Screaming solitude

Lack of communication leads to disaster results- says my best friend Ruby!

That’s one of the things I can’t handle besides rejection and indifference.

Come to think of it- all of these are very much related to each other. An outloud coldplay of no emotions expressed towards someone. It sets me into thinking how can a social animal- like we human are, can do something as cruel as this? So far my observation has been that only people with a secured upbringing surrounded by their family and close-bound relationships are the ones who exhibit such brutal expression. Obviously someone who is a loner and is devoid of any relationship- blood or acquired, wouldn’t dare to put the other one into a vacuum.

I am lost in the past.

With absolutely no one to speak with for the past couple of days, which is actually how it was even otherwise before he happened to me, I was forced to go back in time. I mean what else would you do when everything how it is in your present stems back from your past? This is despite the fact that I kept all of that beside me and written down every bit of it explicitly in my blog! I wonder how much someone’s silence made me go back to time when my my life changed to become how it is today, when I was only a kid. No points for guessing- it was the indifference and silence that my life since childhood.

My childhood witnessed my dad and my uncle never speaking with each other, my mom and dad never interacting with each other and I entrapped in the dilemma of talking to whom out of the three. They would avoid every probability of going out in public together- so that they don’t end up communicating even accidentally. My dad wouldn’t talk to me the day he would see me talking to my uncle. Feeling sorry for my dad, I would spend most of my time with him- for which I would be reprimanded by mom till I stopped speaking with him one day.

That wasn’t the end of it.

Like any other young girl, my dad was my first love, who only abandoned us and went absconding when I was all of 12. A year later, my teen crush (perhaps it was not) made me do something that I regretted about till few months back; only to be put back into more or less the same situation as that was by someone yet again. I was sort of labeled as an outcast in both the schools. A huge confusion resulted in making me go completely silent; what options did I have when no one really spoke with me? The second school I went to, I was never accepted. Excepting for a few fun months with Ruby after which she shifted her school, I was treated like an alien!

Soon I stopped talking to my uncle after he barged into the washroom with me standing stark naked. My mom had once made me go for a shower with my dad despite my discomfort long back; after the incident with my uncle, I stopped speaking with her too. The only few months I happen to speak with her in all my life with her is for only 3 months-after which I lost her to death.

Conclusion:

  • Best of the relationships only lasts for a few months.
  • If I love someone, I lose him no matter (to) what.
  • If at all a friendship develops, it’s always long distance.

The only opportunity that I got to live a relationship even if in a fallacy for just a few months has been rudely snatched away from me. Yet again..

Why, I’m not surprised!

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Screaming solitude

  1. Bodhirose says:

    Perhaps that is the reason for the “distance” he has already put between you…he will be gone for a long time and perhaps doesn’t wish to tie himself down during that time.

    • Olivia says:

      I wrote this one when I had that nasty fight- if you remember a fortnight back. We are two different people, yet so alike each other. I realized my art of mistake and then all fell in place..
      Life is indeed being highly unpredictable. Barely a few days of knowing and his silence screams in my ears.. that’s how it has been since I have known him! Anyways, glad I know what this feeling really is!!

      hugs xoxoxo

      • Bodhirose says:

        Yes, I remember. It’s always to our benefit when we realize our mistakes… so we can move on with things and not stay stuck! Sometimes easier said than done though…
        Hugs…xoxo

        • Olivia says:

          lolsss.. just that it didn’t work out the way I had wanted it to.. I am more or less stuck up and not here by choice! Precisely why I am kinda on a wait!!
          Hugs xoxoxoxo

  2. Bodhirose says:

    It’s no wonder you think the way you do, Olivia. You have been programmed like this since you were a child. It’s very difficult to change those ingrained messages isn’t it. My heart is with you.

    • Olivia says:

      Thank you Gayle.. I feel terribly empty and dejected! I am tired of hanging onto the receiving end- then again, what choices do I have?
      It’s not the 1st time though- I have been shut off by him many a times. Only a day back I had sat outside for hours on end in cold thinking he may not call me apparently. How could he so simply forget? Every time I had cried my heart out stating how silence is synonymous to death to me- yet he pretended he didn’t know. Despite, I made all my efforts- but he refused to speak with me!

      I mean just how much silence and rejection can I take?

      • Bodhirose says:

        The power is totally with you, Olivia. You can be the one to say “enough” of this silliness. It sounds like a cruel game to me and you don’t have to play it! I know you opened your heart to him but he has chosen to treat it disrespectfully. If he is unhappy about something regarding you, he should be man enough to communicate that clearly to you and either you both can work on the problem together or say your goodbyes. You can be the one to draw the line and say–no more! I wish you strength and courage!

        • Olivia says:

          He is leaving in a couple of months for the next 5 years for his higher education anyways. So blocking him out (like he does) is certainly not on my mind.. but how it’s going, I won’t be surprised if it hits the same end! He is casual practically about everything- that is diametrically opposite of how I am!

          For once, I am completely clueless to how I should react to all of this!

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