Sleeping Beauty

The one thing I have developed to do more often and heavily now is Sleeping.. So what? Isn’t that supposed to be a part of Daily Routine?

Yes and No.

Yes, as in obviously; No, because things were very very different for me. After 1995, I have been stormed with a cycle of events which still is on- however, I have now become just plain indifferent.

  • My Mom’s Demise
  • I being thrown out of my Home
  • My staying over with a Loser
  • Complete my TD while staying with him, fend for both and take all the crap.
  • Getting a Job
  • Yet, panic about settling down soon
  • Definitely, dumping him
  • Couple of flings..
  • An offer of an affair that I turned down after exploiting the situation (and keeping an ugly memory of the event)
  • A few baseless “friendships”
  • Meeting Hemant
  • Settling Down with Hemant
  • Again being thrown out of my home; or was it?
  • And realizing that that relationship was futile
  • Walking out of the relationship
  • Starting my SOLO Life- all over again
  • Getting tangled with my Flat mate..
  • Nearly escaping my death a few times
  • Getting rid of her
  • While I staying in the confines of Guest House for months; locked up in a room..
  • And My stuff locked up at her place..
  • A few more things locked up at an unknown place. Hemant had made arrangements for my stuff that was left with him and I could not collect them since I was occupied with this new issue.
  • Trying to work and balance the whole melodrama till I successfully shifted out all my stuff from both the places in November- 2008
  • It has taken almost a year to be able to bring myself back-

Not that Life has become easier than before now.. I have felt that it was easier if I kept to myself and not expecting or experimenting at all. Dull, but restful.. Risky and yet peaceful..

Learnings:

  • Never ever be dependent on anyone..
  • With my kind of situation; one better be ready to compromise often. The only choice I have is either I keep getting hurt and smile like a fool being in a relationship; or accept whatver is available and definitely not compromise on my dignity.
  • The Big Morality Question- Is that a right thing to do? The Society has never been helpful in resolving my affairs or support my stand; now, I don’t even give a damn..

I am left completely alone:

  • I am enjoying my state of Bliss.
  • More often than not; it’s because of the close people group that I have found myself rowing in a soup.
  • My attitude- vindictive.

Am I happy?

I am sleeping over without being worried about getting beaten up in the morning. I am not scared to slog myself like a menial. I am not conditioned to crib my saga over to the prospective Groom and subject myself to his Judgements either. I don’t wish to be fake to him. Neither do I wish to convey my state of vulnerability by discussing my PAST.

And hell.. its PAST; gone.. Nevermind.

I now live like a Queen. Worrying only about how much sleep I would be lost in, everyday. I am trying to make- up for all the lost years’ nap, peace and solitude. I am tired of worrying over others’ carelessness and in desperate attempt to be a part of some family. I have lost my precious years in tidying up mess created by others; now, trying to re- color the monotonous sketch of chaos and catastrophes.

And I am so restful most of the times. At other times, I do get into retrospection. Yet, some other times, I wonder what next..

Oh, and I am already sleepy.. And wish to wake up to a very happening and carefree Life; once for all..

AMEN

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
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