Errors in Trials of My Survival


While my survival was becoming tougher day by day; my ability to stick to my resolution too was.

I used to stay in my classroom after- hours, till evening. Until the College Hostel gates remained opened. Since Electricity was a huge issue at “home”, I used to stay- back and complete my assignments while sitting in the classroom. All I ate was a Pepsi and a packet of chips. Completing my course had become as important as to stay dry while being immersed in flood.

That Blotch used to go out right in the morning. Come in the evenings. Everyone thought he was employed. All he used to do was hang in the Blue Line buses and loiter like a maverick.

Yes, I had supported him too. Financially.

He was 7 years elder to me. At 19, even a couple of years seemed distant- what to talk of 7 years.. Once that I had gone to his house, his father had advised me to stay away from him. He had ridiculed him no end. Well, I wasn’t near him anyways. Only couldn’t stay away either.

Runa’s marriage was fixed up for November- 96. Only a month after shifting out of my HOME. I had also attended her Engagement in summers. I was sternly asked to stay distant, so Runa’s in-laws don’t get to speak with me. They had not been informed about my dad or even my mom. That’s right, it was a matter of huge shame- that mom was masi’s real sister.

I have always adored my masi. To me, she was the 1st image of an independent woman- that she really is. She too had been a rebel in her own way. If only she had supported her sister..

I had attended Runa’s wedding too. From a distance. Even though she is fairer and more beautiful than I am; the fact remains that I looked better styled. Nevermind. Samanta and Shipra had also graced the evening with their presence. Uncle had moved around me for the major part of the evening. Why? Was there any necessity? What was the need?

Shipra had apparently gotten fed up of my ignoring them. I had not ignored them; I had looked through them. I master the art of becoming indifferent a tad too well. I need a massive reason, that’s all. One reason is good enough for a lesson of a life-time.

As I have witnessed; I haven’t been really given any 2nd opportunity anyways. Faltering again was so not for me..

I cooked on Gas- stove. It was placed right inside the room. The kitchen that was outside the room, was converted to mini store- room. I had managed to get a cylinder that was in my dad’s name, my uncle had forcibly kept the 2nd one. The Blotch would not go out to get it refilled. It had to be gotten from Kalyan- Puri, a few kilometres away on a rickshaw, in black.

There was a common washroom and 2 toilets next to the main entrance. A bucket full of water had to be filled and carried to use the loo. Ditto for a wash. It was atleast 100mtrs away from my room- if not more. I had only drawn a diagram of hand- pump when in primary school. There, I was using one. Washing of clothes also used to be in that handpump area itself. The only relief was that it was cemented and well maintained. God bless babaji; he had let me use the motor- switch a lot of times. I would clean and wash at their handpump. There was another one at the other side for the tenants. Dishes also had to be carried to the hand pump area for cleaning.


The amount that was fixed in my name in BOB, was withdrawn. The jewelery too had to be sold. Excepting a set of ear- tops that mom had gotten made during her last days. Uncle had discovered my mom’s FD receipt a few days before my leaving. Mine was safely transferred to my account and hence he had never come aware of that. He was hunting for my “shorts”. Girls don’t wear them- right?

He had planted every problem that he could have. I had practically slogged in bewilderment to retrieve the money that was fixed in my mom’s name. I had failed to. The FD certificate had stayed with me like a dead account.


My stuff was yet to be shifted from the previous place. My books were still left there. My education certificates, books and all the papers important; were lying there. Once the man who had helped the Blotch get the present accommodation had also reminded of the same. He had visited the present setup and requested politely to empty “his” house.

It was only after an year that he had gone to “retrieve” them. As it was destined to happen, the other man had sold off every single paper. My Education certificates were gone. So were my books. I had saved them since childhood. All kinds of knowledge books, grammar books and so many other types of mixed ones; all were gone. I had known of that- as if.

I had not reacted at all. I had remained calm. A Blotch that he was; he would wear my shirts, my shoes and even my woolens. It doesn’t hurt me anymore to say that he even used my razor. I guess, we all know “what for” a woman uses one..!! He would wet his hair right in the morning and then wear one of my mom’s knitted caps and move around to “set” his hair.

All I was allowed was to wear suits. Only browns as lipper. In short, he was an orthodox when it came to my dressing up, eating habits, speaking mannerisms, watching the type of movies; the list is endless. I was realizing that I had to get rid of him- asap.

A few days later, the stove had burst. I wasn’t hurt. Yet another time, the room was on fire- through electric sparks. My Drawing Board was burnt. It had not affected me- again. These were pretty simpler traumas as compared to what I had survived through to live.

21st December, 1996

If that was not enough, I had conceived too. Right within the 1st month of my shifting. The experiments and his desires had made me pregnant. Without thinking or even re- thinking of the medical- complications; I had gone for an abortion. Of course, don’t be surprised. What would have I done? Bear a kid- like my mom had and then struggle throughout my life?

For me, my Life’s more important. I am not made to give up so hopelessly to bring an “unknown” one up. I so can’t.

Anyways, what future would I have given him? Same as that of my own-self? My dad was educated and married to mom. Yet, he had not hesitated even a bit to exhibit an animal like indifference. Was I too to conduct a similar mistake?

Like mom would come back to senses during her operations; I too had sensed the suctions from the inside of my uterus. I had felt the pulls from within me. Since I was too young; I was under the effect of General Anesthesia. Through out the procedures and my screams; I had kept praying that the doctor doesn’t damage my uterus too. I had no money to opt for a surgical removal of the damaged baby bag.

I had passed out after the procedure. Only after 2 hours had I opened my peepers. I could barely walk from the entrance till my room. Leaving me alone on the bed; he had disappeared again. I had felt some discomfort up my vagina. A huge gauge of cotton was shoved up inside me. Oh yes, the doctor had told me to remove that only after a couple of hours. I was to report immediately if bleeding didn’t stop. I had stayed unconscious for the rest of the afternoon. Thankfully, I was fine.

Asha didi had woken me up in the evening and served tea in my room. She had after sometime picked up a dehydrated me and sat me next to her open sky tillage stove.. It was a huge deal. If “that” had come up/out in open; I would have been stoned away from that place. I owe her too- a very big time.

She had not let me cook that night. I had eaten egg curry and some rice for dinner.

This is exactly when I had felt that some super natural power was indeed watching me over. One that had left me un- affected through all calamities..

How could I get affected so soon? There were lot many “accidents” that were to happen..

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind, Our Society and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Errors in Trials of My Survival

  1. Pingback: Part- I Trying to Change My Destiny again | Olivia's Life Instances..

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  3. Sophie says:

    I don’t know how have you managed to come through this…and I now understand why you were bitter towards life at a couple of more instances when we had just met in Baxy…

  4. mangoesntangoes says:

    Olivia, it sounds like you were in India when all this took place. I’m so sorry for what you went through. I can relate to the many things you have written to a certain extent but we all react differently to any given situation. I hope you have the healing and forgiveness so that you can truly enjoy life from here on out.

  5. Olivia says:

    One another thing-
    I deal with the things in a little different manner. I believe- to forget all; one needs to come to terms with his/her past in an un- apologetic way.
    Two ways of dealing with the (ugly) things
    One- avoid. Takes no time.
    Two, become indifferent. Takes very long. But the results are amazing.

    This is how I look at it now- devoid of any emotion- anymore.

  6. John E Tripp says:

    Still hurting? What bothered you the most Olivia? Yes you were 19 and still a child. Do your people look down on you for this? (pregnant at 19) This story is sad and I would never want to comment of what if or what was. This is your book and diary of your past and to hold on to this mentally has to be tough. You are so open about things in life! I fear admitting to some of my sorrows, I try to block them out. Thanks, John

    • Olivia says:

      It doesn’t hurt anymore.. I am completely indifferent now.
      My helplessness bothered me the most. Come to think of it- I had pushed them all far back- for all these years. Nobody was aware of this instance. Why the memories came- back will come up soon enough. As I have mentioned, I am writing to compile my biography. Let me try to stay as close as possible to the truth. There are still many images and feelings that float in my mind- they can’t be typed across. Maybe to compensate, I have chosen words that have uncovered the instances pretty blatantly.
      Keep the comments going- it keeps me going..

  7. Sampada says:

    It’s still very painful for me to read, I know how hard it must have been for you to write. Love you babes …

    • Olivia says:

      Ruby, had you been not around soon thereafter to pull me out, I won’t have been in a situation to mention all about it. What to talk of reading comments and replying to those without getting affected..
      I have been mis- read by almost everyone. Let them now read and decipher.

      Love you Loads too

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  11. Paras says:

    Agar ashq se bhi na samjhe koi mudda inka…
    …too iske aage majbur hain meri bezubaan aankhen…!

  12. ruchi says:

    speechless… eyes are wet ….

    • Olivia says:

      I am touched Ruchi.

      All through this while, I was grossly mis- understood. I am so blessed:
      1) I have all my friends back- ALMOST ALL OF THEM.
      2) They have extended the biggest support and understanding.

      You included.

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