Friday-18th June, 2010
I realized that it was already a weekend; a little late this time. I had become sad yesterday; and hence, the loss of being aware .
I was able to trace up Arti and Anju- my LIS class- mates yesterday evening. By that, I should have been happy; of course I was. Only, it had brought alongwith itself- some splashes of gloom.
With each passing moment, I was coming out of that elevated trams state of my school- time thoughts. I had not realized that those thoughts had actually transported and placed me firm in my 10th standard. Late evening, when I left the computer to watch Balika Vadhu and later Uttaran; it was as if the reality had dawned upon me then. I didn’t study in school now. I had passed out of LIS 15 years back. Isn’t that a long time?
So many things have happened since then- mostly ugly; yet, just the mere mention of my school- name takes me back to the era that I had not enjoyed then. It is as if the missed out emotions are now coming back to me. This is exactly how everyone feels for their school; only that I have developed this attachment a few months back. The emotion, feeling and thoughts are so consuming; as if to compensate for the lack of those for all these years.
I had completely overlooked upon the fact that I was watching the still pictures on Facebook. I had a very few friends in LIS; not that others were enemies 😀 Only that, a few girls had broken that Wall that I had kept built around me. I had subjected myself to Denial Mode as if to avenge so many of those unpleasant changes.
Transitions kill me and had almost even yesterday. Failing to understand what had caused that sudden upset mood then; I had sat crying for a while. Didn’t realize when I broke down while writing a FB message to Ruby. A chat window had popped up and a Manav (Ruby’s elder sister’s contact, also on my profile), had wanted to chat. He is a Gazetted Officer in Ministry of Finance residing in Janak Puri, his wife is a teacher. He had posted his daughter’s dancing video to cheer me up. He had not known how badly I had sat crying only a few minutes back. That chat was so different than the usual ones; it didn’t make me answer if I was married, when and why not..??!! The unknown ones would so persuasively call me (on chat) to visit their country. If only I had that kind of money and time. But even then, I would have certainly not packed up my luggage at the 1st call of a stranger. How so un- romantic of me- so be it..!! Let me say that I enjoy chivalry. So, Love and the Likes beside.
Today was alright; infact lovely to an extent.
I was able to link with a few more of my LIS batch-mates.Sanjukta had sent a message, and so had Ritu Malhotra. Ritu had recalled of me. I must have been able to balance my Karma now. In all my senses and conscience, I have not done anything to be leading a strange life like this- at least in this Life. So, I feel that maybe in my past life, I had been not so good; but then, they say you are what you were- so, maybe I was a great star (given my talent in fine and performing arts) and had done something hugely grave. I may have exploited someone or may have played with someone’s emotions or maybe I had deserted my family. Inturn, I have no family in this Life, could not be a professional singer or artist (though I am a qualified Textile Designer), and have been cheated emotionally a few times over. I have no grudges or regrets anymore and have taken it all in my stride (almost). My friends and the people I know however feel that my Life has been the strangest that they have seen so far. I agree, and yet do not complain. I am trying my best to maintain my balance and lead my life in a nice way, with all the passion that is so required to do that wholeheartedly.
It seems Life teases me from time to time. At times, pretty rudely; and at other times- softly, like it did yesterday. It takes a lot of my mental peace to balance between what is gone and I couldn’t possibly enjoy; and what I have that’s a direct result of my past; and its influence on my mind. Yeah, that’s a lot of words and with loads of weight in its meaning.
I live and lead my Life as if there’s no tomorrow; celebrating each second real mega size. I watch those serials (I hate to call them soaps), like there’s no tomorrow. I shop whenever I do; like it’s the end of Sale. I laugh; like nobody’s business. I rejoice as if that’s the most beautiful season. I feel so liberating that apparently I am learning to smile. I am thankful to all my Friends- most of them on FB. Shalu Bhola, Parul Gurtu and Renu Arora are still missing. Even Priti Sharma; my Greenfields classmate- is also missing. I am so unable to trace any of the Greenfields’ friends back 😦
I now feel I am as if advancing towards completion of my soul-ly duties. With now 2 more friends- Rakhi Sachdeva and Ritu Malhotra back with me- atleast virtually through SNS; I feel so dense. How surprisingly “Matrix” like virtuality has now become the reality. We share, laugh and live on SNS- we all do.
Strangely, I had always wanted an ashram- gurukul type place to stay in. Mom had said that they didn’t exist anymore; perhaps, she was afraid of losing me. She had always thought that someday I would just elope without informing her and renounce this world. I may have had; or maybe soon, someday. I have lead a beautiful Life so far; have been able to emerge as a winner- one, who is ready to take up the next battle soon enough. I have been head- on passionate with Life’s every simple test, and not so easy task- equally.
If I were to define my Life in short; it would have to be A Celebration of Cataclysm. I wish to meet Life someday and embrace her. I wish to sit over a cup of coffee and ask her the theorem she follows for each one of us, for subjecting us to such highs and lows. I wish to know the logic of carrying the Past influences in name of Balancing Karmas. Don’t we say that forget the past or bury the past or move on and things; though in reality, we follow the contradiction. Isn’t what’s gone is gone; or may be not? By this logic, we would never be able to be “ourself” and always be under the influence of the past- good or evil. Maybe that’s why they talk of renunciation and salvation. But wouldn’t renunciation mean running off? Until the “Karmas are balanced”, even the renunciation wont gain you Salvation. Then, why do we say- start afresh. Isn’t that so contradictory?
Life definitely has to be “she”; need I comment on that?
In simpler manner, a tree won’t stand tall with affected roots. Nor would it be as strong as the other one with perfect roots. Darwin may have given the “Theory of Evolution”; but what about the “Logic of Sustenance” or “The Need for becoming the Fittest”? Questions are many- I have answers to few; others are still not complete. It’s a Whirlpool of thoughts, stances (events) and experiences (or learning).We perhaps need to strike a balance with all the three in perfect equation. Anybody there wanting to initiate this research??
I now feel restful and am calmer. Sitting low and watching the clue to Life’s next move. It’s been quiet for a while now, I do sense that something’s coming up faster than a Meteor that would gain momentum like a Comet and then, stay like billions of stars visible on a moonless night.
I want it big and I want it all.