Feelinglessness

I am numb again.

For crying out loud, it’s a chewing gum and I am not chewing. Instead of feeling depressed like I did earlier every time it progressed any further; today, I feel light headed- as though unburdened… relieved from a “what I don’t know”. A sense of light headedness has crept in. I am grinning. It wasn’t my assignment or did I take it to be? Almost a yearlong of investing into someone else’s interest, running along with at odd hours, at the intimation at the 11^th hour to handling disappointments whenever an impediment cropped up (all of which has been weeded out eventually), to handling a broken person with jiggered dream since it was too close a chase; I feel a sense of accomplishment creeping in… although I am in doubts how fair it would be to carve out of someone else’s personal and rightful achievement!

The thoughts pushed it through.

How true my want has been that it is happening finally; what with the country regulations changing towards his advantage of course. I was surprised no end back then too, when it did not materialize the first time around. Was it my thought that had held him back? Did at any point of time I “loved” him enough to hold him back? I had hated myself for a good month’s time, staying away from him lest it was actually me. Maybe since I couldn’t do it myself, my sub- conscious thoughts were affecting him… Having coming aware of his career plans, I had taken all of that upon me personally. Reasons… I know how bad it hurts when you fail and fall, you never go up then. It’s just that I know the taste of setbacks. I didn’t do much, only stepped up when I saw the patterns repeating, the ones those have marred my innocence, ambitions and my life- if I may to certain extent.

The million dollar question is what was so great that happened.

Most of you know him already. For the rest of you and even then, he made me live the life I missed out on. Last 33 years of my life were undone in every which way possible in barely a few weeks alone outliving most of the bitter relationships I been through till now. The only sweet relationship I can think of was with my mom who is nomore and perhaps my best friend Ruby who is miles apart. For once, he brought upon me my childhood, my teens, my best friend, my mom and every other relation that failed in my face, all to me at one time. There were as though big stones thrown in a strong current for me to step on and enjoy; him being that refreshing tide washing me to being a person I wanted to be… and was once.

It’s been a long travel since.

I won’t be able to point out on any of it anymore; only he would know what I mean. I made sure that he leaves and as soon as possible. I hold some very mean motives. I just want him to go and go away. Go out there and live a life that he wishes to. I sincerely wish how he undone my past over 3 decades, all his decades to come brings to him all that he has been collaging about in his mind. I am not depressed at having received the confirmation of his leaving the country finally. So my selfish emotions for him didn’t play up after all. He has earned his deserving. His aspirations are big and this day plants a milestone in his a very successful life to come.

With this, I wish him all the very best in his a very wonderful life to come!