I thought; I had turned into a Recluse. Actually I haven’t yet. Or maybe the things are happening in exact concurrence to halt the process. I have always been a very serious type when it comes to values and morals. No, I am not a Moral Science teacher. My Morals are so different and unconventional that one often questions my understanding of the same. Of late, I have begun socializing. So what had caused me to become aloof? It’s a long story, am still writing it. I have beginning to realize that I can’t stay cocooned. I had tried to, I couldn’t. Eventually, I have given up 🙂
But distant I would always be
- What if the one doesn’t reciprocate?
- What if I get hurt?
The risk is too high for me. I tend to get very involved with people. I mean one when I say Friend. Often I have been hurt. I don’t think it’s worth getting into relationships if I am to get hurt apparently. So, as a Defense Mechanism, I have turned critical, judgemental and analytical.
As a survival instinct, I am hurt even with the slightest of the transitions
- So I am able to avoid the greater risk that was following the smaller instance.
- So I keep myself sensitive enough to sniff the “north worth it” soon enough.
So what do I do? Get sulking and secluded? Nopes. Not anymore..
I have tried and failed to do that. My friends (who are worth calling one) have often dug me back. Yes, it’s to them that I have been able to rediscover myself, smile to Life. Strangely enough, I never ask for help when I need any. I try to fight it out on my own. With help, I often mean emotional support. I only chirp about it once it’s over. I share them and not crib about or cry over them. I would have already while living the issues. With “them” ending; my tears too dry up.
Or maybe I keep them hidden
- I master the art of taking things in my stride
- Sharing anyways makes me re- live.
Two ways of dealing with the (ugly) things
- One- avoid. Takes no time.
- Two, become indifferent. Takes very long. But the results are amazing.
One becomes completely free of any burden. Wait; don’t mix it up with forgiving. It’s more to do with not carrying any grudge. That’s how I realized that whatever happened in my school (in terms of I getting treated as an outcast) was more out of sibling rivalry, lack of understanding and or maturity. This is (the phase) when I am ready to talk about the things- at length, remaining completely unaffected. For as long as you would want to.
But beware. If I have met you the 1st time, I would start my “watch” and keep “recording” for my brooding time to conclude about you. So be very careful about your questions.
What’s the secret to the best tasting Dal- Makhani? ..To let the pot simmer over the fire overnight. Exactly that’s what I do. I ponder upon each and everything so well till there’s absolutely no ambiguity left. I am able to draw my conclusions and very well at that. I enjoy reading people. There’s so much to observe and learn about them; their thoughts, view and standards.
That’s yet another reason why I could connect with most of my past connections, even after so many years. They had all remembered me very well. I still remember what they did to me last time.. 😀 I may have understood their logic or immaturity and hence given them yet another opportunity. We all evolve with passing time. Or I may have made myself so indifferent that I would retract at the slightest hint.
Ever watched a snail or a clam? That’s me. I keep my eyes popped up and do the disappearing act the moment someone picks at me. Till then, I keep crawling at my own pace, oblivious to the “not worth it” things or people. Ping me anymore and you would get the vicious claw up on your face. Perhaps, Newton’s III Law of Motion was invented after watching me. I am the Sleeping Beauty. Wake me up and watch me reform into a witch. I show no mercy.
This post was certainly not compiled to scare anyone so would not go beyond this. However, the fact remains that I am so capable of whipping up a few tricks. To my advantage.
For now, I am enjoying the change in me. The transformation that has opened me up to write about myself in my Blog, Befriending almost everyone (from the past) and getting back to socializing days again; is keeping me occupied.
I called up Rajshree last evening- just a regular call. She was surprised and rightly so. I haven’t done that for years..!! I used to keep so to myself thinking what if she doesn’t answer.. I know she must be twitching her brows at me right now.. I couldn’t talk at length with Monalisa, but she too was surprised wondering if all was well. So was Gudiya and Sophia.. Ouch.. Long list- eh? 😛
What’s the basic difference between “Refreshing” and “Rebooting”? The refreshing key after pressed would bring you back to the same place after fixing up the addition; however, the latter would need you to close all open programs and call for a re-start bringing you back to a blank screen. Perhaps what I mistook as I turning to a recluse was actually closing of all open “not responding” programs.
I now feel as fresh as new. I remember things that had happened to me when I was 1-1/2 or 2 years old. I am certainly not going to let my potential go untapped.
So what If I was halted so many times
- Maybe they were never meant to be and hence had to be left to move forward
- Or to check my level of endurance and determination in the process
Vengeance, Persuasion and a higher degree of research; I have them all now to move forward. I am all equipped to run. Through the Fire.. and yet emerge without being affected. I have been burnt a few times over already. I won’t be affected anymore. I have the fire in me; now wish to set ablaze a Halo.
I am back; with a Vendetta