Dawn of a New Morning!

We were more enterprising when young.

No amount of scolding/discouragement could stop us from watching cartoons or running out to play- no matter what the weather used to be. We stood up each time we fell down- while running about! There was absolutely no stopping us. Cut to adulthood; we have our reservations “reserved” about everything possible. Starting over- seems to be one Herculean task. The excitement that once bubbled screaming- “when..? Why not now?” has now been replaced with, “Is there a way to avoid it..?” We have grown up to become more complacent or inhibited; perhaps, even scared.

As kids, our “to- do” list was a never ending, always bugging elders compilation. No sooner one of the tasks was ticked off; ten others conjoined. Our parents were kept on their toes to make us feel “satisfied” and failed miserably. Almost often. Now, we tend to rest back and wile away precious time by our hand, trying to feel contented! But the question is- are you really contented?

I am not.

I have started over a few times already. Till the time I was running around; everything worked out fine. No sooner I sat back; I was left out. Life, work, relationship with men; all became stinking waste; so I had no other option than to step out, to maintain my sanity. I recognized this pattern during my work tenure with Convergys. The moment I had decided to take it easy; I was stagnated.

A few more things have happened since then which has made me believe into this concept firmly now.

This time around, when I completed a year of Blogging; I, instead of becoming laid back have grown more impatient. You may compare it with a rich man’s greed to acquire more wealth. No matter how much he earns, he feels he needs to acquire more!

Just around the same time, I had seen this transition coming. After being (and still) homebound since December 2007; I had wanted to venture out. The traveling, stepping out frequently, friends coming over to meet and spending the night over; started almost all at once, ever since I started to write. I am yet to understand the connection of my writing with this plethora of changes that have opened up like some new Galaxy of future events for me. I have come a long way from being a recluse to being as gregarious as I used to be! Not only have words healed me innerward; but also has evolved me into how I used to be- extremely unsettling and passionate about anything that I may be associated with.

It had taken a few months to realize that it indeed was a transition that was about to happen. I had recognized all the signs. It was too uncanny for me to watch that closely. There is a gap between knowing it, coming to terms with and preparing to handle the insecurities. While I always was aware of the facts, it hurt to come to terms with. I had sincerely wanted it to work out and be end to all.

It didn’t.

The “arrangement” for making a relationship to be happen, has failed. I am not the reason. I am far from it! On the contrary; I have a huge bucket of ugly experiences with him/because of him that I have been unable to take in my stride still. He may find my words a direct attack on his “manliness”; but the fact remains. That level of submission (yes, I had been submissive too), has gone dead. The revolting fire has lit its first spark quite bright in me. After the realization of the fact that it (a transition) indeed was happening; there is a sense of harmony that is playing its music in my mind. The anxiety is gone.

I am only left speechless at the surprising turn of the events. Out of the many “re-starts” I have undergone, a major and a relatively minor start over was on the similar lines.  For me it’s a double dose of starting again. One is in its literal meaning; the other, to acquire knowledge about a new skill set.

There, I said it!

My transitions always end in a new and a fresh beginning. I not only leave the old life far left; but also, get to learn about newer things while handing my new life. This is exactly what was making me go restless, anticipating the forthcoming changes. Now that I have seen what it is, I am determined to give it my best and emerge out as successful as I had been earlier.

Lesson learnt: No more feeling complacent about anything! Call me the restless one as I have always been again; I will thank you for the compliment, instead of thinking of you as being unreasonable- as I used to earlier. Apparently, it works in my favor!

~*~*~

  • Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

 

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Dawn of a New Morning!

  1. irisdeurmyer says:

    Olivia, you are always encouraging others with your kind posts and I want to encourage you to keep writing as a catharsis and to encourage you to never give. God loves you so much and we are blessed to have you share your innermost thoughts with us. Bless you dear one.
    Iris

    • Olivia says:

      Thank you Iris for your support! That’s what I really need.

      Your kind words touched me already! At times, I really feel down n under for this entire mess (I call it my Life). I am still hanging on without really feeling pessimist- but I’m already pushed at the edge.. anymore shift would tumble me over! I sincerely things change over soon..

      Many Hugs xoxox

  2. Jamie Dedes says:

    Restlessness is spiritual hunger, a healthy thing I think. And if we are intrepid when young, it is largly because we are stupid and/or nieve. Basically, we go through life – it seems to me – learning what works and what doesn’t and moving on from there. Problem with relationships is that we don’t let go. We sink our teeth in a hang on for much longer than we should. Then we end up angry and frustrated. … Well, I’m really tired this p.m., maybe I’m rambling and don’t make sense. Phew! I hope it helps somehow. Thanks for sharing your musings, Olivia.

    • Olivia says:

      I know what you mean Jamie!

      That’s where it starts. The arrangement I am into is no way a relationship yet am being forced to and have been bearing the complications as if it was one!
      That’s what is irking me.. And now, with each passing day; it’s becoming a morgue. I’m being deprived of my basic needs as well!

      I hope this ends fast! Been a few years already..

      Thank you for your comforting words
      xoxox

  3. ladynyo says:

    Olivia….this isn’t only your struggle, but I felt it deeply.

    As for what is going on here, it seems to me that you are clarifying life….going through the refining of fire…which is life in all its natty ways…good and bad.

    As for being submissive? LOL~! I was too, for about a year…under the disdainful eyes of a man who wasn’t much of one. I wasn’t ‘docile enough’ as a woman. Hah~!

    You continue to kick the traces, Olivia. This is growth, this is development and this is you coming into yourself: your expanding creativity, wisdom and independence.

    And sanity.

    Hugs,
    Lady Nyo….and blogging gave me a voice where I thought I was mute. Hah~!

    • Olivia says:

      You have said it all that I have undergone/going! Writing indeed gave me a voice. It’s worked as a therapy making me speak for me and to me too!

      Men..! Thanks to the species that I don’t feel for them anymore. It’s already a couple of times that I tried to do whatever I could to “settle down” with them- I was not “docile” enough! Better sill, I am not being “tamed”- I feel I am a rabbit who needs to be tamed so the pet-owners feel amused watching me hop around!!

      It hurts to show “them” my true colors- but they asked for it!!
      Thank you so much for your assuring and generous comment.. means world to me!

      Many many Hugs Dear One.. xxxx

  4. Sam says:

    I like the way you’re putting down your experience for us to share… Being human we are an ever evolving creatures and Transition is just a natural process. Embrace every change for it will only add up to the collective you.
    Hugs..xoxoxo

    • Olivia says:

      Thank you Sam!!
      Your comment made my evening.. its free nature liberates me!

      Thank you again.. I am all set to get there all charged up!
      Hugs xoxoxox

  5. Bodhirose says:

    You seem to be in perfect harmony with the universe. It takes us up and brings us down in a cycle to repeat over and over all the while teaching us everything we need to know to move us toward our peace.

    I have gone through very similar transitions–I seem to be in a creative mode now but also a “waiting” stage–trying to be patient to see what is next for me around the next corner. It can bring on anxiety too but I seem to be better at maintaining calmness in the face of the unknown. Yay–progress!!

    Here’s to the dawn of your new morning my friend!

    Hugs xoxo

    • Olivia says:

      Thank you for being so understanding of the stuff written down here Gayle!

      I believe a lot of riddling part has come opened here.. the rest is soon to follow.. I love reading book backwards..! No wonder I am compiling my biography.. At one point in time I had wanted to get clicked everyday so I hold an album that would capture me day to day- everyday! I guess, with this blog, I am already doing that!

      I talk once things are over or I am over those..! So this time too, I didn’t give a clue in my last 1 year’s writing excepting that I am home- bound. The reason, sacrifices or compulsions would all come in front now..

      For progress, I have learnt to be a better schemer- oh yeah that!
      I could not be “tamed” I guess- am I a rabbit or some? Nevermind..

      I am both sensitive, choked up and determined.. Thank you so much for your wishes Gayle.. sending you more love
      Hugs xxx

  6. dan says:

    All the lessons are to be learned on the journey, the restless times. When moments of rest occur they are good. However, life’s flow stagnates when still too long. So charge on, seize each day with determination and appreciation, and use your head to steer your heart, not control it, for the heart needs to fly free to experience life, and your head gets the ugly job of cleaning up the mess made, and to assemble the fragments into wonderful memories. Go and learn, laugh and cry, love and be loved, for life is short and ripe with experiences to be gathered. Then share and communicate, use your powerful words to light the paths of others. Peace be unto you, but interspersed with bouts of energy.

    • Olivia says:

      You made my day! Your words have pepped me up no end!
      You have said it exactly how it is.. I have learnt this the hard way at a very tender age.

      I am still the way I used to; of course barring the period when I had become a recluse. I am back in action and man, I am all set to light it up bright!
      Thank you for your wishes Dan! I feel inspired already.. 🙂 I have vowed to keep writing no matter what!

      Hugs xxx

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