The Big Beast

I love to wear heels.

Psychologically, I may want to get elevated. My 1st pair of heeled sandals were bought when I was only 5 years old! Neat 2″ high. Middle class family women didn’t wear one back then, leave alone their kids.

By those standards, I shouldn’t be afraid of heights. Or anything else that would help me soar high..

I am..!! I so wish to overcome my only scare that nibbles up on my brains.

Now figure this- I can’t step on an escalator. On better days, I have stepped on those moving stairs without becoming a “show- stopper”. It’s a distant memory now. And a pleasant one at that. Having heard that hostess getting crushed to death, stuck into one of those; as if that news has stuck into my mind! Although I had floated on those stairs well after that news was several years old, I am unable to repeat what I had done barely a year back.

That’s not the end of it yet!

I don’t know the logic behind it; but I am scared of seeing a plane. There, I said it!

I was all of 6 when my dad had wanted me to stand next to a small fighter one so he could click a snap shot. I had cried for the next 2 hours standing only a few metres away but never walking close enough. My part mind would say I go and pose. No sooner that would be over, I would howl louder as a reflex. The damn silver lean thing had humbly stood perched- perhaps all the more confused at my condition. I have so failed to understand that how those few yards made the damn difference!

I am sh*t scared to look at their pictures too!

I mean it. 2 years back that I had wanted to hear to I am Alive, without even taking heart to notice that that was only a toy plane, and a song that I had enjoyed plenty times listening to; I had run away from my computer, as if a monster had attacked me on a 3D screen. The headset had done somersaults, the mouse had flown without wings and the chair was on the floor gaping for breath!

The last time I did browse through the pics, was a day before I had traveled to Jaipur to see Himanshu.

He had forwarded a mail with pics of planes that I was unable to view. So I had ended up on Google looking for the content. For almost whole of my work- shift, I had kept looking at those. My team mates had joked- how many of those was I to buy again..!!

I did manage to see some really humongous planes etched right across the computer screen- again after 2005- a few days back. The first thought that came across my mind was this- “what was I avoiding- the images of the planes or the thoughts and heartbreaking memories associated with those..?” It’s been over a fortnight that I have been viewing these beasts without panicking. Of course I gasp and even skip a beat- but I guess that’s alright for the starters. I look at the videos of the deadliest ones without blinking or screaming now. The good news is- I am now able to look at the images! I don’t scream or jump around panicking like if bitten by a snake.

I am pretty passionate about Life- wanting everything King-size Royal.

Why the hell the sleek- spindle shaped metal structure, with engines fitted on the wings scare me? I so wish to unravel it and most of all- overcome the fear of looking at one. Often people confuse it with fear of flying. They try and console me telling me that I won’t feel a thing once I am inside the craft. That’s the trickiest part. I will freak out screaming my lungs out- the moment I see one perched on its un-proportionate wheels for its size.

To me it seems as if that’s a predator challenging my wits.

Staying at MN in South Delhi, I have learnt to identify several crafts just by their doppler sound alone! After I’ve shifted here in Palam Vihar, the planes flying around have taken a via en-route my building’s terrace top. I can still tell you if that’s a small craft with 2 engines or the bigger Boeing with 4 engines!

I am not scared while dreaming of those.

I often dream of I viewing the crafts without blinking- standing only a few metres away from them! Oh yeah- that’s the twist. I have dreamt of some of the designs which are yet to be constructed.. Only a few weeks back I had dreamt of 2 Prussian Blue hovering around my building- flying dangerously low. Yet another day I saw the engine roaring as if right next to me. I did startle but didn’t wake up or scream. On the other hand, I remain pretty chirped up for the day, whenever such dreams hit my mind.

Actually, it’s Megalophobia.

I had pushed my scare or the want to over come the same, a lot farther. I had just not bothered to look deeper into the phobia. I was too occupied to even think about it. Till a few friends laughed over my condition. I had only dared to explain explicitly about my apprehension.

I was even scared to talk about it.

Did I say “I was..?”

I had traveled to Karol Bagh last week. I had traveled through the road next to the new airport. I saw 4 of those planes taking off. One was on the run – way, waiting for the other one to fly away. Kingfisher, Emirates, Jet- they were the smaller ones. On an impulse, I had wanted to see a bigger one. Maybe they aren’t that bad at heart- after all. A Virgin Atlantic had appeared looking right into my eyes through its cockpit. The car- driver stands witness to how I had screamed that it should move a bit so I am able to see it walking parallel to my vehicle. It seemed just too happy to oblige me to come to the run way. Taking a side ways turn, it had humbly waited for me till I traveled down the road.

I wasn’t scared anymore.

The new airport runway is parallel to the highway road. All you need to do is turn your shoulder to watch one of those flying wonders take off just a few metres from you.

The next thing I want is to board one..

I did startle yet again when the engine roared- but only till then.. still listening to the number, viewing the video on a full volume.. Enjoy

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind, My Observation and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Big Beast

  1. Dealing with all our fears. I share yours, Olivia. Well done as a post and as a healing exercise.

    Wonderful job decorating your blog for the holidays. Thank you. Made me smile immediately.

    Hope you are well. Have to clear some time here to catch up with you. Life! Wonderful, but so busy. Need to have 48/7. 24/7 never seems enough.

    Peace and Hugs to sweet Olivia,

    • Olivia says:

      Yes My Dear Sweet Jamie.. I have missed you.. 🙂
      Then again, I feel connected so no hassles.. I had actually thought of you while doing the template. Good it worked.. 🙂

      Life is busy at my end too- and boy- am I loving it..? smirk!!
      48/7.. Tell me about it!!

      Planes.. hahaha- peek-a-boo!! at one moment I freak out, the other, I am restful! Gotta overcome this one soon enough.. Any impractical should be left is what I feel.. so this one has to go- soon enough!

      Wishing you Happy Holidays n Loads of fun..
      Love n Hugs.. xoxox

  2. Kavita says:

    whheeeww!! I only fear heels! Well, I don’t fear them per-se… but my friggin feet HURT!!! Yet, I wear them just so I get some darned practice! 2″ is fine… anything more, and i start to wince 🙂 At 5’6″, I keep convincing myself that I am okay without heels.. heheh.. that’s my excuse!

    • Olivia says:

      haha.. The higher those darned heels, the sexier it gets!!
      Infact, people around me ask if all’s well if I wear anything below 3″ LOLsss That happened just a couple of days back itself.. 🙂
      5’6″.. envious.. jealous.. @##!!@# I wish..

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