I asked for it..!
My life is on a major spin pushing in things those were left out with any conclusion. The past stances are surfacing its venomous fangs trying to polish my state of being. Only, I am playing with those like how we do with cats.
It was complete madness with so many people around me for about 12 hours at a stretch. Cut to traveling back to home. Even after mixing the drinks, I had walked straight to my house gate. Unlocking the lock on the iron gate from the other- side of the gate, I had only smirked at my own ability to take control at all times. It was 5 in the morning!
There- I had walked slowly towards my house where it was hauntingly silent. Actually, it still is. To save myself of any tiredness, I had slept till noon- till 3pm. After a long time, I had slept through the day. When I had finally woken up feeling snug, since my room gets lit with sunlight in winters; I was all confused as to why I felt so disheveled. I had woken up to co- ordinate with my oldie for the maid for a small time at 11. I had felt disturbed even then. The same feeling had come flying entrapping me- sucking me deep into its recesses.
It wasn’t my drinks, neither was that my hang-over- nor was it my mood- swing.
I wasn’t sulking- anymore like I was yesterday. It was different today. Happening of a few things that had made me go sore about a few relationships, the hard feelings I had carried in me for many a people- yesterday, upon coming face to face with them, I had remained completely undeterred. It was as if nothing had happened. I had looked straight into their eyes. They were barely able to look back in me.
It was a cocktail party I had attended yesterday. I would include the detailed one separately. For now, I am only surprised at just how many things are revolving around me.
- A wedding in November this year had taken me back in time; reminding me of- my own wedding in 2003, last encounter with Himanshu in 2005 and my cousin’s wedding in 1996. Consequently, the whole experience has not only re- invented me, but also filled in for all the losses I had suffered individually at those weddings.
- Something had happened on New Year eve of 2006. It’s again that time of the year. The thing that had jolted me no end, it was evened out just last evening! Ruby stands witness to how well I had handled the interaction- treating him as if nothing had happened. I was my innocent self- how I would have been otherwise if that something had not happened. It didn’t matter to me any more.
- I had traveled to Ruby’s place in August 2009 before this. A house- warming party was thrown by Superna (she is the one getting married now). I had not even as much as smiled. I had sat stoned- without realizing how animated I was being. As if to almost balance, this time around, it was at Neeraj’s place that this party was hosted. I had made it up for the lost time yesterday.
- I had not attended a single function at Ruby’s place. The eldest sis- Sareeta was married off even before I had met Ruby. Out of the 5 sisters, I would now attend the youngest one’s wedding. I had missed Ruby’s wedding too!
- Sareeta lost her father-in-law only a week back. She is off to Orissa. That’s right, she won’t attend the last function of her family. She has been my teen idol. Infact, she still is. Her son is born on the same day as I am! In place of her, I would now attend the function..
- The last few months have been spinning realizations in me- liberating my soul. Now, even the events are becoming more pronounced. Almost as if to celebrate my new found state of being, Ruby is around! She is seeing a different me- young (as how I was when we had met but) un-scarred this time.
- I had not been able to let go of an ugly memory of my school time. A lot of things were affected due to that one episode. It won’t be incorrect to say that my child- life was lost after that one. My complete personna had undergone a major change. Only a week back, a realization ring had dawned on my (silky) hair- “what if he didn’t know what had happened and hence harbored myths about me and much unknowingly?” I have struck a friendship cord with him again. Then again, if I had not changed my school after that incident, I would have never met Ruby..
After writing it all here- I feel much much better. Maybe these thoughts had to be recognized and acknowledged. Well, I appreciate their striking me this hard. I had so wanted to even out every thing possible. This is much on the lines of concluding all unfinished businesses. Only recently, I have started practicing a couple of virtues. “Loving all and forgiving everyone”, happens to be one of those. Once again, I am blessed that all those people I had harbored hatred for, were assembled in a line for me to smile at them- extending friendship.
I now am sprinkled with as much Love and Compassion.
By all of them and everyone else.