That I am fixing a drink at 3.30 in the morning, could mean one of the following:
I may be stressing…
Something must be bothering me beyond my ability to handle it…
I may be anxious…
Perhaps, depression is winning…
Maybe, I am excited…
Actually, all the above.
The easiest guess is that I may be awake… obviously I am. The toughest one is to guess the reason(s) behind my being so. This is after I walked for an hour’s time on heels. I had a pleasing company at dinner. I ate what I like; if not the most. I talked almost the whole day. What I mean is, I wasn’t left alone even for a single second to let the reasons bother me to think about them. Only, they have succeeded. Why else I am awake?
I am socializing with like-minded people; but, that isn’t helping beyond a certain point. I am still in the hiding. Rarely do I go online or blog. Nothing new has happened really. Not even the realizations. That had happened half a year back. I identified the problem and have known the solution to it too. Wait; there isn’t any other option available either, other than what actually is the only solution.
After having drawn all the conclusions; well, most of those- for I am still in the introspective mood, I am suddenly gripped with this fear. Someone in me who has no stage fright, has never suffered of performance anxiety and has always been known to act on impulse is suddenly trapped. Something invisible yet highly powerful like some goddamn cosmic force is entrapping me from within. My intuitions say nothing. Infact, the poor guy is trying to push me forward with his pitchfork. Right, he and the devil has swapped to save me from being in two minds and playing accordions on double octave; yet, I am as passive as though possessed.
I have read all the signs. The phase is in its dying phase trying to cling on to me to save itself. It is a huge tug by the shriveling phase to keep thriving on me. It has foreseen its death and now making desperate attempts to shrug me out of the mode I have gotten into. The fight is exhausting. I fear if I would be left with enough verve to act upon after I have scared the phase in turn. I can see from here that it would get into another round of pulling me back once I have stepped out of it. That too is scaring me.
I have done this twice before. First time, it was a huge success. Second time it was not as much; why else I am trying to do it the third time then? That is tiring me too. Thinking about what I had done the first time that I need to repeat this time so as to leave no room for any failures. I am also peeping into where I fizzled the second time. Not that that concerns me anymore but that is to only be careful this time around. To me, it is a very big change that I am bringing upon. The world may not notice immediately; but, apparently will in sometime. The risk calculation has been done. I also know that certain unforeseen circumstances will arise during implementation and execution. Then again, it’s me who says, do it and see what comes of it and brace it with your heart in the similar way you had embraced the affair.
This one isn’t about any affair though. That would have been simpler; relatively, or not!
Inactivity has blunted my vigor. All the words about stepping out of comfort zone fall in place here; only, this is not a comfort zone anymore. It never was… or else, I would have talked about it like I usually do. For once, I am not being as clear as I always have been so far; but what to talk of it either? It’s all dirt and dirty. Betrayal, deceit, lies are just a few contemptuous virtues some people practice. It’s the experience of these that cut you to unsewable chunks. I have gathered all the pieces together. Now, I am praying that the chunks stick together while I am in the motion of conducting the changes to hit me.
I don’t have a back-up plan. There are none actually. This will have to be. Like I already said, there are no other options available other than what is required of me to be done. That indeed is what is required of me.
To act! Strike like a lightning. Drop as rains. Bloom in rhythm. Blow as wind.
Do all of that.