I was born as Olivia 32 years back to my Proud parents..
Only that my Father was not a Parent any more when he abandoned our Family. I was all of 12. My mother was still proud when she passed away 17 years later. This was after a few months of the same year I graduated high school in 1995.
Mom was a well educated, much ahead of her times woman. It was cruel that she died a helpless death. I don’t wish to meet the same fate.
People around me are usually unable to tolerate my level of criticism or cynicism; if you will. This includes my relatives, neighbors & my office sssociates.
A time when children play gallery or stapuu, I was busy evaluating what to do of my future- given the fact that my mom was an incapacitated handicap and that I was a fatherless girl.
My being brilliant in academics didn’t help me. Neither did my talent in singing vocals take me to places, nor did my ability to express my thoughts within my drawings reach out to anyone. I have now what I feel ended up in a piece of abstract art- an utter confusion of collision of mishaps… colorless & medium- less.
Don’t yet hasten up your judgements
That’s what puts me off and is the primary Reason of I becoming the next step of being a Recluse.
Solitude being my only friend, my anger, hurt & damages are all being channelized in a direction- which I soon hope to put across the pages here.
Don’t they say you give what you have? I have nothing but myself & my self respect- if you don’t mind please.
My Nursery class Prize Winning day is as livid as if it was only yesterday that I had won in academics & painting/drawing. I had performed on stage on Annual Day and had quickly changed to school uniform to collect my awards. This was as if a mini- celebrity living her life in her own sphere of Royalty. This continued till I was 13, when after my Dad’s walkout, I was admitted in a not so happening Govt Aided School- which was one of my (many) worst phases. I would call myself an Alien- at least, I was treated like one with teachers preferring only the older or original students. The teaching method, their mediocre thoughts & belongingness to some era which was not at all in sync with the current trend- made me so upset. I didn’t realize that this was the beginning of becoming a closed domain reject from of a witty, humorous & happy-go-lucky girl.
All the domestic issues back home suddenly were no longer the only issue. I was beginning to close myself like a black hole; only I wasn’t absorbing anything good from around. With the passage of time, I was becoming darker, quieter & completely silent.
I am as silent as the desert after the storm, or as peaceful as the sea after the floods..
Or should I say that I am now a Lull before the Storm..?
The Warnings (Or the lack of it) of the mishaps
- I was fond of (am still in a way) my Manu Masi a lot. After coming to Delhi from Calcutta back then all by herself, she worked in CGO Complex till her retirement- a couple of years ago. She dressed up with loads of attitude, grace & poise. She wore heals (a complete taboo in society back then), her saree would be below her navel & a flawless fair skin would all seem nothing less than glamour to me. She would hold her hand bag every morning to work draped in a beautiful silk & that made the 1st mark of an independent woman on me. I used to look forward to her coming at my place or visiting them so desperately. I may have been in 3rd standard; it was during one of her such visits at our place when she took me to halfway down to the stairs, leaving my mom on the doorstep of our 1st floor house that she told me this- “Meena, you know your mom is crippled, you really can’t place your trust on your Dad, God knows when he would just make an abrupt exit- you need to be very strong & focused. Study well & make yourself completely independent. Do whatever, but never come to my doorstep, i shall turn you out.” Her words did not surprise me, only shocked me that she too spoke the same language as that of her sister’s (my mother).. there ought to be some truth.
- I was pretty fond of my cousin maternal uncle- Ashok Samanta as a child. He too was a part of our Family; all 4 of us lived together only I never saw both the men mingling with each other ever. I considered my Uncle as a Friend & spent most of my time (which now I think was) bugging him. We used to tune in to Voice of America & sing to BoneyM. Only one day he prophesied that I am about to undergo lots of struggle & that my Life wont be very easy. My moms reaction made me understand that these weren’t very kind words.
- Both of them kept forgetting my Birthdays conveniently. I was deciding on to give up on them; realizing little that I would have to do so soon enough.
- My Father had never been a dedicated husband much less a father what with beating my mom up & insulting her about everything.
- My mother was practically a handicap since my dad refused to sign on papers which would have let my mother remove her damaged uterus. It was damaged by the Doctors while performing an operation due to lack of Instruments & Appratus!!! She was unconscious, lying with her abdomen torn open under the effect of Anesthesia completely unaware of what a Medical Mess she was to become.
No sooner I stepped into teens, the above Incidents or the foretold Warnings started a Whirlpool of Events that I have been able to stop till now.
- My Father walked out on us; leaving no Trail or Track.
- I was forced to change my School; the only comforting fact now is that it gave me the Best & Only set of Friends.
- My mom passed away out of sheer neglect, helplessness, humiliation & torture. It has left me so weak that I could not mourn her Death till now for that would be too little a Tribute for a woman who sacrificed her Life in hands of our Society’s brutality towards woman.
- My Uncle floated Options to either Marry him (!!) or track my Father & go back to him.
- I did go to NTC & tried to get his whereabouts, his Friend & also a close Family Friend Denied; he made me speak on the phone though. Clearly, my dad was indifferent. I had become an Orphan & an Illegal child overnight.
- After my refusal my Uncle married & the Lady tricked me out of the (I thought My) House.
- All my efforts, my struggle and my taking those in my stride are still on.
- The series of compromises that I had made to lead my Life respectfully, has still not ended.
Writing what all happened thereafter in detail, would make me re- live the Past Events yet again; I would soon some day. I need to muster up enough Courage to become completely undeterred & yet flexible to survive the Pain again.
My Biograhy is under construction- please follow- My Life Instances
- Filed under- My Life Instances. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference
You a very brave girl my friend 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Thank you friend xx
I can see that you went through lot of hardship and trauma in life. But you seem to be a real “survivor”. Beneath the cloak of the past, you harbor hope and optimism…you sure are a winner! From whatever I have read, you’ve definately made one person very proud…the one person who mattered most to you…
BTW, I am your age, was in LIS too and was very good friends with one of the people you’ve mentioned in your blog. But you don’t know me, I left when I was 8 yrs old.
Wow…I can see that you went through a lot of hardship and trauma. But what I really like about your blogs and in a way about you is that you “survived” thorough all that. There is hope and optimism under the cloak of the past. You are a “winner” for sure. 🙂
BTW, I was in LIS too and very good friends with one of the girls (amongst all the names of friends you have mentioned here). But you wouldn’t know me, I left when I was 8 years old. That obviously doesn’t stop me from a appreciating you.
Girl, even before I thank you for your kind words here, letme tell you you have earned yourself a friend already. Never could I have guessed that LIS would branch itself to reach me out to people!!
Many thanks n loads of gratitude that you took time to read this and even post a comment for me to know that you stopped by! Do add me in FB if you so wish to, I am friends with most of them 🙂
Try some principles of “Secret” book and manifest good life. In US there are many celebrities like Oprah who have gone through painful journey and let go. Focus on what you want to life..love, relations, respect….and how you can get it.
Sorry to have taken this long to reply. Thank you Thank you for taking time out to read and post comment too. I haven’t read the book in words but people associated closely sat I work on the principle of that book… I take it as a compliment keeping myself positive.
As I wrote here, a lot has happened and changed… from where I am, it looks for better.
I’ll try and grab the book for real this time.
I completely accept you as you are and I am grateful to have met you and be able to be part of your life even only online! Keep your head up girl and know, people appreciate your talent and big, loving heart!
I knew this could be no one else than my Blaga Bubble 🙂
Thank you girl.. well online? I guess you are a huge part of my life because it’s the cyber world that is making me write after all these years!
I want to know more. What happened next?
Write it down someday.
Your story is inspiring.
Thanks Mihir for the encouragement! It’s all typewritten here. You may visit the section- My Life Instances at the side bar just after this post “As I am”
Thank you again!
It had been a while since I had come by and so read your “As I Am” today. Some of this I knew from other writings but some was new to me.
May blessings shower down on you in endless abundance and may your life be eased by all those who love you so dearly.
You are an example of a strong woman and human being who deserves a soft place in the world where she can feel safe and loved deeply. May this be so.
Much love for you Olivia, my friend,
Gayle, You have touched the very chord (or is it cord..?) of my heart!
Thank you so much for your wishes Dear One.. I could feel all your love coming my way through your words.
I am greedy of blessings- so lapping it all up! This happens to be the 1st post also. I feel pretty bonded to this one as I am to the incidents (you can’t segregate your past from your present- can you). Thank you for all your Love Rose.. 😀
Sending as much Love to you too My Dear Soul Sister xoxoxoxox
Yes, it’s very hard to separate the past from the present. (It’s chord). 🙂
Feeling your love too, Olivia…
Lots of love,
Soul Sister Gayle xoxo
Thank you for finding my blog through the wonderful Pat.
Now I have found yours.
I will read more, but I have read enough to see how special you are.
Love and blessings.
Thank you Sara!!
Blessings is I am always greedy for.. 🙂
I am still unable to take that music out of my mind.. it’s well set already!! An amazing job that you have done.. 🙂
Thank you for stopping by.. Many hugs xxx
It’s good to see you are using repressed tears to plant a greener garden instead of letting your early traumas wash you out to sea!
Thank you Mikey!
Your words are comforting indeed! Some metaphor- huh? But I am honored. Thank you again..
I’m not too sure how to begin, so I’ll just write the only way I know how.
I am overwhelmed with emotion at this huge burden that you have been carrying around from such a young age. I’ve not had a chance to read your entire blog, but what I have read so far saddens me deeply.
First of all, I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry you have had to go through what you have and that you are still suffering today. Bad things exist all over the world, it’s just a shame that attention is sometimes given to one particular area more than another.
I am so overcome right now that I cannot write. What I will say is that you are very brave for starting your story and even more brave for sharing it with the world.
I hope that by writing, it will help to ease some of your pain. I understand that what has happened can NEVER be forgotten and it has in a way shaped you into who you are today.
As a man, I have the highest respect for women, regardless of who they are or where they come from. After all, I came from woman and I am married to a woman who is the love of my life and who I would NEVER mistreat or disrespect in any way as long as I am alive. My father died when I was in my very early teens and it was my mother who gave me the principles and the foundation to build my life as it is today.
You have already proven that you are very strong and resilient.
I hope you writing your events will eventually give you the peace that you so rightly deserve.
My very best wishes to you and thank you again for sharing your story.
You are very kind indeed! Not many people “dare” to comment upon this one. They prefer to crawl away!
Thank you for all the support you have expressed here Andy. I am overwhelmed myself and hence the delayed reply. This is how the Urban Society is. Why blame the rural people then? Maybe we never let go of our “roots”. Major portion of my story is here. I am in a phase right now. The moment that’s over, I’ll write the missing last few years then!
With circumstances come experience and that’s what I am making use of. I am trying to balance my self every single second of my day. One “impulsive” (yet justified) step can put me back to square one. In a way I am there already but still patched up with a facade. So now, I am “utilizing” that facade to make amends.
Thank you again – it encourages n inspires me no end to read your view. Hugs xx
My dear Olivia, (please forgive me if I am being too informal),
Thank you for replying. When I wrote yesterday, I was very saddened by your story. I actually spent a few more hours trying to read each post as you had written it. I had to stop halfway through, because it was just too heartbreaking.
Being of Indian descent myself, I am well aware of the stigma attached to just being a woman, let alone a woman who has endured as much as you have in your short years on this earth.
I am so proud of you for not giving up on life and not giving up on yourself. Life is one big winding road. How we travel along it is up to us. Sometimes we will encounter stumbling blocks in our way, we will falter, we may even fall off it altogether, but we all have the inner strength to pick ourselves up and start up that long winding road again, if we so choose.
Never give up, Olivia. All is not lost. You have proven that you have the inner strength and character way beyond your years. Yes, you will feel sad and lonely at times, you are human after all and that is to be expected based upon the enormity of events, but I am glad that you can find a measure of comfort from those of us who read your story and offer you words of encouragement through our words.
Never stop writing about how you feel. Write, write, write! It is better to get it out of your system than to have it bottled up and consuming you.
You have so much life left to live. By writing about your horrible experiences, you are restarting your life with these tiny steps that you are taking. You go at your own speed.
Thank you again, Olivia for allowing me and the rest of us to share in your world. I realize it cannot be easy for you.
YOU ARE MOST COURAGEOUS AND WORTHY.
I intend to return here again.
In the meantime, I sincerely wish only good things and happy times for you.
One thing I know now, is that we do indeed have something in common.. the childhood.. when the rest of our age are enjoying and laughing in bliss, we, on the other hands have our mind filled with the struggle to learn and know what’s hate, anger, misery, pain, affliction, etc.. and then finally, indifferent..
We each have our story.. and unlike you, my dear, I am still unable to share with the using of ‘I’ in my writing.. Too painful, that is, which explains, I am penning it through my Tingtasy Story, ‘Heart02041982’… In the process of healing with words..
*HUG*, my dear and thanks for providing the link.. I am thankful that I have come to know you better..
Yes, we do have things in common! We are both winners.. we have come across as grand winners becoming Indifferent.
Rightly you said, we have now become Indifferent after ranging ourselves into emotions that others earn throughout their entire life instead of understanding those while learning alphabets!! Doesn’t matter how you are sharing. To be able to talk about it is big in itself!! Do share as much as you can- it will make you a free bird. I have shared the maximum portion here in this blog. Will start to again in some time.
I am glad that I have come to know you Ting! It feels good when the other one knows what I am talking about.. 🙂
Hugs right back at ya My Dear xoxox
wow…I don’t know what to say. Writing is the best medicine. Your past looks so terrible that it could haunt you for the rest of your life every waking moment (at least most times).
You know whats to most powerful thing in this universe – indifference! not anger not revenge not sorrow not pity. Just be indifferent to all who want to bring you down.
Remember this every-time you think about them – bad ways, with anger or with resentment, you are wasting time on junk. They are not worth your creative writing time. My mother still talks about the injustices 20 years ago….I urge to ignore and become indifferent. Because if you think about them you are letting them win.
Write about life. Write about beauty. Write about dreams. Travel, see the world, write about the world for the world. Are you still in Delhi? Did you visit Ladakh – please do, its a life changing experience.
Ping me when you need my support. Oh and thanks for your support at my blog.
Thankyou for posting your comment on this one. This post is dear to me for more than 1 reason.
I am in the process of compiling My Biography so am writing about everything that I can.. Humor and sarcasm included.. LOLss
You are right about Indifference- that’s exactly what I have been including in My Poetry Blog or even in my I, Me, Myself section. Hatred is also a feeling that makes you vulnerable.. It’s Indifference that sails you through..
What you have read here is only the tip of the ice- berg. Much stances have happened since- I am writing all of those one by one!! Ever wish to know about them, please feel free to move around- My Life Instances
God- willing, I’ll definitely travel someday. Now, is not possible. I have many scores to settle, many unfinished chores to conclude. I am so Indifferent that people call me rude and heartless; not that I care!! How else do you think I am writing all about those here..??
Hope you would move around here a little more and discover the Real Me.. 🙂
Your reading me is all the support I would need for now.. 😀 xox
I was feeling really feeling bad that you’ve faced so much in such a small time span.But,every women should feel proud and should admire you.
My Dear sweetheart Ruchi,
I so appreciate your words.. I am so blessed that I have you around. Not many have acknowledged my way of life yet..
I am so proud to be a friend to you.. Loads of Love..
Deep words my friend…your ability to write about this, just proves how strong you are!! Thanks for sharing Olivia xxx
Sweetheart, you coming over to comment on this one has just earned a very special feeling.. This happens to be the 1st post and incidentally the preface of my Biography… Thanks a big bunch… 😀 xoxox
hey Olivia…hello again… wonderful post….outstanding…..I’m back again in Blogging… I’m just feeling coming home and see again those known faces of you guys… Hope to see you in my blog….
Nice to see you back.. welcome back..
Yup- rushing to your Blog right away..
Wow! There is a lot here. I definitely will be back to read more. The little I’ve read it seems you have had an intense life but hold the gift to tell it. 🙂
I take that as a compliment. I did go down and under for my Life till now. My Blog is taking me out creating energy for me. See, how you put across such beautiful words to inspire me..
I thank you so much for your choice of words. It reflects upon how deeply you are moved..
I want to take this opportunity and thank you for the elegance award…I feel that you are deserving of such a wonderful accolade as well.
Thanks for warmly accepting me into this creative and loving community!
Thankyou Annie- I have gladly “taken” it.. 😀 Lovies xx
It appears that there are some deep wounds and scars that will never go away. You are not alone with broken hearted memories of the past and your anger is justified. I can see you as a brave heart with a strong will to take your stand in a country where women are considered as slaves by tradition, religion or whatever alters your past. I need to be careful here and how I word this or you may think I am pointing at your country only. I do not want your wrath upon me for saying that because this happens in many countries! I hope you do not mind me being here being male, married and having a three year old daughter that I love very much. My daughter is everything to me and I would rather be rejected for loving her than abandoning her as a child. You need not censor your expressions for me. It will take me a while longer than most to understand some of the words you use. I need to look some up. Many of your words are only spoken in a highly educated environment. I am sure that in public you would use words that everyone understands.
Take Care, John
Thanks for stopping by to put a detailed one. Most of my avid readers are Male. Infact, barring a couple of them- they know I am referring to them; women don’t bother much with such unpleasant depictions.
About my wrath and expressions; yes, I have preserved my hurt, which is making me write in the manner that I do. A few of my friends follow the blog like a “sensational story” and do ask me the “next” when I take an off (from writing) for more than 2 days.. So, I am used to and have understood that curiosity and queries can be in any form. I need not misunderstand them. It’s thoughtful of you to have said that.
You being a father of a little sweet thing, I wish you all the best. Girls are miracles. Who could ever tell that a girl like me could turn into this?? Not my relatives at the least.. Since I smiled a lot- they took me more as a maverick.
Don’t have to be so cautious, feel free to write whenever you wish to.
Hey u r looking googlie pie ,very cute picture.The next time I visit I would like to have one copy of it.
Missing you and our old times together.I wish I could be there for you.
Love you ,keep up the good work.
Ruby, I’ll treasure that under the best compliment ever..
You know that I call your elder daughter Googlie Pie.. Love you Loads..
Thank you for the support.. I have missed you since you have left. Didn’t share how lonely I feel since didn’t want you to see how weak I am in reality.. I had only felt that I was on my own- after you left India..
why did he leave? did you find the exact reasons ? how could things change so abruptly..
Things were brewing since long.. A few pointers are mentioned in this post itself.
I am in the process of compiling the whole episode, one could check the rest of that following the serial links in INDEX- I..
How are you doing? Do you remember me? I have read few of your blogs.Lots of women suffer like that but how can you make a difference in your life? I pray that God gives you strength. Believe in yourself. I suggest you to focus on what you want in life, not what you don’t want. Visualize love, freedom, money and you will have it.
I know one Pallavi Gupta from my school and remember her very well…
Check my post on revisiting LIS friends- on the same blog..
You are right; its a common scenario. Only I am releasing myself of all those memories by writing them back. I had been misunderstood often because of my Silence and Aloofness; listing out all the reasons now..
I definitely want freedom, money and love.. but not necessarily in men; or may be in them..
Thanks for your wishes.. I cherish those warm feelings
BTW which Pallavi are you?
I think you don’t knw me , I used to work with Baxy ..
After reading you blog feeling touched and really liked it.
Best of Luck for your future.
Thanks Mithun; both for the appreciation and your wishes..
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Well what should i say,TOUCHED,i am so sad to know that all ,people(specially girl) has to see all in their early life like kid who is studying in 3rd was being told by masi(mom’s sis)to be brave.Told by mother her story of how she tortured.I was so touched that i can imagine what it takes you to feel all and write all here.I even wondered about dad’s social behavior and uncle too (later stage)..I can imagine what you must have felt about the society full of man.Who proud to say themselves as man and actually are stupid dumb rascals who considers themselves as hero in their lives.I felt really sad about knowing all these atrocities of man and the phase you and your mom had gone through.
Well i guess the bad time is passed and hope things are good for you now as you have seen worst of the worst in the life which made you strong and i do believe that now you might have strong lady who have power to take some strong and adamant decisions in life and who work towards the upliftment of ladies in life so that others also don’t suffer.I do also believe in this and will try to help in any way if i can .Keep posting.!!!
I appreciate what you have said here.. actually comments like yours are secretly inspiring me to post the latter pages. I have been delaying it for the want of courage..
Ill keep posting- keep reading..!!
Nice picture of you and Auntie,I was trying to recall if I had seen this,I couldnt remember.Needless to say I am proud of you ,not because you went through so much but now reading all in your blog,I know it must have taken lot of courage to pen it down as its like revisiting your past .Its an inspiration to all those young girls who suffer in silence .
It dawned upon me that it has been nearly 15 years for us to know each other.I am extremely happy to see that finally you are doing what you like most …writing.
Keep blogging ..
I have 2 small albums with 15 pics in each.. Never had shared them with anyone.. Yes it took me dozes of Alprax & self medication to soothe my anxiety..
Its wonderful to have known you for all this while. I hope you know how special is your commenting to me is!! I am overwhelmed.
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we were in the same school and we were friends till i dont what happened….but whatever said and done I am with you…
Never knew you went through so much…..my respect and admiration for you have gone higher..
Yes we were & still are.. I recall you getting me chocolates for me.. Thankyou for the comforting words.. wait & watch out for this page.. Im going to post the next 17 years till now..
I came to know about this blog through Sanjukta. If you remember we were in the same school and also worked in the same company for sometime.
I read your blog and liked the way you have expressed your feelings. Now that you have decided to seek justice I wish you all the best and support. The legal journey will be long and may seem never ending, patience is the key and have faith.
Love and best wishes
I remember u well only was in Slumber & worrying if you would remember me..
Thankyou for all ur words.. As I said, its my friends who hv bn my Moral Support..
Where ru placed??
Rnt u going by the name Orkuteshwari Devi or something??
Lets meetup someday.. I wd be really happy to catch up with you all.. because of my circumstances, I wasnt able to do it before this.. I had closed myself & now ready to blast..
What do u do now??
I can just say you are one strong women. may God be kind to you.
Thankyou for your feelings- appreciate, follow my link, soon enough I wd post the rest of my Journey from 17 till now..
Dear Dr. Khurana,
I went through your video at a site. I wasn’t sure if that was your Site so came back to your comment link. Here I am to let you know that I do support your Cause and understand the pain you underwent. I too have been tortured by my in-laws; a read that is yet to be posted here. I have braved it and walked out of my wedlock.
I have a few more issues that I need to address before taking them to task- which I surely would. Not out of vengeance but to set up an example and let everyone realize that at times ones own home becomes worse than a Slaughter House.
Meanwhile, I wish you luck and loads of courage.
Hi Sweetie…..have known u for quite some time now and always felt that there is more to you than what we see….but must say you are one strong woman and i am really proud of u………………….
Know what its you friends who have kept me going– I mean it..
Whatever I am, it is all of you beside me..
Gosh, “Proud” is a big word, I feel so humble & big.. I wish to make it wonderfully big very soon & would want to look at all of you to help me smile with Joy..
I have been trying to go thru your blog since a very long time….Finally I read a part of it today….I swear girl…I’m in tears now…I’m sure your mother’s soul must at peace as her daughter (you) has paid her tribute by her “STRONG WRITING”.
You are really a strong woman!!!!
After seeing all this at such a small age, I’m sure “A Beautiful Life” is waiting for you out there….You will see it very SOOOON!!!
I am so touched that you came by and of all commented on this one.. it’s too close to me and my writing too..
Thank you so much for all your kind words here. I have a lot of writing to do before I achieve what mom had always been wanting me to..
Infact, after going through all that atrocities, I have become stoic.. very Indifferent now.. Definitely, I am wanting to “live” that “Beautiful Life” for sure.. I have waited for it for pretty long! I have included everything here under “My Life Instances”. A major chunk of ugly mess is yet to come..
Loads of Love and wishes for you too girlie.. Bless you.. xxx