One of the few things left for me to explore and take forward is my passion for music.
When I say music, it is beyond listening to a few “fave” songs on the music system as it used to be then or on my cellphone or laptop as the case is now. Good music when played loud gives me an unmistakable high; perhaps, why I started to experiment with drinks very late. Combine the two and I will have the most beautiful evenings of the week or month. The time I spend listening to those while getting high on drinks is like making love- each time taking you to unconquered peaks and losing count of the times in the process. I was only a toddler when my elders found out that I could sing and very well at that. That nothing was done about that is one of the brutal facts and grudges I hold against my parents. In exchange of I agreeing to change my school, I was offered to take music classes formally to pursue a degree in the field. As a repercussion of believing my mom, I had lost my school, friends, a relationship that could never be and whatever little I could do about it by participating in school functions.
I don’t tend to carry on with the things without any conclusion.
Anything that I see going nowhere and I still continuing with it kills me until it lasts. Although only 12, I had noticed something about him that had made me to shift my school along with my residence (incidentally) leaving no trail for him to catch up with me ever. Not sure if I would want to use any expression anymore as I have clearly decided it was not unfortunate. Likewise, I don’t wish to give him any credits for anything good that might have already come-up because of him not being with me anymore, not even in my thoughts! Over the period of time, i.e., as late as in 2005, my observation about him proved out to be the most correct one. Somewhere in all of this confusion, I had developed feelings for him- more so out of guilt and with the memories of time spent with him in school. The few songs we sung together or the few he made me listen to ever, are now all washed up ready to create fresh print on my mind.
I was talking about my love for music; why “lost but not love” then?
This isn’t my arrogance speaking when I say that most of my school teachers across all the branches knew me with my name while I didn’t most of them! All the songs I have ever sung are still embedded in my memory sheet. Back then, there were no youtube channels or even any Ipod players. Sadly, the two times I was made to leave my home, I was made to lose my collection of music- both in terms of cassettes and also the fond memories build around while listening to those. In later years, those songs would remind me of the associated stances taking me back to the same humiliation that I had suffered while leaving those alongwith having to leave my house.
Today, as I sit listening to some, all I feel is as if in trance.
I am keeping highly occupied and somewhat disturbed too. Being completely unable to resolve and understand a few things, it’s pushing me to the edge of breakdown. I already spent a couple of days under observation in the hospital as repercussions of taking stress at two different times. Although the medication is only as much as not making me end up in the hospital yet another time; it’s not doing much in terms of relieving me of the anxiety or inquietude that’s brewing in my mind. Each time I breathe in, I feel a throbbing pain stabbing my chest. As if it wasn’t enough, you questioned me if I never give in to listening to music, putting all the songs back for me, in the process showing off a similar taste in music as that of mine, listening with me to my all time fave numbers, screaming to a few in utter surprise and at times in repulsion, downloading others- for me and from me! For once I just wish to stay stoned.
Music makes me stay drunk.
Not exactly shifting my focus, it is somewhat making me remain in a make believe world giving my mind a certain swing to sway in. All the lost music, a few songs that “he” had imprinted upon making me helplessly think of him is now back to me creating a virgin memory. While I am enjoying all that is happening to me, I am trying very hard to keep myself distanced and dissociated too. The memories I am creating right now would stand to be the best ones for all times to come, a fact I am very well aware of. I so wish if I have him along with all the memories that are getting created too. With all his love (or is it only me? Not that I care to know really!), he not only erased all the fun I had, along with its memory of back then exchanging smalls bits of paper with songs written in reply to the previous one with him passed on from the 1st bench to the back bench in 7th standard, but took the whole act of sharing music to a different level altogether. Now, I wonder if someone else can really outdo the whole thing ever.. Every time you made me listen to your fave songs while talking to you or before going off to sleep, it only seemed so right.
That all I would ever have to hold upon would be these memories is the afflicted part.
Yet, I am trying all that I can to take it in my stride and failing miserably. I have not been able to live my life full swing before this. From uncanny co-incidences, to having child like fun to enjoy all that I had missed out upon; I am living all of it right now. I feel I am living my last 34 years of life one more time. With so many stances hitting me when I had left all hope, all I am doing to celebrate “the” right now is to listen to my fave numbers. I have all my songs I had lost back with me from last so many years to as though cheer me up in my present phase!
Just when all of this would end, I’ll play the same numbers in remembrance of the lost period.. with you..
when without you..