… and a piece of my heart too!
Don’t ask if we ever loved one another… how does it matter now? It’s the result that matters, efforts don’t count. they only reflect in your concluded concoction.
It’s 3.30 past midnight and I’m barely able to wink. I haven’t been drinking my goblet to ecstasy- been over a week now. Yet, I drag myself around the house like a zombie in its death sleep. The street lights caste an orange glow in the living room. It’s too warm, so I am sitting on the floor to cool off my nerves. I have showered thrice in the past four hours. My smock is wet with the water I have splashed to feel better… so are my eyes. Sleep has gone for a date and a late night drive with its girl- after a movie, a cozy dinner and a coffee with a heavy desert thrown in perhaps. I am both washed away and drenched at the same time. It’s taking every last pore on my body to ounce up energy to keep myself composed. I am dealing with something that I could not years back even though I was very much stable financially, emotionally and even socially maybe then.
It is giving me a huge discomfort to stand witness to how amicably we are working towards filing a petition for legal separation. If only we worked this way towards maintaining that now no more of a wedlock. Since the repercussions are for both of us to take; it doesn’t really matter who was at fault. Degree might vary and it does. The loss I have suffered cannot be quantified; especially, when I say I am dissolving the one and only relationship left to me… although if only acquired. This is after I have wanted to be a wedded wife opposing to my mother’s constant nag of I remaining single!
I am yet to figure out what is tougher- to be on your own; or to fight (since “face” is a mild word) a separation, being on your own. This isn’t the first time I would undergo the process of feeling humiliated. The last time I had withdrawn the application the day I was to obtain the degree after crying wild for over two hours at the court- in full view of the entire public. I had failed to summon enough courage to fight the feeling of being left completely alone, even though the relationship had died four years back, within the first few weeks of our wedding, if not days.
A few years back from then, I had quite literally begged at someone’s feet to stay around helping me to stand back on my own two feet. I was stable financially; all I needed was a support and a little help with few odd things so I could break away from an abusive marriage. He was no other than my childhood classmate who had confessed never- ending love to me in teens. For some reasons I had labeled him as a spineless, walking out on him leaving no contact for him to trace back to me. I wouldn’t venture any further into what had happened next since that would kill the essence of this post; but rudely enough I learnt, I was right at judging him. Shamelessly if I may; he had agreed to how well I had read him back then. This was when I had pleaded to him for help in 2005.
The art of acting indifferent and being cold is something that all the men have taught me in all these years. From dad to uncle, to ex to everyone else; it is them who have shut off on me. Only with the passage of time, they get the same gesture extended to them in multitudes. Come to think of it, the only relationships I have lived are with the first level people (parents, spouse) and in complete estrangement. Neither my dad cares where I am today; nor did my ex ever… what to talk of anyone else or any other men!
It isn’t easy to sum it up all without scarring my state of being. A week since the talks are on, I have been breaking down into pieces every night. I try to keep busy in day crowded by my domestic; but at night, the stillness enters my body and then scatters a zillion pieces of me with no one at all to gather those fragments back for me. How much of me I am losing every day since past 10 days now is unaccountable. I am becoming stoned and unforgiving; to being the same recluse, who had denied talking to anyone, let alone about her. If you aren’t with me when I need someone the most; why would I bother at a later date anyway? Most people think I’m a private person. If I were, I won’t have been writing it out here. The point is, I try to save the hurt by masking myself under a façade of being a snob!
That is just not all. I’m desperately trying to break away from a pattern. So far till now, I have lived the destiny that was carved out based upon my mother’s life. All instances bad that had inflicted her life have marked my life too. No scientific explanation can be supplicated to the fact that it typically seems that I am born destined to fulfill her set of Karmas! Her dreams, ideals, habits and every bit of her peeves have come to define who I am. It no longer was… it is now, in me. Once I obtain the decree and the papers, I’ll be breaking away from another one of those patterns after; which, there’s only one more left…
That won’t be easy either, but break away I shall!
With that, I sit back leaning on the single bed and wonder; how many more chances could I have given to him… or to him… or to anyone else? The signs were in my face and yet I didn’t turn him down when he had finally proposed to me. He wasn’t on his knee or with a ring. He takes flowers to be a wasteful gift. The rest of the details are dirty, so sparing. Come to think of it, the flowers didn’t ornament the room even on the wedding night. The look was more that of a refugee camp; a make shift room to pass the night, dozing off if you could after surviving the shock. Wasn’t I entitled to something romantic, something charming… wasn’t that…!
Like I said, it doesn’t matter anymore…