Not a love- letter!

Introduction: I am starting to write about my present day things- or may I say the details of my soon to be the last phase! I am at the fag end of a helpless and ridiculous arrangement that had turned me into a recluse for over 2 years time. My intuition says it’s going to be over in no- time; yet, till the time it doesn’t, I am living absolutely at an emotional edge that is just too sharp for my own state of being.
I haven’t talked about this to anyone even in nut-shell before this. I opened up only last year after I started writing. I have started to say it aloud after I have stepped out of that self imposed exile to save the embarrassment. The contents of the following post stands true word by word even today; while the original was typed over 2 years back. Needless to say, it didn’t make any difference to his attitude whatsoever.
If that helps you knowing, I spent a sleepless night yet again!
Just so many things have happened and all of them highly un- pleasant that putting them in a sequence would break my mind; let alone the words to express. Since my present day story is a beautiful fairy- tale, I would refer this period as the last phase. I want it to be the dead and forgotten phase already.

~*~*~

I am aware of the fact that your very reaction to this paper would be that of you finding similarities with your girlfriend till you were her PROVIDER. There are many things that I have come to terms with despite my resentment; this is just one of them (you treating my reactions and responses identical to hers).

I have failed to make you understand that I don’t appreciate your uncalled for rude behavior towards me. With the proximity now, the instances have also increased. Please try and understand, whatever the reason be, I am on my own (YOU TOO ARE NO WHERE AROUND), so whatever it may be, I have to and do deal with it. You have made it a practice of imposing your mind and state of being on me and make an exit as per your convenience. You can’t state your innocence about it as each time it has happened, I have brought this into your notice without any concrete outcome.

The way you are not appreciating this document at YOUR OFFICE table right the 1st thing in the morning (you don’t consider this as my home now- do you?); similarly, I don’t appreciate and feel disturbed with your behavior at MY HOME the last thing of the day. Ironically, since you are the provider, it would go as per your wishes, so it may not be my home and essentially be only YOUR OFFICE, hence your dictums. Yet, I push back and deny taking your shouting, tantrums and all irrational behavioral expressions that you exercise towards me. I don’t come in your way at all, i.e., don’t impose myself on you for WHATSOEVER, yet I get to bear your mood swings with being at no fault of mine.

You have always been showing me down in whatever I try to initiate or even communicate to you. You haven’t been able to suggest any concrete replacements as well even one time, then why this you-know-it-all-attitude towards me? Incase you haven’t understood, try and recall..

  • The other day when I tried telling you about scraping off the wax, you suggested yet another futile way of doing so. Have you actually done that yourself that you were so CONFIDENT and IMPOSING about it? Your tone reflected you-know-it-all and that of I-am-a-beginner really.
  • Yet on another occasion, when I suggested of making beads jewelry, you had your own set of obsolete suggestions to make about how it SHOULD be done and that I have a wrong way of approach!
  • Very recently, you wanted me to do a market survey on what people’s reaction would be on certain way of treating a fabric if I were to start some designing! You keep forgetting my being a professional designer!
  • I wanted to paint and create some upholstery, you suggested I should buy them from the market, why take so much pain to create- whatever!
  • I wanted to get an enlarged painting framed and hang on the outside wall, you wanted me to trash it and buy the already available ones.
  • REALLY NOW, PERHAPS I GET RID OF YOU FOR GOOD AND GET SOMEONE ELSE- RIGHT?

Did you even understand what I had in my mind? What all do you know about it? I hate to make a mention here but I believe, it would be helpful for you to know that I have a flair for it and posses a degree in fine arts with MERIT.

If that’s not all, I have no idea of doing anything whatsoever!

  • When you had scribbled the date manually on the Citibank letter without noticing that I have already done so my way, didn’t you feel you then made the document look childishly prepared?
  • I tried writing articles; you simply commented and affected my compilation, which didn’t make any logic to the essence.
  • More recently, even before I could give you the details, you had cut me short about lampshades not being available at Karol- Bagh. When I patiently concluded what I had to share, you had all the intellect talk about the marble to impose upon me.

I really need to understand, why do you keep competing with me? I am not your contender. Do you see me as a threat to your state of being? I am way too beyond all this because of the reasons I don’t wish to divulge here, as it would go at a different tangent then.

  • If the Computer chord goes bad and I suggest a fix-it, I get to take a beating..
  • I tell you people aren’t good here to be I interacting with them alone, you feel I’m being hesitant.
  • Otherwise also, while suggesting any replacement in your “office” typing work, you acquire a stabbing approach.
  • Time and again I have tried reminding you that alignments happen at a certain stage and are to be done manually. The computer programs won’t work automatically as per your mind until they are formatted so, yet you won’t spare the exasperation and breathe down my neck. I feel really skeptical working in this manner.

In all the instances mentioned above, your tone had been

  • BEYOND rude,
  • Your mannerism highly UN-ARISTROCRATIC, and
  • Your approach very attacking and demeaning the other
  • You are a far cry from being humble and polite. The virtues don’t exist in your book.

HOWEVER, YOU WANT THE OTHER ONE TO LAY HERSELF AS A CARPET FOR YOU TO KEEP STOMPING UPON IT.

I just don’t wish to take any of it anymore.

May be you have been moving around with the people of low intellect and IQ of less than 100 and hence have felt the need of constantly guiding them. PLEASE DONOT BESTOW THE HONOR OF SIMILAR TREATMENT to me.

You don’t have to bother about my breakfast or lunch or dinner anymore, I would inform and ask for if I would want any. The arrangement has now started bothering me. I understand THE THINGS ARE NOT HAPPENING AT MY DESIRED MOMENTUM, so I wish to keep you as well relieved of any of the associated obligations. I’m on my own, LET ME BE. I’m not complaining anyways. You don’t stay with me anyways, and never when I have actually needed you. It won’t be really out of place to mention that I have stopped expecting anything out of this relationship now as you had made me to expect earlier and DON’T WANT ANY OF IT ANYMORE. I’LL BE THE 1st ONE TO PUSH BACK ANY DAY IF SO HAPPENS.

I’m not your daughter that I would keep taking your SCOLDINDS if that may be your surrogate. I’m a lady; treat me like one, else PLEASE KEEP OUT. NO COMPLULSIONS.

I’m pretty stable on my own. Don’t keep making my state of being unstable with your attitude. I don’t get in your way, impose my ideas and make you subject to my high- headed attitude. KINDLY RECIPROCATE.

I have not been able to sleep a wink and wish to be on my own; please don’t cross ways.

I don’t go out with Office People, neither do I appreciate them around me in my Break Time- however close the peer may be. Saying so since that’s all is between you and me. Kindly keep in mind:

  • If you squeeze the Lemon hard, it turns bitter.
  • Hammering constantly at one Contact Point would definitely weaken the Tensility and result in Breakage..
  • By closing the eyes, you won’t turn Oblivious, only you would not know when and how bad it’s going to hit you..!!

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Not a love- letter!

  1. Bodhirose says:

    I am hoping that your troubled past relationships will stay there–in the past! Much love and happiness to you always dear Olivia.

    I have nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award–that is you for sure! xoxo
    http://bodhirose.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/the-versatile-blogger-award-2/

  2. The Gooseberry Garden says:

    brilliant thoughts,

    excellent write.
    how are you?
    your are mentioned in our post today.
    Happy Belated Birthday from Morning/Riika, welcome sharing 1 to 3 random poems with us today.
    http://gooseberrygoespoetic.blogspot.com/2011/09/poetry-picnic-week-3-free-linking.html
    Happy Labor Day,
    Happy September,
    We miss your talent and hope to see your presence in our growing community this week.
    BEST!
    Love and hugs,
    xoxox

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