Killing myself over- Almost

Disclaimer: Please proceed reading this post at your own risk. The contents of this post maybe distasteful and invoke depression. The choice of words have been well thought of. The image is as on Site.


I had needed some shots of Vodka to write this one. Not drunk really, but get as much close to my ownself. I tend to become alert after a couple of drinks. My mind works as if it were of a genius’.
I want to stay true. I so do not wish to accuse anyone, or be at all sympathetic to my own self. I wish to depict the event as it had happened; and in no other way.


Meeting Rajat at Saket, I had analyzed him within a few seconds. He was yet another loser, wanting a respite in a strong woman. My single name and missing father’s name were enough- to tell anyone smart, how I was. His communication skills were excellent. To keep up the trend of handsome boyfriends; he resembled Vivek Oberoi. He had floated an option of staying together.

hahahaha..!! @%#&^%@##@

I wonder- did I look like such a fool that I were to get into an arrangement, where I would be at a complete loss? I had not needed any more support. Ruby had jumped in, without any conditions; why had I needed anyone? Money? He had none.

He had heaved a big sigh wanting to know how I was planning to carry on. He was taken aback when I had discussed my strategy. He could not believe a word of it. May be I was too fast for him.

I had wanted a committed relationship. Or none. Anyways, I had different plans in my mind.

I have always been a traditional woman. Wanting my man to be my provider. If I were to work to slog for a decent salary; what is that man good for? If at the end of the day, I have to struggle to meet my ends- I don’t want that man. I would be better off left alone.


My days in Siddharth were numbered. I had only a few days to act upon. I knew Kamal Kalra was somewhat infatuated. I had called him up again. I was very right about that fact. Even though that was a formal “exchanging pleasantries” call, he had again expressed his desire to meet me. This time round, I had agreed to.

I knew where it was going. I also knew what it would have led to. Then again, I had wanted that to work in my favor too..

He was yet another middle aged man. He looked either bored with his life or not really appreciative of what he had. His wife Rachna was a sweet lady. She conversed fluently in English. She had struck a good rapport with me on phone. Yet, it seemed Kamal wasn’t happy. Not that his unhappiness was any more justified.

I guess I had met him at ITO somewhere. I had boarded his black Cielo, stepping into an episode, which I had not been able to take in my stride for long.

Infact, up until now.

That I am writing about it today, has taken enough thoughts, retrospection, brooding and fighting with my ownself.

Kamal had taken me to someplace in Faridabad. Of course, we had indulged. I had carried my make- up too. I had as if foreseen that I would have to scrape off that applied bit and re- do the smudged part again. Since it was a hotel- room, I had showered before applying make- up.

It wasn’t as simple as I have written here. He seemed to be too unhappy with things he owned. A lovely educated wife, a good business and a high- end life. I  had clearly told him that I had needed money. He had given me a couple of thousands and promised the rest soon.

I had gotten myself dropped at Saket. Rajat was to meet me there. He had snatched my hand- bag to check if what I said was true. There- those bundles of notes lay peacefully in my brown bag. I had not wanted to spend anymore time with him and gotten up to go home.

I had become more like a statue. No emotions or feelings had bothered me. Upon reaching home, I had picked up that packet, Rajat had handed me to pass that to Ranu. That evening seemed the right time to meet new people. I was told that I could also hand that over to Anjum- her room mate.

Anjum had always been out for her dance- classes. That evening, I had met her eventually. A young girl even more beautiful than Preity Zinta, had stood right before my eyes. In her affectionate tone she had wanted to know my reason of dropping by. I was so lost, watching a beautiful girl with waist length open hair, that I had fogotten everything that had happened throughout the day. She had with so much of affection held my hand and pulled me inside her room. Keeping that packet aside, she had wanted to talk about everything to strike an immediate friendship. I was mesmerized with her innocence and simplicity. Not only that, she had wanted me to stay over for the night too. She had made me go over to my place, change and reach back to eat dinner together and talk till late and sleep, sharing the same blanket. She is one sister I could never have.

She also stayed in Vijay Nagar in the next building to that of mine. She danced very well. She was a trained Kathak dancer. She sang equally well. Her effervescence had made me forget my pain as if that had never happened. At nights, we would snuggle into the same blanket, as sisters would and give in to oblivion.

We had often spent our evenings singing classical or dancing. It was after meeting this girl that I came aware that I could dance too. Till then, signing had remained my forte. I had met Ranu a couple of days later. We had bonded well too. I had hardly gone to my place thereafter. I spent my evenings and nights with them.

At Siddharth, I had resigned. But not before meeting Ms. Reeta Dikshit. She is the daughter of JaiPrakash Gaur. It seemed that she was somewhat aware of the issues.- through Mansi. My speaking with her had affirmed all the rumors she had been hearing about the telemarketers. Telepower India P Ltd, the marketing consultancy was put under the spotlight soon.

I had managed to take my salary check too. A couple of days later, I had called up Deepak and spoke to him. I had learnt, if Ajay was to be reached; it was through Deepak. As my fate would have it, a mini argument had sparked up with Niharika, the day I had gone to collect my last pay- check. She had felt, as if I had ignored her the 1st time she had looked my way.

It was she, who ignored us considering us lesser mortals. For all that it was, it was only my hesitation that had made her think otherwise. I had anyways given her a piece of my mind and walked out leaving the telemarketing room of 8th floor at VC gaping at my words.

Handa had cried and sniffed. His patented farewell to all employees. He had apologized for his words and behavior. I so not cared anymore. I had become resilient over the weekend. I had worn my white satin silk with brown and orange abstract pattern print sari. I had made them believe that I had managed to look for an alternative.

Reality was far from it.

I had met Kamal a few days later. In total, he must have given me 10,000 odd bucks. He had wanted the affair to continue. For me, it wasn’t an affair. It was a business deal. To hurt myself both well and bad; I had not wanted to meet him again. I had made that episode look to me as if I had been a one- time …

Ruby had not known a word of it; neither had Ralhan.

I had needed money. It was the need of that hour; that’s how I had treated it. I didn’t want an affair where a man would have no time for me. I would have respected him more if he had not indulged into what he had with me. But then, that’s how men are. He had wanted to see me and I made him pay a hefty price.

You readers may conclude as many things as may strike your mind. To me, it was a plain business. Had this man expressed even a bit of feelings; I may have considered staying in. All I had, was one shot. I hit it and came out with what I had needed. I could have been left bare handed. But that’s where I had won. I bet, you readers may not have pointed out on me- as many times, if I had let this affair carry on. Of getting used up- again and again till it had sagged in me..!!

That’s where I have been battling with my ownself.

I had gone out to meet a man. I knew he was interested in me. I had only half hour to analyse if he would be able to help me with what I had wanted. Whatever happened in that 1 meeting, in return of cash, was a pure business to me. He was looking for easy make out, out of marriage- that’s it. I had only needed some help- that’s that. Sleeping with him was not as tough, as realizing that I was not cut up for such affairs. One time or carry on- either ways..

I was getting a rich business man- ready to dote on me- I had simply turned him down.

Once I had received what I had wanted.

Had I become so mechanic?

It’s by God’s grace that I have never gotten any time to sit and brood about it- until today. Miracle again..!!!

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind, Our Society and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Killing myself over- Almost

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  4. frayedges says:

    I wouldn’t fret over this one. We all have our deep dark secrets. You are not the only one to have done something like this, and some of us have done worse. It’s all in how you process it at the end of the day.
    Loads of love!

    • Olivia says:

      Yeah My Dear Lisa.. you are just so right. My disability maybe, I had never wanted any relationship under pretensions and that’s where such instances hit me.. It wasn’t as bad then- as it is being now.. Men, they all want to stay clean of a woman like me.. Then again- they are exactly the ones who make me as As I Am..!!
      Loads of Lovies right back at you.. xoxox

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  6. I wanted to say something that praised your writing without coming off as laughing a little with what you say. My whole life, I have been waiting simply for a gal to admit she’s only in it for the money (I have none, so don’t worry) and here you told a true story and said it. I’m not sure there is a useful colloquialism I could use that would work in terms of understanding, but let me say you got cojones. That plus the title are both very brave. Thanks for posting, your stories write a bright picture of life lived. You make the world a little less mono-chromatic. Anyway enjoy reading your site.


    • Olivia says:

      My Dear Crb,

      This was one of those ugly stances that I wasn’t sure of how readers would have taken. I had managed to stay alive through most of the difficult times..
      Either- ways, it’s tough. That one time has remained in my mind in the way I have written it here. For him- it was an affair. For me, it a Deal. A one time Deal. Although it had been fine with him- seemed he was ready to spend, it didn’t seem fine to me. I wouldn’t drag morals and ethics yet.

      At the end of the day, I am thankful to my fate that whatever I had done was as I had wanted to; no one could force me to get used. Circumstances were tricky and I had come out of those staying un-affected..

      Warm Wishes

      • Perhaps I was unclear. This is a mean, fucked up, tortured world for most of us. Trust me, we ALL have to do things we don’t wanna do if we wanna keep breathing. I thought it was very brave of you to share the story, not bad. Also – circumstances are always tricky. Keep your head up, it can always be worse than it is. Hopeful cynicism is the only way to go in a world like this. Keep up the great writing.


        • Olivia says:

          Oh yes Dear Friend- it was crystal clear.. I loved every single word that you put up there.. That detailed one if as if for my readers to get the message even more clearly..

          Thank you again..

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