Lifelessly alone

17th November, 2011

My best friend Ranu Arora who I lost within a few months of our friendship, one who had first created an impression on me to communicate formally even with friends had once pointed out; I tend to say “I wish” a little too often.. she was right!

I wish there were someone who could decipher my silence as my desperate need to talk to him. I so wanted someone who could read my laughter as my helpless attempt to not cry. I wanted that someone to crowd up my personal space so much that he eventually ended up becoming my habit, my passion and my whole world to me. Who knows this may have already happened.

Till now, I had stayed arrogantly smirk about the fact that nothing could really move me. I used to stay drunk in my ability to not love anyone so much that his action affected my state of being. For years together I had wondered about how upon seeing anyone never made me skip a beat or maybe two!

I never felt this way ever for anyone before. Anyone I have talked about this to has only smilingly concluded it to be love. I only try to explain what it is that I feel for him. I never imagined someone’s silence or disappearance – seemingly unintentional could move my whole state of mind from being at peaceful beach to an after flood bank! The pride I took in never going back to patch up with someone whoever tried to walk away from me came crashing down after meeting someone. My existence gets rocked at his even slightest of avoidance.

Beyond any rational understanding, I go sulking thinking of every possible wretched mis-happening. I so overlook the broader picture of the situation I am in. When it’s about someone and for my life-time; there are more complicated things that would need addressing. Instead, my whole understanding of things crumples down to a cypher.

Fear of losing him engulfs me like the winter fog of January morning. What is it if not insecurity? If only I had someone with me; let alone that someone! I would have been busy with him confusing that far cry from perfect relationship as being the love of my life. Only the ones with lot of vacuum are the ones able to identify what they want. The irony is that they seldom get what they want since in their void, they tend to sketch the exact peripheries of their desires; when in reality, nothing is near perfect. Till sometime back, I could never make someone realize that I hold his hand to get support and to not provide any; don’t know if he now understands but quite likewise becomes my state of mind when I don’t get to hear from him.

Helpless.. Forlorn.. Dejected.. Aimless and completely lifeless! Only silence rules..

Footnote: I had read someone’s diary this morning where he had expressed his disappointment over how things were in his life. I had so wanted to reply to it. Only didn’t know that by the end of the day, I would write something very similar to what I had read!

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
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7 Responses to Lifelessly alone

  1. Rajshree Majumder says:

    Probably its the fear of rejection which makes it so difficult to accept things…… i don’t know but i still have this old belief….that ‘what ever is yours will remain yours…and vis a vis what is not meant for you will not stay with you for a very long time… it or not but we can’t really alter it’!!!!

  2. Bodhirose says:

    If it’s any comfort, Olivia, I have had and still do experience what you have described even with those closest to me and ones that I should know better are not rejecting or distancing themselves from me purposefully.

    I have discovered that it is solely my problem; it has nothing to do with the other person. If not hearing from even one of my sisters for a while, I can sometimes take it to mean that I am not important enough to call and she is ignoring me. It’s so silly but I have seen this pattern in me. It is my own insecurity–big time! I’m not looking at the big picture either–that they have become busy or preoccupied with perhaps their own feelings or problems that have kept them from calling me. And anyway, what’s to stop me from calling them up and asking about them? I think it is an example of self-centered behavior on my part. Why do I make it all about me?

    Bottom line, I have to complete myself wholly and have complete security within myself aside from anyone else in my life to find my happiness. It is not to be found outside of myself–it’s within. No other person or thing holds that power–only I do. Because, as you know, people and things can/will come and go–we are the only ones who are here for the long haul! Damn, sometimes, I wish it wasn’t so!

    I do understand your feelings but most people do not have strong ESP abilities and you will most likely need to communicate in the old fashioned way if you want people to know what you are feeling or thinking. Reading thoughts are not a strong suit of most. 🙂

    Much love for you, friend. I hope you will feel somewhat supported by my words here. I am thinking of you…

    Gayle xoxo

    • Olivia says:

      You know Gayle,

      I end up feeling so low that I am unable to call them up on my own for the feeling of getting dejected yet another time. I let myself believe that maybe I’m over- reacting. Like they say Ignorance is Bliss; so what if I call and find out they indeed are enjoying life..

      I had changed this particular habit while growing up when all of them had labelled me as a snob. I took great pride whenever someone thought I was being choosy when in reality I was only closing myself down! With him, things have indeed gone back to how I used to be; feeling insecure and even getting crushed under my own complexities, inferior if I may add. I get baffled if I don’t get to hear from him. I start feeling I’m being thrown out of his life even when I know he may be unwell or sleeping. It’s more to do with our individual attitude. He is somewhat casual as compared to my being so particular. Of course he is not to be blamed, the problem lies in my understanding. Like I said, if I had someone around me, I won’t have been fretting over then “petty” things; however, the fact remains that I have a history where people indeed have taken me for granted with all sorts of lies thrown in!

      It becomes worse with my ability to sniff the slightest of omission of facts by selection. Then, if that’s not enough; my being liberal in thoughts is again goes to my disadvantage, I’m taken in for a ride. “Biggie, she knows why we did that” They tend to take my being open in thoughts to my being all approving their gigs.. sigh!!

      I so hope he is different; but won’t complain outwardly at least even if he may not be. The situation at his end how it is, I don’t call him or letme say I’m trying to restrain myself; the last thing I wish to hear is I don’t give him space. It isn’t working though- is it now?

      I so appreciate you coming down to comfort me on this one.. Wishing you a nice one!
      Hugs xoxoxoxo

      • Bodhirose says:

        I understand what you said about closing yourself down. I still do that because of past hurts and even though I recognize that I’m doing it, it doesn’t seem to keep me from doing it over and over. When will it all end?! I guess it will take some more lifetimes… 😉

        If nothing else, I realize that relationships (all kinds) can be challenging for me. I’m a loner sort of person and sometimes place myself on the outside of a lot of social interaction (it’s more comfortable for me), but on the other hand wanting someone to at least invite me somewhere so I can have the choice whether to decline or not! Our minds can trip us up something terrible!

        I pray your fears will be laid to rest sooner than later. Perhaps he would love to hear from you and wouldn’t at all feel it would be an intrusion on his space. If you are to have a deep connection, you will have to trust in him and that means being honest with each other–and open. I hope this can be so between you both.

        Warm hugs are coming your way…
        Gayle xoxo

        • Olivia says:

          Hey Gayle,

          I feel exactly likewise.. I mean I have ended up loner too since I don’t expect everyone to understand me. Worse, I am an introvert and no one can guess that.
          In scare of getting judged and often misjudged, I have silenced myself!

          Indeed I wish there were someone to claim that place which is filled with void.. then again, don’t know if ever or when!!

          Sending you love n wishes Dear One
          Hugs xoxox

  3. Mayank Teria says:

    you know life happens…life is but, a cruel irony…

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