Grudges Gone

Two days later and after a couple of Vodka shots; I suddenly hit a conclusion. Make that 2.. and darn neat ones at that.. Having reached this milestone, I feel relieved and very much Thankful to mom.

How she fought it against My Destiny!

I have been exploring the Karmic relevance of all that happens to us, since a longtime now. Things that happen to us- those that we have to accept- no matter what. There were these 2 things that I had held against my mom. Yeah- she. Not anymore.

I just “stumbled upon” BodhiRose a couple of days back. While reading her words and studying her Blog Template, it appeared to me that the author is spiritually awakened. Conversations, thoughts and views were exchanged in form of comments and replies. A travel towards exploring My Ownself is now furthered- I feel.

It’s only a miracle how we discussed our “common” spiritual teacher Swami Yogananda through our Blogs. It was soon thereafter that I kept occupied thinking of- how I keep meeting the Saint again and again through his books and fellow followers. Although reading his Biography was forbidden, I have read that twice over. My mom thought I would renounce the world reading him. LOLsss. Actually, she may be damn right!

I believe it was only after having met this Regale Lady that I reached these conclusions.



Mom had insisted that I change my school from GFPS to LIS when I was 13. It was after being pressed for 2 complete years that I had given in. A big confusion at my school, Himanshu’s cold response thereafter and my dad’s abandonment; that had finally made me say a reluctant Yes.

I studied in a Public school. My uncle didn’t want to spend a huge fee as compared to a Government aided school fee! Studying in that Public school would have ensured some friends, nice teachers, loads of extra curricular activities that I was good at, besides my academics, better environment- that school being a co- education one, and definitely higher grades. I am at peace now- but feel that I have missed out on growing up with friends and boys. Actually, I have missed out on my childhood much rudely; given the situations that had thrown themselves on me.

I had held it against mom how I was made to shift my school.

My latter school didn’t arrange for Transport for students from Trans- Yamuna/East Delhi side. I traveled in Public Transport bearing all the ogling eyes at a teenager- sometimes even brushing themselves against her. That anyone who did so was blatantly slapped, is a freakingly different story!!

I come from a pretty sheltered family. I was almost over-protected. I couldn’t light up as much as a match, till I was 14! Cooking in kitchen was completely barred. If I hadn’t traveled in such pathetic conditions, I would have not learnt about Life’s hardships. What was the hurry- anyways? Excepting that I didn’t get enough time to even ask about it!!

I was put in an all girls school. I got to learn about women! Good that I did. I got to deal with a couple of real mean ones soon enough. You mind I calling them mean? Well, both of those women had forced me out of my home. There were another few who I had to pay to- to balance my Karmas.

I met Sampada

I would have not survived if it wasn’t for her. She had been to me, my all blood relationships put together. She is not related to me except for in our Lives. She has been what all of them together could have been. It isn’t for nothing that I have stood her up on a pedestal.

Studying in GFPS would have given me innumerable friends- some of which are again connected with me in my FB profile after all these years. However, I wouldn’t have earned Ruby. I wouldn’t have met my shadow. She has been exactly that and much more. I wonder if anyone else could do as much as she has. She has been my biggest critic- yet, making me believe in all that I do!

She has raised the bar of calling someone as a friend to a greater level. Just as my mom spoke about friendships. She always said that friends happen after an age- and they don’t happen by the terminology. It’s with passage of time that you realize that someone is being that.

How Right..

Sanjukta happened to Me

We weren’t close friends when studied in LIS together. I happen to meet her in April this year. Practically after some 15 years. It is to her that I started writing again. That I blog is to her.

After speaking with her on phone; I had felt moved. She had not insisted a word, but I had already read her Blogs by then. We were connected on Orkut! There were some more cues those were pressing and pointing me towards writing.

A lot of stability I have gained emotionally through writing. Anyone who does, would appreciate the fact. I am not an ace writer yet; or even one- to begin with. That I have always aspired to be, is definitely what I wish to state. I used to write. Thanks to my uncle- that I couldn’t pursue my hobby. May I say, my “Talent” here..?


Himanshu had posted a letter to me soon after I had changed my school. Mom had certainly not appreciated. She had acted scared that perhaps Him would “kidnap” me and … ALAS..!! If only he had the b*lls to. Mom had blown that out of proportion and had never let me see the letter in original. Unless I discovered that hidden one in mom’s absence one day. I had met Himanshu only a couple of days back then. I was dead sure of the fact that he couldn’t have written anything to upset anyone- much less a parent. He wasn’t aggressive- simple..!

The contents of that letter was– where have you gone missing? I had so wanted to talk to you. I have spoken with my chachaji (uncle); he has kind of agreed to support us. I had kept waiting at the playground for your bus to arrive everyday and don’t know why you didn’t come. All I want is you to be back in my class. Please comeback.. waiting for you. Himanshu.

Loving.. eh? Hopeless..!!

Good that mom had not let me read that letter. It wasn’t worth a read or any attention- much less mine. Him had failed me just too many times soon thereafter. Even after having being grown up, he has acted as if still in some primary school. The encounter that had left me drab is yet to come. I have kept it waiting on purpose– Now that I have already mentioned just how many times he had run away (in My Life Instances); I’ll make a detailed mention of our that particular “meeting”.


As I write this- I have balanced another set of Karmas by letting go of 2 major grudges. That and also this I don’t carry any bitter note anymore for my mom. That said, I have a huge edition that I need to make in what I have already written about this earlier. I feel very liberated and free. The “logics” have made me see how mom had only tried to secure my future. She succeeded.

It’s My turn now to achieve..

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
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8 Responses to Grudges Gone

  1. Pingback: I, Me, Myself | Olivia's Life Instances..

  2. Bodhirose says:

    In many ways talking about something openly can help set us free from the shame that can sometimes accompany coming from those types of situations. I felt much shame when I was growing up and it took me a long time to share myself openly.

    Still, though, we have to be cautious about who we let into our lives too closely, there are many who will take advantage through manipulation–Trisha and I have discussed these things at length. She is a dear friend who I admire very much.

    I’m very glad to have met you, Olivia, thanks for opening your heart to me. 🙂

    Much love and peace…

  3. Bodhirose says:

    I agree–it really is important as to whose company we keep!

    Really, though, I wonder how meeting me helped you let go of these “grudges”–how did that happen–what shifted inside for you?

    I’m very happy for you… xoxo

    • Olivia says:

      It was so important for me to let go of those- I was wasting my energy holding futile grudges!!

      I completely believe that people around you compress and depress your thinking ability. I was in my retrospection mood after my drinks- 60ml only 😦 I am not a compulsive one.. 🙂 I sip when I am happy!! Never to mourn.. So after my drinks, I was thinking of how a dream made me do a Love Song and how that was for someone who had been a perfect example of being a spineless in real life.. I was going backwards thinking of Him and there- it banged my head hard.. No sooner I had opened up the tangles of the 1st one, the 2nd one also hit me.

      It had been right in front of my eyes- I had kept myself blindfolded.. Talking to you had cleared those cobwebs and I was able to see everything so brightly.. I so much believe that people around influence my Life- and so keep no Company at all. Only my Blog Friends because them being Like Minded. A very small portion like YOU and a couple of more have definitely touched my state of being. I would write about that in detail very soon now..

      I am so happy that we met.. I wish all the happiness for you.. xoxox

      • Bodhirose says:

        That’s fantastic–I’m very glad that somehow associating with me–even just this little while, has helped you.

        I look forward to reading more about your experience. And have read a little of your blog story and saw your beautiful home’s photos–you are a neat housekeeper like me! I will read more as I have time.

        Much love and many blessings always…

        • Olivia says:

          So will I Gayle.. I read a bit- I have a similar story- scarred childhood and then an ugly marriage as well.. I written all of that here- I mean why should I feel ashamed about sharing that? I have lived it- so if I have survived something- that can’t be shameful.. I have collected lot of criticism in the process- and am completely unaffected..

          Thankyou for appreciating mu Home.. only a little effort since this one is a rented apartment!! I am happy that you liked them.. 🙂

          Oh and I am greedy- I’ll be clung to you forever.. Reagrds and Love.. xxxx

  4. Bodhirose says:

    Well, Olivia, I am most honored that I have helped you come to some peaceful conclusions about some troubling times in your life. You are a very dear person who deserves the best that life has to offer.

    Swamiji has blessed us both by bringing us to meet each other.

    Much love and blessings always…
    Gayle xoxo

    • Olivia says:

      Gosh!! You said it all Gayle..
      I am so happy that we came together or else I would have remained so ignorant..

      That’s exactly why they say- it’s important what Company you keep..!!
      Thank you for your Blessing 😀 Would always need them in plenty.. xoxox

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