A few days from now, I’ll be stepping out of my homebound captivity!
I have been calling upon this for a very long time. Maybe since the very day I had left my last real job. Or maybe the day I realized that this arrangement is far from being called a relationship. I have been working from home for the past over 3 years now, without any take-home. It is more of an arrangement (read: another post) that I have decided to take no further.
Am I excited?
More than getting employed and in a “real” job; it’s the excitement of stepping out that is making me anxious. The role is going to be very different from my previous jobs. Like all the other big transitions, this one too is going to foray me into a newer opportunity.
I had given up- well almost.
I had that tiny bleak of hope still stretching itself out of nowhere. It was much like fooling my ownself and yet hoping for things to fall in place. Only, they fell apart- quite as much. I am not a foolhardy girl; just didn’t want to take any chances. Let’s say I was trying to play it safe. Yes, it was yet another gamble I had rolled my dice for. I have been & am still being as much cautious as I could be. I have taken more than one person’s share; much, when I am already saturated with my early experiences.
After all, it’s for my survival.
Priorities differ from one to the other, with the situation a person is thrown in. I don’t care for any relationship (to happen) and that’s an understatement. Reasons.. one too many to answer in one post! All I care is about my own existence- to be able to survive and with dignity; if I may. Food, shelter and clothing; comes much after I succeed to survive. Looking back at the last 17 years, I see that all I have been busy with is to survive alone and alone. Each time I tried to take it easy or get a little complacent; things have hit me hard on my face!
Relationships have only taken me down.
The present one; the one I keep referring to as an arrangement, is no different. My life has been an unending phase of struggle and my being in a relationship makes it worse. Each time I tried to give it a serious try; I took a hit on my dignity and my state of being too. Surprisingly, I get pushed out to roar single again- every time! It is this realization during my recent transition phase that had killed me. Once again, a man failed me!
It’s not the 1st time.
I mean the moving out thing. “Growing out of it” or “moving on”; it hurts me hard. It did this time too. Stepping out to work is not like going out for work here. It’s more like letting the phase die out. The bird comes back to the nest while learning to fly. So think of me how tough it would be fly away in the morning only to go back by evening.
So am I learning to fly?
Technically, yes. I am learning to leave the nest (read: enslaved comfort zone) and to flap my wings both at the same time. With a strong hope that eventually I might take off!! Bring down “Indifference” to a really basic level; that’s how it is right now. It’s a very small form of revolting. To step out, to go out to work again, to learn something totally new, to be able to see if I still have it in me; if I could be me again..
It’s a fight for my survival again.
Filed under My Life Instances. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.