Invoking the Goddess’s Divinity in Me

Introduction: Mahishashura Mardini (Annihilation of Mahisasura), a collection of verses and songs broadcast by All India Radio, Calcutta (now Kolkata) at 4 am, in the dawn of Mahalaya.
Birendra Krishna Bhadra (1905 – 1991) was an Indian broadcaster, playwright, actor and theatre director from Kolkata, and a contemporary of Pankaj Mallick and Nazrul Hasan. He worked for the All India Radio, India’s National Radio broadcaster for several years during its early, starting 1930s, and during this period he produced and adapted several plays.
Today, he is most known for his soaring Sanskrit recitation through a two hour audio program.
I take all pride to note that Birendra Krishna Bhadra was born in August too.. 😀

~*~*~

It’s been years that I have been losing something every October.. At times more than I could spare –

  • Mom,
  • My Home,
  • Relationships..

Is it in the process of relieving me of all the worldly attachments possible? Then again, I am only a mortal and not Divine yet!!

October had taken my only relationship possible worth calling one:

No-Moon-Night

I have been awake since 3.30am this morning. I hear the Direct Telecast of “MahishasurMardini” still. The original program has ended now at 5.30am. I had wanted to go back to sleep while it was dark- it is still dark. I am unable to think of hitting the bed again. Locating the cassettes I had bought a few years back, I am hearing the recital on my Sony walkman again. Oh, I had bought this walkman primarily to hear this alone- headphones sticking to my earlobes and not letting any other sound distract for that one and half hours.

While straightening the walkman wires, I recall how mom used to give me the jumbled wool balls lying entangled for years. I would sit patiently, untangling the wool strings for hours, without breaking the cord giving her back the wool balls to knit. I would sit to open the knots, releasing the clump of different wool strings. I must have been all of 5 years, when I had done that the 1st time. Atleast that’s where I can go back upto! However, the fact remains that I have not been able to figure out- how to undo the massive tangle (read: my Life) that Divine has created for me to work upon. It seems it would last my Lifetime and yet stay closely knotted. It doesn’t add to the amusement that the cords I have been given to unravel are myriad colors :-/

Mahalaya brings some very ugly memories back to my mind..

It was in October ’96 that I was forced to leave my home. I was made to stand on the road. I was compelled to literally hit the road, packing up my existence and whatever little of self- respect was left in me. I had heard the same Mahalaya recital- the morning I had morphed into a street- walker.

Thrown Out of My Home

Whatever all has happened ever since has changed my perspective and outlook towards Life and also in general.

It pains me no more to write here that ever since I had only been judged, commented and accused of. By all and everyone for the things that have happened to me. What business does anyone have to leave me deprived of my future since something may have happened in my Past? If so moved, I dare all concerned that they make amends- by taking a step today, towards my betterment and stop me add any more to my Past.

It is quite easy to assess a sorted out tabulated data adding a conclusion to it. Why can’t they step up to prevent any more damages by assessing the assorted crude facts given? I don’t wish to call them spineless even- they don’t deserve any mention at all.

Why do they forget that my Past Stance happened because someone just like them had acted as much carelessly, as they themselves are now- in the Present Stance. Maybe, I should really close myself- allowing no one to peep inside and pass judgements. They would anyways move away knowing about me. Just where were they when such Past Stance were being created?

If you choose to shrug saying I wasn’t aware of what was happening then; be a man enough to accept what can’t be changed anyways. Your choice of awarding importance to something unchange-able just establishes the fact that you won’t have acted back then even. Strong words? How mellowed is your judgement about me- Sweetheart??

Today happens to be yet another Mahalaya morning in October. Sitting crying is certainly not the best way to start a morning. Then again, I don’t have anything to smile about. I cry not because of what has happened; but because of what is happening. Whoever says, we should Forget Our Past; please contact me.

I am waiting to see.. who proves out to be stronger this time-

  • Is it My situations taking away more? I have none to spare now.. Excepting Indifference.
  • Or my ability to give up even without registering the loss? Again; Indifference.

I out-dare this month- this year, on Mahalaya morning, to try and hit me again..

~*~*~

Maha- Amavasyar Ei Probhate, Aami Apnara Shobai Ke SHUBHO MAHALAYA Janai..

“In this morning of an auspicious New Moon, I wish you all a very Favorable Mahalaya..”
The Image is a handi- craft created by the author herself

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind, Our Society and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Invoking the Goddess’s Divinity in Me

  1. Pingback: Ground in thoughts | Olivia's Life Instances..

  2. dan says:

    The past has given you strength and fire. You are now a steel magnolia with a soft heart. Cry, be a woman, but I can feel your inner strength and see it in your words.

    • Olivia says:

      Dan, I am amazed.. How well you have read me here..!! Things haven’t been really fair at my end! That said, I laugh like a clown often. The 1st image people conceive of me as is a Happy-go-lucky one; it’s only later do they realize the transversity..!!
      Thanks a bundle.. I am kind of getting inspired reading your words here 😀
      I am glad you stopped by making my Writes worth a read and two 😉
      Happy Fall My Dear xox

  3. trisha says:

    a very heart tugging post olivia. well i always cry when i hear mahalaya, just because of the passion which oozes out of Birendra Krishna Bhadra, he is so immersed in love and devotion that tears roll out of the listener’s eyes too.

    well, crying is birth right of every woman, and tears soothe us more than any thing else. i never resist my tears, i dont share them with others but when i have to cry- i cry as long as i feel like crying.

    • Olivia says:

      I so agree with what you have said here Trisha. The passion creates so much of emotions that one’s bound to feel charged up. Tears being the most emotional expression of feelings.. we cry!! This is how legends are created- to rule till eternity..

      Woman and crying- yes, that’s their territory!! Same thing- I don’t share my tears too..!! But I cry a lot.. 😀 😀 😀 Crazy Me..
      xoxox

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  6. tasithoughts says:

    Powerful. The strength of a woman reborn.

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