Just reached home all chocked up with emotions.
The memories of how it was, had kept coming back to me. It was difficult for me to rationalize what hurt more - then or today? I guess, you would know the answer to it by the end of it. I feel I am hit by one of the thunders my vehicle had sped through to reach you. Although very different than that one; yet, the whole thing had kept reminding me of how I had ran (quite literally) to meet someone years back. Not mentioning anything beyond that since it’s not about him this time.
I feel I now know why things you did or say were so typically similar to what had happened over 2 decades ago. I had missed the point that it was about time to look forward and burn those memories down. I will; or maybe, already have. A few beautiful memories those were attached to someone not so nice, you made me forget like those were never made. Now when I try to think of those, there’s no sense of nostalgia in my thoughts anymore! If at all, I get fast forwarded to present time where you just created some new chapters for me. Letting me wear your watch, the ball point; wait, how did you know it was his fave color once upon a time? It is one of mine now besides mauve! That’s how I accept people, right into my lifestyle; deeply embedded.
You did it all.
The one thing that had made me go brood over was when you said the very things I did to him; while quite begging him to stay with me in the process. The other day when you had touched after bending, threatening me to “return”, you had left me stoned. I know it was more out of naughty humor, what I love the most about you; it had taken me back to a time I haven’t shared about with anyone yet! I had touched him one last time that being the only time ever. When you did the same very thing, once and for all, my feelings for him that I had stored in me for the last over 20 years had come crashing down. Quite unknowingly you had barged inside my sphere and claimed a place I had kept locked up for all this while. Your naughty acts had quite gelled with that of mine, kind of threatening my façade of composure or maybe my mastery over those (acts of mischief).
It’s in your mind too.
Your thoughts about a few things are exactly how I feel for those too; about adopting kids who lost their parents and how to go about life after making it big. Whatever you said the other day was exactly how I say- word by word- In verbatim! You wanting to practice instead of preaching alone said it all.
Uncanny is the word.
Where do I even begin? The meaning of your name.. Why, I am not surprised. I would’ve been damned if it meant something else! Wait a sec, your birthday falls exactly on the date I mused my beau to be celebrating his birthday on. Go ahead; dismiss it as a silly one. But I could do with yet another set of pincers actually.. clank! Ouchhh.. easy!! Your thoughtfulness of carrying extra portion for me- without my telling you to, you are way too good to be left. So you are caring, observant and definitely not forgetful. Hope you remember our dates for all times to come. What I am saying is, you tip toed into my space and bang opened me up to how I used to be- completely undeterred.
It’s only a matter of time!
That the transition is now giving way to a different beginning is one another thing. My having being able to step out of my “captivity” (read: ridiculous arrangement) has definitely done good to my confidence. Then again, it wouldn’t have been half as easy without you. You happened exactly at the time I needed this. Your acts of consideration has opened me up like a blossom. It was but natural to fall for you. The mutual admiration or space we try to offer is how I have been till now; which has been brutally abused. I am stuck up in some arrangement but that’s all it is to it now. I anyways need to come out of that, this was all the last transition phase was about.
For once, I did whatever I did for self in a very long time. While travelling back to home, I had barely been able to relax. My walkman headphones sat there for no good reason. After many years, I cried for something of my own; or may I say, someone? Till now, it was out of helplessness. If this evening had not happened, I would have never realized that I am back on taking decisions of my own! And, that it’s no more a confusion of, “how to say it all and make him understand!” stuff. Then again, I have not come across anyone this understanding. In a long time this evening, I had not felt helpless anymore. Although all the possible roadblocks are quite showing; I feel, together, we can do it. It would be safe to say; I feel more in control when with you. It seems you would fly me along and well.
You still want a reason to why I feel for you?
The dreams and aspirations you have is quite same as that of mine. I’ve been chomped upon my roots way too many times; that’s precisely why I am going a bit easy this time. Had I been how I used to be, I would have ended up starting my life from scratch one again, turning even more bitter. The passion, expertise, forte- you know how well we complement each other. It was you who made me see it actually. I have that someone in you, who is wanting to take me exactly how I want someone to! What more could I ask for?
The conclusion is not what I am seeking- but the travel!
I guess that is why I am leading my life in phases, none of the setbacks ever as being the concluding chapter. Why do we have ellipses then? Series, sequels, remakes..? To stop and get stagnated is not my way of life. Look at life, in itself, it keeps going on! When you talked about your “business proposal”, that is exactly what I heard- a life moving on in a definite motion instead of concluding it with or without a label. A few months or a few years, is a small period when we are talking of our life- time. We have bigger issues to deal with! And how are you supposed to know anyway if you don’t give it a try or believe in yourself? I know you do- that is where I am surprised. How could someone like you be not seeing it? Like I said, more than the presence, it’s the assurance that would keep it going. Once into it, wouldn’t you also be holding onto the same? So, why “acting” considerate towards me?
There was a certain amount of relief in crying today. For about half, I had sat dead on my bed hugging myself. My body down my neck had gone wet by the time I had realized I need to stop. It rained this evening to maybe keep my tears hidden or was it crying along with me? I had barely finished writing it when you sent me that text saying exactly how I say to my blog friends!
For now, you just did it!
I had raced up to save a very beautiful part of my life. I have spent a major part of it already musing with memories alone; here is the opportunity where I can just live the way I have been secretly wishing for! I hate the weather here- don’t you know that? C’mon now, I just said I have a selfish reason.. okay, I can’t stand canines and dust and am a cleanliness freak and cynical too (could I divert your attention?) btw, I wore the same fragrance that I had back then.. coincidence? again? don’t think so!
Alright, I am sentimental
YOU are the reason sweetheart! You replied without I asking for it. I was so hesitant talking about it, probably would have never ever made a mention! I mean how many times will you make me fall for you now? Let’s just say- you gave me enough reasons. Please do let me know if you still need any assurances (promises). If you haven’t realized yet, I just declared my love for you. Even if you don’t, I will always do! If it isn’t apparent, I have wiped off my mirror squeaky clean, do I see your reflection there now?
P.S. The chauffeur was spared.