I am my mom’s shadow, carved out of the same skin.
Often, I have faced similar situations that my mom had too, in her times. I would write a detailed one once I am done making changes to this pattern. I would love to write about it as a History instead of an on-going stance.
For the past few days now, I am concentrating to change My Destiny again..
There’s so much of uncanny resemblance between her stances and mine, that I had almost believed that I have only 10 more years to live (or die..!!) Excepting; that I wish to live for much longer time. I have so many unfinished businesses yet. Don’t misjudge this as my wanting to achieve immortality. Not that I don’t want to- but that’s a different story altogether.
I am wanting to emerge as a Destined Winner.
Mom had died a helpless death – I don’t wish to. Although I had kept believing that I may also be gone by the time I reach the age she was gone; I don’t anymore. This time around, I am wanting to Live. I am consciously trying to control my Thoughts. I no longer want to believe that I would have to go through what she had gone through. In many earlier stances, I had slogged myself to break the pattern. I had as if fore-seen many a things coming to get me. Eerily similar stances..!! I had often told mom that I would have dealt with those differently.. I am glad that I really did when the same things hit me off guard; not once, but pretty many times.
I am trying to change my outlook now-a-days.
I don’t feel anymore that I would be given to handle situations like that my mom’s had been. The two of us are very different in our basic attitude and perception. A fact discovered by the lady herself and then established when each of those stances were dealt with differently. It was she who had pointed out that perhaps, I could control My Destiny!! She had been so different in her approach that I had huge difficulty defending her actions at times. It still may seem to some here that she may have been highly insentive; wherein, had she been so, I won’t have survived. That’s not a figure of speech but quite literally!
On a lighter note, my Mom wrote diaries!
I do have a couple of them sitting in my Book shelf still- having lost the major chunk. I don’t write diaries, I blog! My mom had not let me write when she observed I made my own notes. LOLsss all those words that I had written once are on my Blog already. Don’t be surprised, I remember all stances as they happened- the sequence, content and even the continuity. I am now in the process of giving My Writes a proper shape of a Book (or maybe Books.. 🙂 ) I wish to write all about that had walked over me and about all that I had to walk upon knowingly.
Who in her sane senses would want to and write about all the atrocities she was made to undergo- with explicit details?
My friends are somewhat curious about my wanting to do this. Then again, you are still reading this- aren’t you? Likewise, how come things I have survived could be crap alone? Even if that maybe; I am wanting everybody to smell the stink.
I now wish to achieve all that Mom had wanted me to.
She often day dreamt like crazy. It seemed she was being un- realistic. After she’s gone, those desires have become as if my passion. I guess, she was only trying to show me My Destiny. So far, I have been able to live the way she had wanted me to. Socially, financially or even otherwise!!
It’s time, I now lift myself up from being strung to the obsolete.
Whatever things had hit her are gone with her. Anytime that they have tried to hit me- they have been hit adversely. That’s a sign strong enough that My Destiny is not what I have been pessimistically worrying about. It’s about creating one. It’s all about changing it, to my liking. It’s also about making every one notice while I am at it.
It’s about achieving, attaining and accomplishing. Exactly As I Am.
Here’s the Part- II Claiming My Destiny of the same post.
31st December, 1998
Shifting to Madangir was to change my Life- pattern in more than one ways.
Hemant would often call me up on office telephone to greet and exchange formal pleasantries. I realized that I liked his voice. Oh yes.. I still fall for the voice, before stepping into any further involvement and ending up weaving yet another ironical experience 😀 We would discuss philosophies, Freud and such mindly matters. I found him to be a nice guy since he never insisted on seeing me!! Neither did he ever ask me my stats @$#@@# (a sure sign of a Loser), or what I maybe wearing!!
Isn’t this a co- incidence that I have started writing about Hemant exactly on his birthday? Today happens to be his birthday.
Do I still feel for him?
We would usually talk about our Lives, thoughts and observations. Anytime I would tell him that we should meet, I would sense some discomfort in his tone.
One day, I just thought of being a little more assertive. I had dropped – “I wish to see you”, yet again. There, he had stiffened as if smelled by a snake. He had kept dissuading me that maybe I would not approve of his looks. Alright- maybe.. And that, he would also not be comfortable to talk when sitting face to face. Say- what again? I had told him my mind that I hate to talk to faceless strangers..
Hemant had reacted very uncomfortably upon my words. He had wanted to talk to me before we decided to meet. He had called up after a few minutes. His voice sounded different. Was he calling from a different phone? Yes, from a public booth. Why was he so tensed..? He had wanted to “share” something about himself!! Very well then, I was all ears..
“I can’t see the world with the right side of my face..” Hemant said so- in verbatim.
My response- “It wouldn’t have mattered even if you were to tell me that you were an impotent!!. Now slam that Public phone and call me from your office.. Go, now”
All he said that I knew how to handle people well. Only I couldn’t handle his people.. Nevermind that.
Honestly speaking of, that fact never had bothered me- ever. Barring his statement of admission here, I had never noticed which eye of his was impaired. I had only wanted to connect with him as a guy that he was. I had liked what he talked and that’s all that had mattered to me. That said; to Me, “looks” is damn important. One should be cleverly presentable.
I had made no special efforts to dress- up to see him. I had gotten down at Dilli Haat on my way back home. I traveled by Public Transport then. I had worn my black front- slit long skirt, with red n black jacket top. Both knitted. The top was my mom’s fave (I still have that with me; I don’t wear it anymore. It doesn’t fit me!) The overall look was formal. I hate getting dressed up casually- anyways. The expression on his face seemed that he liked what he saw in me. I was definitely looking forward to enjoy my evening with him. He looked nice- tall, fair and very good looking. Wore glasses- all the more better!!
We had moved around inside the Dilli Haat compound till it was late. He smoked- ouchh!! But then, that wasn’t any of my business really. Till then- atleast. He had kept shying- not because of the gender difference, but because of his “right-side issue”. I had almost freaked out inwards. There was an instant chemistry. It was as if we knew each other since long. It didn’t seem that we had met for the 1st time, that evening. We had hit it off like a glacier on icy chilled water. Smooth and captivating. There wasn’t any awkwardness because of our belonging to opposite gender. Dilli Haat, with its handicraft stalls and bricks ground to walk upon, had added up to the magic.
I felt so natural to be moving around with him!! It was as lovely as it could be. I had liked that place a lot. It seemed that I walked down in a local village market- “Haat” was very suitably titled. The different handicrafts and arts-men around, had so much reminded me of how I enjoyed during my College- Life. We used to go to Crafts Museum to sit around and sketch. I had totally loved that part of my Textile Designing course.
“We would shop from this place- to do up our home, once we are married..” I had declared. He was both surprised and shocked. I wasn’t. That 1st few hours had told me that we were to get married- no matter what. He had dismissed my explanation taking it to be a light minded joke. I had not. I was more than certain that we were so meant to be.
He had almost dragged me out of that place when I had wanted to go over to his house!!
Relax. Dear Readers, it wasn’t for a night or a “sleep”. That wasn’t on my mind- neither was on his. I was calling for my Destiny- real hard.
Hemant stayed in Saket. He didn’t own a ride; for his parents were skeptical about the fact that what if he hit himself and losses his only eye- whatever..!! I had also told him how I was being pressed to shift to South Delhi. He had definitely warned me against listening to my boss. A warning that has proven itself to be very right. Not once, but a few times over actually.
Upon reaching home late at night, I had gone over to Anjum and Ranu’s place. Their landlady had arranged a New Year celebration Party! It was a cozy affair of young girls- their tenants and members of the family. I too was invited. Sweet of them to have done that. I had enjoyed no end. A lovely evening and a beautiful night following that- what else one could ask for? Meeting Hemant wasn’t like meeting a guy and feeling shy about that. It was like meeting someone who was more like a companion, a friend for life… ummm- soulmate?
I had made him promise that he would help me after I shift over to South Delhi with unpacking my things. Innocently, he had agreed upon. He didn’t know that that may spring up an affair between us. Neither was I to know that apparently, I may fall for him. I wasn’t worrying about my future. He was the last thing on my mind for me to be thinking of my future with. I was only wanting to enjoy the blissful friendship that had struck – accidentally.
Or was it Destined..?
November 1998 through March 1999
I wasn’t really aware of the fact that I traveled to South Delhi- Malviya Nagar to work everyday. My boss Roopak had been pressing me that I shift to that part of the city soon. I had shifted only in August that year to Vijay Nagar. Shifting again in November, was the last thing I had wanted. Even shifting to Vijay Nagar was not a simple transition..
Roopak wasn’t a very communicative guy. Although he was a young guy, he seemed to be very distant. Something wasn’t right. I could never be comfortable working with him. He would fret about things that had happened to him a year back and keep occupied. I wasn’t expecting any great friendship in him; but wasn’t comfortable listening to his “I should get married soon” either. I had labelled him double standards soon enough- of course- he had not known of that.
He was ignorant of pretty many other things. Something seemed very restrained in him. He wasn’t very cordial with his youngest brother. They had lost their mother in some accident whereby she was drowned and Roopak didn’t know swimming. Rajat was hit and was floated away. He had remained absconding- he had lost his memory for couple of years..!! Both of them held each other responsible for their losses.
Who knows they still maybe.. But my “double standards” slogan was proven right after 12 years; i.e., just a couple of days back from today (read: another post)
I had worked with that Company for 4 months altogether; maybe 5! So much so for my having gotten involved in that affair with Rajat!! To “utilize” my creativity, Mr. Saxena of PortaCabin Engineers had piled me up with heaps of wooden boards. I was to construct a Doll House that they had failed to!! Like a fool, I had slogged to make that Doll- House while working in a office. It was no less than the job of a carpenter..!! As Roopak claimed a few days back; it was his idea to use the picture of that Doll- House at the back of the Company brochure to reflect upon future possibilities with pre- fabricated structures.. Like- whatever!!
Hemant used to report to the Chanakya Puri office. He had seen me once when I had gone for my round of Interview with Saxena. I had no remembrance of having seen him. Virmani had started coming to MN office to teach me Accounts. That is when I had started talking to Hemant over the telephone.
Not knowing of anything better; I had called up at Himanshu’s place- one day. He had answered the phone himself. He was pursuing some course from NIIT then. He had promised to meet me the next day. A promise that was brutally broken.. I had worn a lemon yellow flowing suit with white lacy stole and gone to CP NIIT center. Well, not even his ghost was around- much less him!
The next day, he had asked me not to call him up anymore. I had obeyed. Till 2005. Only to be blatant reminded of him failing me time and again..
Aunindyo had decided to marry the dame his parents wanted him to. I had ignored his being fond of me. To me, settling down was more like getting stuck. I had barely stepped out of a deadly relationship only a couple of months back! He didn’t seem very happy with his wife. She was a village- woman- not to his liking. He had shamelessly declared that “a woman ought to be like Olivia alone..” I hadn’t call him up thereafter.
I do miss him. He had been a nice one to me. Knowing him was like living in a teenage fairy-tale mushy romance. Purely platonic.
R had agreed to get a place for me in South Delhi. He had sent me to his friend’s place in Pushp Vihar. A nice young couple, the lady had made me speak with another lady who was supposedly the link to my “would be landlord”. Wearing my front slit long skirt and a net green and black top, I had gone to meet them directly over to Madangir!!
The “token money” was over and above the rent and security!! Couple of hundreds meant the whole month’s grocery.. I had decided to shift sometime in January. My Land lady at Vijay Nagar was heartbroken. One, she knew no one would have accepted that place so readily.. Two, she was amazed at how no guys ever came to my place or even around!!
I met Hemant on 31st December, 1998. I had traveled to Dilli Haat and met that fair complexioned, 5’8″ tall, good looking guy. He seemed to be a decent one. We had moved around inside the fair Ground, till it was pretty late. I had worn my long- skirt. You see, I wore them since ages. It really isn’t an edition.
Ranu and Anjum’s landlady had hosted a party on New Year eve. It wasn’t really bad. I had danced till early morning after cake and food. Actually, all of us had freaked out!! I had become so involved with the two sweet young girls, I had started spending my evenings with them.
A couple of meeting over with Kamal, I had stopped going out with him. A pizza I had carried home one day. How I had not shared that with anyone. I couldn’t share such a gift with my friends. They had not known how I had earned it. I could have camouflaged it by calling it an affair.. I haven’t; I won’t. It wasn’t that. It really was only a deal to me. I had kept it at that..!!
The cycle, people and the events have knocked at my Destiny over the period of next few years to come. One of those had hit me a week back!! Only, I am too analytical now. I don’t let the situation happen to me unless I want those to; much less getting affected or even hurt.
Divali and Durga Puja were spent like any other day. None of my friends had come to my place to meet me. I was becoming aware of my lone existence fast. I was coming to terms with my own identity of an orphan and also as an illegal child. I wasn’t a child anymore. At 20, I had become a woman. A bitter, sore and a very critical one at that.
I was becoming more detached. Not wanting to mingle with anyone. What for anyways? People or Friends only sympathized and walked away- leaving a more tormented me!! Visiting the memories seemed a bitter task!! Not anymore. Perhaps, this is one of the many reasons why I write. Let me face as many cruelties as I have suffered- one more time. Let me live those atrocities as many times My Writes are read. Let me test, if I have succeeded in becoming Indifferent.
My stay in that Madangir house was no exception to my “happening” life. The 70 year man would keep barging into my room every night and talk crap. Since I was a “young” girl; I had needed some “security” and hence; that hag had posted her redundant husband upstairs at my floor. This was exactly the opposite of what was agreed upon.
I could not forgive Roopak for making me step into that mess. R was also crossed out. If I had no troubles traveling from MN to Vijay Nagar in winters, what was anybody else’e problem? Why didn’t Roopak offer me to stay with him instead? He had nice place to himself- was looking for a match too. Oh, and he was damn interested in getting me married as well..!!
Men and the whole community of those – suck.. It was Roopak who had made me leave that job. Why the hell had he made me shift from Vijay Nagar at all? Maybe I wasn’t that good in my work- shouldn’t he have assessed that before making me land into a messier pothole? I hold no hatred towards him anymore. I say this after my 2nd encounter with him after 12 years!!
The man has not changed a bit- not that that’s any of my business. Perhaps he excels in creating turbulence in others’ lives. Not really maybe his fault; but then, whose fault that may be then? At times, if you let go off your inhibitions; Life treats you dearly showering surprises that you may have never expected!!
A short stint at a MN office, my shifting over and Hemant. Right, him too- a lot of things had started happening to me. The instances had hit me as if I was stuck into a bewildering jungle; where it rained all time.
Maybe, that’s why the last 2 years have been deadly silent- wanting to balance..!!
This monsoon, it had rained real crazy..!! This was after maybe a decade or so. It was one of those heavily pouring mornings that a pigeon had crashed bang on to the verandah glass door and fallen down. The poor bird had tried flying again, but had crashed once again!!
It was either unable to see or was too bewildered. By the time I could rush to open the veranda glass door to get her inside, she had crashed herself twice. She had walked baby claws near the window sill where I keep my sengoniums and cozied itself near the small pots. I had managed to open the door without alarming her. I was almost about to pick her up when the newspaper that I use to tuck between the gap of the aluminium door and frame, had flown down. Even before I could hold that one sheet and stop the rest of the paper from falling, she had panicked severly and flapped across the open sky, opposite to my house in that downpour. Even though there were a few of those soaking on the top tiles of the adjoining buildings; perhaps some were sat on my building roof- top too, this one looked drenched.
Her feathers were clung to her body. Her claws could barely pull her weight around. She may have been visually impaired- a bird with one or both of her eyes scratched. Either they do it themselves while scratching themselves; or when the other amongst the group may choose to beak her for no apparent reason!! Often these are not so pretty to look at.. not because of the eyes, but even otherwise. It seems, they are at the longer side of their ages.
Needless to mention, I had closed the glass door with a heavy heart..!!
Although it’s been several months since, I have barely been able to keep my mind off that incident. Yet another day, a similar bird was perched on a different window. It had squeezed itself so tight against the glass, that it was only a little bigger than a sparrow is. I couldn’t do anything since that window glass is the fixed type. There’s no way to open it up.
Monsoons are over. It’s Fall. Almost winters.. Today being Maha- Ashthami, there wasn’t any plusible reasons why I had woken up thinking about all that I have mentioned above. As if almost guided by my thoughts, I had gone to the kitchen veranda the 1st thing after leaving my bed. Usually, I rush to wash and change. On weekends, I lounge around before it’s time for Ben 10 at 10, rushing me to change, floss and prepare a cup of coffee.
There- a pigeon was indeed sitting at the corner of the veranda floor. By the look it seemed, it had kept its head really down. The others had flown away noticing me around. Obviously, what else were they supposed to do? I had cautiously approached the bird that was sat as if punished or was declared an outcast. I touched the thing; it was breathing!
Saying all my prayers, I had picked it up. It’s left eye was completely sticking out of its socket.
The poor thing had not resisted even a bit when I had caught her. I had set her free immediately, it would not go. Instead, it had kept walking towards my feet. It would lay itself helplessly on my soles and breathe heavy.
I had then picked her up again. I had cleaned her wounds, whatever was possible without hurting her. Wrapping it in the newspaper to dry her feathers, I had warmed up some milk. Cooling the milk to make it lukewarm, I had fed her like one would do to an ignorant and oblivious baby. Some time later, I had fed her some green pulse, seed by seed, by placing each of them between her beaks. She had swallowed them all. I had then placed her at that corner, so no other birdie is able to peck her- even if wanting to.
So was it calling me when I had just woken up? Was she talking to me in my mind? Was she calling me for help, since I had wanted to help a wet one the other day? Or because I have helped a few of those earlier too? Did she know me- as a bird or even as someone who may have interacted with me when she was in some other Life- form?
Our ancient texts, like Puranas, often make mention that great- learned men and women are often made to serve their Destiny by being born as Birds. As a severity to balance their mistake, that they may have committed while in their God-like form, they are cursed to live a life of a bird. I don’t know which one was this! I am not an Enlighetened one as yet; so couldn’t really guess.
Then again, did she owe me anything..?
Whatever the reason may be, I have tried helping her with whatever was possible within my bounds. I had tried finding out about the Birds Hospital in Gurgaon. I could not! All I can pray is that she survives. That she lives. Because if she does, with all the wounds and scratches; she will emerge as a fighter. She would then become invincible- almost!!
Infact, she kept reminding me of how I had fought against all the odds. Not only was I wounded, but also outcast and thrown out of my house, my community- not once but several times. Sometimes- literally; other times from others’ social spaces, inturn, chopping off my Existence. Dear Birdie, if I could exist, so can you. No matter who you are or whatever your past deeds may have been, you are soon going to be liberated. Whether you live or otherwise, you have served your Destiny as being a voiceless muted life- form. I have only tried helping you meet your Destiny.
Throughout the day, I had been restless thinking about your survival. As I write this and about Puranas, I feel somewhat restful. Maybe, this is how it was meant to be. I’ll be sad and would remember you all My Life; yet, I’ll pray for you whichever way you continue to live. Maybe, I am being selfish by wanting you to live. Perhaps, you should leave this helpless form and hit your salvation. Maybe this is how it is intended to be!!
Even if you may have affected me sometime; I don’t remember how you may have..
I won’t find any answers unless I learn Occult sciences. This is where they say that “to forgive is Divine..”
Why am I crying now? Is she gone? Has she left her muted and wounded bodily cage? I don’t wish to go weak finding that out now. I’ll see that in the morning. If she lives, she maybe only a birdie.. Otherwise, she was someone who was fated to serve her Destiny in a very mundane and struggling manner.
Either way, she’ll always live in my heart. Bless you Birdie.. xox
My Life had as if hit a dead point in June- 2008. I had spent 4 complete months locked up inside a room in a Guest House. It was during my stay there in Sushant Lok that I had picked up a few habits.
Some habits that have become an nondetachable part of my survival now..
I was confined to a single room for 4 months. I had no one visiting me. One of my school friends stayed very nearby; it seemed- she always kept busy. I had once stepped out to meet Sophie on her insistence. I know- I had been such a pain to them by keeping to myself! I had nothing better to do- excepting to stay sit and brood.
All I did the whole of my days, was to sit and brood. About everything!! Of My Travel From childhood till then. Since I wasn’t really hooked up to watch Television, I would be bored to death.
Reluctantly, I had started watching “Colors”- that was the newest addition to the existing TV Channels. I would watch “Tom n Jerry” and “Ben 10” like they were my Life- Cord!! I have become so versed with each of the “Tom n Jerry” episodes, that I can almost voice over the sounds 🙂 How I had wanted to watch Cartoon Network the whole day when I was in my High School..!
“Balika Vadhu” still remains my favorite watch. That prankish old lady “Dadisa” reminded me of my interaction with that “Lady P“. I become so defensive when someone tries to mock jokingly upon my watching Cartoons or even this serial! I had always loved watching cartoons. As matter of fact, I owe my diction and learning English language, to “Cartoon Network” alone. Back then, when I studied in school, the cable operators ran that channel in between the movie switches.
It was exactly at this time that I had wanted to write. All about myself, my mind and my conclusions upon Retrospection. It was a Herculean task to keep my faith up. I would cry for hours at a stretch, wondering about the conclusion of that phase. Today, as I go back in time and try to assess myself; I realize that I was way too strong back then. I wasn’t being as vulnerable as I had thought myself to be.
How else do you think I am talking about it without getting affected?
It was during this period that I had clicked that snap- shot!! Some snap shot it turned out to be!! No self- praise 🙂 Just check my Gravatar. I bet no one can guess what all was tearing my mind cells. How a picture that was captured while staying there, has now become my signature Identity!! It’s the same snap that’s on my Blog Template.
One other thing that had germinated during this period was my intention to Lose. I had put on weight like a stuffed up Bolster. What else would happen if one was to sit still inside a room doing absolutely nothing? As my Quality Manager- Swati, always suggested to adopt a Holistic View about things; likewise, “Losing” was more than to lose weight alone. It was to become free, to evolve, to elevate my state of being!!
By writing about all that had lived with me making me more like them instead of letting Me be; I am now in a process of shedding all the remembrances. I am only wanting to be Me. No extra weight of any relationship, expectations thereof resulting in more confusions and disappointments!
I strongly feel that My Day of Celebrating- My state of being is nearing me. I have been wanting it to happen for long now. Often my superiors stated that I am impatient- I am only focussed. I am only trying to achieve what is meant to be My Real State of Being. I achieve what I desire of- to say so; I follow my instincts. It’s my Instincts again, pointing out to a certain celebrated standard of level. I have doused myself working towards attaining that state so passionately, that it has now become my Life- Line.
To lose weight is mass and measurement is also one of the things 😀 How else would I groom myself? LOLsss
My close friends would stamp it. I marvel at planning strategically to achieve what I so wish to. I just hate to wait. When I want it, I just get it. I build up that momentum in my Desires and thoughts that the Final Post hits me automatically. I have done that so many times, I am all charged up to make that happen yet again. This time round, everyone would stand with me to celebrate the event.
The celebration of discovering the Real Me, My Real Life- the way it should be- the way- As I Am.
It’s been a month and a few days that I have been riding high on top of my Exercising Bike. It seems that I have lost a few inches 😀 Maybe another fortnight would slip me into my dresses again. Another month or two (okay, make that 3), I shall be back to where I was 7 years back or may be even 9 years back!
I had worked out my bulges off pretty hard, preparing for my wedding. Hold On- don’t jump on to congratulate me yet- that relationship exists no- more and was ugly, till it had lasted.
I had managed to maintain my toned look for the next 2 years, before I had again started gaining cellulite. I tend to shed every winter. It was only in one of the winters that I had swelled up. Erratic work- scheds, no proper meal, gorging on fried stuff (that’s all that was available), had cast its dark spell on me. I would not look into the mirror to appreciate my being a woman; the urge was getting killed. I had almost stopped thinking about myself- soon.
Freeing myself of the fallen relationship (read: my marriage); I had begun leading my Life for the 1st time- as if. Breaking away from that obsolete pattern, had posted me to where I had started back in 1996. That was when I was made to leave my Home.
Shifting to Gurgaon, was also not hassles free. I was made to pay a very heavy price (read: another post). If lack of Public Transport wasn’t a reason enough to stay indoors, there were ugly series of events that had forced me to clam inside my shell. It was as if I had stepped into a Live Arena. It was as scary as a Gothic Trans Spell, where anything I touched, turned into an ugly beast, ready to feast on my Survival. I had closed my self so tight that besides my work, I didn’t exist in other realms. To escape that moronious phase and to ditch my untimely death; I had stayed locked up in a Guest House for about 4 months. All I had was a couple of night dresses, 2 tops, 1 skirt and 1 jeans to wear. Half of my stuff that was with my ex, (I was still under process of shifting); was locked up at a rented place by him. The rest half, was with that lady, I had shared my apartment with- here in Gurgaon.
How could I have overlooked my state of helplessness and go out to enjoy?
I had shifted out of that self- imposed prison in November- 2008. I was completely broken. There wasn’t even as much as a Devil to feel haunted of!! I had dealt with a couple of those already in the last few months. Although there were a few more episodes that could have affected me; I had not let them to. I was learning to live, to smile, to put a facade on my face, to face the outside world.
It may sound clichéd; but it was my friends who had dug me out of that Vortex. I had not realized how deep I had sunken until recently. I had turned into a typical recluse! I had refused to interact with everyone and anyone.. Reasons? Actually those still exist; only now, I have learnt how to lead My Life staying completely Indifferent.
Now almost after 2 years, I am back to my stable self emotionally. My heart beats and feels too!! I pick up the happy things, leaving the sad ones to their fate of dyeing a natural death.
I am preparing for my Big Day.. The Day the world around Me, would announce my very Existence.I would then be recognized far and wide for who I am. I now need to look my SELF!! I wish to reflect upon my Attitude. I wish to showcase my ability to deal with the toughest of the things with great precision. I want everyone else to take notice of my agility. I wish to outdo all my efforts to take whatever comes and laugh about it on its face- to the point of being Indifferent and un- affected.
I wish to look As I Am.
Life isn’t all that bad..
All you need to do is, remove the blind- fold. Let the light reach your eyes. It’s all around you. You have chosen to stay blind- folded!!
Really, just look around- don’t you see it’s brightly lit? Now, if you stay deep inside the attic, how would you know of it? Alright, you may have come out- but then, wouldn’t you put your face up now? The light may prick your eyes; does that mean you’ll stay in Dark?
I wish, there were classes on “How to deal with Life challenges” as one of the Main subjects in High School. Then again, it’s the basic attitude..!! What’s the fun being stuck up at a point that’s in past? What’s gone is really gone! You cannot change it. If at all, you can change your attitude and your understanding about these things.
I have observed pretty close that the Losers often love to preach and lecture. Un-necessarily, often. By “Loser”, I mean people who wear a downtrodden look no matter what!! Doesn’t matter what their age maybe, they excel in hunting for reasons to stay gloomy- however silly and retarded it maybe. Sadistic sarcasm happens to be their 1st nature.
The biggest way of preaching- is to live by example by ownself. No offence meant, but most of the men I have met are rudely stuck to a pothole.. wanting someone to pull them out. No problems with that. However, if you wish to be pulled out- you need to stretch your arm up. Do not expect me to get inside the ditch and crib for the rest of my Life; because then, that would make me also stay inside that ditch and with you!! !$@$%$##@
If anyone needs to Move On, it’s them.. Some people just never come to terms with the Life Truths. They keep standing as a Pillar on puddle. Neither can they stand still, since they are on a puddle; nor can they fall apart, since the puddle keeps them pulling inside. The beauty of it is that these confused, sardonic creeps are pretty capable of turning you into one. Never under- estimate their capacity. They infect you like a deadly virus.
Now you know what I mean? These people stay perfectly calm when left in a sterile condition (solitude or within their problems- whatever). They only display the symptoms of being a Lunatic, once placed on the breeding culture; i.e., someone unknown to his pattern who in turn becomes the victim. These confused, beaten-up souls have all the capacity to turn you too, into a Host. I have personally experienced that the negative energies (as the jargon goes) are more powerful and permeating ones than the positive energies.
I told you- it’s one’s basic attitude.
If you are pessimist, you would never ever be able to look for a new dimension. You would not make any efforts to look for one. Since, it’s bound to crash anyways. Wherein, the positive thinker- would still be hopeful! He’ll keep trying unless he gets a new and lifesaving perspective to the newest issue. Afterall, you aren’t stuck 40,000 ft above the ground in an air- craft with fuel needle dipping to zero. Go run, get a chute!! Nevermind; what if it crashes before you reach? So stay wherever you are- say your last prayers and smoke your cigar.
Ever watched the TOM n JERRY series? Anytime Tom foresees his “death”; he blindfolds himself, lets his Cigar and puffs up in the air. Now, he had all the time to do that but he couldn’t run. Cartoons being only that, Tom is never run by that Train. Life is a different kind of travel. Even if you may not be standing at the train tracks, the moment you blindfold yourself, you are bound to hit by some unknown object. Unknown- why that? Remember- you have tied a cloth around your face, eyes to be precise- you can’t see?
What’s done is done- you can’t change it. Perhaps, they just don’t seem to understand that. Even if you wish to MOVE ON, they would prove to be the biggest impediment, reminding you about your losses! Please keep in mind- you can’t Time Travel (yet) and change what’s happened already. However, you can choose to accept it by staying completely indifferent to things that can’t be undone.
Isn’t “Past” equivalent to Death? Can you transverse “Death” yet? Anyways, you can only dare change a veracity after you have accepted it. Unless you haven’t come to terms with it- how would you learn of its finer nuances? What would be your plan of action to battle it? To expect a perfect victory, you need to know it in and out. That would only happen if you make friends with it- by accepting it, acknowledging and then facing it. That’s it.
By keeping your eyes closed, you are denying yourself of a better Life! How justified is it to whine about what you don’t have and ignore all the luxuries you own- in the process?
Maybe that’s too much of an effort. Let me guess- are they the same people who keep their head covered while sleeping too?
Enjoy the Cartoon- However- don’t try that in real Life, it won’t really work.
After 5 sleepless nights that lasted till 5 few days back, I am now trying to get back to my Life. Don’t worry- it wasn’t anything that I should have fret about. Then again, as I always do- I had gone inside My Brooding Shell. The instances were such that had pushed me to think and analyze. I certainly wasn’t upset about anything. I was highly amused to the point that I had lost my sleep practically. I just couldn’t snore- that’s it.
I am as warm and fresh, as after a shower in a beautiful Fall evening. A bit of chill and yet wanting to splash of water on the skin!! Not at all a bad way of starting a Tuesday with the following tagging. Ji, you just rock. A very big bunch of Thanks and Love to you and to all- xoxox
I pass it on the following Bloggers-
Thank you for all the support. I enjoy reading your Blog as well as the comments that you leave for me..!! Happy Fall everyone..
I haven’t disappeared anywhere in case you maybe wondering about my Monday Post..!! This has been my Monday color for the last few weeks now. Blue, only seems to be a color ever since, and a darn sensual one at that.. 😀 While I move around enjoying my assignments and treats; enjoy this wonderful number.
I’ll be back soon enough.. Love you all Loads!!
Oh, and if you do poems, I welcome you to join in. Click the link- Poetry Potluck and join the fun. Should you need any help at all, leave a comment under the post. I’ll rush to assist you.
– Happy Monday –
Blue Version- I love this one 🙂
Please feel free to share this Note of Love with as many as you wish to. I present this Award to all who have been visiting My Blog and commenting.
I wish to say that your stopping by has made me Move On faster..
This is your award, claim it and then share with your fellow Bloggers.
I share this “Love you Loads” Award with:
– Happy Weekend –
The Subtle- form stays inside our Mind.
Look at it this way
We would not only be able to move within the different timelines; but also within each other’s mind. Tough to believe? Alright, just take hypnotism a little ahead of where it stands today. Isn’t meditating self- hypnotism? Telepathy..? Intuition..?
If you read a few pre- vedic texts, you would realize that creating a subtle body is possible. It does exist within ourselves. It is this, where all your Intuitions are generated and interpreted. Premonition, Pre- cognition and Dreams are it’s way of communicating to our more conscious portion of mind. At any given point of time, you are not alone. This happens to be your Inner Voice.
I am sure we all have sat analyzing the pros- cons as the jargon goes, of something, at some point in time. Now you know who talks to you making you realize the setbacks? While your dumb mind gives the alluring factors which are merely mirages..!
If you really follow something passionately- anything that maybe your hobby or even beyond; this is the “form” that gets active enlightening your whole being. How possessed you become while pursuing that passion; would determine how Enlightened you are.
The process of “thinking” isn’t just that. Your mind getting fueled by your minor/subtle- form then controls your conscious/visible part of your being. Anytime you are self- counseling; it’s your subtle- form that is talking to you. “Inner- voice”..? This is it. Now, you would perhaps believe that we are the Divine within ourselves.
We are a form of energy. They say “we” are captivated within the Human- bodily cage. I say; it’s more like as if we ourselves are responsible for this. “Your subtle form” is who you are.
So if we are free form of flowing energies, why the heck do we look like the way we do? Why aren’t we designed more as Angels floating in the ether?
Kids are born almost incapacitated in all possible manner. We grow them, helping them to learn how to do everything on their own. Likewise, right now we are babies, we need to reach beyond our age and tap that “grown up” part hidden within us. We need to become self- dependent. Oh yes, working for salary isn’t becoming self- dependent. Our sense organs are our crutches. We are so en-caged and stay en-slaved to those.
Ever tried to walk with your eyes closed? Or sway while just thinking of a song in your mind and not really singing or even humming? Have you thought of someone- and he just showed up? Hit by a Chemistry the 1st time on meeting someone? That’s where he/she would take you further to achieve what you so wish to. This process is up even without you realizing. If you realize and understand what you want; you would make your travel a little smoother.
Maybe- now you should let go of all hard- feelings about the people who back- stabbed you. They have only helped you attain your Destiny. You see now, you create your own Destiny by self- realization. All hobbies are creative vent- be it any. Why else a painter strokes his master- piece after following a heartbreaking sequence?
This is where you control your Destiny. By thinking about the things you want. By wanting them in a super- beneficial order. By definitely not thinking about self gain alone. It’s not as tough. Let me tell you how.. You want money? Don’t forget charity. If you concentrate hard enough keeping the “charity” portion is mind as well; you would see- you would become wealthy in no time. Likewise, you wish to learn a new hobby; think about what benefit would that be to the rest of your people (if not whole of the world in the beginning). This is how Knowledge is best shared.
If only clams give up their pearls, would they make more.
You desire of things in a bigger manner. You constantly stay high consumed in your own pursuance, within your mind. It is like becoming the reigning super- Queen for all times. This is where you would recollect your past Life instances, make amends, fulfill Karmas.
Once again, let go of the hard- feelings. Or else, you would do something to hurt the other one and damage your own smooth travel. Really, all actions do generate motion in the Universe. You just don’t want to create a negative whirl for yourself. Anyone who creates issues for you, would anyways be hit by his Destiny- sooner than later. Maybe, once upon a time, you had been ruder.. Go ahead- like 2 wrongs won’t make even half right; stop feeling negative and instead laugh it off. Smile as often as you can- you’ll be easy to your own self.
Don’t forget what happened to you; just don’t stay bitter. Let go of it- completely. You can only do this if you are completely un- attached to anyone. That’s when you Love all and hate none. The state of Indifference can only be attained if you consciously choose to stay solo. You may keep performing the worldly duties but just don’t let them hurt you or your state of being. You need to master the art of Moving On.
This is how you serve your Destiny.
I wish to know all about Life, Death and Beyond.
What connects Death and Birth? We all know- it’s Birth -> Life -> Death -> … -> … The doted lines is what I wish to know about. I so wish to raise myself above the mundane, attaining super- conscience. Remain human; yet un-attached. Become God and be worshiped. Not because I want to feel special; but because I would have attained super- conscious. You become great- no sooner you achieve something rare and not much explored. Live in this world- yet never die.
Immortality happens to a mere- mortal. I wish to go beyond- being a human. To be able to detach my soul- giving energy and maintain myself at that level. If you go through the Autobiography of a Yogi; you would know that all of these are physically possible. While in modern times, it’s becoming more and more tricky. Since we need to run our own rat races; there are ways of still walking the trail of the path, the way you wish to.
Miracles are not as rare as we believe them to be. Probably, we just don’t wish to believe in them.
“Virtuality” of any fact is fascinating. It says that it’s Reality; although Virtually. It’s “Yes” and “Maybe” pressed together. It’s a delicate and illuminating swing between Life and Beyond. It says- it could or not be as well. Just a subtle thread away from being a Myth. It’s “Make Believe”. So here I am, within my beautiful world of “make believe”. It isn’t about “making yourself believe”; but “Making, what you believe in..”
Did you notice that there isn’t a stop/negative/closing factor? Perhaps the opposites don’t exist at all. It isn’t Reality and Fantasy; instead, it’s Reality and Impression. Then why stopping at Death? Death isn’t the opposite of Life. Attaining a level of super- conscience is. A level that would free one of both Life and Death.
How beautifully the cyber- space takes the content of my mind to travel across the virtual world, connecting with the Reader’s mind- inturn making me connected with you all..!
It connects my words beautifully with everyone across the Globe, communicating even when I may be snoring peacefully at night. Any thing in it’s absolute form, is free of any time- line. It is this cyber- space that is circulating my thoughts all around. Even to the places that my mind may not be able to conceive of.
Exactly, in this manner; I am wanting to become the omniscient, all pervading, the reigning Queen of all forms– all across the Globe and beyond. To raise myself beyond the Definition.
It is the Definition, that sets the Limitations.
I had almost toppled over laughing while crossing that “Life coming full circle” juncture..
I had known him some 12 years back for a brief period of time. Upon meeting him a few days back; it seemed he was pressed. After half hour, he had started discussing the things that seemed to be pushing him off the limits. I was so amazed at the fact that how he could discuss such personal affairs, with me, the 1st time itself, meeting me after so long. It only spoke of his wavering attitude. Nevermind. Maybe I was right when I had said I would have been a counselor if not working with Convergys. This was my reply, to a question put across by My “would be” TL’s Manager; for my last round of Quality IJP.
He had given as many explicit details as it had taken. I had heard him patiently. His whining nature was showing through. Back then too, he would keep his cribbing nature up. No matter what precautions I took; I used to end up making mistakes. Something that never had and have happened apart from those 4- 5 months.
We all undergo problems- each one of us in our own twisted pattern. It surely counts how we present it. Anyways, cribbing and yet keeping up with it, doesn’t go well together. Yet, that was him- why was I to bother?
I had tried suggesting as much as I could think about; attaching a “disclaimer” that that’s how I would have done. Reason: I had never felt sure of him when I had worked with him, even back then. Also, it was him because of whom, I had quit that workplace. He was instrumental in playing up the role of screw- driver- instigating my superiors against me. How he thinks that I didn’t know that.
Coming home- I had felt restless. Highly uncomfortable. There were too many pointers for me to brood upon. Although I had not been thinking; I could just not be at peace. Exactly how I had felt after meeting that Kalkaji baby boy. Infact, his habits reflected upon a few losers I have met- over a period of time.
We had met 2 days later again. This time round, I had talked about myself. He had wanted to confirm if I would have jumped into; if he had proposed me back then. I had replied honestly, saying a “Yes”. He seemed to have given a thought over what we had talked 2 days back. He had wanted me to look for someone for him. Really, why wouldn’t I utilize my time and efforts for “hunting” someone for my ownself?
I had wanted him to stop driving towards Jaipur, but I hadn’t. That had been my 1st crush’s work-town. The memories had suddenly clouded my mind, asking me- if there weren’t enough signs for me to read that I was being so passive.
Well, he had finally proposed me- wanting to know if I loved to gamble!!! My- my, a serious upstart..!! I had given in reluctantly. I am definitely wanting to change the pattern I am stuck into. I want my things to become better than how they are in the current arrangement.
Something had kept telling me that that was not going anywhere. He had wanted to try around while on the road. I am not a teenager. I have lived some serious affairs in my post- teens. Kissing around inside a car is such an insult to woman- hood.
I guess a kiss ought to be a smooth and sultry effort, leading to more passionate smooches. Eventually growing with each passing second- resulting in serious exchange of intimate passion. That never happens traveling in a car- PERIOD. One of my childhood girlfriend had once shared how her the 1st kiss had happened in a car while travelling..!! I had written the guy off and re-acted equally distastefully towards her. I was 19 then. The same thing was happening to me now- I had as if become dead- cold.
I so don’t have to prove myself about my desires or way of expressing those. Seriously, I was so put off. I mean- we had hardly agreed to “gamble” and he had wanted to start a relationship right on the highway while driving? Maybe he would have kept it at that; yet, why that too as well?
He had wanted to know about too personal things. To the point of getting irritated. I mean, if you were to initiate a relationship, wouldn’t you wish to know each other or explore and realise yourself; rather than asking monotonous questions? Let me try to explain it this way. You go to buy a frock for your friend’s little angel. You would- but have to be sure of her age, fit or choices before you step out to buy. However, would you do the same- while doing that for your best friend? Wouldn’t you want her to go and try the best outfits, before you quickly pay the bill while she maybe changing back, after telling you that she had been wanting to buy that burgundy tube- top?
Coming home this time- I had given it a serious thought charting out the details as I have here. Nopes, this guy just didn’t seem to be fitting in. Yet, whenever I said that we need to talk- he would just slime his way (talks) past.
Bless my vodka shots, I had called up Ruby to discuss; what I was completely taken aback about. She had as usual supported me great lengths. It seems; this guy had missed out upon the details that I had shared- about my having involved with his youngest brother at one point of time. What else did relationship mean? He seemed to be too bothered about it the day we had decided to “gamble”. We had hardly interacted after I had agreed “to gamble”. He had frozen himself rock solid- one trait that just is no way acceptable.
He had called up only a few minutes back before I had called up Ruby. Everytime, I was deciding to shake him out; I would again think on the lines of atleast talking it out with him. Although, my intuitions had kept signalling otherwise. Last evening, I had decided for good to not to interact with him anymore- come what may.
What do we have here? His sardonic vernacular proses had started pouring in through FB messages. In the same manner how he had started “flowing” after my agreeing to- (no points for guessing) “gamble”. No exchange of greetings or pleasantries; but sadistic meloncholic lines spilling more sadness than any Gothic text.
I had tried replying, remaining as composed as possible. He then posted a video too. Some junk forward that we never care to see through. I would rather read something informative- or my own Blog- should anybody say that I write crap.. 😉 I too had sent him a link of my post through messages. This post talked about what had happened all those years back. Half hour (maybe) later, he called up in a very low tone. His voice had sounded brutally demanding. Hats off to my courtesy that I had answered his call despite having decided not to. He wasn’t keeping well- or so he had said yesterday. I had definitely exchanged pleasantries. Oh f*ck those greetings. Why the hell had I posted up on his wall..?
That’s it- even before I could explain that I had sent a link through messages as he had, he had snapped the call. Poor fellow, he didn’t know the “Home” would always show others’ status? Or was he viewing my “Profile”? Maybe he didn’t know how FB works. Upstart I said- remember? Or maybe that’s the best he could think of to churn in some more moronity. I had only FB messaged him some time back that “Perhaps he romances being heart- broken.. Apparently, it seems that no matter what, the chances are that he would find out a reason to stay gloomy.. If that’s not all, he wasn’t letting me talk it out.. Is this how he wanted to handle things??” in different messages.
I had tried calling him up to explain- he had disconnected me every single time. A sms had beeped saying “he was occupied”. I had had enough by then. I don’t wish to mother babies. I then replied that “he may choose to stay in that state for ever, for all I cared. I was done listening to his sardonic talks.” A reply sms had beeped “Thanks (innumerable exclamation marks)” and “Bye (IEM again)”.. That was that.. he had only poked me reminding how VP talked “Blessing me” and asking me to “take care” when all he did was planning how to screw my state of being.
“Get the hell out of my Life..” End of chapter. That’s the text I had sent- verbatim.
I had already dealt with my crush in 2005- given his trait of not answering my calls!! What relationships would he lead anyways when he is just not open to “listen”; either for his redundant thought process or even for his ignorance about SNS.
I am only shuddering thinking what if this had not happened this evening..
Somebody..? Anybody..? HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (IEM)
Refer: How to sniff a Loser
My being passionate, strong- willed and determined; was tested time and again. I would have been lost, getting crushed along with the dry leaves years back. It was only due to my being adamant to stay alive; that I have survived till now.
Loads of fallen Relationships (both blood and others), a broken marriage and loads of criticism is all I have earned so far. The day I wrote the 1st post is still vivid to me. I had decided to write my biography since long; but wasn’t sure how to put all the ugly events across. It was like battling with my own self. I wasn’t sure about how the readers would react. It was also about how I would go back in time to re- live my experiences and stay true to my feelings while writing them here.
Here, I have reached to share an incident not known to anyone. I had shared this with Ruby after years. As I said, the apprehension was more within myself trying to understand the sequence, instead of feeling embarrassed or anything else. I have not only written it across, but also have let go of it.
I feel; I am doing myself a huge favor by letting go of all that I had held in me. Having said that I feel as if I am a young girl. Naive, untouched and grinning.
I don’t “vent out”. I take hours to type the precise words. Instead; I share. Why with everyone? Because I have no- one. Isn’t that pretty simple to understand? Definition sets the limitations. I am not bound by any relationships; hence, not bound. I live a very quiet Life. This is how it has been- lonely, silent and haunting. Now, I only scream.. until the audience go deaf hearing to my crooning. It’s not a song I wish to sing to entertain- I wish croon and scare.
Hearing me out, my 1st crush nearly had crushed me. Leaving me stranded- exactly when I had needed someone to hold upon to get out of that dead- lock relationship; he had “escaped”. That marriage was dead the very day itself and I was locked into it.
My days of keeping worried, to write about, are over.
After having written cards for others’ boyfriends, love- letters to my boyfriend (my ex- spouse); I am now trying to put across my failures, desperation and experiences- in form of writing. I know how to beautify and maybe even morph. Precisely why, the posts that were not at all so sweet, are the maximum traffic generators.
My ability to write, makes me a Winner..!!
This is My Life. Something that I am leading still. If I have survived the stances, I can talk about them as well. To the point of getting criticized or even judged. I so not care about it. Just why at all should I hesitate or feel embarrassed? If at all, it should be them, who created this mess- I so embrace as my Life- who should be.
33 is no age; yet, I feel I have just lived my Life. I have been feeling this since I was 15.
I maybe an emotional one at the core. Yet, I don’t express. I don’t want to show how vulnerable I am.
The rolling of the experiences are still on.
Each time I stop to breathe, pondering about how to write or express- I am hit in my face again.
It so happens that that hit pushes me to write on. To step forward and type all the veracities I have been through. I may not be the only one to be taking it. But I am one of those very few people, who talk to themselves looking at the mirror each time they feel demotivated. Facing my ownself; questioning, confessing and analyzing.
Here, I stand again- watching myself. Feeling happy about exactly a “not so happy” stance. That I was able to take it again; meant I am healed. I have learnt my way to get pricked and use it to produce words. This time round, a jolt has so prepared me mentally that I am on my way to come out of my state of helplessness (read: my current phase). It feels nice to have been able to attain yet another level of Indifference.
I am not at all ashamed or embarrassed of the things that have happened to me. However, people, after knowing about those do still shy away. I so fail to understand- if they were the people who called me strong; why couldn’t they rest on me letting me fight out yet again? Isn’t that how dependence work?
You would have to step up to feel elated. Likewise, you would have to dive in, to feel the depth. My situations, circumstances and my treating them in certain manner; constitute my experiences. I don’t stand bow headed cursing my fate. I love to take things in my stride. Maybe that’s why I feel stronger. I step right on them coming out of that deep mess.
That’s what I am doing with my words. I am resting on them, letting them make it up for the lost years in time. I am aware of the magic that words create. By writing about all, the spell has been cast..
I am now waiting for my World to become Wonderful!!
Here I am, standing exactly where I had stood 12 years back. Some huge Divine Clock had as if fixed me then, with the hour’s wing making me strike 1 again!
What exactly is Time wanting me to read?
I am fighting out within myself to stay as Indifferent as possible- given the current situation and my thought process. I am judgemental. I am trying not to reach any conclusion and leave it at that before trying. Once I make up my mind- it’s difficult to change it- no matter what!! Moreover, I just don’t run after the gone; That’s so not me. If at all, I walk back, the moment I notice a shaky trait without wasting a second.
Although it’s the current development that is keeping me occupied, I am drifted back to a more recent stance that had happened to me in 2005. There’s more to it- even that one’s an unfinished business. I feel that it’s about time that it would hit me anyday now. Once again.
Destiny calling maybe..!!
Whichever way; looking at such uncanny resemblances, I am bound to step out of my Cage. I am preparing to fly away- far off again. It’s just about time that I break free once again. Standing at 1 o’clock, I am reading much beyond a “Life coming full circle”. There’s more to it. There are messages hidden for me.
It’s not the similar situation alone- that maybe all; there are other beginnings it’s hinting at. I am waiting to embrace all. I am desperately trying to figure out which way or more is it wanting me to look at. Is the new situation capable of lifting me and away? Or is it only a precursor of the actual and bigger thing waiting for me? I would have so loved the native thing to come upon me too.
I am unable to read it completely. There are bunch of perspectives yet to be explored. Everyday ever since that’s happened (again), I am reflected onto a new aspect.
Will I be happier? Yes, because stepping out of my captivity is all I want for now- at any cost. It would be too cheap at any price.
I am waiting for you My Dear Friend Destiny. Strike me again!!
It’s the Time, that reflects the biggest message possible-
Time isn’t the healer. Mind is. It is your mind that makes you understand and assess. Time only acts as a medium. It won’t carry you forwardly if you choose to sit down and cry. That’s what the time teaches. To carry on. To not halt.
Ever watched a clock?
Apparently, they all move away.
The closely the wings observe, the later they re- pass the ticking. Then again; each time that they do so, they show a different time.. The longer you take to transition (instead of hurrying over); the farther you keep yourself from bumping onto it again!
Likewise, to change; you need to move. You need to grow. You need to morph. Coal won’t have become diamond if it had resented. It would have gotten decayed. It would have failed to stay coal even.
Watch the watch closely.
It keeps its face up no matter what. Never ever would it tell time without showing up. With pride; it shows its wings flying by. It doesn’t feel embarrassed to reflect upon a non- stationery aspect. “Move on” is not that in itself. It contains a big one.
Wind is only when the air moves; else, it’s vacuum.
Spring is till it “falls” else it becomes standing puddle.
Will you stop breathing because it’s storming?
I had turned into a recluse- Blogging has pushed me back to Life. I don’t vent, I communicate. Beyond words, relationships and limitations, i.e., It’s my mind talking out loud in open. Let everyone comment. The good ones make me feel better. The nasty ones (not many really) make me tougher. Adding to my endurance, tolerance and my ability to answer back.
Even while typing this one out, I am constantly answering my mails and chats. Fellow Bloggers, New Joinees, Queries.. I wonder; if I ever be able to achieve a state of solidarity- chances are slim. Maybe my Computer does read my mind. It doesn’t let me stay confined. It seems strange now; how I had closed myself for the last 3 years… I have blog friends beside my other friends (from my childhood, school) connected with me. I have been sailing through extremes, either a crowd; or just me.
It’s 7.30 in the morning. Pretty unusual for me to be tapping keys and making posts!! I have had troubled times and yet, have slept snoring (I do like a cat- mom would say, a light sound expressing content). Last night, I couldn’t.
It’s been 3 nights now..
I am fighting back my tears. Failing as I had late last night. And the night previous. Had I seen it coming? Yes, I had. And the confusion? Yes, that included. What am I thinking? Or wanting to..?
I am a die- hard optimist. Almost pushing things, when they look impossible to be achieved the most. I am at a point again where I am pondering upon why things keep circling around? Is it that they test my ability to keep myself detached… or is it because they want to get attached?
The two cyclical conclusions that I reached
After a series of ugly chain events, i.e., after breaking away from my dead marriage; I had as if stepped into a live arena. Instead of sorting things out and breathing, I had landed myself into yet another tricky space. As I write this here, I look back and realize, not even a single time it has been hassle- free. Never.
It’s a package deal- I guess.
If that’s been the trend, then why fussing over now? I have been a caring one, and yet indifferent- often rude. No it’s definitely not Love- certainly not. Or is it?
Nopes. It can’t be. Then again..
Apparently, I take things as they come- yet, it’s been very long that I have used my mind so much- thinking about a possibility that could be or .. At this point in time, I am wanting to break a pattern. A strange pattern that I have been forced to live even though that I had not wanted to step into. Is it asking me to stop? Or rush?
Let’s put it this way: I stay in a golden (and not gold) cage, completely secluded. Stranded. Almost suspended. I wish to fly out. Flap my wings, ruffle my feathers, flutter around, look for a mate.. Yeah that too! Pigeons are blessed. They get into a relationship, make eggs and fly away only to look for another mate yet again, the next breeding season.
No hard feelings, no attachments, no “you broke my heart by saying this”, absolutely no expectations, no taking for granted. They are birds in the very essence of the definition. They fly and fly away. Wonder, why don’t confusions creep in when they have multiple relationships in their life- time? Because they follow rules. Giving 100% to the current one- till it lasts.
Maybe, that’s the primary reasons of I closing in. To avoid confusions as far as possible. I believe, it’s too much to pay in return. It costs the relationship eventually. You either fight it-out right- staying indifferent or else just don’t step in.
I know how to fly away– I only wish to fly now.
I’m making my attempts…
It was sweet- I choose to call it a Date.. 😀
Perhaps, no-one gets as many opportunities as I do. To live, forgive and enjoy.
I had traced my ex- boss, on FB late night after pressing that post. Really now, Life couldn’t get any better.
Well, I had sent him a message on FB asking if he remembered anything of me. His reply was simple- yet spoke volumes (I do this bit of reading beyond words). I won’t give details of his personal things- excepting the things that I am or was already a part of. I had observed him pretty close- that’s my second nature anyways. What’s the 1st again? Reading people. Actually, that goes hand in hand.
He was struggling to come out of his 1st emotional episode- when I had met him the 1st time. He had lost his lady only a year back. Yet, he had wanted to keep himself strong and carry on with his Life. After maybe a year and a half, he had wanted to settle down again. BTW, marriages are great affairs; more social than personal- here in India. I did get to meet this other lady a couple of times.
I would keep to myself at work- almost occupied. That instance was still fresh- barely a few days old. If that was not all, there was confusion about Rajat- that had cropped up too. Details later please. He would keep pressing me to stay cheered up. “Pressing”, because I wasn’t very communicative. What would I have told him that I was involved with his youngest brother- for nothing? Nevermind.
He would keep suggesting that I go and meet one Ms. Raj for a counselling session. Really!! I had not needed that. I strongly believed and still do- that it’s all within yourself. Counselors don’t undergo what you do while taking that crap. Unfortunately, good friends don’t happen in this age of rat- race; and so, such counselors have made it into our lives. You know what I mean?
He would often suggest me that I get married and start leading my Life in a big way. He had known a little about me. He had wanting me to get settled. It had bothered me so much that I had almost asked him what were his apprehensions in extending that help himself! He was not to know that Marriages don’t happen unless destined- did I say Destiny? A bitter fact that he has learnt about now. I wish he had not..!!
Feelings? ummm.. maybe.
I had troubled him the most while working with him. Our work- styles had clashed. I just don’t know why; but I always goofed up at the simplest of the tasks. Good, that I had worked with him at one point of time- even though it was short stint. A few basics that I have learnt, have taken me to a level, where I am single handedly responsible for all Data Maintenance; at my present place of work.
Data Maintenance? My readers know how good I am at it- LOLsss
Although we had met for a very short time- he was expecting guests at his place; we ended up staying together for over 4 hours. While discussing the not so pleasant things; we had gone out on a drive. Oh yeah!! I love long drives- Even though that I don’t look forward to be falling in Love (the concept of Love is pretty subjective for me), I don’t cease to grab the opportunity whenever I get one to go out on a pleasure trip.
It was a mixed evening. Things he shared about himself were not so nice. The very fact that he could speak out- was pleasing. I wish he had spoken with me back then too. Wait..!! I have already said so yesterday. My Dear sweet readers, please don’t try to read beyond 😉 I maybe cooking in my mind- but out loud, there’s no fire; or maybe there is some- 😀
Life comes full circle. The same guy who had once wanted me to stay alive is the one- who acknowledged that if anyone has actually stayed alive- that’s me. I had always assured him that no matter what, I would keep giggling even in the worst of my situations. Here, after 12 years and just so many bitter experiences that Life could have given me- I had sat giggling next to him. I must admit, I had acted as if I was the same teenager and not a woman of 33.
But that’s how I am. I can’t stop to laugh about. That’s so not Me. I have the capacity and audacity both; to laugh at the ugliest of the episodes- right on their face. Happiness lies within you- incase you join that with outwardly things, the chances are that the moment that thing is gone, you would clam back to your shell; feeling more miserable.
On second thoughts, clams stay in vast sea waters. They are as delicate as tendons. They reflect upon to a very important message. That one should know how to balance one’s life and not lose into the depth of situations. Shell is fine, but only to stay and survive and not to adopt as a lifestyle.
Musings– He would tell me that I would fit into a corporate kind of an office. I still don’t know if that was out of sarcasm- but yes, I have enjoyed working with global MNC and corporate offices. I had also constructed a Doll- House while working with him. It was a delicate wooden construction that I had never attempted at before. A company uses that on their brochure for commercial. He confessed yesterday that that was his idea to put that image on the catalog. Atleast, I have him now to stamp the fact that I had slogged over something as complicated as that.. 😀 We discussed everything that we could- both about him and me; separately though- thanks. Of Rajat’s hit on me and my rude reaction. Of my Past.. all that’s on My Blog anyway. Yeah, he checked My Blog too.. 🙂 Nice of him to have attempted to know me before meeting me (winkie!!) A common link was also discovered amongst our circle.
He stays from where I had started my stay- here in Gurgaon. What is time pointing at, this time? That my stay here is over now?That it’s time for me to move on?
A sagging roll- over or a new beginning?
To bring in light, you need to open up all the closed doors and windows.
But first, clear the cob- webs. A rigorous dusting session would be required to take the dust off. Send the curtains for laundry. Change the upholstery.
Under the furnitures, are the most dirty floors. Check out the corners, grime would be sitting thick there. Corners are the meeting point of two walls, often infested with spider webs and molds. Relationships often tend to become furnitures. Objects of utility- stationery and taken for granted. Lift them up, move them a bit. If they creak, it’s best to replace. Both for the old wood and your house. That way, atleast they could be re- done into something new. Don’t wait until they break. They’ll bring a sitting you down too, fracturing your bones. Check in to see if any webs may have molded the common links. All you need to do is wipe the webs clean. You don’t want spiders all over your house crawling from those walls.
Pick up those candle- stands, the dripped wax may have settled around the stand. Scrape it off- layer by layer. Source of light may also be needing some cleansing. Don’t take your special loved ones- who lighten up your Life, for granted. Remove the dripped wax set there. If you don’t, the wick would someday do what it does the best. Too much of molten wax would set your house on fire. By the time your things turn into ashes, it would be too late. You wouldn’t even get to realize what brought that upon you.
Before expecting Time to heal your wounds, you need to do your bit.
It’s your mind and your ownself that is. Time is only a media; ether for all of us to float in. It would only rinse, you would have to do the cleansing yourself. Anyways, it’s you, only your efforts would do; an outside media and person will only join into the process, when you are done with it. You’ll have to lay the foundation by initiating the steps yourself. If I want my pigeons to be gracing my veranda sill, I would have to place a (now their) birdbath, to invite them. It won’t work the other way.
To be able to see around, you need to open up your eyes. You would get to see things- both ugly and pleasing. Your wanting to stay blind isn’t a solution to your wanting to see only good.
A cleaning regimen won’t help; unless, you open up the closed panes. Merely showing light won’t help, if it is dirty. The surface won’t catch much health. At times, you would need to swab more than once. It may be wanting a hard scrub too.
Definitely, cleaning isn’t a very alluring job.. But staying dirty is certainly not the lifestyle you should lead instead.
Staying indoors to avoid ugly surroundings really won’t do any good. You would not know of the world and would stay possessed within your own dust. Don’t forget; keeping yourself locked accumulates dust too. You need to bring yourself out to open and under the sun to keep yourself refreshed.
You’ll have to do the cleaning keeping the windows and doors open. Or else, the dust will keep settling on you, irritating your state of being. Your immediate neighbors and passersby would get to watch you doing the spring cleaning. They would come aware of the amount of dirt, furniture and your space of accommodation.
To be able to attain Salvation, you need to have served all your Karmas.
That’s precisely what I am doing. writing My Biography. Enlightenment is all I need.
It is only super- natural that I am being watched over.
A few replies that I have received on the original email.
Last but not the least- I am thankful to Destiny and to you all for catching me when I have just started to Blog- Love you all..
Ruby Sweetheart, This ones for you too. Girlie, I love you mega- bits xox
With Loads of Love to all of you.. Happy Weekend!!
Meeting Rajat at Saket, I had analyzed him within a few seconds. He was yet another loser, wanting a respite in a strong woman. My single name and missing father’s name were enough- to tell anyone smart, how I was. His communication skills were excellent. To keep up the trend of handsome boyfriends; he resembled Vivek Oberoi. He had floated an option of staying together.
I wonder- did I look like such a fool that I were to get into an arrangement, where I would be at a complete loss? I had not needed any more support. Ruby had jumped in, without any conditions; why had I needed anyone? Money? He had none.
He had heaved a big sigh wanting to know how I was planning to carry on. He was taken aback when I had discussed my strategy. He could not believe a word of it. May be I was too fast for him.
I had wanted a committed relationship. Or none. Anyways, I had different plans in my mind.
I have always been a traditional woman. Wanting my man to be my provider. If I were to work to slog for a decent salary; what is that man good for? If at the end of the day, I have to struggle to meet my ends- I don’t want that man. I would be better off left alone.
My days in Siddharth were numbered. I had only a few days to act upon. I knew Kamal Kalra was somewhat infatuated. I had called him up again. I was very right about that fact. Even though that was a formal “exchanging pleasantries” call, he had again expressed his desire to meet me. This time round, I had agreed to.
I knew where it was going. I also knew what it would have led to. Then again, I had wanted that to work in my favor too..
He was yet another middle aged man. He looked either bored with his life or not really appreciative of what he had. His wife Rachna was a sweet lady. She conversed fluently in English. She had struck a good rapport with me on phone. Yet, it seemed Kamal wasn’t happy. Not that his unhappiness was any more justified.
I guess I had met him at ITO somewhere. I had boarded his black Cielo, stepping into an episode, which I had not been able to take in my stride for long.
Infact, up until now.
That I am writing about it today, has taken enough thoughts, retrospection, brooding and fighting with my ownself.
Kamal had taken me to someplace in Faridabad. Of course, we had indulged. I had carried my make- up too. I had as if foreseen that I would have to scrape off that applied bit and re- do the smudged part again. Since it was a hotel- room, I had showered before applying make- up.
It wasn’t as simple as I have written here. He seemed to be too unhappy with things he owned. A lovely educated wife, a good business and a high- end life. I had clearly told him that I had needed money. He had given me a couple of thousands and promised the rest soon.
I had gotten myself dropped at Saket. Rajat was to meet me there. He had snatched my hand- bag to check if what I said was true. There- those bundles of notes lay peacefully in my brown bag. I had not wanted to spend anymore time with him and gotten up to go home.
I had become more like a statue. No emotions or feelings had bothered me. Upon reaching home, I had picked up that packet, Rajat had handed me to pass that to Ranu. That evening seemed the right time to meet new people. I was told that I could also hand that over to Anjum- her room mate.
Anjum had always been out for her dance- classes. That evening, I had met her eventually. A young girl even more beautiful than Preity Zinta, had stood right before my eyes. In her affectionate tone she had wanted to know my reason of dropping by. I was so lost, watching a beautiful girl with waist length open hair, that I had fogotten everything that had happened throughout the day. She had with so much of affection held my hand and pulled me inside her room. Keeping that packet aside, she had wanted to talk about everything to strike an immediate friendship. I was mesmerized with her innocence and simplicity. Not only that, she had wanted me to stay over for the night too. She had made me go over to my place, change and reach back to eat dinner together and talk till late and sleep, sharing the same blanket. She is one sister I could never have.
She also stayed in Vijay Nagar in the next building to that of mine. She danced very well. She was a trained Kathak dancer. She sang equally well. Her effervescence had made me forget my pain as if that had never happened. At nights, we would snuggle into the same blanket, as sisters would and give in to oblivion.
We had often spent our evenings singing classical or dancing. It was after meeting this girl that I came aware that I could dance too. Till then, signing had remained my forte. I had met Ranu a couple of days later. We had bonded well too. I had hardly gone to my place thereafter. I spent my evenings and nights with them.
At Siddharth, I had resigned. But not before meeting Ms. Reeta Dikshit. She is the daughter of JaiPrakash Gaur. It seemed that she was somewhat aware of the issues.- through Mansi. My speaking with her had affirmed all the rumors she had been hearing about the telemarketers. Telepower India P Ltd, the marketing consultancy was put under the spotlight soon.
I had managed to take my salary check too. A couple of days later, I had called up Deepak and spoke to him. I had learnt, if Ajay was to be reached; it was through Deepak. As my fate would have it, a mini argument had sparked up with Niharika, the day I had gone to collect my last pay- check. She had felt, as if I had ignored her the 1st time she had looked my way.
It was she, who ignored us considering us lesser mortals. For all that it was, it was only my hesitation that had made her think otherwise. I had anyways given her a piece of my mind and walked out leaving the telemarketing room of 8th floor at VC gaping at my words.
Handa had cried and sniffed. His patented farewell to all employees. He had apologized for his words and behavior. I so not cared anymore. I had become resilient over the weekend. I had worn my white satin silk with brown and orange abstract pattern print sari. I had made them believe that I had managed to look for an alternative.
Reality was far from it.
I had met Kamal a few days later. In total, he must have given me 10,000 odd bucks. He had wanted the affair to continue. For me, it wasn’t an affair. It was a business deal. To hurt myself both well and bad; I had not wanted to meet him again. I had made that episode look to me as if I had been a one- time …
Ruby had not known a word of it; neither had Ralhan.
I had needed money. It was the need of that hour; that’s how I had treated it. I didn’t want an affair where a man would have no time for me. I would have respected him more if he had not indulged into what he had with me. But then, that’s how men are. He had wanted to see me and I made him pay a hefty price.
You readers may conclude as many things as may strike your mind. To me, it was a plain business. Had this man expressed even a bit of feelings; I may have considered staying in. All I had, was one shot. I hit it and came out with what I had needed. I could have been left bare handed. But that’s where I had won. I bet, you readers may not have pointed out on me- as many times, if I had let this affair carry on. Of getting used up- again and again till it had sagged in me..!!
That’s where I have been battling with my ownself.
I had gone out to meet a man. I knew he was interested in me. I had only half hour to analyse if he would be able to help me with what I had wanted. Whatever happened in that 1 meeting, in return of cash, was a pure business to me. He was looking for easy make out, out of marriage- that’s it. I had only needed some help- that’s that. Sleeping with him was not as tough, as realizing that I was not cut up for such affairs. One time or carry on- either ways..
I was getting a rich business man- ready to dote on me- I had simply turned him down.
Once I had received what I had wanted.
Had I become so mechanic?
It’s by God’s grace that I have never gotten any time to sit and brood about it- until today. Miracle again..!!!
My Life was rocking. I was able to meet my sales target month after month to earn my 3800/- every month.
I had started interacting with some “educated” people around. Although- not cultured enough. Niharika would treat everyone around as lesser mortals. Evilyn..?? She was a smart woman with good command over the language- behaved ultra- snob. Reality was far cry of it.
Ajay would be so favoring of any girl employee. Doting over her- until he is accepted as her big brother. The mannerisms and treating each other in public was pretty embarrassing to watch. He would encourage the “kiss” to greet culture. I am not a prude- I am not double standards either. For crying out loud, I don’t care about anyone else- much less speak about her or criticize about her. I do and did mind my own business- even back then. Maybe that’s what didn’t go down well.
I had purchased a couple of suit lengths from Lakshmi Nagar. Getting them stitched in offbeat designs, I had managed to balance my walk on that tight rope well. Now comes the running on it part.
On one light- work day, Deepak had wanted me to call Trishna- the bar then. There was this guy whose name was somewhat “peculiar”, and Anshu and him had wanted to know his correct name. I had dialed the bar. A nice voice had answered my call- wanting to know my query. The ring had given him a clue that it was an internal extension call.
After talking to him for 5 minutes, I had told him my real reason of calling up. Upon hearing my query, that voice at the other end, had changed completely. He sounded amused. That name was supposedly Aunindyo. It then came out that I had been talking to him, for the past few minutes. Yikes..!!
Hearing me pronounce his name well, he had not wanted to stop the conversation. Now was the turn of my “cabin crew” to feel amused. That telecalling office was a small room. barely was there any place to move around. You could only walk in and sit; or keep sitting and walk out.
Mansi had wanted to see him. She was seeing a Bengali doctor- Sanjay Das then; now married to him. Maybe, she had wanted to meet another Bengali. Both of us had gone to the 1st floor to meet him. Aunindyo was a handsome and charming young guy. He looked pretty desirable. He was as if not wanting me to leave. Had he picked up some infatuation towards me?
An all expenses paid trip to Residency Manor, mussourie was organized in June. That was supposedly an annual trip gifted by the JP group for the telemarketers. I had refused to travel. I didn’t feel comfortable. Upon much coaxing and dragging, I had agreed to go. I shouldn’t have.
While traveling up the heights of the mountain, the van’s door had shut open. At an instant, I was flung out of the door leaning out half my body outside the vehicle. I was only planted at my feet wanting desperately to hold something and pull myself back inside. Just how I did that is a big- miracle to me till date. The van was travelling upwards. I could have suffered a fall down the cliff and lost my life; worse, become handicap.
Handa was cursed for such pathetic arrangement. Upon reaching the hotel, the rooms were given over. Officially, girls and guys were to stay separately; however, couple were formed. Mansi and Geetu had shared a room. She had made no bones gossipping about Geetu and Sameer’s nightly act.
I was placed with 2 girls from VC. I had met them only that day- they were the new joinees. As if someone had put a curse on my good time, soon Handa had started behaving obnoxiously. I had kept ignoring him. Obviously. He had stayed with one of his sisters..!! I had blatantly refused to be his sister or to stay with him. That had done it perhaps. In the evening, everyone was forced to drink before we hit the Dance- Floor. I had not- that must have fumed it.
Some apprehension was expressed by my room- mates and I had slept on the floor. The sofa’s seat was converted to a small bedding. Nevermind. The next morning, I had woken up early to click pictures. Loads of them. I had enjoyed one of my best times of my Life, walking through the clouds. The hotel itself was built beautifully. The original mountain rock too was preserved inside a glass room.
If you stand at the open terrace where they serve the breakfast till 10.30am, you could see yourself standing surrounded by mountains. If you look down, you would see Soon valley. Standing at that terrace, hearing the church bell while fog still covered that church was enigmatic. I still have an image captured in my mind. There were swings too. At one corner of that terrace, was a single dome, fort like construction. I have always wanted to have one of those in my personal estate 😀 I would sit for my evening coffees there.
Myriad colored flowers sprung around. The entire property was a paradise on the whole. White palace amidst the mountains. Serenely beautiful. Given an opportunity, I can spend a month there. Only a month- because my wish- list is rather log. I have may other places to stay in and feel good about.
Sanjay had as usual become his worst self after a couple of drinks. He had lifted me while I was still dancing. One tight slap had not made any difference. It had acted as a fuel. He had circled the whole of Dance Floor before putting me down. I had resigned to my room immediately.One of the girls, Preeti seemed to have become more cordial. My room- mates had asked me to share the bed with them. I had not. I had stayed on my make- shift arrangement.
The next morning was planned by a Devil. My stomach ached and I could barely move around. Maybe, my sub- conscious had known what was coming. I had stayed in my room. Geetu and Mansi had come in to check on me up. They were aghast to see me toiled on the floor. I had had enough till then. I had stopped reacting. Both the women had wanted to know if I had been to RM earlier..!!
If only someone could tell them that I didn’t earn enough. Perhaps, my boyfriend..? Why would I go out to earn then? Or maybe- Ralhan? That was it. In limp words, I was told that I either go and sleep with Handa or he travels this news. I had caught him off- guard when I had wanted to meet the one who claimed to have “seen” me, with him in that hotel or wherever- not that that was any of his business.
The same evening, Sanjay had again created a nuisance in the disc. Another of my slaps were planted. The shameless man he was, he had kept giggling. You maybe wondering- how could I still have gone to the disc. Really, can you say no while with office peers? Specially when the arc light focuses on you? A few of us were in disc- where were the couple again? The official couple and the brother- sister duo? he less I say here- the better that would be.
The nagging was still on. What for?
Ajay’s idea had fallen flat on his face. Sanjay had come to his true colors. “Olivia, you are all by yourself. There’s no one around that you are answerable to- why don’t you enjoy your Life a little more? If you have objections to Ajay being married, I am not..” An embarrassed me had sat quietly tying to understand those words. So had the entire room- not a single soul had spoken. If that was not enough, I was made to sing- “to break the ice” too.
At 19, I wasn’t really ready to handle such a tricky one. Just the mere remembrance is enough to put me to tears. Since Gursharan, Mamta, Shafali and Debjani had traveled last year, they had not joined us that year. All I had wanted was to reach home safe and sound. Ajay was pretty capable. What if he had arranged to force someone on me?
Preeti had come to my defense then. While travelling back, she had sat conversing with me. After knowing a couple of things, she had stood supporting me as a good friend would. Mansi had been almost over Ajay in her sleep. So was Ajay in his sleep. Ajay was sat between his 2 sisters. His hands definitely weren’t where a brother should place his. Ditto was while travelling to RM. Mansi had been most ashamed one to have seen the brother sister duo; what now? This is not even double standards, they were devoid of any.
Sahil had escorted me till my home. One another spineless colleague, he was moved to VC only after a few days, after I was shifted to HS. Sanjay was asked to report to VC too. At work, I had not talked to anyone. After observing me being silent for 2 days, Gursharan had nudged me. Both Deepak and Anshu were gone for their lunch. I had broken down badly. I could barely stop crying. That’s when he had promised me to stay friends.
He had held himself responsible for coaxing me to go over to see that lovely property (RM). Thereafter, he had proven to be my best friend. We were in touch till a few years back. It was after I got married, that I lost all my contacts with everyone around. I am still looking out for him.
Hopefully, someday I’ll crash on my friend again.
An orphan by identity, staying in a village, working in a five star hotel, trying to kick a loser out of my Life; I had learnt the art of putting up a facade all too well, a little too early.
I wasn’t shy but very hesitant. I could hardly enjoy the fact that I worked in a star hotel- a five star at that. I kept too occupied to think about such tertiary subjects.
I would often notice my peers trying to observe me. What was it? Did they take me for a native villager? Or were they too confused? None of them, excepting for Shafali, Debjani, Anil and Gursharan, had been even cordial, much less friendly to me. Mansi pretended to be good, she was 26 or 27- maybe. Short in height, she didn’t look her age; till you observe the dark circles and fine lines around her eyes. I was the youngest; yet, she had tried being around me- only to scratch my being soon. She and Geetu were best of pals..
A pool- side party was announced. That’s one party that would always remain fresh in my mind. I had enjoyed my time dancing at the party; and then Anshu’s mother had made her night colorful, interrogating me. Debjani had suggested that I invite Ralhan. I had. I had called up Nitin too, he had recognized my voice and had demanded to know why I had been missing. I had stayed indifferent. . All of us had invited our “esteemed” and “special” clients to that party. It was a party specially thrown for All Season’s Club members.
I had wore my black n white saree again. I could have worn my white saree that I had worn in Induction– but I had not. The pearls were sat on me. Ralhan had left after talking to me for sometime. That’s when as if a charged bull was left loose. I had danced till the last second on those retro raunchy numbers. Deepak and I had made a good Dancing Couple- only till there. Gursharan had maintained a low profile. We had danced on “Deewane, Deewane to Deewane hain..”
Neha’s clients too had come. Neha had conveniently fallen sick. Instead she had asked Deepak to take care of those members. What a farce that was..!! A glistening pool of water, illuminated with thousands of pedestal lights and tiny bulbs. All the palms were decorated as if they were about to be slaughtered. Handa was drunk silly- why else would he dance with me? I had remained sober.. WTH!!!!! !@$%#!#
I had then stayed with Anshu for the night. I couldn’t have traveled back home at mid- night. She stayed in East of Kailash. I was made to share the bed with her mother. To hell with Anshu and her M, the lady had kept me awake the whole night asking me questions. I am not exaggerating. It was whole of the night that she had wanted to know everything about me. Being inquisitive or curious was fine.. But keeping me awake till morning- not even dawn, wasn’t. She was a mother of two young girls; couldn’t she have been a little considerate..?
She had wanted to know all about my family, my father, my not wanting to settle down- my earnings.. Blah!! She had then compared me with some religious guru she followed saying he too was an orphan; so maybe, one day I’ll make as big as him.. Whatever..!! Just the mere thought of having spent that night with that lady makes me un- restful. This was in 1997, some 13 years back. Remember- I already said that women too have been pretty digging on me?
Sanjay had been as cheap as one could go. Since he had stayed in Calcutta, he considered himself as Bengali. He would sit just next to me while in EDR. After bearing him for a few days, I had walked out leaving my food. The message was not clear to him- still. I had escalated it to Gursharan- officially; after which, he was not to be anywhere around me. The verbal flirting had still remained on though.
Within a span of 10 odd months, so much had happened; as if I lived my mini- life. People, their queer thoughts and often their peculiar outlook- I was as if in the middle of an explosion ground, shifting just enough on time to prevent getting exploded myself.
Ralhan was getting close to me. He would often pick me up after my work and drop me home. He had never insisted on seeing my place or even going anywhere near. I would walk down from Kalyanwas crossing to my place. Oh, and wearing sari was completely forbidden. What crap- a man not appreciating a girl wearing formal saris when she could carry them with as much grace.
Poor fellow- I was reading him up close.
He had suggested that we go to Mussourie some time. I had agreed to. Fate had other plans in store. Carrying a huge air bag (only for 2 days stay), I had boarded his car DAJ 4255, a white Maruti 800. Damn my memory!! It was pretty late by the time we had decided to drive. it was decided that we travel in the morning. We had stopped at his friend- George’s place.
Both of the morons had gone off to snore soon. I had kept loitering around his house. Something just didn’t seem right. I wasn’t at all attracted to him- he was though- yet, he was far from making any commitment or proposal. He was much elder to me- but was getting a fair deal in me.
I was young, attractive, with good comm skills- just what else could he ask for at his age. He had wanted a dame who was smart, could carry herself well. I was again proving out to be a pretty doll. Moreover, I had become his lucky charm!! His private venture- his architecture ship had started to earn well for him. He dressed in formals, spoke well; wonder, why was he single till then. Then again, was he Single?
Next morning, he had spent half hour chanting after wash. His finger-rings were also taken off for some ritual..!! He wasn’t a pandit by religion, yet all such prayers. He would often tell me about a pandit (astrologer), who had told him to stay away from women on certain days. His Mondays used to be his stones purifying days. He wore a huge sapphire on his Saturn finger (middle finger- LOLsss)
He bought a Govinda Yellow Tee shirt from Benetton, while travelling. Drive was fun. I hadn’t really freaked out, only anticipating. What was I stepping into anyways? We all know what was to happen upon reaching the hotel. The beauty of the episode is that we never made it till any. The vehicle was stopped at the Tool Tax check point. As if they had read him too well. He was held for interrogation for almost half hour.
He had looked tensed. I had kept asking why it had taken long- to which, he replied nothing straight. I had suggested we rather go back.
We had stopped for food. Two men moved past us looking at us in a strange manner. I had asked Ralhan if they were the ones who had quizzed him at the check point. No sooner had we finished our food, they had pounced upon us. The story was out.
At the check point, he was held for Interrogation about my Identity. Clearly, age difference was apparent- but what was their business? He also seemed to have revealed that he worked with Northern Railways. To me, he only worked there on “hired for Project” basis. Otherwise, he was an Interior Designer or architect.
My mind had gotten clouded with queries. Why had he declared about his project work, instead of his business- which was his actual work? Why did he have to talk about his work/profession? Why was my Identity so important? Why couldn’t he fight it out?
We had traveled back and reached Delhi at around 3- ish in the midnight. Neither of us could go home. Instead we had gone to George’s home. He wasn’t home either. We had stayed in the car till morning. I had sat awake, maybe because I had slept in the car while traveling back. He had dozed off soon. No, he didn’t do anything funny at all. Now, isn’t that funny?
I had become as unrestful as never. I had been wanting to dig- up. Things weren’t as they seemed to be. Often some Mishra had answered my call whenever I called him up at his work. He was yet another middle- aged loser. This time, I talked to him for a little longer. I had managed to obtain the Office board numbers too. Till then, I had histhe direct number only.
I had started conversing with Mishra frequently. I had desperately wanted to dig the “truth”. One such conversation resulted me in going to his place. Right, to Mishra’s place. I now feel how much risk I had put myself into. That was not the only time though. He lived in some small flat in Naoroji Nagar (I am guessing- don’t remember well..) I had sat for some 2 hours maybe. Mishra had been happy welcoming me. He had thought that he had hooked me. Poor him.
The entire cat was out of the bag alongwith the siblings too. I had behaved as if nothing had happened. I had acted as indifferently as I could. I had managed to conceal the fact that I had dug out about him. Him, his family, his work and his wife too. Once again, he had not caused any harm to me or even otherwise; but the fact that he had omitted certain facts selecting them carefully, resulting to lying, had hurt me.
Maybe I had needed that. To understand men. To conclude that lying was their 2nd nature. I did not act eager anymore to see him. He had as if lost it- seeing that change in me. I had still kept our “friendship” up- who knows-when I would have needed some help..?
Moreover, I had wanted to learn to become indifferent- to be aware of the facts and yet act innocent.
There’s this website – http://www.petrix.com/.. Wait, don’t jump now. You’ll only make a fool of yourself. Read the following- before you check it out- you’ll love the experience.. 😉
I had stumbled upon one such, years back. A couple of days back; I had re- discovered one of those. Only to its disadvantage. After posting it to my FB, I had spent my 2 days recalling how I had uncovered their trick the last time.
While traveling for veggie- shopping and discussing that website with my Boss, it had struck me- again.
This site claims to be reading your mind. This is what they do-
Here- that’s how they play with our minds. I guess we should sometimes really not focus that close. It’s all in your mind. What they do is this-
Now comes the MAGIC part.. I am sure many like me must have cracked the code.. How in name of cyber virtuality does such site exist?
Follow the illustrations (and not the instructions. Don’t click anywhere- just keep scrolling)
Go check it out yourself how The MASTER wizard selects your card and removes it from the “pile”..
“Sanjay Mandal and Group” are a bunch of kids and youngsters, making music out of waste and discarded stuff..!! Broken Metal pipes, used mineral water bottles, metal tin cans, water dispensing bottles, chipps can container, metal pencil boxes, soft- drink bottle caps.. Don’t miss out on that conch blow with a piece of pipe!
Listening to their performance, I get transported to my childhood. These were the rhymes that mom often teased me with. She was my perfect sibling- she had often exceeded all sibling rivalry possible (I miss that and her). I had sat watching them on my TV like a fool, remembering my mom and her words. Their music moves me to tears no matter how many times I hear them. While uploading the videos, I have barely been able to stop crying. Each time that young kid spoke to poem, I got goose bumps all over. I had spent searching for their videos for over half hour- not even once I had let their music go off..
Surprising and sadly, they could not make it to the 1st three even.. It seems that since a Minister had graced the show; the particular state got to win. Whatever..!@%^@@$%
All the Best Wishes..
Edit- 1st February, 2011
I am Sanjay Mandal. I did not know that so many people love me and that they hold such high opinion about us.
I don’t know much about the internet and that’s what delayed my contacting you; apologies for the same.
And I observed that some people want to meet me, they want to take me in their program. I would also feel good if I could part-take in their program, meet them; but they have a different number listed against my name and I don’t know anything about them. When I called them, they said that if someone asks me, I should say that they happen to be my manager.
That’s precisely why, I Sanjay Mandal, ask for your apology for not having been able to meet you all and Thank you Olivia for honoring me so much.
It felt nice reading your comment here..
I thank you a lot that you made efforts in searching this post and putting across your words here.
Your performance was awe- inspiring; my vocabulary is limited to express my appreciation towards you all. I had my own doubts about that number listed and that’s why I had not included that in my post. Incase you would want to share any of your own numbers, please do send a mail. I will put your contact numbers up in my post- here.
I’ll translate both your and my comments in English so everyone gets to read it.
Sending you loads of love and warm wishes.
I had made it firm- in my mind. I knew that that was the only logical conclusion; one that was practical and the only possible one. There wasn’t any other option available anyways..!!
Weighing all the pros and cons; I had worn my Batik sari and reached Ruby’s place. Chhabi had welcome me opening the door for me. She had exclaimed that I had lost. Of course I had.. Ruby and auntie had been arranging for open terrace lunch upstairs. It was winters in December. Ruby had been expecting me- introducing me to her elder sister, she had vanished. Maybe to meet Sanjay.
It didn’t seem that I met Sarita for the 1st time then. She was a mother of maybe 3 year old and looked better than any of us did; when in her age that she was back then! After asking if I was comfortable talking to her about my personal stuff, she had then wanted to know if I had made any sort of “commitment” to that Blotch. Just exactly how it was; I had replied. It didn’t matter even if I had made one- he wasn’t the guy that I would want to know even as a distant acquaintance. Hearing me, she had seemed relaxed. She had repeated her question again just to be sure if I knew what I was speaking of.
We gelled around well- too well.. Touchwood. Didi was everything that I had always sketched about her in my mind and even more. Looking back at that instance; I pay gratitude to my fate for making me meet my idol and not disappointed. If at all, I was lucky to have come across her.
Taking the conversation further, I had also shared my apprehension of settling down (read: getting married). I so felt that getting married was like getting out of one ditch only to step into another one. “Mess” is the word, I had used to describe that. She had agreed.
I had become so shy in an instant. I had lost my smile and vivacity. I had sat at one corner upstairs and not spoken to anyone..!! Strange!! So strange of me..!! This is a sure sign that I am trying to get out of a situation and that nothing else mattered to me.
I have always been a happy-go-lucky girl 😀 Almost always. Any time I have behave indifferent; I have been saving myself to get healed. I giggle so much that anyone watching me would bet his life that I could be as serious as a dead man talking. My friends would stamp it. Ruby had seemed happy. Her eldest sister had talked good about me. For 1 big year, I had stayed in inferior conditions– much shameful to the core; but wasn’t affected a bit.
Didi had known well how to handle an emotional wreck. She had asked all questions that you would when dealing with your teenage sibling while making her see that how her present boy- friend was best left alone. I had to assert a few times that I was no ways involved with him emotionally.
Why was I to be? I’ll take crap from someone who fends for me- supporting me. Not from some un- educated lout who couldn’t stand his own state of being. Blotch had only needed someone to be dependent upon. He wasn’t favored at his parental home either. Who would? I would have felt guilty “conspiring at his back” if he had behaved a man enough earning his own finances to begin with.
The next morning, I had talked over with Ruby in the kitchen. Thats where there washing unit is now, before re-doing their house. I had discussed my apprehensions of getting married. In verbatim; Ruby I’ll do whatever you want me to, excepting getting married. For all these years, it had stayed in my mind as if I had given her a condition. After going through my own fateful marriage “deal”; I believe I had only tried to delay my Destiny. Good that Hemant was my own choice- I would have lost Ruby forever otherwise.
It was decided then that I looked for a decent earning job. Change my place of residence and out of Trans- Yamuna area. No Blotch, no masi, no uncle, no friends- none following me down.
After my stay for a couple of days, I had gone back. Blotch had heaved a sigh of relief! He had not known that that was a facade put up for him to get mis-guided. I had tried to talk to him about a few things. Like changing the place of residence, looking for a job and I changing my name. He couldn’t even pronounce it- much less approve it. Oh yes, he lived under an impression that He need to approve of everything for me. Whatever..!!
Ruby had suggested I did that. I had at once agreed. My mom had always wanted me to be Olivia and not “my previous name”. With the help of that slight nudge, I had morphed into my mom’s daughter completely. I had changed my signatures, my introduction and my identity.
Even so, when none of them were around me to prove my legality. That I am a human and a woman was denied many a times. People, relationships, associates and everyone else around have always wanted to know everything about me. After hearing they have silently backed off; often back stabbed too.
My travel wasn’t going to be anymore easier. With my kind of strict adherence to disciplines; I was just about to make my Life even more thorny. As a rose dwells amidst the thorns and sits pretty spreading it’s sweet fragrance around; I had then decided to use every stone as a stopple of opportunity. To use all of those to my advantage and move UP.
I was stepping into a live arena, where I had to stay up at nights too. I had to watch my back all times because no one dared to come at face. (all puns intended) Once they ejaculated, that’s when I had given them a doze of Indifference. One that they would never be able to come to terms with.
I am a thunder- I have been lightning..
I am roaring and now reaching..
It doesn’t matter who I strike..
‘coz once I do, I’ll claim his Life..
I have spent ONE LONG HOUR doing absolutely nothing this evening. No phone calls, no blogging, no reading, no talking- just sitting pretty..!!
Just another regular visit to my dentist. After one root canal, I have become as cautious as a Pigeon (yeah them 😀 ) I fly over the moment there’s a slight whisper- much less a sound. Well, I had to wait there for my turn for complete 60 minutes.
I felt so pushed on the edge that I had wanted to strike a conversation with my neighbor in an instant. That lady may have been my age if not older. Wearing a white salwar suit, she had covered her jaw with the corner of her dupatta (stole)!! Her toe nails were painted and had resembled what a KG standard kid would draw if asked to. All different shapes and sizes. Slippers were no great shakes..
I turned around to look at that elder lady who had come out of the clinic. She wore a beige cotton suit- not bad! I couldn’t guess her age- may have been 50- ish. Her toe nails were not painted- she wore slippers again and 2 gold bangles. Her complexion reflected on her regular facial massages. Face brighter than the lower neck 😀 Bearable still.
A sibling duo had sat opposite me, observing a Black horizontal striped T- shirt wearing dame. Ouchh, that dame had blonde hair and wore green sandals alongwith her denim short- skirt. That’s my uniform 😀 I have always loved wearing frocks and skirts. While I have to get back in shape to wear the Fs, Ss are the ones I am most comfortable in. Depending on the occasion, the top chosen completes a formal or semi- formal look. Casual is not me..
That young girl was obese- I had almost wanted to tell her to lose. It becomes tricky with passage of time. Ask me-
There was a young couple sitting diagonally across. The man was drooling all over the lady. So was the woman. That wasn’t intentional- that’s how their mannerisms are. Most of the locallites here have made it big by selling their lands; however, their habits and learnings still have remained rural.
All she may have been taught is to how to cook, sew and bring up kids. She wore a salwar suit and was sat how we would if only wearing jeans. I wonder- if we would still- unless we are exhausted and lost. She would often place her hand on that man’s calf. I had wanted to take her to a finishing school immediately. Had she been hired as my maid- I would have changed her genes for all times to come. That’s right. Ill- bred was the word. You still wondering why such strong words..
Here- in no time had her first leg gone up the seat. She had kept fiddling with her toe- nails till she decided to lift her other leg too. She had then decided to tap the sides of the seat. This had went on till she was called in for her turn!!
Watching her, I had felt so sick. They say marriage takes you way up as an elder- here are my doubts.
A fine looking lady had entered. Her teenage boy wore glasses. Fair complexioned- their talc or deo had whiffed good. She wore a Black and white suit. The young boy was busy playing with cellphone. I wondered what her age could be. If this guy was 11- 12, she may be anywhere between 35- 40. She looked elder yet very sophisticated. Her nails were painted; with 2 gold bangles, one on each of her wrists. She had stayed perfectly maintained and calm. Class speaks- thank you.
Outside, across the road, a man had squatted on the open grass, barren plot. It was sunny, on a connecting road, in everyone’s eye- view another lout had sat down to !$@#@. No points for guessing- Pee.. Eeeks.
I feel so embarrassed to be a citizen of a country where the Common Man and his conveniences are ignored. I fail to understand just why are we jumping high and low about Common Wealth Games? CWG is nothing but- Playing Games with Common Man’s Wealth.
That Dove perched on the Cable Wire seemed more at peace. Looking around and having felt disgusting (perhaps- most likely to be), she had flew away. I guess these cooing wonders are more blessed. They shift the moment they sense discomfort.
Oh my turn. Five minutes. Nothing but a panic attack- it seemed. I was sent home. 😀
Travelling though the mountains of mud and stone and diving through the potholes and puddles, I had reached home just on time to type this. I am going to watch TV now.
All I now need is Large amount of whirls that would elevate my status like what happened after Samudra Manthan.
Had this churning not happened, no one would have known of these episodes ever; of the things that have happened to me. I would have gone un- noticed. I would have been left with that mix of ugly and good for all times to come. The dirt is what I am writing about in my biography.
I have been churned well, having made to go through all the idiocities for enough number of years. I have been given enough nonsense and yet “expected” to behave. Every relationship has its expectations and demands. I have lost all to fulfill any of these. The only way to hold me is to understand my things and appreciate them. By letting me be.
After having taken everything in my stride; now is the turn for the nectar.
My success and glory would let me drink from that ewer.
The fact that I Blog and that my real life friends read me, or even that, that I am making friends with fellow bloggers in this virtual world; I have been calling for it for a very long time now. My mom had once mentioned that perhaps I have the ability to communicate with the forces of the Nature..
So have my close friends said- as the phrase goes that “my tongue maybe black”. It is believed that whenever someone with “black tongue” speaks, the words spoken, often take shape as mentioned in reality..!!
I am yet to conclude whether it’s my Mind, my Will or my Ability (to change) that has sustained me so far. Post by post as my Biopic Log would unfold, my readers would realize my walk through the impossible terrain. The zig- saw puzzle, the twists, the maze; all are so fitted in my Life- course that I often laugh wryly about it now- I write that in my perfect senses.
My Fellow Bloggers would be able to relate to this better. I had started with a Blog wherein I used to put my thoughts about this Society. The 1st post was My Story. After a while I had felt the need to segregate my biography from that Blog. While importing (the data) to this Blog, that page also traveled and was “promoted” as the 1st chapter of my biography. The 1st of My Biopic Log’s chapter- co- incidence?
Soon I had wanted to collate my poems and dreams into a different Blog. FYI, each time you create a Blog, unless you are old enough, it takes a huge amount of writing, commenting (on others’ blog) and efforts before you notice traffic. The same happened to my 3rd Blog. I had as if single mindedly concentrated that maybe something should happen whereby, the Poem Blog itself gives me a huge traffic good enough for all the three. My Biopic Log (this one) is my Primary Blog. So expecting traffic so soon on the other one was like asking for the moon.
And then.. Jingle had picked me up, inviting me to participate in the Blog Rally. I had read about that at Time- thief’s site. She has an enormous site comprising of enviable knowledge about Blogging. She is a woman too :D. Of all the posts, I had managed to read about Blog’s Carnival right on time- or else, I would have taken that Invitation to be a Spam Link..!!
Yes. I have come across such talented Bloggers; reading whom I feel I have lost some precious years keeping myself out of this Application. My Dear Fellow Bloggers, you know, I am referring to you. For Readers, they are the ones who comment on my Blog no sooner it is published (making me feel embarrassed about their Love and commitment. See, I know the words and their application too)
All I had ever wanted is some support, standing by and not those blood suckling damned relationships. Many of you would say that this is shallow. Well, then what else does a guardian do? He just shows you the way, letting you walk on your own, exploring on your way. Only a kid oblivious to all is hand- held and walked. That’s what I feel about relationships. Crippling and tiring investment of futile emotions and vested interests.
Knowledge is best- shared and linked.
Mom often said “A book is an open window“. Here I am, keeping the pledge I made to her in that poem. I am concentrating as steeply as one can.
I had so wanted to write- since my childhood. I had harbored that thought that I’ll do that someday with much élan. I am well versed with the fact that I have huge miles to travel before I say- I WRITE. This is exactly where I am communicating with the forces around me to support my being.
Nature does reciprocate. You need to stay put your focus and concentrate at that just that point to achieve what you wish to.
They say that at any given point of time, “spirits” surround us from all sides . Spirits being that, they are free of any limitations. They can what’s beyond us. The dreams, imaginations and musings- that’s how they act. Our minds can barely conceive such levels of thoughts. They are free form of energies- without any direction.
Let me now concentrate and channelize these forces to create patterns for Me.
To say that my Intuition is strong, would be an understatement. Precognition/Premonition comes easy to me.
One of my avid readers and my ex- peer had commented asking about spirits. That’s where I thought of writing about them too. This one is only a small Introductory opening about THOSE. I have mentioned about “a voice over my shoulder” a few times already in my posts.
These may have been a very minor depictions or simple stances to write about; I have some bigger incidences too- that can best be labeled as Paranormal.
Besides that theory I practice- that the thoughts create an immense force- field; there have been instances that have left me spell- bound. Almost like a communication with para- normal.
There, I have mentioned about that Dream in my Dream Blog. I had dreamt of that every night till I reached 5 years of age. The last time I had dreamt of that “Oldman”; the dream was kind of long. Hold On- I have dreamt of the 2nd part, only a couple of weeks back..!!
Since childhood, I have been kept protected- by mom- who else? She had harbored a faith that reading “An autobiography of a Yogi”, I may end up renouncing this world. If at all, it was after reading this book, that I had wanted to compile my autobiography. I was only 6- 7 years of age.. 😀
More often than not, I predict before storms would burst. That night too, I had sensed of that thunder storm to be whirling around. I had sent a text saying “Lightning” (only) to my boss.
In lighter words they say that I get what I want. In other words- I do communicate with “forces” inconceivable by most of us. The last time I did that to myself was when my several years of left arm pain was diagnosed to be only as Mystalgia..!!
I don’t watch horror movies at all- I actually feel haunted. If I step in, while you may be in the middle of planchette, the activity would soon halt. I have seen those happening in numerous ways- from a distance. No sooner I step closer, it ends.
I stay completely alone- so I ought to be pretty brave- what say? In winters, I often step out in dark, and move around at the upstairs terrace for long time. (In summers, opening the door or walking at nights would mean, inviting to play with creepy crawlies- arrrgh) I am most comfortable when pitch dark. I don’t feel scared or unfamiliar.
Maybe practice.. maybe it’s all within me..!!
My mom had encountered a few of those when she lived in Calcutta. I have almost walked through cemetery several times. I feel; it’s most peaceful there.
About that voice over my shoulder, I feel there’s a cute Devil that sits on my shoulder- often on the left one- guiding my ways. Anytime I have ignored its voice, I have been in problem. Like a complete force, it speaks giving my mind an idea which may seem highly illogical. I try and argue and it fights again. Thereafter it goes quite. That’s the time when I try to listen to what it has warned or instigated me for. So far, it has stayed devoted. (I hope he would feel better tonight since I am dedicating this post to him)
We all love to dominate and who doesn’t like to rule? But, to be able to control one’s Destiny is what I am wanting to master at. I may have also, to a certain degree- but the bigger chunk is yet to come. I feel it’s about time. Someday sooner than later, I would refer to this post that this is where I have mentioned that I had felt “it” was coming.
That voice is growing stronger day-by-day. I now feel it’s time for me to evolve, to evolute and to float around. Only future time would tell in what way that would be.
About “Spirits” and my encounters with those- let me try to take them out of my Memory Bank.
They have spent enough time playing hide n seek there.
Till such time, refer to this one- My Ganshu Darling- II.1. Those pics were clicked while I was sat in pitch dark room without electricity..!! (You see those 😉 )
Last night, it had poured and rumbled..!!
No sooner I had updated my FB status as “It’s pouring- hippos and rhinos..!!”; the electricity had zapped..
A huge flash of lightning and then everything had gone pitch dark.. and then- huge grumbling of thunders.
It hasn’t been as scary since last so many monsoons. It’s almost Autumn or Fall, as the major part of the world refers to it as. It’s been raining like maybe competing with a Rain- forest. The house I stay in, is all glass as walls. I had sat stuffed up like a homeless wet bird in a lotus posture. With no lights, what else I could do?
While meditating, I had thought of viewing a lightning from a close angle. How would the flash be? The color, the feel and the sound..!! Would it give out sparks or would that be mystic to feel around? Would that be a streak of light or would that envelope me from all sides..? There, as an instant reply, I had felt as if I was really struck by a lightning.. and I had come back.
The intervals had shortened between two thunders. I had sat on that diwan bed under the handcrafted God effigy wall- hangings. The whole of the house floor would lit up for few seconds, before the glass panes would beat against the aluminium framings. I was both enjoying and somewhat awestruck too. It was a sheer delight, to watch a raw and passionate side of lightning streak through the horizon from up somewhere there and touch some ground behind the buildings.
Light thunders do happen all the time. I have watched those many a times. This was different. First a long strain of illuminated energy, followed by- almost overlapping blinding flash in my house and then, a huge roar after a couple of seconds. I had tried to control my urge to go out in open to seek its source and get struck by one. Instead, while meditating, I had felt more intensely nudged to touch that brilliant energy streak. What form of energy was that again- Plasma?
Why weren’t we taught in Physics class back in school? Whatever, it was, it definitely wasn’t a solid or a liquid or even gaseous.. Nevermind them.
If I were to look at the lightning straight, it was fiery red- and fiercely blinding. Just looking at that flash was like experiencing out of the world waves in mind. Very alienated- pushing me to discover more about them. This wasn’t the 1st time I had felt that- only that now I blog and so sharing about how I felt- yet again.
It wasn’t a Ray of Light, but an all consuming energy source emitting energy fields; the frequencies of which were beyond my capability to read. The sound of that striking was mightier than anything we might hear or have heard already. It was as if a Radio Broadcast from the space. Echoing and yet resonant- Dolby or surround sound seemed to be too minute in comparison. While echo loses its intensity till the last wave, the thunders maintained its magnanimity till the last crash.
Each spark had generated fury of desires in me- to feel them, to hear them more, to lose myself searching their source. My heart would skip a beat. My hair would raise. My stomach would belch. I would exclaim. With each flash of thunder; I had experienced a magic being created.
Were they actually a broadcast- from outer world, or galaxy or maybe universe? Maybe the supernaturals are the aliens and hence far more superior. We all romance with the idea that the outer- world beings maybe more stronger than us- in terms of knowledge and technology.
What were they trying to convey anyways? That we have all gone beyond sanity to achieve our far ambitious desires? That we ourselves created terrorists? That we maybe resorting to obnoxious practices in name of getting entertained? That we as humans are again going back to our “wild” ancestral mannerisms?
With our dreams to travel all around- aren’t we becoming nomads again? With more perks instead of hard cash, aren’t we getting back to barter system? With no amount of commitment in relationships; aren’t we displaying our animal affiliations of mating and moving? Only that, that even with all this- no one dares to agree to it. He would prefer reflecting upon our (not anymore) civilized ways. That’s where it hurts. Pseudo culture, show- biz, hypocrites, criticism, and the mother of all- the Corruption; no one in his sane head would agree that we have not graduated from the cave- men era yet.
My wanting to blend with the Nature at its wild; too reflects that that’s where we all belong- then why this facade..? Look at the lightning flash- anywhere it goes, it stays true- Roaring, destructing and scaring everyone and all. Could it be a group of human having achieved super- conscience?
While it had rained like all the water- falls of this world were squeezed within a kilometre radius; I had only sat and wondered. About Me, Nature and knowledge.
I wish to know all about the nature, space and spirits.
We know that already, don’t we..?
Since it’s a SPAM, we tend to forget all about it. So, instead of just clicking Spam, delete it thereafter. Or else, each time you login, it’ll keep showing a Spam Mail/Comment count. We still know it.
Even Spams add to the bulk. They don’t deserve any space within your account/mailbox. Spam is a spam, delete it. Do not wait for one lazy day to do it. Neither would that “lazy” day happen; nor would you clean the Spam Box. But then why would you want to clean-up on a lazy day anyways- making yourself slog to read through the old Spam mails- atleast the subject? You don’t wish to check the cellphone SP or your Bank as Spam. There, you may have a couple of important mails tucked into that folder.
“Spam” love to comeback like your that loser boyfriend. Deal with it now. Really, they have a knack of flashing back exactly when you think it’s over. I am referring to both Spams and the Losers! Often a few IDs get checked as Spam ( 😦 ) You would only notice that if you keep your Spam folder empty- otherwise, it won’t really make a difference while Spam numbers going from 1038 to 1308. Likewise, you don’t want those sour people to move around fixing you up for an embarrassment because of their ways, using your name.
Oh, at times, Spams do fizzle out and get posted as a nice comment there. Ouchh!! Keep the option of moderating each and every comment, reserved to yourself.
Need I say that the same needs to be done with the old mails too..? The commercials, forwards and pass it on to… or else; they all need to leave now. Make that space empty for the newer and bulkier attachments..
All the best Cleaning old- junkie.. You would discover some beautiful “to be stored” mails. If in case you have forgotten about a few of those; well then, get rid of those. The chances are that you may end up forgetting all about those again.
Like we clean our garbage bin; do so with the Spams too. That necessarily may not be the Gmail Spam Box or the WP Blog Comment Spam; it applies directly to your lifestyle, your mind. The more cleaner you keep, the more healthy your account would remain. Keep yourself neat of all the offshoots.. Clutter..
Your email accounts and other profiles, computer desktop, kitchen shelves and your Work- Table; those just reflect on your outlook and how you treat people and relationships..!!
Step out of the mess..
*** WOW ***
Ponder about this, the before- thoughts:
Now figure this:
Wouldn’t you feel good and even happier doing all of that the whole day..? Doesn’t small things count then..?
Why do we keep waiting for a “bigger” reason to celebrate? If you are so unhappy, go renounce the world. Strive to attain enlightenment. Or else and till such time, try and enjoy every single moment. We often look over what we have to feel miserable about what we don’t! How nice is that?
Look around, no matter how harsh the weather keeps; the moment it rains, the greens sway in joy. They don’t grow bitter and stand stiff against the breeze. They shower themselves in that rain- no matter however strong the fall may be or however light the drizzle may be. It changes its sway accordingly. Standing still and not stiff in heavy downpour and moving its branches while under a drizzle.
Enjoy every bit of your Life- now this is where I would say- Move On..!! Remember; being a kid, how a simple chocolate or your fave cartoon brightened up your days? How desperately you looked forward to watch TV again after exams? You are the same old (I mean grown- up; no offense meant :D) girlie; why don’t you now look forward to a weekend to enjoy a lazy morning? Perhaps a session at salon too..?
It’s all in your mind and attitude.
Try to freak out. Don’t carry the hurt. The reasons don’t make you feel happy- that’s momentary. You have to be at peace within yourself to feel happy. Bliss is all around- just change your glasses. How the traditional Indian homemakers try to find happiness in something as necessary an act as cooking. They may not be educated or even getting their spouse’s attention. Yeah that’s sad- but then, we have a lot to learn from them. How they marvel at creating their own niche and stay contented within..!!
You don’t have to cage yourself within limitations. Rather set yourself free of the tag of a “bigger” moment. Don’t forget to rejoice and love yourself. It’s your Life. Don’t let petty things affect your smile. Let your universe create a better world for you.
Change your attitude bit by bit and you would feel of a stronger energy reciprocating to your desires. If no logic helps you understand; keep in mind the Newton’s III Law of Motion.
Every action has its Equal and Opposite Reaction
Think about everything cheerfully. Smile more often. Laugh like nobody’s business. Stop hating others- it takes a lot of time and ugly thoughts to harbor that feeling- not worth. Moreover, what goes around, comes around.
If simpler things don’t please you; nothing else would too.
Now this is what I call a Purrrrfect Sunday Morning.. Life isn’t all that bad after all. I guess we keep waiting for a “Big” and better opportunity to feel happy. Ignoring completely what we have- every small thought counts.
At 1pm, this is what I did since morning.
I was tucked in my bed well before 12 in the midnight instead of my usual 2am..!! Lazing through a sexy rainy morning, I woke up at 10. Right on time to watch “my” Ben 10 at CN. Oh yes, I love watching cartoons. It’s become a ritual to watch that since the last few years. Details would come up in another post.
At 11am, I had stepped out in the Living Room veranda for some gardening. It was so chillingly cold- it’s only September..!! I took out the dried leaves from caladium while getting wet. Even though it was raining light then, the breeze had showered tiny droplets all over my back and head. The feeling was Divine. If only I had not washed my hair yesterday evening, I would have stayed there a-la-Titanic and drenched myself.
For breakfast, I had prepared Tikki Chaat/Salad. Sorry, I was starving and so missed clicking a pic 🙂 While eating, I had thought of Amanda- my Blog- friend. She prepares good food and writes too well. No sooner I had switched on my Computer after the breakfast- there, Amanda’s comment was sat on my Blog.. wowie..!! Telepathy- I guess.
Since 10, I had been procrastinating going downstairs to pick my Newspaper up. Almost as an impulse forcing me; I had gotten up, lit up the gas burner, placing some water to boil for coffee and had headed downstairs. I knew it was raining; yet, I had gone down without covering my head.
I had stood there at the connecting door leading to stairs thinking how to step out. A grin had flashed my face soon. The remaining sun- mica sheets from the wood- work done in February, were still standing under the stair-case. I had picked up a big sheet and patted it clean.
Holding that sheet up my head, to save myself from getting wet, I had walked towards the gate. There, my soggy newspaper was breathing its last. I picked that up balancing that sheet with one hand. It was breezing pretty heavy. It was tricky holding the sheet with one hand- above the head (and not on the head) and bending to pick up the newspaper with another.
Walking back; I had smiled like a fool 😀 I wondered what all of them must have thought of me; whoever had watched i.e., I am sure, I was no less than a ticket- less show for their mornings. Like- whatever..!! (back to my post)
I have placed the newspaper at the pedestal outside my main door and brought the Brunch in. I like reading that- no matter what. That too has become a part of my Sunday Ritual. Just emptied a big mug of coffee in my Birthday Mug. Talked over the phone with Sophie, discussed Life, making her envy of the lovely weather here.
Again, the tap water is running chilly today. That’s not an exaggerated expression- it is actually shockingly cold. Showering under that cold water, it felt, as if I was under a waterfall- now that’s an exaggeration expression.
Now this is what I call a perfect Sunday Morning..
It’s orgasmic- if not more. Happy Sunday..!!
You are because of what you were
Move On.. Don’t look back.. Forget It..!! Few of the phrases often misunderstood and mis- implied.
When someone asks you to look ahead, that doesn’t mean that you don’t watch your steps. Well, if you don’t- you know you are bound to tumble over and may even fall and earn an injury.
There’s no way to walk, other than keeping connected to the “ground”
Think of how a visually challenged man holds a stick to place it firm on the ground. He uses that to “connect” to read and understand the things in his immediate surroundings. Just how do you think he could walk otherwise?
To climb a mountain, you would have to start from the bottom. Even if you were a bird; you would have to still sail upwards- constantly.
Our Life too is multi- dimemsional
Our present is a direct outcome of our actions in the past. How we may have handled our situations or even developed our “outlook” would stand to affect our present and hence the future to come too. It can’t be referred to as limited or constricted to “today”. It will stretch its shoots in the past. At other times, the past may be stronger than your “present” and hence stretch the shoots on its own. Worst, its fragments may lay embedded in your Life for all times to come..
Move On.. Don’t look back.. Forget It..!! How are we doing it then?
Probability and Permutation Combination
Unfortunately I had hated those chapters. For some reason, I was never able to solve those “sums”. Incidentally, I could demonstrate the understanding and adapt those chapters- in my Life, a little too well. Try and look into the situation again. From all the angles possible. Imagine how your best friend may have reacted!! How you would have handled it for her?
Remember how we experimented to analyze the Chemistry Practical salts?
Check on why you fell prey to that crap- to begin with. What were your shortcomings? Going forward- How you could avoid those limitations to re- appear?
Was that your fault..?
If you answer that honestly, you would often get an “Yes”. The more “Yes” you get; the more Intelligently you maybe handling yourself.
Change is the only constant
We aren’t perfect. We weren’t born that way. To be able to achieve a level of perfection; is also an art. You know you have mastered the Art when you learn to evolute constantly. The moment you stop saying “it’s good enough”, you would be thrown back. By the time you recover, you would have been left far behind.
Move On.. Don’t look back.. Forget It..!! Is it really as simple as that?
Face, acknowledge and deal with it. Once having done that, you would become indifferent. “Taking in one’s stride” happens at this level. Remember- your parents often made you stand in dark for you to grow out of fear for dark? Copy that again.
Black is when there’s no light. Mystery is till it is unresolved. Go ahead- resolve it. It’s your Life and it’s about you. Play it well. Forgive yourself- you’ll be at peace.
Try and recall everything without getting hurt. Do that as many times as it takes. You are bound to become Indifferent and Resistant.
Maybe crocodiles are the best example here.
They have crawled the face of earth since a very long time. Through all ages and seasons possible. How? By constantly adapting themselves and not crib about the change.
Courage, strength and endurance doesn’t mean the level of bearing it- but the level of tolerating it- remaining completely unaffected. Become Tensile and not remain an Elastic alone.
There’s the Body, essence, meaning, metaphors, similes.. Likewise, sketch one or more for your Past instances too.
Don’t become a patient- become a carrier..!!
The one who is a carrier may still have the virus in his system; but remains unaffected. A patient is the one who gets infected and affected too. Snake, Scorpion- they carry the venom and sting- how many times have they killed themselves over?
Past is important
From childhood to growing up to .. how come it could be squeezed in “today” alone? How would a plant stand tall without embedding its roots? The deeper that goes, the taller and stronger does a tree stand.
Conclusion: Learn to live with it. Making it friends. How would have you become wiser then? The more grounded you remain, the more firmly you pace yourself..!!
This is about yesterday- 17th September, 2010
Whatever the reason may have been or not, I had kept blushing. Then again- I am 33 now! Am I suppose to- still..?
Almost under an impulse I had taken out that green “mis- matched” shirt to wear. Designed by me, it’s a rare piece of appliqué..!! All the 3 main blocks stitched, are from different lengths. 1 of them is what dad had brought as sample from his office- NTC some 20 years ago, if not more 😀
So what about that shirt? I was able to wear it this time. It’s only been 10 days since I have been riding “high” on my bike– not a bad return of my workout, not at all ! 10 days back, I couldn’t wear that. Only the previous night, I had dreamt that I had lost inches (!!) and was moving around the house fretting how loose my outfits had become. I wore a green blouse in that dream 🙂 Just look at my pics- I am completely red in my face- 🙂 Usually that happens after a couple of Vodkas.. 🙂
I had gone out to shop for veggies from the local market in the afternoon. That’s when I had clicked myself 🙂 I wore a green shirt yesterday, as I had in that dream too; fitting in gracefully! Don’t congratulate me yet- I have a long way to go- I mean loose..
I have decided once and for all times to come; to stick to my red- lipper even while wearing green. Big Deal! I’ll only resemble a direct cousin of that of a parakeet.
I was so chilled and thrilled, that in one shot, I had concluded the last 2 posts of an ugly chapter of my Biography.. Now I would be moving through the ups and downs till I again get caught in a mess. But before that, many more men, their mannerisms and some very forgettable instances to come; only the memories have stayed with me till now.
Like one of my friends- Monika says- Stay Blessed you all.
I still spent my weekends at masi’s place often. Once it so happened that during my stay, Runa had come over with Pradeep (her husband). She had as if completely ignored my greeting her. She had reacted as if I was one menial trying to seek her attention uselessly.
The following morning, she had taken me to task.
After masi had left for her work, I had tried to catch up with my cousin sis. I had kept somewhat disturbed because of her ignoring me. We had sat on their Dining Table Chairs just outside the Kitchen. It was a small gallery like area just before the hand- pump in the adjoining veranda leading to the back door. That was for the upstairs tenants.
Runa had not replied to any of the pleasantries that I had tried to initiate to break that awkward silence. She had demanded to know that since how long I had been staying there. Like an idiot that I was, I gave her all the details of how I spent my off days with my masi- her mother.
With utmost rudeness and hatred; she had then enlightened upon the fact that how she had hurriedly gotten married to give her parents some peace and space with each other. My stay over at Runa’s maiden home was nothing but an intrusion in her parents’ privacy.
I had gotten up quietly and packed up my stuff without any word after that. The 1st floor Kakima who was their tenant, had come down to inquire about what had happened. She had overheard talking Runa with me in a very low pitch but not volume.
Only one more time I had gone to her place thereafter. Blotch had sent me over to patch up. Reason- there wasn’t anything to spend on food. Despite my resistance, I had still gone. Good that I had. Mesho had answered the back door and said that masi wasn’t home.
I had vowed to never go to my masi’s place ever again. So my dying mom was right after all. Even within her last few breathing seconds, she had made me wiser with some of the greatest learnings of her Life. Soon to become the truth of my Life too.
To this day, that learning has stayed with me. Loyal to me. After 15 years, I may have been able to type the essence in as many words. Back then, it was far confusing. Clashing with how it was supposed to be otherwise. Completely alien and unheard of. As children, how many of us have faced such naked and raw truths?
Were we expected to even?
Even though the learning had stayed with me ever since, I was barely able to stitch them together in words, for others to hear and understand. They were too bare and brutal, to be even talked about; much less openly.
Ruby had felt that pang in me and had wanted me to change. She now understands that that remains as my nondetachable twin. If at all; in the past few years, it has grown in me and is still growing on me.
Perhaps the “faults” lay in me- maybe.
As a defense Technic, I had killed my vivacious self within, in no time. The more I kept quite and forgettable; less curiosity I rose amongst people. Them around me had taken to my “Minding my own business” look kindly. At work I was considered as a serious employee. Till it had turned towards being snob, high up attitude, Blah..!!.
I had not known that I was becoming a strategist in my own “world”. I had learnt the rules a little too early and without much damage. Or may I say that I had managed to stay un- affected? I was mastering the art of becoming a silent observer and making notes. So I could use them to my advantage at a later time- if need be.
Sadly, anywhere I have tried to play with mind/heart/or whatever instead of with strategies; I have failed- miserably. So this is my 4th and 5th lesson –
To stay focussed and play to the Gallery..
Or else- quit.. So far, I haven’t. My each day is as it comes to me. Uncalculated, non- cognitive and highly adventurous. My one single hot- headed move can put my existence and survival well below the starting point. Lets not get there now- that would come up in the posts to come anyways.
I had stopped visiting masi for all times to come. Atleast that’s what I had decided then. Reserving one time to go back and pay her help back. Why? Because if my mom being her real sis had returned her help, I was to only abide by that. Masi had helped mom once- that was maybe when my dad was struggling to look for a job. An instance shared by mom and then later confirmed by masi.. Mom had deposited that money in masi’s a/c since she had refused to take that back.
Lets not forget that if only I had stayed with my masi, I would have been able to save my mom’s jewellery. An abortion. My stay with a loser- Blotch and loads of other mis- happenings. The money could have then be utilized to complete my 3rd year too. Nevermind.
As I always say, God watches over me. My course still awarded me an enviable certificate of successfully completing my 2 years.
I don’t know of how I know this- her son was born the same year when I worked with Hotel Siddharth, on 7th August. That way, she would never ever be able to forget me. My DOB is 11th August. Years later, in 2001, Maya had bumped into me. I had gone to Lakshmi Nagar to collect my suit given over for stitching. She had expressed concern- really and had wanted me to go over to my masi’s place. Although I had asked her not to speak a word about me- because I didn’t want to be talked; she had done what suited her mind. Vomited my meeting her on the road.
Once I had spotted my masi crossing the road from the bus stop; I had stepped back to escape her eyes. Ditto one another time with Anup Patra too. They were all around to load me with their sermons. No one had wanted to bear my load of responsibility.
This is exactly where I feel that I have lived my Life. That there’s no more to experience.
I am not in a position to experiment- anyways.
men, men and more of them.. all of them!! You noticed that right- beginning the 1st word with a small alphabet- that’s all they have earned from me.
So far, all of them have proven their genes- each one of them. Without any exception. Teachers, seniors, Peers, ex- colleagues, and all the relationships so far- every one of them. I have my own reasons to feel bitter about this species! Not that the woman were any better.. only Ruby being the exception.. Is their any smiley to express smirk..? May be this
As I write this today, I have a huge friend list on FB. All of them collected over last so many years. I had lost touch with everyone. I had my priorities to sort out. I am glad and thankful to each one of them to have connected back. Most of them read my Blog too (and don’t comment- grrrr!!). Ruby being the only one who has been with me in almost all the situations- making me believe in her. At times, even more than my ownself.
No one had stayed in touch with me- no names being included. Neither had anyone stepped out of their comfort zone to feel for me- even on a sympathetic level. Ruby is my age. Then, was a student just like me and trying to work, managing affair with her boy- friend (now her husband) and also work things out for me.
The amount of respect I have, I see her on a pedestal always. I don’t equate her with me. She is far superior. I fail to treat her as my friend- she had been my parent. In One girl, I have lived all of the blood relationships possible. Within seconds she had flipped over from being a friend to guardian, to defender, to companion..
She has raised the level of “friendship” and “relationship” to such a high level that placing anyone around in my sane senses, is out of all questions.
Blotch had been keeping out most of the time. That year he had kept himself at a distance around my birthday. I had traveled to ITO to meet him. That’s where he stayed in ICCR staff quarters. His father was a Security Guard- a fact established much later. He had handed over some 11/- bucks as my birthday present.
You get the idea now..? About him and his mannerisms? Are you able to place him now..? Not locate him but understand? He was a Garhwali boy, with a strong accent. Oh no, I am not going to describe him- he doesn’t deserve that space; he has taken more words for himself as it is. Those 11/- bucks had as if imprinted the agony- in very strong words, in my mind.
I was growing up and so the distaste for him and his habits. I had never been fond of him anyways- yet..!!
I had completed my 2nd year and with merit points. I was more busy looking for alternatives. For a better life- style and a job..!!
Like the previous year, he had been missing that year too on Divali. His father had made him sit for booze- was his excuse. So the relationship he used to harp about, while pressing me for getting married to him, was only a crap!!
Why not? A better looking girl, well- educated and not with any familial support for her to lean upon; what better than taming her for bringing him up? He had wanted a mother- one who could cook for him and look after him like a helpless baby. Needless to say, that mother would also slog to earn for her baby.
Just when I had given up all hopes of getting away and out of that mess; Ruby had appeared again. I was stood on my bed trying to clean that slab type shelf when I had turned to see 2 pairs of eyes watching me in amusement. Sanjay had taken Blotch to the adjoining Hall to chat about “manly” things and Ruby had stayed in my room to brain- wash me. To make me understand that that was not the end of Life and that Life was indeed waiting for me to step out. We had discussed things at length and she had left. I had promised to go over to her place once I had decided what to do.
Of course, Blotch had become that obnoxious pest which tries to flap over to fly around after it’s been squashed.. making a further mess of himself. eeaauuh! (he doesn’t deserve any place to be in bold)
He had kept wanting to know what we had talked about. I had kept mum. I had not even as much as whispered, much less speak. I had behaved as if Ruby and I had talked about nothing. He would not “catch” me brooding when around me. I would do that after he was gone.
Apparently, Ruby had managed to make me see sense that I certainly had a “chance” to step out and establish my smudged Identity again.
I knew what it was; I had needed a support. A stepper to place my foot firm on. An assurance, some hand- holding.. and loads of understanding. I had become completely bitter with absolutely no concern for anyone. I had become what I had watched. Completely un- attached and uncaring.
Wearing my Batik Sari, I had stepped out to travel to Rohini again. Blotch was sat on that ITO bus- stand- as usual, waiting for me to reach. He had as if read me and so had sat watching out for me- Whatever..!! He had wanted to know where I was going to- I had obliged him with the information. He had demanded that I tell him when I would be back. I had replied in as many words- whenever he thought, he had enough money to feed me, he could expect me back. In a way, that was the reality. I had not eaten a single morsel for the past 3 days in succession. I had not let Asha didi know about that too.
I had wanted myself to be pushed that far so I could make amends. Assessing the situation was easy; that was done. Breaking the pattern was not- and that was what I had needed to understand. That had also meant looking for a new place to stay in, shifting, talking to the new landlords, putting up a facade- I wasn’t going to talk about my “things” to all. OBVIOUSLY..
I had decided to break free of all the tangible emotions.
I had only loved Himanshu- till then. Hopelessly trying to forget him. What could he have done? It was okay for a kid to plan to elope and get married. An idea that never appealed to me back then too; what to consider about that now..? Moreover, I had read him. He was indecisive- not able to reach any conclusion. His logics seemed affected with redundant and obsolete outlook. Why talking about him now? Because- he would re- appear, soon- again… and again!
I had once and for all decided to stay away from all men possible. To stay as indifferent as possible. To not feel for them anymore.. To stay detached and single for all times to come.
What about sex then..? That didn’t allure me- I have experienced the darker side of getting intimate. For me, getting in bed with men was like paying a too high a price. One, because that would mean talking about all the ugly experience; in the name of getting to know each other. Two, I would run a risk of getting judged. Three, I may again fall into the same trap.
A relationship seemed to be even worse option, back then. The things how they were with me; the chances were firm of getting exploited.
My college “weaving” sir had already put in his remarks asking me- why was I flying so high? He had “advised” that with whatever finances I had, I should have arranged to get married!! To whom- ? He had then expressed in most distasteful manner that I didn’t know what mistake I had committed by investing in completing my 2nd year. That would fetch no good but a marriage would have. This elderly man must have been in his late 40s if not elder.
My telling him to shut up had not worked. Only after a few days, he had called me to one different classroom to meet another teacher. Yet another girl had then approached me to talk about adopting me.. What f*cking nonsense?
That oldie had sat chatting about me in that class, when that girl had overheard their conversation. She had then approached her class- teacher with the idea. This girl had talked about me to his father, and he, out of pity had offered me to shift to their place. Really now- why? I mean why at all did that oldie discuss me?
I don’t remember her name- had wanted to talk to me in detail. Alright girlie, go ahead.. So I was to shift at their place. Her father would then assist me complete my TD course- monetarily and then would get me married off.. What the hell? Were they “adopting” a girl or wanted to play “adopting”? He had wanted me to sell off everything- my belongings, furnitures or whatever I was carrying and shift to their house. For me, those belongings mattered the most. They constituted my “home”, “me”. I had taken enough shit to get them from my uncle and even more to preserve them. Getting rid of my belongings, stuff and other memoirs was like someone asking me to stop breathing.
I had sternly asked that oldie to keep out- or else. Telling me that I was flying too high and that I was fool- hardy, since I wasn’t behaving woman; he had retrieved. How had he come aware of my things? My HOD must have gossiped when I had asked for exempting my last term fee. That’s the only possible logic that strikes me. They were both same age and that Ms. Kshama Mehra too often ridiculed my applying lipper. Really!! Was I to cry the whole time? What was she expecting that I keep wearing a forlorn look? I was 19, I liked applying lippers or sticking a bindi and even dangle ear- tops.. Well, she had banned all of that- For ME.
I was an orphan anyways; I was leading a life of one, to say the least. Then, I was even forced to dress- up like one.. To hell with that witch or any other rhyming word; that she had been to me.