Conclusion begins now

I don’t lose things… ever. I find a way to find them back. If I wish for something, it crawls to me almost always. If only that held authentic for people too. My work- off days kinda went really well excepting for I having lost yet another someone. That’s a pattern now; one I’m not comfortable with still.

After lot of wishing and stashing after sometime of brooding for the past 3 days, I went out today. I went to Gaffar Market to fetch my belated b’de gift. Mary gifted one right before my b’de when we met- so I got a shining bottle to myself for the day anyway. My childhood friend was here from Dubai. We met after a year again. Last year I had negated the very date though we had met two days after my birthday. That was yet another day spent running around. This year too we had spent the day roaming in Saket mall. Before running home, I bought my butterscotch cake and first set of twin watches from CP. I was really excited… but that was needled in too hard so the feeling died before I had started savouring.

I bought Issey Miyake edp, a few nail paints and eye liners from one of my fave haunts. Colors, I tell you! I bought a hair color too. I wore one of the new watches that I had gifted to self on my right wrist how mom used to or how I do. My work there was concluded in no time. After some trailing and snaking through the traffic, I reached yet another haunt- Malviya Nagar, where some of my most memorable days were spent. I visited my friendly neighbourhood -then- chemist. Oh boy, he too was missing me- 15 years of knowing them; bought the necessities those I consider more like accessories. I packed food from one of my fave eat outs. That’s where I ditched the vehicle submitting myself to public transport. Next to Nazeer was Dunkin Donuts; packed a few burgers for breakfast. Waiting for food to be packed, I called the auto chap so he picks me up from the metro- station. For years together I stayed confided: transport and finances being the prime constraints. I am in the process of sorting the rest.

I love this runaway life. I don’t want to sit caged up or be instructed or led by their choices. I have had a fill of it already. I like running around and about collecting things I need and get swollen tired. State of Trance played in my ears… on my way to heaven. I managed to grab a place to sit in metro although I was coming home at peak office time. This wasn’t the first time really. I board the train placing my faith that I shall get a seat. So far, it’s working out well. I feel I’m guided by the Divine; this is how I feel His presence.

Music was doing things to me. I didn’t want to observe people today. I saw them observing me; my eye make- up maybe or my hair that wears an enviable texture after I went bald or perhaps my skirt or the low neck floral top. I knew not and left it at that. While waiting for the auto chap here in Gurgaon, I slipped into Metropolitan mall and checked out a few more things.

My manager wished me – belated wishes they were. I grinned reading his text sitting in the auto rick. Travelling through the same road as I do from work, I felt I was in a dream. Only three nights back I traveled through the adjoining road; it isn’t that long back. Besides, I’ll be taking the route again in less than two days. It seemed I was running through a long forgotten track… in certain way I was. I stopped by the local veggie haat and shopped veggies too. Only I can do it – stepping into a local on road market wearing my signature skirt and high heels. What the heck! I got what I wanted at steal away prices.

Now sitting home. Wondering.

I do this drill whenever I travel from Gurgaon to Delhi. The place I stay in is countryside. Veggie market happens outside the community gate twice a week. They start setting up the place after the sunrays go slanted which is why I can’t club picking up veggies while riding back from work which at the farthest clock gets stretched to 3pm. So it’s usually after meeting my friend at MN, still visiting the same chemist, combining all of it the day the market is set up so I buy veggies. Phew!

When was the last time really I felt so contented? Was it a few days back when my excitement was killed by that someone who I am considering lost now? Was that when I was employed for the last time… some seven years back from today? Or was it before I overlooked and got into the marital institution only to get bruised and get thrown away apparently? Why only eyeliners, my foot- wears too were matched to my shirts then. I hear silence in reply. I don’t feel sorry anymore. I don’t cry either. A bit of pang is left for falling off the level I was at once.

I have figured out what had happened to me here and why it all went out of control. Not everything is within the outline; yet, I feel my old self emerging back in me. Which is precisely why I have so many things typed into this insignificant post without sitting back to cry a few tears. I have shed all of I had to. Notice: how I would jump the transition in the next two lines.

It’s not the clock alone that tells time.

I am happy.

I am listening to Ray of Light that once set me free.

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Conclusion begins now

  1. Bodhirose says:

    This account sounds like a reflective one, Olivia. I do think we grow and discover things about ourselves our whole lives. It was nice to read that you were feeling content.

    • Olivia says:

      Thank you dear soul sister. It’s coming to me as your blessings. I will soo write about what I discovered and what really had happened to me. I realised to stay bitter at self would mean letting the ones who created the bitter me win. I’m trying to now forgive myself and inspiring the lost me to grow instead of rebuking her which is what I’ve been doing so far.
      Thanks for stopping by to leave your blessings.
      Hugs my dear xx

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