Previous- Brewing Inquietude
I had planned to go over to Ruby’s place for my Birthday celebrations; since, I had not wanted any show- down like my 1st Anniversary.
Week- off had coincided with my birthday. Incidentally, we had gone out for Team Outing from Work. We had gone to watch SpiderMan- II; I had sat sobbing in the hall. Sentimental fool: that I so was. Deepshikha was more than amazed seeing tears rolling down my face. OMG, there was nothing to cry about excepting that the couple was able to re-unite! I had given away chocolates to all, not revealing the reason though. Drops to home were provided after the outing; I had boarded a cab to Rohini. I don’t recall of what all was then talked about, at Ruby’s place or that how we had celebrated the day. I had received a few gifts and was glad to have been able to “save” myself of any melodrama.
The next week-offs, had busted the myth. Like it had happened, I was asleep in the morning and Hemant had woken me up. He had wanted to tell me that he was going down- stairs; as he used to every morning. I had only nodded; since, he didn’t wake me up everyday. That was unusual of him to do that- that day. The next very second had jolted me out of my sleep. He had slapped me hard. I had tried to run- off but had failed to escape. This time the ordeal had lasted close to two hours. He had sat on me so I was barely able to move; held my hands behind me and punched on like he was in a Boxing- ring. He had kicked me several times after I had screamed at his first kick. It had hit me at a wrong place; he had wanted to make sure that it hit me bad. Ever since, I suffer of severe cramps during that monthly bloody affair. I had gone black and blue with bruises. He spitted on me and had knocked me several times at the wall. Each time that I had resisted; he had hit me harder. Not knowing of anything else; I had only resigned mutely, for him to grow tired out of that act.
I had taken a little too much for my own being. Not that I had been the most unfortunate or had suffered the highest degree of atrocities; just that, that was so unlike me to have taken all of that. I had no options to call up my parents or run away to my maiden home. If I had gone to Ruby’s place; I would have been accused of being absconding! I had not wanted any trouble for her family anyways. Ruby was only my friend- remember? They would have assassinated both my and Ruby’s character because of one careless step. So much for my trial of saving myself of something scary and unknown; and yet warning enough.
That was certainly not- what was on my mind when I had wanted to settle down with Hemant. I had wanted to live like any other married woman and stay dedicated to my husband. There, I had to dedicate myself to him and his family abnormally; and yet, was given a damn about that. Often, I have marveled at my ability to judge people and fore-see a probable happening- I admit having failed once; miserably.
Instead of being able to settle- down; I had been thrown off to lead a nomadic life, even worse than when my uncle had turned me out of my home. in my Life, All men related to me, have been real b*stards. I so do not wish to be with any man, anymore now: to spend my life or even a night with. He had never appreciated gifting flowers or cards. I was a die- hard romantic. Like all Leo women, I too wanted to receive as many gifts and beautiful ones. Before settling down; so undetached-ly he had been going out for movies and outstation travels with his friends. I should have realized about his dissociative nature back then itself. We had watched only a couple of movies; ones, those he had already watched with his friends. I should have drawn a line- there and then. I was blindfolded, as if. Hopelessly, I had hoped to “settle-down” once and for all; and gain stability. It did all, excepting what I had wanted for myself. Or even, whatever it was meant to be and for.
On Karvachauth, like a zombie- I had floated around the house fasting. I had no feelings for- either him, or my marital family.
I had entered their house with an open mind, wanting to become a part of a family; once again. I had so pathetically failed. A failure; that has been established to myself and to all around. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Neither does anything matter to me anymore. I have now become indifferent towards most of the things; how good is that? I keep myself aloof and distant from everyone and everything. Relationships don’t matter to me anymore; neither do I want to try to create any- of whatever nature it maybe. I had battled with myself and my disciplines to get married. Since childhood, I was conditioned to not to submit to a man i.e., his atrocities. I had already; to so many of them- starting from my dad to my uncle, and now, to my husband too.
It’s a Woman alone and herself, who creates life out of her own flesh and blood. How cruelly she is then conditioned by the Society and people around to resign and give- up. Only a couple of months had passed, when the episode was re- run. Once he had satiated his male- ness; I had then walked out of the room. I had carried the kitchen knife back; one with the serrated blade. I knew that that won’t have killed him but would have badly wounded him; if not much. All that I had cold- bloodedly declared was that how he would want to think- a million times before messing up with me ever again. Since I had no one related to me; I was liberated enough to take any step that suited me, without having worried for consequences. I had said exactly that and he had retreated. Never ever he had touched me again.
He wasn’t scared; only had become worried about his parents. Anyways, he had already labeled me as a whore and slut. So then, he didn’t touch me to even beat up as well. This was, when he had hired a s*x- worker to experience his 1st ever inter-course. Hypocrite..!!
A couple of times, Aunty P had referred that that was out of pity that they had agreed upon marrying their heir to me! She had retorted saying that perhaps, I had scratched myself and made those marks; when I had tried to share that what Hemant did inside the closed room. She had further declared that I might be the one beating him up, cleverly reporting that in his name; to save myself. If only I could do that; to him and to his family- communally.
Aunty P’s writing in Diary was her vent- out! Scribbling out myths and aspersions were her time- pass. Wasn’t that supposed to grow if not curbed in time? I was damned for complaining about that dirty diary and its corrupt contents. By everyone.
At work, I was promoted to Quality. The last of those ordeals, was what Hemant had gifted me, upon my jump at work. The old couple had whined about the fact that I was still “not promoted” in my personal life- so a promotion at work didn’t matter to them and should not to me too. I had taken days to understand that they had pointed out on my having not becoming a mother till then. To hell!!
I had not shared a word about my married Life, with anyone- up until now. I have decided; that I have had enough keeping all that to myself, as if I had criminally sinned. I do not need to hold-on to those sickening memories and experiences- any longer. My writing them across here is like relieving myself of all those miseries that I was forced to suffer of. I still do take its repercussions every now and then. It does pinch; whenever some one makes a mention about her father or husband. It still hurts when someone enquires about my parents and marriage. I feel outcaste- when I see a couple so involved lovingly with each other; and always.
I have not attended any wedding for the past over 5 years now. One, to avoid any embarrassment, hearing or having to answer to the comments or queries that the insensitive people come up with, in name of being so concerned; two, I feel it is so right for a woman like me to keep out. Its like what if I cast an evil- eye on a couple who are just about to start a life afresh; and unknowingly? Moreover; it feels sad to attend wedding all alone. I had so badly wanted to be married; even though, that I had witnessed a Perfectly Ruined Marriage of my parents. Despite all the warnings and fore- warnings; I had believed in Hemant- to have let go of each of my inhibitions. Damn Fool of Me.
I am not at all wanting to get into- how bearing a child would have further screwed up my already f*cked up married Life and that poor child’s life too. I too would have ended up being as hopeless as was my mother and had sat crying to my child that his/her father was a wife- beater. Probably, I should have “listened” to my mom; when she had shared how I could tell if a man was worth settling down with. Hemant had certainly not fitted the Bill.
Was that that my mother had fore- seen that to happen to me? She had so hated- multanis. I hold no prejudice and am friends with quite a few of them in my circle (or whatever). She had ranted about their habit of eating with their left hand; being abusive and even prude. How they only used red- chili as a singular most spice and survived on chapattis alone. Even though, that I had never taken that and still don’t, seriously; Hemant’s family had sat perfectly to the description and definition.
Having left with absolutely no more hopes and wishes; I had then started looking out for avenues. I had tried looking out for each and every one possible, from my past connections. I bought my 1st (and only) cell in April- 2005. What a late starter I have been.
Quite a few things had soon happened- courtesy my cellphone 🙂
I was now counting my days to come out. Out of that bond that was supposedly a binding and more of a shackle.
Next- Amputated finally!!