Beyond my wits!

It is only right that every end marks the birth of a new beginning!

They say all that begins comes to an end so anything that was born will die its own or brought upon it death. It’s also true that where there’s a vacuum, the nearby substance would move in to fill that space.

But what about the thoughts those keep my mind clouded even when I want to only shirk those away? The ones those keep me occupied as though that’s all I was meant to do? It doesn’t matter if I am in a company or sitting lonesome, those thoughts keep blowing in my mind like mad evening breeze. The bright and the sharp tones keep etching and playing themselves like some chaotic landscape. Some are pleasant; some are not. Some are questions; answer to which I may know but curiosity keeps nudging at me to sit back and see what would be- may I say this time?

Words like soul- mate, passion, love seem to have defined themselves for the first time ever. Definitions have been merging out of the denial that I have been living in till now. By not allowing myself to think over, am I being easy again? Maybe this time I should be.. Alas, if only the allowance could rule the disobedience.

Differences are huge- attitude, life-style, understanding of life- almost diagonally opposite. Yet, I kept giving in and if I am writing about it here, I am still giving in then. Abstaining is complete denial. But my making the very mention of that is the acceptance in itself!

My peeve of drawing comparisons between two people is not working well this time. The similarities or the un-canniness range from some of the afflicted relationships to some very memorable ones to some I would never be able to hold with anyone again. Or maybe I just did this once bit! Infact, all of those altogether..

I feel I stand under a hail-storm. Realizations, questions, their answers and then newer questions have been hitting me all over as I stand naked trying to absorb life this one time. Never ever have I let my guards down so low that the other one sees right through me. I feel I have been pierced through every pore and when there were no more left to be stabbed, newer ones were wounded in. Never before I talked so much or shared things so very personal to me without caring for any opinion or judgement. Never before my words were heard so loud before I actually even decided to speak. Never before was I held so many times up. Never before was I pulled out held by my hand. Never before did I cry or laugh with life thrown in at stake. Never before the windows of my thoughts were forced open so many times.

Metaphorically and quite literally too!

I am thinking too much but I’m done giving in on impulse. It’s deeper than any instinct could tell. It’s burning my insides like some fire in the woods. I feel the fire and the ice both at the same time steaming me to vapor.

  • I need some water to burn the fire down.
  • I need some warmth to melt those ice crystals before they hit me.
  • I need some hand to hold me forever so I don’t even stumble or fall down.
  • I need a canvas to paint and keep doing that forever..
  • I need that music to keep me under its spell till eternity and beyond!
  • I need a door so I can walk out- out of the hurricane of thoughts, away from the eye of the cyclone.

One way or the other!

  • I wish to live and love.

Or awaken my peeve of running away… only my mind is not letting me do that!!!

I want to be whole again and then forever so these thoughts lose their existence… for all times to come.

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
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