It’s Hard to Shake Hands with Clenched Fists

That’s the Grafitti in today’s TOI (The Times of India newspaper).

It would be good to have no “friends” instead of 1460 connections on FB profile.

The one thing I am not good at- is taking rejections well. I just can’t take one in any manner. Even the slightest form of avoidance causes so much flutter in my mind that I keep thinking about it for days on end. It not only affects my thinking pattern, but also my sleeping pattern. While a simple statement like “let’s meet up” may have been said in the most casual manner; I for one, take it practically for reality. I mean isn’t that how it is supposed to be? I am referring to real life- live friends.

I keep pondering over that what brought them to become so indifferent all of a sudden, infact within hours? They won’t care about the fact that I may be going sleepless over their Avoidance or Ignorance thereafter. Then why the hell, am I going rotten nuts thinking about them and their behavior?? No, they are not my ex- boyfriends; and the future possibilities also seem bleak in the wake of my present thoughts about them. They are my ex- colleagues with whom I shared a little more than a professional relationship, or so I foolishly thought of. Infact, we worked together in the same office twice, traveled in the same cab, stayed in the same area. I felt somewhat connected because we kept meeting at different intervals and at different ages. What an emotional psyche I am- spending my whole thinking ability on someone who doesn’t even care, not even an iota of it.

Well, then let me scrap off all my so called “friends”. But then, that won’t be right. What did all of them do to be treated alike; because of someone else’s carelessness? What then- avoid all of them, keep to myself- become a recluse that anyways I so am? Atleast, that will save me of the bitter experience- once and for all times to come. Who knows just how many of them are rowing sitting in the same boat? Why even bother finding out and subject myself to 50 other rejections, 50 times over the same hurt and pain; even worse, 7 days each of brooding about those 50 times finding out about their ugly behavior? Haven’t they grown up yet? Don’t they mean- what they say?

  • Oh, I may be asking for a tad too much.
  • Maybe, I need to change my serious commitment attitude and take things really very lightly.
  • Maybe, I am just a misfit.
  • Maybe, they are better left alone.

But to arrive at that conclusion, I have to transition through this whole brooding. Oh yes, I damn well mean friends, when I say one to be. I mean, friends are different then FB or Orkut connects. They so claim to be your support, and assure you of providing some when you need and Blah..

Either, I change my attitude; or, get adapted to such callous treatment. Now, if changing me would have been an option, I would not have been moving my fingers on the keyboard like crazy, to beat up this post. I would then not be me- so changing me is not happening, till I am in my right senses. As far as adaptation is concerned, that would mean that I too become like one and join the clan. Then, the whole purpose of this post would be lost.. And then again, that would also be like changing my self, so again, that’s not happening.

What the heck- is their no way to counter such attacks? Do I have to renounce this world, so early? I just rediscovered myself. I want to live here for some more time with an open mind. And, enjoy life without subjecting myself to any more conditions. Then again, if I am bothering myself over someone’s careless and getting so affected by someone’s indifference, it means I am advocating to such intangible emotions- still. So, I need to be detached after all? Sigh!!

May be the middle way is, the one that I have been following so far- I keep out. Let “these friends” keep calling me and wanting to meet. I would also then talk of some business jargon like Sales Target, Fore- casting, Client Meeting, Proposal Discussion, Year Closing, Annual Report- see the possible alibis are listless; if nothing else comes up in mind, then what better than the usual Business Meeting; to avoid answering their calls. Oh, will they call?

I need to change my attitude and need to go as much Callous, Careless and practically Rude; become somewhat like stainless steel. Smooth and shiny and yet razor sharp.. Let me become an extremist, and judge all of them in either Black or White; and brand them in separate categories. Let me leave no room for the Grey shade. Seems; I have taken it a little too seriously. Really can’t help- it’s one of my pet peeves. Being casual has never been my trend. Moreso, when friends are all I have. It won’t hurt me saying again that I have no relationships or attachments at any level. I am completely on my own to an extent that no one would even be aware of or miss my being once I am no more.  It would take probably weeks together- for the neighbors to even find my body lying in my house, that too when the stink would tell.

Being aware of such an inevitable veracity, I am only trying to “live” as much as possible; happily and with all my Life. I have never been a burden on my “friends”- emotional or even financial. I just know when I am not required around; and elope on my own, saving them the embarrassment of having asked me to. So, when I am following all the rules, why am I being treated like an unwanted pile- on? That’s exactly what I am being- but remember, it’s them who called me up and not me?

There’s yet another conclusion, if they could not become good friends at the earlier stances, the chances are they would never. I mean I had given up on them thinking how casual and careless they were.  I now have three different stances indicating this conclusion including this one too. I had not looked their way on the last day of their work at our office. I was too fed up with their casual approach and comments. Then why did I expect any better of them, and subject myself to such botheration- you may ask. Here’s the thing, I decided to give up on any grudge against anyone, as long as it’s mutual. Life’s too short and with time, people do evolve; so no point harbor strange feelings for anyone at all. Let the other one be aware of if I had ever loved them, or conspired against or felt cheated or whatever..

About this one: I had weefully forgotten that basic attitude of his. I would have thought over twice if I had kept those few instances in my mind. I then, won’t have expected to “ascend” our “never actually was” a friendship. Well, so much of a return for having failed to recall the past experience in time; and in order to live with an open mind.. This one was not worth it. His avoiding my calls and messages kept bothering me about what could have played in the other’s mind that made this happen. Am I so to be taken for granted? To Hell!!

Let me resurrect my “Do I care?” attitude. That’s one thing I excel in- and just too well. Anyone who doesn’t know me up close would tell you that the term “cold- bloodedness” was actually invented to describe my approach. Let me embrace it. Whoever gave them any right to hurt me and ripple my still waters?

And anyone else who thinks that I may be.. Wait a minute; you may think of whatever you may want to- Like, Do I care?

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to It’s Hard to Shake Hands with Clenched Fists

  1. Pingback: I, Me, Myself | Olivia's Life Instances..

  2. VH says:

    Your post is thought provoking.. and I recognize parts of myself in it. I perhaps have more ties than you – but I’ve decided I must simply not know how to be friends, as I have none outside of family. Good luck –

    • Olivia says:

      Thanks…
      I have all of them outside my family (a situation, forced upon; no complaints)
      What I don’t appreciate is they disappearing and re- emerging saying- where have you been..??

  3. Pingback: End of My Affair | Olivia's Life Instances..

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