17th November, 2011
My best friend Ranu Arora who I lost within a few months of our friendship, one who had first created an impression on me to communicate formally even with friends had once pointed out; I tend to say “I wish” a little too often.. she was right!
I wish there were someone who could decipher my silence as my desperate need to talk to him. I so wanted someone who could read my laughter as my helpless attempt to not cry. I wanted that someone to crowd up my personal space so much that he eventually ended up becoming my habit, my passion and my whole world to me. Who knows this may have already happened.
Till now, I had stayed arrogantly smirk about the fact that nothing could really move me. I used to stay drunk in my ability to not love anyone so much that his action affected my state of being. For years together I had wondered about how upon seeing anyone never made me skip a beat or maybe two!
I never felt this way ever for anyone before. Anyone I have talked about this to has only smilingly concluded it to be love. I only try to explain what it is that I feel for him. I never imagined someone’s silence or disappearance – seemingly unintentional could move my whole state of mind from being at peaceful beach to an after flood bank! The pride I took in never going back to patch up with someone whoever tried to walk away from me came crashing down after meeting someone. My existence gets rocked at his even slightest of avoidance.
Beyond any rational understanding, I go sulking thinking of every possible wretched mis-happening. I so overlook the broader picture of the situation I am in. When it’s about someone and for my life-time; there are more complicated things that would need addressing. Instead, my whole understanding of things crumples down to a cypher.
Fear of losing him engulfs me like the winter fog of January morning. What is it if not insecurity? If only I had someone with me; let alone that someone! I would have been busy with him confusing that far cry from perfect relationship as being the love of my life. Only the ones with lot of vacuum are the ones able to identify what they want. The irony is that they seldom get what they want since in their void, they tend to sketch the exact peripheries of their desires; when in reality, nothing is near perfect. Till sometime back, I could never make someone realize that I hold his hand to get support and to not provide any; don’t know if he now understands but quite likewise becomes my state of mind when I don’t get to hear from him.
Helpless.. Forlorn.. Dejected.. Aimless and completely lifeless! Only silence rules..
Footnote: I had read someone’s diary this morning where he had expressed his disappointment over how things were in his life. I had so wanted to reply to it. Only didn’t know that by the end of the day, I would write something very similar to what I had read!