Previous- Ray of Light Liberates Me.. Finally
While I sat wondering- what to write next and how to take this new Blog Topic forward, I read this comment from one of my avid readers..
“I am on my way to release my self of every such tangible sense of happiness”. I liked the line.One should not depend on all this.
Well you got married ?You never mentioned in any of ur blogs till date and then breakoff as well. Is is recently happened?
You wrote tricked out of home after 3 years of torture.. I was not clear over one thing when you hav seen all definitions of torture during your early days then how come you can go in another torture thing for another 3 years. Shall i consider this as u r used to being tortured? I am sorry its bit personal but i got carried away by this story so i jst asked?
A very obvious question- a woman who has no place to go to would definitely try to give the current situation or arrangement her best shot before moving on..
It’s not that one fine day you simply do what you want to..
I had to weigh my pros and cons and everything else to start my life afresh; isn’t it enough that I have been able to put this very thing across on a blog- something that I have never talked about to anyone? You can only evaluate a thing from a distance and not while into it because that’s when you only react and try to make yourself stable.
No I am not used to being tortured or else. I did whatever best I could in the eventuality of the fact that I had no one to fall back upon.
I believe you stay here in India, tell me even in capital city, how many of them would not ask any question while signing a Rent Deed with a Single Woman without any MALE NAME attached to her.
My Dear, “saying no”; and then “acting upon it i.e., staying firm” are two very different mindsets.
We all know the definitions, just how many of us really imitate the theoretical possibilities in real life?
I have had a time when I was practically fighting against my in- laws and their relatives and extended families all by myself- please let me know- How many of them have been successful in the terms of being respected after this fact broke open to the Society? Wren’t they driven out or hushed?
I had to first look for another jumping base before I decide to leave this one.
I did that after 4 years and I am glad that I did that WITHOUT ANYONES HELP AND COMPROMISE.
If after so much time, reading just a portion of what had happened back then- made you think what you have mentioned here- How would you have reacted then if you had met someone like me? Being judgemental is very easy, to understand and support is just the opposite..
“Marriage” is not my identity, was never even when I was in the arrangement.
While I understand you also have a freedom of expression and I respect that, my later blogs would give you a little more peek on what was going on then..
As of now, for me to have written what I have is more than I could at this time- remember, I never made a mention of this to anyone?
I would rather include the above content in my next blog.
I couldn’t include much in Ray of Light.. or the essence would have been killed..
Since I want to reply to all Readers’ questions in their mind, I have included it here in my Blog. Let my try to reply word for word and line by line:
At the outset, I thank you for commenting because then, I know someone read it 🙂
The comment also lets me know the reader’s mind and views. I make use of your comment in this manner: I then try to write in a manner that portrays me the best; and at the same time, in the language and manner best understood by readers. I mean its a two way communication for me- instead of just I singing alone (that I am in a way) without understanding your grasp.
When I say I am on my way to release myself “of every tangible happiness”; do you also realize that I am kind of renouncing this world? We are all humans, and tend to get attached to materialistic objects and derive silly joys over possessing it.. I still do; very much- want to come over it as much as I can. This is how we all are, dependent on things and relations; otherwise how do you wish to lead your life without socializing? Like me, only through Facebook or Blogging..? Blogging has been a different ball game all together. Through My Writes, I wish to make up for all “my never could have relationships”. Here I have no one to talk to, and here I am writing it all across for everyone to read about me- it does give me a sadistic high. Not only that; I also strongly feel- that if I could do it, so can every girl and every woman.
I had married in 2003 January, thinking that that would be the end of being all by myself; little realizing that it would make me a loner so much so, that the only escape for me would be to run away from it. I had never wanted to get into this arrangement since childhood, but then, as my Destiny wanted it in this manner to serve all humanly karmas; I made a terrible goof- up by doing what every girl at this age fantasizes for- a family, a husband and a companion. Wasn’t I being open minded in having agreed to get married even after savoring such sour relationships? Do you think I should have denied myself of all worldly and humanly attachments on the face of it, without even giving it a try? Isn’t that called being as stubborn, pessimist and constricted?
How easy is it to go roaring and declaring about- that I have a broken marriage in my kitty? And that, that it didn’t even last for a few days for a start? I mean, why at all it is important to declare my having or not married in the first 5 posts? Doesn’t it feel better that I have given it so much of a backseat? Infact, I am surprised to have included even in my first 100 posts; it didn’t deserve this place. To think of someone even with hatred is hurting, and in doing so, I feel I am wasting my time remising of “better to have lost” things. You know, it doesn’t hold wee bit of an importance to me.. Yes, I don’t talk about it at all- and why should I? I am an individual 1st, born out of my parents. And then, what I make of myself or others make of me- though the latter would not be able to score on me for a significant period. I have a pending task of taking my biological X- chromosome donor (read “father”) to Court still hovering on my conscience. I have to settle that before I venture into the any other arena. Yet, if I could muster up courage to include this stance so early; I feel I have actually overcome the pain that so it is.
I still wish to ask- how many women are really this strong at this age? Don’t forget about my social standing which is completely negative except for a few good friends- again busy with their own life cycles. They have and had done whatever they could; when they could. I married in January- 2003, was tricked out of the house in April- 2006, and then I walked out of it in December- 2007. I had filed for a Divorce and had withdrawn it too on my own within a month. I had barely been able to stop myself from crying in the Court while doing so. It suddenly dawned upon me that I was about to cipher the only lame social support; if need be- just incase.
I came back home with a very heavy heart cause it was against my basic nature to submit myself to something that is so not acceptable to me. What options did I have then? I had to keep him as a bystander; so, I could compel on him socially- if need be.
I can assure you of the fact that it’s pretty humiliating fighting your own Divorce case, all by yourself in the Indian Courts. The audience sits pouncing every piece of respect off a woman speaking for herself. I do deserve some applause here, to have yet not broken after all that I have gone through. When I say that I am in the process of detaching myself, I also mean that even if I get into any relationship, it would be solely for the heck of it and that I won’t be EMOTIONALLY dependent on anyone now. How does it sound- selfish and rude? Yes, I am- with PRIDE.
I have posted keeping my fear of getting judged aside. I want all to know what had happened- and not how nice I had been and yet this.. Or now, what do I do, where I should go… types. My trying to share my Biopic details is to balance my void. If I had anyone around- be it friend or boyfriend, do you think I would have been sharing such personal details; unless I had lead my life and had nothing else to do other than compiling My Autobiography?
Infact, I am really liberating- what had happened to me doesn’t ache anymore: neither does it to think of, nor to talk about it; and hence this Post here on WordPress. Try and gage; how much un- affected I may have become to talk about it here- with all the passion that is so required to make it worth a read, if not two?
Note: Please keep the comments going.