Freaking out on Friday

Ever since I brought my Computer table along with the system to my room; I am re- discovering newer things.

Things, those should have been a part of my life by now, as is others’. I am not complaining though. The roller coaster ride I‘ve been since long on; I am thankful enough to have reached a level where I can talk about it- instead of still being pulled by the engine!

For now, I am trying to appreciate all that I have.

I decided to clean up the files and papers stacked up in that Computer Table that I got made last year. I ended up making enough room for placing a few CDs. I didn’t own a DVD player till now; not up until the new system was installed in December of 2010. The VCD player that was a part of my Sales Incentive from Convergys, didn’t play very well. Quite obviously I didn’t fix it up with the television after I shifted to Gurgaon in December- 2007. That may be one of the reasons why I have only a handful of CDs with me.

While stacking those out in the shelf from their packing case from last 3 years; I saw one of my fave movies CD sat there. What then? I closed all the blog windows and switched on for some guilt free Me Time. The last time I watched this movie was when towards the end of my previous transition phase. I told you; there are too many things happening as a repeat making me feel nervous!

How freaky could it get?

Freaky Friday is one of those movies that keep me teary eyed from start till end with a big grin on my mouth. I hear their performance song and burst into goose bumps yet another time, the moment Anna in her mom’s body starts strumming her guitar. Needless to say, I (am) freaked out totally. How else could I have celebrated the Mother’s Day weekend? Even the power cuts didn’t bother me up until I finished watching both the CDs.

What’s more; today’s a Friday! Whoa! What are the odds again? 

Edit (2200hrs): It’s been storming since I finished watching that movie. 

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Submitted for Theme Thursday

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Now Bald n still Beautiful!

That’s right. After being goldy locks, I am now baldy looks.

I didn’t think I would have to write this post… initially at least!

It isn’t a big deal… or is it?

After contemplating to do this for close to a year; it was the last couple of months when I wanted to do it really bald… err.. bad I mean! I knew the comments and reactions would come flooding. I was more than prepared to hear those. So much so that I wondered if someone didn’t react!

I am beginning to grow tired of replying to “why”. I know that’s to understand the logic.. but is that illogical to begin with?

For several nights together; I talked to my face to let the moving strands stroll for a couple of nights more. I found it just so irritating to get my cheeks sweeped by those loose short strands while tossing in my sleep. I used a hand towel (maintained separately) to cover my head to keep the flying hairies away! It indeed is one helluva experience to toss around all over the bed without having to worry about tangling the hair or get some naughty ones to jump up my face. Needless to mention, disorder upsets me.

Summers make me feel as though being cooked inside a broiler. Spend 2 minutes in the kitchen and you become a dried and soggy cabbage. Just about yesterday, I cooked for close to an hour with all the 4 burners aflamed, stepping out without a single trickle of sweat. I noticed; my bald head was smiling big. So was I.

I can now shower up as many times as I want to with as many head washes thrown in. My tonsil glands get agitated if I were to wash my head everyday- even in summers. Thankfully, they have hibernated when the scissors called “snips” on my hair.

On a serious note: My hair was pretty light around my forehead. If tied back, they would behave as individual tufts. I was scared when I noticed the bald patches on my head. They have been ruling my hair since ever! The good news is, as I am watching my hair grow back, I don’t see any empty patches or lines. Fine strands have become healthier. They are soft and brown still; but that fineness (almost limp) has gone. I often joked about promoting conditioners. Even if my hair was to be washed in sea water using the harshest of the detergents; it would touch smooth and comb straight like silk thread. I could actually do with some curls and real tight ones at that.

The day I was to cut them; it seemed they were all ready in unison.

I didn’t need to detangle even though I had washed the hair the night before. I ran my fingers and they had traveled down without jerks. They not only had become bouncy after being treated with Olive Oil for two months; but had also grown long too. This act is again quite repetitive of my previous transitional phases. I have cut my hair short twice before this. Both of the times I was emerging out of a transition. I wouldn’t know if my soul yearns for a fresh crop every time! The co- incidence is bit too much to ignore. Why am I not surprised!

For everyone else chasing me with a “why”; I haven’t committed any murder.

For crying out loud, these are some dead protein tissues which ask for really expensive maintenance when eventually they will turn grey and fall out. If you know me; then it’s not because of my hair but because of who I am. If you say hair is a part of my personality; I say- here’s a part of my personality! C’mon, my clips n clutchers would be back in business- should I wish to grow them again (aren’t you pleased to know?) As of now, I don’t wish to! I already have a few hairdos lined up in my mind- complete with hair color n the works.

If it still doesn’t make any sense; then blame it on my mother.

Ever since she’s left me; I have been acting as per her wishes. I had definitely wanted to sashay around in long hair; but now have lost all the charm. Reasons- one too many. It’s been over 3 years now that I am locked up at my house, absolutely no place to flaunt my hair or looks at. Let’s say I have moved on. The blog friends I have today are because of what I write (however crappy it maybe); and not because of my doll like blonde hair. My real life friends who know me up close would anyways be able to relate to it.

There’s absolutely no reason why I did it! I wanted to; I have.

I am anyways a free- spirited woman. Completely liberated- this is only the outer aspect that’s showing.

• We weren’t born with long hair.
• There’s a reason why tonsuring is practiced.
• If nails are a dead tissue, so is hair.
• Ain’t the woolly mammoth extinct?

If I could survive on my own since my teens all by myself; I would survive with a bald head too. Really! Why can’t someone go and ask my estranged dad a “why”? The same bunch of people who wanted to make peace with whatever dad has done to me and my mom, are the ones who are screaming why!

Look around- bald is beautiful and so am I. The amount I’ll save upon the healthy upkeep of these strands, will be a waste anyway; I’ll do some charity instead. The time it takes to comb and shine and blah.. is just not worth! I do have many and better things to keep myself occupied with. Let me make room for my hobbies and passion.

Wait, WHY do I have to have or give a reason for everything? Can’t something be spontaneous?

WHY NOT?

It’s only a few tufts of hair that I pulled off my own head. I haven’t sucked the life out of anyone’s heart. No one ever wanted to know how I survived each time I was thrown out of my home. How come some keratin mammalian cognition become so important over than being a human?

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Taking a Bald Step

• The water will flow down your body keeping in contact with the skin surface right from the first point when it hits your head..
• Your head would feel airy..
• You will save on shampoo expense!

Some of the “intense imageries” my domestic maid has painted around what I have decided to do finally! What she doesn’t understand is there is much more than those silly parameters by which she leads her life currently.

• I am a rebel and also a protagonist.
• Moreso, I’ll do exactly that which is considered taboo!
• You may call me unconventional.

My version:

• I am a rebel.
• I take pride in doing exactly what is considered taboo!
• I am unconventional.
• I tend to do things that would make the eye- balls pop out; if not the wits!
• I love the attention
• I love to experiment.
• I want to try everything once- oh yessss! If I like it; I will make it my signature style. Go ahead, run your imagination wild now!
• I wish to break all that which restricts a woman.
• My mom was a daring do herself. Blame it on her for polluting my mind with her sermons.

If you are reading this; then I have done it already.

Plus points:

• Ever- ready to step out without really bothering about styling.
• I now wear a contemporary style all the time.
• No bad hair days!
• I can head shower as many times as I would want to in a single day without worrying about infecting/enlarging my tonsil glands.

This one’s to you Dear Mom!

This is one of the steps taken towards breaking free from all possible tangible n intangible attachments!

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Submitted for Magpie Tales

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Time stops now!

Whoever said that time cannot be captivated?

You certainly can capture a moment. Along with it- a vignette, a chronicle or a narrative to describe the “caught” moment-o. You capture a moment within words in mind, defined by brush- strokes in a painting, or clicked by lenses in snap- shots. The joy of that instant, the intensity of the hurt in displayed emotions or the very essence of that split- second moment; gets arrested in a sheet, memories or even cyber- media! Like the event itself, the framed moment too lives forever.

It’s a spark that spreads the fire!

So instead of a split second time; also a series of events that must have happened at a different or previous or even later time, gets encaged. The photo- albums aren’t plastic pockets with colored photo paper only; it’s the emotions captured alongwith an account of that occasion. Paintings are much more than some colors done bleeding on paper. Those are the feelings captured by the bristles of the brush and the tale then follows; often, a legend is born.

Words say the most.

The precedence, the relevance and the subject matter- all explicitly. Like a detailed engraved pillar with vines, the substance get etched against the pillar of time- with many associated tales springing around it! An introduction, preface, and even an edit section grace the real body of the matter. Millions of seconds get seized within a few hundred words. A simple word like “Universe” says it all! No metaphors needed to give the explicit.

An entire generation and beyond is lived in those captured words!

Likewise, it bounds uncountable emotions in a painting. An individual, his life, his success or the lack of it gets framed in his portrait. No matter how successful he might have not been in his life; a legend is born anyways. Millions of stars can be seen twinkling across on a clear night sky. The stars captured in photos twinkle each time those are viewed; bringing back floods of memories and emotions estranged and buried. A small bit of life is then lead while viewing a photo; a life that you might have led then or a life you could not lead ever! Some minutes of present day time gets stolen while you sit starry eyed thinking of the possibilities those could have been. While losing yourself viewing the snap- shot; you lead a life that you could not- anyway; so what if only within minds!

The paper does not remain life-less any longer.

Like how snap- shots are shown in Harry Potter movies; those also tend to breathe and move! It isn’t magic but a different dimension altogether. Like some demi-god ourselves, we tend to “create” dimensions and in those we decide who to put in! This isn’t the only life we live. We live our lives in others’ minds within their memories. We lead a life that we may not be aware of in someone else’s imaginations or yearnings. We become lively again- each time our photos are viewed or we are talked about or something about us is read somewhere across the globe. Similarly, cyber- space could also be a “live” culture to hold and inbreed the souls around in it!

A souvenir by Time.

While writing “love- letters” (that’s what those are called- ain’t those?); I would say that those words actually make me see him even though he may not be around physically- certainly not on a piece of paper. Yet I felt him talking to me whenever I read those letters. Read this as remote Past Tense- I write only on my blog now! At times; a gift or a memento, too revives our memories. The series of leading a stolen life in a stolen moment begins again. That would happen each time you would see those. Or is it the time that decides those mementos to show up?

And we say- time never stops!

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Green with Envy!

This cute looking fat- sole was sat stuck to my Curry Plant in winters of 2010. Poor small little wonder’s pics have been sitting for all this while without my putting them up- since 20th November, 2010 to be precise. Charged guilty..

I’ve decided to finally publicize the cute little green boy’s folio publicly today. I have a small story to compliment as well. I hope he doesn’t feel offended however! No intentions atleast. I hope he would understand. If at all, I am giving him a cover story to compliment. The story was told by my mom.

This is about a man who was highly paranoid about not talking while dining. No one was allowed to open their mouths except for placing their morsels inside of it. As it happened one day; the young boy of that man had wanted to say something no sooner they were sat for dining. You guessed it- he wasn’t allowed to speak.

For the next 20 minutes the boy had desperately wanted to speak and his father had gestured him to be quiet. The young one had even wanted to take the salad tray away. He had earned big eye ball stares in return. Father had then placed a big green piece of cucumber in his mouth and the boy wanted him to not eat that- or so it seemed by his actions. The boy was scolded, yelled at and sent away to his room.

After everyone else had had their food; father decided to check on the boy. He was summoned back to the dining table and asked about what was so important than to eat his food and quietly. The young boy was beyond being irritated! He was starving for crying out loud. He had begun eating without even looking up at anyone lest he was sent to his room again. The salad tray was empty as though to punish him.

After finishing his dinner; he had spoken up rather calmly.

“Dad! There was this big fat green little thing crawling on that cucumber you ate. I wanted you all to take note of that, but if only if you had let me speak. I had tried to warn you when you had popped it in your mouth but you had instead chosen to dismiss me. But now I guess it wasn’t really worth my attention, since you ate it anyway!!”

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Stark Entity

I admire birds for a very strong reason.

Try and tease one or pour a bucket of water when they may not be watching; they will simply fly away, never to come back. They would never stop in their flight to screech back at you. It will leave you stood there like a fool watching at its flight. It conveys its sarcasm without going beaks. It says it all- How poor a man is without wings or the ability to fly!

Their sense of detachment is what I envy.

• A new partner for every mating season.
• The male acting as the real provider by building the house and then taking turns to feed the babies.
• No pretensions of sex being a pleasurable act when all it is to take the progeny forward. A couple unites to only mate and not date!

That’s where it starts becoming ugly.

The concept of dating and mating is as controversial as Love itself. What has Love got to do with mating or even marrying? The 1^st one is about lust; the other one is about wanting to settle down with someone instead of going nomadic about it. Atleast birds are very clear when it comes to the concept of Love. They don’t create a huge fuss about it like we do.

Set free!

Yet another pattern I have observed is how revolting they become if you try to hold them or en-cage them! Unless you catch hold of the younglings. That’s when they adapt themselves to seeing human beings around them. Otherwise, they keep fluttering till you either let go of them or they end their lives themselves palpitating and starving. Unlike captivated human beings, they don’t try to adjust to the new place. No matter how much cold water or how many seeds you scatter around them; they won’t look at the grains till captivated. They prefer giving up their lives instead of chirping sat inside a cage. A small little fluffy bunch with beaks leads her life better than any virtuous human.

But we never learn from them or for ourselves.

There is a reason why we can’t fly. With a venomous tongue and shrewd mind; the added up ability to fly would only resurrect the dragons.

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Related Post

• The Green Serenity

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Wish comes true

Previous- End of Innocence

Things those are lost, find its own unique way to go back to you. Often in a way you may have not expected.

Although I have let go of what had happened back then- maybe because I met someone as wonderful as Ruby, or maybe because Himanshu failed me yet again and exactly how I had thought of him; I dreamt of that one more time.

For years, the nightmares have awakened me up from my disturbed sleep pattern. My entire class had stopped talking to me from the very next day. Not even the so called “best friends” wanted to see me in the eye! I was called names and ridiculed no end. I am yet to know the reason of that behavioral transformation myself- not that I care for anymore. My close friends were the ones who had done that to me. The same group of people, I am back in touch with- once again. I don’t hold any grudge against any one anymore. If at all, it let me see his true colors when still very young!

Manish Gupta had remained friends with me. It was only much later that a few of them had started talking to me. Those were the final exam days when Bimal would wish me luck. Tanu had still remained friends- Gaurav was neutral!

Yet again I dreamt of- I asking Manish what exactly was anyone’s problem that they had chosen to alienate me; the same night! I had narrated the incident to Ruby’s eldest sister in the day; dis- passionately though. It was about how Himanshu had also decided to not speak with me. It was then that I had concluded that a boy who couldn’t go against a class full 37 students would never gather enough courage to settle down for an inter- caste alliance and with a background of someone like that of mine.

Years later- I was proven just darn right!

As if I had known that nothing was to eventually happen about the two of us; I had requested him for his snap. That was when I studied in 6^th standard; a year back before that incident had killed the charm of studying in that school.

I have now witnessed to all the silver linings.

Whatever happened has changed my life for sure. Already, my father had walked out on us. Then, my class- mates had alienated me. We had shifted our house and then the school too- it was a new change- over for me. I could never adapt to so many changes happening at the same time. But that was only a glimpse of what was to come. Ever since my transitions have been giving too many things to deal with- making me learn in the process- a complete change from the past and an unknown future to get used to.

That snap I had kept requesting for; was never obtained. He had definitely not given any weightage to my request. I wasn’t any vocal about my feelings for him- but I guess that and my writing this here shows how much I felt for him even back then. The Birthday Party snaps were nice- again, he had not given me the copies. I hadn’t insisted much either. I used to keep busy with my rehearsals for extracurricular activities. I have barely been shot with the class. I am glad Paul sir had insisted upon I also getting clicked with the class. Who was to know that I would get to see that snap yet again after all these years- 21 years to be precise if not more!

I have always believed strongly upon my fate. I get whatever I want- maybe in a highly unexpected manner. I lose all the charm by then- but that’s a very small price that I pay in turn!

I am done feeling nostalgic. A feeling of enormity has crept in, in place of feeling vulnerable now. I didn’t go tears anymore. I laughed it off….

Hysterically.

Related Post

• My 1st Crush was my last Affair

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Eggliciously Yours

I love gorging on eggs and that’s a grave understatement.

Like a small little child who remains crazy for a bar of ice- cream every day, day after day; I am as biased towards the humble eggs! When young; I would make egg cones out of boiled egg whites mashing the yolks with the rest of the fillings. Elders had dismissed saying I would eventually grow out of that.

If at all, the fondness has grown back on me.

I take great pride in washing all the eggs before shelfing those in both the fridges. Like mini crystal balls they sit perched on the egg tray. I hate the fridge companies who don’t provide enough trays or big enough pits to hold the eggs. How non egg- friendly their design ideas are. Right from the deal of buying some, to prepare and eat; I remain as excited as one could be! The store I buy my – oh so breakable shells from, knows me darn too well. Reasons

• I would buy 4 -5 boxes at one go..
• I would hand- pick each one of them checking their size and weight!

I carry a huge grudge against the people who mis- treat the poor egg.

They would whip some, throwing in some chopped onions and fry the mix- in name of preparing omelet; till it becomes brown like bread and chewy like leather. The best egg dishes are prepared with a lot of care and some extra time to not really over- cook but cook with breaks. That ways, you get perfect melt-in-your-mouth-consistency eggs and yet not runny.

That’s how I prepare my egg dishes!

No matter how I may cook those; I love the running yolks. So be it any dish, I have learnt to keep one yolk (if not all) separately, at one side of the pan so I take all pleasure at the last morsel of my meal. It maybe hardened only enough for me to slide the golden globe gently onto my spoon and then plop! The orange, morning sun like, never to be spilled, considered a crime if at all- yolk bursts open within the confines of my mouth. I almost squeal orgasmic bouts while eating those. On some occasions I keep noising throughout my eating time. If in company; I close my eyes to feel the ecstasy!

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I couldn’t be thankful enough for Magpie Tales doing this theme. Only this morning I had thought about writing this about eggs.

The 1^st thing I cooked without being observed was the fried eggs. They were better than how mom used to. Mom had kept screaming the recipe from the washroom while doing the laundry! Despite her several “don’t forget to”, I didn’t spice it up! She would use turmeric so it becomes a dead leather patty. She could never learn how it was to be cooked before folding. I sincerely apologize for treating these fragile gem stones as veggies that we love to kill frying high throwing in as many spices! On the contrary, my granny prepared perfect white omelet. Although I didn’t get the opportunity to learn directly from her; I prepare pearly white omelets unless the yolk is a glowing sun!

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• The sunny side up with running yolks
• The poached eggs with running yolks
• Fried rice with eggs thrown in; atleast one running yolk saved at one side of the pan
• Boiled eggs with running yolks
• Sauteed onion rings with broccoli and eggs with running yolks
• mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……!

My Dear eggs, cheer up pearly ones! I am not at all bothered about your antecedents. I am not a prude. It doesn’t bother my skin whether it was eggs or the chickens that came first!

On a heavier note: We don’t get the double yolks too often here. That’s a rarity. Finding a right sized egg is a another big challenge. The brown shelled eggs make good omelets only. It’s the white shells with glowing orange yolks those are versatile. I even layer eggs while preparing. Fried, almost cooked, half cooked with running yolks on top! Anyone who thinks that yolk is calorie laden; please check the link. It’s a mega eye- opener about egg- nutrition.

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***Submitted for Magpie Tales***

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Fallen into a Pattern

If not a trap..

An incident that has happened very recently has taken me back to a memory lane that I had never imagined I would walk again. I was all of 17. It has scarred my life permanently. Even if the wounds heal; memories remain, scars last- sometimes forever. These scar then becomes the tell tale signs.

My cooking gas cylinder had gone empty a few days back. I didn’t tell him that I needed a refill. I am tired of asking for even the basic things. It’s not booked in my name so I couldn’t call up the agency to do that either. I am still leading a nomadic life. At times I do feel sorry about this. This is exactly what happens when you are forced to lead a life of an illegal orphan from childhood onwards. Without a parental name or permanent address; it’s difficult to file for government department related papers. You tend to lead a life being dependent on others.

Often on man!

Isn’t that how our present day Society designed? It’s considered natural and traditional to paste a label of that of a man. Doesn’t matter how much you may be getting abused; it’s always respected to be with a man. Or else; you are a high flying street walker.

Instance 1

I was being forced out of my home after my had mom died. My dad had abandoned our family way back when I was 12. My uncle was cousin maternal uncle who was helped by my mom n dad both to plan out his career; when they themselves were struggling to survive. There were 2 gas cylinders booked in my dad’s name. My uncle had booked one in his name much later. The brands were different. Why I am telling you this is because the day I was to move out of my uncle’s house, I was allowed to take only 1 cylinder. The 2^nd one was of a different brand. I quite didn’t understand how!

It was a set- up well planned by my uncle. He had pretended that when my neighbors had borrowed a filled one in exchange of an empty one and money, I had given them a different brand! Farce. My uncle had arranged to place a different cylinder so I could not pick up both the cylinders. But why did I have to think of that now?

Instance 2

The blotch I had stayed with had never arranged for the cylinder to be refilled. He had made me cook on a kerosene stove for over a year. It was only after I had completed my college, so I could save what I would earn that that cylinder was refilled. Is there any relevance to think of him anymore?

Instance 3

My ex was not at all interested to be my man. He was busy playing his role as his mother’s boy! I was not allowed to step inside their kitchen so I had my cylinder operating in small pantry like area upstairs- at the 2^nd floor where I stayed. Since that was a metro city; it wasn’t difficult to get that refilled at a higher rate though. All through the years that I have stayed on my own till I committed a mistake of marrying Hemant, I used to get that cylinder refilled. My landlord would help me whenever I needed a refill.

Today

After 3 days of no gas to cook; a small cylinder that is used by the slum dwellers or by the people who don’t live a decent life style for want of money was brought in. Using a different regulator than the usual one, it has been fitted so I prepare my food. The place I stay is not like a regular metro. There’s no mode of transport that’s available locally. You only step out of your house if you drive or call for a taxi.

The man who had wanted to play my provider’s part has reduced me to my domestic maid’s level.

She is watching everything closely. The lady who has been looking upto me for her things so far; now finds me standing next to her. So do I. She could today tell me a thing or two I need to know about this one. This man has succeeded where all other men have failed- caging me domesticated and helpless.

It doesn’t really matter what age a man is- most certainly he will shy away from his duties. He could have very well arranged to place an extra cylinder at my house; he hasn’t, not that I haven’t ever suggested that to him. He may have not asked for one to his extended family either. My question is; if he has problems talking about me to his folks, why the hell should he be talking about or meeting my friends? The idea sounds ridiculous to him- not that I care anymore.

Plucking the marigolds to show those off to his dad from my garden last year- just what was the big fun really? It’s been since August 2007; and he couldn’t take this “arrangement” any forward! It’s a shame to call this a relationship. It’s a mess that I am stuck into. The transition made me see things and appreciate the depth or the lack of it. I am completely detached now- mentally. It’s not love I am referring to here; my priority is to survive and with dignity.

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Note: Breaking away from him right now, would bring me to the same level where I had started from- no place to live in. For reference, I had been assisting him with his business. He has been referred to as my boss/oldie in my earlier posts. Things have been planned; materialization of the same would take some time.

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Dawn of a New Morning!

We were more enterprising when young.

No amount of scolding/discouragement could stop us from watching cartoons or running out to play- no matter what the weather used to be. We stood up each time we fell down- while running about! There was absolutely no stopping us. Cut to adulthood; we have our reservations “reserved” about everything possible. Starting over- seems to be one Herculean task. The excitement that once bubbled screaming- “when..? Why not now?” has now been replaced with, “Is there a way to avoid it..?” We have grown up to become more complacent or inhibited; perhaps, even scared.

As kids, our “to- do” list was a never ending, always bugging elders compilation. No sooner one of the tasks was ticked off; ten others conjoined. Our parents were kept on their toes to make us feel “satisfied” and failed miserably. Almost often. Now, we tend to rest back and wile away precious time by our hand, trying to feel contented! But the question is- are you really contented?

I am not.

I have started over a few times already. Till the time I was running around; everything worked out fine. No sooner I sat back; I was left out. Life, work, relationship with men; all became stinking waste; so I had no other option than to step out, to maintain my sanity. I recognized this pattern during my work tenure with Convergys. The moment I had decided to take it easy; I was stagnated.

A few more things have happened since then which has made me believe into this concept firmly now.

This time around, when I completed a year of Blogging; I, instead of becoming laid back have grown more impatient. You may compare it with a rich man’s greed to acquire more wealth. No matter how much he earns, he feels he needs to acquire more!

Just around the same time, I had seen this transition coming. After being (and still) homebound since December 2007; I had wanted to venture out. The traveling, stepping out frequently, friends coming over to meet and spending the night over; started almost all at once, ever since I started to write. I am yet to understand the connection of my writing with this plethora of changes that have opened up like some new Galaxy of future events for me. I have come a long way from being a recluse to being as gregarious as I used to be! Not only have words healed me innerward; but also has evolved me into how I used to be- extremely unsettling and passionate about anything that I may be associated with.

It had taken a few months to realize that it indeed was a transition that was about to happen. I had recognized all the signs. It was too uncanny for me to watch that closely. There is a gap between knowing it, coming to terms with and preparing to handle the insecurities. While I always was aware of the facts, it hurt to come to terms with. I had sincerely wanted it to work out and be end to all.

It didn’t.

The “arrangement” for making a relationship to be happen, has failed. I am not the reason. I am far from it! On the contrary; I have a huge bucket of ugly experiences with him/because of him that I have been unable to take in my stride still. He may find my words a direct attack on his “manliness”; but the fact remains. That level of submission (yes, I had been submissive too), has gone dead. The revolting fire has lit its first spark quite bright in me. After the realization of the fact that it (a transition) indeed was happening; there is a sense of harmony that is playing its music in my mind. The anxiety is gone.

I am only left speechless at the surprising turn of the events. Out of the many “re-starts” I have undergone, a major and a relatively minor start over was on the similar lines.  For me it’s a double dose of starting again. One is in its literal meaning; the other, to acquire knowledge about a new skill set.

There, I said it!

My transitions always end in a new and a fresh beginning. I not only leave the old life far left; but also, get to learn about newer things while handing my new life. This is exactly what was making me go restless, anticipating the forthcoming changes. Now that I have seen what it is, I am determined to give it my best and emerge out as successful as I had been earlier.

Lesson learnt: No more feeling complacent about anything! Call me the restless one as I have always been again; I will thank you for the compliment, instead of thinking of you as being unreasonable- as I used to earlier. Apparently, it works in my favor!

~*~*~

• Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

 

Snooze Tense

To be able to sleep at a time that I so want to; is a luxury I’ve come to enjoy only lately. A turbulent childhood and an equally chaotic adulthood later; it was but natural to have lost sleep over it.

Only a few months back I had been whining about not been able to sleep enough!

The last few years have been a huge façade over some very disturbing realities. At the same time, it has also been a period of healing. The seemingly unending brooding during my having become a recluse has resulted in spiritual realizations and self evolution. Not only many things have worked out; but also have I become “normal”. By that I mean like someone who hasn’t seen it all. I don’t pretend; I never had even back then. Although people have again started taking me for an uncomplicated one- lols

I still am the way I was- judgmental. Only now, I don’t let others know of it. I let them abuse as many opportunities to miserably fail eventually. Now, the things don’t affect my state of being any longer than a few blinks. I don’t lose my sleep over it- not anymore. On the contrary, I’ve come to conclude that anytime I’m unable to sleep- over, is because something may not be going too well. It has almost become a precognitive feature of an approaching and much avoidable botheration.

At other times (or most of the times), I feel terribly sleepy. Booze is out for the last 2 months. I have never been a compulsive drinker anyways. Yet those petty few pegs once in 3-4 days are also gone now. I do enjoy sipping through cups of teas n coffees. There have been nights when I drunk a mega mug just before hitting the bed. Quite likewise, there were midnights when I would have had an early breakfast with a mega size coffee mug thrown in. I would feel tipsy the moment I would sip from it. I know this is exactly the opposite of what the medical science says.

I can now straighten my back anywhere around the house and feel in paradise. I may crouch up on the living room box bed or the couch to take a short nap. I have carried on the whole of my day practically snoozing around up on the different sleeping arrangements and yet go snoring when the night came. After years of following American calendar (and no sleep even in day-time) while working with Convergys; I now can enchantingly doze off in the afternoons in a brightly lit room without any curtains! All other sleep habits remain unaltered:

• Light sleep. Even a feather floating around would wake me up.
• No phone calls
• Sleepy again by the day end.. yawn
• Feeling cranky after waking up!

Note: The term “snore’ is only an expression used to synonymate sleep. I don’t snore. zzzz

I am undergoing a phase of Transition. I realized that 2 months back. Yet, I sleep like nobody’s business. I am back to being myself again. Carefree, self sufficient and contented! I don’t step or go out; spending the whole of my day practically homebound, eating a well- balanced diet. I do watch TV for my daily dose of soaps that I have been following since the last few years now (whew!!) No phone calls, conversations and day full of computer work and blogging; I feel as exhausted as one would feel after a mile’s run..!

Yawn..!

It feels heaven like- to sprawl upon a creaseless bed sheet, stretching (or coiling as the case may be), closing the peepers tight shut, wavering in mind thoughts of sleeping away in oblivion. The most intriguing part is that you don’t realize falling asleep. I do. The thoughts suddenly start clashing into one another. The dining table would become mess or soon there may be no hotel lobby I was walking through. The celebration noise would sound chaotic. That’s when my mind jolts me up to tell me that I am about to fall asleep. I smile; hugging myself in mind, I give in.

_______________________

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Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Transitional Spring

This is my state of mind at present.

I could see it approaching. I strongly feel that I am undergoing a transitional phase. Simplest of the facts are making me sob. I am unable to enjoy anything else other than brooding, analyzing and yes crying! The similarity of the stances are so eerie that I am barely able take control of myself.

I have never been able to take transition sportingly! I don’t make a mess of myself outwardly, but my inner- self gets shattered. I get broken into many pieces. None of those shards reflect upon nicer things. Once the phase is on; I go extra sensitive- crying over practically everything. Even watching comedies make me cry then. Everything seems to be choking me up with emotions.

I feel helpless when in transitional phase.

Recently, a thought about it seemed to make more sense than any of it had before this. That is how I am. It is because of this that I get annoyed if someone wakes me up from my sleep! Long after I am awake, I don’t speak. No matter what the time of the day that may be or how long I may have rested; I keep myself somewhat detached so I don’t have to speak. Needless to say that my cell too is put on silent mode. Similar thing goes on in the evenings too! A few close friends beside, I don’t take calls. Maybe, being on my own helps- I know no one needs me.

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Another fact that I noticed about Nature is that it is the Fall/Autumn and Spring that colors the surroundings. I enjoy watching the season change gradually. In Fall, the nature dawns an yellowish to orangish red color veil to declare of its joyous mood. It starts shedding the older leaves as if to prepare to conceive the newer growth. It starts to become pleasant. Infact, most of the festivals too are timed around then. Likewise it is with Spring too. Flowers, butterflies and rainbows, they all “spring” up together.

“Transition” is a phase, an overlapping inter- mediatory link connecting both the to become “past” and about to become the “future”. It is a travel, a journey. A period when the experiments are being conducted. It can be also described as the flow of electricity from the nearest transmitter to the electrical appliance through a conductor. It’s the process, the happening, the actual flow of energy. It is alright to feel somewhat uncomfortable. In order to light a match, it has to be struck- so that’s fine. I need not be so tough on myself for being anxious.

It’s the dawn and the evening time of the day. It is the process of the eventuality to strike. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, I ought to savor each “changing” day as it comes- watching the minutest of the overlap closely. It can’t be a full moon every night! In between the “silence” and “order”, there lies a huge range of chaotic disorder. It isn’t black n white always. The major portion tends to stay grey. The blending has to happen or else it’ll look patchy.

As I write it down here; in my mind, all processes are breaking down in terms of Initiation- Transition- Accomplishment. Life itself is a travel, so how can the phases stay isolated? From being Ignorant to Intellect, there lies a few steps in between. These could be observation, realization, conclusion, acquisition (of knowledge) amongst others; not necessarily in the same order though.

I love to travel more than reaching the destination; so might as well now enjoy the phases overlapping time too! It doesn’t tire me at all. I love to stay awake watching the passing by serenes and take notes (mentally). There are long years of study from being illiterate to school graduate. It can’t be easy always.

Let it storm around.
Bring in some rain.
It’s become all a mess.
It needs to be cleansed!

Related Posts

• Vignette
• Transition
• My Life Song
• Walking Past All

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

The Bald is Beautiful!

I had read this story in one of the children’s book when I was 6 years old. That was during my only visit to Kolkata (India). Mom was happy that dad had bought an English story book instead of the regular Hindi books. As much as my father versed with the language; mom was highly intended that I speak plosive English. This was practically 26 years back from today. Since she was born and brought up in Kolkata in an affluent family; she was close to the British culture right from the start. The English I speak has always been different from how it is still spoken here- commonly.

The story has stayed with me since then.

~*~*~

Long long back, there lived a King in India. He was everything a King was ought to be. His Royal Treasure was an over- flooded river; yet, it couldn’t tackle the issue he was facing then. Our Dear King was balding- fast.

Oops..!

He had tried all the hair oils possibly available, importing those from foreign land too. None of those had worked really. His problem seemed to be multiplying in geometrical counting with each passing day. A bald King was completely unthinkable of. After all, what the neighboring Kings must think of him? How would his own subjects treat him? His majesty was threatened to be balding..

Yikes!

The thinning of his hair was affecting his already shaken confidence. Would he continue to remain powerful and masterful? Would he be referred to as a King even?

Sigh!

It was a bright early summer days, as it is now here; when the Royal physician was summoned. Cotton ball clouds waved around up in the sky making it dark but with no signs of rain. The season’s first mangoes had just ripened. The Royal physician was assigned the task of finding a remedy to the King’s problem. Asking for a couple of days’ time; the Royal physician had disappeared inside his lab.

It was him then to be staying awake at nights.

A few days had gone by when the Royal Physician had wanted to talk to the King. He claimed to have discovered a miracle medicine; wanting to handover the bottle to the King himself. The magical powers were not to be lessened by passing the bottle via others’ hands when they were not the ones to use the potion. The King was pleased to hold the tiny bottle himself.

It came attached with a condition.

He was never to think of mangoes while applying that oil. The Royal physician had given that away in a whisper in King’s ear, so no one else heard that. That was easy or so the King had muttered under his breath.

The “magical powers” were directly trans-passed.

The next morning, the King was awake earlier than usual. He was to use that remedial hair oil. Excited he had uncorked the bottle in a jiffy and was just about to pour the contents on his palm, when a plateful of freshly plucked, yellow ripened mangoes..

Did I say mangoes?

Poor King, the first day of the oil application was ruined already. He decided to try the procedure the next morning; successfully. Something happened again and before he could not think of mangoes again; the thoughts of the forbidden fruit had floated inside his mind already. The same happened the next morning and the morning next to that. A week had passed without any success at all. No matter how much he tried; the thoughts of mangoes would envelope his mind in no time.

Big Deal!

The following morning, the King trashed the bottle into the bin. Standing in front of the mirror, grinning wide; he had plucked the final few strands as well.

Twing..

He was so relieved of not being cautious about not to think of mangoes anymore. Not only he had learnt to savor the thoughts of the fruit as much as the fruit itself; he had come to terms with his baldness too!

Of course, the King lived happily ever after.

Imperfect Forwards

Sometime back, I had written about the weird messages people send/forward. I believe this one can go almost as a series. Once again, their names are with- held. I really don’t want them to get (in)-famous through my blog. Let them find their own way to do that.

Maybe they actually have!

“A chain of prayers has been started to help the Japan quake victims. We will pray (and bull$h!+) The least you can do is not break the chain and forward..”

All I can say is “leave me alone; my own survival is slogging on the edge of a razor blade- let me handle that. The least you can do is GET LOST”

Yes, the contents were more or less on the same lines. I am referring to my reply.

This is what I have to say. Go ahead n make a donation. Who is stopping you? Apparently, the 10 bucks that you spend on sending that sms (inclusive of one day rent, sms charges, surcharges, service tax and misc); could be used wisely. You could probably donate it! If you think that won’t make much of a difference, then you are damn right. Our own country is slogging enough. Why don’t you pick up one of the orphanages and start donating? Once we have more people with better standards of living; perhaps more number of people would be able to help monetarily on such mishaps.

Oh well..It’s complicated!

If this was not enough to bug me; I receive another set of messages (on FB). “Pics” of the recent ceremony/function/occasion/I care not whatever. I am not referring to “uploads”. I am talking about the personal messages that I receive from time to time about some of their family functions.

• I don’t know the people captured in the images excepting the sender.
• The chances are that I would never ever get to meet them!
• If at all; I should have met them before receiving their “pics”
• For crying out loud; you could have invited me over!

That’s right! It seems those pics are “forwarded” with an intention to tease. C’mon, why on earth are you sending the “pics” when I am technically an hour away from your house on a bad traffic day and a phone call away literally?

I also don’t care about the mails like

• “Patience is Trusting God’s Timing” (I think I’m being God here; since I am taking all of it patiently)
• “BEWARE OF YOUR MOBILE HAZARD” (maybe that’s why you don’t use it- or is it me that makes it hazardous..?)
• “Latest from Nursery school ” (I don’t have/want to have kids for a reason. But thanks for making sure that I am not missing out on catching up with the latest going on about kids)
• “World’s youngest CEO – Do U wan to be ????” (Did that lesson work for you? Or have you become divine enough to forward sermons? Then again, the Gurus do it all by themselves before preaching..)

Over 10 sms a day is not a fun thing. That is from just one of the offenders. If spams (plot available, get married, get slim, learn how to speak, stage fright, whatever nonsensical subject you could possibly think of) aren’t enough to deal with; I get to read messages like how a woman is so great since she slides out certain inches (of baby) from her certain inches hole!

If I were to bang my head on the wall, the poor wall would get red in shame (with bloodstains).

I mean get real. I have no business talking about your personal life. However, if even after what you have gone through sadly, have not made you learn the nuances; the chances are that you’ll keep slogging. And I am not sorry for saying so! Whatever happened to level of maturity? Travelling to “foreign” land made no difference. You still follow the English (or even vernacular) that is being spoken in JJ colonies! Really, the “educated” lot doesn’t talk about these subjects; instead, they work towards changing the mundane! There is a huge difference between being “literate” and “educated”.

Let me try asking you a small question. The deal is that you wouldn’t have to answer if you don’t want to. So here’s the question: why on “earth” or any other place (that I unfortunately) stumble upon you; have to read 10 damnation messages when you don’t read my blog (know what, the posts are original and not copied or lifted or forwarded) in even 10 days.. or even weeks? I too write about women. You would get to read more on the other issues related to her anatomy. If you care; you would also learn about my bit of social work.

If any of you is reading it here; kindly do not bother to send another sms/inbox/forward mail/explanation seeking mail/your family function pics mail. I don’t care even if the world is on fire. If you being my friend (so you claimed till you read this) never ever did what makes me happy or feel a little better; why should I be caring about the world who I would possibly never get to meet; especially if it’s on fire? Then again; if you think I am “uncharitable”, I don’t wish to harp upon my acts or initiative that I have ever taken to make my immediate circling society a better place to be in for women. I would let you think all of that about me as long as I don’t receive any of your wasteful and unconcerned email/sms.

Now go, R.I.P. for all I care!

• Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Fast Forwarded

It’s been a year since I started to blog!

It was one Sunday afternoon, on 28th March, 2010, when I had just finished reading how some blogger loved to eat at the Delhi local markets in HT (Hindustan Times- newspaper). Her blog was featured and so was she. It had definitely earned my attention.

Infact; it had affected me more than that.

Thinking of how “blogging” had printed her in a newspaper; I had decided to give it a try. It was a simple post highlighting an insignificant open sky tea- stall. So; if she could, so could I.

I wanted to blog since long.

I had known of blog writing way before it was popular in my country (India). I would often tell my friends that perhaps I should start writing blogs. They would only nod. They liked what I talked about and I wanted to share it with the world. Things were very different then. I could never really write one.

When I decided to; it seemed I was left way beyond any learning.

Besides what I had written when in school, there were more things that had accumulated! I had almost yearned to write. The reality check was cruel. I knew nothing about the technicalities of blogging. I had my writes in place to post- didn’t know how to. The day I realized I could jazz it up with images; my joys knew no bounds! An unending phase of “self- study” had begun- making me cry while typing. I had no time to waste so while I would sob at my incompetency; I would type away the words. Almost all the posts made me go sniff.. sniff.. sob..!

How Spiritual Gurus felt getting overwhelmed with the power of knowledge; I came to know then.

I wanted to speak, to share; to communicate with the world. Like how awakening does; this feeling to share had melted away the geographical limitations. It didn’t matter who read me- as long as I was able to share. It was as if- I was wanting to become elemental like- pure, and sustaining by ownself and all pervading.

I am a typical combo of being an introvert and open minded.

This is why I came out as a happy-go-lucky-girl who only smiled. A wry, know-it-all, see-through-all smile. Almost indifferent! Often people confuse the definition of one with the other. It was difficult to make my friends realize that I didn’t want to talk! Being selective about the topics with fast friends; seemed like deceiving them. The safe way was to stop communicating with all. No point explaining because I am already in a mess. A plastic smile pasted on your face works best when you meet strangers. If they don’t get a clue, they won’t scrape. They let go of you if you hide it behind that illusive smile.

God Like..!

Been there, done that- know it all..

What now..?

My Life so far has been like a sinking boat, without an ore- in a stormy night. If the boat is to be sailed, I need an ore. If the boat is to be floated (instead of sink); the storm has to cease. I wanted to share all about that; atleast the ones that were technically done away with. While I am in a phase; talking about it is like doubling the pain. Someone knowing about what’s up with me makes it triple- folded. Sharing about an ongoing episode is a trauma.

Let me explain.

You feel excited when someone wishes you on your birthday. The same excitement gets somewhat dimmed with each passing day. Likewise, it hurts to talk when I’m depressed. Then again, there wasn’t anything exciting to talk about anyways. Closing myself seemed to be the safest option!

One day it reached its pinnacle.

Like a Universal Bing Bang, my self- imposed exile ended. I started to write in my blog a year back. The years I had spent struggling to survive, had created a Black Hole. My life experiences, brooding and words could no longer fit into that dark space. Two years of compressing my vision, had worked against it.

It burst. Maybe that’s how Universes are created.

Ever since then, I am whirling like some cosmic body left in space spinning through different electro- magnetic fields.

How does it feel?

I hadn’t seen this coming. All I had concentrated upon was to write. Now that I am here; I feel that it’s not time yet to stop and look back.

I choose to walk forward.

~*~*~

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Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

~*~*~Submitted for Magpie Tales~*~*~

The color of my Love..

It seems only right that you no more like the color.

Like you have remembered every second we had spent together; you would also recall how often we had argued about whose choice of color was better. We would reason out noisily during the recess and form support groups for ourselves, who would then scream some more- naming the colors. We would grin like a fool if there was any mention of our favorite color in the course book- chapters. We would count how often we viewed the shades of the color while running around the school playground.

At 11, I was as bizarre a kid as I am now at 33 today. Only, that I am no more a kid now. I would hunt for a lavender shade and flaunt my painted talons with pride. Being good at academics had its own twisted advantages. The teachers never noticed that it was I who had dared breaking the rules of the school!

In my growing up years I had hardly realized how in desire to compete with your feelings towards me; I had started to like the other color too- supposedly your favorite color. I felt honored if someone called me grasshopper, greenery or parrot- fairy. I loved anyone who addressed me as OLIVE..!

Did you know that the two colors lie diametrically opposite to each other in a color wheel? Alas! We could never complement each other..

Meeting you in 2005, and after an emotionally wringing experience that it was; I am surprised at myself having startled looking at that image. How the two colors (clicked) together made me think of you. Again..! Sincerely, I tried to think of everything else for the story; but I could barely develop any other thought. I see you smirking at me. This is how I am- still declaring what it is; remaining true to my feelings and still holding on to this afflicted love. Has it anything to do with the fact that I had dreamt of you again? Or is it my sub- conscious mind making me think only of you!

Today, I (again) smiled looking at the image Magpie Tales prompted us with.

My love for you remains as passionate as my fave color! I know your Love for me is no more green..

It is I who has carried both the colors as though my personal favorite. It is I who still loves you!

Somehow, it feels only right..

• Filed under My Life Instances. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Reading it the correct way!

Behind every successful man, there’s a women.. slogging her a*se off!

I know most of you may not have heard about this version. I am almost as certain of the fact that you know this ugly truth for sure; just would never admit that you do.

As a little girl, I have witnessed how my mom scratched away her career opportunities to make my Uncle, what he is today. It was only after my uncle’s entry in her marital home that she earned respite from the physical abuse. Oh well! My dad was a man too! In greed to escape the physical tortures, she had made my uncle stay with them.

What started with sharing a square meal and house, ended up with I sacrificing my home when I was 17! Dad had abandoned us way back when I was 12. We survived only on uncle’s mercy. Mom was incapacitated when she was only 30! Thanks to dad’s lack of foresight or maybe that was his good intentions; wanting my mom to remain as “woman”, when her uterus was damaged in an operation. If only he had let the doctors remove the tattered baggage; she would have been alive. I haven’t been able to figure out yet; why had the doctors let my dad play the paragon? Mom was left being so much of a woman that apparently he had walked out on her.

Mom had conceived despite all the warnings against it. That had resulted in a mis- carriage and that most erroneous operation- changing my attitude completely against bearing a child.

I now lead a life of an illegal orphan. That’s not a play of words; but my real introduction of the life I have been forced to lead. My dad is alive- so far and thinks as he stated that he has suffered more than anyone else. I am sure he didn’t have to sleep with men (women in his case) to sustain himself.. or take physical abuse in name of being a dedicated wife (husband as the case is). Or even subject himself to all abuse possible in name of being in a relationship, to complete his basic education!

To hell with all the men I have interacted with so far. That includes all the b*stards wanting to have a good time with me- in name of whatever lame words they used! If only some one can make them understand that working in the same office, exchanging pleasantries often; does not make them friends. They act pissed when I refuse to meet! My putting up pics in my social networking profile is to maintain my album; and not for any invites whatsoever. Then again, I have mentioned my social status as well in there- is there anyone who is willing to adopt me?

I have colored my hair blonde and perhaps may also be a b*tch- but they are no saint to be wanting to sleep with me!

So much so for always saying it politely. Try and look into it, even in a phrase; men are being heightened. She gives up her own identity to create a successful story of a daughter, wife, mother and any relationship that you can think of.

• Sitas would always be abducted and then sat on a funeral pyre to prove her chastity. And still be abandoned and yet again asked for repeat performance.
• Draupadis would be stripped naked no matter what! The elders would watch the show.
• Satis would be burnt down alive!
• Taramatis would always have to sell themselves off to supplicate their survival!

Only then a woman carves a place for herself in some demon’s heart- if he has one and if she is lucky, then in HIStory too!

It’s time we know the actual version of the phrase. This is how it goes-

Behind any downtrodden woman, there’s a man screwing her behind!

P.S.- What is it with celebrating Women’s Day today? Out of all the 364 days of torture we are made to undergo, almost as a *lick*, we are given a day to celebrate? Do we really have a reason to?

• As I Am

Filed under My Life Instances. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

The Garlic Shuttle

Being a Sunday morning today, my domestic wasn’t around. I had to ready the water for coffee on my own. Some noise had disturbed my sleep. What an unearthly hour to wake up at 8.30am!

Summer is already around. Mornings are still somewhat bearable. Musing about the luxury of sipping a hot beverage in cold weather, I had stepped inside the kitchen.

That weird noise was more pronounced in there. These 1^st floor guys are so restless. Ever since they have shifted here, they’ve hardly been quiet. Banging almost every door at odd hours seems to be their hobby. Muttering under my breath I went to floss. That noise was no more heard in sporadic interval. It had grown to become a constant buzz! It must be the breeze. It’s so darn bad in noon even now in early March; it feels as if it’s May already or maybe even April.. The same cool breeze turns itself like some desert storm.

I splashed my face with some more cold water. Soon it would become difficult to run the tap water because of the temperature.

Nevermind! It’s Coffee time.

What the heck! Why didn’t the maid put the garlic bulbs in the hanging basket? One forgetful, careless and deaf woman I have almost adopted- that she is. But these weren’t there when I had sat the water to boil.

“Quick! Get into the pod!”

How could a garlic pod refer to a pod peel as the pod?

Wait! Did I hear the pod talking?

That’s exactly what happens when you watch too many sci- fi movies, back to back with extra dose of Ben 10 thrown in!

While pouring the hot water over the coffee powder in the mug, I noticed some of the pods were zipping their peels on them.

I couldn’t believe that was happening again.

The pods lay scattered across the kitchen table. This was certainly not how it was when I had first stepped in there. Within a few seconds the pods were assembled as a bulb. I must have lost my mind; I saw the stick glowing too! The bulbs stood still on the roots which supported the garlic to stand erect.

“We are ready to leave!”

Crash, they break the kitchen window glass and fly away!

***RING***

My cellphone alarm woke me up. It was set for 9.30am so I would have half hour before getting ready to watch Ben 10.

I smiled recalling the dream sequence. I sit some water for my coffee. The garlic bulbs lay scattered on the kitchen table. It seemed that my domestic indeed had forgotten to hang those in the basket. Pigeons had already emptied the bird bath. I opened the veranda glass door to step out to refill their bucket.

Zzzzzaaaaaaap!

One of the garlic space-ship went past my head. I had begun to imagine things by then. Or maybe not! Almost at once, all the garlic bulbs started to spin over the kitchen table. The spinning seemed to raise the bulb making them ready to fly.

One by one, they all zoomed past me..

• Posted for Magpie Tales 56.

Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

My Failure to read the Premonition

Yesterday wasn’t a very good day.

So isn’t today!

My day started with an ugly verbal fight through cell phone messages- with my boss. If that was not enough, my domestic too set me on a spin. She argued uncontrollably!

While I was getting ready to write a few words for the Potluck Silver Jubilee, I heard a huge thud and some fluttering of wings. I discovered a pigeon trying to gather its bearing after having struck to the glass. I had almost caught it. As it never happened before; this time, it escaped. Almost as if under a spell, I went upstairs to catch yet another one!

I had almost caught that one too! It flew away escaping..

Something strange was happening. If I were to sit at my computer chair, the birds would start hovering all around. No sooner I would get up, they would settle down. They kept fluttering around flapping their wings and that distracted me a great deal. I had wanted to write but instead went to the section of this blog to delete un- attached images- thinking that would lighten up the load. The pigeons continued to do their thing.

While I was deleting the images from the section “un- attached”, am image almost stopped me from deleting it. I went back to check if that image was still there on the original post. It wasn’t there! I had unknowingly deleted the whole bunch. That image that had stopped me was again an image of a pigeon. Since that particular one was attached to a different file, I could get hold of only 1 image out of the entire set.

Needless to say- I was upset. Had this not stopped, I would have ended up deleting some more! I have no idea how the images got deleted when it was sat there till some days back. Perhaps they appeared under the un- attached group; but why?

I just don’t know why this happened at all! This is as far as I could take. I am a control freak- this has definitely set me up to go sulking- I so failed to understand why the 1st one flew away leaving some tail feathers back in my hand? The count of the feathers were exactly the numbers of images I lost. I had collected all of them and set loose. Only one of the feathers had flown inside my house.

I have one picture out of the whole bunch!! And yes, it’s perfectly quiet in here now

So much for wanting a peaceful Sunday!!!

The Lemon Murderer

I have a record of maintaining my cool in the trickiest of the situations.

• Including all the times I was attacked – both verbally and in action!

I have practiced to take deep breaths when the quake had struck this time. My palpitating heart had calmed down way before I had realized. So far, I have never rushed out- screaming- Earthquake! Instead I visit the washroom, change, check the locks (I have 6 verandas in this house), pick the keys, handbag, some “essentials” and my cell before walking down carefully.

• Calculative?
• Cunning?
• Cool?

I haven’t done any fiction yet. But would want to.

I mean why not? Writing about something based purely upon mindly imagination, whereby you take the seat of a narrator; isn’t that like becoming demi- God? The words you write would play upto your mood and appear in the exact sequence to spell a consequence or a stance?

It’s been about a 10 days now I have been thinking of trying my hand- writing one.

It won’t be a fairy tale for sure. Although the image hints at a Devil’s story.

A demon ready to gorge on his newly acquired victim. He seems to be a cultured one since he would use a fork to skin the flesh. He definitely seems to be health conscious too, since he would add some lemon juice on his “preyed” meal.

Ignore those stains, he is a demon after all, doesn’t matter if he has smeared  it all over. Some was smudged over my camera too while doing that image..

I guess I already tried a fairy tale version. For happy endings, this demon always killed the bad guy. Thus he was everyone’s friend..

No, I don’t look at it that way. It doesn’t appeal to me. It would have to be either a science fiction or may be thrilling murder mystery. There, I said it.

I have fantasized enough about how a murder be committed and in a fool proof way; in a way that absolutely no evidence is left to reach out to me.

Was I loud?

If you don’t get involved too emotionally in the act, there’s a certain technicality related to it. A perfect murder would be when the suspect leaves no clues, resulting in an utter- confusion; whereby, guessing about “who may be” proves out to be walking in the woods on a no moon light. Yeah, I say no moon; because the new moon is the next day.

If you haven’t yet figured out, I am talking about escaping the charges after the act has been committed. Just so many times I have woven a story in my mind wherein the victim flees away after “freeing” herself.

Deep down my heart, I feel it’s justified.

I feel highly vindicated if dominated. In a way, I feel she is violated. So in my fiction, it has to be a lady calling the shots. You guessed it, I plan to write about cold blooded murders.

• Kill n disappear!
• Leaving no evidences behind.
• Instead, if the time permits, also burrowing through his assets.
• And walking out in the most composed gait.
• When home, never ever think about what had happened.

If the “criminal” was cruel enough to have napped a woman trying to whatever; I feel he needs to be annihilated. In such a mysterious manner that certain anonymity prevails about the whole instance. I feel restful within after weaving the calm disposition of her exit.

I feel completely aimless after having thought of such a “story”.

As if that’s all that was required to be done. One isolated case of a brutal murder with no facts to build up any case. This may be my dark side. Or the bloody side. Or this exactly may be the Me.

On a lighter note: A lemon feels murdered if the lemonade is not perfected.

Wait, The book if I get to write one (based upon these murderly kills) would be named as “The Lemon Murderer” after her being a smooth operator and also suggesting that she is a woman. The character would stab the “criminals” with her iron fork and celebrate her victory with a bowl full of sprouts salad (as I am now) which can only be perfected with a dash of lemon juice! And no, she won’t leave any behind for a mark- Thanks!

On a serious note: first it was a pitch fork, now a murderer’s fork, where is it going?

• Posted for Magpie Tales 55. Check out the link to read some more of those blood smeared tales

Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Voice over matter

It is quite apparent that your speech gets affected by the Company you keep!

Or may be the Company you work with.

The choice of words of your vocal speech gets affected to the core. When I worked with Convergys as a Quality Evaluator, as any other work-place, we were all dependent on communicating via email. “Documentation” was the word. Any important update or any relevant Information was downloaded through email. So much so that even the printer icon was being forwarded so that could be installed on individual systems. Once connected through LAN, only one printer could take the print job/command from several connecting computers.

Why I am telling you this is because we had started forwarding almost everything!

• “Forward the chair” or slide that chair towards me.
• “Forward the glass of water”…
• “Forward the head- phones please”

My present boss talks of having “forwarded” through snail mail. I always thought it was sent maybe.

That’s not all. He says “move the screen up” instead of “scroll down”. It’s been 3 years, I am yet to adjust to his lingo.

Late last night just before hitting the sack, I looked around out of the window murmering, “The fog hasn’t posted itself yet”.

That’s it!

So much so for blogging and posting and putting up a post.. I didn’t realize that fog doesn’t post. It gets foggy instead. Well, since I had said that out loud, I heard myself saying it the wrong way- realizing the mistake.

Let me gain some sanity. Wishing you all a lovely weekend!

Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

The Little Mermaid in Me

I guess it’s the Fairy Tales that have poisoned our minds with the so unrealistic and typical “happily ever afters”. I was much like the boring disciplined girl- never wanting to hear a bedtime story. Anytime I insisted upon hearing one during the afternoon nap, after reaching home from school and lunch, I would give mom a condition- not to begin with “Once upon a time”. She would find it highly annoying and perhaps in retaliation, she would narrate a story where an elephant would want to cross that river. What then? That would then take atleast the whole of that afternoon, so I was to sleep for then and ask about it the next noon, since evening was study time.

I read my bunch of fairy tales when I had reached an (old) age of 7 years. I had brought a few folk- tale books home from my dad’s office library. A few I had insisted to buy from the school book- fair. I had to be very careful about the books I picked. I was slammed for reading animal- stories! I ought to be reading realistic non- fiction biographies. I am that one kid who has not read a comic book yet- sob 

Coming back to fairy tales, I have read only a few fairy tales. I happen to read that pigeon story in one of those folk tale books alongwith the Cinderella’s story.

• Cinderella- I had known of the story but had read that only then.
• The Sleeping Beauty- I found it highly unrealistic.
• Beauty and the Beast- After reading this one then, I had watched it on Faerie Tale Theater presented by Shelly Duvall exactly on my birthday- 15th maybe! Oh well, couldn’t find anything even remotely close.
• The Frog Prince- Despite several opportunities, I didn’t kiss any!
• The Little Mermaid- I had loved the form of mermaid. The story had moved me. I loved drawing her.

The story of the Little Mermaid

The one I had read ended that she remained in her human form and utterly silent; since the witch had told her that if she spoke, she would turn back to a mermaid. So she spent the rest of her life sitting on the rock at the shore since she couldn’t go back either!

At the tender age of 7, I could not help feeling sorry for her! I had also loved how she transformed herself to look out for her love. But how she chose to remain quiet was something I couldn’t buy. That little feminist inside me had screamed loud. What was the use of that humanly form if she was to remain all by herself. I mean all the silence and not even the Prince! She ought to have spoken up and then lost her shape and then walked out on him, if the Prince had not accepted the reality.

One other lesson I drew of it was that the “Prince” was one fool hardy man. Just because someone kissed him when he came to sense doesn’t mean she saved him. Shouldn’t he have probed further? How he would have survived as a King if he lacked the power to exercise his judgement then?

Yet another learning was that it would always be the mermaid who would be forced to bargain self.

Today while writing this post, I found yet another version of this fairy tale; the end part to be precise. So whatever version I had held in my mind  is now slowly getting released. I wonder how that pain had stayed in me for the last 25 years now. As though to almost ease my anxiety that I had carried for this long; I got to read a very different version. It typically seems that that particular end was written by some one like me, who believes in becoming divine and indifferent after one’s taken unbearable pain and in her stride.

The one I had read had cleverly removed the portion that while walking or dancing, her feet would hurt. There was no mention of the mermaid having to die the following morning! Instead, very softly it had transitioned to that often people would see her sitting by the shore- but no one heard of her ever since.

Reading this version, my mind had numbed. I could hear any sound. The screen had turned hazy and I realized I was crying.

This was one fairy tale that had appealed to me and I am glad that this is how it had ended instead of the undecided ending I had read back then or the irrelevant happily ever after. I have been writing in my blog that I have evolved spiritually ever since I have begun to realize that I have taken more than any average human being is made to. I am certainly not saying I’m the most afflicted one but the life I have lead till now has been highly turbulent. It has been nothing short of residing in a pandemonium. So to almost conclude such a chaotic destiny, I feel I need to detach myself from all and everyone.

I have almost reached that state of being in a way. I wish to raise myself so high that I remain twinkling like a star- close enough to be seen and praised; far away for anyone to touch! This little mermaid story had made me feel depressed for years. How I had read it, something didn’t feel right. After I re- read it today, I feel much at peace.

I too yearn to become Divine, dissolving myself into ether so all the pains n pleasures cease to exist for me!

AMEN

As for the mermaid, I’m happy!

• I am the Divine
• Divine Desires
• The changed Me!
• Walking Past All

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

The Third Wish!

Disclaimer: This post talks about super- natural elements. Please proceed at your own risk.

The weather’s become pleasant now-a-days, it stays partially cloudy, sunny n cold and even rains at times. This is how it has been since a few weeks now.

This was one such day a few years back when this young couple was out playing cricket. The young couple often spent their evenings screaming after the rolling ball. It had rained the whole night and was slightly misty even in the afternoon. The guy was pretty excited since no kids were out and he had the entire connecting road to himself. Doused in his merriment, he had hit the ball darn hard. The ball had landed inside the nearby abandoned building crashing the glass down. The houses here have one wall made up of glass door and window partitions. The ball- hit had brought the entire glass down of that aluminium door frame. It was pitch dark inside.

The couple not knowing about anything decided to go there and see around for themselves. They weren’t aware of that fact that that was an abandoned flat. They would apologize if they see someone or else just get the ball and continue playing as no one’s business; they had thought. Upon stepping inside, they saw there was an old bottle crashed at its neck with the cork still intact with the broken part. It was dark and hazy and a man was sat on a rocking chair.

Suddenly it was all lit. Clearing the smoke gushing out of the bottle, they noticed that the house was beautifully done. That man on that chair was equally handsome! His face sported a careless frown as he rocked sitting on the chair.

“So, was it you who had flung in this ball..?” he held out his palm to the couple- with the ball sitting atop.

“Yes.. sorry about it.. we had no idea that.. we would pay for the glass..” The couple fumbled.

The man had stopped rocking then. He looked at the couple and said that he was a genie! He was happy to have been released after some 30,000 years, but was equally depressed since the era he was released in wasn’t that beautiful! Being a genie, he also promised to grant 3 wishes. His only condition was that he would keep the 3rd one to himself!

Hurriedly the couple had thought about what all they could ask for. After much hushed discussions, the man asked for a house in every big city of the world.

“poof..” His wish was granted.

The woman had wanted savings account in her name in every possible bank in the world..

Another “poof..” Her wish too was granted.

It was then genie’s turn to talk about his wish! Throwing a casual look on the lady, he said that it had been a long since he had enjoyed some- how about leaving the lady back for sometime? He also assured that she would be home before long and safe.

The couple had started thinking. They were pleasantly surprised at how things had become different for them within a few minutes. Moreover, the genie was quite attractive to look at.

“Oh, you can have you ball back. Don’t bother about the glass either. I can fix it in no time.”

So genie was a nice guy! The man rushed the lady into it, showing her all the reasons why she should give in. Leaving beside all her inhibitions, the lady had agreed to stay back, i.e., with the genie. The man had gone home thinking that that was no return for all that genie had done.

A few hours later and after a very good time spent together, while the lady was lazying up on genie’s arm, he happen to talk to her.

“So, what does you man do..?”

“He is an engineer..”

“Well read.. hunh? What is his age..?”

“He would be 35 this month..”

“………….and he still believes in genie?”

This has remained with me ever since I had read a forwarded email back in 2002, when I worked with Hutch (now Vodaphone) This has become my pet joke since then.

Anyone feeling bad for the lady? She now lives with the genie himself in his house!

- Happy Ending -

 

Another Froggy Tale!

For a few days now, all I have been thinking about is pigeons, canines and frogs. While I have shared some of my pigeonic stories and a doggy tail errr… I mean a “tale” already; a frog has been jumping high n low in my mind to hop around here in a post. This story has a frog as the central character, you can side- track me, although I also feature in it. So technically, we have a princess in it and we anyways have the frog prince scaring.. I mean starring as the main lead.

• Early morning wake up call
• Building a Home
• Pigeonic Limerick
• The Devil and the Dog

As all the scary.. darn! I mean fairy tales begin with “once upon a time..”; I would say.. This was when I had shifted my home from Delhi to Gurgaon way back in December of 2007. So this is a t-h-r-e-e years old tale. I told you I am in there too- so it is a fairy tale..

The place I had shifted to was a corner plot house, surrounded by huge gardens on all the three sides. The 1st night (of my stay) was one of its kind. The neighboring peacocks had decided to raid the gardens right at 2am screeching and braying for the next 2 hours. It was only a little short of a nightmare. Maybe they were happy to see me around and that was how they could sing their welcome songs.

Appreciated! I mean, it was way beyond getting annoyed.

Seems, the other day The Devil took a break from his work and had entered my mind. Remember, empty minds are devil’s workshop? So while he was working around in my mind, a thought had cropped up. “Wouldn’t it be nice if I had some small little frogs hopping all over my house? I’ll string tinkle bells around their neck and they’ll keep moving around making music..!” I am yet to figure out about the strength of that thought because it apparently seemed to have been heard by one of the frogs.

I keep getting up for my washroom visits or to sip water in between my sleep. It’s a rarity when I don’t wake up during the night. Surprisingly, if I sleep in daytime, it’s a sound sleep. So on that fateful night, I happen to visit my restroom, when it seemed something different. I don’t put on the lights. Infact, I am pretty comfortable and used to moving around in dark. I am a perfect “wandering soul”.

Something seemed to be watching me sat on the white floor tile. It didn’t seem like the bug I don’t like since it was somewhat dusty and unusual in shape. I dismissed having seen that image thinking it to be a fragment of imagination. That’s it, no sooner I had dismissed it, that inner voice had shaken me up sending me back to the washroom; this time I had switched on the lights.

What do we have here?

A small froggy- pie jumping up and down in delight to have been discovered. Not knowing of anything much, I had slammed shut the door and cozied myself on my bed. The little amphibian had taken all the effort to sneak out through the gap between the washroom door and floor. Not only that, it had taken a round tour around my room, making everything make crumpling noises.

I had asked for it.

After moving around for a while, as if to question me, it had sat looking at me. With all my might, I had prayed that it slides inside the corner most drawer since it had some space in it at the back and if tilted, it would be completely jammed! That way, the prince charming could sit there till morning without feeling strangled.

Almost as if reading my mind; it had taken a big leap, stretching its hind legs it had stepped inside. It had crawled inside the side of the drawer that was atleast 6″ above the floor level. He was nice enough to have chosen that particular drawer amongst the 5 of those in a row. What then, I had tilted the drawer to lock it inside till morning.

No, I didn’t kiss him.

In the morning, it was released in the garden with all the due respect. It still remains a mystery which way it had entered my room since I used to keep everything tightly closed, all door gaps sealed. As I write about him, I feel he must be feeling elated wherever he maybe. He didn’t scare me, mess around or even bother. Fulfilling my wish that I wanted a few of those moving around in my house; it had quietly sat inside that drawer waiting patiently for me to open it in the morning and release the being. It had made no noise to wake me up. He was darn adjusting, keeping still and quiet till I had released it.

This is how I had ended up spending my night with my “frog prince”!

I am an animal lover. I am a nature lover. I have spent my night with other than men..

• Frogs’ Day Out

Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

~*~*~Submitted for Theme Thursday~*~*~

The Devil and the Dog

A story that I had read in my English Reader lessons in my childhood has remained with me. I believe most of you have known about this one from some or the other place. I still take all the pleasure in narrating this one whenever I get the opportunity. Given the fact that I have some soft heads around me; I have done that many a times.. lols

So, here’s how it goes:

Once upon a time (as is always), there lived a sleepy slacker (the name seems so identical with that of mine). He was rich and affluent (alas! the resemblance ends here) and spent most part of his day slacking… err sleeping; I mean. Being rich and all that, he had never bothered about anything around him ever. It so happened one day that Gods decided to give him a run. For..? It pinched the entire God-kind how he spent his time eating and sleeping (and yet not putting on weight- sigh! I say he should be releasing a “stay- fit” DVD soon) doing nothing much.

After a round table meeting (no, I wasn’t there to see the shape of the table myself- but it isn’t square table conference; much less rectangular or octangular shaped table meeting, isn’t it?), they decided to send The Devil on the earth. He was known far and wide for his devilish intelligence. It was this demon who used to get inside our head whenever it became empty. On that I must say, my mind is pretty much empty! It has always been- even The Devil couldn’t stay inside. Blame it all on this sleepy slacker!

Packing all his devilish ideas inside his horns, he had ascended from heaven. He was Gods’ fave- remember?

“Hey you sleepy slacker, wake up! I have been sent by the Gods so I don’t let you sleep. Now quickly assign a task so I’ll be off your head. The idea is to keep me busy or else I’ll strangle you to death..”

“What the heck!” thought the “rich” sleepy slacker. He wasn’t going to give up on his sleep that easily. Thinking for almost half hour, he told The Devil to go and build a huge empire, complete with fortresses, walls and gardens. He had barely started to blink when The Devil was back.

“You sleepy moron, I told you to keep me busy or else!”

The rich sleepy slacker was now agitated. He could have never imagined that his sleep would be disturbed in such a manner. All his life he had spent his time sleeping. He didn’t know anything much other than sleeping away for the entire time. Thinking of what all could be done, he instructed The Devil to go and make individual wells for each courtroom. He knew that digging wells in a desert wouldn’t be an easy task.

Smiling at his presence of mind, he had tossed to the other side of his bed snoring aloud. Half a day was gone when The Devil had come back all soaked up and equally tired. “I am leaving for the day- but will come back tomorrow early morning. Be ready with a task for me or else tomorrow would be your last sleeping day on the earth.” Saying so, The Devil had vanished.

The rich sleepy slacker couldn’t sleep a wink after that. The whole of night he had stayed wide awake thinking of the tasks that could be assigned to him so he lets him sleep in peace. The next morning was the 1^st and the last ever day of his life for him to be witnessing a sunrise. Not knowing of anything else, he had started to walk on the trail though the fields.

Poof! “Good Morning sire, now quickly assign a task so I’ll be off your head. The idea is to keep me busy ………”

The rich sleepy slacker had heard the latter part a little too well this time. Eagerly and rather bemused, he had started looking for the street dogs around. Soon he could find several of those barking on the passersby. “The Devil, please go and straighten the tail of that dog you see there. Once you are done, pick up the other one and do that for all the dogs you see anywhere. Don’t come back till you are done with all of those”

It is said that The Devil is still busy straightening that dog’s tail and that rich man is sleeping blissfully!

I wish I knew his address! I could become his manager helping him to manage his wealth..

Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

My Visit to Suraj-Kund Crafts Fair

It was as crowded as it could be. The only saving grace was that it had become cloudy the moment I had stepped out of the car! It wasn’t how it used to be. There was no space to move around. If that was not all, the things were exorbitantly high priced. A bedside carpet that is available for INR800 without bargain was priced at INR2400. It was dusty, noisy and extremely chaotic. Going to Sarojini Nagar and Dilli Haat is the best option to enjoy, shop and spend time.

The 1st time I had gone to this place was 14 years back. I had bought a small cane stool. My landlady had made her son sit on it no sooner I had stepped inside my house then- something I had not appreciated. I mean, it was supposedly my find. I bought yet another one this time. A miniature piece- all of 8 X 8 inches in dimension. No one will be able to sit on it. A deja vu had also struck. I had seen that lake before too. I remember having walked down the entire stretch to go and sit on the stairs surrounding the lake. There were deers and swans around.

Amidst the whole un- organized fair to promote handicrafts, I could steal a few moments to capture myself. I have always adored Lord Krishna- he still remains to be my big time crush. So this time, I posed as Radha.. After that Deja vu had struck me, I decided to leave. The deer made its appearance to probably tell me I was right about it. On my way back, I spotted a “Women Only” auto rickshaw on MG road more towards Gurgaon. I have hung that tree in my bedroom.

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Love? Perhaps not!

While Love is highly subjective to be written about; marriage is relatively easier; atleast the discussion part of it. What’s most confusing is we mixing the two!

You may end up feeling for anyone- but possibly not marry just anyone.

More often than not it so happens that one develops feelings for the other, even without realizing about the same. In growing up years, every liking, infatuation and lust seemed to be the love of the life. Wait, that’s not the end. It goes further down with the girl swearing that she would only want to settle down with that boy or else no one.. Remember those days?

Here’s how it goes.

The boy and the girl meet one another. They fall in love soon. The girl completes her high- school or college, the boy gets a job and they get married. This is simple. If the boy comes from a rich family; it becomes simpler. Better still, they outgrow on each other and move apart and don’t make a huge noise about it. The cycle re- begins.

So where’s the confusion?

Arranged Marriages have a very little scope to none at all, of the couples falling in love with each other before the wedlock. Parents decide the match for them, they get married, make kids and their life goes on. Whether or not they love each other as in fall in love types- really doesn’t matter anymore. Soon the man gets busy in making money for the family and the woman busies herself with the kids. With her kids growing up and she restricted to her own family for the major part of the day; her own unfulfilled ambitions get pushed far behind. At other times, she re-digs her wishes and adorns those on her kids.  The rich and the wealthy ones keep themselves busy partying not caring about anything much. After sometime the so called “love” is anyways lost and then what takes the relationship any further or to conclusion is the convenience of keeping it.

Between the two, lies a grey area.

There are people like me who don’t feel for anyone, anymore. I am a little package and not a single individual. I may have a mind of my own- which may not be so easy for the other one to get used to. Just what’s the fun of falling for someone who would never be able to stand me up for me anyway? It may happen that I start to like someone and then “fall” for him too; but what then? Where would the relationship go assuming it becomes one, in due course of time? The way the things are at my end or how I am, what if he is unable to take that any further than some vested and wasted emotions.

What then?

Do I look for someone else who could carry my baggage separately; meanwhile I keep my lover too? Or do I start afresh- again?

Anytime a man confesses of his feelings for me; I look back at him.

They often fall in love with the facade that I put up. I don’t need to declare how heartbroken I maybe- all over me. Neither do I need to announce what testing times I have survived through. My smile is too infectious for them to handle. I appear to be a fanciful object to own! I have become one of those porcelain dolls that are meant to be show- cased and not played around with! Men find it difficult to accept me as their lady since I am a headstrong one- not really agreeing to give in. After having fought for practically everything that comes naturally to the most of us, I don’t have much of shyness left in me. There’s no more of a woman left in me who would act coy.

However..

They do want to sleep with me- almost all of them! Do they feel manly while taking a strong one? Probably it gives their ego a huge boost when they ride someone stronger than they themselves are. It must be lifting for them to “conquer” the determined woman all vulnerable and violated.

Yet, they feel scared.

A couple of men I have known including my ex, often said; I appear to be too dazzling and smart for any man. Really now, I can not and will not act dumb to please any man- how so ever desiring he may be! I find the whole idea of charming a man a big comedy. If a companion is what you need, why at all “woo” him? Why would you have to play it hard for him to get you around? Notice how the word Love is far far away from the entire discussion.

So what is it?

The one I had loved, had developed chicken feet. I had never really thought of in terms of getting into a relationship with him. However, when such a time arrived, he was gone like the dinosaur era. The one I had married also had developed chicken claws. It wasn’t any love or lust. Although it was a relationship before we were married; the relationship itself was initiated with the intent of getting under the same roof in the conventional manner. A few years back, I tried to work out an arrangement yet again. It was clearly to support my basic cause of survival. Although partly I have succeeded; the major portion turned out to be a failure again. I may have come out of my prevailing issues; hence survival, but have dived into newer ones in the process. What the heck- it isn’t any relationship either! No points for guessing- chicken feet mania had set in.

So I guess, it’s only the rooster that rules!

Every time it’s men who step back, giving some or the other reason which sounds highly unreasonable and misleading. What’s worse, they don’t even bother to inform the other one about it- more often. They just stop talking about it one fine day. They flip the page over they maybe reading and shut the book close, placing it back on the rack. The lady is hardly able to locate the book, much less taking it out and flip through the pages and try to read and understand the contents!

Like I always say, arranged marriages are only an arrangement.

I am definitely wanting to get into a relationship- working out an arrangement of both convenience and survival. Apparently, I will develop feelings with time. Why not? If a sensible man of a desirable character is doing all that he can to please me as an individual, why wouldn’t I fall for him? If a man is trying to squeeze some time out of his already set in a pattern life for me; why wouldn’t I give some of mine in return? If I have someone giving me that big space to be me and yet letting me savor a relationship; why wouldn’t I announce about such an affair in open?

What about the priorities?

About a year and a half back, I had shared my thoughts with some of my very close friends. It was an informal get together when we happened to bring in the subject. That was the 1st time ever that my thoughts had taken shape of words for others to understand my mind. I wish to get settled- in terms of future security. My priority is not falling in love and then taking the stones on the way to get it working for me. I want it other way around. I can take all the pain to find someone who fits the bill and then sail on a smooth relationship- open or otherwise. That’s it- I said it. My priority remains to support my basic survival- so I would definitely not waste time in un- ending dates just to know each other! The going out for coffees or spending the nights together has to only happen after he knows what it is to start a relationship with me. I have no time or energy to spend on someone who is darn charming however commitment phobic.

I don’t wish to keep a man in my life if he has no important role to play.

I have my own priority in place. Any man who wishes to step in would have to wear the shoes of a provider. I need a man who could be one- instead of I doing all the running around to support my survival. This may kindly be not read as I wanting to not take up my own responsibilities. That’s exactly what I am doing right now and hence no man is around. In much crude words, I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man just for the heck of it. He needs to prove his worth and place.

On a lighter note-

I have met uncountable men who have expressed their want to rather make out with me. However, they want to use up my place for the act! They say it so romantically that it hurts turning their proposal down- “Olivia, why don’t you invite me over for a romantic, candle- lit evening time with some lazy drinks..?” I hear you moron, “Baby, be a man enough to invite me over to your place. I would love to see your world and make memories together throughout the evening!” Get the f*ck out of here.

I have no room for experiments or trying it out.

Compatibility, temperament, understanding- all of that works out as long as the two of us are well apprised of what we may be getting into. It can’t be love and then talking it out. I would want it absolutely the opposite way of that. First talking it all out and then developing feelings for him. Then again, I can not begin to imagine why would I fall in love without any reason? Why would I want to develop feelings for a stranger? Where does it go if he fails to elevate my present state of being- that being my the priority?

Love at first sight!

It can only be an attraction or the desire to strike a chemistry. Just how different is this than developing a crush for a Hollywood superstar? Soul- mate is just another freaky term- it could be Life- Partner; “Companionship” sounds much better. We love our friends and parents because of how they have been to us. We don’t fall in love with people and then make friends- do you see that? We pick and choose to bracketize a few people we know as friends because of what they have done for us. Now they didn’t do it because they loved us; but because of how they maybe as an individual. They may have liked us, or even wanted to befriend us close; all of which is acceptable.

I don’t need a man to love him. He needs to give me a reason to do so.

~*~*~

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

It’s pouring-

7th February, 2011- 8.30pm

This is what inspires me-

• To write
• To emote
• To put that smile back on my face

I have not been keeping well since last Tuesday. Only last night, I had to pop half a tablet of Flexon to tame the raging temperature. I am yet to assess what had caused this illness to take a hit on me. My maid had done some of her chanting to ward off that evil eye. It did seem to work yet again. I am not superstitious but do believe in occult and negative energies. May be meeting those new bunch of losers had set it on.

Like it had 10 days back, the weather had become awfully warm. There’s hardly any spring here. It’s straight summers after the winters- almost abruptly! The transition misses. So while I wasn’t really liking the sudden snapping of the weatherly temperature outside the house; I noticed that it had been keeping equally cloudy since the last 3 days. Keeping in mind how it rained only a few days back, I had almost focussed to bring some more down on this part of the earth!

3 days of prayers, reminding dear Nature how the science works (water cycle); it had decided to rain. It resulted in a scary storm of half hour with slanted rain and no electricity- remember, this is India? The wind was so strong that it felt as if would break the aluminium glass doors to make its way. I was both awestruck at the nature’s display of extreme weather changes as well as fascinated with it. The last time it rained a few days back was in the middle of night. Although my coughs had woken me up, I could only hear the pitter patter and not see much!

Anytime it’s about to rain, I break into coughs- no matter how well covered I may be. This evening, I could even smell that sweet scent in the air. So what if it rained only after 2 hours of my sniffing of it! As of now, it feels good. It’s become slightly colder than how it was.

Morning tomorrow; it’s going to be foggy again..

Lightning Desire

Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

~*~*~Submitted for Magpie Tales~*~*~

Bunch of Moral-less Morons

I stay as a tenant on the 2^nd floor of the 2 storey Cozy Homes that Ansals have built in Palam Vihar (Gurgaon). When I had shifted here in October- 2009, the ground floor backyard, as well as the front garden space had grasses as huge as 3 feet tall. The landlord of the ground floor property was clearly not looking after his place. Snakes were a common feature till one day I had coaxed my maid to de- root the shrubs and plant a few flowering ones in the front space and some vegetables at the back yard. None of the Authority Officials had taken any interest to even hear about the issue. They had wanted me to beat a stick on the ground to slime the snakes away!

Whatever..

All was going really well till the owner showed up a week back. Quite against of how I am, I had gone down to greet them. That’s not how I am. I am termed as one rude, snob and highly anti- social lady. Ask the people around the block- they would vote for it. I had gone down only to make them comfortable since they looked highly baffled. A huge house, full of dirt can do that to anyone. On their request, I had even sent my domestic to do some clean up jobs at their house. They had come with a purpose to arrange their flat and stay the night inside. In order to stay there, the foremost thing that was required to do was to clean the place then. They had wanted my maid to do their cleaning that would have taken 3 hours of her time from my place- I had duly obliged.

The real deal was struck then.

Don’t be surprised when I say that they didn’t carry any broom, brush, duster, rag or bucket with them! All of that was taken from my house. What were they thinking? Their water supply too didn’t work properly; they had wanted the poor lady to get water from second floor to complete her task! Although I had agreed to extend help in sending my maid for sometime- what all were they expecting? I was certainly not obligated to help them with anything. I could have as I always do; sat comfortably in front of the Computer and killed the day. The landlady had wanted me to believe that it didn’t matter to her that I stay on my own; since, she raised her own kids all by herself when her husband was gone to his work. He had retired from Merchant Navy.

I was aptly compensated for my gesture.

They were here for the weekend. I wasn’t doing well so had kept occupied with my own stuff- that I anyways would have even if I was fine. But then, I would have known what they were upto. My maid wore a gloomy face expression when she came to me this morning. I had not wanted any tea or coffee and so had wanted to dismiss her; when she asked me if I had seen what’s happened at the ground-floor garden. The guys had plucked the entire stretch of fully frown vegetables and leveled the soil! The lady was morose for a very right reason. She had slogged herself for that big patch to grow radishes, potatoes, brinjals and spinach, besides other smaller plants like tomatoes and onions. For the past 2 days I was unable to send my dame there since these guys were around or else, we would have plucked the majority of the stuff.

Only a week back, they had seemed to be pretty okay with those veggies planted there. I had categorically told them that they could notice me and I would take all of it away. No points for guessing; they didn’t. It’s because of people like them that I stay in my own world, not wanting to speak with anyone possible. Civic etiquettes are all dead. Expensive clothes or public school education doesn’t anymore guarantee a cultured or civilized blood. That whole breed is missing now. When confronted over the phone, they had sounded as callous as louts. I wonder; is this how it is everywhere else- I mean other countries too? I understand very well that the plot area was theirs, but we had slogged cleaning that wild mess and lifting the unmentionables thrown there by the adjoining building residents.

Perhaps, I should have understood about them when the lady mentioned that no one has ever loved her as much as her dog has! Her college going son was sat next to her and she had made no bones showing him, her husband and her daughter down, saying so. They also find it really “torturing” to put him on lease. Just because there aren’t any laws in my country, people house animals and make them poop in open. What an irony- we build houses to declare of being a human and then get animals inside our house to pet them.  Might as well let me get a set of canines and make them fill for the missing relationships in my Life. When I die, instead of people doing my funeral, I’ll let the canines tear my flesh and declare party!

I am so ashamed of being an Indian yet again!

They may have cooked and eaten the veggies themselves for all I may care, but their act only reflected upon their parental upbringing, social culture and civic values.

Note: The pics uploaded her are 2 months old images. The recent images could not be clicked.

Related Posts

• My Kitchen Garden Pics
• My Kitchen Garden Veggie Pics

Filed under Coffee Table Stories. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Universal Law of Existence

The law of cause and effect says: ”The cause must be prior to the effect” as one of the principle pointers.

In simple words; my finger can’t appear hurt before it is actually or physically hurt! This is where I tried to do a bit research with the Science theories and other laws. Precognition violates the same principle as stated above that an effect cannot occur before its cause and hence, there’s a lot of ambiguity over the phenomenon.

It seems; while deciding upon this particular theory, the law of Probability and Permutation and Combination has been overlooked.

Also, there could be Reversed Law of cause and effect as well. Like we drink water so we don’t get dehydrated. We follow rules so we don’t get booked under the Law. If I shop for enough groceries, I won’t have to spend my weekend buying those. A lot of effects can be avoided if we handle the cause well in time. Am I not predicting the effects of my action here?

A Law necessarily doesn’t talk about the effect alone.

Infact, if you study about any law deeply, you’ll also get to learn about its origin and also if there’s any room for other possibilities. A law is only an indication and not the judgement! If at all the “judgements” could be predicted in advance of time, even with certain amount of precision percentage, wouldn’t all of us subscribe to it? Keeping in mind the “suggestions”, we need to broaden the horizon our thoughts. That’s precisely why it’s called horizon. It’s an unending stretch of probabilities and possibilities.

All Occult related Sciences would cease to effect.

If we were to go by this law whereby it says that an effect can only happen after the cause has taken place; all sciences based on occult calculations would have to go. Predictions based on pre- calculations, as we do in Astrology, Palmistry and even Astronomy would have to be all put away. If certain lines on my palm can tell me that my marriage won’t be successful, no matter what and that’s exactly how it happens; how would one stand to explain the logic of the occurrence?

Just how can a prediction be done so much in advance of its occurrence?

As I had suggested earlier as well; knowing about a few things wouldn’t make those factual and not knowing the others won’t erase their existence. That way, we will only limit our scope of knowledge and its understanding. Like the expanding universe and moving galaxies; the field and source of knowledge too is ever growing. If there are frequencies that are beyond our comprehension and worlds that we haven’t found out about yet; there maybe be bigger logics already existing for us, waiting only for us to uncover our blinders.

There could be multiple outcomes.

Such a phenomenon would only point out upon the existence of the principle of the Probability! It is upon us if we use our brains to only mug up what’s in the book or question and research further about the contents of that chapter.

If

• Change is the only Constant,
• There could be any many possibilities,
• The use of the term “limit” has to be limited,
• We have to go beyond what’s already established,
• We would want to tap the untapped,
• The use of certain “law” or “principle” is to seek guidance instead of being blindly guided by it,
• If one or more or all of the stated above are sensibly understood,

There could be a probability or maybe a possibility if not many; that a few more Universal Laws may be established.

Anything and everything is possible.

• The principle pointer being, not all objects are governed by the laws already discovered. Either they follow their own course of action, resulting in a completely different unknown outcome; or, the particular law has yet not been established.
• There could be a mix of known and unknown facts in the same event or experiment; resulting in a phenomenon which is highly probable and equally unacceptable (as the case always is)

It’s about time that the 7 principles of Universal Cosmic Law be shuffled; welcoming amongst a few more pointers!

This particular law- “anything and everything is possible” may sound ambiguous since principally, Law is to Define; however, if we choose to stick to the definition, we will only miss out on a big opportunity to research and learn.

The choice made by you, would only reflect upon the development of your brain since the time we believed that the earth is a flat disc!

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

All that Glitters

Someone takes a handful of sand and produces a glass out of it.

A reflective coating is then applied and a mirror is obtained. We look into one, appreciating our own reflection; feeling good about it!

Obstacles polish you to become perfect.

To produce a beautiful, admirable object, the raw material has to be put through lot of tension process. A diamond takes millions of years decaying and then a strenuous cutting process to be sold with an expensive; almost un-affordable price- tag! A glass is produced only after the silica sand is blasted in the furnace. A metal shines only after it’s been extracted from the ore (read: another set of grueling steps of metallurgy process) and then molten to set in some particular shape.

Simple example: Stroke it or strike it to smoothen the rough edges.

Did you notice the “striking” feature?

All things that undergo violent procedures, begin to shine- becoming reflective even! They all have a smooth surface, icy- cold corners- enough to peel the flesh off the bones and finishes often alluring the onlooker.

Our face reflects it all.

The most amusing part is that we have various cosmetic applications that can and do make us look better. Boy, are there any easy steps to look pretty? Whatever the process maybe; our desire to look beautiful is very basic. Like all the other elements occurring in Nature; we too wish to attain a state of becoming a glow worm. Try to look at the people who have undergone hardships and are not arrogant about it. Their faces have a radiance that no salon treatment can ever bring on someone else’s face.

Rise and Shine..

• Night sky- the star twinkles!
• Jewelery made of metal with stones embedded flash when light falls on it!
• The embellishments or sequins on the designer dress!
• Satin, velvet, silk..
• Light sources when watched over from a distance glows and twinkles!
• The Sun shines!
• The Moon to shines in silvern color!
• The Sun’s reflection blings!
• Clear water shines!
• Studded and embellished accessories..!
• Pearl too reflects and shines!

Conclusions:

• Our urge to look better has nothing to do with cosmetology. It is highly elemental in its existence and origin.
• Almost all the naturally occurring elements have a tendency to shine after being subjected to vigorous treatment.
• So called all “lifeless” objects shine, glitter and bling.

So anyone who has taken it all in her stride, is bound to shine and be reflective!

Producing a mirror image is not at all a simple task. The object would have to hold all its properties to itself while producing a reflective image of the other one on its plane. Although it maybe a mirror, but till the time you are glaring at it; it shows your reflection on its surface- as though it were you! The one looking at his/her image may not appreciate his/her image- that’s just one of the reasons why the learned ones have barely any relationships happening around them. People get scared looking at their mirror images in them.

Break it in as many pieces- it will never lose its quality to reflect and shine!

• Decaying to Shine..!!
• Broken pieces of Me..

~*~*~

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Taking a break..

I received this in my email inbox from my Blog Friend- Kamal. I decided to share it with everyone- yet again.

Note: The content and the image are being directly replicated as how I have received.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?“

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?“

“Yes..” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it…“

lOlsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year – often called Chinese Lunar New Year although it actually is lunisolar. It is the most important of the traditional Chinese holidays. Despite its winter occurrence; in China, it is known as “Spring Festival,” the literal translation of the Chinese name 春节 (Pinyin: Chūn Jié), owing to the difference between Western and traditional Chinese methods for computing the seasons. The festival begins on the first day of the first month (Chinese: 正月; pinyin: Zhēng Yuè) in the traditional Chinese calendar and ends with Lantern Festival which is on the 15th day. Chinese New Year’s Eve, a day where Chinese families gather for their annual reunion dinner, is known as Chú Xī (除夕) or “Eve of the Passing Year.”

Chinese New Year is the longest and most important festivity in the Chinese Lunisolar Calendar. The origin of Chinese New Year is itself centuries old and gains significance because of several myths and traditions. Ancient Chinese New Year celebration is a reflection upon how the ancient culture and traditions of the people. By observing those we get to learn a lot about how it used to be back then. We learn about their faith, beliefs and even age- old customs!

The Lunisolar Chinese calendar.

Animal	Branch	New Year dates                                    New Year dates
鼠 Rat	子 Zǐ	February 19, 1996	February 7, 2008
牛 Ox	丑 Chǒu	February 7, 1997	January 26, 2009
虎 Tiger	寅 Yín	January 28, 1998	February 14, 2010
兔 Rabbit	卯 Mǎo	February 16, 1999	February 3, 2011
龍 Dragon	辰 Chén	February 5, 2000	January 23, 2012
蛇 Snake	巳 Sì	January 24, 2001	February 10, 2013
馬 Horse	午 Wǔ	February 12, 2002	January 31, 2014
羊 Sheep	未 Wèi	February 1, 2003	February 19, 2015
猴 Monkey	申 Shēn	January 22, 2004	February 8, 2016
雞 Rooster	酉 Yǒu	February 9, 2005	January 28, 2017
狗 Dog	戌 Xū	January 29, 2006	February 16, 2018
豬 Pig	亥 Hài	February 18, 2007	February 5, 2019

This Lunisolar Chinese calendar determines the Chinese New Year dates. The calendar is also used in countries that have adopted or have been influenced by Han culture (notably the Koreans, Japanese and Vietnamese) and may have a common ancestry with the similar New Years festivals outside East Asia (such as Iran, and historically, the Bulgars lands)

Chinese zodiac

In the Gregorian calendar, Chinese New Year falls on different dates each year, a date between January 21 and February 20. In the Chinese calendar, winter solstice must occur in the 11th month, which means that Chinese New Year usually falls on the second new moon after the winter solstice (rarely the third if an intercalary month intervenes). In traditional Chinese Culture, lichun is a solar term marking the start of spring, which occurs about February 4. The dates for Chinese New Year from 1996 to 2019 (in the Gregorian calendar) are at the left, along with the year’s presiding animal zodiac and its earthly branch. The names of the earthly branches have no English counterparts and are not the Chinese translations of the animals.

Alongside the 12-year cycle of the animal zodiac there is a 10-year cycle of heavenly stems. Each of the ten heavenly stems is associated with one of the five elements of Chinese astrology, namely: Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water. The elements are rotated every two years while a yin and yang association alternates every year. The elements are thus distinguished: Yang Wood, Yin Wood, Yang Fire, Yin Fire, etc. These produce a combined cycle that repeats every 60 years. For example, the year of the Yang Fire Rat occurred in 1936 and in 1996, 60 years apart.

Many confuse their Chinese birth-year with their Gregorian birth-year.

As the Chinese New Year starts in late January to mid-February, the Chinese year dates from January 1 until that day in the new Gregorian year remain unchanged from the previous Gregorian year. For example, the 1989 year of the snake began on February 6, 1989. The year 1990 is considered by some people to be the year of the horse. However, the 1989 year of the snake officially ended on January 26, 1990. This means that anyone born from January 1 to January 25, 1990, was actually born in the year of the snake- rather than the year of the horse! Many online Chinese Sign calculators do not account for the non-alignment of the two calendars, using Gregorian-calendar years rather than official Chinese New Year dates.

That video comes as a part of Wishes from Ji

The major festival days are the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th 13th and 15th.

Food

• Buddhas Delight: An elaborate vegetarian dish served by Chinese families on the eve and the first day of the New Year. A type of black hair-like algae, pronounced “fat choy” in Cantonese, is also featured in the dish for its name, which sounds like “prosperity”. May I add; it’s my delight too..?
• Jau gok- The main Chinese new year dumpling. It is believed to resemble ancient Chinese gold ingots.
• Jiao zi- dumplings: Eaten traditionally in northern China because the preparation is similar to packaging luck inside the dumpling, which is later eaten.
• Mandarin oranges are the most popular and most abundant fruit during Chinese New Year.
• Noodles: Families may serve uncut noodles, which represent longevity and long life, though this practice is not limited to the new year. We all love this one- isn’t it?
• Sweets and similar dried fruit goods are stored in a red or black
  Chinese candy box- Taro cakes, Turnip cakes

Icons and ornamentals

• The Koi fish is usually seen in paintings. It symbolizes surplus or success. Our very own WP- Koi theme is also based on the same.
• Dragon and lion dances are common during Chinese New Year. It is believed that the loud beats of the drum and the deafening sounds of the cymbals together with the face of the dragon or lion dancing aggressively can evict bad or evil spirits.
• Lanterns would be red in colour and tend to be oval in shape. These are the traditional Chinese paper lanterns. Those lanterns, used on the fifteenth day of the Chinese New Year for the Lantern Festival, are bright, colourful, and in many different sizes and shapes.

In addition to red envelopes, which are usually given from elder to younger, small gifts (usually of food or sweets) are also exchanged between friends or relatives (of different households) during Chinese New Year. Gifts are usually brought when visiting friends or relatives at their homes. Common gifts include fruits (typically oranges, and never pears), cakes, biscuits, chocolates, candies, or some other small gifts.

Wishing you all a very Happy Chinese New Year..

Credits: Wikipedia

Horror of horrors

It’s highly uncanny.

Isn’t it? Anytime I want to watch a movie on HBO or Star Movies, it turns out to be a horror watch! I mean, it’s always a haunted house, village or someone about to get possessed!

I am yet to figure out.

I have not yet found any reason why I always get to know the story? It seems to be unfolding itself right before my eyes. Although Matrix or Minority Report weren’t any horror movies; but the story was already told in my head. Ask my then current Manager Sanjana (in Vodaphone), how she had hated me for constantly talking about the movie. She had declared that I had already watched the movie and had on purpose sat next to her to avenge all her dictation. Well, no boasting but she was good to me- maybe because I was good at work..

I am fascinated to Occult.

Studying about the Paranormal subjects and their occurring; is just what I could do the whole of my “left-over” Life. People around me have witnessed how well I have been able to assess dreams and minds- just by listening about it over the phone. My intuitions have never ever been proven wrong. My dreams are often pre- cognitive and as if communicating with me. It’s highly rare that I dream of those random images which are only a result of how bizarre my day had been.

I live in that unknown dimension.

How else would you explain the strength of my will power? I have made those miracles happen as many times as I have wanted one to happen. All I need is to focus really hard. A few things have taken some long years before materializing, maybe it took time to pull the things back into my sphere; as in maybe they were meant to be completely lost- infact I almost had. The other set of things happened within a few months or days. A few had happened even before you could blink after I had made a mention of the same.

My mom often talks to me.

Anytime I have wished to discuss my problems with her- about the ones those may have squashed me hard; I have had hallucination like phenomenon occurred to me. She would look like how she used to be when I was a kid. She barely looks like any human- I mean that aura and brilliance can not be achieved even if one goes on a diet of consuming solid diamonds and other gem stones! Dreams of her are somewhat different- I visualize her as the same nagging and ignorant woman as she was; i.e., before we became friends.

Mom’s Blessings for the New Year
My Dida’s Blessings

My dreams show me the way.

The images I see in my dreams, when I am asleep often turn out to be the pre- cognitive spells. I have been able to predict some of the major changes in my Life well in advance. I could prepare myself mentally so well as if I already knew of its coming!

Outlawed.

Precognition violates the principle that an effect cannot occur before its cause. I just happen to read this while reading the wiki definition of precognition. I had only wanted to write about how occult influences and impresses upon my state of being; I have struck into a huge sphere of reasonings and theories, giving way to numerous possibilities. Some of which have not been recognized by science yet.

Let me research a bit before I post across my findings.

~*~*~

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

About Time..!

I am not writing much now-a-days!

Neither am I riding my exercising bike like I used to. I am not very sure what is affecting my thought process that is stopping me from beating up the keys of the computer to build up a post. I am not even reading much- excepting a couple of blog sites; that I anyways used to. I amn’t doing anything creative either. My socializing is almost over. I amn’t travelling or going out as well. Barring a little cooking, I wonder what is it that I am doing for the entire day.

I am slaking- majorly..

There was a time- not long ago, when I used to pen it down in my hand writing, if it wasn’t possible to type immediately. I used to keep waking till the wee hours of morning. Then would keep myself glued to the computer screen till I was done posting it the way I wanted to. I would skip meals and scold myself in my mind later.

My inner voice used to look down upon me.

Often it ridiculed me for having remained so ignorant (about blogging) for so long. I would feel embarrassed at my own not knowing about the nuances of hosting the site. Teary eyed, I had posted a couple of posts to get “traffic” as it is referred to as and google extensively how to work it out. I would get onto Blogging Tips site and pick up posts at random and read and practice. It really won’t be out of place to mention that the lady was more than kind to me. I had even wanted to post a “guest post” after the summers.

That’s exactly when Jingle happened.

I would have regarded that join in for Rally comment as a spam if I had not read about Blog Rallys at Timethief’s site. She had even wished me luck when I commented at her site thanking her for sharing that post. I am yet to figure out how many people’s blessing went in whereby I write about my thoughts and readers from all over the world come reading and appreciating it and even identifying some part themselves in me.

My learning time has begun.

Attending an academic school isn’t enough. Neither is leading one’s own life. All of us do atleast the latter one if not the two of those. So how do I stand a chance to be any different? I am in no rush for establishing any tangible relationship, which is so governed by our selfish motives- is what is different about me. You may call me maverick- the sensible ones, tangled into more than one relationships- do! Ever since I have started to write, I have as if sat in yet another primary school.

• Writing ethics.
• Proper vocabulary.
• Replying to comments ethics.
• Being polite to everyone- including the ones who start offending right from the 1st alphabet (of their comment)
• Then again, saying “No” in a really beautiful way that they fall in love with your way of saying so..

And also,

• Discovering a beautiful world that this blogosphere is.. it is really and an unending one at that!
• Making like- minded friends.
• Reading even more wonderful posts.
• Learning about different cultures, traditions and practices.
• Getting enough crappy sites (read writers with amateurish wish to write and with absolutely no clarity of their ideas, views or even the language) to gossip about – yeah, go ahead kill me (Note; anyone wants any example- shoot an email, I’ll send you the link)

It becomes an addiction or an obsession even before you realize!

I always get to recognize the passionate ones from the “wannabe-s”. It sure way is more fun than one can express in a post made up of words when we are talking in terms of emotions, satiation and bliss. Then again, words is all I have here.

Then why is it that I am not writing enough?

Lethargy? Complacence? Lack of interest? None really! Maybe, I only stepped back to enjoy how things are right now! Instead of just running down to reach there; I am walking a few lazy steps so I enjoy the roadside serenes, savor the beauty and appreciate each and every frame that I earned through 10 months of blogging. On days when I receive a fat comment about how a new blog friend is able to relate to my thoughts; I actually sit back and grin like a fool!

How I loved glitters!

My friends often laughed at me. My boy- friends never understood why I loved glitter cards.. I somehow knew that that was a major part of me; i.e. it’s going to stay beyond teenage obsession. It has. Anyone who visits a couple of blog posts would know what I mean! On 2nd thoughts, did the creator of the glitter graphics know that there was this crazy sucker of this art lurking there?

I feel my resting phase is going to come to an end.

I better prepare well in advance.

• To enjoy..
• To rejoice..
• To celebrate..

Love you all.. Wishing you a wonderful spring. Love is in the air!

Foggy Foggy Monday Morning

Weather here, in this part of the Gurgaon City is highly unpredictable.

Last year, this winters; it had been foggy only for a day or two in December. I had enjoyed some foggy way drive while driving back from Jaipur to Delhi. Towards the New Year, it would start becoming foggy at 8-ish in the evening and then steer clear by late midnight. I had been practically missing the foggy days adventure. The year I had gotten married, it was stuffed up so bad that we drove back home at 10km/hr speed. All the vehicles were put on a snail trail. The one I was in, was put at the last of the row. Even the day I was to shift from my MN home to my marital house, the visibility had dropped to Zero in no time. This was only a couple of days before my Wedding. I had then traveled from Saket to Rohini. I had started at 10.30pm and reached at 1.10 in midnight!!

• My Pre- Bridal Makeover
• My Wedding Day

Ever since, I didn’t get to enjoy much of fog.

Till I shifted to Gurgaon. Last year it was heavenly. I would go out in the evening for a walk and come back all grinning! Fog would have set on me too. It would remain foggy till as late as 1.30 in the afternoon the next day. My domestic would get a perfect excuse of coming late- “I could barely see nothing..!“

Bring it on..

After a couple of you-blink-and-miss hours of misty fog, today happens to be a perfect foggy morning. It had rained a night before in the middle of the night. then yesterday it was cloudy with almost no sun that the particles would dry up. Maybe that brought in some moisture in the weather to condense. Oh yes, that must have been!

I am enjoying!

A hot cup of coffee that my maid makes for me; today she was on time.. Finally, my scoldings have sunken inside her grey cells. I clicked a few pics of the fog outside. I wouldn’t know why the flash didn’t blink. This isn’t my camera and I haven’t done much RnD over the gadget. I am breathing too. I loved how those misty particles caressed my cheeks when I had stepped out in the veranda.

Fog is supposed to be good for skin- isn’t it?

 

The 13th Zodiac- Ophiuchus- II

The 13th Zodiac- Ophiuchus- I

I escaped changing my sign by just 1 day..

Jokes apart, perhaps we need to really research as to how many constellation pass through the Sun. Then again, the stars or the electromagnetic rays can influence only a certain period of time of an individual and not the complete life- not at all the times! If so, then why all of us are categorized into only 12 or 13 types, plus the cusp making it 26 types?

Astrology is not and can not be limited to a certain number of constellations the Sun travel through. The other planetary positions and with respect to each others location, creates numerous combinations and permutations. Then again, occult too rules. That means Palmistry, Spirituality and also a wide based study of Esotericism would have to be combined altogether to understand a human behavior or personality trait of an individual. Then again, if we haven’t really kept our “minds” open to even understand it- much less appreciate it; how will we ever understand the addition or edition of any rule, group or celestial body as the case is?

Isn’t the “Change” the only Constant?

Anyone who wishes to stand up against an addition or edition into certain system, would have to first exhibit his understanding of the existing system. That alone would make him/her see the newer possibilities or the loop- holes. The ones opposing to the newer “possibility”; are they completely in sync with Theosophy? Alas, the ones who believe that a couple of lines in the daily- local newspaper would “give” them the highlights of the day, are only expressing how shallow their knowledge is.

What understanding do we hold of the subject that we are sitting around a small piece of probability- opposing it blatantly? I say it probability since neither you; nor I went up there in the space or watched it through any celestial telescope.

That said, we need to research a bit more to see any more constellations or undiscovered planets and stars that would help us understand why 2 people born at the same time, by the seconds hand of the watch, at the same hospital are diametrically opposite in nature. Once again, anyone who thinks that this is bogus; please explain why the twins so born from the same set of parents (obviously.. duh), are so much different in their individual natures- esp. born through cesarean method that would expose both the young ones to the outer world at the same time?

On a lighter note- Someone please help me understand- what is my correct time of birth? When one of my tiny parts was touched my the operation theater light when my mum’s tum was cut open, or when my head was dragged out of the sap inside the uterus- or when doctors must have looked at each other realizing that the baby (I i.e.,) was fine; given the fact that my pulse rate could not be recorded and that had led to an emergency operation to bring me out in this world full of confusions and contradiction- and not to forget the contra- indications!

It would be highly interesting to note that the Calender we follow is Gregorian which is based on solar pattern; however, the day of celebrating Hindu festivals are still determined by the Lunar calender that we used to follow before the Solar Calender came into existence. Why we shifted to Solar calender was to maintain consistency of the repetition of days, seasons and the number of months.  If we go back and read the Lunar calender, we would get to observe that 13 months have always existed in that pattern.

Anyone wanting to oppose a certain system that has existed ever since the mankind has, would also have to stop celebrating the festivals- since those are calculated as per the Moon’s position. Why only Hindu or Indian festivals; Eid celebrated by Mohammedans and the Chinese Moon Festival are all decided upon by the moon’s orbital position. So if the same pattern also says that there may be more than 12 months actually; why do we have to tear our hair over it?

Let’s see- how can a couple of celestial bodies up there rule our fate, lives and personality?

Quite likewise, it could be more than what we have been stuck to for the last few centuries. Just because we know a few things won’t make it a fact and not knowing the others won’t erase its existence.

Why is it being so difficult to accept that we have been ignorant of a particular science that has existed since the most ancient times?

Now, I see! I guess that’s because 13 is an evil number- isn’t it? Are the traditional scholars listening?

 

The 13th Zodiac- Ophiuchus- I

This is what I found when I googled the term. This is the generic definition published across all such sites giving information about the same.

According to astrological principles, the Sun travels from the constellation Scorpius and goes directly into the sign of Sagittarius. But due to the constant motion of the cosmos, the Sun enters, for a few days of the year, the star constellation ‘Ophiuchus‘ before entering Sagittarius from Scorpius, thus creating astrologically the birth of a 13th sign of the Zodiac, which is named as Ophiuchus- the Serpent Holder.

The constellation of Ophiuchus is the only sign of the Zodiac which is linked to a real man. This man lived in ancient Egypt around the 27th century BC, and his name was Imhotep. The attributes of Imhotep can also be found in the Biblical Hebrew man Joseph, son of Jacob. Imhotep is credited with many accomplishments including the knowledge and use of medicine. It is said of Imhotep that he brought the art of healing to mankind. The symbol of a serpent, which is still widely used today to represent the medical profession, was used to represent Imhotep. Imhotep was also known as ‘Aesclepius‘ to the ancient Greeks.

ATTRIBUTES THAT DESCRIBE THE SIGN OF OPHIUCHUS

• Interpreter of dreams, premonitions
• Attracts good luck
• Serpent holder
• Lofty ideals
• A seeker of peace and harmony
• Doctor of medicine or science
• To add, increase, join or gather together
• Poetical, inventive nature, expanding
• Seeks higher education
• Overseer, supervisor of work
• Fame – either grand or completely misunderstood
• Longevity, aspirations of healing the ills of man
• Architect, builder, reaches for the stars
• Tax assessor or levies taxes
• Astrological talents, intuitive
• Large family indicated, but apt to be separated from them when young
• The number twelve holds great significance
• Foresight to benefit from hard times
• Has secret enemies in family or close associations
• Many jealous of this subject
• Notable father, apple of father’s eye when young
• High position in life expected [depending on aspects] highest fame and legend comes
• After death however
• Feelings of granular, wise,
• Likes to wear clothing of vibrant colors
• Receives the favor of those in charge

Ophiuchus in the Planetary Zodiac

The planet Pluto was found in Ophiuchus until the end of 2003, after which it passed into Serpens Cauda, the Serpent’s Tail. The Centaur object, the minor planetoid Chiron, was visible against the stars of Ophiuchus until November 2001, after which it passed over the border into Sagittarius. Venus and Mercury can be found in Ophiuchus for a time each year.

The New Zodiac as being proposed

• Aries = April 19 – May 13
• Taurus = May 14 – June 19
• Gemini = June 20 – July 20
• Cancer = July 21 – Aug 9
• Leo = August 10 – September 15
• Virgo = September 16 – October 30
• Libra = October 31 – November 22
• Scorpio = November 23 – November 29
• Ophiuchus = November 30 – December 17
• Sagittarius = December 18 – January 18
• Capricorn = January 19 – February 15
• Aquarius = February 16 – March 11
• Pisces = March 12 – April 18

Ophiuchus the constellation

Ophiuchus is a large constellation located around the celestial equator. Its name is from the Greek Ὀφιοῦχος ”serpent-bearer”, and it is commonly represented as a man grasping the snake that is represented by the constellation Serpens. Ophiuchus was one of the 48 constellations listed by the 2nd-century astronomer Ptolemy, and it remains one of the 88 modern constellations. It was formerly referred to as Serpentarius (English pronunciation: /ˌsɜrpənˈtɛəriəs/; also Anguitenens), a Latin word meaning the same as its current name.

Ophiuchus- Astrological Significance

Ophiuchus has sometimes been used in sidereal astrology as a thirteenth sign in addition to the twelve signs of the traditional Zodiac, because the eponymous constellation Ophiuchus (Greek Ὀφιοῦχος “Serpent-bearer”) as defined by the 1930 IAU constellation boundaries, is situated behind the Sun between November 29 and December 17.

The origin of this idea dates back to 1970, with Stephen Schmidt’s suggestion of a 14-sign zodiac (also including Cetus as a sign). A 13-sign zodiac has been suggested by Walter Berg and by Mark Yazaki in 1995, a suggestion that achieved some popularity in Japan (where Ophiuchus is known as snake messenger (へびつかい座 hebitsukai^?)).

Mainstream sidereal astrology, notably Hindu astrology, and tropical astrology (including the popular Sun sign astrology, use the traditional 12-sign zodiac based on dividing the ecliptic into 12 equal parts rather than the IAU constellation boundaries, and do not regard Ophiuchus as a sign!

Also follow- The 13th Zodiac- Ophiuchus- II

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Buttoning up the bygone memories

Today I had sat & sorted the Button Box.

I have been seeing this assortment mix since I was a toddler. I loved playing with so many of those small, colorful, plastic tuckables. Of course it was highly forbidden! Although I was responsible to find the exact match of the sample from that lot. Every 6 months I would sort them, clean them and place them back in a cleaner box. I have been doing this since I was maybe 6 or 7 years of age!

I am sure they are happy to be out of that box, washed and dried!

Tomorrow I will bead the same types in a thread and put them back in a box in a more arranged pattern. Like me, they too have laid closed hidden somewhere there but not really knowing where.

After I lost mom when I was 17, I only had as much time to pack up my dignity and leave my uncle’s place. Most of my stuff have remained inside their respective carton boxes ever since. I was hardly having any life much less to check the packed cartons. I only unpacked the ones those had my outfits or dishes. Although I had unpacked 2 of those big cartons last year, the Ariel detergent box that held all the buttons had remained un- sorted.

Up until now that is!

I sorted all the buttons how I used to for all those lost years. Memories had caught up on me completely off- guarded. The lipstick mom had picked up from her friend’s place, when she was young; reminded me how she never applied any! She was fascinated with how the color- stick went up and down and had stolen that one- only to have broken it and stay guilty for the rest of her life. The only few times she did carry some color on her pout was when I had insisted and almost been adamant about that.

Some things are just gone with my mom.

Those huge artistic buttons that were tucked on my Snowhite dresses. Ruby would know this. I was a matching freak even back in my teens. I would wear lemon yellow pumps with my chrome yellow- polka dotted peasant skirt and top!

Those red n yellow buttons were tucked to my red n yellow cardigan that wore when I was maybe 3! I had received my 1st National Level Award and in Painting Competition wearing that one. The yellow wool of that one and mom’s pink cardigan were later combined to knit a pullover that I now wear to save myself of the chilling winter winds. I have been wearing that one since I was 16!

The twitch buttons were toyed with every now n then. I only needed mom to look elsewhere and I would start twitching those. Those hooks of my school skirt, folds a story within themselves of what a rebel I used to be. Not that I am any better now. These metal spring buttons still looked as if were toyed with only yesterday. They were eager to jump within my thumb and index finger to get pressed with that small “click” sound.

Those are the keys of my mom’s sewing machine. I don’t have the machine anymore. I had given that away to my then current landlady in 1998. I had not known that apparently after 10 years from then, I may be in a position to use it. I had barely any place to stay under- how could I have carried the bigger things? It was an Usha model with an electric motor fitted beside the provisions of stitching with both hand and feet. I used to stitch with that one at times. Till she was alive, I wore home- stitched slacks. None of the tailors have been able to do it as perfectly as she used to. I don’t wear fitted slacks with my long tunic or kurta anymore. She would stitch blouses in no time for the Basant Panchmi day that our school is so famous for. That one day every year mostly in the month of January or early February, the girls would brave the cold weather wearing really low- cut necklines with their saris. Carrying any stole was just so “elderly” (“behanjiana” in vernacular)

Mom had collected those shells when she was a toddler!

Safety pins, metal pins, screws, thumb pins, nails, plug pins- gems clips, buckles, jumbled up threads, beads.. these scattered array of plastic and metal have only pulled me to my childhood when mom would sit me and share her childhood stories. I don’t have her to share my stories. I don’t have her to make her re- share her stories.

That ring is perfect for my heart finger. I have worn it now.

All I have are the things that she has left behind.

Quite hauntingly they barge upon my state of being making me feel lonesome. There is this void that no boy- friend or husband or a darned spouse can fill! She was a collector of stuff. It seems she has passed all her traits to me while holding my hand while she was breathing her last.

Was it deliberate?

Did she leave all that she has for me to see them and read my years spent with her? My maid had been looking at my face all through the while I had been sorting them. I couldn’t emote with her around. Now that she isn’t around, my tears have found a way to flow down my cheeks. No amount of drinks or chats with my friends could distract me. This is precisely why I am more attached and joined to things instead of people- cause I don’t have anyone around.

And why not? It’s mom who has left it all for me and also instilling a similar habit in me. I am only living up the tradition.

 

Letter from a daughter to her Dad

I received this in my email inbox from my Blog Friend- Kamal. I hadn’t read it up until now. But when I did, I decided to share it with everyone.

Note: The content and the image are being directly replicated as how I have received.

~*~*~

A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”. Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbour’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

When Devil strips off the Prada wear

No sooner I decide to type in a few words, the power- cut invites itself over.

Perhaps it knows it too well exactly when to play a peek- a- boo. More than being Power supply, it acts like being power Less. Out of the 24 hours of the day, it keeps itself out of reach for close to 10 hours. For crying out loud Gurgaon is not a village; it actually happens to be the Millenium City!

While many of us try to fight the infamous Writer’s Block or the more pronounced forgetfulness of the correct vocabulary; like the uninvited guests, it calls upon us just when we would have been much better without it’s haunting presence.

The species of “yet to claim being” a Writer like I am now, are bogged down with some of the very basic issues than the larger, “more towards the intellectual” reasons. We tend to skip our meals or our favorite TV serial (criminal); sometimes even our sleep, which has its own hazardous health repercussions- to only type some words to claim upon our possession of literary skills.

How are we to know that that becomes the perfect time for the Devil to throw away its Prada wear and exclaim a moronius gasp on us?

That’s it- all we are left to do is to sit and brood- thinking of all the past sins that we may have committed to earn that “blank” time. Definition of Blank Time: All work concluded to carve out a couple of guilt free hours to beat the keys on the computer keyboard, exhibiting our command over the language and mark an attendance of our virtual presence to the entire world!

One of the weirdest observations that I have made ever since I have started to Blog- barring the first day when I had created this account is that the electricity zaps exactly when I may have written a couple of sentences, barely managing to give a shape to my scattered thoughts of certain shade.

What else then?

I smirk at the humor, flare my nostrils and roll my eye- balls over a bit. Not that it makes any damned difference, excepting for relaxing some of my facial muscles!

What do we have here..? The Demon just decided to show up. I see it grinning its evil smile. I can hear it say – “go girl, type some- before you once again sit heavy on your couch, calling one of the greatest invention of the man- kind the unmentionables..”

Whatever..!!

So here I go. Let me see if I can actually type some before it disappears once again..

Tootloo..

Spelling my Liberation

It couldn’t have been any better!

There’s so much to share about today. I hope that I remember all of it till I write it down here.

I am walking through a newer dimension of discovering my ownself every day.

I feel I am back to my teens again. I feel liberated like how we used to be in our teens. I am not worried about tomorrow or even later or life in general. All I can hear is my bigger feathers of my wings, flapping over my shoulder. Suddenly I don’t feel that I’ll have to be home bound for any longer. The last few months have been very beautiful. So has been this New Year and the 1st month of 2011.

7.30am

I woke up. It is supposedly a Sunday today. The first thing I did after opening my peepers, feeling victorious cheating the Pigeon Pair; I had plugged in the pressing iron into the socket, switching it on. I ironed the skirt Ruby has gifted me. Some flowing and frilly one she has bought for me. Needless to say- I love such ones. I even like ironing those to perfection. It had taken half hour pressing all the creases through the tucks and folds.

For the last 3 years I have been wanting to do this. To go out, to watch a movie all by myself. That’s right! I have been shopping all alone; even stopping by to have food- all alone. I stay on my own. I am completely alone- bereft of any known relationship. I like travelling keeping self- contented all by myself. I should have done that too long back.

I was only waiting for some special day to make this happen. A perfect day when I am relaxed, doing nothing and not feeling lazy. I had planned to be out for the whole day- as it is. What better than work towards my New Year pledge? I did it. My New gifted outfit and by Ruby was worn on a special day. Yet to figure out if that skirt made me do that!

Watching movies all by myself, enjoying it, going 3 floors down after the 1st one, buying yet another ticket and watching yet another movie; completely on my own- sheer liberation! I have been completely independent- at times even of my own self. I had badly wanted to do this for past so many years. The 1st time I thought about it, it had felt strange. The 2nd time, it was even more awkward to think about it. Last few weeks I have been dieing to do this but couldn’t find a good moment to get into action. Yesterday seemed to be my day- yet again!

No One Killed Jessica

Some one I know very close had once commented that I better not press charges against my dad. I am not as popular as her that I would create a stir and get any hearing- much less any Justice- if at all that is justified. I won’t mention here how I had felt listening to that one statement. This was at the same time when I had sent him a Notice. However, after watching the movie today, I had felt much better.

I feel positive too.

Watching a miraculous development of chain events leading to her win even after being dead against someone as powerful as who had killed her; my determination has grown stronger. As on date, not a single lawyer wishes to take up this case. A lot of fiddling with the Judiciary is required. There are several of those “laws” missing that would have to be created to even move the Court! I am only hung suspended in a state of vacuum, wanting yet another miracle to strike me- like how it did while searching for dad’s whereabouts.

https://www.lawguru.com/answers/question
Getting Back at My Dad
Giving Back at the Atrocities- An Initiation
An Ode of respect for Dad
A Gift for Dad; I Love
Searching for my Dad in the Haystack

Also read

Judicial Discrimination about Bigamy
Why is Identity declared with Father’s Name?

The 1st movie had left me in tears.

I could very well identify with Vidya Balan as Sabrina Lall. The run around, the Court hearings and the frustration expressed in her acting had brutally reminded me of how it was at those times.

Claiming My Mom’s Pride from Bank of Baroda
What’s in a name..?

Even after so many years, I am forced to use a name of a man, who is still absconding- namely my dad. The one who had brought me up has no Legal Identity associated with that of mine, i.e., my mom. This is after my parents were married and I am born out of their wedlock! What a sick Judiciary we have. The Laws we are equally redundant.

All I had wanted was to step out and watch a movie in a Cinema Hall. I didn’t want to get deviated or “entertained”. If at all, I was only brought closer to my present day state of being.

Dhobi Ghat

This was a movie of my liking. Completely artistic and a serious drama, portraying Life. Perhaps both husband and wife have a penchant for some “foreigner” visiting India for a film or photography. Why Aamir screamed at the realization of a suicide act being carried at his house before he moved as a tenant was not understood. The treatment was very subtle and yet, it reflected upon our society- exactly how it is. Hypocrite and complicated!

I had reached home at 7 in the evening. I had stepped out at about 12.30 in the afternoon. After over 6 hours of fun, I had felt so tired watching TV. The idea wasn’t to “watch” a movie but to go out alone to do so.

One of my New Year Resolutions has been accomplished.

Dare I say successfully? It couldn’t have been any better! I guess it was more after those chirpy chats yesterday that I got so impulsive.

The only one thing left to do now is to board a plane, while viewing it!

Weekend celebrations with Nimue

She happens to be a nice blend of a girl and a lady!

She is so vivacious and lovely. She writes to perfection (we all know this one) The very 1st time she had come and read me, something had remained in me! I would look forward to read her and await her visit..

Today, I got to meet her. She is Lady Nimue. Oh yes!! We all know her- don’t we..?

We met at CP- that being centrally located for both of us <Chirpy chats..> After a few cups of coffee in CCD, we had headed to Dilli Haat! <Chirpy chats..> I had boarded an auto after a very long time <Chirpy chats..> We had exchanged gifts- like how we used to when in teens. I still am one- for sure. I and Ruby had exchanged finger rings when had gone out on 1st date, I mean school bunk.. lolss

<Chirpy chats..>

I had not carried my camera (sulk..), but she had (grin..)

She had gladly clicked pics and mailed to me for this pic. The ones behind the stone background were clicked by her. She gifted that candle stand. I had carried a Bournville; since she had earned one.. The small paper bag was nice that I insisted she buy a small organic wash to hold that bag as her gift.

<Chirpy chats..>

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I loved how it all turned out to be.

We had decided the schedule 2 days in advance. Originally we were to meet for a couple of hours. We ended up staying together for about 5 hours. She is free- spirited.. now we all know where those blog posts come from! It didn’t seem to bother that I had met Hemant at the same place- 12 years back. That was my 1st visit at DH too. Ever since, I have been a regular one to this place. I was so thrilled when Nimue had agreed to walk with me through the Crafts Fair.

<Chirpy chats..>

Here Nimue,

Thanks for suggesting that we meet. I hadn’t done this for ages. I had almost concluded that that only happens in teens and not at a ripened age like mine. I mean, it means a lot to me that you came over for a nice date after your shift job. The date was very nice indeed. It was loaded with lot of Chirpy chats..

Sending you loads of wishes and smiles
Love xoxox

See you again My Friend..

My Dear Ruby is leaving today.

As I start to write this here, she is on her way from her home to the airport. She had come from her UK home, for her sister’s wedding.

• Superna’s Wedding Day Pics
• Superna’s Mehandi Pics
• Superna’s Cocktail Pics

This was a long stay indeed- from early December to late January. I am trying not to cry! I had- the last time she was leaving in 2008. I was going through one of the worst of my phases then. She had come to attend her yet another sister’s wedding. I had not attended that one. Then again- this is the first and the only one wedding I have attended in her family.

There’s always been something or the other I have kept occupied with.

I had not attended Ruby’s wedding too! I have missed all the 4 weddings of her family and 1 more of her marital family. At all times, I had to either prioritize, or was too involved to have been in touch or was just buried deep under my testing phases!

Many of my close friends had already come to my place ever since I have burnt my veil down in the summers of last year. This was the toughest part of all.

To socialize!

To begin to smile again!

To start sharing some time and bits of my life with my friends too!

All through this, Ruby had been the only one who had been coming at my place- no matter where I stayed. The house I had stayed in MN with Hemant before walking out on him was a shabby accommodation. It didn’t seem to bother Ruby though. She would bring her elder daughter along with, sit her on the mat (on the floor), and sit with me in the other room and talk! While Googly would doze off over the mat on the ground, watching Cartoon Network, Ruby would keep listening to my story in the other room.

I had shifted to Gurgaon the same year.

I had begun to sulk and shy away. My things weren’t at all the ones those could be talked about anyway. This had gone on for about 2 years. I just didn’t wish to speak- to anyone. Things at my end were so skewed and screwed up, that I expected no one to understand much less appreciate. Worse, I didn’t even want to share to save myself of the bother. I just wasn’t talking- only brooding and retrospecting.

15^th January, 2011

Even though I had stood myself back the way I used to be and had started socializing; something had still felt hollow.

Ruby did come to my home along with her husband and two beautiful daughters. Drinks, dinner and showing the place around, non- stop talks..! How else are girls supposed to be- eh?

For years I have been complaining her. She had gifted me this beautiful cut glass dinner set. I could not take that out of its packing since 2003, till last year after having got made that display case. That was my wedding gift from her. It may sound horribly comic- but the day I had unpacked that set and eaten my food from it, seemed to be some landmark of my Life! I had teased her no end this time too, telling her to be careful with those plates.

The 1^st thing she had done after entering my place was to change her shoes.

She had changed her daughters’ shoes too; she had carried their home shoes with her! How considerate could she be? That’s not the end of it. Even Sanjay had removed his shoes. That was a Kodak moment- really!

I just don’t bring in the shoes worn to travel the outside world. We walk over every place (and dirt) and then enter the house getting the same set of germs inside! I have spare sets of slippers that my guests could wear. Then again, I have barely had anyone coming for years together.

So when Ruby had reached my place like she always managed to dig me out of the rut; I had completely freaked out. I had showed her the mug Blaga had sent. The dinner set Ruby had gifted me on my wedding, the tea- light holders that Sophie had gifted, my paternal grand- mother’s cut glass plates, the shells my mom had collected when she was young, a few decorational things Hemant had gifted me, a few more things that I had shopped from Jodhpur where I had traveled only recently.. I showed her all. My place is a mini- museum; both because of the range of my collection and the origin of those.

Sanjay recognized that center table.

It dates back to even before my birth. I had kind of restored it putting in new sheets of ply and mica and re- defining its look by sticking those mirror pieces. My mom loved that table. I used to chip off the upper portion when young. I just loved to scrape the upper chipping despite all the scoldings.

She has gifted me a beautiful blue and grey checks frilly skirt and one yellow and black dress. A cushion cover said “England” in red and blue! How did she know I was craving for liquor chocolates? Sigh- I call her my best friend for many reasons. Some change of a 500 rupee note was exchanged. Her kids were kept busy watching Cartoon Network (yet again). Ruby had un- necessarily scared me that I pack my show- pieces during her visit to my place lest they are hit and damaged. Her kids only reminded me of how I used to be at their age. How so well behaved they were. Not even once it had occurred to me that there were not one, but two kids at my place. Her elder daughter was born exactly after a month of my wedding day. Not only Ruby, but I am indebted to her daughter too for doing everything that both mother daughter duo has done for me. She had left my place at 11 in the night.

I had wanted to see her again before she boarded her plane. I had traveled to Rohini yesterday. We had talked, had gone out to the market, enjoyed Gol- Gappa (deep fried puffed savory served with a spicy beverage and boiled potato filling), clicked pics and had come back holding my tears back.

I had wanted to wear that lovely skirt that she gifted me, could not- I had washed it only the day before.

I had been texting her all sentimental messages since then, but I didn’t call her. What if she didn’t answer, she may be busy packing her stuff. She anyways has her sisters and family to feel sad about while leaving. Like she did the last time, she had called up this noon too- just before boarding the flight! I couldn’t take control anymore.

I cried in tears.

Yet another Love You text was sent- she replied- “Miss you take care of yourself” Not knowing of anything else, I had cried squatting on the washroom floor. I had called her back then- she wanted me to be strong and not crying. I had cried that other night too after she had left.

She is only my friend. So what if she has proved this friendship better than any relationship that I have witnessed so far?

She isn’t my sister. Really; she has been the perfect sibling one could have!

She isn’t related to me. Excepting that I have lived all possible blood relations in her.

The airport happens to be near my house. Everytime a plane roars its take off; it seems to be teasing me. I have tried all possible distractions- the sadness just doesn’t seem to leave me. It’s been over 18 years of knowing her; I have failed to understand why she has whatever she has done for me. I would have lost myself to some awfully ugly mishap; I almost had- if she had not pulled me out of that muddle.

Years back we had placed our plates on that same table when she had come to my place. With an empty look, I am staring at my displayed articles. Sanjay had taken a close look of each one of those. He had checked all the kitchen cabinets to see how they were arranged. I had shown Ruby the cup- board where my handi- craft raw materials sit. She had only missed out on seeing my pink box- where I have just arranged my make- up and stuff a few days back.

You see now? I am still trying. Every time I try to think of something else, I fail miserably bursting into warm tears.

Mom had passed away when I was 17. I was 14 when had met Ruby. I am 33 now. The one and only and the longest ever relationship that I have ever lived with anyone is she.

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This show is over..

Eight years back I was married on this day.

While Hemant had gifted me Ray of Light by Madonna in courting days; he had quite rudely taken that cassette back while pushing me out of my marital home- to hurt me. But that’s how he is.

He had taken my marital status away knowing well how emotionally I was attached to it!

Eventually I walked out of my wedlock in December- 2007. It wasn’t simple- for me, it was about leaving my only home and one and only relationship that I had acquired after losing my parents- one by one and my relatives too. Actually my relatives were more like vultures; sitting and staring, waiting to pounce on my vulnerable state of being. It had left them all sour mouthed when I had shooed them away even before they knew that i had arrived where they had wanted to see me.

Hemant had taken away my gifts to hurt me, to award me with a sense of loss.

That is what he had conveyed to me in as many words when I had asked about the missing plastic box. He had known well that I have been listening to Madonna since childhood. That is precisely why he had gifted me that cassette. I listened to Madonna and MJ when they were mocked upon because of their different than others lifestyles. This was in 1980s in India. They still remain to be my favorite singers, other than Celine Dion.

While listening to one of the songs (Frozen), I was pushed to post that particular one.

I had cried inconsolably while doing so. It had taken nights of sleepless tossing when I had finally decided to write all about my wedlock mishap. That one particular song had as if provided me all the courage that I had needed to type my story out there. I had already decided that I would but just needed a push to do so.

I had gifted him this collection- Have I told you lately by Sony that was released in 2002. It had this one particular song by Madonna- Take a bow.

So while Hemant had tied me to him (emotionally) by presenting Ray of Light and then trying to hurt me by taking it back, I too have a song by Madonna to conclude the episode. In fact, it was long over- just needed to draw the curtain.

Oh yes, I have retained the CD with me. He had never accepted that gift and it laid in my stuff for years before I took it out a month back.

“Take a bow” says it all..

Related post:

• Ray of Light liberates me.. Finally

 

Woof.. that’s me..!

I know it’s very funny.

I had stepped out of my house to buy some eggs from the grocery shop I regularly visit in summers. In winters, I buy my veggies from the local market (cheap n best). I had wanted to take a de- tour my ride to J- block where I had stayed initially, when had shifted to Palam Vihar.

I didn’t spot any peacock but bought some peanuts.

A local cartwheeler sold some. While I was sat and my oldie buying the nuts for me, I happen to spot a street canine busy pulling a polythene from the nearby dried out (not-in-use) drain channel. Something wicked just struck me. I rolled the car window down and woofed..

The poor animal left that plastic and came next to the car window. It stayed stood for about half a minute staring at me. I had woofed at it- remember? Not knowing of anything, it had disappeared within seconds tucking its tail behind its hind legs!!

I had laughed off my evil laughter!! I had successfully pulled off a prank on a canine. I told you its funny..

Harmless and fun to do!

hehehehe

 

Some more gifts for me

Previous and for reference n continuity- My 1st lone Train Travel- III

I received yet another gift..

This uncle I had met while traveling in the train, from Jodhpur to Jaipur in Rajasthan, remember..? The one who I had baggaged along with me? It was him who had made that train travel so memorable.. Yes him.

I received a beautiful small cushion like white cloth pack this afternoon. It was soft and the contents inside moved. It felt there was a paper also inside. After a lot of time I mustered up the courage to cut open that bag with scissors and viola! a white cardigan sweater dropped resting on my palm.

Instead of saying I had to travel, I have been saying I enjoyed my travel. Perhaps, this is one of the unique ways of this universe to pay me in terms of rewards. How beautiful could it get..?

Today a pigeon fairy too had visited me- bestowing her blessings for the New Year on me!

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Early morning wake up call

The day I had left for my Rajasthan trip (on 21st December, 2010), they had disappeared.

My maid informed me upon my return on 27th, that they have been perpetually missing. They had shifted along with their “bag n baggages” (read: eggs, twigs and their highly annoying ghoonrh- ghoonrh sound that they make through out the day!)

No sooner I had stepped inside my home, the noisy one was back hopping around the veranda. It didn’t make any sound till it was sure I was back. In the entire flock of maybe over 200 odd pigeons, this is the only one that is a chatter- box.

I am back to my daily routine. It’s been a pleasant (i.e., highly annoying) 10 days that they have been waking me up in the morning- again! DAMN..

The pigeon pair is back.

No matter how many objects I throw on the window to shoo them away, they come back with the precision of the snooze function of an alarm clock. The two of those are now sat “peacefully” in the computer room veranda. They have declared those nests I had woven for them theirs. That’s where they had laid their 1st egg!

Parrots squawking at one side and these winged fairies roaming around at the other.. Perhaps they also feel at home with me around..

The pigeon images are current dated.

Check out how close is my bed to the window.

I had barely finished posting this, when they had started to coochie- coo too! The noisy one which is supposedly the male, sits low while the other one keeps pecking him all over his head. Infact a few of his head feathers are always stood up because of pecks.. lolss. After cats, it’s them those always keep cuddling or cleaning! This pair, either making sound or pecking at one other’s head. Oh they take turns to peck each other.

Previous pigeon pair images

The New Awakened Me

I have become child- like.

Exactly how I was in my teens. I just didn’t realize when I had; unless I had become a recluse. Anytime I sit and think about that “when”, I get to read my life book backwards. It just doesn’t stop at anyone instance or time. It keeps moving like a fire- dragon ancience. The deeper I go, the deeper I get pulled. I only got to know of my having changed to a completely bound- within woman, when I changed back to self!

I have undergone a huge change after I started to write last year- end of March to be precise. Ever since, I have had my share of realizations hitting me faster than before.

I have opened up as how a young kid is.

I am once again ready to research, experiment and explore. I no longer feel depressed. The very reasons that had made me sulk have given birth to a New Me. My solitude and solidarity turned out to be more than any blessing in disguise. It was as if a box full of a whole new universe was waiting for me to discover!

A lot of grudges have left me.

Instead, loads of self- contentment has filled me in. I have made efforts locating all my contacts yet again. It didn’t matter anymore that they had affected my state of being at one time. With the newer realizations giving me fresh perspective of the past matters (which still has their massive branches swaying in my present), I am now thankful to all of them. How else would I have become what I am today?

Writing creates effect of magic like tricks.

Posting my past experiences and present day “developments” in my Blog has definitely given me a language to communicate, express and speak with every one and all; without really getting involved with the person on a very personal level per se. Writing them all has made me realize a lot of things that I could not decipher at the time of undergoing those. My brooding combined with blogging has definitely given me a greater understanding of things.

I feel I am becoming invincible.

I have realized that I have mastered the art of being indifferent. Nothing moves me. I feel liberated. I don’t need reasons (anymore) to celebrate. I have learnt to stay consumed in my own state of super- bliss. Sadness doesn’t affect me any longer.

Awakening has struck me.

They all thought I’ll perish.. here I am- I have flourished!

Beautiful beginning of 2011

Only yesterday I had dreamt of that. It is still the beginning of this year. The dream occurred at a time, where it spelled more importance.

This year has begun very beautifully.

8^th January, 2011- 12.10am

I had sent a text at midninght wishing Rajshree for her birthday. A fat reply had sat in return. She was to come to Delhi on 11^th, she could meet me. The last time she had planned to, it hadn’t worked out! That office trip had never happened. This time it did.

We met.

11^th January, 2011.

It didn’t seem that we met after 3 years. Talks, gossips and discussing my life story were the highlights of the session. She is one of the most cheery ones of my friends. After concluding her office work, she had landed at my place at 9pm. I had jolted her at 12, we needed to eat and sleep. Food with some more chats had happened. Doing the dishes, some more chats had happened! I was to prepare breakfast the following morning at 7.30am. That was before my maid comes, so I had cleaned the kitchen table before sleeping.

Some more chats.

We must have hit the bed at 1.30.

Some more talks followed.

The first thing she wanted was to look around my house.

She liked my place. She had eagerly craned her neck to see where I sit and blog. Really now- all my friends do this. This computer work station is becoming the most important part of my Life- it seems! There’s no doubt that it is already- but now, it is gaining popularity too.. Perhaps, I need to put a ticket window on the entrance of this room.

The Computer Work Station where Olivia sits and writes..!!

She still thinks that I am sweet. That is very sweet of her indeed. She had praised me no end. I had gained all my lost inches back- swelling up in pride. Isn’t she generous? She didn’t sit on my bed till she washed her feet- I had a tough time making her sit on the Living Room Box bed with a quilt. That’s how it is with Bengalese. Exactly that’s how it was at my home too (i.e., till my mom was alive).

I received the Compliment of the Year soon-

I still happen to be the same one..

Translation- I am still as talkative, witty, chirpy and cheerful.

It simply means that I have successfully gone back to how I used to be. Rajshree happens to be one of the few ones who had witnessed my being pressed under that phase. She is one of the very few who hasn’t judged me for how I am. Just one of the reasons why we are close friends.. She happens to be my team member when I worked with Hutch- Vodaphone in Okhla. We were friends back then too. For only a short period I had lost touch when she had left our office. I had thought perhaps she had moved on!

Crap..

Snooze..

Chat..

Snooze.. This time she dozed off. May be at 3.30 or even later.

I had joined Vodaphone in January 2001. We have completed 10 very nice years of knowing each others as friends. I along with yet another colleague had barged at her place, years back on her birthday. Although the episode has blurred in remembering, we had loads of fun at her home with her and Masima (her mom). She is one helluva woman! Warm hearted, generous, beautiful and many years ahead of her times. I had fun talking to her; the age and generation difference just didn’t seem to exist.

7am in the morning

Alarm..

Snooze..

Yet again..

Till 7.30.

I finally showed my devil self and threatened her to pull away the quilt. She was compelled to leave the bed. She had to leave soon to attend some concert and seminar thing- office work. The last thing I wanted was that she rushes out without her breakfast. Well, we were keener on talking than eating! She had left my place at 8.45am. We had chatted breathlessly till then. She had polished her breakfast plate alright, but had forgotten to take the orange juice tetra. For days together I had kept that pack sitting in my kitchen in her remembrance.

How emotional and foolish of me.. She often said so. Grin..!!

Work was fun with her in the same team and same shift. Now, life is good with her being my friend.