6th May, 2012- 6.30pm
I am walking the way down to my house. Serenity is playing around as much as loneliness on my state of being. For most of you, “feeling lonely” is a phrase, for me it’s a call that croons on me almost any time of the day; depending upon my frame of mind.
Something is playing up on my mind…
It’s a weekend and people are moving around with an animated smile. What is the occasion again? What are they celebrating? A married life with kids, a vehicle to move around in, a home in countryside place distant from all civil amenities and a maddening job that pays to cover the guilt of being what you have become now; is that it? Where is that warmth gone, the real excitement of meeting someone? Who wants to anymore but? Thanks to FB or Skype that I too activated only last night.
Distance is the only closeness left in relationships…
Entering my locality I heave a sigh… not of relief. Familiarity is lost since the past few days now ever since… Something life- changing has happened to me. All concrete outcomes are still left for me to hit into, I already feel the difference! The greens of the tree leaves remind me of the place I just been to. The crimson magenta plumerias, the hibiscus, the reds of gulmohars, I feel them waving at me. I wave back at them. I take out my camera to click some to hold the time, to freeze some memories, to tell them I acknowledge to their love for me.
I seem to be evolving spiritually once again…
An elderly gentleman come close to me asking what magazine was I shooting the pics for. I only smiled, almost like a fool that I so anyway am. Amused at being asked with an inviting smile and glowing eyes behind those black wide framed glasses, I fumble that it was only my hobby. “It is your hobby alone?”, with a scientist’s precision to formulate a balanced equation, he chided in argument, “but you see, this has to go for print somewhere- magazine…” baffled at his commotion for a girl in a top n tights and short dark brown messed-up hair with dry skin flakes all over her face, I meekly made a mention of my blog. His interest in knowing the outcome of my snapping the shutter film intrigued me no end. How welcoming was his company. He took it for granted that those pics were being captured for an audience and a wide one at that. It seemed my replies weren’t in his processing system so he kept coming back with his question about the printing of those till I said- “God willing, maybe someday.” He looked satisfied with my answer and added a line “because you see, hobby is fine, but it’s got to get printed somewhere, that’s how it’s got to be…”
Cruelty doesn’t bring tears because that’s only an expression of sympathy which may have no intention or act of help alongwith or underneath the emotion…
Blinking away my tears, I walk further. If it were old times, I would have bowed to seek his blessings. His curiosity made me wonder how he could stir up such big thoughts when I only own a digicam and not a DSLR yet and what to talk of standing a tripod and adjusting shots… sigh; although I do have a few fine settings to play around with. I wasn’t dressed up; let alone formally or as a photographer… phewww! I need to stop myself from being carried away now.
Is that a sign I’m ignoring?
I walked a few more metres; “miles” won’t be an appropriate word for that. He gathered some fellow gentlemen for the evening walk passing by several times. Talking to him for only a few minutes filled me with a sense of purpose. A man of his age, experience and learning (for his English was impeccable), saying such assured words of outcome instead of leaving at a hurried reply to his curious question is making me stop in my thoughts just about again.
Just what am I doing- really?
His caring to know the purpose of my wandering about clicking randomly stirred me with affection. It was an absolute contrast to how my life is. This is how any day goes for me- I talk to no one, I see no one, no one comes to see me because I stay in some gaddamn part of the NCT that is “inaccessible”. How the vacuum was filled and so beautifully. I feel some cold vapors danced upon my senses melting away some part of me.
I am stoned.
It’s been over a day’s time that I am in the present state of limbo. I no longer wish to speak or interact. I don’t wish to express excepting on my blog. My health condition is deteriorating by the day. I’m practically pushed off my emotional level and most certainly want to scream the life out of the people who have made me the way I am. I don’t want to share or complain; I’m unable to connect on individual level anymore. I don’t know who is who to me and unless sorted, I am going to stay quiet; both in words and in expression. I don’t even wish to tell them why. I feel I have overtalked already. I have been quietened a li’l too often, will now be this way. The chat with that elderly gentleman is a different story!
I have lost my sound.
“God bless him.”