Retroflex

What am I doing again?

Just yet another time I let go of my apprehensions. Only this time it was a very hard work! Perhaps, all the things those had happened to me have called upon me for a final show down. Incident after the one, those are re-occurring in a manner, as though well conspired- or so it seems.

I have beginning to ponder upon how there could be so many co- incidences.

Why things those had hurt me the most are coming back to me again? Why are those now creating newer versions of the old ones and exactly how I had wanted those to have worked out the first time? Why are those now making my mind hold a never ending series of personal and priceless memories, outdoing all possible afflictions?

Why indeed? In time, will these too grow thorns? Again?

It’s been 4 months that I have been spinning inside a huge vortex; one that is only bringing the past stances back to me again. How could someone be so selfless while giving? Nights together I have sat awake trying to understand the direction of the spin. It so seems that the things around me have sent their message to the Universe; inturn making it send its energies in the manner most unimaginable- such is the intensity of the recent happening!

I feel as though I lived my life till now, once again.

This time around, it is bringing back all that I couldn’t achieve the first time around, undoing things those had gotten messed up then and as I said, outdoing every possible memory those were anyways long over- due an erase! Stances those I had held very dear, those which had become afflicted too at the same time were let go of, once and for all times to come. Patterns those had ruled or if I may- over-ruled my life for decades together were broken. My sub- conscience mind that could never really look beyond just moved. All the possible hurt and pain was lost one fine day. The repeat stances were in complete contradiction to the ones those had happened years back. While all this was happening, little did I realize that the mirror was getting wiped clean!

On it I want(ed) him to reflect his image. How the definition of “him” just changed..

A definite spark of chemistry had struck in no time.

Scratching away at my thought process like a fierce predator, attacking my insecurities- he killed all of those one by one. I could barely react to what was happening! How was I letting someone take over my life as if it were never mine? Why was I letting him do that? I could barely voice out my opinion that I created about my own life based upon my own experiences. How could I only think of him every waking moment? How was I letting his attitude infect that of mine? Why was I listening to whatever he said as a quip? Why the questions he asked made me go into the retrospection mode?

Of all, why he carries a shade of someone I had carried memories of for a bigger part of my life till now?

Why all the things he said was making me think of my mom, or my best friend or everyone else I ever loved and lost already? Why was I becoming scared of losing him again? How he carried all that I ever wanted from different people at different point of time.

Was I hallucinating? Am I delusional now?

I still don’t know about any of why he is doing whatever he is; but do have a close reply to those of mine. It was but obvious to start feeling for someone who had unknowingly done all of what I had ever wanted from different people at different point of time. The most striking peculiarity of this relationship proved out to be the very building block.

However, do I really want whatever I wanted in him in the past few months- anymore?

Did I only rush him and myself into it? Am I holding onto him because I don’t have anyone else to hold upon? Is it only a mix of a few co-incidences and a warm gesture of help that is setting up this delusion? Is it because I couldn’t dote upon anyone ever? Is it really not meant to be? Is he really not worth it? Was this all there was to it? Was I expecting too much then or being overtly judgemental now? Why do I see it falling apart?

These 4 months- is this a mark of a new life or is this only a change of weather?

• Given all the striking similarities, is he going to be the other him, ruffling up my life without “him” yet again?
• After re- living a life similar to that of how I had with my best friend, am I again going to lose him to another country or continent?
• The last time I was loved so dearly was my mom- is this the second and the last time ever?

Anytime I had wanted to end a post with “idk”, he had made a change without I asking for it. Will he do that again? Will I let him do that?

Will he be really able to make a change? Why do things I want badly never happen to me? Not atleast when I want them to. Why do these most cruelly remind me of how relationships keep fizzling out of my hold? That no matter what I do, I am only left with memories to live with instead of that person?

Always?

Was this even worth giving this post so much time?