I live in a country where a Single Woman is equivalent to “available for all” and an Independent Woman is a shelled wh*re. And one like me- Single and Independent staying on my own; well, the less I speak- the better it would be..
While most of the Indian Readers may be bonded within their families, I could not- for the reasons beyond my control. It just so happened that I got to live (and survive) on my own; in my own way. For not so extremists, my situation may seem very strange; and that it is. It’s no big deal to be on your own; but to struggle to sustain, when parents may also be alive- is what is so typical and the least assuring of all. I am trying to put one by one, all of those instances and experiences across; need hoards of courage to do so, and hence, it’s taking time. Revisiting the past which is not so beautiful is like made to stand against a black board without a chalk- for hours, or however long it takes to beat the keys to produce a post. You know what to write but unable to. The essence keeps losing for want of words; leave alone correct.
One needs to be very used to- to fumble around the things- in dark at the time of power cuts without really toppling over the things and breaking another to find out a candle; I am. Since I had done up my place soon after shifting in October 2009, I have placed candle stands at various points and as a part of interiors. Needless to say, that the match box sits around in all the 4 rooms, 1 kitchen and two adjoining washrooms. The living room and guest room has a common washroom that my maid utilizes for cleaning and her own use. I don’t let her enter the kitchen without a wash after sweeping and swabbing. I don’t know what all faces you may be making at reading this- but this is exactly how I am. Cleanliness freak- I told you I am one.
People staying with their families- parental or their own, may be assuming that it’s wonderful; whereas the ones who don’t, may be able to understand what I am about to refer to. My having to work out the things at an age of minority and at the time when this world was not as open as it is today; I have taken them all in my stride. So far on my (lone) journey that Life is, I have been able to collect a few pebbles- friends and other people worth knowing. I have shared some or the other part of my life stance with them, at some or the other point, knowingly or even otherwise. I am glad; I have been able to put all of them together (in my Facebook and Orkut profile). Still a few of the gemstones are missing- hope to be able to find them soon enough before I stop breathing. I need to express my gratitude towards them.
To be able to do, whatever you wish to at any given point of time is freedom of act; but to have to pull along- all the tasks, on your own, is what becomes mundane. You can go out for shopping any day; but need to be prepared to go all by yourself, and pick up stuff without any second opinion. You may not be able to show them to anyone when you come home, and pick up any appreciation for and or smile at their faces that they may have expressed while looking at your b ought items.. The transition itself stabs me- a crowd full of market for hours, maddening traffic and zap, I open the house lock and there’s no one in the house to even greet me. Well, the only typicality is that I have become very used to it now. Jokes apart, I have had so much of Company that I enjoy every bit of being alone now; infact, the ring of the doorbell is also an intrusion for me. Sundays, I switch off every damn mode of communication- that’s right- a doorbell is one obnoxious mode of communication- often thwarted on your face unwarned.
Cooking meals is yet another task- for most of the loners. They try and work it out with Maggi noodles; I too did, very long back. My friends- then, had never approved of it- my 2-minutes noodles alibi was- that I liked it too much then, and not for an escape from cooking a bit of myself over the flame. I am fond of cooking on the contrary, only that I have to eat sitting all by myself. No matter how well the pasta may have turned out, I would have to appreciate it in my mind while eating it. So what if I make awesome stuffed paranthas (stuffed Indian pancake); atleast few of my friends think so, I get to eat them praising myself silently.
Often, I am taken for granted- what I mean is this: Since I stay alone, my friends expect me to go running anytime they would call me. I have no other obligation- remember? I have gotten rid of them.. they didn’t care about the friendship and didn’t ever initiate to meet up- when I requested them to; but friends they were. Not anymore, the day I stopped calling up, they did too. There’s yet another segment in this. My friends are so occupied with their own lifestyle, that they never find time to meet up; not when I would want to. But am expected to and do when they want to. Alright, with pleasure, for as long as I can, I will. I have a very few of them, who take me for what I am without wanting me to change- atleast that’s what they make me believe when I see them; I don’t wish to fudge with that data by offending them. They have been a great associate when I was in my bottom brink, and I keep that in my mind at all times.
Seriously now, I am at my best when- all by ownself. I am munching green cucumbers- a plateful of it. Since my boss is out of town, I am making the most of it. Even though I work @ home, I am left with no time for even my square meals on workdays (read: when he is in Gurgaon)- sigh..!!
- I kind of freak out when it storms and thunders in the middle of the night- I do.
- I can’t watch and don’t the horror movies.
- I have not been courageous enough to go out alone for a movie yet. I would, soon, someday- and mark complete liberation; little short of time right now, have a lot sitting on my mind.
Birthdays are the scariest days of all i.e., were till a few years back. I would go to Sampada’s place to celebrate my day; she stays in UK now. I have made perfect peace with it, I get a Butterscotch cake from Wenger’s, some Chicken Wings from KFC and sing myself the birthday song real loud and enjoy the day. I wish myself right at 12 midnight. I do the same in New Years too.. There was this time when I used to worry sick with the thought that what after when both of her younger sisters get married- who would I go to? Or call, or talk to? I am hesitant in calling up friends- very much. I don’t want anyone to think- that I may be disturbing them, since; I have nothing wiser to do at my end (that’s exactly why they want me to go running when they call me). It was only her that I used to be so pally with; she herself had been so worldly wise. She would send me upstairs and brave all the scolding all by herself on nights when we used to be pretty late taking a walk around Rohini. She would say that since I was a guest at her home, and was- her friend, it’s she who was responsible for anything not correct, if anyone was.
I have done some of the bizarrest things when alone and depressed. Some of the best sketches, some very off- beat posts and greatest (self attested) ponderings have happened then. There’s no better state than to enjoy Vodka sitting alone. The other day I finished the Wine that I have been storing to celebrate with someone on a New Year. I called up Ruby in a real high state. I was high not because of the drink but because of the fact that I had broken up yet another pattern of being dependent or wanting to be so. I have been able to stir a few good cocktails for different moods. And, I don’t get drunk..!! I am left in all my senses- no matter what; and how boring!
I told you, I don’t go so high.. that’s right I had left the post at that (power cut) and now concluding after 3 drinks of vodka and soda. I just wanted to celebrate out of the blue.
One another thing, however nice and adventurous it may seem (or actually the lack of it), I have never cheated on myself.. what?? I mean; I have lived in a way any one would with their parents, for all this while. No late nights, no scandalous affairs, infact a huge lack of it (read: another post). Very moral conscious- to the point, that I have shunned all men who just wanted to sleep with me. Now don’t make faces- men do want to sleep with the 1st available woman- don’t they? There’s nothing wrong in it, except for the fact that they all are married, some blissfully- and so, want no emotional hook- ups; isn’t this mechanical now?. Not that I am not good looking :), but the fact remains, that that’s not what I want.
I fell ill sometime back. I had to manage all by myself- its tough; believe you me. The word “independence” doesn’t confine to or define the financial status alone; it goes much beyond.. One’s ability to take things in one’s stride, take decisions in split second- yet not being impulsive and to be able to be very tough, is what it is all about. I don’t go to my friends’ weddings- I personally feel that people like me should stay away from all such celebrations- who knows when I would feel envious and which thought of mine may hurt them without their being aware of it? Thoughts generate an energy field to create what’s in your mind (They say Thoughts do create vibrations in the Universe to achieve the Level of your Energies). So, which part of my mind may create thoughts- that may result into a disastrous outcome and to be unable to register it, unless already affected; cannot be pre- calculated. It’s better to be a little distant, I mean it. I have understood that I am a very different woman- one whose thoughts vibrate at a very different level; to maintain my own dignity and mental sanity, it’s better to be a little secluded. Trust you me, that’s exactly how even the Society thinks of women like me- they do. They have such redundant and obnoxious queries which if not answered and upto their liking, would cause havoc. You would get outcasted the 1st thing. Isn’t the minority – majority rule known to you?
Minority is always looked down upon as they are being considered as incorrect by the Majority. Nevermind; I don’t care.
I care about myself; I care for every small bit that makes me happy. Be it Vodka 😀 or watching cartoons. Or it could be as mundane as sitting and musing; better known as brooding. No one’s around to bother with why I may be sitting alone or thinking what I may be of. I am not answerable to anyone; but that way, I have to be even more responsible and act very grown- up. Before doing any thing, I think of it from every angle and corner, evaluating every possible consequence. One skip, and I would be taking the repercussion; I would anyways have to take it for my choice of act- if that doesn’t work out in the manner that is least conducive. I am unable to run to whoever and hid my face crying. Infact, I don’t am left with any time then to brood and retrospect, instead I sit and chart further course of action to not only take preventive steps against anymore damages, but also, to cover up whatever losses I may have suffered. And also, act upon quickly what I had primarily wanted to and now could not and hence Plan B or C or whichever. No point even asking for any help- what if I am unable to- when they would need some- because of my own limitations? I need to safeguard my own interests before I jump in for other social obligations or affairs.
Sounds complicated? Yes, it is. I have to be so mechanical and calculative about each little thing so much that– I am constantly watching over my ownself. In a way, I have been unable to be a child-like innocent or even teen like careless. But that’s fine. Atleast, I speak about myself without any embarrassment. Even about the things that didn’t work out; that apparently were made to work out in a better manner, a little while later. I know what I did i.e., when I did, and hence am responsible and accountable for every little thing or major goof- ups as the case may be. Needless to mention; I learnt of the worldly things at a very young age, all by myself- through my own experiences. I had and to be- grown up before my age.
No one makes a cuppa for me when I want to keep lazing for a little longer. Neither anyone cooks a meal for me when I am sick. I get a certain high doing everything on my own. This may be one of the reasons why I don’t want a man around; it would keep clashing. Male ego and my super un- dependence!!
To be able to fulfil my karmas, I need to be completely detached; good thing, that I have no relationships with anyone except for a very few friends. I don’t wish to enter into a chain of unending desires or un-fulfillment of those. More the number of family members, the vicious it gets.
The lesser the number of people the fewer may be the mis- opportunities to get hurt (by them). The more the friends, the larger would be their whims. Why at all subject myself to any possible hurt or even feel and get cheated? Evaluating all of the things, all together, on the same plane, while in it; I conclude that- My Solitude is my Blessing.