These were snapped-shot in January of this year; resting in my laptop since. Given the time-period I had withheld expressing my feelings for him, six months seem puny. It was during winter of this year. It was freezing, foggy and one of the most ideal days for me to have gone out. I had dressed modestly in jeans so I could hitch a ride on his bike.
It’s hurting beyond bearing to look for words to share about the day that could have changed my life to come.
It was BCP day at work on Sunday, 25th at a different site. We were seated an empty workstation apart. Before we knew, we were discussing travel and about capturing photos saving the bits of life for them to go on living in a different dimension across our work stations. He had handed over his cellphone for me to view his travel captures. I spent over an hour’s time zooming in the pictures of serene mountains with snow capping some, and sand spread screen-wide with him smiling over in most. Each one of those frames seemed to be calling me in. I felt that snowy wind ruffling my hair. My nose was freezing while riding up the snaky terrain. The rocks loomed so up close that they would have send me tumbling down the slope if I weren’t careful. I saw myself stretching my arms wide to take in that open space all in me screaming wild at the same instance. I strayed alone capturing the serenity around hearing the rest of the gang giggle aloud. They were busy getting photographed. One of them waved at me so I join them. I smiled back nodding otherwise thanking them all in mind for making me a part of this… I would keep the phone in the bag while attending to calls feeling relieved at getting a break for one look at my face would have given away most of it. My face reflected the very shades of the snap shots.
I was seated near him, watching his pictures, talking to him while thinking of him. How many times could I have a person over at the same time?
We spent the breakfast break together. He had held over his phone back to me, this time to let me read his poetry. I failed to read it aloud even after his insistence. His proximity in that space was enough for my voice to lose sound. There he was, reading aloud the piece he had penned in the elevator unaware of how wondrous and equally anxious I felt to be with him even though we weren’t the only ones in there. Stepping out of the lift, I had turned toward the open terrace. There he was again to show me around. He was close to three years old in the organization by then already. My show of showing him around was ruined; though he made no noise. The fog was condensed all- over. Jumping over to reach the boundary rail, he had exclaimed. Indeed, clouds seemed to be closing in on us!
He was excited in his usual manner and I was thinking…
That flowering bush seemed to be saying something. I watched them sway for some time stressing to hear. They seemed to be urging me to go ahead. I was planning to back out. It seemed they were telling me otherwise. Not knowing how to silence them, I plucked that flower. I made a silly gesture of presenting it to him. He thanked me graciously presenting it back to me. There ought to be a defined limit to how simple and charming a person should be. That blossom now made inaudible yet unignorably loud noises. I took one last look at the bush before we rushed to our workstation; I heard them saying, “you’ll regret!”
It is less about him and more about me. It had been a life-time since I lived and laughed being myself. The days turned to months and decades of time went by while I waited for the day I’ll be liberated. The only times I enjoyed in that phase was either in restriction; so I let most of it fade, or the ones I stole off in my own way, paying a price in-turn often. To be able to spend a carefree day without a mind block seemed a distant dream then. Something in me was cautioning me that that won’t be just another casual outing. That several more implications would get joined in a way that it won’t remain the one singled out in time. I’ll yearn for more… and then more of him too. It lay all in open for me to look at and decide. I was fighting then to step out to earn myself and even though I was close, I needed to have been done with it. I wanted to live the day with him being myself. I wanted to come home after I went out with him. I wanted that I yearn for more of him being myself. The final episode needed enactment before I declared it a phase lived. The curtains had to be drawn. The last thing I wanted was to become miserable feeling torn between the whole wanting more and rightfully controlling my thoughts reminding myself of the things that needed my immediate attendance affair! I was done stealing in bits. I wanted to earn it.
Back at the work- station I clicked a frame. This was my first one ever in work-life till now. He had gladly agreed to capture me too. By now, I had turned down to go out with him. Uncountable times I had mused over going out with him, to be able to watch him laugh about and live by. I had spent over half a year already by then watching him over keeping discreet. A few times I had said that I liked him was dismissed as a light- headed mention. I reached home dragging myself when all I wanted was to go out with him freaking out silly. It was difficult for me to decide that I let the day go by without us going out. I am finding it easier to share today despite feeling hurt of having denied myself a time that would have changed my today… and possibly his too. I wanted my slate to be clear. I needed to rule out the confusions. I couldn’t let myself go out and enjoy for I had to clear my canvas. I felt helpless following the order of that to-do list which thankfully is revised now.
That solitary flower stayed fresh at my home for surprisingly long time, close to two complete months. It showed no signs of wilting, till one day; I saw that bud too blooming! Perhaps, it was trying to make room in my thoughts. I had already captured several pictures to save a memory of the day that could have given my life a fresh direction. There’s no denial of that possibility. At the very least, it would have added to the lifetime memories of the wonderful days I lived. Even though I didn’t find out how beautiful a day could have been with him, it changed my life forever.