Left out..

Just finished watching “Bol
Wish I could put up the same question as the lead actress, the narrator herself does in the movie, to my dad.. Ironically, he is still alive and I’m no better than dead.

  • Why killing is a crime and giving birth not?
  • Why giving birth to an illegal child is criminal and giving birth to a legal one only to be left to rot in the hell not?

Thanks to him that I am not a mother yet.

In the whole process of his fathering me and then abandoning his family, he has left me as an illegal child who is only leading a life of an orphan. Things are so screwed up that no man has been courageous enough to take me the way it is. Guess what, they all are but men.

Quite miserably I have been forced to live a life of that of a loner. Beneath the façade that I put up of being a snob and fiercely independent lies a great yearn to build a family of my own. However, I could never trust a man enough to take him as the father of my child. I have made everyone around me believe that I don’t like kids when on the contrary I kept growing up my daughter in my thoughts.

My father not only ruined his own married life, but also my mom’s and mine too. I am yet to understand that how many more generations to come would take repercussions to my father’s that one careless act!

The very fact that I resemble him makes me feel no better. After all the years of brooding about the past stances that perhaps I’m leading my mom’s life- since all that happened with my mom was re-repeated with me too; I realised that actually, I’m living a life quite similar to that of my dad’s. Horribly redundant to mention; the realization was not at all pleasant.

Alongwith the other artistic talents, I have also inherited his mastery over running away. Although my running away is situational and not a trait; however, I definitely know how to leave relationships behind and live alienated even in a company or family. That I do so out of no choice is something I choose to ignore at this point in time.

For now, I am what my father made of me – a terrible social reject. A recluse and a borderline retard, who is too scared to initiate any relationship. How he lived solitary despite being in family and leaving them behind is something he has made me do too, making me live a deprived and missed out upon life.

I wish, I could disown him legally too.

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Left out..

  1. Dearest Olivia — how can a borderline retard write so well I forget her native toungue it not English??!

    “You find blessings by tearing down all the emotional barriers within yourself.” How wonderful you identify your challenges to overcome!

    And this additional Liara Covert thought might be good — I’ve been reading her “Self Disclosure” again lately, and now am randomly picking out lines you might like… “Consider where you are, how you feel and what you have in your life are partly based on fear you have allowed to grow in you and control you. As you reflect more on goals ask yourself honestly what is happening, where you wish to be.”

    A third Liara thought for you today…”As you love, you transform. It’s up to you how.”

    And Rumi said something about love is always for the taking when we reach out, or in, for it. Well, I added that last bit “or in.” But I like it!

    Glad I saw your purple tulips bouquet on my Friends page today, thought of you and popped over.

    I think I was a bit of a loner for a while too. Nothing wrong with that from time to time.

    And here below is a poem I wrote earlier today…(Mieshka is our 8-month-old cat.)

    I Have This Dream

    I have this dream Mieshka

    will get to the point where

    the parakeets will hop all

    over her head and ride on

    her back on a little saddle.

    I have this dream, well

    actually more of a memory

    that will probably always

    be with me like some are.

    It’s about a haiku

    and a man commanding

    his dog to live forever.

    And now I’m going

    over to Olivia’s.

    See you later!

    xooxox

    xoxo

    • Olivia says:

      Very thoughtful of you sweetheart 🙂
      Thank you so much for stopping over.. Wishing you a very happy new Year Jannie darling!

      Indeed, I feel very disconnected from the outer world- society the way it is. I loved your thoughts and feeling warm already. Loads of love to you xoxoxoxo

  2. Bodhirose says:

    This saddens me to see what you have written about yourself. I’m so very sorry for your broken heart, Olivia, and how people have let you down and hurt you. I can relate.

    Warm hugs are making their way to you, dear friend…
    Gayle xoxo

    • Olivia says:

      Thank you Dear Gayle..
      It’s people like you who is making my life worth living, else it’s too messed up to even live.. let alone try to straighten; making it better is a different story altogether!!

      loads of hugs n wishes to you too
      xoxoxoxo

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