It’s been a year that I’ve been contemplating committing it.
Just who knows I might have taken some step towards achieving the desired outcome already? I am not a coward, that’s all they say; I won’t. But before I fall myself in that category, I’ll make sure to have taken care of every possible mess that has pulled me nose deep into their dirt. I’ll resolve and set the things in order before I make an exit.
If all that’s bothering me to take a step as such, is taken care of, then why?
One and simple reason, I’m saturated till the tip of my last hair, even the ones I epilate. I’ve grown tired of suppressing my emotions. If I do emote, it goes misunderstood. It isn’t self-pity I invest in; but everyone has right to react or express the hurt or displeasure over; i.e., excepting me!
I wish to live a life and with someone…
But that would be like giving him to come to terms with too many conditions. One gamble I don’t wish to play, my losing that would kill me either way. I haven’t become insane yet, but my words definitely reflect differently here; and I for once, don’t care… not anymore.
The good news is that any day I do attempt to; I would be successful the very first time itself.
Given the situation that I stay on my own and with absolutely not a single soul watching over me; this won’t be any hard work. All I need to do is send my domestic on a leave or perhaps ask her to leave her job at my place. Furthermore, there isn’t anyone who would miss my presence or notice my disappearance; let alone come looking for me. Infact, if there were any, why would I be contemplating doing this at the first place? Feel free to call me a chicken feet, loser and every other demeaning word you could think of; yet, the fact remains I don’t want to take up to fight and win anymore battles. I’m done for this life to say the least.
I do have books I wish to get published; but once I’m no more, the failure to have gotten them printed would also not bother.
With these small pearls of sedatives popped in, I feel more alive. I now empathize with the people who resort to drugs after extended period of abuse in their lives. How stoned it leaves you makes you live a little more… by taking you away from the panic inducing thoughts. These are different than drugs; not that I’ve tried ever- as much as I want to.
You have absolutely no idea what it takes!
Pardon the over-tone of arrogance but you would not know what my state of being is if you have even a single relationship to fall back upon; quite sincerely, I don’t wish anyone to know the feeling either. However lame or dead, a relationship or tag or a person… at least you have someone beside you. Here, I’m all set to break the last of the ties- not that any of it was even left.
I lose it in the end.
People I have ever loved (nevermind the labels), have always left me to myself. Be it parents, acquired relationship, friends… death, abandonment, difference of temperament, career disagreement, geographical relocation- these are all but some redundant excuses. What matters is the conclusion. The matter of fact is that I’m left alone ever since mom had died when I was 17. A fierce determination to sail through had kept me going then, else all would have ridiculed my mother- come to think of it, if she wasn’t that neglected by the same bunch of people; she would have still been alive.
I am not toying with anyone’s emotions.
I am not breaking anyone’s dream, not breaking hearts, not leaving anyone alone- what I mean is, I have taken care of all the metaphorical emotional statement of obstructions.
But if there were any to whom it may have bothered; why would I have decided to- to begin with?