I want to Break Free

I had turned into a recluse- Blogging has pushed me back to Life. I don’t vent, I communicate. Beyond words, relationships and limitations, i.e., It’s my mind talking out loud in open. Let everyone comment. The good ones make me feel better. The nasty ones (not many really) make me tougher. Adding to my endurance, tolerance and my ability to answer back.

Even while typing this one out, I am constantly answering my mails and chats. Fellow Bloggers, New Joinees, Queries.. I wonder; if I ever be able to achieve a state of solidarity- chances are slim. Maybe my Computer does read my mind. It doesn’t let me stay confined. It seems strange now; how I had closed myself for the last 3 years… I have blog friends beside my other friends (from my childhood, school) connected with me. I have been sailing through extremes, either a crowd; or just me.

It’s 7.30 in the morning. Pretty unusual for me to be tapping keys and making posts!! I have had troubled times and yet, have slept snoring (I do like a cat- mom would say, a light sound expressing content). Last night, I couldn’t.

It’s been 3 nights now..

I am fighting back my tears. Failing as I had late last night. And the night previous. Had I seen it coming? Yes, I had. And the confusion? Yes, that included. What am I thinking? Or wanting to..?

I am a die- hard optimist. Almost pushing things, when they look impossible to be achieved the most. I am at a point again where I am pondering upon why things keep circling around? Is it that they test my ability to keep myself detached… or is it because they want to get attached?

The two cyclical conclusions that I reached

  • Things that are not meant to be would never happen. No matter how many times they emerge. It is tough to stay indifferent- but I do tend to become, if forced to and darn cold at that.
  • Explore all possibilities before calling quits or becoming indifferent. Infact, never ever wait for any second or any other “better” opportunity. That never comes by :-/

After a series of ugly chain events, i.e., after breaking away from my dead marriage; I had as if stepped into a live arena. Instead of sorting things out and breathing, I had landed myself into yet another tricky space. As I write this here, I look back and realize, not even a single time it has been hassle- free. Never.

It’s a package deal- I guess.

If that’s been the trend, then why fussing over now? I have been a caring one, and yet indifferent- often rude. No it’s definitely not Love- certainly not. Or is it?

Nopes. It can’t be. Then again..

Apparently, I take things as they come- yet, it’s been very long that I have used my mind so much- thinking about a possibility that could be or .. At this point in time, I am wanting to break a pattern. A strange pattern that I have been forced to live even though that I had not wanted to step into. Is it asking me to stop? Or rush?

Let’s put it this way: I stay in a golden (and not gold) cage, completely secluded. Stranded. Almost suspended. I wish to fly out. Flap my wings, ruffle my feathers, flutter around, look for a mate.. Yeah that too! Pigeons are blessed. They get into a relationship, make eggs and fly away only to look for another mate yet again, the next breeding season.

No hard feelings, no attachments, no “you broke my heart by saying this”, absolutely no expectations, no taking for granted. They are birds in the very essence of the definition. They fly and fly away. Wonder, why don’t confusions creep in when they have multiple relationships in their life- time? Because they follow rules. Giving 100% to the current one- till it lasts.

Maybe, that’s the primary reasons of I closing in. To avoid confusions as far as possible. I believe, it’s too much to pay in return. It costs the relationship eventually. You either fight it-out right- staying indifferent or else just don’t step in.

I know how to fly away– I only wish to fly now.

I’m making my attempts…

..

Advertisements

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to I want to Break Free

  1. Pingback: Denouement | Olivia's Life Instances..

  2. Jamie Dedes says:

    This is a place we have all been, Olivia … so you see we do survive, come up for air, move on. Takes time. Wonderful that you face it, define it, question it, write it … I think you will move through faster for that, though you may still have to sit with it for awhile. It’s part of growing up.

    Some marriage surve a purpose for awhile, run there course, and that’s all they were ever meant to do …

    Hugs! xx

    • Olivia says:

      Super Hugs to you too.. xox
      That marriage is long over- and maybe that’s the reason why I have such situations to handle.. Constantly wanting to achieve a super- stability.. hahaha- pretty tricky. I won’t have fretted about that marriage- If at all it had been one for even a day.. Yet, I am contented. Paradox!!

  3. Pingback: Standing at a Cross- Road | Olivia's Life Instances..

  4. thypolarlife says:

    I’ve gone through something similar, in regards to my writing. Writing and blogging has been somewhat therapeutic I think. It has helped me to keep contact with things I was pushing away. great post.

    • Olivia says:

      Yes My Friend.. If pursued passionately, it does heal.
      Thanks for connecting with it..! It is magical how it makes us feel so good. It’s as if facing your own demons all by yourself losing them in the process..

      xox

  5. buttercup600 says:

    You are a very special lady and many feeling you describe, I have experienced at some stage of my life too…the fact that you can put it in writing, sets you apart from many of us…..you will shine like a star my girlfriend..that much I know!! Biggest hugs always….so are rising to the top!!! I love you xxx

    • Olivia says:

      Mandies.. I love you too.. This one happens to be my mind- very personal and delicate, still traveling..!! I am blessed to have you around. Yours words on this one is making me feel better already.. I am floored about the stars and the shining part of it.. 😀
      I have always wanted to write. In a way, I have wanted to be able to express my mind, re- visiting my experience while typing and then putting it across for all times and for everyone to read. As in, coming back to it again and again.

      Loads of hugs to you too.. I love you too sweetheart.. 😀 xoxoxox

  6. Punam says:

    Olivia, olivia! I just want to hug you.. I so understand what you are going through. You’ll find a stamp of your own self in my blog. I broke away from a dead marriage too. Suffered a lot, cried a lot.. but hey, I survived. You will too. You will break free too, with those golden wings that God will present you with one day and you will soar the skies, as a recipient of true love. BELIEVE ME, you will find your true love.
    There is always a reason why things don’t end as you want them to, coz you deserve better. Trust in this.
    ~Hugs, Punam

    • Olivia says:

      Loads of Hugs right back at you Punam..
      Of course that bitter experience is over.. I am now into a Golden- cage.. wanting to break away from that too.. Desires- they never end..
      Wanting a betterment never ceases.. Becoming vegetable- like is not Me..

      Glad you are doing well 😀 I certainly know how it is and what all it takes..

      I am blessed you came across to make me smile. I am still occupied though!! Loads of best wishes Sweetheart.. xox mwaaahsssss

  7. Slamdunk says:

    Well written post. You do a good job with reflection–you know your self way.

  8. Pingback: I, Me, Myself | Olivia's Life Instances..

Say something..

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s