Being thrown at; around

I have failed to understand, how can people cut off on me? Am I such a retard that I don’t understand that they possibly don’t want me anywhere around them or is it that I have a great knack of picking up from the wrong bunch of people?

I’m not even asking them to return my emotions but why do they cling on to me if they don’t wish to share themselves with me? Do they find it convenient to keep attached given how I am; or do they find it difficult to break away? How can they lay brackets on me accusing me that I may or not react in certain manner and hence the closure? How would they know if they don’t try me?

Why can’t I stop extending myself to people and ask for a commitment first? I have experienced marriages getting divorced; what to talk of just two people? Do these people ever come to know how they hurt people in their whimsical manner of acting towards me?

I have questions, answers to which will never be of any use to me ever. All I know is: believing my instincts that they might be in need of someone, I have reached out to them only to learn that I am not that someone they want. What is worse is I never get to speak up when I am in dire need of help emotionally. Quite mechanically, they have shut me off like I maybe some piece of show only to be dolled up and table topped. I wish I had the strength to cut them off from my life and shut my emotions locked up somewhere!

I don’t want anyone knocking at me anymore- I won’t answer.

I am hurt and crying.

I wish I really get judgmental and throw them away- out of my life where it won’t matter anymore- atleast to me. I’ll definitely try to toe the line they have drawn around me. They have set up the level of expectations; sooner than later, I’ll come up the learning curve…

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Death of a relationship

Firstly, I can’t take rejections, secondly, it stabs my heart to let go of people and then, if I am left to stay dumb… that’s a perfect recipe to whip me into a cryptic psychopath!

If I say that this is what I am going through right now; you must conclude that I have toppled over the barricade of my mental sanity already. I want to close myself inside a shell so deep that anyone standing right outside would play a deaf to my wails. I want the that to be so spirally bent that it echoes my screams back at me giving mine a company.

Even cancerous cells when operated upon to be knifed out of one’s body induce pain! Just why am I then being expected to take it all in my stride or deal with it without crying over it? For crying out loud, it’s a part of my life however rotten that may have been that I’m now taking out. If not anymore; once that was- as much as the newer things now. To me, it is like losing a relationship- and why the hell ‘like’, I am losing a relationship here. My father has been anything but that; but would that ever erase the affliction that I grew up without him? Or that I lost my mother too because of him when I was entitled to be cocooned inside the parental warmth? That my ex was worth nothing – is that a consolation to the fact that now I would be labeled as a divorcee? I would have embraced that too with pride if only I could ever live my status of being wedded in actuals.

Self- pity?

I am appalled! Why is it pinching anyone if I am according as much importance to a relationship- however dead n gone now? The hurt isn’t about losing him but losing a relationship. My mother to death, father to abandonment, uncle threw me away of his home, ditto with my ex and now this. I don’t have siblings, so now if I want to mourn upon losing even if a fatal relationship because that’s all I had; what is anybody’s business? I am talking about human relationships and not an expensive cellphone or a favorite pair of shoes damaged; but that’s more important I guess. Given the fact that I had no one by the age of seventeen; wouldn’t I have poured all my affection over this relationship?

Why is it being so difficult for people to understand that when we mourn upon a person’s death; it’s crying over a multi-folded loss- of that of a human, a defined relationship, that special extra- bonding, years of knowing each other, associated memories, time of your life, number of years… then what is so different here?

I am growing tired of keeping that ever smiling face up when all I’m doing is hiding my tears away. I know it’s not right to crash my tears upon anyone; so here, I’m going quiet again. I would want to be left alone and I can’t foresee for how long I want that to be. That is precisely why I don’t share my things with people. Stay over only if you would let me cry my heart out, because that’s all I’m doing for now. One I’m already wrecked, then I live the pain all over by narrating that to someone and every time I meet him/her, I know he/she knows my story- so no matter what, the past keeps gripping at me even when I’m introduced to newer people. Please don’t forget, there are no guarantees that the person I shared my things with did not misjudge.

[EDIT- I have still few of them chatting on my FB window asking me to patch up! This is after I’ve shared all the dirt with them. My mistake that I shared with casual bunch of people who I met only the very day. She was so interested and inquisitive about him- all the signs were there. How many times would I give people some chance? So much for sharing bit!!]

What losses I have suffered would give out as much dirt that my whole blog might stink.

My youth, prime years, my twenties, my ambitions, my dreams, my aspirations, my longing for a happily ever after- that fairy tale I wove was a huge one. It is still falling apart- brick by brick scratching a part of my state of being too- creating a wound that I doubt would ever heal. I dare anyone who would ever want to step up to revive this label for me. How much hard- work he would have to do to make me smile. It’s easy to draw on a clean canvas; mine is smeared with dirt. However squeaky you may go, it won’t go white again, and some mark would keep showing or else the paper would get damaged. The only way to cover those ugly tell-tale stains would be to paint bright, stroke by stroke smearing color all over so no mark shows ever…

For now, I’m covered with blisters, bruises and bleeding wounds. I failed to build or maintain or save the last of the relationships of my life till now. It isn’t about him; it’s about me. I am affected and huge. It was my relationship too. Just because he was “a misfit” or whatever the term maybe, isn’t any saving grace to the fact that I am losing the last of my relationships!

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It ends here

It’s been a year that I’ve been contemplating committing it.

Just who knows I might have taken some step towards achieving the desired outcome already? I am not a coward, that’s all they say; I won’t. But before I fall myself in that category, I’ll make sure to have taken care of every possible mess that has pulled me nose deep into their dirt. I’ll resolve and set the things in order before I make an exit.

If all that’s bothering me to take a step as such, is taken care of, then why?

One and simple reason, I’m saturated till the tip of my last hair, even the ones I epilate. I’ve grown tired of suppressing my emotions. If I do emote, it goes misunderstood. It isn’t self-pity I invest in; but everyone has right to react or express the hurt or displeasure over; i.e., excepting me!

I wish to live a life and with someone…

But that would be like giving him to come to terms with too many conditions. One gamble I don’t wish to play, my losing that would kill me either way. I haven’t become insane yet, but my words definitely reflect differently here; and I for once, don’t care… not anymore.

The good news is that any day I do attempt to; I would be successful the very first time itself.

Given the situation that I stay on my own and with absolutely not a single soul watching over me; this won’t be any hard work. All I need to do is send my domestic on a leave or perhaps ask her to leave her job at my place. Furthermore, there isn’t anyone who would miss my presence or notice my disappearance; let alone come looking for me. Infact, if there were any, why would I be contemplating doing this at the first place? Feel free to call me a chicken feet, loser and every other demeaning word you could think of; yet, the fact remains I don’t want to take up to fight and win anymore battles. I’m done for this life to say the least.

I do have books I wish to get published; but once I’m no more, the failure to have gotten them printed would also not bother.

With these small pearls of sedatives popped in, I feel more alive. I now empathize with the people who resort to drugs after extended period of abuse in their lives. How stoned it leaves you makes you live a little more… by taking you away from the panic inducing thoughts. These are different than drugs; not that I’ve tried ever- as much as I want to.

You have absolutely no idea what it takes!

Pardon the over-tone of arrogance but you would not know what my state of being is if you have even a single relationship to fall back upon; quite sincerely, I don’t wish anyone to know the feeling either. However lame or dead, a relationship or tag or a person… at least you have someone beside you. Here, I’m all set to break the last of the ties- not that any of it was even left.

I lose it in the end.

People I have ever loved (nevermind the labels), have always left me to myself. Be it parents, acquired relationship, friends… death, abandonment, difference of temperament, career disagreement, geographical relocation- these are all but some redundant excuses. What matters is the conclusion. The matter of fact is that I’m left alone ever since mom had died when I was 17. A fierce determination to sail through had kept me going then, else all would have ridiculed my mother- come to think of it, if she wasn’t that neglected by the same bunch of people; she would have still been alive.

I am not toying with anyone’s emotions.

I am not breaking anyone’s dream, not breaking hearts, not leaving anyone alone- what I mean is, I have taken care of all the metaphorical emotional statement of obstructions.

But if there were any to whom it may have bothered; why would I have decided to- to begin with?

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Love lost…

… and a piece of my heart too!

Don’t ask if we ever loved one another… how does it matter now? It’s the result that matters, efforts don’t count. they only reflect in your concluded concoction.

It’s 3.30 past midnight and I’m barely able to wink. I haven’t been drinking my goblet to ecstasy- been over a week now. Yet, I drag myself around the house like a zombie in its death sleep. The street lights caste an orange glow in the living room. It’s too warm, so I am sitting on the floor to cool off my nerves. I have showered thrice in the past four hours. My smock is wet with the water I have splashed to feel better… so are my eyes. Sleep has gone for a date and a late night drive with its girl- after a movie, a cozy dinner and a coffee with a heavy desert thrown in perhaps. I am both washed away and drenched at the same time. It’s taking every last pore on my body to ounce up energy to keep myself composed. I am dealing with something that I could not years back even though I was very much stable financially, emotionally and even socially maybe then.

It is giving me a huge discomfort to stand witness to how amicably we are working towards filing a petition for legal separation. If only we worked this way towards maintaining that now no more of a wedlock. Since the repercussions are for both of us to take; it doesn’t really matter who was at fault. Degree might vary and it does. The loss I have suffered cannot be quantified; especially, when I say I am dissolving the one and only relationship left to me… although if only acquired. This is after I have wanted to be a wedded wife opposing to my mother’s constant nag of I remaining single!

I am yet to figure out what is tougher- to be on your own; or to fight (since “face” is a mild word) a separation, being on your own. This isn’t the first time I would undergo the process of feeling humiliated. The last time I had withdrawn the application the day I was to obtain the degree after crying wild for over two hours at the court- in full view of the entire public. I had failed to summon enough courage to fight the feeling of being left completely alone, even though the relationship had died four years back, within the first few weeks of our wedding, if not days.

A few years back from then, I had quite literally begged at someone’s feet to stay around helping me to stand back on my own two feet. I was stable financially; all I needed was a support and a little help with few odd things so I could break away from an abusive marriage. He was no other than my childhood classmate who had confessed never- ending love to me in teens. For some reasons I had labeled him as a spineless, walking out on him leaving no contact for him to trace back to me. I wouldn’t venture any further into what had happened next since that would kill the essence of this post; but rudely enough I learnt, I was right at judging him. Shamelessly if I may; he had agreed to how well I had read him back then. This was when I had pleaded to him for help in 2005.

The art of acting indifferent and being cold is something that all the men have taught me in all these years. From dad to uncle, to ex to everyone else; it is them who have shut off on me. Only with the passage of time, they get the same gesture extended to them in multitudes. Come to think of it, the only relationships I have lived are with the first level people (parents, spouse) and in complete estrangement. Neither my dad cares where I am today; nor did my ex ever… what to talk of anyone else or any other men!

It isn’t easy to sum it up all without scarring my state of being. A week since the talks are on, I have been breaking down into pieces every night. I try to keep busy in day crowded by my domestic; but at night, the stillness enters my body and then scatters a zillion pieces of me with no one at all to gather those fragments back for me. How much of me I am losing every day since past 10 days now is unaccountable. I am becoming stoned and unforgiving; to being the same recluse, who had denied talking to anyone, let alone about her. If you aren’t with me when I need someone the most; why would I bother at a later date anyway? Most people think I’m a private person. If I were, I won’t have been writing it out here. The point is, I try to save the hurt by masking myself under a façade of being a snob!

That is just not all. I’m desperately trying to break away from a pattern. So far till now, I have lived the destiny that was carved out based upon my mother’s life. All instances bad that had inflicted her life have marked my life too. No scientific explanation can be supplicated to the fact that it typically seems that I am born destined to fulfill her set of Karmas! Her dreams, ideals, habits and every bit of her peeves have come to define who I am. It no longer was… it is now, in me. Once I obtain the decree and the papers, I’ll be breaking away from another one of those patterns after; which, there’s only one more left…

That won’t be easy either, but break away I shall!

With that, I sit back leaning on the single bed and wonder; how many more chances could I have given to him… or to him… or to anyone else? The signs were in my face and yet I didn’t turn him down when he had finally proposed to me. He wasn’t on his knee or with a ring. He takes flowers to be a wasteful gift. The rest of the details are dirty, so sparing. Come to think of it, the flowers didn’t ornament the room even on the wedding night. The look was more that of a refugee camp; a make shift room to pass the night, dozing off if you could after surviving the shock. Wasn’t I entitled to something romantic, something charming… wasn’t that…!

Like I said, it doesn’t matter anymore…

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Living my life again

It’s been over 2 years floating through a transitional phase! After 33 years, it’s started bringing back to me all that was and lost too. From being a happy go lucky child to over – cautioned teen to a most reserved grown up; it’s making me live through all of that n more. All of this started soon after I started to write in my blog. Today, I realize, that’s when it had started, since I used to write when in school.  From re-visiting to places those have haunted me while on my 1st n 2nd visits, to bringing back phases I missed out upon to live, to phases, those are best described as dreadful; it seems it’s decided to crash upon me all of it one more time. Emotionally, I am taken in for a roller coaster ride almost every day. The days I don’t, I feel empty.

Nine years of restrain could not affect my passion.

For the last couple of weeks, I am doing illustrations for a book. How it had happened the very 1st time, I took to sketching yet again after 15 years. Mom was too apprehensive about my “hobby” as it was then referred to as. All of my colors were stalled under lock n key only to be bought all of it again because I had taken up Textile Designing (vocational studies) instead of any specialized skilled professional degree course. Back then; this is how these were referred to as. I took to expressing my mind with lines, shades n colors again.

Hell broke loose soon thereafter.

I lost mom the same year within a month of taking up my passion as a dedicated subject of the study, I lost my home too, the following year. I was subjected to violation throughout my 2nd year of the course. All her life when mom had wanted to see her daughter’s name put up on the merit list, she wasn’t around to witness when that really happened! Hadn’t I told her to limit her fairy tale fantasy expectations? If she had seen what I’ve been through after I lost her; she would have died anyways. Just which mom would take to her daughter getting violated kindly? I don’t think so.

Fast forward to year 2012.

The electricity problem is how it used to be. I didn’t own a television set then, the one I do now is not working. Financially I’m broke n that’s an understatement. My best friend is missing again! I stay in a place which is almost countryside, out of town- village- ish. Even the mosquitoes buzzing around seem to be happy witnessing a phase- revisit.

In all these stabbing similarities, there outlines a huge stand- out.

Someone I have known for the past few months have taken over the bit of doing a savior stint himself quite instinctively. I feel I’m back to my college days again when all I survived upon was a pack of uncle Chipps n FP (wafers n fountain Pepsi, that wasn’t a typo for FB).. The sketches I’m outlining have similar patterns to what I used to till a decade and a half back. The suppressed expressions have as though found out a way to tap its feet all the time while playing harp of my mental stability. I’m finding it difficult to not feel overwhelmed when I was gifted a set of sketch pencils. He’ll never know what chord he played by doing that. My parents were gone, I had to step upto being a provider to myself. Just when I am all grown up, fiercely independent, he gets me stuff so I take up to pursue my passion yet one more time. The same pencils are now drawing what I always wanted to, creating a backdrop for the memories of the past tense to dance-drama on my mind. The story doesn’t end here, this is just another chapter. Like I say, he is picking up every inflicted stance, redoing those, undoing the damage, out- doing it in all possible ways; washing away the hurt and pain in the process. The memories he has created in the past few months has already made me live a huge portion of my life till now. You can only forget your past if someone outdoes it in your present. The roots of your past stances are stronger than any force; I see him cutting those one by one.

My words have gone dumb.

Just how do I explain to him that this simple gesture made me go back in time when my whole life had gone upside down and not for good? I strangely feel exposed to the things I had taken in my stride- not by choice. I feel held by my hand; I’m dragged and made to stand face to face with my past life one more time.  I have begun to emote, to cry, and to scream I’m hurt. For half my life till now, I had gone numb, not reacting to any situation however adverse. I carry too much hurt to decide upon which one to cry about and then. It has been a few months already that I felt this was happening; with each passing day, the thoughts are growing stronger than the time itself!

How I have seen in the last few months, he has been creating fresh layers.

He has brought upon me the times back I didn’t live, but only survived through. Picking up from my childhood crush who later on became the biggest affliction, to stances those had tricked me into believing otherwise, showing the wrong counts between the milestones; he is picking up each one of those healing the wounds, first by opening them while cleaning up the puss and then by doing his bit of magic potion on it.

Probably this time around, he would wipe away all my hurt.

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Sketching my life

“Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end.
If not always in the way we expect.”

I would add: rather a li’l too wildly at that. One of the Luna Lovegood’s quotes from the coveted HP movie series, she couldn’t have said it any better. I have stood witness to this phenomenon a few times already. Only I say it differently.

“No matter how long it takes, I get what I want”

Pardon me for any hint of arrogance there!

I have come a long way from writing cards for my girlfriend’s boyfriends during my academic years. I now write words from my mind, inspired by my Love.  Working on a tentative plan of compiling those words in a form of a book, I am doing the illustration for the same; riding up and down the memory lane. Not going into too much detail about “him” in this post; his meeting up with me has brought upon the time I was forced to miss out upon- quite blatantly.

Like writing, I have a penchant for fine arts too. This is where the story begins… in my early childhood. I was awarded gold medals in art (painting) in a national level competition when I was not even 5 years of age. Feeling threatened, mom had placed all my paint brushes and colors under lock and key. She harbored a thought that maybe I would not study well in pursuance of art. That’s the best thing she could think of then. My dad had abandoned us when I was 12. It only made sense that I concentrate on educating myself instead of “wasting” time drawing lines. About dad, he could never come to terms with the fact that I did it better than he did! The colors faded even before they could splatter across.

Years later, Time took a turn for me.

Despite getting shortlisted for a degree course in medical sciences, I couldn’t get anywhere near the college. As my fate would have it, I had ended up enrolling myself for a degree course in Textile Designing. Mom was taken aback. All she said was that maybe I knew how to call to things lost or perhaps knew what was to happen anyway… I didn’t need her anymore…, before she passed away couple of weeks thereafter. The next two years I spent sketching and painting and drawing while dancing as a puppet to blotch’s tyranny!

That face had framed itself.

16th September, 1996. In the 2nd year of that course, we were given an assignment to work on lampshades as theme. We were to draw all crazy and weird lampshades that we could pick our reference from, stylize and turn those into a motif and then a pattern for a dress! Shelling out money to buy some expensive “interior” ideas magazine would have made me miss my meals for a few weeks together. What I had drawn was not only a work of my imagination; but also appreciated. It seemed one of the lampshades talked to me asking me to give her a definite shape. Coloring her up with water colors, I had left her at that.

For then…

This was in the year- 1999, as if a voice spoke in my mind. I worked in a computer teaching institute then. Using MS paint, I had created an image that the students of multimedia went gasping about. The 3-D effect made them feel as though she might even speak up. Silly, I tell you. The girl was given a pedestal and made to float, while leaves covered the water from the sides. The image had to be zipped and what’s remained of that is what I have posted here.

Year 2012, I have started to sketch again. 17 years later, I have been given pencils and stuff to work upon some illustrations. My Love bought to me what ideally my parents should and would have; those which I had to buy on my own then. In true sense, I am back in time, I’m the student and certainly dependent as it is usually in teens. Or maybe the time has come around.

Just yet again!

I had all my plans to get a book published by last October. The date set for the same was same as my mom’s death anniversary. Some or the other thing kept nudging the plans and it had to be called off. Only to be started from the beginning. My would be publisher suggested that I do the illustrations on my own. Here, I make a pause to wonder, is there some connection with my passion and my inability to pursue it and with mom? She had held herself guilty no end for many things those had happened to me or the lack of their occurrence. Is this why this got delayed that she could create enough momentum in the Universe that I get the message and do the illustrations on my own?

That girl spoke to me again…

14th March, 2012. While drawing a face, the idea of etching the details had created an impression that only rested after I sketched that face again. Not knowing what to do with her face, the sketch lay there for yet another week’s time. This morning, when I sat to start sketching, the face called me in my mind. Lost in thoughts, I had picked up that sheet. I drew a few lines before the similarity hit me. Unknowingly, I was giving it a shape of what I had drawn in that Computer Institute. No sooner had I stumbled upon the un-canniness; the pencil’s tip broke. It seemed, as if it detached itself from the present time. Almost as much of a whimsical a thought, I pasted the broken tip back to the pencil with glue and completed the sketch.

Just who could ever think decades would melt in the process of joining the dots? 

I have posted all the images here for you to see and appreciate the similarity! Today, I lived almost my complete life again, bringing in a few phases and some afflicted memories together again. The two years of my college was also the scariest of all times to come. I wish to erase all of that from my life- canvas while the girl in the sketch becomes me, floating in ether, beautified, maybe immortalized too! The bitterness is too much for me to handle! The thoughts have done enough damage to my mental stability for today. Every day of my sketching a sheet is making me re-live some part of my life one more time; perhaps, this once for the final time. For now, I just want to lay in my mom’s lap and rest for a while.  Will someone fill in for her? For sometime?

And then forever…?

Wait a moment, could this girl also call upon her destiny? Did she make me sketch that for her; or she knew it already and was waiting?

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Anti- social tick!

The whole day went by but I couldn’t concentrate enough and so, didn’t sketch any.

I spent some “quality” time face-booking today though 🙂

The 1st 3 hours because I failed to upload a video and rest actually trolling around and posting likes on others’ trolls. In those few hours the guilt was over- taken by the joy of reaching out to people to share I was alive. If only I had some real life friends, I would have called for an evening tea party or perhaps a weekend get-to-gather and enjoyed no end over the drinks, food and that fun video I shot.

So here’s what on my mind.

With the invention of internet, the world has indeed shrunk and so the binding n bonding in any relationship. My question here is: do we get to hold any more new relationships?

Who has the time anyway? Well, I asked for it- didn’t I now?

While SNS are a great media to keep the distant ones in touch or may I say at a distance of a touch of a button or a few keys as the case maybe; it has distanced all the natural relationships that once defined “man is a social animal”. Now, “a man is social only if he has a public profile starting from FB, twitter, handful of blogs, flicker…” the list is practically a never- ending one! It doesn’t matter if you are social (in the orthodox way of the definition); he got to be a troll.

We no longer look forward to talk or meet up since we keep texting almost the whole day. Everyone is perpetually updated with every single detail of your life from your recent purchase to absolutely nonsensical (pardon my choice of words here- but that is what it is precisely) troll made to something which was indeed sensitive. Gone are the days when we wrote lengthy letters, day dreaming about the person in mind. Break- ups used to be messier than the actual affair since a lot of paper work was involved! Whatever happened to those hand- written cards?

Oh c’mon stop being old “fashioned”- mms are cool. You are still an old school if you were about to say e-cards.

SMS..? Texting as it is referred to in some countries just proved that “communication doesn’t need any language… err, dictionary I meant; and vocab too if I may. Grammar, well it’s now cyber ethics!

If the walls of the house weren’t enough already; we have other “walls” to cage ourselves up inside. Just about anyone (you choose to depending on the privacy settings) can slam a comment for your entire friend list to see and snigger under the breadth. Instead of socializing we rather tend to browse through their albums. The videos aren’t the ones you star in almost always.

Really, stop posting your daughter’s first day at school. It isn’t like the 448 friends you got under the friends list will all post a “like” or a comment; infact, the ones who would rejoice on this event are the ones already in touch with you. Guess what, those aren’t even 40 friends- only 8 and that too if you are plain lucky! We can’t ignore the fact that we have made our lives just as public as any other dweller at the road- side. The expression- “As an open book” should now be changed to “as exposed as on SNS”

The mode of mass- communication is the only way we communicate via now.

P.S. If you are reading this then the chances are that you picked it up from my FB profile. There, I said it!!

Here, I rest my case. Go ahead enjoy this video. Have fun.

.

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Beyond my wits!

It is only right that every end marks the birth of a new beginning!

They say all that begins comes to an end so anything that was born will die its own or brought upon it death. It’s also true that where there’s a vacuum, the nearby substance would move in to fill that space.

But what about the thoughts those keep my mind clouded even when I want to only shirk those away? The ones those keep me occupied as though that’s all I was meant to do? It doesn’t matter if I am in a company or sitting lonesome, those thoughts keep blowing in my mind like mad evening breeze. The bright and the sharp tones keep etching and playing themselves like some chaotic landscape. Some are pleasant; some are not. Some are questions; answer to which I may know but curiosity keeps nudging at me to sit back and see what would be- may I say this time?

Words like soul- mate, passion, love seem to have defined themselves for the first time ever. Definitions have been merging out of the denial that I have been living in till now. By not allowing myself to think over, am I being easy again? Maybe this time I should be.. Alas, if only the allowance could rule the disobedience.

Differences are huge- attitude, life-style, understanding of life- almost diagonally opposite. Yet, I kept giving in and if I am writing about it here, I am still giving in then. Abstaining is complete denial. But my making the very mention of that is the acceptance in itself!

My peeve of drawing comparisons between two people is not working well this time. The similarities or the un-canniness range from some of the afflicted relationships to some very memorable ones to some I would never be able to hold with anyone again. Or maybe I just did this once bit! Infact, all of those altogether..

I feel I stand under a hail-storm. Realizations, questions, their answers and then newer questions have been hitting me all over as I stand naked trying to absorb life this one time. Never ever have I let my guards down so low that the other one sees right through me. I feel I have been pierced through every pore and when there were no more left to be stabbed, newer ones were wounded in. Never before I talked so much or shared things so very personal to me without caring for any opinion or judgement. Never before my words were heard so loud before I actually even decided to speak. Never before was I held so many times up. Never before was I pulled out held by my hand. Never before did I cry or laugh with life thrown in at stake. Never before the windows of my thoughts were forced open so many times.

Metaphorically and quite literally too!

I am thinking too much but I’m done giving in on impulse. It’s deeper than any instinct could tell. It’s burning my insides like some fire in the woods. I feel the fire and the ice both at the same time steaming me to vapor.

  • I need some water to burn the fire down.
  • I need some warmth to melt those ice crystals before they hit me.
  • I need some hand to hold me forever so I don’t even stumble or fall down.
  • I need a canvas to paint and keep doing that forever..
  • I need that music to keep me under its spell till eternity and beyond!
  • I need a door so I can walk out- out of the hurricane of thoughts, away from the eye of the cyclone.

One way or the other!

  • I wish to live and love.

Or awaken my peeve of running away… only my mind is not letting me do that!!!

I want to be whole again and then forever so these thoughts lose their existence… for all times to come.

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Discovering what Love means

“Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry..”

Cold weather, freezing winter winds and one soppy teary Love Story– and what have you?

Last few weeks, I have been watching movies, the English movies. Quite surprisingly I have started watching the spooky horror movies, the ones those turn out to be horror thriller movies instead of some ugly burnt mindless body making you jump over you couch. Only I am not a potato, neither am munching on any wafers!

Starting with a beautiful Mozzart piece- my personal fave to be precise; the movie made a very different impact on me. Although shot in an era or how the audience is made to float in, it was very relate-able. The girl (or the heroine), I could identify myself with her at the very first instant. Witty, intelligent and clever; definitely picking her man very carefully, she made me smile like I had known her from somewhere. A lovely made-for-each-other sort of romantic movie; it made me sit and grin and mush all over. Oliver (the hero of the movie) is a stinking rich man any girl would love to fall in love with, sits on the ice- covered walkway bench and muses about his girl. It was like standing at a beautiful view-point and turning back to narrate how your travel was till then. As it so happens, the girl gets sick terminally and passes away leaving a young widower to mourn and rave about the life he just lost.

Till about some time back, I used to dig for the types- not anymore.

I loved the movie- no doubt about it. But it just reminded me of the movie I watched years back. The girl kills herself to save her lover, apparently, he kills himself over too. Years later, after deciding I don’t want any of these “sick”ly love stories, I go out to watch something very similar. “Rockstar” if you may want to know. I had gone to watch that in cinemas with someone (yes, someone..). I cried at the end and had stood in front of the screen entering the hall again from the other exit to hide my tears- if only they knew how not to slide down my cheeks.

I have come to believe that you make of yourself exactly the movies you watch.

The recent inclusion of horror or suspense thriller (as the case maybe); I am yet to understand which way I’m heading lifeward. Perhaps, I am learning how to take the dirty details exactly in my face. By the end of the learning curve, I would not give any more leeway to people so they hopelessly prove my judgement about them right. People who know me beyond the surface level know I do tend to give a second and sometimes third chance also- only to be hit back by my being so easy about my conclusion about them. Now, I might just learn to act upon the message I usually send out of “I don’t give people a second chance ever”.

I do watch cartoons and sci-fi stuff a lot.

Did you hear that? Fairy tales and fictions I said. I hope I do make my life a happily ever after with loads of happiness thrown in. For now, I still hear Mozzart playing over a snow clad set with a smart chic woman who loves music and loses her life exactly when she wanted to be a mother!

~*~*~

P.S.- Only one person I know would be able to decipher the last few lines..

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In two minds!

6th January, 2012- 9.30pm

The thunders are quite literally thundering. All that glass shattering noise is freaking the ghost out of me. I do feel scared; feeling the very same right now.

These are the times when my instincts work faster than the flash of lighting. Like how it takes some time before we hear it after we see it; it stones me for a few seconds before the realization starts preparing me for the patch up. Ordinarily, people break down and wail. I sit up and start analyzing the occurrence to save myself the next time. Only by the next time, I grow too matured to even call upon anything remotely similar.

An even uglier stance starts preparing to hit me.

Gothic at its best, the chills of the winter combined with rains sets the perfect backdrop for those paranormal movies. The ones where you don’t see the spirit, but only feel being watched over. How we cry in bouts, the drizzle keeps changing itself to pour and then fall, and then light fall to splitter splatter, till all the pain is gone away, till all that needs to be mourned about is done with.

I had left the upstairs door opened today, so had gone to latch that up. A falling rain-drop kissed me wet leaving me with a certain thought. Something happened a few days back and I am busy calculating the words those got processed in my mind in the most probable way. A certain peculiar vibrations were set. I am yet to decide whether to feel appalled taking offence since it sped up a few things, thoughts those would have taken months if not years to set its grasp; or to feel thankful about the same.

With each pouring drop, my mind is letting go off a lot of apprehensions that I had held unknowingly. Now that those are leaving, I feel lighter than before. Clearly, I have stepped up my initial insecurities. I still wait for his call no doubt, but that restlessness of whether-he-would is clearly gone. No matter how much it pours, nature only blossoms after a rain; my mind is also becoming greener letting many a new things shape up, earlier those were only a far-fetched idea , which seemed only a delusion.

Not anymore.

The stance was like a rain falling so hard that I was barely able to look-up. But like they say- every cloud has a silver lining; I see the rainbow come-up almost immediately. How hard it was for me to suppress my desire to give someone a piece of my mind! Half of my mind is still doubtful wondering if now he has put up a farce to please me since maybe he has been made to think in a certain way?

Then again, if it is to get affected (or ruined) so simply, then it’s not worth it- what say?

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Left out..

Just finished watching “Bol
Wish I could put up the same question as the lead actress, the narrator herself does in the movie, to my dad.. Ironically, he is still alive and I’m no better than dead.

  • Why killing is a crime and giving birth not?
  • Why giving birth to an illegal child is criminal and giving birth to a legal one only to be left to rot in the hell not?

Thanks to him that I am not a mother yet.

In the whole process of his fathering me and then abandoning his family, he has left me as an illegal child who is only leading a life of an orphan. Things are so screwed up that no man has been courageous enough to take me the way it is. Guess what, they all are but men.

Quite miserably I have been forced to live a life of that of a loner. Beneath the façade that I put up of being a snob and fiercely independent lies a great yearn to build a family of my own. However, I could never trust a man enough to take him as the father of my child. I have made everyone around me believe that I don’t like kids when on the contrary I kept growing up my daughter in my thoughts.

My father not only ruined his own married life, but also my mom’s and mine too. I am yet to understand that how many more generations to come would take repercussions to my father’s that one careless act!

The very fact that I resemble him makes me feel no better. After all the years of brooding about the past stances that perhaps I’m leading my mom’s life- since all that happened with my mom was re-repeated with me too; I realised that actually, I’m living a life quite similar to that of my dad’s. Horribly redundant to mention; the realization was not at all pleasant.

Alongwith the other artistic talents, I have also inherited his mastery over running away. Although my running away is situational and not a trait; however, I definitely know how to leave relationships behind and live alienated even in a company or family. That I do so out of no choice is something I choose to ignore at this point in time.

For now, I am what my father made of me – a terrible social reject. A recluse and a borderline retard, who is too scared to initiate any relationship. How he lived solitary despite being in family and leaving them behind is something he has made me do too, making me live a deprived and missed out upon life.

I wish, I could disown him legally too.

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DATE of exit

Is that a sign again?

I’m thrown back in time- just yet again. How it’s been for a year now, I’m being forced to look at several different times when my life had transitioned to different phases at different intervals. It’s hard to ignore what’s happening around me at present since it bears an uncanny similarity to the last few stale phases I crawled out of!

Dream come true.

For three consecutive nights, I dreamt of having shifted to a different place. On the fourth night, I indeed landed at a guest house to stay. Today’s the 3rd night here. The room that I peeped into while walking out this morning is the room I have been shifted into tonight. Guess what, that’s the same room I stayed in some four months back. I had so wanted to write about one of the most beautiful days and the best date ever that it will be for all times to come. Only I wasn’t aware of the fact that I would be pushed back to the same guest house, same room yet another time where I would make a mention of that particular day. Now that I do it here, I have a strong conviction about something that had crossed my mind that evening.

It was only a few months back on 24th July, 2011 that I lived the most wonderful date of my life till now. Upon reaching home, I had not wanted to there. It was peak summer, my air-conditioning unit wasn’t working. That was when this thought had crossed my mind for the very first time.

Landing down here in this guest house 2 nights back, I had become stoned.

As much as I wish to gain stability, I have only been living a life of a wanderer; noble, if I may! I had shifted to Gurgaon in December 2007, after which I spent straight 4 months locked up in a (different) guest house. With no place to go out to and no one coming in to see me; that’s the best expression I have to explain how it was. All I had was 2 set of night changes, and a pair of jeans to live in. That’s when I had turned into a recluse. Few of my friends, or so they claimed had in length conversation with me over the phone; however, never made any attempt to meet me or even ask me to drop by their place- one of them lived only a few blocks away. The current phase had started with my stay in a guest house; I have all the reasons to believe that it would end in a similar manner too.

Yes, I was out on a date with him yet again!

Today, on the 3rd night of my 2nd time stay at this guest house, I am barely able to take control. of my brooding mind. Strangely enough, my thoughts are mixed and are not limited to feeling upset alone. The last two times the electricity problem had caressed the wires, which is why I am here; I had shifted out of those fallen out phases. For the past few months, I have spent more time out of my home, including nights. In the most harsh manner, is time once again warning me about what is to hit me and soon?

Is it time already that I leave this obnoxious arrangement? Maybe one of those dates with him would actually not letme go back to my life that needs a change already!

I’m waiting anxiously..

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Screaming solitude

Lack of communication leads to disaster results- says my best friend Ruby!

That’s one of the things I can’t handle besides rejection and indifference.

Come to think of it- all of these are very much related to each other. An outloud coldplay of no emotions expressed towards someone. It sets me into thinking how can a social animal- like we human are, can do something as cruel as this? So far my observation has been that only people with a secured upbringing surrounded by their family and close-bound relationships are the ones who exhibit such brutal expression. Obviously someone who is a loner and is devoid of any relationship- blood or acquired, wouldn’t dare to put the other one into a vacuum.

I am lost in the past.

With absolutely no one to speak with for the past couple of days, which is actually how it was even otherwise before he happened to me, I was forced to go back in time. I mean what else would you do when everything how it is in your present stems back from your past? This is despite the fact that I kept all of that beside me and written down every bit of it explicitly in my blog! I wonder how much someone’s silence made me go back to time when my my life changed to become how it is today, when I was only a kid. No points for guessing- it was the indifference and silence that my life since childhood.

My childhood witnessed my dad and my uncle never speaking with each other, my mom and dad never interacting with each other and I entrapped in the dilemma of talking to whom out of the three. They would avoid every probability of going out in public together- so that they don’t end up communicating even accidentally. My dad wouldn’t talk to me the day he would see me talking to my uncle. Feeling sorry for my dad, I would spend most of my time with him- for which I would be reprimanded by mom till I stopped speaking with him one day.

That wasn’t the end of it.

Like any other young girl, my dad was my first love, who only abandoned us and went absconding when I was all of 12. A year later, my teen crush (perhaps it was not) made me do something that I regretted about till few months back; only to be put back into more or less the same situation as that was by someone yet again. I was sort of labeled as an outcast in both the schools. A huge confusion resulted in making me go completely silent; what options did I have when no one really spoke with me? The second school I went to, I was never accepted. Excepting for a few fun months with Ruby after which she shifted her school, I was treated like an alien!

Soon I stopped talking to my uncle after he barged into the washroom with me standing stark naked. My mom had once made me go for a shower with my dad despite my discomfort long back; after the incident with my uncle, I stopped speaking with her too. The only few months I happen to speak with her in all my life with her is for only 3 months-after which I lost her to death.

Conclusion:

  • Best of the relationships only lasts for a few months.
  • If I love someone, I lose him no matter (to) what.
  • If at all a friendship develops, it’s always long distance.

The only opportunity that I got to live a relationship even if in a fallacy for just a few months has been rudely snatched away from me. Yet again..

Why, I’m not surprised!

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Living some life!

Sharing every detail of the day that just passed by like any other, with a laughter and glow in your eyes like it was a special one.. Sharing the passwords of your internet accounts.. Letting the other one see how shabby you might look soon after you wake up, not really bothered about your looks but hurrying to kiss the other one a nice morning.. Talking every detail out of your mind till you can remember no more, all of which is long gone..

Ever wonder why we do all of this?

More than sharing, it’s about the other one letting you see your world as if he was a part of it while those instances were happening! I wouldn’t mind if I were to tip toe after the shower in a towel while he may accidently lift up his face. The idea is not to seduce him while I act all coy or innocent but it’s about sharing my very own self the way I am. It reflects upon how comfortable I maybe really to do that without feeling shy or worrying about being not in a perfect shape as the case could be.

Cliché!

You could say. You won’t if you are in love. I have had people around me- that’s right, never in my life. My life till now has been like walking through a Victorian Era museum. Curios, artifacts and the rare jewels all displayed for the visitor to look at and admire- but only from a distance. On the face of it, I have a perfect life- style, but like I said, it’s only on the surface. Like an elaborate packaged gift, one would see a very different content when the façade is scratched down. When I’m letting someone read me beyond all of that glitters which most definitely is not gold, I’m letting that someone to know all about me, so he knows all about everything like he were a part of my day and night.

It’s like living in my very own fairy tale.

I am the princess and the prince becomes when I am with him. I care not of the time or even the lack of it as long as he is around me- even though it may be only for a few minutes! It doesn’t matter either if all of this is to end so soon as if gone like a beautiful dream.. I will live every bit of what comes my way like it’s my own life even though when it may not be!

Who really cares what happens thereafter?

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Lifelessly alone

17th November, 2011

My best friend Ranu Arora who I lost within a few months of our friendship, one who had first created an impression on me to communicate formally even with friends had once pointed out; I tend to say “I wish” a little too often.. she was right!

I wish there were someone who could decipher my silence as my desperate need to talk to him. I so wanted someone who could read my laughter as my helpless attempt to not cry. I wanted that someone to crowd up my personal space so much that he eventually ended up becoming my habit, my passion and my whole world to me. Who knows this may have already happened.

Till now, I had stayed arrogantly smirk about the fact that nothing could really move me. I used to stay drunk in my ability to not love anyone so much that his action affected my state of being. For years together I had wondered about how upon seeing anyone never made me skip a beat or maybe two!

I never felt this way ever for anyone before. Anyone I have talked about this to has only smilingly concluded it to be love. I only try to explain what it is that I feel for him. I never imagined someone’s silence or disappearance – seemingly unintentional could move my whole state of mind from being at peaceful beach to an after flood bank! The pride I took in never going back to patch up with someone whoever tried to walk away from me came crashing down after meeting someone. My existence gets rocked at his even slightest of avoidance.

Beyond any rational understanding, I go sulking thinking of every possible wretched mis-happening. I so overlook the broader picture of the situation I am in. When it’s about someone and for my life-time; there are more complicated things that would need addressing. Instead, my whole understanding of things crumples down to a cypher.

Fear of losing him engulfs me like the winter fog of January morning. What is it if not insecurity? If only I had someone with me; let alone that someone! I would have been busy with him confusing that far cry from perfect relationship as being the love of my life. Only the ones with lot of vacuum are the ones able to identify what they want. The irony is that they seldom get what they want since in their void, they tend to sketch the exact peripheries of their desires; when in reality, nothing is near perfect. Till sometime back, I could never make someone realize that I hold his hand to get support and to not provide any; don’t know if he now understands but quite likewise becomes my state of mind when I don’t get to hear from him.

Helpless.. Forlorn.. Dejected.. Aimless and completely lifeless! Only silence rules..

Footnote: I had read someone’s diary this morning where he had expressed his disappointment over how things were in his life. I had so wanted to reply to it. Only didn’t know that by the end of the day, I would write something very similar to what I had read!

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Flipping over the pages..

12th November, 2011

I read some good number of pages from someone’s diary today.

Reading through someone’s mind written down in the most personal manner has always intrigued me since ever. The fact remains that I strongly believed that only the soft in their heads write diary- my mom included. Before I go on to share what I read or concluded reading his words, let me share about what I read about my own self. I believe; I have begun to understand myself better, ever since I went into being in that recluse mode that lasted from December 2007 to April 2010. For once, I thought I was out of that phase. Now, as I write this; I feel the phase is very much growing back on me. I typically feel I would end up in that self- imposed exile once again. The only few things that I would let near me would be the words.

The irony of my life (till now) is: my love to communicate with people while I have no one around me to do so actively. This is one of the other not so interesting reasons why I started to write and young. Reading through the personal scribbling makes me see that someone living his life, giving me beyond a spectator’s view. I feel I’m living with him in that very moment- in a time zone that passed by long back, where my future presence could have never been guessed. The very experience of going through someone’s diary makes me believe I was so meant to be. When the words are being written, I strongly believe that those create a different dimension inside our minds when they are read. While it’s being written, each book writes down its own destiny of what dimension it would create when it would be read. In that destiny to strike, several other people and instances get bound together. Hands that would pick it up to only flip through its pages, to someone who would buy it to perhaps gift it to his beloved, to how the words read by someone would feel influenced by those, to exactly whose book- shelf it would sit in to what love- stories it would be a part of.. These words- written and/or printed are The Destiny Creators. They live to generate that same magic throughout the Universe across all timelines.

Like time, the words witness life stances, time zones and yet remain constant; the characters in its words get immortalized.

As if to echo my thoughts, the movie I’m watching also runs on the same thought pattern. There are always Signs for you to recognize- something I would write about separately (read: another post). There are no co-incidences. Incidentally, I have something to share about this movie too. While working with hutch (now Vodaphone), the movie I went to watch in team outing was Minority Report. My manager’s manager Sanjana had freaked out since I had kept telling her my version of the science fiction thriller. She believed I had watched that earlier- which I had not. It’s only my hobby to analyze- the fictitious, the better. Well, the rest half of my team went out to watch Signs. Could it be only a co-incidence that yesterday I missed Minority Report because I felt freaked out and watched Signs this evening without any scare when watching such things actually make me nervous?

My getting to lay my hands on this diary says as much. It’s been with me for a month or so, he has asked about what all I read if at all I did and what I think of him after reading his written words. Come to think of it, this diary while was being scribbled by someone was creating its own destiny that one day, it shall sit at my home becoming a part of my life- style, making me believe I know that someone beyond just a casual acquaintanceship. Why else would someone want to give it to me upon my asking for it only once when he only wanted to show me only a small part of what he had written?

The typicality doesn’t end here..

 

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Please don’t stop the music!

One of the few things left for me to explore and take forward is my passion for music.

When I say music, it is beyond listening to a few “fave” songs on the music system as it used to be then or on my cellphone or laptop as the case is now. Good music when played loud gives me an unmistakable high; perhaps, why I started to experiment with drinks very late. Combine the two and I will have the most beautiful evenings of the week or month. The time I spend listening to those while getting high on drinks is like making love- each time taking you to unconquered peaks and losing count of the times in the process. I was only a toddler when my elders found out that I could sing and very well at that. That nothing was done about that is one of the brutal facts and grudges I hold against my parents. In exchange of I agreeing to change my school, I was offered to take music classes formally to pursue a degree in the field. As a repercussion of believing my mom, I had lost my school, friends, a relationship that could never be and whatever little I could do about it by participating in school functions.

I don’t tend to carry on with the things without any conclusion.

Anything that I see going nowhere and I still continuing with it kills me until it lasts. Although only 12, I had noticed something about him that had made me to shift my school along with my residence (incidentally) leaving no trail for him to catch up with me ever. Not sure if I would want to use any expression anymore as I have clearly decided it was not unfortunate. Likewise, I don’t wish to give him any credits for anything good that might have already come-up because of him not being with me anymore, not even in my thoughts! Over the period of time, i.e., as late as in 2005, my observation about him proved out to be the most correct one. Somewhere in all of this confusion, I had developed feelings for him- more so out of guilt and with the memories of time spent with him in school. The few songs we sung together or the few he made me listen to ever, are now all washed up ready to create fresh print on my mind.

I was talking about my love for music; why “lost but not love” then?

This isn’t my arrogance speaking when I say that most of my school teachers across all the branches knew me with my name while I didn’t most of them! All the songs I have ever sung are still embedded in my memory sheet. Back then, there were no youtube channels or even any Ipod players. Sadly, the two times I was made to leave my home, I was made to lose my collection of music- both in terms of cassettes and also the fond memories build around while listening to those. In later years, those songs would remind me of the associated stances taking me back to the same humiliation that I had suffered while leaving those alongwith having to leave my house.

Today, as I sit listening to some, all I feel is as if in trance.

I am keeping highly occupied and somewhat disturbed too. Being completely unable to resolve and understand a few things, it’s pushing me to the edge of breakdown. I already spent a couple of days under observation in the hospital as repercussions of taking stress at two different times. Although the medication is only as much as not making me end up in the hospital yet another time; it’s not doing much in terms of relieving me of the anxiety or inquietude that’s brewing in my mind. Each time I breathe in, I feel a throbbing pain stabbing my chest. As if it wasn’t enough, you questioned me if I never give in to listening to music, putting all the songs back for me, in the process showing off a similar taste in music as that of mine, listening with me to my all time fave numbers, screaming to a few in utter surprise and at times in repulsion, downloading others- for me and from me! For once I just wish to stay stoned.

Music makes me stay drunk.

Not exactly shifting my focus, it is somewhat making me remain in a make believe world giving my mind a certain swing to sway in. All the lost music, a few songs that “he” had imprinted upon making me helplessly think of him is now back to me creating a virgin memory. While I am enjoying all that is happening to me, I am trying very hard to keep myself distanced and dissociated too. The memories I am creating right now would stand to be the best ones for all times to come, a fact I am very well aware of. I so wish if I have him along with all the memories that are getting created too. With all his love (or is it only me? Not that I care to know really!), he not only erased all the fun I had, along with its memory of back then exchanging smalls bits of paper with songs written in reply to the previous one with him passed on from the 1st bench to the back bench in 7th standard, but took the whole act of sharing music to a different level altogether. Now, I wonder if someone else can really outdo the whole thing ever.. Every time you made me listen to your fave songs while talking to you or before going off to sleep, it only seemed so right.

SIGH..

That all I would ever have to hold upon would be these memories is the afflicted part.

Yet, I am trying all that I can to take it in my stride and failing miserably. I have not been able to live my life full swing before this. From uncanny co-incidences, to having child like fun to enjoy all that I had missed out upon; I am living all of it right now. I feel I am living my last 34 years of life one more time. With so many stances hitting me when I had left all hope, all I am doing to celebrate “the” right now is to listen to my fave numbers. I have all my songs I had lost back with me from last so many years to as though cheer me up in my present phase!

Just when all of this would end, I’ll play the same numbers in remembrance of the lost period.. with you..

when without you..

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Retroflex

What am I doing again?

Just yet another time I let go of my apprehensions. Only this time it was a very hard work! Perhaps, all the things those had happened to me have called upon me for a final show down. Incident after the one, those are re-occurring in a manner, as though well conspired- or so it seems.

I have beginning to ponder upon how there could be so many co- incidences.

Why things those had hurt me the most are coming back to me again? Why are those now creating newer versions of the old ones and exactly how I had wanted those to have worked out the first time? Why are those now making my mind hold a never ending series of personal and priceless memories, outdoing all possible afflictions?

Why indeed? In time, will these too grow thorns? Again?

It’s been 4 months that I have been spinning inside a huge vortex; one that is only bringing the past stances back to me again. How could someone be so selfless while giving? Nights together I have sat awake trying to understand the direction of the spin. It so seems that the things around me have sent their message to the Universe; inturn making it send its energies in the manner most unimaginable- such is the intensity of the recent happening!

I feel as though I lived my life till now, once again.

This time around, it is bringing back all that I couldn’t achieve the first time around, undoing things those had gotten messed up then and as I said, outdoing every possible memory those were anyways long over- due an erase! Stances those I had held very dear, those which had become afflicted too at the same time were let go of, once and for all times to come. Patterns those had ruled or if I may- over-ruled my life for decades together were broken. My sub- conscience mind that could never really look beyond just moved. All the possible hurt and pain was lost one fine day. The repeat stances were in complete contradiction to the ones those had happened years back. While all this was happening, little did I realize that the mirror was getting wiped clean!

On it I want(ed) him to reflect his image. How the definition of “him” just changed..

A definite spark of chemistry had struck in no time.

Scratching away at my thought process like a fierce predator, attacking my insecurities- he killed all of those one by one. I could barely react to what was happening! How was I letting someone take over my life as if it were never mine? Why was I letting him do that? I could barely voice out my opinion that I created about my own life based upon my own experiences. How could I only think of him every waking moment? How was I letting his attitude infect that of mine? Why was I listening to whatever he said as a quip? Why the questions he asked made me go into the retrospection mode?

Of all, why he carries a shade of someone I had carried memories of for a bigger part of my life till now?

Why all the things he said was making me think of my mom, or my best friend or everyone else I ever loved and lost already? Why was I becoming scared of losing him again? How he carried all that I ever wanted from different people at different point of time.

Was I hallucinating? Am I delusional now?

I still don’t know about any of why he is doing whatever he is; but do have a close reply to those of mine. It was but obvious to start feeling for someone who had unknowingly done all of what I had ever wanted from different people at different point of time. The most striking peculiarity of this relationship proved out to be the very building block.

However, do I really want whatever I wanted in him in the past few months- anymore?

Did I only rush him and myself into it? Am I holding onto him because I don’t have anyone else to hold upon? Is it only a mix of a few co-incidences and a warm gesture of help that is setting up this delusion? Is it because I couldn’t dote upon anyone ever? Is it really not meant to be? Is he really not worth it? Was this all there was to it? Was I expecting too much then or being overtly judgemental now? Why do I see it falling apart?

These 4 months- is this a mark of a new life or is this only a change of weather?

  • Given all the striking similarities, is he going to be the other him, ruffling up my life without “him” yet again?
  • After re- living a life similar to that of how I had with my best friend, am I again going to lose him to another country or continent?
  • The last time I was loved so dearly was my mom- is this the second and the last time ever?

Anytime I had wanted to end a post with “idk”, he had made a change without I asking for it. Will he do that again? Will I let him do that?

Will he be really able to make a change? Why do things I want badly never happen to me? Not atleast when I want them to. Why do these most cruelly remind me of how relationships keep fizzling out of my hold? That no matter what I do, I am only left with memories to live with instead of that person?

Always?

Was this even worth giving this post so much time?

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Not a love- letter!

Introduction: I am starting to write about my present day things- or may I say the details of my soon to be the last phase! I am at the fag end of a helpless and ridiculous arrangement that had turned me into a recluse for over 2 years time. My intuition says it’s going to be over in no- time; yet, till the time it doesn’t, I am living absolutely at an emotional edge that is just too sharp for my own state of being.
I haven’t talked about this to anyone even in nut-shell before this. I opened up only last year after I started writing. I have started to say it aloud after I have stepped out of that self imposed exile to save the embarrassment. The contents of the following post stands true word by word even today; while the original was typed over 2 years back. Needless to say, it didn’t make any difference to his attitude whatsoever.
If that helps you knowing, I spent a sleepless night yet again!
Just so many things have happened and all of them highly un- pleasant that putting them in a sequence would break my mind; let alone the words to express. Since my present day story is a beautiful fairy- tale, I would refer this period as the last phase. I want it to be the dead and forgotten phase already.

~*~*~

I am aware of the fact that your very reaction to this paper would be that of you finding similarities with your girlfriend till you were her PROVIDER. There are many things that I have come to terms with despite my resentment; this is just one of them (you treating my reactions and responses identical to hers).

I have failed to make you understand that I don’t appreciate your uncalled for rude behavior towards me. With the proximity now, the instances have also increased. Please try and understand, whatever the reason be, I am on my own (YOU TOO ARE NO WHERE AROUND), so whatever it may be, I have to and do deal with it. You have made it a practice of imposing your mind and state of being on me and make an exit as per your convenience. You can’t state your innocence about it as each time it has happened, I have brought this into your notice without any concrete outcome.

The way you are not appreciating this document at YOUR OFFICE table right the 1st thing in the morning (you don’t consider this as my home now- do you?); similarly, I don’t appreciate and feel disturbed with your behavior at MY HOME the last thing of the day. Ironically, since you are the provider, it would go as per your wishes, so it may not be my home and essentially be only YOUR OFFICE, hence your dictums. Yet, I push back and deny taking your shouting, tantrums and all irrational behavioral expressions that you exercise towards me. I don’t come in your way at all, i.e., don’t impose myself on you for WHATSOEVER, yet I get to bear your mood swings with being at no fault of mine.

You have always been showing me down in whatever I try to initiate or even communicate to you. You haven’t been able to suggest any concrete replacements as well even one time, then why this you-know-it-all-attitude towards me? Incase you haven’t understood, try and recall..

  • The other day when I tried telling you about scraping off the wax, you suggested yet another futile way of doing so. Have you actually done that yourself that you were so CONFIDENT and IMPOSING about it? Your tone reflected you-know-it-all and that of I-am-a-beginner really.
  • Yet on another occasion, when I suggested of making beads jewelry, you had your own set of obsolete suggestions to make about how it SHOULD be done and that I have a wrong way of approach!
  • Very recently, you wanted me to do a market survey on what people’s reaction would be on certain way of treating a fabric if I were to start some designing! You keep forgetting my being a professional designer!
  • I wanted to paint and create some upholstery, you suggested I should buy them from the market, why take so much pain to create- whatever!
  • I wanted to get an enlarged painting framed and hang on the outside wall, you wanted me to trash it and buy the already available ones.
  • REALLY NOW, PERHAPS I GET RID OF YOU FOR GOOD AND GET SOMEONE ELSE- RIGHT?

Did you even understand what I had in my mind? What all do you know about it? I hate to make a mention here but I believe, it would be helpful for you to know that I have a flair for it and posses a degree in fine arts with MERIT.

If that’s not all, I have no idea of doing anything whatsoever!

  • When you had scribbled the date manually on the Citibank letter without noticing that I have already done so my way, didn’t you feel you then made the document look childishly prepared?
  • I tried writing articles; you simply commented and affected my compilation, which didn’t make any logic to the essence.
  • More recently, even before I could give you the details, you had cut me short about lampshades not being available at Karol- Bagh. When I patiently concluded what I had to share, you had all the intellect talk about the marble to impose upon me.

I really need to understand, why do you keep competing with me? I am not your contender. Do you see me as a threat to your state of being? I am way too beyond all this because of the reasons I don’t wish to divulge here, as it would go at a different tangent then.

  • If the Computer chord goes bad and I suggest a fix-it, I get to take a beating..
  • I tell you people aren’t good here to be I interacting with them alone, you feel I’m being hesitant.
  • Otherwise also, while suggesting any replacement in your “office” typing work, you acquire a stabbing approach.
  • Time and again I have tried reminding you that alignments happen at a certain stage and are to be done manually. The computer programs won’t work automatically as per your mind until they are formatted so, yet you won’t spare the exasperation and breathe down my neck. I feel really skeptical working in this manner.

In all the instances mentioned above, your tone had been

  • BEYOND rude,
  • Your mannerism highly UN-ARISTROCRATIC, and
  • Your approach very attacking and demeaning the other
  • You are a far cry from being humble and polite. The virtues don’t exist in your book.

HOWEVER, YOU WANT THE OTHER ONE TO LAY HERSELF AS A CARPET FOR YOU TO KEEP STOMPING UPON IT.

I just don’t wish to take any of it anymore.

May be you have been moving around with the people of low intellect and IQ of less than 100 and hence have felt the need of constantly guiding them. PLEASE DONOT BESTOW THE HONOR OF SIMILAR TREATMENT to me.

You don’t have to bother about my breakfast or lunch or dinner anymore, I would inform and ask for if I would want any. The arrangement has now started bothering me. I understand THE THINGS ARE NOT HAPPENING AT MY DESIRED MOMENTUM, so I wish to keep you as well relieved of any of the associated obligations. I’m on my own, LET ME BE. I’m not complaining anyways. You don’t stay with me anyways, and never when I have actually needed you. It won’t be really out of place to mention that I have stopped expecting anything out of this relationship now as you had made me to expect earlier and DON’T WANT ANY OF IT ANYMORE. I’LL BE THE 1st ONE TO PUSH BACK ANY DAY IF SO HAPPENS.

I’m not your daughter that I would keep taking your SCOLDINDS if that may be your surrogate. I’m a lady; treat me like one, else PLEASE KEEP OUT. NO COMPLULSIONS.

I’m pretty stable on my own. Don’t keep making my state of being unstable with your attitude. I don’t get in your way, impose my ideas and make you subject to my high- headed attitude. KINDLY RECIPROCATE.

I have not been able to sleep a wink and wish to be on my own; please don’t cross ways.

I don’t go out with Office People, neither do I appreciate them around me in my Break Time- however close the peer may be. Saying so since that’s all is between you and me. Kindly keep in mind:

  • If you squeeze the Lemon hard, it turns bitter.
  • Hammering constantly at one Contact Point would definitely weaken the Tensility and result in Breakage..
  • By closing the eyes, you won’t turn Oblivious, only you would not know when and how bad it’s going to hit you..!!

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An ode to my eternal lover

 

Perhaps I was only 2 when dad had bought this one for me. I kinda idolized the greatest charmer of all times and even wanted to strike an affair secretly. There was yet another white fluffy doll that I was given to choose from. A local cart-wheeler carried those near my home then. When dad explained why it would be wiser to buy the plastic effigy instead of the fluffy fur toy, I bought this one.

Amongst the few things that I was able to retain and carry those alongwith me through the uncountable shiftings, besides other ups n downs; this one happens to be the one!

 

The marble effigy was presented to me by mom- around the same time. I had one wooden temple (place of worship) crafted for me. In there sat the two!

This one was shot in SurajKund Crafts fair- 2010. Boy, am I glad to get clicked with him? SIGH!!

I take great pride in celebrating yet another Leo’s birthday. Sometimes I laugh upon the fact that my earlier name had the same initials as the lord himself. Strange fact is, Olivia begins with what my last name ended with. The only difference being I was born at 12 noon, he was past midnight……. hmmmmm

Happy Janamashthami to all of you! I am fasting like I have been since years now. I too am sucker of cheese n other milk products. “wink”

~*~*~

 

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Self- ish Thoughts

I had so wanted to write about the new book I am writing in this post. I will do that here; however, this would be the concluding page or so I think for now. I am now writing the last page of that new book. The first few chapters have been drafted, there’s a lot to be written in between, perhaps volumes; however, I feel this may be the conclusion. Then again, I may eventually get to write a series without really coming to an end- my mind still tells me that this would not be the desired end. That there’s more to it and if I write the concluding chapter now, I’ll have to re-do it again.

Last few days I tried reading my mind really hard.

Breaking all patterns of keeping it to myself; I had shared my current things with people around me. Sampada was one of them- no points for guessing. For once I didn’t hold myself back and went about discussing all that I had wanted to. I most definitely love this side of me- how I used to be. Credits go to my new book! Like how I am, I flip over from the back side of a book; so, don’t be surprised if I am trying to write the conclusion in the beginning.

It’s been long since someone did something for me.

Apart from Sampada and her family, I really don’t see anyone around. Friend, support system or my family, whichever name you wish to award her- it won’t really matter. She sits way up there. Lately, I happen to meet someone through her elder sister Sareeta- my idol of all times. As they say, the rest is history! I had resisted his company no end; realizing only when on my own that I want him to be very much around me. Every 2 days, I would tie my thoughts down and resist listening to his spoken words. In short, he had come crashing in breaking the walls I had created; opening me up like that’s how I ought to have been. I could see all of that happening and yet, could do nothing about it!

I am going to keep the changes with me for all times to come.

There I said it- precisely why I feel for him. The amount of affection I have received despite my resisting; I am amazed at his patience in dealing with me. I am a handful and I know that! I had been at my negative best with him. Boy, am I affected? For once, I didn’t keep it to myself. Declaring it to the world and around me, I feel better already. I am not expecting many people to understand this one. The ones who matter do already. Most of all, he does too- atleast I see him trying.

Is it still love?

Yes, it still is. Only now, I have my reasons in place. Every day is giving me a clearer picture to look at. It’s the negative people who influence me the most, positive people are the ones I resist. Go figure! So when I realized despite all the arguments or emotional undercurrents or even flooding conversations, I was as peaceful as nothing had happened; it helped me to conclude that there’s nothing negative about it. My mind is highly analytical. I don’t take things at their face value. There has to be a reason attached to everything and a darn good one at that.

I now know what it is.

My being so caring without me realizing was only a reaction to his actions. I was completely unaware of my having started to reciprocate already. But isn’t that how it goes? You end up feeling for someone who is good to you. For now, I have stepped back from being me, trying to assess all the dimensions. I don’t give up unless all’s completely dissected. So while I see it is but natural to feel for someone who cares for you; I also see I had developed an instant liking for him.

Was it my premonition then?

After all that he has done for me; the emotions only grew. It was my intuition indeed. Then again, you are bound to grow fond when someone gives so selflessly!

I’ll try to be selfless too this time around.

~*~*~

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Concluding a relationship!

The last phase of transition has brought upon me yet another period of transition. This is what I have been brooding about since long. The un-canniness of the stances has left me incapacitated.

Where do I even begin?

My life pattern has been an exact replica of my mom’s life cycle. If it helps knowing, I am sailing through the phase that she was unable to hit yet. I have consciously broken the patterns in my life cycle to break away from destiny or maybe to create one. She was still stuck up in her last phase when she had passed away. I for one am working my way out of it as on date.

Having said that, there are many things those are yet to be concluded.

That also means I won’t die a hopeless death. I don’t have a daughter to support. Fate definitely had made me get into it- but I had broken away from that one too. Not that it was any more conducive than how it is now or not; the fact remains, it was I being her daughter who had not only made her medically unfit but also had taken her life away. Yes, I feel it was more of me who took her away from me.

If I am to sum it up today, this is how I would put across.

My life since my childhood has been a rough- work sheet till now. Men have scribbled their pattern on me. Starting from my dad to uncle to classmates failing to get into anything concrete to other relationships, it’s men who have played my life. My last 34 years is only a reflection of my involvement with men, showing their influence over my life cycle. There are few of them still attached (or maybe not exactly) relationship or maybe not anymore; of those have hit the dead end. It’s crying for a conclusion.

My writing has to do something with it.

I had recognized this pattern when I was 7 years of age. No sooner I documented something, it came to an end. Anytime I say a thing a few times over wanting it really bad; it just so happens in the very typical manner as desired. My current life pattern vis-à-vis men is: I have a few books written over already. The last page disclosing the most predictable end is to be written. Once that is done, the book would be gone and finished. Absolutely no traces or portions would then be able to branch out (from past) to reach me. While I was trying to finish one of those, the 2nd one called to be concluded anyway.

I am writing anyways.

If that’s not all, I have begun to write yet another book already. All men I have ever dated; I see the shades of all of them in this new book. The details would need yet another post. Perhaps, I would keep writing this one forever- atleast that is how I see. It seems I have all that I lost in the words of this new book. The striking similarities between our individual nature and life stances and the overlapping traits of all the men in my life till now; seems all of that is bundled up and presented back to me by my life! Now, the dilemma I am facing is- do I want to write this book- if at all?

One of the books last chapters would be decided upon this Sunday!

~*~*~

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Falling in Love

Sweetheart,

Will you hold my hand and come with me to that water fall for once?

Look around; isn’t it serene? Go and stand under that spring. Do it now.

How do you feel? Without your asking for it, you have already soaked up the spring- water; its wetness glistening all over you. It has filled up every single pore in your body making you breathe droplets of water. Your clothes couldn’t do much about it.

Now, you either would want to stand there and enjoy or step out.

Even if you decide to whine about standing under the fall; it will not be affected. It will keep stroking you with same amount of force. To experience and connect with that strong flow of water; it’s you who has to let go of yourself. Do it…… and now take note of how you feel.

Aren’t there baby streams forming on your skin? The water hasn’t judged you before falling over you and it doesn’t really bother anymore. If at all, you have started communicating with the current. You notice a rhythm of its falling. It seems to tease you with its high and low fall. You now know exactly how to stand yourself to enjoy that bond which got created just a while back. Raise your arms and feel the serenity of it. It echoes your voice for you alone as you scream your heart out and yell. The sound of the fall against the rock is covering your screams, creating a small secret place for you in open- so no one around hears it. It is the same fall that has been striking itself against those humongous rocks that you couldn’t balance upon while walking towards it. The fall hasn’t changed its course, it is the rocks those have become slippery smooth.

Do you identify yourself with one of those now?

Those being rocks- have sat there for years. They didn’t bother to roll with the fall and flow ahead with its current to newer places. Mind it, the water has been and will keep falling from the same height and everyone sees it that way.

The irony or the satire of the whole situation is that even if you choose to step out of the water, drying yourself having not been able to connect with it, it will still keep pouring. No matter after how much time or maybe never step back in it; the whiff the drops picked up from your skin will flow with the water. You see how small your bonding (perhaps that you could never create and so you stepped out) is as compared to the bonding the droplets created even when it didn’t say so? Try as hard as you wish to, you will never be able to go back in time and unwind it or take your essence out from that flow. It will always flow with that current no matter where it goes carrying the sniffle along with it across places and times.

As many times as you would try to, you will only give away some more of you to the flow.

Definitely, you may or not like to spend your life standing under the fall; the fact remains, the spring will not stop from falling. The greens around will keep reflecting the falling light. The sunlight will keep breaking itself through the droplets making mini rainbows around. It will stay as scenic and picturesque as it was when you had stepped in.

Now, try calling the spring a crazy bent.

The sound of its water striking the rock will not become dim. It’s you whose voice won’t be audible. Such is its arrogance. That water fall has been corroding those rocks for decades or even centuries; this will go on for another few. Strain your ears a bit more- don’t you hear a pattern as the water strikes the rocks and then takes it course to flow forward? The same fall had echoed your giggles as if freaking out with you- that is now falling on the rock making music and eating away on its sharp edges. It is the rocks those are now taking the fall in its stride; the spring hasn’t changed its course of fall.

I just showed you what would happen if you want to be a rock. I also made you see how it would be if it is you.

I, for once and ever will keep falling over from that great height and then flow forward carrying your essence within my senses. You and I both would never be able to take that sniffle out of the time clock. We both created those memories and in it we shall keep dwelling for all times to come. It is you who won’t be able to hold me within a clasp. You will have to let go of yourself and keep your arms suspended in the air to let me hug you. You will have to lift your face up to feel refreshed.

Close your eyes. Enjoy the love that is flowing; leaving you no sooner it’s touching you.

~*~*~

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Broken!

What is worse than getting hurt?

It’s the pain of carrying the spilling tears all the way through your transit to hit the confines of your home to cry your heart out. That throbbing infliction makes you sigh even with your mouth closed and you try to fake the sound by coughing. You don’t want the taxi driver to know that you may be way beyond sobbing. If covering your face with your handkerchief didn’t give way to what was happening at the back seat of the car, you jab the ear- plugs into the recess of your brain openings those were bruised only moments ago. By the time you reach home, your tears are dried out.

One of the things I have mastered upon over the period of years is faking it all. Then again, it’s not by choice.

There is something awfully strange about me.

When really sad, I tend to look at a different tangent altogether, making merry and celebrating life as though all’s very well at the least. I was having my food when Hemant called me up. He wanted me to watch “Lie to me” on Star World. 4 years of courtship, 3 years of abused wedlock relationship, 2 years of estranged relationship, despite staying under the same roof and with none of his family members to intrude or conspire, and another 3 since I walked out on him; he had wanted me to watch something in particular. Why did he have to suggest watching that particular show?

Upping the volume of the songs at the interval, leaving my food plate aside I had acted as though I had gone berserk. Perhaps I had actually! I danced like a tribal, screaming like a witch, throwing myself on the floor – not really bothering about sanity anymore. I lay there for sometime like a spent virgin or not anymore, crying, looking at the things around wondering why this had to happen if at all!

All stabbing moments had come flying by hissing at my helplessness. For a moment it was hard to decide what was more hurting. The time when my mom died, when I was thrown out of my home- twice, when I realized my marriage would be a sure shot failure or when I realized the man who promised me the world was another one of the losers trying to boost his ego or maybe I fighting my way out of all the mess and more?

He must have thought of me as a rude one, since I didn’t wish him while leaving; whereby, it was I who had craned her neck to see him pull his bag before pushing himself in from the left side of the car! It wasn’t intentional. I was way beyond hurt; I still am. I will live alright, but really don’t know if I would ever come to terms with it.

The way I am; I may put up a façade of having come to terms with it after all.

Or maybe not.

I feel sadly pleasured up in collecting this pain! Apparently, there is something that could hurt me after all- or is it a someone? A particular someone- who I let so close that he could affect my state of being after all. When was the last time that I had gotten so affected by- if at all? Why am I so hurt again? Is it because of him being so ignorant or I being so rude in response?Though unintentional but I lost moments of hugging him, kissing him an evening! Even though he had hugged me; I had stood stoned. I am still unable to decide- what was more hurting- his behavior or mine? Why did I let those moments pass by when I could have made memories of touching him- feeling him next to my skin like a part of my own body?

On a lighter note: Being high has its own vantage points. You can be how you wish to; yet get away with it without people creating a fuss over it. Little would they ever know that that is only a facade to hide away the hurricane whirling inside your heart!

My throat is soar because of all the mad screaming. Atleast something didn’t let me down- my vodka made me cry like it was the end of the world.

In a way it is..

~*~*~

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If wishes could fly..

14th August, 2011

I had so wanted to watch Avatar on Star movies tonight. Not quite remembering the telecast timings, I had switched on the TV while having dinner. The last few minutes were what I got to watch. Not really upset but I almost wished if this was re-scheduled for the next slot too. No sooner had I wished upon, it was aired that it was indeed re- slotted for the 9pm telecast the same evening. Well, if this is how fast my wishes are going to get granted, let me re- shuffle my long “wish- list” already!

This movie is what was required for me to watch after spending a sleepless, stressful night. The world of fantasy, surreality flying around, changing forms, taming dragons and unending thrills; all this while leading your life close to the forces of nature. If that was not enough, they had vampire set of teeth too.

SIGH!!!

“I could really do with a vampire of my own.”

Just when I had thought of it, there screened a trailer of Eclipse (Twilight) slotted to be aired on September 17th! Wondering what all I had wished upon during that time. This is one of the reasons why I keep a close check on my thoughts all the time. I so can’t afford to be casual about this one. I say it and that so happens- more often than not!

There’s something about these mystical, wizardly acts that keeps me drawing in. I do wish to study Occult as science. My close friends and even the regular readers know how I have always been able to say it much before its actual happening. In a way that’s exciting- since that way I can channelize my energies only in one direction.

For now, I wish:

  • My things to get sorted out once for all.
  • Leave my country never to come back again ever.
  • Definitely get into a relationship that’s based on Love, mutual respect and with someone who understands me the way I am! 
Amen..!!

~*~*~

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Still celebrating

Loud music gives me a mind blowing high; so does vodka and quite likewise a very fast moving vehicle. At this moment, I have mixed the 1st two and am so yearning for the day the 3rd one would be thrown in too!

When you read that, can you really take a guess at how much upset I maybe at this point in time?

I guess not. I am totally high right now, was able to sip after about almost 3 weeks, listening to awesome music. Like how I am, I have been hearing this one since an hour now! As long as it’s good, I don’t mind re- repeating the same. Does it show how contented with little things I can get with? I could really spend my life with one single man- that none happened and it ended up with a count of more than one, devoid of any love resulting in scarred relationships- is a different story altogether.

Perhaps that’s why when I’m most upset, I try to hold it all by self and sail through.

Anyway, there’s no point sharing (read: cribbing) when there’s no immediate stepping out. There I said it. I want to break free from the present day set-up; a completely abused and mis- labelled not at all a relationship! After doing the grocery shopping in the evening, I had poured in some drink to cheer myself up. Ruby had called up just then. Just how does she come aware of I needing someone right exactly when I do? This was definitely not the 1st time that I could talk to her when I had badly wanted to! Explicit details weren’t shared, didn’t require to since she is pretty much aware of my present day state of my mind.

I could also send some texts to distract myself when that helpless feeling had started embracing my better self. Suddenly, I have people around me just when I need them. Be it sharing my lappie news or more recently my birthday or getting shockingly surprised at how someone arranged that so well; I am not leading my life alone anymore. Superna (Ruby’s youngest sister) made no bones telling me how good I looked. Not she alone but others too have noticed a change in me. I too have felt the very same!

So, why was I upset again?

A few days back only, I had shared about my peeve of not showing off how sad the day may have been, with him. Be that my mom’s death anniversary or I feeling completely down n under; I don’t show it off at all. I always pick up the brighter avenues around me and even while sulking, I go on celebrating life! My sipping that vodka soda was a part of that celebration and then Ruby had called up. I had sipped some tea at midnight almost with Kavita– while chatting online, both of us getting up to prepare the same at same time and then tinkling a Cheers on gmail chat!

Call me crazy if you so wish to- but that’s how I have always been.

I maybe depressed from within but will fiercely roar aloud outwardly- quite literally. When young, my immediate elders took me for a gone case- well almost, till I showed up one day declaring my successfully having survived even after been thrown away out of my home- not once but twice. All of them had stood mute watching the entire theatrics without even winking.

What’s wrong in me?

Has it become my habit of covering up my vulnerability or is it that I am die- hard optimistic about exclusively morbid things? It won’t be out of place if I tell you that my B’de Bear seem to understand my emotions well. It had sat around quietly looking into my eyes and assuring me that everything will work out. I couldn’t believe that it was the same teddy that had teased me no end when I had hugged him last night while sleeping. A lot of firsts are happening to me. I have never hugged a bear before to bed! I am open to changes making them an part of my attitude and mannerisms. I tend to draw energy from wherever possible!

For someone like me; have I lost all emotions excepting putting up a facade of “all’s bright and shiny” or is it I am brain dead and hence don’t understand how grave my situation is?

I haven’t broken down yet! A simple good night call- wishing me night and I feel I am alive! Do I really not know how helpless it is? Am I not contented yet challenging my life situations to try and hit on me yet again? Have I mastered the art of playing around with those?

If this explains, I am listening to- HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!!!!!

EDIT: I didn’t sleep a wink and had kept texting someone- not cribbing about my things but how I could try and shape up my future things. Does it explain the essence of this post now?

~*~*~

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My best B’de celebrated ever!

This years was most definitely the best birthday celebrations ever. I can’t even begin to put his emotions that showed and my loving it all- in words. Like I have never ever been so pampered. I missed Ruby, perhaps soon enough it shall be at her place. Sareeta didi was the best thing that could ever happen to me or even to this birthday.

I was getting tired of doing it alone or even as a “cozy” affair with the loved one- not that I ever got to do the cozy one. I so darnly needed a family time where all of us could sit, enjoy and make memories together. I mean what’s “love” if not shared with the close ones? The idea was to make it a bonding time instead of a date! There, I said it.

If that’s not all, I got to spend some good (amount of) time with him locked up in a room- officially! The canine had to be moved around in the house since it was sat locked for long and was to stay locked up when we were gone to dine out on 11th. So when the dog was out, we were in.. lolssss Details..? ummmmm.. actually none- some time spent together and that’s all about it. I wouldn’t have want it any other way either. He was watching TV while I had finally felt at home.

Ruby’s family is the only place where I feel relaxed. The feeling of “All’s Well..” had comeback the moment I had stepped in at her place. I had lied down and almost may have dozed off too. I didn’t since I wanted to savor the time. The tensions go like it does when you enter your home and get with in your family members.

The two days went by like some fairy tale romantic novel story. The memories have left me so refreshed. It seems that it has taken away all the pain that I had accumulated. The bitterness has begun to fade away.

PS- a few “details” and shooting “those” have been intentionally missed out upon. Perhaps they would go directly in my book.. or the poetry blog!

10th August, 2011– From beginning to the Cheers snaps, included.

11th August, 2011– Fedora dude onwards..

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The surprise I had so wished upon.. this was it. The wishes..? All granted for now. I received many many Happy Returns of the day! 😀

~*~*~

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The Beauty of the Beasts II

Previous- The Beauty of the Beasts

I had assumed that the 2nd post maybe the concluding part. You guessed it right- that’s not happening; not in this post atleast.

The route that I take to reach my work destination in Punjabi Bagh, I happen to pass through the airport. No sooner I cross 15 kms, I run parallel with the runway- watching the big birds take off or a few of those landing leaving a streak of smoke on touching the ground. A few more kilometres ahead, I see the big cockpits staring at me through their nose. Only that this time around I feel they are calling me! Since years I have kept scared watching its image in print or even one on my computer, what to talk of watching real one?

I have dreaded walking into one looking at it with my eyes. I don’t feel so anymore or so I think. The other day I took a de- tour through the airport. People ready to check- in were stood in queue outside the airport lobby, so were the planes in the open ground- or that’s what it seemed. It’s been a few days already and I am unable to think of anything else. I did the same thing today and I could hear the lobby welcome me.

Is a travel due? I couldn’t have asked for more.

I so wish to board one now and an international one at that, whereby 4 of those engines maybe giving me angry looks and I be winking back at those!

AMEN!!

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A new Beginning!

I was sat sulking and had even actually cried hoarse about being stuck in this present setup (read: helplessness). It was as though the divine patting my back to stop, I had stepped out to the living room. Pulling out my office diary, I re-discovered that leaf.

The 1st one was not a leaf but was hard cash; most of which I had already taken before in advance. For many years to come thereon; I had used those only to cater to my basic needs. I have lived a very long period of time where food, shelter and clothing was only luxury.

It won’t be out of place if I say I received my 1st pay check ever today.

  • As a writer
  • After resurrecting myself back
  • I am going to spend it on other than meeting my ends alone.

It’s one experience that would always stand out whenever I look back and think of my bigger achievements.

While at work today, Sareeta had asked me to write those checks to be given away to me and other writers. For a surprising and shocking change, her saying so only brought back a fond memory of how I had performed on School’s Annual Day function when still in Nursery. I had topped all sections and had bagged separate re- cognition for Painting/Drawing. I had performed on stage inaugurating the awards ceremony and then had run to quickly change to my school uniform to collect my Award- s. This was almost as if a mini- celebrity was living her life in her own sphere of Royalty.

Today, writing the check for self and then letting Sareeta give that away to me made me go all the way back in time to when I was 4! The transition that I am surviving now has stark resemblances with what had happened 17 years back. That’s when I was thrown out of my home! But whatever happened today; made me go back another over a decade and smile. Big! How I had felt collecting those awards after opening the function in presence of the school teachers, students and their parents; I had almost reconciled with the thought that that would only remain in my memory to be cherished forever! That nothing ever would ever come close to that thrill.

That today, I lived a day, very similar to what had happened years back and a day that remains to be the 1st endeavor ever of my achievements; makes me believe that there is more to come! I am starting all over again. Sareeta remains to be my idol for over past 2 decades. I am blessed to begin my new life the way it has already..

No wonder today I had worn a top that my mom had bought 16 years back.

Sareeta didi, I will stay indebted forever!

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Calling for a surprise!

I have no idea how this years would be!

My birthdays usually have not been the very best days of the year. For as far as I remember, I have been planning the day on my own. Being surprised has never happened so far; at least not on that day. Whether it’s running all the way from Patpar Ganj to Rohini, or taking a day off from work; I haven’t been able to really freak out on my birthday! Yes, my friends and colleagues have made it special for me but I am yet to fall back in surprise. Usually I sit up all by self, completely alone at my house.

30th July, 2011

After getting one of my wisdom teeth extracted the previous evening, I was trying to take it easy. I was sat watching Spiderman II on TV. Well, as it is with me, memories came flying by stopping at nothing driving me at a very unstable state of mind. It took me to the time when I worked with Convergys. We had gone out for a team outing to DT Mega Mall after our shift. That was when I had watched the movie and I being I, had cried at the last scene. The entire team had sat laughing at me. I mean what was there anyways to cry upon? The bad guy was taken care of by himself, spidey had managed to save MJ and she had come aware of her boyfriend’s identity!

I had felt that pain in me of loving someone and not having him to self. How things are at my end, there is absolutely no room for any baseless Love anyway. Then again, I have a knack of recreating pain in the manner most unthinkable of. The pangs could be felt deep inside your conscience exactly how it was the time it had happened to me while surviving it. What I am saying here is; I have not experienced any fruitful relationship with a man till now. It’s either of the one. The relationships are more out of convenience where not only it becomes highly inconvenient but it also ceases to be one.

I strongly believe in we are what we see. I have always loved watching the serious melodramatic ones where the loved ones never get to get together, the movies those are embedded with deep human psychological emotions. No wonder my relationships are a reflection of the same. That the love was lost somewhere there, is a different thing altogether! Watching the same movie after 7 years made me highly disturbed. It made me think of all the Love lost and bittersweet birthday memories.

I am awaiting this year’s birthday now; although not in anticipation or maybe in.

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Love? Most definitely- Yes!

Just reached home all chocked up with emotions.

The memories of how it was, had kept coming back to me. It was difficult for me to rationalize what hurt more – then or today? I guess, you would know the answer to it by the end of it. I feel I am hit by one of the thunders my vehicle had sped through to reach you. Although very different than that one; yet, the whole thing had kept reminding me of how I had ran (quite literally) to meet someone years back. Not mentioning anything beyond that since it’s not about him this time.

Not anymore.

I feel I now know why things you did or say were so typically similar to what had happened over 2 decades ago. I had missed the point that it was about time to look forward and burn those memories down. I will; or maybe, already have. A few beautiful memories those were attached to someone not so nice, you made me forget like those were never made. Now when I try to think of those, there’s no sense of nostalgia in my thoughts anymore! If at all, I get fast forwarded to present time where you just created some new chapters for me. Letting me wear your watch, the ball point; wait, how did you know it was his fave color once upon a time? It is one of mine now besides mauve! That’s how I accept people, right into my lifestyle; deeply embedded.

You did it all.

The one thing that had made me go brood over was when you said the very things I did to him; while quite begging him to stay with me in the process. The other day when you had touched after bending, threatening me to “return”, you had left me stoned. I know it was more out of naughty humor, what I love the most about you; it had taken me back to a time I haven’t shared about with anyone yet! I had touched him one last time that being the only time ever. When you did the same very thing, once and for all, my feelings for him that I had stored in me for the last over 20 years had come crashing down. Quite unknowingly you had barged inside my sphere and claimed a place I had kept locked up for all this while. Your naughty acts had quite gelled with that of mine, kind of threatening my façade of composure or maybe my mastery over those (acts of mischief).

It’s in your mind too.

Your thoughts about a few things are exactly how I feel for those too; about adopting kids who lost their parents and how to go about life after making it big. Whatever you said the other day was exactly how I say- word by word- In verbatim! You wanting to practice instead of preaching alone said it all.

Uncanny is the word.

Where do I even begin? The meaning of your name.. Why, I am not surprised. I would’ve been damned if it meant something else! Wait a sec, your birthday falls exactly on the date I mused my beau to be celebrating his birthday on. Go ahead; dismiss it as a silly one. But I could do with yet another set of pincers actually.. clank! Ouchhh.. easy!! Your thoughtfulness of carrying extra portion for me- without my telling you to, you are way too good to be left. So you are caring, observant and definitely not forgetful. Hope you remember our dates for all times to come. What I am saying is, you tip toed into my space and bang opened me up to how I used to be- completely undeterred.

It’s only a matter of time!

That the transition is now giving way to a different beginning is one another thing. My having being able to step out of my “captivity” (read: ridiculous arrangement) has definitely done good to my confidence. Then again, it wouldn’t have been half as easy without you. You happened exactly at the time I needed this. Your acts of consideration has opened me up like a blossom. It was but natural to fall for you. The mutual admiration or space we try to offer is how I have been till now; which has been brutally abused. I am stuck up in some arrangement but that’s all it is to it now. I anyways need to come out of that, this was all the last transition phase was about.

Tearing away..

For once, I did whatever I did for self in a very long time. While travelling back to home, I had barely been able to relax. My walkman headphones sat there for no good reason. After many years, I cried for something of my own; or may I say, someone? Till now, it was out of helplessness. If this evening had not happened, I would have never realized that I am back on taking decisions of my own! And, that it’s no more a confusion of, “how to say it all and make him understand!” stuff. Then again, I have not come across anyone this understanding. In a long time this evening, I had not felt helpless anymore. Although all the possible roadblocks are quite showing; I feel, together, we can do it. It would be safe to say; I feel more in control when with you. It seems you would fly me along and well.

You still want a reason to why I feel for you?

The dreams and aspirations you have is quite same as that of mine. I’ve been chomped upon my roots way too many times; that’s precisely why I am going a bit easy this time. Had I been how I used to be, I would have ended up starting my life from scratch one again, turning even more bitter. The passion, expertise, forte- you know how well we complement each other. It was you who made me see it actually. I have that someone in you, who is wanting to take me exactly how I want someone to! What more could I ask for?

The conclusion is not what I am seeking- but the travel!

I guess that is why I am leading my life in phases, none of the setbacks ever as being the concluding chapter. Why do we have ellipses then? Series, sequels, remakes..? To stop and get stagnated is not my way of life. Look at life, in itself, it keeps going on! When you talked about your “business proposal”, that is exactly what I heard- a life moving on in a definite motion instead of concluding it with or without a label. A few months or a few years, is a small period when we are talking of our life- time. We have bigger issues to deal with! And how are you supposed to know anyway if you don’t give it a try or believe in yourself? I know you do- that is where I am surprised. How could someone like you be not seeing it? Like I said, more than the presence, it’s the assurance that would keep it going. Once into it, wouldn’t you also be holding onto the same? So, why “acting” considerate towards me?

Woah..!

There was a certain amount of relief in crying today. For about half, I had sat dead on my bed hugging myself. My body down my neck had gone wet by the time I had realized I need to stop. It rained this evening to maybe keep my tears hidden or was it crying along with me? I had barely finished writing it when you sent me that text saying exactly how I say to my blog friends!

For now, you just did it!

I had raced up to save a very beautiful part of my life. I have spent a major part of it already musing with memories alone; here is the opportunity where I can just live the way I have been secretly wishing for! I hate the weather here- don’t you know that? C’mon now, I just said I have a selfish reason.. okay, I can’t stand canines and dust and am a cleanliness freak and cynical too (could I divert your attention?) btw, I wore the same fragrance that I had back then.. coincidence? again? don’t think so!

Alright, I am sentimental

YOU are the reason sweetheart! You replied without I asking for it. I was so hesitant talking about it, probably would have never ever made a mention! I mean how many times will you make me fall for you now? Let’s just say- you gave me enough reasons. Please do let me know if you still need any assurances (promises). If you haven’t realized yet, I just declared my love for you. Even if you don’t, I will always do! If it isn’t apparent, I have wiped off my mirror squeaky clean, do I see your reflection there now?

P.S. The chauffeur was spared.

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Catching Up!

It’s been a while since I posted on this one.

A lot of things are going on simultaneously at present keeping me occupied for good. For a change, it’s not an excuse. I have not been missing from my blog this long before; hoping sincerely this to be the last of those vanishing acts.

New! New! New!

Of course I took time to adjust with the new cropping up situations. Over 3 years I was stuck up inside my home, leading a sedentary life. It was more of a secluded lifestyle instead of a lonely life. I just can’t stop saying this again. I started to write and things started changing; gradually, opening me up through a deadly transition towards a brighter life. In the process, making me how I used to be- undeterred!

Beginning..

As was anticipated, a new life was as though waiting upon my realization. What with a new set- up, profile, work- style, lifestyle and most importantly, people! Through this while, I have barely been able to weave a few poems only. At times, I wanted to write but was losing out upon the enthusiasm. I was more worried to get some sleep 😀

I asked for it anyways.

I wanted a change, a major one at that. Now, I be gladly sailing upon without grumbling! The only hit is or the one I want to work upon is my blogging frequency. Now that I am over my anxiety, I guess I’ll get back to how it used to be. I love making notes, capturing a snap- snot in my mind. I am all set to write those down in words once again. That reminds me that I haven’t used my camera for a very long time.

I am thrown right in the middle of it.

I have had days when I had wanted to write, but did nothing much about that. I am writing all of that down here so it keeps hitting on my head and I don’t take it easy anymore. I have much observed a fact that once I write something down, it becomes as though embedded..! Eitherways, I have a lot to write about and sand crystals are only filling in the bottom cup. Besides wording the previous pending life excerpts, I have got to write about some very beautiful things that is pushing me back to life one more time.

So what I mean is that I’ll be moving around this space more frequently now.

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Life coming to a full circle

Imagine a roomful of kids (or gown- ups; as you may) asked to draw random circles on a plain sheet of paper. A myriad presentation of unending lines would appear on your table; upon submission. Some would be concentric, yet others would be as if polka dots (if filled). Some of those may conform to a certain pattern; yet others may be completely abstract. One of the sheets may have a pattern where all circles maybe touching each other at the same point. A sheet would pop up where all circles maybe running in like looped in each other. If you combine all of those results; that’s how my state of being has been for the past few months.

It started with a very sweet intuition.

The acceptance was killing and that’s an understatement. Apparently I hit the stage one of the anticipated transition where realization squeezed every bit of complacence from my cells. In the process, I realized how uncomfortable all of this had been; yet, I had kept up with it! To have come to terms with the fact that I have no option other than to stick around with it still; was as stabbing as the repercussions of the few other mishappenings in my life. An arrangement couldn’t graduate to a relationship. It had hit the dead end even before an initiation. I was put back to scratch one.

This 1st phase of transition had brought out many gone past stances back to my mind.

It was uncomfortable to feel how I had felt back during those times. I was steered back to when I was left on my own at 17; exactly 17 years back. I was then fast forwarded to my wedding time- when I had quit work, only to go back to job hunting in 15 days’ time. Each time, I was pushed back and farther from being an average alive human being.

I am passing through the stage 2 of my transition.

This is when the most of the changes take place. The primary changes which leave secondary effects too. Adapting happens now. All turbulences hit at this point. Just when you might have made yourself acquainted; the 3rd phase would arrive bringing in the tertiary changes. I am preparing myself for taking those in my stride, right from here. Like before, I will leave no room for any delusions. Needless to say; no man would now get any opportunity to carve me out of my setting.

Once again; I have started afresh with all my diligence resurrected. 

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Writing over..

There is a certain degree of sensuality involved in feeling tired because of work. It gives me a sense of involvement and fulfillment with an extra opportunity to shine my skills. Did you notice how I said “skills” and not “talent”?

Don’t these sound typical of a working woman?

  • Painting the nails while typing on key- board!
  • Cheating while showering; applying the soap instead of face- wash.
  • Shampooing hurriedly and yet trying to feel luxuriant.
  • Doing the house-hold chores in a rush (as if you were to miss your flight)

A familiar song on the radio is enough to make you go- grin!

Hogging the breakfast when mind maybe sending negative signals against eating so fast and so early; I am hoping will become a habit soon. Waking up early is so similar to that of feeling enslaved. It will reach its peak during the winters. Don’t even remind me please!

The honeymoon period.

That’s when the training department slogs and you sleep. There isn’t one at my current work place; however, those brain- storming sessions seem to be like a mindless poet going on reciting abstract poetry. I even got to “take note (s)” on those.

The Roleplay.

I have stepped into the shoes of an Assistant Editor. A work profile in my area of interest with someone who has been my idol since childhood and a setup that follows the IST (clock); is what I have ventured into. It would be yet another learning process for me. A new concept, industry and polishing the already acquired skill- set; all is thrilling me up.

I have stepped out of my home for work after over 3 years!

With my maid gone on a short- notice trip to her hometown; it almost feels how hectic it used to be. Only this time, I am squeezing out time for blogging too. She boarded the train on the same morning I had to leave for my 1st day of work. !$@^%*&^%^$#@! Once the next lot of content writing assignment is also picked up; I would be nose deep drowned in work. No doubt there’s a sense of purpose attached to what all I am involved with or how strangled I may be. How else could one survive otherwise?

I am a free bird

Just again! Locking up the house carefully, letting the walkman sing in my ears while enjoying the travel; I have started to frequent trip finally. It’s a little over than breaking the monotony; less than being on loose. I have worked hard to reach here. I now wish to enjoy the gain. Let me save the details part for some other time.

Now why do I feel again- I had seen this coming? 

~*~*~
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Leave Me alone

Dedication: This one is dedicated to all those incorrigible women who are “married respectfully” in the eye of society and take great honor in sharing the stinking details of their rotting relationship/wedlock! Listening to their stories, it feels as though I myself maybe the part of their fire- fighting. They make me forget that I am a single woman without a trace of any male around me; basking heavenly in one of the most irredeemable luxuries.

Really girls! I am tired of listening to your constant bickering about your relationship with your man. Let me remind you of the fact that this was your own choice made well against all the other suggested options and your parents (maybe his too) and the same society who you want to bitch about now. If you could stand against all, even after being so young then; you ought to have gotten conditioned by now. Just what regard do you have for your relationship anyway if all you do now is to crib about him; showing him down at the first opportunity available and yet, staying with him- under the same roof?

I have enough of mine to deal with.

I will live without you filling me in about how helplessly you have survived the torture. I will not vote for you; neither would I award you a medallion. I would have if you had rather walked out of that domestic slavery. Do I sound as an extremist? But so are you. You haven’t understood yet. Even after my telling you out aloud my mind; you want to go on ladling the molded cheese over fire; it is you who is stronger than the two of us. I believe; instead of the cheese, it’s my brain cells those are becoming nucleus less with every passing second.

Spare me of the horror.

Even Diana would have been embarrassed turning red on how fluently you pronounce expletives; leave alone their meanings. More seasoning than the salad ingredients spoils the taste and appetite both. Then again, I don’t wish to taste your salad either. Keep in mind that the moment you utter one of those; I label you as a dirty pile on. I guess those are the points I am earning for being associated with you.

I am not an Agony Aunt.

There’s a reason why I have chosen to be on my own. If incase you have missed the point completely (and so it seems); I do not want to be near any complication baked by men. Likewise, I do not wish to listen to things that you undergo in the name of being married; wanting to be a part of, for the rest of your life too. For crying out loud, he is your man, so bear him or not- for all I care.

I am a feminist.

Beware. Even before I point a finger towards men; I’ll blame you for putting up with so much nonsense. Isn’t that what you said it was?

Ditto about the stories of your kids too!

That’s yet another choice I have made- to not have one. I don’t want to know what’s up with their growing up either.

Didn’t you read the title yet?

If you say that this way I’ll be left out alone completely, so be it. I may have my own set of complications to deal with. I agree you maybe more than happy to gossip about those; I find it a complete waste of time. I guess I would utilize the hour to draw my plan of action or to analyze the situation to begin with. You think you can suggest? You can’t even empathize with me for what I have been through; save the sympathies, you need those more. By the way, how open are you to suggestions?

I am not available.

Indeed; being single = being available or so it seems. Just because I am alone, you guys have no consideration for my time and convenience. It’s about time you start showing some respect towards my lifestyle too. Traveling from where I stay costs me a big figure in the measure of time and finances; one of the reasons why I have cut down on my trips. I have graduated from travelling in public transport- be it any as well. Wait a sec, you never joined me when I had dropped in a word about my going out to shop.

Don’t interview me.

You want to know about my life till now for “catching up” with the past stances; go through my blog. It really hurts to walk down the memory lane, revisiting the same old haunted graveyards, while you keep dilating your pupils in horror. It sucks listening to the same mundane questions. Explaining my logic turns out to be equally frustrating. If you were the “understanding” types; you would have gone through my writes already. If knowing about my activity doesn’t interest you; why would I want to be “friends” with you to begin with?

Disappear already.

~*~*~

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A Parcel of Love from Jannie

Here I am sitting all stuffed up on my Computer chair- actually a dining chair pulled in to set with my desktop and writing this.

Today was indeed a day full of surprises. Just when I thought I’ll share the news; the reality struck me on my face. There isn’t anyone around me, present physically who would watch me getting this excited. But that’s the most beautiful part of it all!

It’s been an hour and a half and I am still crying.

Sniff! Wait! I am not upset. I am happy. I am too choked up with emotions to be able to take control over myself. So what if I couldn’t step out of the country for higher studies or works? Things indeed have their strange ways to find you around. Leave the foreign travel alone, I don’t even have a passport; one of the many repercussions of being parentless. Just when I decided to make my limitation of being stuck to home (alone) my biggest advantage and started to write; something very strange happened.

Virtual friendships!

When I say cyber relationships; I don’t mean a chat or two alone. I am referring to friendships or relationships that then go on as though no geographical limitations ever existed. I would cheers my cuppa over the chat or even take tips for cooking! With endless sessions of gossips over the chat; life suddenly seems to smile back at me- telling me to imitate the gesture. At other times, there may be emails asking me about my mundane life and them sharing tit- bits about their personal life. I strongly feel that these maybe the relationships those have already been settled against my Karmic chart. That there isn’t anything left for me to give to them. Instead, they are there to fill me up with the emotions that I once thought had estranged me.

Unconditional Love..

I wonder how benevolent they must feel while picking up some gifts, packing those carefully, with a casual hand- written note thrown in, reflecting upon their sheer joy in doing so; so that the packet survives the travel to India!

Who doesn’t love to receive gifts?

Surprises, gifts, hand written notes; I have a huge collection of those neatly displayed at my home. I have almost all of those gifts with me that I have collected over the years of time. Some of those are as old as collected by my mom when she was a kid! The more recent ones include a box sent by Blaga and that uncle I met during my train travel.

Just a few hours back, I received one from Jannie now.

Woohoo! Am I excited? That’s an understatement for sure. If I haven’t harped enough about how thankful I am to writing for re- inventing me; here’s yet another benediction of the same. It really doesn’t matter where (geographically) I am or how I may be (mental state of being); all that does is what they perceive of me through my written words. A few things that I scratched open with child- like enthusiasm made me see enough Love for me to last my lifetime or maybe even many more; considering the fact that this note would float in the cyber-space breaking all limitations of timelines.

I am humbly pleasured and thankful indeed to receive this packet with an organic soap, her 1st music CD, a packet of note- cards, name cards, a greeting with a hand written note. The contents are exactly how I used to while writing to ………… It used to be a sheer bliss in arranging for surprise birthday celebrations while at work.

All that is coming back to me now!

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Branching Out- II

There is a huge portion of our lives reflecting within the trees.

All of them are rooted (grounded); and yet, spread their branches all across the sky. Make a kid stand under a big tree; he would tell all you the same. He would barely be able to see the blue of the sky. The strangest fact is the flying beauties- birds make those trees their dwelling.

The complete concept is a paradox.

While the stem is often thick and coarse; the roots dig deeper into the chest of the earth to hold the tree firm. Those strands then pave way into the soil, through the pebbles and dirt and stand the tree as strong as it wants itself to get. The roots don’t mind getting dirty in the process. It would crawl though deads, fossils, rot, rocks and what not. Those creepy twiney things would gather enough strength for itself to keep springing downwards while secretly joining firm in a form of stem outside the ground and let the branches spread around again like roots but with leaves and flowers too.

How the same jiggly wiggly roots become strong branches swaying in the air!

It seems that the past (roots) stances gather enough courage (stem) to stand tall (tree) and spread out (branching) beautifully (leaves) and ornamentally (flowers), bear fruit (fruits) of their withstanding determination. What amazes me even more is the fact that the birds nest on the same branches. Leaving a few species of rock birds, almost all of them roost over the shaky branches; displaying their true aerial nature. Perhaps they too wish to remain grounded.

It’s these roots that hold secure the tree.

While the aerial branches maybe swaying with the wind; the roots hold the wooden growth firmly in its place. It tells us to stick to our basics, and then let go of ourselves accordingly!

You’ll never see a leaf or a plant grieving upon the weather. Instead it may have already adapted itself to it. No matter however harsh the sun may have been; the 1st sprinkles of rain drops would be enough to make them nod in joy. They will shine their greens to state the fact mentioned. They wouldn’t curl up in vendetta and not soak up the drops. Contrarily, it would soak up enough rain to last for some really harsh days to come. Look around, no matter how harsh the weather keeps; the moment it rains, the greens sway in joy. For the time that it keeps parched, they do not grow bitter and stand stiff against the dewy breeze. They shower themselves down in that rain- no matter how strong the fall may be or how light the drizzle may be. It changes its sway accordingly. Standing still and not stiff in heavy downpour and moving its branches while under a drizzle.

Perhaps they are the ones who enjoy all the seasons and have mastered the art of adaptation. No matter what weather falls, they keep their heads high up and away in joy whenever there is little rain.

  • No matter what, remain grounded.
  • It’s a good idea to sway with the wind.
  • Don’t crib if it’s sun or rain; adapt accordingly.

~*~*~

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Branching Out- I

When a storm strikes, only the trees which sway with the wind survive.

No matter how big and branched a tree may be. There are always certain pointers showing why those fell out of the rest. When it is said that one needs to go with the flow, this is what it points out at.

It would not hurt to be a little polite. Really, it will only pave way for future friendship or at least some cordiality. It is never “I” because notice carefully, this “I” stands alone and would always remain so. “WE” are two alphabets, “ALL” is three and “ALTOGETHER” makes ten; and so on it goes.

When you go for your round of Interviews at a new and unknown Company, you try to keep a smile while asking for directions. You also paste that smile while replying to the questions asked in your interview. You feel much better when the Interviewer himself or herself keeps up a smile while conversing with you. Is it somewhat relating now? You create a friendly welcome with that smile or with your display of lack of arrogance.

I now share a story that I had read in my Hindi language (vernacular) text book.

There was this huge and tall tree of Coral Jasmine. It would bear beautiful white and fragrant flowers through the autumn and winter season. It would never go quite harping about its beauty. The adjoining trees would keep telling that one to not to be so arrogant; however, it would pay no attention to such “preaching”. It was too proud of being capable of bearing flowers. The others in the row were not the flowering ones. As it was ordained to happen, no longer was the winter over, the tree had become completely naked. Devoid of any bloom or even many leaves, it was left stood bare taking the heat of sunlight on its slim branches. No passersby would ever stop under that one to take rest. It had hardly any foliage over itself to produce any shade. It is not known what happened to the attitude of that tree; given the fact that that is how this species of Jasmine blooms till date. There is yet another verse that means this:

So what if you are as big as a Palm, with no shade for the passersby, bearing fruits too far to be plucked.

The Palms are only good to look at. One can not stop by to relax under the tree. Neither can one stretch his or hand to pluck the fruit to satiate his or her hunger! It is a tree alright, but not really as humble as the other ones.

The old ones too do not.

The very phenomenon of the old and shallow trees falling off during strong winds or even otherwise, reflects upon the fact that we need to quit upon our redundant and obsolete practices. Or else, such shallow thinking would take us down when we may be going through our set of struggling period.

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In love again!

27th May, 2011

I am in love again!

It just feels so good. I haven’t been in love really. The only someone I have loved ever, is all locked up in me about. After HIM and maybe after a couple of decades; I feel I maybe in love again. He is selflessness, dependable and with incredibly handsome looks. I wouldn’t have to hold my hands out in breeze to pretend I may be flying. He could baggy pack me on his back and jump around over the woods. I wouldn’t need to be scared of any demon or bad omen or any evil eye anymore!

What’s more; I wouldn’t have to worry about my age or even death.

33 would be a very small integer then. My faculties would get developed further. My occult based instincts are already pretty strong for a normal human anyways. Now, just who doesn’t want to become immortal or even powerful- like being all paranormal?

Coming back after dying is already on my wish list.

Guess that would be an excellent opportunity to get what I want. I would be able to get distanced from being only a human. I would have all the time and reason to watch over lifecycles; I find the whole concept of universe, creation, evolution a huge mystery as it is. I would be able to draw notes and conclude a few more theories.

I consider men a very different species.

Men and romance don’t go hand in hand; so doesn’t love and wedlock. Try mixing all of these and you would be tangled for the rest of your life- both literally and mindly. There seems to exist one perfect solution though.

I don’t watch horror movies.

This would explain why it took so long for me to watch this one. I wasn’t sure if this was one of those underplayed horror movie. On Friday evening, I happen to watch both Twilight and New Moon back to back. Sigh!! The movie seemed like watching a romance novel. A strong willed man with roguish charm and a petite shy woman but always falling for non-men; or was it the other way around? I loved the movie for its surreal imagery. Sensuality was under- played and that’s what made this adult fairy tale even more intriguing. Both the beastly men gave more weightage to their women than proving their identities.

Light humor scenes

  • Edward (the vampire- ooooh!!) sucks Bella’s (a “naïve” girl) blood- to save her life- mind it. After which, the Vampire who had never slept in his last 109 years, falls asleep.. zzzzzz!
  • Edward watched over Bella whereby Jacob (a werewolf- c’mon, Bella; after loving a Vampire couldn’t turn to a human for love, not done) confesses his love for her out loud! What !$@%#@!
  •  Bella asks Edward to read Jacob’s mind so she could talk to him without any hesitation. All three of them were stood across each other. The vampire did oblige the girl. How obedient!
  • His set of teeth was missing! None of the Vampires had those dagger shaped side teeth that are oh-so “whatever” to look at.
  • Wait, which Vampire gets scared with pepper spray in his eyes? Totally kiddish!

I had kept on sighing loud throughout the two movies.

  • The Vampire apparently gets to taste his favorite blood sample in name of saving his beloved’s life.
  • He kisses her a many times (sigh) but never ever ever ever ever bite her- even by mistake. One helluva determined beast… errr.. Vampire.
  • When the Vampire disappear, a very handsome werewolf emerges.. (why did you have to send both of them at once..? Now who do I choose?)
  • “Just why don’t you kiss her already? Turn her into a vampire and live happily ever after! Are you a vampire or what?” I had kept screaming throughout the movie.

The wolf…… the less I say, the better it would be. Check him out on your own.

So, can I please order a Vampire? Wouldn’t mind what his age maybe as long as he can fly me over the woods! For the side order, make it a really fierce Werewolf. That way, both of them would be on their toes. As if my thoughts were read by cyberspace; the whole of FB page was filled with Twilight commercials. If that’s not all, I watched the two movies back to back again the very next day.. sigh!!!

Oh Vampire! I am in love again! SIGH….!$@$&^&^^#$#@

Given their ages, The “happily ever after” seems more plausible.

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Making a move

A few days from now, I’ll be stepping out of my homebound captivity!

I have been calling upon this for a very long time. Maybe since the very day I had left my last real job. Or maybe the day I realized that this arrangement is far from being called a relationship. I have been working from home for the past over 3 years now, without any take-home. It is more of an arrangement (read: another post) that I have decided to take no further.

Am I excited?

More than getting employed and in a “real” job; it’s the excitement of stepping out that is making me anxious. The role is going to be very different from my previous jobs. Like all the other big transitions, this one too is going to foray me into a newer opportunity.

I had given up- well almost.

I had that tiny bleak of hope still stretching itself out of nowhere. It was much like fooling my ownself and yet hoping for things to fall in place. Only, they fell apart- quite as much. I am not a foolhardy girl; just didn’t want to take any chances. Let’s say I was trying to play it safe. Yes, it was yet another gamble I had rolled my dice for. I have been & am still being as much cautious as I could be. I have taken more than one person’s share; much, when I am already saturated with my early experiences.

After all, it’s for my survival.

Priorities differ from one to the other, with the situation a person is thrown in. I don’t care for any relationship (to happen) and that’s an understatement. Reasons.. one too many to answer in one post! All I care is about my own existence- to be able to survive and with dignity; if I may. Food, shelter and clothing; comes much after I succeed to survive. Looking back at the last 17 years, I see that all I have been busy with is to survive alone and alone. Each time I tried to take it easy or get a little complacent; things have hit me hard on my face!

Relationships have only taken me down.

The present one; the one I keep referring to as an arrangement, is no different. My life has been an unending phase of struggle and my being in a relationship makes it worse. Each time I tried to give it a serious try; I took a hit on my dignity and my state of being too. Surprisingly, I get pushed out to roar single again- every time! It is this realization during my recent transition phase that had killed me. Once again, a man failed me!

It’s not the 1st time.

I mean the moving out thing. “Growing out of it” or “moving on”; it hurts me hard. It did this time too. Stepping out to work is not like going out for work here. It’s more like letting the phase die out. The bird comes back to the nest while learning to fly. So think of me how tough it would be fly away in the morning only to go back by evening.

So am I learning to fly?

Technically, yes. I am learning to leave the nest (read: enslaved comfort zone) and to flap my wings both at the same time. With a strong hope that eventually I might take off!! Bring down “Indifference” to a really basic level; that’s how it is right now. It’s a very small form of revolting. To step out, to go out to work again, to learn something totally new, to be able to see if I still have it in me; if I could be me again..

It’s a fight for my survival again.

~*~*~

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Men are indeed from Mars

Disclaimer: This post is a direct result of my experience with men.

There, I said it! They are anything but even remotely connected to the women species. I guess the Project UFO should end here. It’s them invading our planet. Why; isn’t Nature referred to as “Mother” Nature? So it is but possible that only women happened here. Just like bacteria did- on their own; capable of “multiplying” even further..

Any initiative you may ever take would soon become your foremost deliverable. Try and reminding him of the same and you would end up wondering if the baby boy had ever grown up. They would whimper, sulk, scream (yes that one too) till the woman would apologize for being rude! No matter how much you maybe slogging to keep up to his expectations. Never ever he would sit down to Thank You for your efforts; instead, he would blatantly blurt out- “oh, that’s how it ought to be” (!!@$#@#@^%*&^!!)

Then again- says who?

Try telling him a fact with a straight face. There; watch him over for the next couple of days making a mention of the same, even if you were to say sandwich. Nagging flows in their blood. It’s them who take to stalking both while making us believe that they may be the one and while we make them believe that he is just like anyone (else). They would go into the denial mode like the 1950s Hindi movie, whereby a woman would is shown as the poor one sobbing and crying over her man.

Incase you know; how many men have taken rejection/break off lightly?

If we gossip; they shout. Become rude and often abuse- not to ignore even violently and physically! If you compare their actions (often volatile) to our sessions of or words chosen to gossip in that would be like ants crawling in a straight line. No matter what, we come home at nights. We feel guilty if seeing someone out of our relationship and always feel the moral responsibility to tag along with him anywhere we go. While we may want to show “him” off to the entire world; they need space. That is; to go overboard in name of male bonding and drinks. All of a sudden our eyes no longer make them feel stoned.

We don’t space out- often. They make us move on!

If the man is the “provider” kinds; he would take a huge offence if the woman was to go out to work. That would be a direct attack as if saying- you aren’t giving me enough cash! The woman is expected to sit dolled up the entire day doing absolutely nothing and feel chirpy about the same endlessly for years. Mind you, he has his own priorities hence never available for her- even when she may be in dire need. His ego would be bruised if you express that you wish to work. It would be shattered into million pieces if you grab a job superior to that of his. There would be a time soon when he would want to know why at all you need to work! Even the most educated of the lot would be reduced to being a jerk harping that question.

That’s right; they would kill you if you try to tell them that that may not be a relationship.

It is them who need women so they feel they are a man. We have our monthly period to remind us of our state of being. After a certain age; they would need younger one to announce their virility. Kindly note that the reality maybe a far cry. When women do the same (for the reason mentioned), they are referred to as milfs, cougar and a few more terms those would be synonymous to being a sex worker.

Wait, isn’t he too lusting after us?

They say we are experts when it comes to argument; then why at all they start one? If they abuse; it’s how a man is, if we do, we are loose. They may be pressed under sorting priorities; we have none! If we wish to talk it out; it’s nagging. The best way to deal with anything is by sweeping its dust under the rug.

If you want your relationship to work out, never ever ever expect him to apologize. He won’t. He would rather make you do for having expected that out of him.

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Conclusion: Coming to an End

After watching the movie (2012), a lot of things have played up on my mind. Before I put across the things I have been pondering over; let me share a few facts already known to us.

  • Science has yet not been able to find an answer as to how the first life ever struck the “living” beings!
  • There were a species called Dinosaurs in certain age that walked the face of earth- now extinct.
  • There took place a major catastrophe (in the Dinosaur era) when the life was wiped off from the face of earth that we are a part of today or so the theory says.
  • All such facts have been put together by the archaeologists, researchers and other scientists.
  • The world’s coming to an end or so is being said. Something similar had happened even in the Dinosaur era.

There are a few more mystical beings those we talk about

Any fossil whenever found is majorly in its skeletal form. The skin/feather/wings/color is how we perceive of those fossils based on relevant study.

  • We still don’t know if the dinosaurs could actually speak!
  • How their (or others’) anatomy might have been actually (resulting in “abnormal” or unusual pattern of existence).
  • Perhaps we all lived in harmony (or in the lack of it) once. Maybe those were genetic “modifications” and not disorders.
  • Like they are to us; we could also be giants to them.

Look up at a flying bird from down under it. Doesn’t it resemble the fossilized archaeopteryx? If you look at them from the front; don’t their beady eyes appear mean? Instead of a bird, don’t they look like a mammal with wings? Maybe there were larger birds those were named as Dragons! Or better still certain flying lizards named as Dragons? Eitherways, most of us have seen (or conceived) things/shapes to have said so!

Like we are in the process of learning and re- discovering still; one day we might conclude that we indeed lived with those giant reptiles. Then again, how a bird and fish both have similar outer body structure; yet, classified completely under different categories? Maybe the birds were too pissed with the (human) behavior and stopped speaking hence and instead chose to fly away?

Why isn’t there a single creature that can speak, fly, float and get rooted at wish?

  • Perhaps the theory of evolution needs a revision.

Who knows; perhaps the Dinosaurs were as intelligent as human beings are. Maybe they too had abused the natural resources and had discovered all about that (global warming in our times) as we have and done nothing to prevent it!  That may have deteriorated things to such a level that the earth’s magnetic fields too may have been affected. If some major catastrophe was to really hit the world; wiping out every single form of life, how would the generation next ever know that we could speak and had built computers?

Although the movie had ended at a very positive note; if something really that big was to hit us, we won’t survive the impact. That is guaranteed!

Might isn’t always right.

If we don’t learn the lesson from Dinos right now; soon we would be extinct too. Our fragile bones would be long particulated even before someone else re- discovers those!

Then again, my friend Ruby asked me the other day- why the evolution has stopped at being human?

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Diet Riot!

While reading the different health and diet related articles online; I came to conclude a few facts. Blame it on my mind for developing thoughts around such deduced facts.

Conclusion 1

Cooking = Killing

That’s a positive approach for sure. Now go ahead and imitate a cow for the rest of your life, i.e., if you are a vegan (But not a dinosaur if you are not. Try picking the caveman instead. Reason- go to the next pointer).

Conclusion 2

The more the meat is cooked, the less grease will remain (hence getting closer to pure protein)

Don’t worry about the kill factor, you stabbed it already. Then again isn’t Cooking = Killing..?

Conclusion 3

Sprouts are very special. Sprouts are live food, comprising of essential and balanced nutrients for alive people, as life proceeds from life. Life and health go together.

  • Please note- it would do no good to people who are not alive.
  • Apparently, you really need to kill life to stay healthy.
  • Wait, aren’t plants a life- form already?
  • Miracle- New independent life form discovered (seed is the detached part of the plant)

Conclusion 4

Water = Zero Calories

I researched and there is indeed one Water Diet too! Incase you are wondering about an Air Diet; well, there is one indeed. The good news is; their names are exactly opposite to what the steps are to be on such diets. You may eat your daily dose of calories while following these diets.

Conclusion 5

There are no miracle diets. All of those are fads. The only rule to stay healthy is to eat everything in moderation. If it still doesn’t work, go out and play like you used to when young. Come back if you still don’t lose. Cut down on your alcohol as well. You didn’t booze when young- did you?

Then there are OCD Diet, Prism Diet, Scab Diet, Stop the Insanity Diet besides some sci- fi names such as – Ultimate Carb Phaser 1000, Ultimate Lean Routine, Ultra Carb, Ultra et Slim Pastilles, Ultra Lipo Lean, Usana. These are certainly not the names of drugs- Xenadrine, Xenadrine EFX, Xenaplus, Xenical(Orlistat), Youthin, Zotril (Zotrin), Zumba by Beto, Zymax.

Conclusion 6

Eating = Calories

I am not saying anything..

~*~*~

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Sleeping away to Glory

Some days are just plain lazy.

Sleeping through the major part of the waking hours becomes the order of such days. No matter how late you wake up; you would want to stretch yourself on the bed, at the first attempt available. All you would want then is to lie down and go past dead.

I would wake up and know instantly if one such day is about to impose itself on me.

It seems as if sleep calls upon me to rest upon my state of being. I can tell immediately upon opening my eyes if I would apparently fail to drag my day further without closing my peepers again. It wouldn’t make any difference how many teas I would have gulped down or for how long I may have ogled at the Computer. Then again, I master the art of falling asleep while sipping tea/coffee.. so that isn’t the problem really.

Staying on my own has certainly some stretched (or stretching) benefits.

I would wake up by 9am. After a hearty breakfast, few cuppas and some work, I’ll pass out by 12pm latest and keep tossing for the next 3- 4 hours. On lucky days, it would be for a couple of hours alone. I would keep waking up in between, switching off and on the a/c unit, checking my cellphone, toss and snooze. It’s different than those power naps of half hour. The surprising part is come night and I feel equally sleepy.

It feels really luxurious.

After all those years of night shifts and keeping awake; this is something I can live with forever. Not very many years back, I used to stay cranky because I couldn’t fall asleep. Not anymore! Infact, I am planning to go snooze time for a couple of days together. Actually, I could use a vacation sleeping away whole of my time and really not speak at all. A little watching television maybe. Or moving out to enjoy the serenes.. but sleeping for the majority of the time.

This was one such day!

What now? It’s past 12 (am) and I’m going dead.. (again) YAWWWNNNNNNNNN
zz.. zzzzzz.. zzzz.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

~*~*~

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Towards the end of a stale phase

I feel the transition phase is towards its end now.

I am all perched up anxiously to watch out for the changes that are to strike me. Each time I am in a transition; both my dwelling place and work place goes for a huge turn around. This time around, I have been able to save my home at least. Work is definitely changing. Although the present set- up is more or less the same (giving me a cushion of familiarity); it’s moving more towards the area of my interest and passion. Towards writing!

A few changes have already happened meanwhile.

I have swapped the couch with the box bed. I have spent some 3 good years resting my bottom on that couch while watching soaps n movies. Though not as big a change; I now act lazy, sprawling all over the low- height bed while watching the 2 daily soaps of half hour each at an interval of 1/1-2 hours between the two. My bedroom setting too has changed. I have pulled over the Computer table inside the bedroom. As of now it sits where my bed used to be. Once I get the long wire for USB connection; I would move it back to the other wall.

These small changes are pointing towards the end of this transition resulting in some major changes.

  • The Computer now lives in my room. I don’t go to the “office room” to work anymore or even for blogging.
  • My usual sitting n sleeping place has changed.
  • Work pattern too is changing now focusing more towards office/writing work instead of meeting clerical requirements.
  • My eating habits too have changed now. Fruits, sprouts n sugarless coffees rule my day. I have managed to bid adieu to a few inches; thanks to my changed lifestyle.
  • I am more restful within myself after having come to terms with the veracities around me. I had known about this since the beginning. It was a huge blow to have realized that the initial apprehensions are what I have actually lived in till now, since the very beginning and perhaps may even result in the failure that was calculated under risk.

I have begun to have a life at last.

Those socialization since last summer had started to spin it- didn’t realize it till I sat down to cry in the winters of 2010. I am trying to remain as cheerful as I used to be and am. That smile that had disappeared when I had turned into a recluse had started to set back on my face as a giggle since last one year; only now I have a company to join in with me in my laghterscapade.

lolss

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Freaking out on Friday

Ever since I brought my Computer table along with the system to my room; I am re- discovering newer things.

Things, those should have been a part of my life by now, as is others’. I am not complaining though. The roller coaster ride I‘ve been since long on; I am thankful enough to have reached a level where I can talk about it- instead of still being pulled by the engine!

For now, I am trying to appreciate all that I have.

I decided to clean up the files and papers stacked up in that Computer Table that I got made last year. I ended up making enough room for placing a few CDs. I didn’t own a DVD player till now; not up until the new system was installed in December of 2010. The VCD player that was a part of my Sales Incentive from Convergys, didn’t play very well. Quite obviously I didn’t fix it up with the television after I shifted to Gurgaon in December- 2007. That may be one of the reasons why I have only a handful of CDs with me.

While stacking those out in the shelf from their packing case from last 3 years; I saw one of my fave movies CD sat there. What then? I closed all the blog windows and switched on for some guilt free Me Time. The last time I watched this movie was when towards the end of my previous transition phase. I told you; there are too many things happening as a repeat making me feel nervous!

How freaky could it get?

Freaky Friday is one of those movies that keep me teary eyed from start till end with a big grin on my mouth. I hear their performance song and burst into goose bumps yet another time, the moment Anna in her mom’s body starts strumming her guitar. Needless to say, I (am) freaked out totally. How else could I have celebrated the Mother’s Day weekend? Even the power cuts didn’t bother me up until I finished watching both the CDs.

What’s more; today’s a Friday! Whoa! What are the odds again? 

Edit (2200hrs): It’s been storming since I finished watching that movie. 

~*~*~

Submitted for Theme Thursday

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Posted in My Biopic Log, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Now Bald n still Beautiful!

That’s right. After being goldy locks, I am now baldy looks.

I didn’t think I would have to write this post… initially at least!

It isn’t a big deal… or is it?

After contemplating to do this for close to a year; it was the last couple of months when I wanted to do it really bald… err.. bad I mean! I knew the comments and reactions would come flooding. I was more than prepared to hear those. So much so that I wondered if someone didn’t react!

I am beginning to grow tired of replying to “why”. I know that’s to understand the logic.. but is that illogical to begin with?

For several nights together; I talked to my face to let the moving strands stroll for a couple of nights more. I found it just so irritating to get my cheeks sweeped by those loose short strands while tossing in my sleep. I used a hand towel (maintained separately) to cover my head to keep the flying hairies away! It indeed is one helluva experience to toss around all over the bed without having to worry about tangling the hair or get some naughty ones to jump up my face. Needless to mention, disorder upsets me.

Summers make me feel as though being cooked inside a broiler. Spend 2 minutes in the kitchen and you become a dried and soggy cabbage. Just about yesterday, I cooked for close to an hour with all the 4 burners aflamed, stepping out without a single trickle of sweat. I noticed; my bald head was smiling big. So was I.

I can now shower up as many times as I want to with as many head washes thrown in. My tonsil glands get agitated if I were to wash my head everyday- even in summers. Thankfully, they have hibernated when the scissors called “snips” on my hair.

On a serious note: My hair was pretty light around my forehead. If tied back, they would behave as individual tufts. I was scared when I noticed the bald patches on my head. They have been ruling my hair since ever! The good news is, as I am watching my hair grow back, I don’t see any empty patches or lines. Fine strands have become healthier. They are soft and brown still; but that fineness (almost limp) has gone. I often joked about promoting conditioners. Even if my hair was to be washed in sea water using the harshest of the detergents; it would touch smooth and comb straight like silk thread. I could actually do with some curls and real tight ones at that.

The day I was to cut them; it seemed they were all ready in unison.

I didn’t need to detangle even though I had washed the hair the night before. I ran my fingers and they had traveled down without jerks. They not only had become bouncy after being treated with Olive Oil for two months; but had also grown long too. This act is again quite repetitive of my previous transitional phases. I have cut my hair short twice before this. Both of the times I was emerging out of a transition. I wouldn’t know if my soul yearns for a fresh crop every time! The co- incidence is bit too much to ignore. Why am I not surprised!

For everyone else chasing me with a “why”; I haven’t committed any murder.

For crying out loud, these are some dead protein tissues which ask for really expensive maintenance when eventually they will turn grey and fall out. If you know me; then it’s not because of my hair but because of who I am. If you say hair is a part of my personality; I say- here’s a part of my personality! C’mon, my clips n clutchers would be back in business- should I wish to grow them again (aren’t you pleased to know?) As of now, I don’t wish to! I already have a few hairdos lined up in my mind- complete with hair color n the works.

If it still doesn’t make any sense; then blame it on my mother.

Ever since she’s left me; I have been acting as per her wishes. I had definitely wanted to sashay around in long hair; but now have lost all the charm. Reasons- one too many. It’s been over 3 years now that I am locked up at my house, absolutely no place to flaunt my hair or looks at. Let’s say I have moved on. The blog friends I have today are because of what I write (however crappy it maybe); and not because of my doll like blonde hair. My real life friends who know me up close would anyways be able to relate to it.

There’s absolutely no reason why I did it! I wanted to; I have.

I am anyways a free- spirited woman. Completely liberated- this is only the outer aspect that’s showing.

  • We weren’t born with long hair.
  • There’s a reason why tonsuring is practiced.
  • If nails are a dead tissue, so is hair.
  • Ain’t the woolly mammoth extinct?

If I could survive on my own since my teens all by myself; I would survive with a bald head too. Really! Why can’t someone go and ask my estranged dad a “why”? The same bunch of people who wanted to make peace with whatever dad has done to me and my mom, are the ones who are screaming why!

Look around- bald is beautiful and so am I. The amount I’ll save upon the healthy upkeep of these strands, will be a waste anyway; I’ll do some charity instead. The time it takes to comb and shine and blah.. is just not worth! I do have many and better things to keep myself occupied with. Let me make room for my hobbies and passion.

Wait, WHY do I have to have or give a reason for everything? Can’t something be spontaneous?

WHY NOT?

It’s only a few tufts of hair that I pulled off my own head. I haven’t sucked the life out of anyone’s heart. No one ever wanted to know how I survived each time I was thrown out of my home. How come some keratin mammalian cognition become so important over than being a human?

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  • Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.
Posted in Humor, My Biopic Log, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Taking a Bald Step

  • The water will flow down your body keeping in contact with the skin surface right from the first point when it hits your head..
  • Your head would feel airy..
  • You will save on shampoo expense!

Some of the “intense imageries” my domestic maid has painted around what I have decided to do finally! What she doesn’t understand is there is much more than those silly parameters by which she leads her life currently.

  • I am a rebel and also a protagonist.
  • Moreso, I’ll do exactly that which is considered taboo!
  • You may call me unconventional.

My version:

  • I am a rebel.
  • I take pride in doing exactly what is considered taboo!
  • I am unconventional.
  • I tend to do things that would make the eye- balls pop out; if not the wits!
  • I love the attention
  • I love to experiment.
  • I want to try everything once- oh yessss! If I like it; I will make it my signature style. Go ahead, run your imagination wild now!
  • I wish to break all that which restricts a woman.
  • My mom was a daring do herself. Blame it on her for polluting my mind with her sermons.

If you are reading this; then I have done it already.

Plus points:

  • Ever- ready to step out without really bothering about styling.
  • I now wear a contemporary style all the time.
  • No bad hair days!
  • I can head shower as many times as I would want to in a single day without worrying about infecting/enlarging my tonsil glands.

This one’s to you Dear Mom!

This is one of the steps taken towards breaking free from all possible tangible n intangible attachments!

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Submitted for Magpie Tales

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  • Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

Posted in Humor, My Biopic Log, My mind, Our Society | 44 Comments

Time stops now!

Whoever said that time cannot be captivated?

You certainly can capture a moment. Along with it- a vignette, a chronicle or a narrative to describe the “caught” moment-o. You capture a moment within words in mind, defined by brush- strokes in a painting, or clicked by lenses in snap- shots. The joy of that instant, the intensity of the hurt in displayed emotions or the very essence of that split- second moment; gets arrested in a sheet, memories or even cyber- media! Like the event itself, the framed moment too lives forever.

It’s a spark that spreads the fire!

So instead of a split second time; also a series of events that must have happened at a different or previous or even later time, gets encaged. The photo- albums aren’t plastic pockets with colored photo paper only; it’s the emotions captured alongwith an account of that occasion. Paintings are much more than some colors done bleeding on paper. Those are the feelings captured by the bristles of the brush and the tale then follows; often, a legend is born.

Words say the most.

The precedence, the relevance and the subject matter- all explicitly. Like a detailed engraved pillar with vines, the substance get etched against the pillar of time- with many associated tales springing around it! An introduction, preface, and even an edit section grace the real body of the matter. Millions of seconds get seized within a few hundred words. A simple word like “Universe” says it all! No metaphors needed to give the explicit.

An entire generation and beyond is lived in those captured words!

Likewise, it bounds uncountable emotions in a painting. An individual, his life, his success or the lack of it gets framed in his portrait. No matter how successful he might have not been in his life; a legend is born anyways. Millions of stars can be seen twinkling across on a clear night sky. The stars captured in photos twinkle each time those are viewed; bringing back floods of memories and emotions estranged and buried. A small bit of life is then lead while viewing a photo; a life that you might have led then or a life you could not lead ever! Some minutes of present day time gets stolen while you sit starry eyed thinking of the possibilities those could have been. While losing yourself viewing the snap- shot; you lead a life that you could not- anyway; so what if only within minds!

The paper does not remain life-less any longer.

Like how snap- shots are shown in Harry Potter movies; those also tend to breathe and move! It isn’t magic but a different dimension altogether. Like some demi-god ourselves, we tend to “create” dimensions and in those we decide who to put in! This isn’t the only life we live. We live our lives in others’ minds within their memories. We lead a life that we may not be aware of in someone else’s imaginations or yearnings. We become lively again- each time our photos are viewed or we are talked about or something about us is read somewhere across the globe. Similarly, cyber- space could also be a “live” culture to hold and inbreed the souls around in it!

A souvenir by Time.

While writing “love- letters” (that’s what those are called- ain’t those?); I would say that those words actually make me see him even though he may not be around physically- certainly not on a piece of paper. Yet I felt him talking to me whenever I read those letters. Read this as remote Past Tense- I write only on my blog now! At times; a gift or a memento, too revives our memories. The series of leading a stolen life in a stolen moment begins again. That would happen each time you would see those. Or is it the time that decides those mementos to show up?

And we say- time never stops!

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  • Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.


Posted in My mind, My Observation | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

Green with Envy!

This cute looking fat- sole was sat stuck to my Curry Plant in winters of 2010. Poor small little wonder’s pics have been sitting for all this while without my putting them up- since 20th November, 2010 to be precise. Charged guilty.. 🙄

I’ve decided to finally publicize the cute little green boy’s folio publicly today. I have a small story to compliment as well. I hope he doesn’t feel offended however! No intentions atleast. I hope he would understand. If at all, I am giving him a cover story to compliment. The story was told by my mom.

This is about a man who was highly paranoid about not talking while dining. No one was allowed to open their mouths except for placing their morsels inside of it. As it happened one day; the young boy of that man had wanted to say something no sooner they were sat for dining. You guessed it- he wasn’t allowed to speak.

For the next 20 minutes the boy had desperately wanted to speak and his father had gestured him to be quiet. The young one had even wanted to take the salad tray away. He had earned big eye ball stares in return. Father had then placed a big green piece of cucumber in his mouth and the boy wanted him to not eat that- or so it seemed by his actions. The boy was scolded, yelled at and sent away to his room.

After everyone else had had their food; father decided to check on the boy. He was summoned back to the dining table and asked about what was so important than to eat his food and quietly. The young boy was beyond being irritated! He was starving for crying out loud. He had begun eating without even looking up at anyone lest he was sent to his room again. The salad tray was empty as though to punish him.

After finishing his dinner; he had spoken up rather calmly.

“Dad! There was this big fat green little thing crawling on that cucumber you ate. I wanted you all to take note of that, but if only if you had let me speak. I had tried to warn you when you had popped it in your mouth but you had instead chosen to dismiss me. But now I guess it wasn’t really worth my attention, since you ate it anyway!!”

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Posted in Humor, My Biopic Log | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments