We were more enterprising when young.
No amount of scolding/discouragement could stop us from watching cartoons or running out to play- no matter what the weather used to be. We stood up each time we fell down- while running about! There was absolutely no stopping us. Cut to adulthood; we have our reservations “reserved” about everything possible. Starting over- seems to be one Herculean task. The excitement that once bubbled screaming- “when..? Why not now?” has now been replaced with, “Is there a way to avoid it..?” We have grown up to become more complacent or inhibited; perhaps, even scared.
As kids, our “to- do” list was a never ending, always bugging elders compilation. No sooner one of the tasks was ticked off; ten others conjoined. Our parents were kept on their toes to make us feel “satisfied” and failed miserably. Almost often. Now, we tend to rest back and wile away precious time by our hand, trying to feel contented! But the question is- are you really contented?
I am not.
I have started over a few times already. Till the time I was running around; everything worked out fine. No sooner I sat back; I was left out. Life, work, relationship with men; all became stinking waste; so I had no other option than to step out, to maintain my sanity. I recognized this pattern during my work tenure with Convergys. The moment I had decided to take it easy; I was stagnated.
A few more things have happened since then which has made me believe into this concept firmly now.
This time around, when I completed a year of Blogging; I, instead of becoming laid back have grown more impatient. You may compare it with a rich man’s greed to acquire more wealth. No matter how much he earns, he feels he needs to acquire more!
Just around the same time, I had seen this transition coming. After being (and still) homebound since December 2007; I had wanted to venture out. The traveling, stepping out frequently, friends coming over to meet and spending the night over; started almost all at once, ever since I started to write. I am yet to understand the connection of my writing with this plethora of changes that have opened up like some new Galaxy of future events for me. I have come a long way from being a recluse to being as gregarious as I used to be! Not only have words healed me innerward; but also has evolved me into how I used to be- extremely unsettling and passionate about anything that I may be associated with.
It had taken a few months to realize that it indeed was a transition that was about to happen. I had recognized all the signs. It was too uncanny for me to watch that closely. There is a gap between knowing it, coming to terms with and preparing to handle the insecurities. While I always was aware of the facts, it hurt to come to terms with. I had sincerely wanted it to work out and be end to all.
The “arrangement” for making a relationship to be happen, has failed. I am not the reason. I am far from it! On the contrary; I have a huge bucket of ugly experiences with him/because of him that I have been unable to take in my stride still. He may find my words a direct attack on his “manliness”; but the fact remains. That level of submission (yes, I had been submissive too), has gone dead. The revolting fire has lit its first spark quite bright in me. After the realization of the fact that it (a transition) indeed was happening; there is a sense of harmony that is playing its music in my mind. The anxiety is gone.
I am only left speechless at the surprising turn of the events. Out of the many “re-starts” I have undergone, a major and a relatively minor start over was on the similar lines. For me it’s a double dose of starting again. One is in its literal meaning; the other, to acquire knowledge about a new skill set.
There, I said it!
My transitions always end in a new and a fresh beginning. I not only leave the old life far left; but also, get to learn about newer things while handing my new life. This is exactly what was making me go restless, anticipating the forthcoming changes. Now that I have seen what it is, I am determined to give it my best and emerge out as successful as I had been earlier.
Lesson learnt: No more feeling complacent about anything! Call me the restless one as I have always been again; I will thank you for the compliment, instead of thinking of you as being unreasonable- as I used to earlier. Apparently, it works in my favor!
- Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.