I had made it firm- in my mind. I knew that that was the only logical conclusion; one that was practical and the only possible one. There wasn’t any other option available anyways..!!
Weighing all the pros and cons; I had worn my Batik sari and reached Ruby’s place. Chhabi had welcome me opening the door for me. She had exclaimed that I had lost. Of course I had.. Ruby and auntie had been arranging for open terrace lunch upstairs. It was winters in December. Ruby had been expecting me- introducing me to her elder sister, she had vanished. Maybe to meet Sanjay.
It didn’t seem that I met Sarita for the 1st time then. She was a mother of maybe 3 year old and looked better than any of us did; when in her age that she was back then! After asking if I was comfortable talking to her about my personal stuff, she had then wanted to know if I had made any sort of “commitment” to that Blotch. Just exactly how it was; I had replied. It didn’t matter even if I had made one- he wasn’t the guy that I would want to know even as a distant acquaintance. Hearing me, she had seemed relaxed. She had repeated her question again just to be sure if I knew what I was speaking of.
We gelled around well- too well.. Touchwood. Didi was everything that I had always sketched about her in my mind and even more. Looking back at that instance; I pay gratitude to my fate for making me meet my idol and not disappointed. If at all, I was lucky to have come across her.
Taking the conversation further, I had also shared my apprehension of settling down (read: getting married). I so felt that getting married was like getting out of one ditch only to step into another one. “Mess” is the word, I had used to describe that. She had agreed.
I had become so shy in an instant. I had lost my smile and vivacity. I had sat at one corner upstairs and not spoken to anyone..!! Strange!! So strange of me..!! This is a sure sign that I am trying to get out of a situation and that nothing else mattered to me.
I have always been a happy-go-lucky girl 😀 Almost always. Any time I have behave indifferent; I have been saving myself to get healed. I giggle so much that anyone watching me would bet his life that I could be as serious as a dead man talking. My friends would stamp it. Ruby had seemed happy. Her eldest sister had talked good about me. For 1 big year, I had stayed in inferior conditions– much shameful to the core; but wasn’t affected a bit.
Didi had known well how to handle an emotional wreck. She had asked all questions that you would when dealing with your teenage sibling while making her see that how her present boy- friend was best left alone. I had to assert a few times that I was no ways involved with him emotionally.
Why was I to be? I’ll take crap from someone who fends for me- supporting me. Not from some un- educated lout who couldn’t stand his own state of being. Blotch had only needed someone to be dependent upon. He wasn’t favored at his parental home either. Who would? I would have felt guilty “conspiring at his back” if he had behaved a man enough earning his own finances to begin with.
The next morning, I had talked over with Ruby in the kitchen. Thats where there washing unit is now, before re-doing their house. I had discussed my apprehensions of getting married. In verbatim; Ruby I’ll do whatever you want me to, excepting getting married. For all these years, it had stayed in my mind as if I had given her a condition. After going through my own fateful marriage “deal”; I believe I had only tried to delay my Destiny. Good that Hemant was my own choice- I would have lost Ruby forever otherwise.
It was decided then that I looked for a decent earning job. Change my place of residence and out of Trans- Yamuna area. No Blotch, no masi, no uncle, no friends- none following me down.
After my stay for a couple of days, I had gone back. Blotch had heaved a sigh of relief! He had not known that that was a facade put up for him to get mis-guided. I had tried to talk to him about a few things. Like changing the place of residence, looking for a job and I changing my name. He couldn’t even pronounce it- much less approve it. Oh yes, he lived under an impression that He need to approve of everything for me. Whatever..!!
Ruby had suggested I did that. I had at once agreed. My mom had always wanted me to be Olivia and not “my previous name”. With the help of that slight nudge, I had morphed into my mom’s daughter completely. I had changed my signatures, my introduction and my identity.
Even so, when none of them were around me to prove my legality. That I am a human and a woman was denied many a times. People, relationships, associates and everyone else around have always wanted to know everything about me. After hearing they have silently backed off; often back stabbed too.
My travel wasn’t going to be anymore easier. With my kind of strict adherence to disciplines; I was just about to make my Life even more thorny. As a rose dwells amidst the thorns and sits pretty spreading it’s sweet fragrance around; I had then decided to use every stone as a stopple of opportunity. To use all of those to my advantage and move UP.
I was stepping into a live arena, where I had to stay up at nights too. I had to watch my back all times because no one dared to come at face. (all puns intended) Once they ejaculated, that’s when I had given them a doze of Indifference. One that they would never be able to come to terms with.
I am a thunder- I have been lightning..
I am roaring and now reaching..
It doesn’t matter who I strike..
‘coz once I do, I’ll claim his Life..