seemed only a delusion.

Not anymore.

The stance was like a rain falling so hard that I was barely able to look-up. But like they say- every cloud has a silver lining; I see the rainbow come-up almost immediately. How hard it was for me to suppress my desire to give someone a piece of my mind! Half of my mind is still doubtful wondering if now he has put up a farce to please me since maybe he has been made to think in a certain way?

Then again, if it is to get affected (or ruined) so simply, then it’s not worth it- what say?

Left out..

Just finished watching “Bol“
Wish I could put up the same question as the lead actress, the narrator herself does in the movie, to my dad.. Ironically, he is still alive and I’m no better than dead.

• Why killing is a crime and giving birth not?
• Why giving birth to an illegal child is criminal and giving birth to a legal one only to be left to rot in the hell not?

Thanks to him that I am not a mother yet.

In the whole process of his fathering me and then abandoning his family, he has left me as an illegal child who is only leading a life of an orphan. Things are so screwed up that no man has been courageous enough to take me the way it is. Guess what, they all are but men.

Quite miserably I have been forced to live a life of that of a loner. Beneath the façade that I put up of being a snob and fiercely independent lies a great yearn to build a family of my own. However, I could never trust a man enough to take him as the father of my child. I have made everyone around me believe that I don’t like kids when on the contrary I kept growing up my daughter in my thoughts.

My father not only ruined his own married life, but also my mom’s and mine too. I am yet to understand that how many more generations to come would take repercussions to my father’s that one careless act!

The very fact that I resemble him makes me feel no better. After all the years of brooding about the past stances that perhaps I’m leading my mom’s life- since all that happened with my mom was re-repeated with me too; I realised that actually, I’m living a life quite similar to that of my dad’s. Horribly redundant to mention; the realization was not at all pleasant.

Alongwith the other artistic talents, I have also inherited his mastery over running away. Although my running away is situational and not a trait; however, I definitely know how to leave relationships behind and live alienated even in a company or family. That I do so out of no choice is something I choose to ignore at this point in time.

For now, I am what my father made of me – a terrible social reject. A recluse and a borderline retard, who is too scared to initiate any relationship. How he lived solitary despite being in family and leaving them behind is something he has made me do too, making me live a deprived and missed out upon life.

I wish, I could disown him legally too.

DATE of exit

Is that a sign again?

I’m thrown back in time- just yet again. How it’s been for a year now, I’m being forced to look at several different times when my life had transitioned to different phases at different intervals. It’s hard to ignore what’s happening around me at present since it bears an uncanny similarity to the last few stale phases I crawled out of!

Dream come true.

For three consecutive nights, I dreamt of having shifted to a different place. On the fourth night, I indeed landed at a guest house to stay. Today’s the 3^rd night here. The room that I peeped into while walking out this morning is the room I have been shifted into tonight. Guess what, that’s the same room I stayed in some four months back. I had so wanted to write about one of the most beautiful days and the best date ever that it will be for all times to come. Only I wasn’t aware of the fact that I would be pushed back to the same guest house, same room yet another time where I would make a mention of that particular day. Now that I do it here, I have a strong conviction about something that had crossed my mind that evening.

It was only a few months back on 24^th July, 2011 that I lived the most wonderful date of my life till now. Upon reaching home, I had not wanted to there. It was peak summer, my air-conditioning unit wasn’t working. That was when this thought had crossed my mind for the very first time.

Landing down here in this guest house 2 nights back, I had become stoned.

As much as I wish to gain stability, I have only been living a life of a wanderer; noble, if I may! I had shifted to Gurgaon in December 2007, after which I spent straight 4 months locked up in a (different) guest house. With no place to go out to and no one coming in to see me; that’s the best expression I have to explain how it was. All I had was 2 set of night changes, and a pair of jeans to live in. That’s when I had turned into a recluse. Few of my friends, or so they claimed had in length conversation with me over the phone; however, never made any attempt to meet me or even ask me to drop by their place- one of them lived only a few blocks away. The current phase had started with my stay in a guest house; I have all the reasons to believe that it would end in a similar manner too.

Yes, I was out on a date with him yet again!

Today, on the 3^rd night of my 2^nd time stay at this guest house, I am barely able to take control. of my brooding mind. Strangely enough, my thoughts are mixed and are not limited to feeling upset alone. The last two times the electricity problem had caressed the wires, which is why I am here; I had shifted out of those fallen out phases. For the past few months, I have spent more time out of my home, including nights. In the most harsh manner, is time once again warning me about what is to hit me and soon?

Is it time already that I leave this obnoxious arrangement? Maybe one of those dates with him would actually not letme go back to my life that needs a change already!

I’m waiting anxiously..

Screaming solitude

Lack of communication leads to disaster results- says my best friend Ruby!

That’s one of the things I can’t handle besides rejection and indifference.

Come to think of it- all of these are very much related to each other. An outloud coldplay of no emotions expressed towards someone. It sets me into thinking how can a social animal- like we human are, can do something as cruel as this? So far my observation has been that only people with a secured upbringing surrounded by their family and close-bound relationships are the ones who exhibit such brutal expression. Obviously someone who is a loner and is devoid of any relationship- blood or acquired, wouldn’t dare to put the other one into a vacuum.

I am lost in the past.

With absolutely no one to speak with for the past couple of days, which is actually how it was even otherwise before he happened to me, I was forced to go back in time. I mean what else would you do when everything how it is in your present stems back from your past? This is despite the fact that I kept all of that beside me and written down every bit of it explicitly in my blog! I wonder how much someone’s silence made me go back to time when my my life changed to become how it is today, when I was only a kid. No points for guessing- it was the indifference and silence that my life since childhood.

My childhood witnessed my dad and my uncle never speaking with each other, my mom and dad never interacting with each other and I entrapped in the dilemma of talking to whom out of the three. They would avoid every probability of going out in public together- so that they don’t end up communicating even accidentally. My dad wouldn’t talk to me the day he would see me talking to my uncle. Feeling sorry for my dad, I would spend most of my time with him- for which I would be reprimanded by mom till I stopped speaking with him one day.

That wasn’t the end of it.

Like any other young girl, my dad was my first love, who only abandoned us and went absconding when I was all of 12. A year later, my teen crush (perhaps it was not) made me do something that I regretted about till few months back; only to be put back into more or less the same situation as that was by someone yet again. I was sort of labeled as an outcast in both the schools. A huge confusion resulted in making me go completely silent; what options did I have when no one really spoke with me? The second school I went to, I was never accepted. Excepting for a few fun months with Ruby after which she shifted her school, I was treated like an alien!

Soon I stopped talking to my uncle after he barged into the washroom with me standing stark naked. My mom had once made me go for a shower with my dad despite my discomfort long back; after the incident with my uncle, I stopped speaking with her too. The only few months I happen to speak with her in all my life with her is for only 3 months-after which I lost her to death.

Conclusion:

• Best of the relationships only lasts for a few months.
• If I love someone, I lose him no matter (to) what.
• If at all a friendship develops, it’s always long distance.

The only opportunity that I got to live a relationship even if in a fallacy for just a few months has been rudely snatched away from me. Yet again..

Why, I’m not surprised!

Living some life!

Sharing every detail of the day that just passed by like any other, with a laughter and glow in your eyes like it was a special one.. Sharing the passwords of your internet accounts.. Letting the other one see how shabby you might look soon after you wake up, not really bothered about your looks but hurrying to kiss the other one a nice morning.. Talking every detail out of your mind till you can remember no more, all of which is long gone..

Ever wonder why we do all of this?

More than sharing, it’s about the other one letting you see your world as if he was a part of it while those instances were happening! I wouldn’t mind if I were to tip toe after the shower in a towel while he may accidently lift up his face. The idea is not to seduce him while I act all coy or innocent but it’s about sharing my very own self the way I am. It reflects upon how comfortable I maybe really to do that without feeling shy or worrying about being not in a perfect shape as the case could be.

Cliché!

You could say. You won’t if you are in love. I have had people around me- that’s right, never in my life. My life till now has been like walking through a Victorian Era museum. Curios, artifacts and the rare jewels all displayed for the visitor to look at and admire- but only from a distance. On the face of it, I have a perfect life- style, but like I said, it’s only on the surface. Like an elaborate packaged gift, one would see a very different content when the façade is scratched down. When I’m letting someone read me beyond all of that glitters which most definitely is not gold, I’m letting that someone to know all about me, so he knows all about everything like he were a part of my day and night.

It’s like living in my very own fairy tale.

I am the princess and the prince becomes when I am with him. I care not of the time or even the lack of it as long as he is around me- even though it may be only for a few minutes! It doesn’t matter either if all of this is to end so soon as if gone like a beautiful dream.. I will live every bit of what comes my way like it’s my own life even though when it may not be!

Who really cares what happens thereafter?