Abundance was seeping into average and before I knew, it blended with insignificance only to become non- existent. My identity and the amount of contentment waned before I could register the nightmare coming to shape. Self-dependence had zoomed straight into nothingness.

It claimed my work, confidence and a few acquired not really a relationship to realize what I want. Reverse the essence: if those acquired relationships were not given the undue precedence; this post would not have found words. I would have saved my work, attitude and myself too. 

Once again I am all set to create the colors of rainbow on my canvas; the shades of which I lost not so long back. The splashing tides from not so remote past still scare my state of being threatening me to lap me.

I seem to have found the strength to carry on, taking things in stride… I will, once I get ahead. I need to gain momentum and that’s irritating me- the lack of it. Maybe it’s brewing at the horizon. Perhaps, it’s hit me even as I write this; displacement is what I am craving. I am desperately awaiting an upward thrust that will send me to the edge where the things bothering me in the present will become insignificant. The frustration catches my already bruised ego often. I wonder if what I earned when I think I thrived in abundance was enough. Haven’t I reached already where I was then? In some ways- yes; others… no. My benchmark has modified.

It’s the lost good and more of the other side of it that’s ruling my present. I need to earn my present before my efforts to keep the past where it rightfully belongs wears down. I am nurturing all I’m left with from then to recreate myself. The transition has begun alright. In the course of events, I decided to reinvent myself instead of rediscovering… I find this new me better than who I was then. A lot of things those belonged to remote past is finding home in me again. I see winds from childhood and youth playing in my hair. This is definitely new. I had merrily swept my old-self away to create the future that I am craving to call past! If I keep the number of years I have lost to gain what I have now; then, it’s abundance again… only, the idea of it has modified slightly. The pointers to it are regardless, what matters is the me-bit earned in attainment.

On a lighter note, my brands are back in the shelves; a few really big and better ones too. I take pride in posting pictures of what I wore, when to work. Yet, when I draw a comparative graph with people I knew v/s time spent, I feel spaced out. Once what seemed to be a mammoth time is now a mere value in time. My having spent a year in the organization I’m associated with in the present isn’t giving me any reason to smile. Instead, it’s making me ponder upon how easily I had let many one-year-time-spent-with-the-organizations I worked previously sit aside. Why hadn’t I seized those work anniversaries and gloated in the wake of collecting achievements! Perhaps, that would have kept me afloat…

It seems dreamlike to me my previous work affairs and hence, I keep to myself and that isn’t helping. I’m biting my own tail and screaming. Yeah, I know what I need and can’t bear to wait either. Are there any options over the ones sighted?

I call upon my faith in Unknown: the forces of Universe, the Cosmic Law to deliver what’s for me.


About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Deliverance

  1. Pingback: Celebrating Life | Olivia's Life Instances..

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