Turning away to look beyond

I am sitting from where I still see someone dropping me home one late evening. The moment and several more preceding that became perfect reminders to who I am. Yearlong period of yearning and wishing had met fulfillment in that one evening. He had nudged awake my alter in hiding. It took me time to let go. When I did, I found he was who I wanted one to be. Nonchalantly, I had acted dumb most part of that evening. I was still thinking…

DSCN9273.1Taking to liking someone could be fleeting… or so I thought. It was meant to pass me by; right? Yet, something in me held me back every time we planned to go out. I wasn’t running to catch time or build memories. It was more than just living in the moment. To me, it was a real deal. The me in hiding was strongly wishing for him guarding my actions. I had to ensure that all was how it ought to be.

I had to turn away from what I was looking.

He professed undying companionship seeking comfort in other’s company. I was subjected to deceit day in and out getting cheated on with my close friends. My male- friends meant my “partners”, his association with women was “purely out of compassion”; never mind the unending dates or phone- chats or whatever else that is implied. It was my doing. I trusted someone and why! Promises and commitment were  tacts to “get” me. I was still mourning my wedlock I had walked out of only a few days back. The last thing I wanted ever was a broken marriage. Inevitably, I had become my father. I wanted to sit in silence and look within. I was made to share house with his girlfriend, in the process  earning the title of his boyfriend’s mistress from her. She made me look straight into the facts I had looked over right at the start of that phase making it extremely ugly. I realized I was dealing with a psychopath who intended to keep me to nurture his ego that was squarely bruised by his spouse and his girlfriend. I had submitted to their dictates and the housework till one night she decided to put to end her agony. I ran out almost undressed to save myself from getting stabbed. That was only the curtain raiser of the life to come.

It was far from being said a relationship; that captive. He addressed it as an arrangement. It was worse. While I was promised work and security; I had ended up becoming recluse. The damages I ran away from in my marriage had all loomed over. Soon, I was slogging for a narcissist without being paid for. I was addressed as whatever one deemed fit. His wife went everywhere I did, so did his girlfriend. This claimed my career and social circle since my going back to any place I belonged was crudely savaged. I ceased stepping out of the confines of my home literally. I was called lot of unmentionable dirt in my face. The one to have dragged me into it played his part actively ensuring more came my way. Though I lived alone, my movements were stalked. Cab drivers were queried about my travel. My neighbors queried of his association with me and on it went till one day I stepped out, got bald and got myself some real work. I wasn’t proving to be the damsel in distress he took me for. I was far too strong to remain suppressed and what for? I knew a lot more than getting dolled up. I had breasts alright. He forgot to take note of my brains; a fact that is often missed by the patriarchal society we are a part of. I had exposed the monster in him out there for everyone to see. My hard resolve to take it all till I hit the bottom that shall kill me then taking away my weight that would in turn send me afloat was where I was focussing on. I took all that I could till I could no more. The turn I took was steep. Not even in dreams he had envisaged getting stumped in the way it happened. I owed it to that girl.

How many more heartbreaks could I take at one time singlehandedly? I had friends who thought I was lucky to have run into that man for he came across as an aristocrat. Only I knew what lay beneath the façade. What was I to do if not to go quiet? I wasn’t talking about it to anyone. How I re-invented myself is another story altogether. With all this going on in my then present continuous tense, how could I have walked upto him and said things I would have if this wasn’t happening? Beside, overlapping isn’t my thing.

Many more people gone unmentioned, my ex- managers, friends, neighbors and the likes of my ex who had joined in to violate my identity, I hope they are reading me.

How I wish for more of him now. Having said so, I don’t want time to turn back. I’m happy realising what I wished for since I did wasn’t a momentary influx. The feeling rules most part of my waking hours. I am aware of him and of our last conversation during my sleep too. The replies I get in his one- liners is making my alter in hiding to step forward even though only by a few inches at a time. Someday she will come out to take charge. Until then, the merciless alter who is me will rule. She will ensure I collect nomore attacks on my dignity. My present day apprehension isn’t without a reason. Even with all of that, I am feeling ready to give people their due share of chance. I’ll let new people come in and I’ll go out to them and weave a fresh fabric of life.

Giving away the identity here shall be simpler and I feel he may not mind too, but; there’s always a certain way about things… the right way. I did it the way I thought it ought to have been. It deserved a correct presentation and not an eruption of incoherent words not lasting a few dates and possibly reaching nowhere.

It isn’t as fleeting after all.

About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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