Void Blossoming on Me

8th June, 1988- Wedneday. Evening:

Dad had already carried his violin and his few other belongings with him, a few days back. The Green and Yellow double- sided bedsheet, a small knife and his clothes. He had called me and enquired if I were to join him. I had replied that that was to happen only if mom did. Only one more time, he assesrted that I should have chosen to go along with him. I had parroted my reply and he was gone.

To me, it was more important for a man to be talking to wife and insisting on taking her alongwith; the kid was to mutely follow his parents. Once again- this is what I had felt then; and I still subscribe to the same. A husband was to be related to his wife 1st and then “their” kid. Even though that I had loved my dad the most; I could just not forgive him for what he had done to his wife. Consider this- at the end of the day, I am a woman. It definitely matters a great deal what a man does to a woman and or to his wife. And, my father was a man.

Here, this is why I don’t wish to date any married man. Not even for a petty cup of coffee. Thanks. More than I wanting to spend quality time, with expectations of future settlement; it’s important to me that how he is to his spouse. They may or not be married- that’s not what I am at. All I am harping upon is that if he isn’t gracious enough to his present spouse, the chances are that he would never be to anyone. This may be a mind of a 12 year old; but, am writing these when at 32 now.

Not even for a harmless little good time I would want to date or meet over. Married men, please be restricted with your spouses. Does she know me, bring her along- we would rather have a quality family time. By letting a committed man take me out, without his spouse knowing about; is just not happening- NO.

I did come across an ex- colleague from Convergys, who I had dated thrice. I came aware of his “status” and then had dropped him. Well, he had assumed that I knew that; so what? My knowing about that, doesn’t matter where from; is what I am talking about. He didn’t flirt; instead had been nice to me- but then..

They try to rebut that atleast they are being honest; TO? I had been pondering about this for the last 15 days now. I had even talked about this- with zilch rate of success. I had been wracking my brain nerves that why did it bother me to date a married man- when it had nothing to do with Moral Science? I have the answer now.

It’s only an irony that I am his daughter. I am equally stone- hearted in a similar manner; maybe even worse. Before I write what I felt; let me think how he may have felt. All alone, desolated, left out or just out-casted? What kind of a man could walk straight out of his marriage? Only my dad and I can.

Didn’t he feel that that was the end of the world? Didn’t he feel for his flesh and blood in me? Didn’t he feel for my co- creator in my mom? Not even a bit? Didn’t he feel empty? And lost? Bewildered? Devoid of Purpose? Did he feel anything at all? I would never know; neither I wish to. As mush as I loved him, I don’t sympathize with him. He was the reason and the creator too.

I had walked to the main door, locked it and went to mom. She was sat like a wet bird, stuffed up. I had switched on the TV, made her calmly watch Chitrahaar. Mom only looked at me in amazement as to why wasn’t I reacting. What was I to react about? A loser’s exit? What was I supposed to do? Wail like a mourner? Go and beat my head up against the wall? Or cry my heart out?

Alright, I am still doing all of that- till date.

Ironically, I had always liked the figure- 8. It was 8pm, when dad had left on 8th June..!! For years, I had not even known how to say that, it was my friend Tina (Singh), who termed the coinage- “So, you mean that your Dad abandoned you?” I worked in Hutch (Essar Cellphones- Okhla) then. Like an illiterate wannabe, I had referred to that as “I am not in touch with my dad“. I didn’t know what to say that as. It was still unknown to me. I had never quite understood why that had happened at all. From a child’s perspective, that was foreign and would always remain so.

I am a grown up woman now. I understand about Life and Relationships better than most of us. Yet, I decline to say that I understood whatever my parents did. Why should I? They had not reflected upon their level of maturity well- back then; now, why should I? They have had their time; now, it’s my turn. Why am I supposed to become Divine and forgive all?

I hate to mention that our present day Society is full of such worms. All they can is feast on women’s individuality and reduce them to become a rotten spinach. It’s primarily because of them that the others have had the audacity to commit and get away with. I wish my dad soon gets to read about him. I’ll make sure that my words would not let him breathe another second. Wishing for him to die isn’t what I want- but him to realize and then, live with it- a very long life. I hope to reach out to all- everyone around me and him and otherwise too.

Anyone who wishes to tell me to- Move On; I echo to them- kindly move over from my blog and lay your eyes on some spineless entertaining comedy. Believe you me, I know how to enjoy life and laugh like an idiot- this one thing of the others, is certainly not.

What- I am being rude? Inconsiderate? Vindictive? So be it!! I am now- what they have made me-PERIOD. Kindly applaud that fact that I have become exactly what My parents seeded in me; even when both of them weren’t around for the most of my growing years- hell! my dad is still alive.

Uncle didn’t react too- I could notice his facial muscles becoming hard. I had gestured mom to quieten. She was a little more on being ignorant instead of being innocent. I mean that that wasn’t her age to be innocent- anyways!! Someone help her..

Strictly speaking; that was the 1st instance of my loved one moving on, leaving me behind. I wasn’t left alone; rather, completely left out.

Parul was my only close friend. She studied in section A, I in B. Renu Arora too had shifted out; +/- a few weeks. She too was in a different section. We had spent only a few months together; and yet, I couldn’t forget her. She had once prophesied that I would never be dependent on dad; and only for a little while on mom. I am still hunting her down. Don’t know where she maybe. I had once gone to a school trip only a few months back with her. She had set up a very high standard for even in friendships. Formal and highly matured. No one else could fit that line. Till, I met Ruby. But that was much much later..

For now, I was completely left alone. No one else in the locality, colony or neighborhood had known anything. That summer vacation took the life out of me.. Strangely enough, it’s summer again that I am compiling those happenings. I had as if known what would be the next course. Vacations were over, I had joined school back.

It was not the summers, but maybe that standard that took many more things out of my then life. The year, the era or the phase.. Everything was wiped clean that had made me smile, live and let me be.. And, left me completely de- void.

Just no one could understand my silence- not even me.

Dad had stood at the bus- stop from where I boarded my school- bus. And watched me. Next, he was at the school assembly. I had seen him, while walking to the Assembly Area crossing the School Ground. He hopped around me “Meena.. Meena..” I had switched on the mike pretending I was testing that. That was my duty- alright; but, I had done that on purpose. My seniors, head- boy and girl, other choir girls, teachers, vice- principal; no- one ever came aware of what was happening outside the Medical Room where we had all gathered for Morning Prayers.

Do I need to separately mention that I had blatantly ignored him? After the prayers, I had again gone back to the ground, looking for him. I saw dad sitting in the office room; that was next to the entrance gate. We dropped our fees cheques there in the drop box. I would never know what had happened; I had never seen any of him again.

EVER..

• His abrupt exit has taught me to not get attached to anything or anyone- beyond a certain level.
• It’s not worth getting into any relationship.
• Never ever believe a man.

As if that was not all. Mom often washed me up still. I had not really appreciated. She was too overbearing. She had insisted that I keep the washroom door unlocked. Why she had not understood plain Bangla when I had said that I would un- lock when she knocks? As if that was pre- planned. My uncle had come strolling and opened up the door and didn’t look away when he saw a naked teenager. A girl whose body had started changing when she was 9 was pretty grown up at 12. I had already hit the Monthly cycles a year back. I had been as if stoned. I did not even breathe. He had stared at me as if to evaluate and scale me up. That look on his face had made me so uncomfortable. I had stopped communicating with him since then. I had declared that he was the guest at our house; would leave soon.

If only mom too had treated him that way and handled the situation in a different manner. Not that dad was being of a great help; but then, an incapacitated, dependent woman, with a girl child is not a very favorable situation. Her health did not allow anymore to work. When it had, both the men had played real suckers and not let her work.

Then, she had no other option, but to cling to Samanta, till she died an untimely death.