Action replay

Almost all my writes are soaked in my tears.

Not in an attempt to find the right word; which, by the way does happen while zeroing in on the title; but, remembering a date from past with similar shades threatening to tell.

Take for instance my creative writing classes.

It was while compiling the sheets for the portfolio submission that my eyes could no longer contain it. Almost two decades back, around after a month from today, I was bent on my cartridge sheet to complete my assignment. People coming in to mourn my mother’s death were beyond appalled. They couldn’t understand why a seventeen year old was busy “playing” with colors when it was barely a few days that her mother had passed away. Whether I was engrossed in my work ignoring their remarks because I wanted my submission to be as good as it always had been or if it was out of seeking refuge, I wouldn’t know. All I know that that was the last time I had sat down to study at home, if I may say so. My mother’s dream of seeing her daughter achieving something great in her life had gotten hanged mid-air. She didn’t live long enough to witness her daughter failing (and falling) since then.

Relationships, life, battles… didn’t matter whatever.

I was moved out of the house by my uncle soon. English Honors that I was pursuing got fizzled. People I knew then did not tell me where IGNOU was. People I met later didn’t care too. The eight year long period got lapsed and I could not study literature despite my having wanted to.

I wouldn’t give any excuse that I had a full time Textile Designing course to take care of or that arranging for 15k for the fee was my only priority. I had a loser guy staying right with me in name of “protecting” me. I was fending for him too.

Consequently, I had stopped writing and sketching. I was left bitter. I did come out of then current mess but my life is still to be sorted out.

Cut to 2012.

I lost someone very dear to me only a month back, not to death this time (thankfully); but brutally. Defining him as “the love of my life” or “the one I loved the most” will define his relationship with me in a very limited way; so, I choose not to give any description in words. How many more times will I be left estranged before it stops?

I am stuck in a very tricky situation; almost in bondage. The game is little reversed, I am not the provider anymore.

One of my classmates from the second school one day happened to tell me about a course. Its diploma equivalent is being run by IGNOU (why that again), the one I have opted for is a certificate course. Tomorrow is my portfolio submission. This time around, I have no one with me who could possibly die leaving me stoned. Managing the finances is still the trick question, and many more similarities besides the ones I just made a mention about, stare in me.

My wish list is a long parchment of broken dreams.

Is that my desire to study that got brutally neglected that has landed me into this course?

Is life trying to pay back in loose change for what I couldn’t really do and for what I wanted to… and writing is not the only thing!

This doesn’t end here…

Back in those days even wired phone connection was rare. One applied and then waited till he was allotted a phone number. No one bothered. Staying in touch was through snail mail, we called it letters back then. LIS wasn’t a school I liked much. I was unable to make any friends; let alone exchanging notes with them. Most of them were busy painting me dirty. I didn’t care much even then. A girl whose father had abandoned her when she was 12 had had to be as strong as a punching back.

It’s different now.

We have google groups to interact on, besides FB. Then, texting each other on cell; we updating each other of our progress on the portfolio; I feel I am in a group, one I had missed since my GFPS days. The one who intrigued me into it, as well as my best friend is from LIS. Again, is life throwing at me what it had claimed so many years ago?

What is the Universe conspiring upon this time?

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Action replay

  1. I like how honest your writing is. Life is meant to be a learning experience – and if it were easy and filled with no pain, then I don’t think we would be able to learn very much. Follow your heart and what you love…it will not lead you astray.

  2. Bodhirose says:

    Maybe life is trying to pay you back something…who knows…but if it feels good and lifts your spirits go for it. The connections I’ve made online seem just as real to me as any I’ve made. Sharing ideas, opinions, fears, pain, etc…sometimes it seems it may be easier to share deeply with each other when we’re not facing each other in real life… Perhaps that it just my opinion though.. Do you feel that you can share more or less with your “real life” friends?

    Hugs, my friend! xoxo

    • Olivia says:

      You are right my friend…
      I do find like minded people in real life too; but the life I lead in words in different in expression than how I do when face to face with people…

      Whoever catches me (in any of the worlds), gets to know me!

      That said, some of the friends I have through online interactions, they bust up my already busted bust line with pride!! The best ones of the lot 🙂

      Hugs xoxoxo

  3. magiceye says:

    The strain of poignancy runs right through the objective statement… Take care… You are doing fine…


  4. Jamie Dedes says:

    Sometimes we decry the loss of the handwritten letter; but current techologies do help us connect and maintain connections. The English poet, John Donne, said “Letters mingle souls.” Could we say that of FB. I think so ….

    Be that as it may, that doesn’t relieve the “slings and arrows” that pierce our hearts and about which you have written so poignantly.


    • Olivia says:

      Thank you my dear sweet Jamie! Infact, it really doesn’t end here… while pursuing my Textile Designing, I used to stay in a village-ish place. Where I stay isn’t that but it’s no better in terms of amenities n connectivity. I am still wondering what’s to hit me next…

      Many hugs right back at ya

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