Half hour has passed by since I posted the last one; I still feel awfully sad.
I have tried almost all the tricks.
- I have considered watching- porn.. dismissed.
- I had gone for a cold shower..
- Now wearing my light pink spaghetti frock.
Yet, no change.
While under shower, the fine drops fell on my face as if from a great height. I could feel my facial muscles becoming taut because of being pressed. I have never felt this way before. Same shower for the past one year now and made me feel so refreshed. But to no avail.
The water trickled down my skin losing all it’s force. I had pressed my palm against my abdomen. The droplets that pricked my face, ran into a stream through the middle of my breasts, becoming warm. It ran into a much tamed flow, when it fell on my palm. I sensed that stream as if it had lost all it’s strength while travelling down my body. It could not ease my tension though.
The same cold water spray that hit my face trickled down my body as if it had been sucked of its vigor. It was much smoother to feel on palm than how it felt on my face. Almost satiny. I had stood under the shower for little longer wanting to relish the “change” in the state of liquid only within a few seconds. It still could not change my mood.
Sulking..? Depressed..? Un- energetic..?
My boss had argued with me real nasty. But that was way back at 1.30pm. Anyways, that had not affected me at all. I had spent my day writing and clicking pics. Infact, I could finish my last post in one stretch- a rarity..!! Given the fact that all good things suffer a break before its bigger break; there were none this time..!! I was in the lightest of my moods laughing at my own silly behavior.
Then what is bothering me now..?
A lot of my friends had wanted to know why I am writing my Biopic Log. Maybe because I want to..
Or maybe I wish to emote.
We all do- don’t we? I had not- for years together now. I had saved my strength to fight it out when in the “situation”. I have not as much grieved as my things had been. Maybe, through writing, I am emoting..
This may not be the only reason. This may not be the best of the reasons. This may not be the actual reason.. Yet; I do re- live my experiences.
The humility still stares at me, wanting to know If I am embarrassed enough.
No, I am not.. Of all, I am proud. Whatever it is, however it has been, I am not ashamed of anything. I wish to state that whatever I have undergone, is completely within my conscience. I don’t wish to run off it. Neither do I wish to change anything.
I may be sour, but not ashamed. I have been, however I could be. I harbor no regrets. None. I am perfectly in love with my own self. May be even self- obsessed. At the very least, I can talk about myself holding my head high.. looking right into the eyes of the one wanting to “know”
So why this mood swing..?
Recalling of how all of my blood relations have proved the proverb wrong- blood is thicker than water..