Not Worth Gambling With

Related story- Getting Rid of yet another Loser

I happen to bump into him yet again. This time around, I only concluded of exactly how I had conceived of him back then.

I had known him some 12 years back for a brief period of time. I had worked with him, reporting to him then. He seemed to be carrying a dying expression always and looked as if beaten up well or badly- maybe, whichever. Upon meeting him again a few weeks back; it seemed he was pressed- still. I had located him through FaceBook. He had instantly wanted to meet me. Really now, we hadn’t shared or even a cordial one that we should be meeting again. It showed that he had forgotten all about that. After half hour of discussion, he had brought over the things that seemed to be pushing him off the limits. I was so amazed at the fact that he could discuss such personal affairs, with me, meeting me the first time itself, after so long. It only spoke of his wavering attitude. He had given as many explicit details as it had taken. I had heard him patiently. His whining nature was showing through. Back then too, he had kept his cribbing nature up. No matter what precautions I took; I used to end up making mistakes. Something that never had and have happened to me, apart from those 4- 5 months, spent with him. We all undergo problems- each one of us in our own twisted pattern. It surely counts how we present it. Anyways, cribbing and yet keeping up with it, doesn’t go well together. Yet, that was him.

He had lost his first wife. I don’t really remember how. The first time I had met him was then. He was looking for a match for himself to settle down again. At work, he would keep telling me to settle down as soon as that was possible. I had not appreciated his intervening.

I was seeing his youngest brother then.

Now this gentleman did not know much about me- it really was not required for him to know either. He had absolutely no business to be commenting and pushing me about I getting married. I was 21 then; I did not need to hurry. Moreover, I was not keen to tie myself down since I had concluded a pretty ugly stay-in relationship barely a few months back then. Any man wanting to “settle down” with me had to be really different. Some one, who would understand me and my situations accepting the share of responsibility that I was and still am! You see how complicated it was and is actually? I had tried and failed to tell him to mind his own business.

Soon, he had married a woman who had split from her ex. Now, his real problems were to begin soon.

Whatever I am writing here is how he has made me understand. She was not very comfortable getting intimate with him. Maybe, after the entire trauma she had been through of witnessing her first husband to be a morally imbalanced one, she had changed her mind. He was not only abusive and torturous but was also sick in the mind. He would often indulge with others and outside his marriage, while she was around in the house. While the lady herself had shared these details with her second husband; she had also disclosed of her some girl to girl relationship, while she had stayed in her college hostel. So maybe, she had changed her orientation completely. Whatever the reason maybe, the reality is that today, both of them “pose” to be a man and wife and still hold no relationship as defined- in the books or otherwise. As explained by him- she is most comfortable with the idea of her husband to be making out with some other woman. She mocks at him and heaves a sigh of relief, when he probably gets into it- all by himself, how men do without a woman.

Here, was it really necessary to crib with explicit details to me?

He had made all efforts in talking out to him how she being a woman should be more interested in “penetrative” act. This is only how far I would want to share what all he had shared making his wife see his point. I mean, why at all? He lives in denial mode. He has not been able to appreciate his wife’s changed personality. Orientation or her mind; he has entrapped her making her conceive somewhat forcefully upon a counselor’s advise. I fail to understand how “bearing a child” would change someone’s attitude about getting intimate. Then again, who knows what the reality is! The fact remains that I met him and heard him crying (weeping included) about his marital Life and yet not wanting to make any change.

I had tried suggesting as much as I could think about; attaching a “disclaimer” that that is how I would have acted. Reason: I had never felt sure of him when I had worked with him, even back then. Also, it was him because of whom, I had quit that workplace. He was instrumental in playing up the role of screw- driver- instigating my superiors against me. How he thought that I did not know that. After reaching home- I had felt restless, highly uncomfortable. There were too many pointers for me to brood upon. Although I had not been actively thinking; I could just not be at peace either.

I could not ignore certain strong similarities with a few people I had met in the past.

• Whining- an ever lasting state of depression.
• A dark, moronic and beaten up expression.
• Wanting to look for a suitable match for me. The “insistence” was repeated this time too when we had met a few weeks back.
• And yes.. “crying” too..!! That’s right. I have failed to understand how a man can cry at the first meeting with a lady itself. I wasn’t his girlfriend that he was trying to bare it all to me. How tricky it becomes. Certainly, I was not to hold him or cajole him.
• Speaking, while staying ignorant of the fact that that is not how one speaks with a lady.
• Him wanting to know what I had eaten for lunch. I don’t believe this. How can a stranger really bother about my lunch palette..?
• A sardonic pattern of thoughts- “why me..?” (add a sad drawl and look of really well beaten up), “I am so unlucky..!!”
• Wanting to communicate via phone- I believe that a cell- phone is only a mode of communication. It is so not meant to lead a relationship or friendship or whichever ship you wish to sail on with someone.

We had met 2 days later again. This time round, I had talked about myself. He had wanted to confirm if I would have jumped into; if he had proposed me back then. I had replied honestly, saying a “Yes”. He seemed to have given a thought over what we had talked two days back. He had wanted me to look for someone for him. Really, why would not I utilize my time and efforts for “hunting” someone for my own self that way? He had been so insistent on I should settle down when I worked with him, that I had almost told him to open up his eyes on me. Obviously, he had said that I was desirable; he was looking for a match- he had wanted me to get along with some one- then why not himself? Anyways, I seem to be more matured 12 years back. I had looked through him.

I had wanted him to stop driving towards a certain destination, but I had not. That had been my first crush’s work-town. The memories had suddenly clouded my mind, asking me- if there were not enough signs for me to read that I was being so passive. That he was so not meant to be! I strongly believe that if something does not strike the first time itself; the chances are that they would never. Well, he had finally proposed me- wanting to know if I would love to gamble!!! My- my, a serious upstart..!! I had given in reluctantly. I definitely want to change the pattern I am stuck into. I want my things to become better than how they are in the current arrangement. Thinking on the same lines, I had decided to give him a try. Something had kept telling me that that was not going anywhere. He had wanted to try around while on the road. I am not a teenager. I have lived some serious affairs in my post- teens. Kissing around inside a car is such an insult to woman- hood. I so do not feel it necessary to prove myself about my desires or way of expressing those while on road. Seriously, I was so put off. I mean- we had hardly agreed to “gamble” and he had wanted to start a relationship right away, there and then- on the highway and while driving? Maybe he would have kept it at that; yet, why that too as well?

He had wanted to know about too personal things about me. To the point of getting irritated. I mean, if you were to initiate a relationship, would not you wish to know each other or explore and realize yourself; rather than asking monotonous questions? Let me try to explain it this way. You go to buy a frock for your friend’s little angel. You would- but have to be sure of her age, fit or choices before you stepped out to buy. However, would you do the same- while doing that for your best friend? Would not you want her to go and try the best outfits, before you quickly pay the bill while she maybe changing back? Coming home this time- I had given it a serious thought charting out the details as I have here. Nopes, this guy just didn’t seem to be fitting in. Yet, whenever I said that we need to talk- he would just slime his way (talks) past.

He was almost thrown off- balance when I had shared about my relationship with his youngest brother. Although the two of them never looked at each other straight; a fact known to me since back then, it seemed, it meant a world to him to get close to someone who was once happen to be fling past his brother. It was this behavior that made me go brooding deep. Perhaps, this is exactly how he is being to his wife too. Difficult, and not wanting to understand and appreciate the facts as they are in the reality. He had again preferred to lose an opportunity to start his Life afresh. Remember, it was him who had a problem with his current life situation?

He had shied away from meeting again- to even talk about that. However, his sardonic vernacular poetry had kept pouring in through FB messages. In the same manner how he had started “flowing” after my agreeing to- (no points for guessing) “gamble”. No exchange of greetings or pleasantries; but sadistic melancholic lines spilling more sadness than any Gothic text. I had tried replying, remaining as composed as possible. It seemed that he did not want to face it. A couple of days later, he had posted a video on my FaceBook messages. It was one of those junk forward that we never care to watch till end. I would rather read something informative- or my own Blog- should anybody say that I write crap. I too had sent him a link of my post through messages. This post talked about what had happened all those years back. Half hour (maybe) later, he called up in a very low tone. His voice had sounded brutally demanding. Really, Hats off to my courtesy that I had answered his call, despite having decided not to. He wasn’t keeping well- or so he had said yesterday. I had definitely exchanged pleasantries, asking him how he was. Oh f*ck those greetings. Why the hell had I posted up on his wall..?

That is it- even before I could explain that I had sent a link through messages as he had, he had snapped the call. Poor fellow, he did not know the “Home” in FaceBook would always show others’ status? Or was he viewing my “Profile”? Maybe he did not know how FaceBook works. My blog- posts auto- publish on my FaceBook profile too. Upstart I had said about him- remember? Or maybe that is the best he could think of to churn in some more moronity. I had tried calling him up to explain- he had disconnected me every single time. A sms had beeped saying that he was occupied. I had had enough by then. I did not wish to mother babies. I had then replied that he may choose to stay in that state for ever, for all I cared. I was done listening to his sardonic talks. A reply sms had beeped “Thanks (innumerable exclamation marks)” and “Bye (innumerable exclamation marks- again)”.. “Get the hell out of my Life..” End of chapter. That is the text I had sent- verbatim.

He had so typically reminded me of few people I had known at different times and in different relationships. He seemed to be always in a conflict with the people around him. Probably, he is to be left alone- till he realizes that that is how he should not be. He needs to come to terms with his realities or veracities if I may please. How he had failed to reconcile with his youngest brother. How making him his excuse, he had refused to live his Life again in a better manner. He is not only being punishing towards his own self but also has encaged the woman (his wife). He is only ruining his Karmas by holding on to “Histories” and letting go of a possible Present and the ability to create a better Future.

You may ask then why at all did I want to get into a relationship with him. My reply is that we only meet people to conclude unfinished business. Why else would I have met someone again after over a decade and under some what similar situation? Even after all these years the things between him and me seemed to have remained unchanged. He was upset about his Life- pattern even back then. I was single- am still. He had still not patched up with his brother. He had made my existence at my workplace really sick, pushing me to settle down with a man- soon enough. He would always tell me that I had probably needed a Counselor- one who would make me “see” things in the practical light and let me decide even- headedly. For a small time period that I had worked in with him, he had made as many judgements that had suited him. Unfortunately, none of his observations had come true.

Not that I had needed any Certificate or stamp to prove myself otherwise; but his constant ramblings had changed my mind so negatively. T had delighted me no end when I had made a huge success working in a call center and BPO. He had always professed that I would be a failure wherever communications would be the part of my work. I would never make it a successful one if I were to communicate on phone. Poor soul- that is all I feel for him now. I am very judgemental and observing too. To balance my extremely judgemental nature, I have decided to give a long rope to the “offender” (who I label as- and then end up being proved right)- just for him or herself to prove otherwise.

My understanding about things had helped me to stay composed. As I stated earlier that things that did not happen the first time; more often than not, the second time round it again is bound to hit the same dead end. Then again, it all depends on our attitude and understanding that how we would want to take it to a different dimension. It takes two o Tango. Likewise, he should also have made efforts to change the course of events. I had survived back then- I have this time around as well. Infact, this time, he had said that in as many words that he was probably wrong being so gloomy about Life.

Once again, it is our mind and thoughts that create whirls around us helping us achieve to our liking. Since he had loved being in pain so much; he himself had invited the recent state of feeling helpless. It was upto him to understand that it was his life and not his brothers. Moreover, if you had really outcast his brother, then it should not have made so much of difference. Anyways, whatever had happened 12 years back can not be turned around- It is “today” that we can craft the way we want to. It seems he was more of the kind whereby he wanted to embrace his helpless situations in name of fate and keep sulking. Little does he realize that he is captivating two souls to lead a very depressed life. He works with a big Corporate Company at a good position; he should have used those things to elevate his mental state of being, that would have helped him think positively.

With this attitude of his, he is making that poor lady suffer too. I mean this- if some one is so bent upon standing on the train tracks, till a moving train hits her/him; it only reflects upon her/his foolishness. You can not afford to stand around and watch. You need to realize that even if you may move her/him for this time; the chances are that she/he would come back the moment you are gone. So the best treatment towards such people is to let them be. Irresponsible..? No- that is only practical. Or else, you would blame yourself when you would learn about her/him being struck or hit by the train or calamity.

Every human is capable of identifying the good from bad- yet, it is his ability to act that balances his Karma to purify his soul. I would have not given him so much of space within my words or thoughts. Then again, I was compelled to- since even after all these years, he seemed to be left out exactly where from he had wanted to initiate. I could not help myself smirk while thinking about -who needs a counselor now..? I mean that he had been after my sanity with his complete (in)- sanity, so I get married. I believe you have already figured it out by now that I never had mused for him- neither then or in the recent time; yet, he had failed to appreciate the fact that it was him who had needed some help pathetically!!