My being passionate, strong- willed and determined; was tested time and again. I would have been lost, getting crushed along with the dry leaves years back. It was only due to my being adamant to stay alive; that I have survived till now.
Loads of fallen Relationships (both blood and others), a broken marriage and loads of criticism is all I have earned so far. The day I wrote the 1st post is still vivid to me. I had decided to write my biography since long; but wasn’t sure how to put all the ugly events across. It was like battling with my own self. I wasn’t sure about how the readers would react. It was also about how I would go back in time to re- live my experiences and stay true to my feelings while writing them here.
Here, I have reached to share an incident not known to anyone. I had shared this with Ruby after years. As I said, the apprehension was more within myself trying to understand the sequence, instead of feeling embarrassed or anything else. I have not only written it across, but also have let go of it.
I feel; I am doing myself a huge favor by letting go of all that I had held in me. Having said that I feel as if I am a young girl. Naive, untouched and grinning.
I don’t “vent out”. I take hours to type the precise words. Instead; I share. Why with everyone? Because I have no- one. Isn’t that pretty simple to understand? Definition sets the limitations. I am not bound by any relationships; hence, not bound. I live a very quiet Life. This is how it has been- lonely, silent and haunting. Now, I only scream.. until the audience go deaf hearing to my crooning. It’s not a song I wish to sing to entertain- I wish croon and scare.
Hearing me out, my 1st crush nearly had crushed me. Leaving me stranded- exactly when I had needed someone to hold upon to get out of that dead- lock relationship; he had “escaped”. That marriage was dead the very day itself and I was locked into it.
My days of keeping worried, to write about, are over.
After having written cards for others’ boyfriends, love- letters to my boyfriend (my ex- spouse); I am now trying to put across my failures, desperation and experiences- in form of writing. I know how to beautify and maybe even morph. Precisely why, the posts that were not at all so sweet, are the maximum traffic generators.
My ability to write, makes me a Winner..!!
This is My Life. Something that I am leading still. If I have survived the stances, I can talk about them as well. To the point of getting criticized or even judged. I so not care about it. Just why at all should I hesitate or feel embarrassed? If at all, it should be them, who created this mess- I so embrace as my Life- who should be.
33 is no age; yet, I feel I have just lived my Life. I have been feeling this since I was 15.
I maybe an emotional one at the core. Yet, I don’t express. I don’t want to show how vulnerable I am.
- Amn’t I too a human and a woman at that?
- Amn’t I supposed to be the fair sex and tender at heart?
- Or is it that I haven’t remain one after going through all that I have?
The rolling of the experiences are still on.
Each time I stop to breathe, pondering about how to write or express- I am hit in my face again.
- Readers’ Questions..
- Their Reactions..
- Both Amusement and Amazement..
It so happens that that hit pushes me to write on. To step forward and type all the veracities I have been through. I may not be the only one to be taking it. But I am one of those very few people, who talk to themselves looking at the mirror each time they feel demotivated. Facing my ownself; questioning, confessing and analyzing.
Here, I stand again- watching myself. Feeling happy about exactly a “not so happy” stance. That I was able to take it again; meant I am healed. I have learnt my way to get pricked and use it to produce words. This time round, a jolt has so prepared me mentally that I am on my way to come out of my state of helplessness (read: my current phase). It feels nice to have been able to attain yet another level of Indifference.
I am not at all ashamed or embarrassed of the things that have happened to me. However, people, after knowing about those do still shy away. I so fail to understand- if they were the people who called me strong; why couldn’t they rest on me letting me fight out yet again? Isn’t that how dependence work?
You would have to step up to feel elated. Likewise, you would have to dive in, to feel the depth. My situations, circumstances and my treating them in certain manner; constitute my experiences. I don’t stand bow headed cursing my fate. I love to take things in my stride. Maybe that’s why I feel stronger. I step right on them coming out of that deep mess.
That’s what I am doing with my words. I am resting on them, letting them make it up for the lost years in time. I am aware of the magic that words create. By writing about all, the spell has been cast..
I am now waiting for my World to become Wonderful!!