Loud music gives me a mind blowing high; so does vodka and quite likewise a very fast moving vehicle. At this moment, I have mixed the 1st two and am so yearning for the day the 3rd one would be thrown in too!
When you read that, can you really take a guess at how much upset I maybe at this point in time?
I guess not. I am totally high right now, was able to sip after about almost 3 weeks, listening to awesome music. Like how I am, I have been hearing this one since an hour now! As long as it’s good, I don’t mind re- repeating the same. Does it show how contented with little things I can get with? I could really spend my life with one single man- that none happened and it ended up with a count of more than one, devoid of any love resulting in scarred relationships- is a different story altogether.
Perhaps that’s why when I’m most upset, I try to hold it all by self and sail through.
Anyway, there’s no point sharing (read: cribbing) when there’s no immediate stepping out. There I said it. I want to break free from the present day set-up; a completely abused and mis- labelled not at all a relationship! After doing the grocery shopping in the evening, I had poured in some drink to cheer myself up. Ruby had called up just then. Just how does she come aware of I needing someone right exactly when I do? This was definitely not the 1st time that I could talk to her when I had badly wanted to! Explicit details weren’t shared, didn’t require to since she is pretty much aware of my present day state of my mind.
I could also send some texts to distract myself when that helpless feeling had started embracing my better self. Suddenly, I have people around me just when I need them. Be it sharing my lappie news or more recently my birthday or getting shockingly surprised at how someone arranged that so well; I am not leading my life alone anymore. Superna (Ruby’s youngest sister) made no bones telling me how good I looked. Not she alone but others too have noticed a change in me. I too have felt the very same!
So, why was I upset again?
A few days back only, I had shared about my peeve of not showing off how sad the day may have been, with him. Be that my mom’s death anniversary or I feeling completely down n under; I don’t show it off at all. I always pick up the brighter avenues around me and even while sulking, I go on celebrating life! My sipping that vodka soda was a part of that celebration and then Ruby had called up. I had sipped some tea at midnight almost with Kavita– while chatting online, both of us getting up to prepare the same at same time and then tinkling a Cheers on gmail chat!
Call me crazy if you so wish to- but that’s how I have always been.
I maybe depressed from within but will fiercely roar aloud outwardly- quite literally. When young, my immediate elders took me for a gone case- well almost, till I showed up one day declaring my successfully having survived even after been thrown away out of my home- not once but twice. All of them had stood mute watching the entire theatrics without even winking.
What’s wrong in me?
Has it become my habit of covering up my vulnerability or is it that I am die- hard optimistic about exclusively morbid things? It won’t be out of place if I tell you that my B’de Bear seem to understand my emotions well. It had sat around quietly looking into my eyes and assuring me that everything will work out. I couldn’t believe that it was the same teddy that had teased me no end when I had hugged him last night while sleeping. A lot of firsts are happening to me. I have never hugged a bear before to bed! I am open to changes making them an part of my attitude and mannerisms. I tend to draw energy from wherever possible!
For someone like me; have I lost all emotions excepting putting up a facade of “all’s bright and shiny” or is it I am brain dead and hence don’t understand how grave my situation is?
I haven’t broken down yet! A simple good night call- wishing me night and I feel I am alive! Do I really not know how helpless it is? Am I not contented yet challenging my life situations to try and hit on me yet again? Have I mastered the art of playing around with those?
If this explains, I am listening to- HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!!!!!
EDIT: I didn’t sleep a wink and had kept texting someone- not cribbing about my things but how I could try and shape up my future things. Does it explain the essence of this post now?