I have been a computer freak. Even back then, when Computers was only a spelling (in India), I had so fancied to master its operations. The school I studied in then- GreenFields Public School, introduced Computers when I was in my 6th grade. I was amongst the 1st one to jump out of Domestic Science (a mandatory subject for girls instead of Drawing that was for boys, how biased and unfair), to opt for Computer Science. The whole idea of learning and working with an Interactive Machine was so alluring.
Its face (monitor) kind of invited me to sit with it and talk (type in). It’s more than just an input/output device. Today, as I write (and you read this), it works for me as my Message Carrier. It has dawned upon a role of my Companion. In the last 5 months, looking at all the events that have rolled by with such great momentum; I feel It to be communicating with me (and others) too. It has acted (and not just sit at the desktop alone), as one loyal and dedicated, silent and very very caring parent- maybe? Or guardian?
Like an avid gardener, it has brought back enough fertilizer for me to grow. Blossom. Bear fruits. Grow Back. Again.
I now look back when I was all of 10- 11, fascinated by this term “Computers”, wanting to play around with the Machine. Was this destined? Was I calling for my Destiny hard on me? Was the Destiny calling me closer? Time would tell. All.To all.
My uncle was employed with American Center and worked with Computers. Once that he had taken me to his Work Place, he so asked me to play around. I wasn’t a Computer Literate, and hence didn’t fiddle with the Device. See, how thoughtful I was even when I was all of 10 or 11 maybe. I had declared that I would not make myself a laughing stock; his colleagues were impressed. Sorry Dear Computers, now you understand that that wasn’t personal?
I was awarded scholarships from IBM to pursue Computer Training. This was when I changed my school. Uncle had butted in saying that the darn software changes every 6 months.. “But the Basic Operation won’t..” Mom had sided with him and Love of my Life was lost.
For a short time.
I had excelled working on Computers very soon, even when I attended to no formal training about MS. I had noticed, how the Spreadsheet had changed. Instead, there was an Excel. I won’t say I excel; however, anyone close to me knows how well I can play around the boxes
Back then, when the Computers were just introduced, I had played around with Basic. A language. I had created a small program, where My name and his, would flash across the entire screen and travel pass like a wave. Till you stop it. Teachers were pleasantly surprised. I am now.
At many things.
In LIS, I was paired with Sampada. We would do our “practicals” together. Yet our friendship happened only a year later. See, how the Machine had forecast or pre- empt or even pre- pone the “happening“. I used to practice the Languages that we were being taught. You would agree when I tell you that I could print out the best of Greeting Cards through “Printshop” and “Print- Master”. They were the “primitive ancestors” of Powerpoint.
While working In Siddharth Hotel, I would send greetings made out of air- brush creating the stippling effect, to the Club members. Will try to upload the images soon. I have worked with a Computer Company as well. That’s when I had created an image with MS Paint creating 3-D effect that was later circulated in Hutch. I’ll have to check my “Archives” folder (some small polybags with old cards and papers) to check its availability.
Creating my CV, impressing my Employers , quality reports, impressing my managers.. Now finally Blogging.
The Greeting Card messages that I used to write, when in school for others’ boyfriends has now taken a better shape. I write for my Blog now. The Love Letters that I so laboriously wrote, was actually pointing me to this- I believe. For me, to be able to write, has created one of the biggest highs.
I am completely alone- staying in solitude. Yet, I have been noticed. Now, I want that to happen a very big time. Why not?
I couldn’t become what I had wanted to. I do carry that remorse. My situations, parents (or their neglect), and no- one’s help (excepting Ruby); have played dirty enough to have crushed me. I know what is being a vegetable- like. I have been that- more than once.
I take great pride when I realize that I have become so indifferent now. The mis- understanding that happened (that’s an inseparable part of my Life ) has been given to lose. I remember ALL, don’t carry any grudge; anymore.
As if dismayed or to recover; I had hibernated. I shifted from Guest House (read: another post), in November- 2008. I had thought that I had turned into a Recluse. I had shut myself completely off. Not conversing with anyone- at all. I wasn’t crying or sulking. Only not wanting to talk at all. There wasn’t much I could talk about. All of my friends would have expressed concern asking “what happened”. I wasn’t ready to discuss.
I am now With all the compassion, detachment and vengeance
I have been riding a see-saw with my fate. After it had reached its farthest peak, it sharply turned back. It could no longer maintain itself atop. I am enjoying its fall. I am swinging alongwith. Once it hits the ground; it will shot me back. With “its” decline, I would be then moved up.
Its movement curve has twisted down. Instead, I am now travelling up the Curve. I want it a real long and slow one, so I stay up there and create a horizontal and parallel line. I want myself to be walking on a parallel rail, to the ground to maintain balance.
How to achieve that? By being in constant touch with my Ground Realities. With all the objects; both good and bad. By coming to terms with my Failures. Accepting them with grace, acknowledging them as my own and not passing the blame on to the other one involved. Yet, there are still a couple of things that were beyond my control or cover. Like my dad’s moving out- abandoning his Family.
I guess; I have inherited the Art of being Indifferent!!!
Much after shifting here in Palam Vihar a couple of years back, I had sat thinking of the immediate past. I saw I had faulted- there too. It feels good after I realize my “mistake”. That way, my faith or trust is not shaken for the other person involved. Instead of blaming the other one and holding him responsible and accusing him for Life, I try and analyse my having “looked over”. I try to take the blame.
I become wiser..
Once having done that, I took some time to heal. To lick myself back to life. To smile. To come to terms with so many changes and with all of them in a short period of time. Almost- overlapping. To recover. To spring back to myself.
While I had chosen to stay away from all, this Computer itself threw me back amidst all. On Orkut, my class- mates had hunted me down. I had begin to connect- slowly. Very slowly. I was still not opening up.
I was too broken to be moving lest one slight movement caused all assembled cracked pieces to fall off.
On Facebook, I have connected with my classmates and friends from GFPS too. I had studied there till I was 13.
What a paradox. I still feel so connected with Past people and memories. I have remembered all of the acts- they too are surprised at my remembrance. Yet, I harp that I am Indifferent.
Apparently, I came across to so many pointers that nudged me to eventually re- start writing. I had kept brooding and wanting to write. About My Thoughts. About My Life and About Men. A couple of them who were in touch with me (I chose to answer their calls), had suggested me to either join Social Work (really? Who’s gonna work on me?) or consult some Astrologer (for?)!!! I was so put- off to say the least. I mean are people so in- sensible?
It’s alright when they said so, but not right when I write. I care not. They didn’t care back then. Grudge? Nopes. Then? I now smile at their brains (or the lack of it).
Each word of suggestion had hit me. Judgements had pricked me. So I had retracted. SIMPLE.
My computer who had sat mutely watching me while I chatted with Ruby, has opened a new world of Blogging to me. I had always wanted to. I had known of the same long before it had hit India. I didn’t own a Computer, so couldn’t follow my Instinct.
The very Solitude and my Computer had shook me to speakup again- in my own language. I choose my words, the color and the rhythm. Monopoly?Yeah..!! Finally.
Had the Computer read my Mind? And accordingly hunted my long- lost friends (online) who suggested WP to me? Or made me dream, making me search for Ganesha Abhishek at WP? Or made me read a news piece about a Blogger with WP? Or even pushing me to read Blogs at WP? All within 3 months of time?
How could Solitude push me to speak up? My being stuck indoors is now proving to be my strength. Or is it my persuasion? Or my following my Instincts die- hard?
How did my Computer know I wanted to interact? And make things happen in a sequence all directing and making me Write?
Only a day back, I bagged yet another award. After a long period of time. As if to rejoice my resurrection. I guess, things do move your way if you want them enough to.
How I was halted abruptly..!! I dare them all to come charging at me. With all their might..
I promise; I’ll emerge as a Winner still..