My 1st Crush was my last Affair

And has crushed my being tad too mercilessly.

Why my fate had to be so cruel? Why couldn’t it be a little more gracious to me? Why couldn’t my fate let me R.I.P.?

Why does it always nudge me back to restlessness, the moment I attain some stability?

I can’t describe how I feel right now. Is this why I was stuck at home today, when I had all the plans to go out? Is this what Rains was to bring for me? I so feel I should have completed the series about him. Now, I would. As quickly as I can. I have no other option available.

He has disappointed me one too many times. While most of the times it was during our growing up years; the last time it was in 2005.

I so not believe in romantic fairy tales in practicality. That I love the very concept is a different thing altogether. What am I thinking now? Nothing. How would I react if at all. In the similar manner how I have treated other men. Cold and distant.

What if he too may be reading this? Well!! I care not.

I had decided to go dead last night when that voice over my shouldershook me up again. I as if in an impulse switched back my computer on and facebook application. I typed a few names and in synchrony, they appeared on screen. I had been looking for my classmates for months now. I found a few of them.

Hurriedly I posted whatever I recalled of them along with a “Friends Request”. I had also found out a very good friend who was also an ex- colleague in 2 organisations including Convergys. He stayed in MN where I too resided, yet never really dated. I respect him for that. Oh, he is a LEO (so am I). He had treated me quite a few times. We were so pally that the 1st workplace people thought that we were involved. This was in 1999.

Damn my memory cells..!! Where exactly would I take all this buzz of my mind to..?

I could locate few of my classmates. I ganged up mostly with the guys. Oh I was such a Tomboyish Brat. Or was it already teens playing on mind. No idea. I recall so many instances when I fooled around with Himanshu and they had been the alliances 😀

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My FB status- I am on top of the world… 2 of my childhood friends and GFPS classmates Amit Taneja and Amit Gupta are also added to my Friends List now..

And so is Ruchi Dixit Sood.. What other way I could have enjoyed this soggy saturday..?? (links to the FB post disabled)

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I have hit the stage 2 of forgetting the past. I actually have for most of the things. And that is why you are reading this. I found him yet again. OMG..!! How can I do it over and over again? For all the years of I knowing him, since I may have been 5 or 6 years of age; each time we lost each other, I was the one to find him back.

Not anymore.

He was only in one of the Friend’s friends List. I was browsing for other class- mates. His profile so stood right across on my computer screen..

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I didn’t cry. Instead, I laughed. Hysterically. As expected his pic’s not uploaded. How did I recognize him? His date of birth. I remember his siblings name. His choice of words to express. We had shared so much the last time- ON PHONE. Sitting under the night sky, watching the moon, we would keep talking till morning. (read: another post) Romantic.. eh? You bet..

May be this is why I hate talking on phone. Chances are that given my odd name, he must have already located me. But why am I thinking on those lines now?

Has he been observing me on Facebook and reading my Blog? Not that I care about it. I have completely become indifferent about everything. Whatever I am, however I am; he could have brought in some change. I have not been able to come to terms with his cowardliness. He is yet another example of my correct judgement when people tell me I am too judgemental..!!

I had got up to make a drink. Remember, it’s Saturday..?? The soft drink pet bottle cap had sprung open like a Champagne cork. The soda fizzed out exactly in the manner how a Champagne pours out of the bottle once opened. Was the Sprite wanting to celebrate too? What was the occasion again?

I prepared my drink standing at the Dining Table. My Ganshu Darling (Ganesha Effigy) sat watching me closely. He sits right in the Dining area. I am not superstitious but do believe in Occult. Didn’t I tell you that I so feel that it wasn’t the end?

No wonder I had been dreaming of him for close to an year. Not him consoling me anymore; but I walking away from him. Practically ignoring him. Him running after me and I just coldly walking past him. Subconscious? Naaah. I loved him too close to be that rude to him.

I didn’t send him a Friend Request. Anyone wanting to know the reasons would have to go back, read my posts to conclude himself; if it isn’t apparent by this one itself.

How would I react if he makes any advances? Would I want to risk my being getting negated yet again? By him? Has he changed with time? The chances are bleak. Is he contented with his married life? I know not- none of these. I don’t need any answers too. There was no help when I needed help with mine shattering one.

Will he make any advances? Would I want him to?

How stone- hearted I could be. Yes. I am. Anyone who has been unable to read me, should now be able to conclude about me.

This evening,  watching his profile, my heart didn’t skip a beat. I was only curious like anyone else who finds out a lost contact on Facebook. Am I concerned about him anymore? I so not know that. Am I wanting him back in my Life? ummmm…. Does he spend time recalling of our last and the ugliest meeting?

He has blatantly ignored the fact that I had been more concerning about him, even when I was only 17 years of age. All I had wanted was a little help to come out of my rotten wedlock. He had refused to talk to his parents about me. If nothing else, he could have lent some active help instead of running away like a scared hog.

What would be my course of action if he …? Now after 4 drinks, I guess I am back to senses. I don’t have any place in my life for him. He would only become an object to mark my time with. He would have to really slog it to win me back; if at all i.e.,

The letters he had written to me, I had to take the consequences. Let me try and pay it back, before we hit each other again for yet another round of Game. Let me write about him and put myself on the same page too; before we meet again after this interval. I still have a very strong feeling that we are bound to hit it again..

Till then..