Today is a beautiful day.
I’m listening to “a state of trans” while typing this. At work, I was all over the place. I sprawled on one chair resting my legs on the other and yet feeling far from being restful. I felt fresh ripples spurting in me on intervals. Upon arriving home, I realised my body was crying to give in. I saved myself from slipping over in the washroom… I suffered another episode of abdominal cramps lasting several hours. I lay unconscious for two hours thereafter.
This is my first one in a long time. I saw the summer was bent on hitting me in the middle; so, I ensured I have something to look forward to. On my way home, I shopped for my venom. After staying sober for over a year, I’m all tipsy. Bad jokes apart, I’m far from it. Not even high! What a shame…!
I’m discovering newer ways to fit in to this life, the one I got now. I realize I’m better off than when I worked with Vodaphone. That was the first and my last time I had tasted life. That feeling of abundance that seeped in in the beginning of this year that I worried over to lose while shifting is growing in on me. I wonder, what stopped me from becoming me all this while.
I am on my round to finding answers. Hopefully, I resolve that final bit of the maze too. I need to identify the pattern to stop the repercussions in time. I have given in to silence again. I am reading Autobiography of a Yogi once more. I’m emoting bitterly at one time, getting depressed at another. I’m interacting alright but not sharing myself or my mind with anyone at all. The bit that I did share apparently was when I was depressed. I forfeited the moment I realized. I’m thinking, joining the dots looking for the tell-tale signs I ignored and matching the displacement with the amount of bitterness I earned while taking that calculated risk.
I’m the same hard hearted person I am. I haven’t been able to forgive myself about few things yet. I’m introspecting my actions and thoughts before enacting in present time. This way, I will save time in future. This is where I found I need to embrace what I have valuing its occurrence. It’ll be sometime before I grow grateful to life for bringing me here. I see things I was failing to before when they were right here all this time. Letme honor all I have; be it the rightful and willful earning or the sheer snatching a big chunk as a takeaway or even the stains of wine that spilled before I tasted.
I do have a few leftovers of yesteryear’s heartaches to deal with. Guess that too will work out soon if I keep this pace. It’s all in metaphors for I’ll need to translate this feel good feeling into actual happening in time. I have feelings in me breathing forcing me to rediscover myself. How many years have I suppressed being myself? I’ll look for appropriate words to share soon. That’s the least I can. So what if I am far from being who I wish to be; I’ll live this part too in words again. They reciprocate with the same intensity of affection I harbor toward celebrating life.
Once again, my words will create life I aspire to live.