Just reached home all chocked up with emotions.
The memories of how it was, had kept coming back to me. It was difficult for me to rationalize what hurt more – then or today? I guess, you would know the answer to it by the end of it. I feel I am hit by one of the thunders my vehicle had sped through to reach you. Although very different than that one; yet, the whole thing had kept reminding me of how I had ran (quite literally) to meet someone years back. Not mentioning anything beyond that since it’s not about him this time.
I feel I now know why things you did or say were so typically similar to what had happened over 2 decades ago. I had missed the point that it was about time to look forward and burn those memories down. I will; or maybe, already have. A few beautiful memories those were attached to someone not so nice, you made me forget like those were never made. Now when I try to think of those, there’s no sense of nostalgia in my thoughts anymore! If at all, I get fast forwarded to present time where you just created some new chapters for me. Letting me wear your watch, the ball point; wait, how did you know it was his fave color once upon a time? It is one of mine now besides mauve! That’s how I accept people, right into my lifestyle; deeply embedded.
You did it all.
The one thing that had made me go brood over was when you said the very things I did to him; while quite begging him to stay with me in the process. The other day when you had touched after bending, threatening me to “return”, you had left me stoned. I know it was more out of naughty humor, what I love the most about you; it had taken me back to a time I haven’t shared about with anyone yet! I had touched him one last time that being the only time ever. When you did the same very thing, once and for all, my feelings for him that I had stored in me for the last over 20 years had come crashing down. Quite unknowingly you had barged inside my sphere and claimed a place I had kept locked up for all this while. Your naughty acts had quite gelled with that of mine, kind of threatening my façade of composure or maybe my mastery over those (acts of mischief).
It’s in your mind too.
Your thoughts about a few things are exactly how I feel for those too; about adopting kids who lost their parents and how to go about life after making it big. Whatever you said the other day was exactly how I say- word by word- In verbatim! You wanting to practice instead of preaching alone said it all.
Uncanny is the word.
Where do I even begin? The meaning of your name.. Why, I am not surprised. I would’ve been damned if it meant something else! Wait a sec, your birthday falls exactly on the date I mused my beau to be celebrating his birthday on. Go ahead; dismiss it as a silly one. But I could do with yet another set of pincers actually.. clank! Ouchhh.. easy!! Your thoughtfulness of carrying extra portion for me- without my telling you to, you are way too good to be left. So you are caring, observant and definitely not forgetful. Hope you remember our dates for all times to come. What I am saying is, you tip toed into my space and bang opened me up to how I used to be- completely undeterred.
It’s only a matter of time!
That the transition is now giving way to a different beginning is one another thing. My having being able to step out of my “captivity” (read: ridiculous arrangement) has definitely done good to my confidence. Then again, it wouldn’t have been half as easy without you. You happened exactly at the time I needed this. Your acts of consideration has opened me up like a blossom. It was but natural to fall for you. The mutual admiration or space we try to offer is how I have been till now; which has been brutally abused. I am stuck up in some arrangement but that’s all it is to it now. I anyways need to come out of that, this was all the last transition phase was about.
For once, I did whatever I did for self in a very long time. While travelling back to home, I had barely been able to relax. My walkman headphones sat there for no good reason. After many years, I cried for something of my own; or may I say, someone? Till now, it was out of helplessness. If this evening had not happened, I would have never realized that I am back on taking decisions of my own! And, that it’s no more a confusion of, “how to say it all and make him understand!” stuff. Then again, I have not come across anyone this understanding. In a long time this evening, I had not felt helpless anymore. Although all the possible roadblocks are quite showing; I feel, together, we can do it. It would be safe to say; I feel more in control when with you. It seems you would fly me along and well.
You still want a reason to why I feel for you?
The dreams and aspirations you have is quite same as that of mine. I’ve been chomped upon my roots way too many times; that’s precisely why I am going a bit easy this time. Had I been how I used to be, I would have ended up starting my life from scratch one again, turning even more bitter. The passion, expertise, forte- you know how well we complement each other. It was you who made me see it actually. I have that someone in you, who is wanting to take me exactly how I want someone to! What more could I ask for?
The conclusion is not what I am seeking- but the travel!
I guess that is why I am leading my life in phases, none of the setbacks ever as being the concluding chapter. Why do we have ellipses then? Series, sequels, remakes..? To stop and get stagnated is not my way of life. Look at life, in itself, it keeps going on! When you talked about your “business proposal”, that is exactly what I heard- a life moving on in a definite motion instead of concluding it with or without a label. A few months or a few years, is a small period when we are talking of our life- time. We have bigger issues to deal with! And how are you supposed to know anyway if you don’t give it a try or believe in yourself? I know you do- that is where I am surprised. How could someone like you be not seeing it? Like I said, more than the presence, it’s the assurance that would keep it going. Once into it, wouldn’t you also be holding onto the same? So, why “acting” considerate towards me?
There was a certain amount of relief in crying today. For about half, I had sat dead on my bed hugging myself. My body down my neck had gone wet by the time I had realized I need to stop. It rained this evening to maybe keep my tears hidden or was it crying along with me? I had barely finished writing it when you sent me that text saying exactly how I say to my blog friends!
For now, you just did it!
I had raced up to save a very beautiful part of my life. I have spent a major part of it already musing with memories alone; here is the opportunity where I can just live the way I have been secretly wishing for! I hate the weather here- don’t you know that? C’mon now, I just said I have a selfish reason.. okay, I can’t stand canines and dust and am a cleanliness freak and cynical too (could I divert your attention?) btw, I wore the same fragrance that I had back then.. coincidence? again? don’t think so!
Alright, I am sentimental
YOU are the reason sweetheart! You replied without I asking for it. I was so hesitant talking about it, probably would have never ever made a mention! I mean how many times will you make me fall for you now? Let’s just say- you gave me enough reasons. Please do let me know if you still need any assurances (promises). If you haven’t realized yet, I just declared my love for you. Even if you don’t, I will always do! If it isn’t apparent, I have wiped off my mirror squeaky clean, do I see your reflection there now?
P.S. The chauffeur was spared.
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Dear Olivia, the rain on this page so suits this post. And your tears, healing I hope? Yes, long since, I can read! Veered off into a better place, this post.
There is nothing like being in love, the rush, the excitement. I hope your beloved reciprocates beyond your dreams, as you deserve. Even when we hope to “go easy this time” love will not be stopped. Enjoy this.
Thank you for your wishes Jannie!
Yes right, I am not in any hurry to “label” or conclude it yet. That I could feel this way for someone and express and get appreciated; I guess I have more than I could have asked for!
You reading this one and commenting makes it really special!
Many Hugs xox
Yes, you do… 🙂
The whole day today I sat wet n soggy with tears…
Sketched some, enjoyed the weather; yet, couldn’t turn my mind away from you!!
I wanted to write a post then didn’t. Want another one to and for reference when I turned to this one to read where I had left this one at; I noticed this comment had gone un-replied to. Write I will; for now, it seems my words wanted to be spoken with you directly instead of getting type written here in blog, but that I anyways did here in comment… 🙂
Hugs n love xoxo
Happy for you. Shared dreams is a good place to start.
🙂 Appreciated xox
I LOVE a good declaration of love. Really. it’ s not meant to be kept hidden. Good for you, Olivia.
You bet.. Thank you so much Belinda!! xoxox
don’t be…i appreciate your writing.. 🙂
🙂 you are a sweetheart dude!! 🙂
okay, great seems like you are finally, starting all over and letting the dark colors bleed out of your life….good now, dye it good…. 🙂
Thanks dude!!!!! I am at it by all means..
You must have guessed by now- Love for me is not the mushy feeling, ending up making out- it’s about exploring every possible relationship in one person. Not to ignore the fact that he himself is as much involved and I so appreciate him doing this (to me).. Looking at his reflection in the mirror isn’t about getting cozy, feeling shy. It’s about I completely writing off all that I carried with me for so long and look forward, that won’t be possible without his support (or whatever the word goes as)
You think I see him? Just to explain further, I see it way beyond any “label” today or ever, for I believe- definition only sets the limitations.
PS- Thank you for taking out time to read this one. **GRATEFUL**
Yes, you had completely written off that L word–oh, I remember all too well my friend! I find this so very cool. I see you maintaining your independence (work) even if the two of you should become a couple. It will allow you to have something just for you without total dependency.
The best part is your last line–so smart and a healthy attitude too! Yay for you, Olivia!!
Love and hugs,
Okay Gayle…. Now you know why I call you a sweetheart! 🙂
You read it exactly the way it was meant to be.. not a word extra! I know as much as I maybe, he himself has stepped out of his comfort zone too.. what happens later is really some story the two of us would have to weave. I couldn’t have asked for more. A sense of accountability with immense patience n responsibility is what I feel he must have mastered upon. The incident itself talks about that or so I read it as (felt it when was happening)
Cyber age L- letter! see, I can’t use the word.. This is sooooo me! All blushing.. 😳
Yes, my decision on staying independent is completely mine and sensed he too would like it that way. Once again, despite what happens between the two of us on 1 on 1, there’s this driving force when he talks pretty ambitiously of me- without asking silly things like “why?” at any point of time referring to past or present. The CUSHION he has unknowingly provided without me asking or really expecting, I would be damned if I fail to use it! For once, I want it to happen with all my life. Seems I have been preparing for this till now. How he is, typically fits the bill of a 8 year old girl with all her fairy tale stances and someone in her mid- 30s who has taken a lot more than can be stated in this comment.
With this, it’s also marking a fine end to the “provider” guy! See, I made a mention now. I was waiting for a clear demarcation towards the closure of this chapter. My having started to work (stepping out with a different employer than himself) did it; but making me say it out loud in only a few weeks.. now, that doesn’t happen so fast with me. I do see a major portion of me in him; how he is, his thoughts, gestures.. omg! uncanny is the word! 😯 This is how I tell people to become.
The verbiage and stances are exactly how it had happened or how we talk amongst ourselves. Since you, Kavita, Blaga, Jamie and Cheryl knows a few more know things than is apparent through the post; it is easier to discuss. I kept it subtle so it covers enough to be a personal conversation and yet tried to give out as much as all of you can understand!
The very fact that this post was going to be a sad one and one small text, and conversation (made a mention about already) steered clear of it to a very different one, states a lot more than what I can state in words in here. I hope he is reading this one. He had asked me that one sometime back about wiping off the mirror clean..! I knew exactly what he meant and couldn’t reply. Not that I didn’t know the reply. But his asking the very question made me look beyond the query. It was about my lifestyle and attitude. I will give him all the credit for changing me how I used to be without him making any conscious effort (or maybe he just did…!) and never letting me see it happening. 😮
The way I am, I can grab a twig and rise from deep under- currents.. this is one major “I don’t know the word yet” extended to me; I’ll have to do it.. like I am not giving myself any other option!!!
Bless me Gayle. Had you guys not supported me, I would have lost it and not reached till here and missed this whole experience out!
Warm Regards n Love xoxoxo
It’s like I have witnessed a miracle–from where you were when I first came to know you and how you have evolved to now. Once denouncing that there could be–dare I say it–love in your life again to this place of taking charge of your life.
Truly, I feel blessed to have seen you through this. You have taken many steps to get to this place of freedom–doesn’t it feel like freedom? I have enjoyed being with you along the way and hope to continue as a supportive friend for a long time to come.
I’m almost as excited about this turn of events as you are my friend! Thanks for sharing your joy.
Much love and many hugs,
Yes, it feels liberated!
I am even happier that it’s a tag free or “label” free as he puts it. I would always be indebted to him no matter what! From here, there are things that we need to work out- a really hectic lifestyle and working towards achieving our dreams. The common point is we share same dreams. Oops, I guess I just revealed how selfish I am! At least I am honest. Like always say, my priorities is what I am after, anyone who helps me getting those in my plate, I’ll love him no matter what!
You my friend, I knew the day we talked (through our blogs) we have a long way of friendship in wait!
Love n hugs xoxoxoxox
Aww.. that’s sweet! I hope the message reaches across, and gets reflected back to, like an echo.. an echo so sweet on the ears.. and even sweeter on the heart…
Gosh!!! Is this me really? Whatever happened to me?
I am only thankful that I could know the emotion- for a change! This is despite all the mismatches.. perhaps that did it! “Perfect matches” is a paradox.. what say? For now, it’s imperfect mismatch- lolsss better still…………………. wink
Wow–I’m so happily excited–your heart seems bursting.
I’m always wanting your peace and happiness, Olivia–may these be yours–and love, of course!
Oh yes Gayle!!!
Blushing.. silly me has fallen me in love after all.. what I am liking is despite all odds, I did get infected!
I am head over heals, and he rather knows too well; I’m praying this one doesn’t go the same predictable way.. then again, rest of those were never ever love!
Well, for now, I am happy I could savor the emotion if not anything else for now!
Many more hugs xoxoxo
Just thrilled for your happiness. It can come out of the blue when you least expect it–right? I know that giddy feeling you are having–savor it!
Love and hugs,
** BLUSH **
This is so uncanny.. if the two of us don’t hit it off too well, it’s the fact that I had completely written L word off!
The very startling point of disagreement between the two of us proved to be the setting up point. That way, I could look at some finer details which would otherwise have gotten ignored..
Going out for work definitely helped. Imagine me still being supported financially and then this thing coming around- NIGHTMARES!!!!!!
For once, whatever catch it may bring along; I am not being helpless because of financial upstanding! I had almost lost it!!
Here’s the deal, I am sitting ready to take it all in my stride.. whatever comes along with it
Once again Gayle,
I have a friend (could not find a better word, since my definition is way too high and personal for the word) in you who just made me believe I could and I gave it a shot. Of Course Sareeta (you know who she is now, wait I guess that “assignment thingy is going to come up big- will keep you posted) is the one who should be given all credits (did I tell too much? wink!!); I can not deny the fact that the day we started to interact I felt an immense surge of energy surrounding my state of being!
Had you been not around, I would have probably missed out on all of this. When I was low and falling down like a burnt aircraft, it was you amongst many others who had held me tight letting me survive the crash. My vodka maybe making it see it very clear and hence making me find words to state it..
If life could get any better (than it already has 🙂 ) I would meet you soon! I have a hunch I would get to see you soon..
Of course I have been stringed for most part of my life, I very strongly feel the better and bigger part is yet to come..
Always greedy for your blessings.. you are one of my soulmates’ taking me through and rising me high beyond any limitation that a human mind can conceive of!
More than words and action could ever define
To you tooo…
I think perhaps we are old souls who had known each other before meeting this lifetime in cyber space. That is why our “gravitational pull” was so strong when we became reacquainted! We both have a strong connection to that beautiful Indian teacher P. Yogananda and through that we could understand each other very clearly.
Yes, I remember Sareeta and I agree with you–she had a lot to do with you being able to move on and become more independent–in many ways. What a blessing!
I feel the better and bigger part is yet to come too! What a huge bonus if we were able to meet some day–of course it could happen!
So, so happy for you, Olivia–a treasured soulmate. Many smiles and warm hugs (and blessings) for you!