I had come home and headed straight to wash and change. Not because that’s what I usually do; but because I had stripped and wrapped a white sheet, for her to examine me. OMG..!!
It’s been winding since early morning. The day was dark and cloudy and is still mini- storming. The kitchen chimney is snoring because of the wind passing through its vent. Today was the perfect weather for me to have gone to SN. I am now hell bent on buying a Camera- a simple “point and shoot”- as they are referred to as. Could have gone to Paul Studios and checked one with 12MP and 4X Zoom. My friends have suggested to try a simpler version before jumping on to SLR; though, I would have loved buying that one..!!
Instead, I had gone to see and show to a Gynecologist. Oh no, there’s no good news. In India, you need to be married for such “experiments”. Then? Well, there isn’t a bad news either..
I have been experiencing a huge discomfort in my left under-arm since last 5 years now. At times, it gets even senseless. What? Right. Each time that I went to any Doctor, they had sent me straight home, asking me not to worry at all. Then why did I worry again? Just being a little more Cautious; that’s it.
I have observed a C patient very closely- from the beginning of the symptoms, till post surgery treatment. It has set some very ugly memories in my mind. So even if the Doctors told me (again today) that “All is Well..”, I am stuck as a paranoid.
Just when the appointment was fixed at 4pm, I had clammed up or in- whatever. My stomach sent aching signals; my head, reeling ones. Usually, I am pretty brave. I have sat for my mom’s hospital trips in growing years. Then in Hutch, when that ugly accident had hit the Noida guys, I used to stay in Apollo Hospital for most of my off- shift time. In Baxy, I had taken yet another colleague who had suffered a fall to Privat; she is Polio struck. Hats off to her patience and strength.
But, when it comes to C, I am as if shot in the head. Dead, brain dead, clinically dead- you may use all of those together to describe my state of being. Seeing my mother suffer after her pregnancy, I am paranoid about bearing a kid; both medically and in terms of bearing as a responsibility. Similarly; this condition has affected me deep within.
I had dabbed on my Maybelline 3-in-1 stick and Rimmel light pink lipper. The plastic black and white ear- drops, Convergys wrist watch and red fancy slippers had completed my look for the evening. Of course, I didn’t want to “become” a patient even before the diagnosis. Even then, I won’t be caught dead with a gloomy look- ever. I look good and try to look better at all times. I didn’t have to look sick- like a squashed boiled potato. I love to look as taut and rosy as a peach 🙂
I met Jasmeet in Columbia Asia Hospital reception. She is all of 23 maybe; and already had sat for a couple of bone- marrow transplants. Brave girl. I am thinking of talking to her and put her experience on my Blog. More than an inspiration; I would want to overcome my own apprehension of even to talk about this. That’s right, I excuse myself the moment (even a group) discussion turns towards..
About me, I am diagnosed of Mastalgia. And that’s not a cousin of Nostalgia; not even a distant one. Then?? That’s the name of that discomfort that numbs my left arm whenever I am stressed. This pain shots in my left arm and stays, like my arm maybe it’s 1st home. I end up tying a handkerchief tightly around the biceps to ease up. It’s intensity has gone down in the past two years. Any controversial discussion (about my marriage, past or even future probability), kicks me in my breasts.
Ah, then maybe it’s safe to assume that my brains are in my breasts- LOL. Yeah, for the 1st time, a Doctor said that it was some condition instead of “just nothing”- Mastalgia. For all this while, they have been sending me home saying that I was imagining PMS a little too further for the rest of the month’s days too. She had examined well and that’s when she had given me that sheet to hold on my body- upper half alone. Now stop imagining- I had only removed my T-shirt and Br…
Medication: Not to take anymore stress. She said that probably the memories are eating me from within. How did she know? Simple.. Any parental history of any ailments? Married? Lifestyle? Any concerns? I had to be honest; and thats how I am anyways. I have to de- stress and there’s no other way..!! And eat every 3-4 hours. So now, I am eating 🙂
I guess that more than Vodka shots, it’s the relief that has set me high. There was hardly any left in the bottle anyways 😦
On a serious note: Please do not ignore any pain or discomfort that you may experience in your breasts; no matter when. Go and see the Doctor the 1st thing. More often than not; it may be muscular or nervous or stress related like mine. And even if it’s C related; the earlier it’s diagnosed, the better it is. I have met Jasmeet today. What a lively girl she is- she is a surd and her curly short hair had let me know what may have happened to her..
Next would be her experience in her words..
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Olivia, Do you fear that you have breast cancer? Or is this of someone else that you speak? John
I am paranoid- thats it.
A few things have scarred my thoughts permanently. Maybe what I witnessed was completely far from being pleasant.. you know scary..
Plus, since I am completely on my own- I’ll be left out on my own; if anything not so good strikes me.. Not to forget the post surgery trauma and financial implications..
In simple words, I feel I have taken more than I could have handled- really, don’t want any more “complicated” things or things to get “complicated” like any health conditions..