My Veranda Pics


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My Kitchen Garden Veggie Pics

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My Pigeon- ic Pics

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Part- I Trying to Change My Destiny again

I am my mom’s shadow, carved out of the same skin.

Often, I have faced similar situations that my mom had too, in her times. I would write a detailed one once I am done making changes to this pattern. I would love to write about it as a History instead of an on-going stance.

For the past few days now, I am concentrating to change My Destiny again..

There’s so much of uncanny resemblance between her stances and mine, that I had almost believed that I have only 10 more years to live (or die..!!) Excepting; that I wish to live for much longer time. I have so many unfinished businesses yet. Don’t misjudge this as my wanting to achieve immortality. Not that I don’t want to- but that’s a different story altogether.

I am wanting to emerge as a Destined Winner.

Mom had died a helpless death – I don’t wish to. Although I had kept believing that I may also be gone by the time I reach the age she was gone; I don’t anymore. This time around, I am wanting to Live. I am consciously trying to control my Thoughts. I no longer want to believe that I would have to go through what she had gone through. In many earlier stances, I had slogged myself to break the pattern. I had as if fore-seen many a things coming to get me. Eerily similar stances..!! I had often told mom that I would have dealt with those differently.. I am glad that I really did when the same things hit me off guard; not once, but pretty many times.

I am trying to change my outlook now-a-days.

I don’t feel anymore that I would be given to handle situations like that my mom’s had been. The two of us are very different in our basic attitude and perception. A fact discovered by the lady herself and then established when each of those stances were dealt with differently. It was she who had pointed out that perhaps, I could control My Destiny!! She had been so different in her approach that I had huge difficulty defending her actions at times. It still may seem to some here that she may have been highly insentive; wherein, had she been so, I won’t have survived. That’s not a figure of speech but quite literally!

On a lighter note, my Mom wrote diaries!

I do have a couple of them sitting in my Book shelf still- having lost the major chunk. I don’t write diaries, I blog! My mom had not let me write when she observed I made my own notes. LOLsss all those words that I had written once are on my Blog already. Don’t be surprised, I remember all stances as they happened- the sequence, content and even the continuity. I am now in the process of giving My Writes a proper shape of a Book (or maybe Books.. 🙂 ) I wish to write all about that had walked over me and about all that I had to walk upon knowingly.

Who in her sane senses would want to and write about all the atrocities she was made to undergo- with explicit details?

My friends are somewhat curious about my wanting to do this. Then again, you are still reading this- aren’t you? Likewise, how come things I have survived could be crap alone? Even if that maybe; I am wanting everybody to smell the stink.

I now wish to achieve all that Mom had wanted me to.

She often day dreamt like crazy. It seemed she was being un- realistic. After she’s gone, those desires have become as if my passion. I guess, she was only trying to show me My Destiny. So far, I have been able to live the way she had wanted me to. Socially, financially or even otherwise!!

It’s time, I now lift myself up from being strung to the obsolete.

Whatever things had hit her are gone with her. Anytime that they have tried to hit me- they have been hit adversely. That’s a sign strong enough that My Destiny is not what I have been pessimistically worrying about. It’s about creating one. It’s all about changing it, to my liking. It’s also about making every one notice while I am at it.

It’s about achieving, attaining and accomplishing. Exactly As I Am.

Here’s the Part- II Claiming My Destiny of the same post.

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Farewell to My Old Life

31st December, 1998

Shifting to Madangir was to change my Life- pattern in more than one ways.

  • New work place.
  • New people.
  • Newer stances..
  • Love..!! Yes, that too.

Hemant would often call me up on office telephone to greet and exchange formal pleasantries. I realized that I liked his voice. Oh yes.. I still fall for the voice, before stepping into any further involvement and ending up weaving yet another ironical experience 😀 We would discuss philosophies, Freud and such mindly matters. I found him to be a nice guy since he never insisted on seeing me!! Neither did he ever ask me my stats @$#@@# (a sure sign of a Loser), or what I maybe wearing!!

Isn’t this a co- incidence that I have started writing about Hemant exactly on his birthday? Today happens to be his birthday.

Do I still feel for him?

We would usually talk about our Lives, thoughts and observations. Anytime I would tell him that we should meet, I would sense some discomfort in his tone.

One day, I just thought of being a little more assertive. I had dropped – “I wish to see you”, yet again. There, he had stiffened as if smelled by a snake. He had kept dissuading me that maybe I would not approve of his looks. Alright- maybe.. And that, he would also not be comfortable to talk when sitting face to face. Say- what again? I had told him my mind that I hate to talk to faceless strangers..

Alas..!! I wish I had kept this in mind while talking to that really wonderful enemic stranger (read: another post)

Hemant had reacted very uncomfortably upon my words. He had wanted to talk to me before we decided to meet. He had called up after a few minutes. His voice sounded different. Was he calling from a different phone? Yes, from a public booth. Why was he so tensed..? He had wanted to “share” something about himself!! Very well then, I was all ears..

“I can’t see the world with the right side of my face..” Hemant said so- in verbatim.

My response- “It wouldn’t have mattered even if you were to tell me that you were an impotent!!. Now slam that Public phone and call me from your office.. Go, now”

All he said that I knew how to handle people well. Only I couldn’t handle his people.. Nevermind that.

Honestly speaking of, that fact never had bothered me- ever. Barring his statement of admission here, I had never noticed which eye of his was impaired. I had only wanted to connect with him as a guy that he was. I had liked what he talked and that’s all that had mattered to me. That said; to Me, “looks” is damn important. One should be cleverly presentable.

I had made no special efforts to dress- up to see him. I had gotten down at Dilli Haat on my way back home. I traveled by Public Transport then. I had worn my black front- slit long skirt, with red n black jacket top. Both knitted. The top was my mom’s fave (I still have that with me; I don’t wear it anymore. It doesn’t fit me!) The overall look was formal. I hate getting dressed up casually- anyways. The expression on his face seemed that he liked what he saw in me. I was definitely looking forward to enjoy my evening with him. He looked nice- tall, fair and very good looking. Wore glasses- all the more better!!

We had moved around inside the Dilli Haat compound till it was late. He smoked- ouchh!! But then, that wasn’t any of my business really. Till then- atleast. He had kept shying- not because of the gender difference, but because of his “right-side issue”. I had almost freaked out inwards. There was an instant chemistry. It was as if we knew each other since long. It didn’t seem that we had met for the 1st time, that evening. We had hit it off like a glacier on icy chilled water. Smooth and captivating. There wasn’t any awkwardness because of our belonging to opposite gender. Dilli Haat, with its handicraft stalls and bricks ground to walk upon, had added up to the magic.

I felt so natural to be moving around with him!! It was as lovely as it could be. I had liked that place a lot. It seemed that I walked down in a local village market- “Haat” was very suitably titled. The different handicrafts and arts-men around, had so much reminded me of how I enjoyed during my College- Life. We used to go to Crafts Museum to sit around and sketch. I had totally loved that part of my Textile Designing course.

“We would shop from this place- to do up our home, once we are married..” I had declared. He was both surprised and shocked. I wasn’t. That 1st few hours had told me that we were to get married- no matter what. He had dismissed my explanation taking it to be a light minded joke. I had not. I was more than certain that we were so meant to be.

He had almost dragged me out of that place when I had wanted to go over to his house!!

Relax. Dear Readers, it wasn’t for a night or a “sleep”. That wasn’t on my mind- neither was on his. I was calling for my Destiny- real hard.

Hemant stayed in Saket. He didn’t own a ride; for his parents were skeptical about the fact that what if he hit himself and losses his only eye- whatever..!! I had also told him how I was being pressed to shift to South Delhi. He had definitely warned me against listening to my boss. A warning that has proven itself to be very right. Not once, but a few times over actually.

Upon reaching home late at night, I had gone over to Anjum and Ranu’s place. Their landlady had arranged a New Year celebration Party! It was a cozy affair of young girls- their tenants and members of the family. I too was invited. Sweet of them to have done that. I had enjoyed no end. A lovely evening and a beautiful night following that- what else one could ask for? Meeting Hemant wasn’t like meeting a guy and feeling shy about that. It was like meeting someone who was more like a companion, a friend for life… ummm- soulmate?

I had made him promise that he would help me after I shift over to South Delhi with unpacking my things. Innocently, he had agreed upon. He didn’t know that that may spring up an affair between us. Neither was I to know that apparently, I may fall for him. I wasn’t worrying about my future. He was the last thing on my mind for me to be thinking of my future with. I was only wanting to enjoy the blissful friendship that had struck – accidentally.

Or was it Destined..?

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Brewing Inquietude- II

No sooner Shelly had left, the arena had come alive. All 4 of us were sat in the Living Room, when I had once again suggested hiring a maid for atleast sweeping and swabbing; I was curtly quieted. Inturn, Lady P had wanted me to answer that what was there for them to be obligated about anyways; I had never done anything for them ever. My state of orphan-ship was once again dragged in. I was then accused of not knowing the “worldly relationship conditions”; since, I had desisted from preparing those Heavy Duty lunches for the visitors- back at the hospital. Even though that I may have had; wasn’t I the one, who had slogged myself over that without having told or asked? Upon my silence, she had then stormed- What would have the Society said that despite two women being in a house; Sharma family needed a maid. OMG, this can never happen here. We had thought that you would understand the family norms; but you seem to have decided to stay ignorant forever. In other words, women in Sharma family were equaled to maids; what else had that statement meant then? Hemant was offensively dismissed; I was told that I could hire whoever for the 3rd floor; but was not to suggest anything then onwards, for the 1st floor. Uncle had then asked me to leave in the manner one dismisses a kid, after scolding her for a grave mistake. While I was walking up the stairs, he had shouted out that I could probably stay upstairs alongwith the maid or servant whoever I had wanted to; and not come down anymore.

Just to surprise her on her Wedding Anniversary a few days later, I had called up Ruby to comeover. They had wanting to visit her. Ruby had comeover along with Rita (her elder sister), her husband, and mother. She had carried a big bunch of Litchi on my request alongwith other fruits and sweets. She had observed me very closely. She had then narrated that in her family that how meekly I stayed at my marital home. She had merrily joked about the fact that I was the same girl, who was thought of being un- tamable. Atleast, till then.

I had then begun to realize the mistake I had committed, marrying Hemant. It was too late then. What options did I have then? The lack of those had made my state of being even more miserableMy smile had wiped out and instead, a permanent scorned look had sat upon. Any day, I get those snaps back; I would upload them for you all to see those. My Convergys colleagues had often wanted to know about those bruises and marks on my face. I had looked straight in their eyes as if not knowing where else to. That was stark opposite of my nature. Compromising or adjusting or even giving in was one thing and getting beaten up was exactly the opposite. For crying out loud, I had wedded a handicap and had earned far better than him. And, his parents had not approached for our alliance till I struggled to find a decent job.

The next day, I was to join work. I had requested for an extension of my leave; my TL had granted that. I had told Hemant that I was to join back immediately for Training and had packed up my stuff to travel to Chandigarh.

Instead, I had gone to Rohini and had sat crying my heart out. I had already been branded as liar; I was only living upto that.

For the next 5 days, I had sat retrospecting, that what could have put the situation back at a level that may have been a little tolerable. I had found no answers. Ruby’s dad had expressed his desire to talk it out amongst the elders; I had not let him to. I could never tell them that how they were ridiculed because they had not borne expenses for my Wedding. Why did Sharma family behave as if nothing was known to them; and that, that they got a raw deal that was forced upon them? Note, how Hemant had been off- limits throughout my constant friction with his family members.

The next week, I had joined work; and then, that had sparked off a new controversy. I used to prepare breakfast after reaching home at 6am. I used to stay 2 extra hours back, after my shift was over, to reach home at that time. Go off to sleep at 9-ish. Wake up at 1, and prepare lunch and dinner before leaving at 4.30. One day, Ratan had politely asked me not to knock at 6 in the morning; since that was the time he slept after studying late. A couple of days later, a poster were stuck on the kitchen wall reading: PLEASE DON’T COOK RICEHemant had as if closed his only left eye tooupon that paper. They had then complained that the chapattis prepared at 4pm, didn’t taste good at 8pm and had wanted me to not prepare those too.

Only 2 months had gone by when I was relieved of the whole exercise. They had wanted me to quit my job and slog over house- work. Had they pondered to realize that my quitting the job, would have stopped all the post operation medication? Maybe, she had not deserved any of my help and concern. That poster was sat even on the day- when the executive for AquaGuard had come over. I still drank the supply water. I wasn’t let to fill bottles for myself and take upstairs.

We had then soon attended her elder sister-in-law’s son’s marriage. Once again, they too lived in some small Janta Flat in Pashchim Vihar. However, that lanky uneducated guy had managed to settle himself down with a girl of very affluent maternal relations. Aunty P had attended their engagement ceremony; that was before her operation. I had worn a lavender colored, chiffon sari with stone accessories. She had picked up a disagreement on the fact that I had not worn a bindi. It didn’t go well with my get- up and hence, I had avoided. I had given my Wedding Pochampalli for her to wear. She had smudged the whole sari with food marks. That was the same sari that she had ridiculed saying that that was a white- colored fabric! I was supposed to not dress up like a widow..

Hemant’s cousin’s marriage date was fixed sometime in October, i.e., after her operation and post treatment; hence, she had not attended that. Yet again, people had taken fancy to me. I had worn my wedding lehanga, boarded an auto and traveled to Paschim Vihar. I had invited over that Saharanpur Bua (her sister-in-law who stayed at Saharanpur), for lunch. Little had I known that she had not visited her brother’s home for a long time- maybe over some disagreement with aunty P? Upon their visit and stay for a day’s time at my marital home; they too had appreciated my being. Seems, I was not that bad after all. I had a huge boil that had grown on my waist. That lady too suffered of those bloody boils bleeding all over her body. Hemant too suffered of those. Now, that was my turn. Never had I stayed so unclean and unhygienic to develop such unmentionable infections. I had attended to all housework and had prepared meals for 10 people with that boil sitting on my waist next to where I wore my slacks- for the next 1-1/2 days. Aunty P had literally lifted my long skirt up- to see that Boil- if that was; saying that if something had really happened to me; I ought to be “showing” that to her. She had then circulated across the house that Hemant had pinched me while we were into “it” and then; I was making a huge issue out of that.

For days, I had wailed, while on my own and had sat crying for hours at my hopeless situation. Once home; I could and was to not go out anywhere. I was as if locked up at my own home. Hemant and I met only on weekends. Uncle had calculated the number of hours I used to be at home on week- offs, vis-à-vis the number of hours I spent with them. My sleeping time was not exempted.

Karvachauth that year, was pain in my ar*e; remember, that bloody boil on my buttock? Thankfully, they had sat in the park that year. After that Beggars’ Act of passing each others plate; an argument had (again) flung open. I had wanted Lady P to sit back and enjoy food instead of slogging herself up on the fire. She had sobbed and cried while eating and had sat separately to dine. No sooner, I had sat to have food; I was sent upstairs saying that I ought to be wearing what I wore during the evening. Why then she had let me change the 1st year and not whisper a word about that?

I had tried saving myself and my Birthday back in August; but that was ruined rudely by (who else than?) Hemant. I had decided to stop contributing, buy things that they had needed- in the name of presents and at all communicate with anyone at the 1st floor- come what may.

Next- Fresh stabs on my bleeding wounds

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Stepping into South Delhi

November 1998 through March 1999

I wasn’t really aware of the fact that I traveled to South Delhi- Malviya Nagar to work everyday. My boss Roopak had been pressing me that I shift to that part of the city soon. I had shifted only in August that year to Vijay Nagar. Shifting again in November, was the last thing I had wanted. Even shifting to Vijay Nagar was not a simple transition..

Roopak wasn’t a very communicative guy. Although he was a young guy, he seemed to be very distant. Something wasn’t right. I could never be comfortable working with him. He would fret about things that had happened to him a year back and keep occupied. I wasn’t expecting any great friendship in him; but wasn’t comfortable listening to his “I should get married soon” either. I had labelled him double standards soon enough- of course- he had not known of that.

He was ignorant of pretty many other things. Something seemed very restrained in him. He wasn’t very cordial with his youngest brother. They had lost their mother in some accident whereby she was drowned and Roopak didn’t know swimming. Rajat was hit and was floated away. He had remained absconding- he had lost his memory for couple of years..!! Both of them held each other responsible for their losses.

Who knows they still maybe.. But my “double standards” slogan was proven right after 12 years; i.e., just a couple of days back from today (read: another post)

I had worked with that Company for 4 months altogether; maybe 5! So much so for my having gotten involved in that affair with Rajat!! To “utilize” my creativity, Mr. Saxena of PortaCabin Engineers had piled me up with heaps of wooden boards. I was to construct a Doll House that they had failed to!! Like a fool, I had slogged to make that Doll- House while working in a office. It was no less than the job of a carpenter..!! As Roopak claimed a few days back; it was his idea to use the picture of that Doll- House at the back of the Company brochure to reflect upon future possibilities with pre- fabricated structures.. Like- whatever!!

Hemant used to report to the Chanakya Puri office. He had seen me once when I had gone for my round of Interview with Saxena. I had no remembrance of having seen him. Virmani had started coming to MN office to teach me Accounts. That is when I had started talking to Hemant over the telephone.

Not knowing of anything better; I had called up at Himanshu’s place- one day. He had answered the phone himself. He was pursuing some course from NIIT then. He had promised to meet me the next day. A promise that was brutally broken.. I had worn a lemon yellow flowing suit with white lacy stole and gone to CP NIIT center. Well, not even his ghost was around- much less him!

The next day, he had asked me not to call him up anymore. I had obeyed. Till 2005. Only to be blatant reminded of him failing me time and again..

Aunindyo had decided to marry the dame his parents wanted him to. I had ignored his being fond of me. To me, settling down was more like getting stuck. I had barely stepped out of a deadly relationship only a couple of months back! He didn’t seem very happy with his wife. She was a village- woman- not to his liking. He had shamelessly declared that “a woman ought to be like Olivia alone..” I hadn’t call him up thereafter.

I do miss him. He had been a nice one to me. Knowing him was like living in a teenage fairy-tale mushy romance. Purely platonic.

R had agreed to get a place for me in South Delhi. He had sent me to his friend’s place in Pushp Vihar. A nice young couple, the lady had made me speak with another lady who was supposedly the link to my “would be landlord”. Wearing my front slit long skirt and a net green and black top, I had gone to meet them directly over to Madangir!!

The “token money” was over and above the rent and security!! Couple of hundreds meant the whole month’s grocery.. I had decided to shift sometime in January. My Land lady at Vijay Nagar was heartbroken. One, she knew no one would have accepted that place so readily.. Two, she was amazed at how no guys ever came to my place or even around!!

I met Hemant on 31st December, 1998. I had traveled to Dilli Haat and met that fair complexioned, 5’8″ tall, good looking guy. He seemed to be a decent one. We had moved around inside the fair Ground, till it was pretty late. I had worn my long- skirt. You see, I wore them since ages. It really isn’t an edition.

Ranu and Anjum’s landlady had hosted a party on New Year eve. It wasn’t really bad. I had danced till early morning after cake and food. Actually, all of us had freaked out!! I had become so involved with the two sweet young girls, I had started spending my evenings with them.

A couple of meeting over with Kamal, I had stopped going out with him. A pizza I had carried home one day. How I had not shared that with anyone. I couldn’t share such a gift with my friends. They had not known how I had earned it. I could have camouflaged it by calling it an affair.. I haven’t; I won’t. It wasn’t that. It really was only a deal to me. I had kept it at that..!!

The cycle, people and the events have knocked at my Destiny over the period of next few years to come. One of those had hit me a week back!! Only, I am too analytical now. I don’t let the situation happen to me unless I want those to; much less getting affected or even hurt.

Divali and Durga Puja were spent like any other day. None of my friends had come to my place to meet me. I was becoming aware of my lone existence fast. I was coming to terms with my own identity of an orphan and also as an illegal child. I wasn’t a child anymore. At 20, I had become a woman. A bitter, sore and a very critical one at that.

I was becoming more detached. Not wanting to mingle with anyone. What for anyways? People or Friends only sympathized and walked away- leaving a more tormented me!! Visiting the memories seemed a bitter task!! Not anymore. Perhaps, this is one of the many reasons why I write. Let me face as many cruelties as I have suffered- one more time. Let me live those atrocities as many times My Writes are read. Let me test, if I have succeeded in becoming Indifferent.

My stay in that Madangir house was no exception to my “happening” life. The 70 year man would keep barging into my room every night and talk crap. Since I was a “young” girl; I had needed some “security” and hence; that hag had posted her redundant husband upstairs at my floor. This was exactly the opposite of what was agreed upon.

I could not forgive Roopak for making me step into that mess. R was also crossed out. If I had no troubles traveling from MN to Vijay Nagar in winters, what was anybody else’e problem? Why didn’t Roopak offer me to stay with him instead? He had nice place to himself- was looking for a match too. Oh, and he was damn interested in getting me married as well..!!

Men and the whole community of those – suck.. It was Roopak who had made me leave that job. Why the hell had he made me shift from Vijay Nagar at all? Maybe I wasn’t that good in my work- shouldn’t he have assessed that before making me land into a messier pothole? I hold no hatred towards him anymore. I say this after my 2nd encounter with him after 12 years!!

The man has not changed a bit- not that that’s any of my business. Perhaps he excels in creating turbulence in others’ lives. Not really maybe his fault; but then, whose fault that may be then? At times, if you let go off your inhibitions; Life treats you dearly showering surprises that you may have never expected!!

A short stint at a MN office, my shifting over and Hemant. Right, him too- a lot of things had started happening to me. The instances had hit me as if I was stuck into a bewildering jungle; where it rained all time.

Maybe, that’s why the last 2 years have been deadly silent- wanting to balance..!!

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Bless My Birdie

This monsoon, it had rained real crazy..!! This was after maybe a decade or so. It was one of those heavily pouring mornings that a pigeon had crashed bang on to the verandah glass door and fallen down. The poor bird had tried flying again, but had crashed once again!!

It was either unable to see or was too bewildered. By the time I could rush to open the veranda glass door to get her inside, she had crashed herself twice. She had walked baby claws near the window sill where I keep my sengoniums and cozied itself near the small pots. I had managed to open the door without alarming her. I was almost about to pick her up when the newspaper that I use to tuck between the gap of the aluminium door and frame, had flown down. Even before I could hold that one sheet and stop the rest of the paper from falling, she had panicked severly and flapped across the open sky, opposite to my house in that downpour. Even though there were a few of those soaking on the top tiles of the adjoining buildings; perhaps some were sat on my building roof- top too, this one looked drenched.

Her feathers were clung to her body. Her claws could barely pull her weight around. She may have been visually impaired- a bird with one or both of her eyes scratched. Either they do it themselves while scratching themselves; or when the other amongst the group may choose to beak her for no apparent reason!! Often these are not so pretty to look at.. not because of the eyes, but even otherwise. It seems, they are at the longer side of their ages.

Needless to mention, I had closed the glass door with a heavy heart..!!

Although it’s been several months since, I have barely been able to keep my mind off that incident. Yet another day, a similar bird was perched on a different window. It had squeezed itself so tight against the glass, that it was only a little bigger than a sparrow is. I couldn’t do anything since that window glass is the fixed type. There’s no way to open it up.


Monsoons are over. It’s Fall. Almost winters.. Today being Maha- Ashthami, there wasn’t any plusible reasons why I had woken up thinking about all that I have mentioned above. As if almost guided by my thoughts, I had gone to the kitchen veranda the 1st thing after leaving my bed. Usually, I rush to wash and change. On weekends, I lounge around before it’s time for Ben 10 at 10, rushing me to change, floss and prepare a cup of coffee.

There- a pigeon was indeed sitting at the corner of the veranda floor. By the look it seemed, it had kept its head really down. The others had flown away noticing me around. Obviously, what else were they supposed to do? I had cautiously approached the bird that was sat as if punished or was declared an outcast. I touched the thing; it was breathing!

Saying all my prayers, I had picked it up. It’s left eye was completely sticking out of its socket.


The poor thing had not resisted even a bit when I had caught her. I had set her free immediately, it would not go. Instead, it had kept walking towards my feet. It would lay itself helplessly on my soles and breathe heavy.

I had then picked her up again. I had cleaned her wounds, whatever was possible without hurting her. Wrapping it in the newspaper to dry her feathers, I had warmed up some milk. Cooling the milk to make it lukewarm, I had fed her like one would do to an ignorant and oblivious baby. Some time later, I had fed her some green pulse, seed by seed, by placing each of them between her beaks. She had swallowed them all. I had then placed her at that corner, so no other birdie is able to peck her- even if wanting to.


So was it calling me when I had just woken up? Was she talking to me in my mind? Was she calling me for help, since I had wanted to help a wet one the other day? Or because I have helped a few of those earlier too? Did she know me- as a bird or even as someone who may have interacted with me when she was in some other Life- form?

Our ancient texts, like Puranas, often make mention that great- learned men and women are often made to serve their Destiny by being born as Birds. As a severity to balance their mistake, that they may have committed while in their God-like form, they are cursed to live a life of a bird. I don’t know which one was this! I am not an Enlighetened one as yet; so couldn’t really guess.

Then again, did she owe me anything..?

Whatever the reason may be, I have tried helping her with whatever was possible within my bounds. I had tried finding out about the Birds Hospital in Gurgaon. I could not! All I can pray is that she survives. That she lives. Because if she does, with all the wounds and scratches; she will emerge as a fighter. She would then become invincible- almost!!

Infact, she kept reminding me of how I had fought against all the odds. Not only was I wounded, but also outcast and thrown out of my house, my community- not once but several times. Sometimes- literally; other times from others’ social spaces, inturn, chopping off my Existence. Dear Birdie, if I could exist, so can you. No matter who you are or whatever your past deeds may have been, you are soon going to be liberated. Whether you live or otherwise, you have served your Destiny as being a voiceless muted life- form. I have only tried helping you meet your Destiny.

Throughout the day, I had been restless thinking about your survival. As I write this and about Puranas, I feel somewhat restful. Maybe, this is how it was meant to be. I’ll be sad and would remember you all My Life; yet, I’ll pray for you whichever way you continue to live. Maybe, I am being selfish by wanting you to live. Perhaps, you should leave this helpless form and hit your salvation. Maybe this is how it is intended to be!!

Even if you may have affected me sometime; I don’t remember how you may have..

  • You must have helped me big time; Thankyou My Dear.
  • If it was negatively, it doesn’t bother me anymore.
  • Maybe we were attached as Lovers or Friends; we were yet not destined to be together.
  • That I could care for you even for a small time is Divine.
  • Maybe you had been really mean to me. You may not have cared for me and let go of me. So Destiny brought us together. I have served my Karmic duties by doing whatever I could for you.
  • Perhaps, I had asked you to stay away from me in anger. You had still wanted to see me..!! You may have expressed desire to come to me at a later date. Keeping in mind our friendship, you may have come to me without thinking about how I may react seeing you.
  • Then again, am I responsible for this? Did I ever cast a spell on you making this happen? Did I say this in order to avenge you?

I won’t find any answers unless I learn Occult sciences. This is where they say that “to forgive is Divine..”

I agree..

Why am I crying now? Is she gone? Has she left her muted and wounded bodily cage? I don’t wish to go weak finding that out now. I’ll see that in the morning. If she lives, she maybe only a birdie.. Otherwise, she was someone who was fated to serve her Destiny in a very mundane and struggling manner.

Either way, she’ll always live in my heart. Bless you Birdie.. xox

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Part- II “Working Out”

This is in continuation to my earlier post- Part-I “Working Up”.

My Life had as if hit a dead point in June- 2008. I had spent 4 complete months locked up inside a room in a Guest House. It was during my stay there in Sushant Lok that I had picked up a few habits.

Some habits that have become an nondetachable part of my survival now..

I was confined to a single room for 4 months. I had no one visiting me. One of my school friends stayed very nearby; it seemed- she always kept busy. I had once stepped out to meet Sophie on her insistence. I know- I had been such a pain to them by keeping to myself! I had nothing better to do- excepting to stay sit and brood.

All I did the whole of my days, was to sit and brood. About everything!! Of My Travel From childhood till then. Since I wasn’t really hooked up to watch Television, I would be bored to death.

Reluctantly, I had started watching “Colors”- that was the newest addition to the existing TV Channels. I would watch “Tom n Jerry” and “Ben 10” like they were my Life- Cord!! I have become so versed with each of the “Tom n Jerry” episodes, that I can almost voice over the sounds 🙂 How I had wanted to watch Cartoon Network the whole day when I was in my High School..!

“Balika Vadhu” still remains my favorite watch. That prankish old lady “Dadisa” reminded me of my interaction with that “Lady P“. I become so defensive when someone tries to mock jokingly upon my watching Cartoons or even this serial! I had always loved watching cartoons. As matter of fact, I owe my diction and learning English language, to “Cartoon Network” alone. Back then, when I studied in school, the cable operators ran that channel in between the movie switches.

It was exactly at this time that I had wanted to write. All about myself, my mind and my conclusions upon Retrospection. It was a Herculean task to keep my faith up. I would cry for hours at a stretch, wondering about the conclusion of that phase. Today, as I go back in time and try to assess myself; I realize that I was way too strong back then. I wasn’t being as vulnerable as I had thought myself to be.

How else do you think I am talking about it without getting affected?

It was during this period that I had clicked that snap- shot!! Some snap shot it turned out to be!! No self- praise 🙂 Just check my Gravatar. I bet no one can guess what all was tearing my mind cells. How a picture that was captured while staying there, has now become my signature Identity!! It’s the same snap that’s on my Blog Template.


One other thing that had germinated during this period was my intention to Lose. I had put on weight like a stuffed up Bolster. What else would happen if one was to sit still inside a room doing absolutely nothing? As my Quality Manager- Swati, always suggested to adopt a Holistic View about things; likewise, “Losing” was more than to lose weight alone. It was to become free, to evolve, to elevate my state of being!!

By writing about all that had lived with me making me more like them instead of letting Me be; I am now in a process of shedding all the remembrances. I am only wanting to be Me. No extra weight of any relationship, expectations thereof resulting in more confusions and disappointments!

I strongly feel that My Day of Celebrating- My state of being is nearing me. I have been wanting it to happen for long now. Often my superiors stated that I am impatient- I am only focussed. I am only trying to achieve what is meant to be My Real State of Being. I achieve what I desire of- to say so; I follow my instincts. It’s my Instincts again, pointing out to a certain celebrated standard of level. I have doused myself working towards attaining that state so passionately, that it has now become my Life- Line.

To lose weight is mass and measurement is also one of the things 😀 How else would I groom myself? LOLsss

My close friends would stamp it. I marvel at planning strategically to achieve what I so wish to. I just hate to wait. When I want it, I just get it. I build up that momentum in my Desires and thoughts that the Final Post hits me automatically. I have done that so many times, I am all charged up to make that happen yet again. This time round, everyone would stand with me to celebrate the event.

The celebration of discovering the Real Me, My Real Life- the way it should be- the way- As I Am.


Note: As I Am happens to be my 1st post of Blogging. Incidentally the Preface of my still under construction Biography. I call it My Biopic Log.
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Part-I “Working Up”

It’s been a month and a few days that I have been riding high on top of my Exercising Bike. It seems that I have lost a few inches 😀 Maybe another fortnight would slip me into my dresses again. Another month or two (okay, make that 3), I shall be back to where I was 7 years back or may be even 9 years back!

I had worked out my bulges off pretty hard, preparing for my wedding. Hold On- don’t jump on to congratulate me yet- that relationship exists no- more and was ugly, till it had lasted.

I had managed to maintain my toned look for the next 2 years, before I had again started gaining cellulite. I tend to shed every winter. It was only in one of the winters that I had swelled up. Erratic work- scheds, no proper meal, gorging on fried stuff (that’s all that was available), had cast its dark spell on me. I would not look into the mirror to appreciate my being a woman; the urge was getting killed. I had almost stopped thinking about myself- soon.



Freeing myself of the fallen relationship (read: my marriage); I had begun leading my Life for the 1st time- as if. Breaking away from that obsolete pattern, had posted me to where I had started back in 1996. That was when I was made to leave my Home.

Shifting to Gurgaon, was also not hassles free. I was made to pay a very heavy price (read: another post). If lack of Public Transport wasn’t a reason enough to stay indoors, there were ugly series of events that had forced me to clam inside my shell. It was as if I had stepped into a Live Arena. It was as scary as a Gothic Trans Spell, where anything I touched, turned into an ugly beast, ready to feast on my Survival. I had closed my self so tight that besides my work, I didn’t exist in other realms. To escape that moronious phase and to ditch my untimely death; I had stayed locked up in a Guest House for about 4 months. All I had was a couple of night dresses, 2 tops, 1 skirt and 1 jeans to wear. Half of my stuff that was with my ex, (I was still under process of shifting); was locked up at a rented place by him. The rest half, was with that lady, I had shared my apartment with- here in Gurgaon.

How could I have overlooked my state of helplessness and go out to enjoy?

I had shifted out of that self- imposed prison in November- 2008. I was completely broken. There wasn’t even as much as a Devil to feel haunted of!! I had dealt with a couple of those already in the last few months. Although there were a few more episodes that could have affected me; I had not let them to. I was learning to live, to smile, to put a facade on my face, to face the outside world.

It may sound clichéd; but it was my friends who had dug me out of that Vortex. I had not realized how deep I had sunken until recently. I had turned into a typical recluse! I had refused to interact with everyone and anyone.. Reasons? Actually those still exist; only now, I have learnt how to lead My Life staying completely Indifferent.

Now almost after 2 years, I am back to my stable self emotionally. My heart beats and feels too!! I pick up the happy things, leaving the sad ones to their fate of dyeing a natural death.

I am preparing for my Big Day.. The Day the world around Me, would announce my very Existence.I would then be recognized far and wide for who I am. I now need to look my SELF!! I wish to reflect upon my Attitude. I wish to showcase my ability to deal with the toughest of the things with great precision. I want everyone else to take notice of my agility. I wish to outdo all my efforts to take whatever comes and laugh about it on its face- to the point of being Indifferent and un- affected.

I wish to look As I Am.

The next post in continuation to this one is Part- II “Working Out”.


Note: As I Am happens to be my 1st post of Blogging. Incidentally the Preface of my still under construction Biography. I call it My Biopic Log.
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Look Around- Open Up

Life isn’t all that bad..

All you need to do is, remove the blind- fold. Let the light reach your eyes. It’s all around you. You have chosen to stay blind- folded!!

Really, just look around- don’t you see it’s brightly lit? Now, if you stay deep inside the attic, how would you know of it? Alright, you may have come out- but then, wouldn’t you put your face up now? The light may prick your eyes; does that mean you’ll stay in Dark?

I wish, there were classes on “How to deal with Life challenges” as one of the Main subjects in High School. Then again, it’s the basic attitude..!! What’s the fun being stuck up at a point that’s in past? What’s gone is really gone! You cannot change it. If at all, you can change your attitude and your understanding about these things.

I have observed pretty close that the Losers often love to preach and lecture. Un-necessarily, often. By “Loser”, I mean people who wear a downtrodden look no matter what!! Doesn’t matter what their age maybe, they excel in hunting for reasons to stay gloomy- however silly and retarded it maybe. Sadistic sarcasm happens to be their 1st nature.

The biggest way of preaching- is to live by example by ownself. No offence meant, but most of the men I have met are rudely stuck to a pothole.. wanting someone to pull them out. No problems with that. However, if you wish to be pulled out- you need to stretch your arm up. Do not expect me to get inside the ditch and crib for the rest of my Life; because then, that would make me also stay inside that ditch and with you!! !$@$%$##@

If anyone needs to Move On, it’s them.. Some people just never come to terms with the Life Truths. They keep standing as a Pillar on puddle. Neither can they stand still, since they are on a puddle; nor can they fall apart, since the puddle keeps them pulling inside. The beauty of it is that these confused, sardonic creeps are pretty capable of turning you into one. Never under- estimate their capacity. They infect you like a deadly virus.

(Definiton: A virus is a small infectious agent that can replicate only inside the living cells of organisms)

Now you know what I mean? These people stay perfectly calm when left in a sterile condition (solitude or within their problems- whatever). They only display the symptoms of being a Lunatic, once placed on the breeding culture; i.e., someone unknown to his pattern who in turn becomes the victim. These confused, beaten-up souls have all the capacity to turn you too, into a Host. I have personally experienced that the negative energies (as the jargon goes) are more powerful and permeating ones than the positive energies.

I told you- it’s one’s basic attitude.

If you are pessimist, you would never ever be able to look for a new dimension. You would not make any efforts to look for one. Since, it’s bound to crash anyways. Wherein, the positive thinker- would still be hopeful! He’ll keep trying unless he gets a new and lifesaving perspective to the newest issue. Afterall, you aren’t stuck 40,000 ft above the ground in an air- craft with fuel needle dipping to zero. Go run, get a chute!! Nevermind; what if it crashes before you reach? So stay wherever you are- say your last prayers and smoke your cigar.

Ever watched the TOM n JERRY series? Anytime Tom foresees his “death”; he blindfolds himself, lets his Cigar and puffs up in the air. Now, he had all the time to do that but he couldn’t run. Cartoons being only that, Tom is never run by that Train. Life is a different kind of travel. Even if you may not be standing at the train tracks, the moment you blindfold yourself, you are bound to hit by some unknown object. Unknown- why that? Remember- you have tied a cloth around your face, eyes to be precise- you can’t see?

What’s done is done- you can’t change it. Perhaps, they just don’t seem to understand that. Even if you wish to MOVE ON, they would prove to be the biggest impediment, reminding you about your losses! Please keep in mind- you can’t Time Travel (yet) and change what’s happened already. However, you can choose to accept it by staying completely indifferent to things that can’t be undone.

Isn’t “Past” equivalent to Death? Can you transverse “Death” yet? Anyways, you can only dare change a veracity after you have accepted it. Unless you haven’t come to terms with it- how would you learn of its finer nuances? What would be your plan of action to battle it? To expect a perfect victory, you need to know it in and out. That would only happen if you make friends with it- by accepting it, acknowledging and then facing it. That’s it.

By keeping your eyes closed, you are denying yourself of a better Life! How justified is it to whine about what you don’t have and ignore all the luxuries you own- in the process?

Maybe that’s too much of an effort. Let me guess- are they the same people who keep their head covered while sleeping too?


Enjoy the Cartoon- However- don’t try that in real Life, it won’t really work.

The Tom smoking the cigar portion has been edited- Thank heavens..!

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Enjoying a Fall Tuesday

After 5 sleepless nights that lasted till 5 few days back, I am now trying to get back to my Life. Don’t worry- it wasn’t anything that I should have fret about. Then again, as I always do- I had gone inside My Brooding Shell. The instances were such that had pushed me to think and analyze. I certainly wasn’t upset about anything. I was highly amused to the point that I had lost my sleep practically. I just couldn’t snore- that’s it.

I am as warm and fresh, as after a shower in a beautiful Fall evening. A bit of chill and yet wanting to splash of water on the skin!! Not at all a bad way of starting a Tuesday with the following tagging. Ji, you just rock. A very big bunch of Thanks and Love to you and to all- xoxox

  • Stiletto Award 4 Excellence In Blogging
  • The Sunshine Award
  • Sweet Poets Award

I pass it on the following Bloggers-

Thank you for all the support. I enjoy reading your Blog as well as the  comments that you leave for me..!! Happy Fall everyone..


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Monday Madness

I haven’t disappeared anywhere in case you maybe wondering about my Monday Post..!! This has been my Monday color for the last few weeks now. Blue, only seems to be a color ever since, and a darn sensual one at that.. 😀 While I move around enjoying my assignments and treats; enjoy this wonderful number.

I’ll be back soon enough.. Love you all Loads!!

Oh, and if you do poems, I welcome you to join in. Click the link- Poetry Potluck and join the fun. Should you need any help at all, leave a comment under the post. I’ll rush to assist you.

– Happy Monday –

Red Version

Green Version

Blue Version- I love this one 🙂

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Sunday Awards and Fun

I’ve been tagged by Punam. Please pass it on to 5 or more friends. leaving a pingback to the one who posted it to you.
What is your current obsession?
To be able to compile my autobiography ASAP!
What are you wearing today?
A grey knitted frock, with cross- spaghetti strings. It has cartoon cows all over. Bubblegum Pink color print says “Mad Cow!”
What’s for dinner?
Not thought about yet- would be home- cooked lavishly spread.
What’s the last thing you bought?
A pizza to home- yesterday.
What are you listening to right now?
To My Mind.. It talks to me all the time!
What do you think about the person who tagged you?
A free- spirit, headstrong woman- who realizes of she being herself. She doesn’t want to survive; for she Lives the Life, what most of us miss to.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Maybe in Vienna, my mom had wanted to visit the place. Make it really big please. I need to call my friends every once in a while to party- Blogging friends included.
What are your must-have pieces for summer?
Frocks and shorts for home. Skirts and flowing tops for moving out.
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
World Tour.. umm, can I now go and pack my stuff?
Which language do you want to learn?
That would help me communicate with Occult Sciences.
What’s your favourite quote?
Actually, there are many of those, please feel free to check this => Quote- Unquote
Who do you want to meet right now?
Someone who tells me all about Death and Beyond.
What is your favourite colour?
Lavender, Green, Red. These are the 1st, last and the middle colors of the spectrum; Rainbow
How long do you spend reading books?
Until it’s read completely.
What is your dream job?
Don’t wish to work. Wish to Live like a Queen.
What’s your favourite magazine?
Nothing in particular. Any Glossy would do. Brunch on Sundays. Femina often. I own a huge collection at my home.
If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Sorry for sounding boring, I’ll deposit that in my savings.
What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Beige and Brown is an insult to Womanhood. Long tops with Denim Jeans. Saris teamed up with cotton blouses
Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?
I guess most of them are
What kind of haircut do you prefer?
I have always sported short hair. Grown them only once. Doing so again. I would want to sport a Bald head someday 😀
What are you going to do after this?
Whatever my Mind tells me to.
What are your favorite movies?
I was dreading this one. The list is long and I have my own reasons to like them.
How many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
2. One for Editing, the other as Preview. I love to keep it very simple and precise.
What inspires you?
I get the maximum push after I suffer a stumble down. I have now mastered the art of turning the vortex around.
Give us three styling tips that always work for you-
Base make- up, lipper, glam eye- shade colors with colored mascara. My brows are very light. I do pencil them.
What do you do when you “have nothing to wear” (even though your closet’s packed)?
My Denim formal stitched skirt and a short- top fills in
Coffee or tea?
Not addicted so really doesn’t matter. Often depends.
What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
I Write, Brood and Push myself through a Conclusion; may not be in that Order. Talking or sharing is the last thing that I do unless the situation is over.
Which other blogs do you love visiting?
All are Fellow Bloggers. They know it’s them. They are tagged 🙂
Favorite Dessert/Sweet?
Cakes, not fond of chocolates. I crave for them only once a year!!
Favorite Season?
All excepting summers. Winters are the best.
If I come to your house now, what would you cook for me?
I cook well 😉 will do whatever suits you preference.
What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Become Indifferent, to deal with the current crisis. Avenge, at a later date.
What are you afraid of the most?
Roaches.. arrrgh!
What brings a smile on your face instantly?
At this current date, the situation I am in, noticing the visits of my Blog friends and reading their comments, make my Day!!
What is life for you?
An unending Travel making me Learn at every step.
What do you love to do when it is drizzling?
Do my Rain Dance, getting drenched. Write while watching the pitter patter against the window panes.
What do you do when you are excited, nervous and both?
Self Monitoring by brooding constantly.
I pass this to my fellow Bloggers and Friends..

Angela Cohan
Caribbean Fool
Dennis Welch
Emmanuel Ibok

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Love You Loads

Please feel free to share this Note of Love with as many as you wish to. I present this Award to all who have been visiting My Blog and commenting.

I wish to say that your stopping by has made me Move On faster..

This is your award, claim it and then share with your fellow Bloggers.

I share this “Love you Loads” Award with:

Note: Please leave a pingback to this post while posting the Award.

– Happy Weekend –

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Rule your Destiny

The Subtle- form stays inside our Mind.

Look at it this way

  • Performing severe austerities makes you a super- being. Inturn, enabling you to produce another Life image of yours and liberating your Life giving Soul, so you “practically” travel through the time- lines and not only the geographical bounds alone.
  • Aren’t we talking of “stem cells” and “cloning”? Maybe one of the DNA combinations end up giving a super- intelligent being, free of the degenerative process that we eventually get sucked into. If we can produce a Dino in this age, well then, it’s only a matter of time when space and ocean won’t be the only thing talked about on the Information Channels.

We would not only be able to move within the different timelines; but also within each other’s mind. Tough to believe? Alright, just take hypnotism a little ahead of where it stands today. Isn’t meditating self- hypnotism? Telepathy..? Intuition..?

If you read a few pre- vedic texts, you would realize that creating a subtle body is possible. It does exist within ourselves. It is this, where all your Intuitions are generated and interpreted. Premonition, Pre- cognition and Dreams are it’s way of communicating to our more conscious portion of mind. At any given point of time, you are not alone. This happens to be your Inner Voice.

I am sure we all have sat analyzing the pros- cons as the jargon goes, of something, at some point in time. Now you know who talks to you making you realize the setbacks? While your dumb mind gives the alluring factors which are merely mirages..!

If you really follow something passionately- anything that maybe your hobby or even beyond; this is the “form” that gets active enlightening your whole being. How possessed you become while pursuing that passion; would determine how Enlightened you are.

The process of “thinking” isn’t just that. Your mind getting fueled by your minor/subtle- form then controls your conscious/visible part of your being. Anytime you are self- counseling; it’s your subtle- form that is talking to you. “Inner- voice”..? This is it. Now, you would perhaps believe that we are the Divine within ourselves.

We are a form of energy. They say “we” are captivated within the Human- bodily cage. I say; it’s more like as if we ourselves are responsible for this. “Your subtle form” is who you are.

So if we are free form of flowing energies, why the heck do we look like the way we do? Why aren’t we designed more as Angels floating in the ether?

Kids are born almost incapacitated in all possible manner. We grow them, helping them to learn how to do everything on their own. Likewise, right now we are babies, we need to reach beyond our age and tap that “grown up” part hidden within us. We need to become self- dependent. Oh yes, working for salary isn’t becoming self- dependent. Our sense organs are our crutches. We are so en-caged and stay en-slaved to those.

Ever tried to walk with your eyes closed? Or sway while just thinking of a song in your mind and not really singing or even humming? Have you thought of someone- and he just showed up? Hit by a Chemistry the 1st time on meeting someone? That’s where he/she would take you further to achieve what you so wish to. This process is up even without you realizing. If you realize and understand what you want; you would make your travel a little smoother.

Maybe- now you should let go of all hard- feelings about the people who back- stabbed you. They have only helped you attain your Destiny. You see now, you create your own Destiny by self- realization. All hobbies are creative vent- be it any. Why else a painter strokes his master- piece after following a heartbreaking sequence?

This is where you control your Destiny. By thinking about the things you want. By wanting them in a super- beneficial order. By definitely not thinking about self gain alone. It’s not as tough. Let me tell you how.. You want money? Don’t forget charity. If you concentrate hard enough keeping the “charity” portion is mind as well; you would see- you would become wealthy in no time. Likewise, you wish to learn a new hobby; think about what benefit would that be to the rest of your people (if not whole of the world in the beginning). This is how Knowledge is best shared.

If only clams give up their pearls, would they make more.

You desire of things in a bigger manner. You constantly stay high consumed in your own pursuance, within your mind. It is like becoming the reigning super- Queen for all times. This is where you would recollect your past Life instances, make amends, fulfill Karmas.

Once again, let go of the hard- feelings. Or else, you would do something to hurt the other one and damage your own smooth travel. Really, all actions do generate motion in the Universe. You just don’t want to create a negative whirl for yourself. Anyone who creates issues for you, would anyways be hit by his Destiny- sooner than later. Maybe, once upon a time, you had been ruder.. Go ahead- like 2 wrongs won’t make even half right; stop feeling negative and instead laugh it off. Smile as often as you can- you’ll be easy to your own self.

Don’t forget what happened to you; just don’t stay bitter. Let go of it- completely. You can only do this if you are completely un- attached to anyone. That’s when you Love all and hate none. The state of Indifference can only be attained if you consciously choose to stay solo. You may keep performing the worldly duties but just don’t let them hurt you or your state of being. You need to master the art of Moving On.

This is how you serve your Destiny.

By creating one for yourself and rule it. If you don’t realize what potential you maybe hiding inside, your deeds would never be balancing your past Karmas. Think (to realize) before you Act (controlling your Destiny in the process)
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Wanting to go beyond

I wish to know all about Life, Death and Beyond.

What connects Death and Birth? We all know- it’s Birth -> Life -> Death -> … -> … The doted lines is what I wish to know about. I so wish to raise myself above the mundane, attaining super- conscience. Remain human; yet un-attached. Become God and be worshiped. Not because I want to feel special; but because I would have attained super- conscious. You become great- no sooner you achieve something rare and not much explored. Live in this world- yet never die.

Immortality happens to a mere- mortal. I wish to go beyond- being a human. To be able to detach my soul- giving energy and maintain myself at that level. If you go through the Autobiography of a Yogi; you would know that all of these are physically possible. While in modern times, it’s becoming more and more tricky. Since we need to run our own rat races; there are ways of still walking the trail of the path, the way you wish to.

Miracles are not as rare as we believe them to be. Probably, we just don’t wish to believe in them.

“Virtuality” of any fact is fascinating. It says that it’s Reality; although Virtually. It’s “Yes” and “Maybe” pressed together. It’s a delicate and illuminating swing between Life and Beyond. It says- it could or not be as well. Just a subtle thread away from being a Myth. It’s “Make Believe”. So here I am, within my beautiful world of “make believe”. It isn’t about “making yourself believe”; but “Making, what you believe in..”

Did you notice that there isn’t a stop/negative/closing factor? Perhaps the opposites don’t exist at all. It isn’t Reality and Fantasy; instead, it’s Reality and Impression. Then why stopping at Death? Death isn’t the opposite of Life. Attaining a level of super- conscience is. A level that would free one of both Life and Death.

How beautifully the cyber- space takes the content of my mind to travel across the virtual world, connecting with the Reader’s mind- inturn making me connected with you all..!

It seems- Cyber World may be just another dimension of Super- Conscience.

It connects my words beautifully with everyone across the Globe, communicating even when I may be snoring peacefully at night. Any thing in it’s absolute form, is free of any time- line. It is this cyber- space that is circulating my thoughts all around. Even to the places that my mind may not be able to conceive of.

Exactly, in this manner; I am wanting to become the omniscient, all pervading, the reigning Queen of all forms– all across the Globe and beyond. To raise myself beyond the Definition.

It is the Definition, that sets the Limitations.

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Getting rid of yet another “Loser”


I had almost toppled over laughing while crossing that “Life coming full circle” juncture..

I had known him some 12 years back for a brief period of time. Upon meeting him a few days back; it seemed he was pressed. After half hour, he had started discussing the things that seemed to be pushing him off the limits. I was so amazed at the fact that how he could discuss such personal affairs, with me, the 1st time itself, meeting me after so long. It only spoke of his wavering attitude. Nevermind. Maybe I was right when I had said I would have been a counselor if not working with Convergys. This was my reply, to a question put across by My “would be” TL’s Manager; for my last round of Quality IJP.

He had given as many explicit details as it had taken. I had heard him patiently. His whining nature was showing through. Back then too, he would keep his cribbing nature up. No matter what precautions I took; I used to end up making mistakes. Something that never had and have happened apart from those 4- 5 months.

We all undergo problems- each one of us in our own twisted pattern. It surely counts how we present it. Anyways, cribbing and yet keeping up with it, doesn’t go well together. Yet, that was him- why was I to bother?

I had tried suggesting as much as I could think about; attaching a “disclaimer” that that’s how I would have done. Reason: I had never felt sure of him when I had worked with him, even back then. Also, it was him because of whom, I had quit that workplace. He was instrumental in playing up the role of screw- driver- instigating my superiors against me. How he thinks that I didn’t know that.

Coming home- I had felt restless. Highly uncomfortable. There were too many pointers for me to brood upon. Although I had not been thinking; I could just not be at peace. Exactly how I had felt after meeting that Kalkaji baby boy. Infact, his habits reflected upon a few losers I have met- over a period of time.

The resemblances with Negative:

  • Whining
  • A dark, moronic and beaten up expression
  • Wanting to look for a suitable match for me (??)
  • And yes.. “crying” too..!! That’s right. I have failed to understand how can a man cry at the 1st meeting. I wasn’t his girlfriend that he was trying to bare it all to me. How tricky it becomes. Certainly I was not to hold him or cajole him.

The resemblances with VP:

  • Again crying.. sob.. sob.. sniff.. sniff..
  • Belonging to a particular zodiac
  • Speaking, while staying ignorant of the fact that that’s not how one speaks with a lady.
  • Before meeting him on Monday, he had called up in the afternoon- wanting to know what I had eaten for lunch. I don’t believe this. How can a stranger really bother about my lunch palette..?

We had met 2 days later again. This time round, I had talked about myself. He had wanted to confirm if I would have jumped into; if he had proposed me back then. I had replied honestly, saying a “Yes”. He seemed to have given a thought over what we had talked 2 days back. He had wanted me to look for someone for him. Really, why wouldn’t I utilize my time and efforts for “hunting” someone for my ownself?

I had wanted him to stop driving towards Jaipur, but I hadn’t. That had been my 1st crush’s work-town. The memories had suddenly clouded my mind, asking me- if there weren’t enough signs for me to read that I was being so passive.

Well, he had finally proposed me- wanting to know if I loved to gamble!!! My- my, a serious upstart..!! I had given in reluctantly. I am definitely wanting to change the pattern I am stuck into. I want my things to become better than how they are in the current arrangement.

Something had kept telling me that that was not going anywhere. He had wanted to try around while on the road. I am not a teenager. I have lived some serious affairs in my post- teens. Kissing around inside a car is such an insult to woman- hood.

I guess a kiss ought to be a smooth and sultry effort, leading to more passionate smooches. Eventually growing with each passing second- resulting in serious exchange of intimate passion. That never happens traveling in a car- PERIOD. One of my childhood girlfriend had once shared how her the 1st kiss had happened in a car while travelling..!! I had written the guy off and re-acted equally distastefully towards her. I was 19 then. The same thing was happening to me now- I had as if become dead- cold.

I so don’t have to prove myself about my desires or way of expressing those. Seriously, I was so put off. I mean- we had hardly agreed to “gamble” and he had wanted to start a relationship right on the highway while driving? Maybe he would have kept it at that; yet, why that too as well?

Resemblance with my crush:

  • Same caste or sub- caste- whichever that is.
  • Similar sardonic pattern of thoughts- “why me..?” (add a sad drawl and look of really well beaten up), “I am so unlucky..!!”
  • Wanting to communicate via phone- I believe cell is only a mode of communicating. It is so not meant to lead a relationship or friendship or whichever ship you wish to sail on with someone. It was only reminding me of how my crush used to “luuuurv” to talk on phone. Developing instant chicken feet to interact 1 on 1- even faster than any instant (chicken) noodle available on our globe!

He had wanted to know about too personal things. To the point of getting irritated. I mean, if you were to initiate a relationship, wouldn’t you wish to know each other or explore and realise yourself; rather than asking monotonous questions? Let me try to explain it this way. You go to buy a frock for your friend’s little angel. You would- but have to be sure of her age, fit or choices before you step out to buy. However, would you do the same- while doing that for your best friend? Wouldn’t you want her to go and try the best outfits, before you quickly pay the bill while she maybe changing back, after telling you that she had been wanting to buy that burgundy tube- top?

Coming home this time- I had given it a serious thought charting out the details as I have here. Nopes, this guy just didn’t seem to be fitting in. Yet, whenever I said that we need to talk- he would just slime his way (talks) past.

Bless my vodka shots, I had called up Ruby to discuss; what I was completely taken aback about. She had as usual supported me great lengths. It seems; this guy had missed out upon the details that I had shared- about my having involved with his youngest brother at one point of time. What else did relationship mean? He seemed to be too bothered about it the day we had decided to “gamble”. We had hardly interacted after I had agreed “to gamble”. He had frozen himself rock solid- one trait that just is no way acceptable.

He had called up only a few minutes back before I had called up Ruby. Everytime, I was deciding to shake him out; I would again think on the lines of atleast talking it out with him. Although, my intuitions had kept signalling otherwise. Last evening, I had decided for good to not to interact with him anymore- come what may.

What do we have here? His sardonic vernacular proses had started pouring in through FB messages. In the same manner how he had started “flowing” after my agreeing to- (no points for guessing) “gamble”. No exchange of greetings or pleasantries; but sadistic meloncholic lines spilling more sadness than any Gothic text.

I had tried replying, remaining as composed as possible. He then posted a video too. Some junk forward that we never care to see through. I would rather read something informative- or my own Blog- should anybody say that I write crap.. 😉 I too had sent him a link of my post through messages. This post talked about what had happened all those years back. Half hour (maybe) later, he called up in a very low tone. His voice had sounded brutally demanding. Hats off to my courtesy that I had answered his call despite having decided not to. He wasn’t keeping well- or so he had said yesterday. I had definitely exchanged pleasantries. Oh f*ck those greetings. Why the hell had I posted up on his wall..?

That’s it- even before I could explain that I had sent a link through messages as he had, he had snapped the call. Poor fellow, he didn’t know the “Home” would always show others’ status? Or was he viewing my “Profile”? Maybe he didn’t know how FB works. Upstart I said- remember? Or maybe that’s the best he could think of to churn in some more moronity. I had only FB messaged him some time back that “Perhaps he romances being heart- broken.. Apparently, it seems that no matter what, the chances are that he would find out a reason to stay gloomy.. If that’s not all, he wasn’t letting me talk it out.. Is this how he wanted to handle things??” in different messages.

I had tried calling him up to explain- he had disconnected me every single time. A sms had beeped saying “he was occupied”. I had had enough by then. I don’t wish to mother babies. I then replied that “he may choose to stay in that state for ever, for all I cared. I was done listening to his sardonic talks.” A reply sms had beeped “Thanks (innumerable exclamation marks)” and “Bye (IEM again)”.. That was that.. he had only poked me reminding how VP talked “Blessing me” and asking me to “take care” when all he did was planning how to screw my state of being.

“Get the hell out of my Life..” End of chapter. That’s the text I had sent- verbatim.

I had already dealt with my crush in 2005- given his trait of not answering my calls!! What relationships would he lead anyways when he is just not open to “listen”; either for his redundant thought process or even for his ignorance about SNS.

I am only shuddering thinking what if this had not happened this evening..

Somebody..? Anybody..? HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (IEM)

Refer: How to sniff a Loser

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Tale of 2 brothers

Disclaimer: Please proceed reading this post at your own risk. The contents of this post maybe distasteful and invoke depression. This post about what happened in 1998; also connects me to my present day. I have restrained my choice of words to express only what I had felt back then. The details of the things happening today; will have to wait to appear.
As I write this- a new perspective has again struck me. I had not felt “fine” about this, back then too. Maybe, my Destiny has given me an opportunity to share my mind- after all these years. It’s been about half year that I am trying to conclude all unfinished business. I wouldn’t say “make amends” since I can’t go back in time; but acknowledge and accept my equal involvement in something that I had and still not treated as “fine”.
Regrets..? None

It’s getting as cynical as possible.

Today, as I write this; the situation is stood, looking back at me. In as many words, I am standing face to face with my episode that had happened making me bitter for everyone.

Kamal was only a stranger and yet wanting to carry on. Only a couple of days later- I was again played by someone who could have been a friend!! The indulging would have happened anyways with time. But nopes. It proved to be worse- it was actually getting used up. It was more or less similar to the relationships I had lived till then- the only difference, this time round- it really wasn’t even a relationship, to begin with.

My Life couldn’t have been anymore rude to me.

7th November, 1998

I was to go for an interview with Star Trek- a JV sort of company with Portacabin Engineers. After meeting my “would be” boss, I had gone to meet Rajat. He had wanted me to go over to a place in Malviya Nagar. That was his eldest brother’s rented apartment. A nice house with all the comforts and provisions; was what it was. My 1st comment seeing the place was that it didn’t look like a bachelor lived there.

His eldest brother had lost his wife almost- maybe a year back. Yet, the place was kept neat. I had so wanted to believe when Rajat said that we do need someone to sustain ourselves. Sweet words maybe, but that’s not what he had meant. I had found out the truth just soon enough. Whatever Rajat had told me was falling into place. It didn’t seem that he was a part of that house- hold. He seemed to have been written off. Although, I strongly believe that blood relations never get coldly treated. Don’t look at mine- I stand to be the exception.

No sooner I had wanted to make some coffee, he wad wanted to lay me down. I had not known what had hit me. Probably, he was too good at asserting himself physically on girls. It went on as coldly as it had with Kamal or even Blotch.

Although he had gone off to snooze thereafter, I had sat wondering what exactly I had stepped into? His eldest brother seemed more like a gentleman- how could he be so different? I had become too bitter to react. It was more like I wasn’t thinking in my right senses. I had not wanted to treat myself with any respect- anymore. I was making myself getting used up, with no regrets.

Working with his brother at my place of work, I had kept thinking where it was leading to? He seemed to be a different guy- wanting to handle Life in a matured way- unlike Rajat. He would often tell me to get settled with someone. To “live” with someone to live. I had almost wanted to tell him that he could extend the proposal himself. I knew he was married once. I knew he had lived in a committed relationship before. He had lost her to death. I understood well that that would also mean that he would keep talking about her more often. I was completely in sync with the idea that I was a girl and he was a man.. I knew it would have taken time before I would have felt for him.

My circumstances had hushed me up. I was an orphan and leading a life of an illegitimate woman. My mom had died. My dad had been absconding. My maternal uncle had turned me out of my home. Would he have stepped forward and bridged the gap?

I wasn’t really thinking at all. I had wanted to just walk that path, finishing all of my sensitivity, of being a woman. I had lived a couple of relationships till then and yet, had never made Love. I had had slept alright; but had slept through the act, not feeling what was happening to my body. Or to my state of being!!

One another time I had gone there wanting to talk. Yet again, I was only laid- used up and sent back.

Travelling to Vijay Nagar after work from Malviya Nagar was not working out. My boss had been telling me to shift somewhere around. Ralhan had offered help. Some help it was.. :-/ (read: another post) I had shifted to Madangir- more or less a village of South Delhi. Rajat had comeover undeclared one day and had left after the session. It wasn’t going anywhere- and I was going crazy over the sequence. I guess; my mental sanity was hitting me back.

Just then Hemant had stepped in as a friend. He worked with Portacabin Engineers. He was as innocent, as a guy could be to a girl, treating her like a 5 year old. He had known of this episode. What twist of the stances. There was this day when Rajat had comeover and indulged. In the evening, I had made connections with Hemant. What was I thinking? This- I had felt so unclean Rajat touching me. I had wanted to scrape off every bit of my flesh, wherever he had touched me.

Thereafter, I had decided to shout him out of my Life.

That evening, he had come hopping pretty jovially. He had complimented the skirt I wore. It was hand painted. It seemed he knew about painting/printing (now I have discovered- how; details later) details. He had already spent a few minutes wanting me to give in. That’s right- “already a few minutes” had gone by and he had failed to initiate. He was in for surprise.

“Olivia, I am single, you do stand a chance- who knows we may or not want to be together after sometime; so why commit..?” I had shown him the door. He had blabbered down the stairs that from then onwards I would practically starve for any physical relationship- I had screamed to get the hell out of my place.

It makes me feel very uncanny to have been writing this. I am only amused at watching my Life come full circle- right back at Me. If I had not insulted Rajat out of my place the other day; he would have left me heartbroken someday very soon.

There are two ways of dealing with things

  • One- avoid. Takes no time for you to act healed up.
  • Two, become indifferent. Takes very long.

I am doing just that right now- trying to go easy on my ownself. More than anyone else; I need to understand well, that what’s happened- has happened. Someone trying to make me miserable reminding me how that could be an impediment to my future settlement; I choose to react in my own appropriate manner.

By Staying Indifferent.

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Invoking the Goddess’s Divinity in Me

Introduction: Mahishashura Mardini (Annihilation of Mahisasura), a collection of verses and songs broadcast by All India Radio, Calcutta (now Kolkata) at 4 am, in the dawn of Mahalaya.
Birendra Krishna Bhadra (1905 – 1991) was an Indian broadcaster, playwright, actor and theatre director from Kolkata, and a contemporary of Pankaj Mallick and Nazrul Hasan. He worked for the All India Radio, India’s National Radio broadcaster for several years during its early, starting 1930s, and during this period he produced and adapted several plays.
Today, he is most known for his soaring Sanskrit recitation through a two hour audio program.
I take all pride to note that Birendra Krishna Bhadra was born in August too.. 😀


It’s been years that I have been losing something every October.. At times more than I could spare –

  • Mom,
  • My Home,
  • Relationships..

Is it in the process of relieving me of all the worldly attachments possible? Then again, I am only a mortal and not Divine yet!!

October had taken my only relationship possible worth calling one:


I have been awake since 3.30am this morning. I hear the Direct Telecast of “MahishasurMardini” still. The original program has ended now at 5.30am. I had wanted to go back to sleep while it was dark- it is still dark. I am unable to think of hitting the bed again. Locating the cassettes I had bought a few years back, I am hearing the recital on my Sony walkman again. Oh, I had bought this walkman primarily to hear this alone- headphones sticking to my earlobes and not letting any other sound distract for that one and half hours.

While straightening the walkman wires, I recall how mom used to give me the jumbled wool balls lying entangled for years. I would sit patiently, untangling the wool strings for hours, without breaking the cord giving her back the wool balls to knit. I would sit to open the knots, releasing the clump of different wool strings. I must have been all of 5 years, when I had done that the 1st time. Atleast that’s where I can go back upto! However, the fact remains that I have not been able to figure out- how to undo the massive tangle (read: my Life) that Divine has created for me to work upon. It seems it would last my Lifetime and yet stay closely knotted. It doesn’t add to the amusement that the cords I have been given to unravel are myriad colors :-/

Mahalaya brings some very ugly memories back to my mind..

It was in October ’96 that I was forced to leave my home. I was made to stand on the road. I was compelled to literally hit the road, packing up my existence and whatever little of self- respect was left in me. I had heard the same Mahalaya recital- the morning I had morphed into a street- walker.

Thrown Out of My Home

Whatever all has happened ever since has changed my perspective and outlook towards Life and also in general.

It pains me no more to write here that ever since I had only been judged, commented and accused of. By all and everyone for the things that have happened to me. What business does anyone have to leave me deprived of my future since something may have happened in my Past? If so moved, I dare all concerned that they make amends- by taking a step today, towards my betterment and stop me add any more to my Past.

It is quite easy to assess a sorted out tabulated data adding a conclusion to it. Why can’t they step up to prevent any more damages by assessing the assorted crude facts given? I don’t wish to call them spineless even- they don’t deserve any mention at all.

Why do they forget that my Past Stance happened because someone just like them had acted as much carelessly, as they themselves are now- in the Present Stance. Maybe, I should really close myself- allowing no one to peep inside and pass judgements. They would anyways move away knowing about me. Just where were they when such Past Stance were being created?

If you choose to shrug saying I wasn’t aware of what was happening then; be a man enough to accept what can’t be changed anyways. Your choice of awarding importance to something unchange-able just establishes the fact that you won’t have acted back then even. Strong words? How mellowed is your judgement about me- Sweetheart??

Today happens to be yet another Mahalaya morning in October. Sitting crying is certainly not the best way to start a morning. Then again, I don’t have anything to smile about. I cry not because of what has happened; but because of what is happening. Whoever says, we should Forget Our Past; please contact me.

I am waiting to see.. who proves out to be stronger this time-

  • Is it My situations taking away more? I have none to spare now.. Excepting Indifference.
  • Or my ability to give up even without registering the loss? Again; Indifference.

I out-dare this month- this year, on Mahalaya morning, to try and hit me again..


Maha- Amavasyar Ei Probhate, Aami Apnara Shobai Ke SHUBHO MAHALAYA Janai..

“In this morning of an auspicious New Moon, I wish you all a very Favorable Mahalaya..”
The Image is a handi- craft created by the author herself

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Hitting yet another Milestone

My being passionate, strong- willed and determined; was tested time and again. I would have been lost, getting crushed along with the dry leaves years back. It was only due to my being adamant to stay alive; that I have survived till now.

Loads of fallen Relationships (both blood and others), a broken marriage and loads of criticism is all I have earned so far. The day I wrote the 1st post is still vivid to me. I had decided to write my biography since long; but wasn’t sure how to put all the ugly events across. It was like battling with my own self. I wasn’t sure about how the readers would react. It was also about how I would go back in time to re- live my experiences and stay true to my feelings while writing them here.

Here, I have reached to share an incident not known to anyone. I had shared this with Ruby after years. As I said, the apprehension was more within myself trying to understand the sequence, instead of feeling embarrassed or anything else. I have not only written it across, but also have let go of it.

I feel; I am doing myself a huge favor by letting go of all that I had held in me. Having said that I feel as if I am a young girl. Naive, untouched and grinning.

I don’t “vent out”. I take hours to type the precise words. Instead; I share. Why with everyone? Because I have no- one. Isn’t that pretty simple to understand? Definition sets the limitations. I am not bound by any relationships; hence, not bound. I live a very quiet Life. This is how it has been- lonely, silent and haunting. Now, I only scream.. until the audience go deaf hearing to my crooning. It’s not a song I wish to sing to entertain- I wish croon and scare.

Hearing me out, my 1st crush nearly had crushed me.  Leaving me stranded- exactly when I had needed someone to hold upon to get out of that dead- lock relationship; he had “escaped”. That marriage was dead the very day itself and I was locked into it.

My days of keeping worried, to write about, are over.

After having written cards for others’ boyfriends, love- letters to my boyfriend (my ex- spouse); I am now trying to put across my failures, desperation and experiences- in form of writing. I know how to beautify and maybe even morph. Precisely why, the posts that were not at all so sweet, are the maximum traffic generators.

My ability to write, makes me a Winner..!!

This is My Life. Something that I am leading still. If I have survived the stances, I can talk about them as well. To the point of getting criticized or even judged. I so not care about it. Just why at all should I hesitate or feel embarrassed? If at all, it should be them, who created this mess- I so embrace as my Life- who should be.

33 is no age; yet, I feel I have just lived my Life. I have been feeling this since I was 15.

I maybe an emotional one at the core. Yet, I don’t express. I don’t want to show how vulnerable I am.

  • Amn’t I too a human and a woman at that?
  • Amn’t I supposed to be the fair sex and tender at heart?
  • Or is it that I haven’t remain one after going through all that I have?

The rolling of the experiences are still on.

Each time I stop to breathe, pondering about how to write or express- I am hit in my face again.

  • Readers’ Questions..
  • Their Reactions..
  • Both Amusement and Amazement..

It so happens that that hit pushes me to write on. To step forward and type all the veracities I have been through. I may not be the only one to be taking it. But I am one of those very few people, who talk to themselves looking at the mirror each time they feel demotivated. Facing my ownself; questioning, confessing and analyzing.

Here, I stand again- watching myself. Feeling happy about exactly a “not so happy” stance. That I was able to take it again; meant I am healed. I have learnt my way to get pricked and use it to produce words. This time round, a jolt has so prepared me mentally that I am on my way to come out of my state of helplessness (read: my current phase). It feels nice to have been able to attain yet another level of Indifference.

I am not at all ashamed or embarrassed of the things that have happened to me. However, people, after knowing about those do still shy away. I so fail to understand- if they were the people who called me strong; why couldn’t they rest on me letting me fight out yet again? Isn’t that how dependence work?

You would have to step up to feel elated. Likewise, you would have to dive in, to feel the depth. My situations, circumstances and my treating them in certain manner; constitute my experiences. I don’t stand bow headed cursing my fate. I love to take things in my stride. Maybe that’s why I feel stronger. I step right on them coming out of that deep mess.

That’s what I am doing with my words. I am resting on them, letting them make it up for the lost years in time. I am aware of the magic that words create. By writing about all, the spell has been cast..

I am now waiting for my World to become Wonderful!!


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Standing at a Cross- Road

A table clock has 12 marks displaying the 12 hours of a day. After crossing 12 at noon, it again strikes 1.

Here I am, standing exactly where I had stood 12 years back. Some huge Divine Clock had as if fixed me then, with the hour’s wing making me strike 1 again!

  • It’s the similarity of the circumstances that is disturbing.
  • If that’s not all, it’s only reminding me of yet another episode that had happened in 2005.
  • What is even more haunting is the fact that that’s exactly where I have reached writing My Biography.

What exactly is Time wanting me to read?

  • That I am losing an opportunity- again like I had then?
  • Or it was never an opportunity- to begin with?

I am fighting out within myself to stay as Indifferent as possible- given the current situation and my thought process. I am judgemental. I am trying not to reach any conclusion and leave it at that before trying. Once I make up my mind- it’s difficult to change it- no matter what!! Moreover, I just don’t run after the gone; That’s so not me. If at all, I walk back, the moment I notice a shaky trait without wasting a second.

Although it’s the current development that is keeping me occupied, I am drifted back to a more recent stance that had happened to me in 2005. There’s more to it- even that one’s an unfinished business. I feel that it’s about time that it would hit me anyday now. Once again.

Destiny calling maybe..!!

Whichever way; looking at such uncanny resemblances, I am bound to step out of my Cage. I am preparing to fly away- far off again. It’s just about time that I break free once again. Standing at 1 o’clock, I am reading much beyond a “Life coming full circle”. There’s more to it. There are messages hidden for me.

It’s not the similar situation alone- that maybe all; there are other beginnings it’s hinting at. I am waiting to embrace all. I am desperately trying to figure out which way or more is it wanting me to look at. Is the new situation capable of lifting me and away? Or is it only a precursor of the actual and bigger thing waiting for me? I would have so loved the native thing to come upon me too.

I am unable to read it completely. There are bunch of perspectives yet to be explored. Everyday ever since that’s happened (again), I am reflected onto a new aspect.

Will I be happier? Yes, because stepping out of my captivity is all I want for now- at any cost. It would be too cheap at any price.

I am waiting for you My Dear Friend Destiny. Strike me again!!

After Note: Destiny did strike me 😀 My Intuitions proved to be right- “It was never an opportunity- to begin with..

Sweet Sensation – If Wishes Came True
This one’s one of my fave songs- the 1st one to be precise. After maybe 20 years, I have been able to locate the video.. Today having being able to; it feels really special. One, this one is my 1st song I had identified myself with. Two, I found it right when I was to press this post. I mean, I found my long lost love song 😀 when I was writing about a full- circle situation. This situation seems to be God- sent; or else, why would I have wanted to “hunt” for the song again out of the Blue? Oh yes, BLUE is the word..!!
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“Time” is not the Biggest Healer

It’s the Time, that reflects the biggest message possible-

  • To Move On.
  • To Roll By.
  • To stay detached after the moment passes by.

Time isn’t the healer. Mind is. It is your mind that makes you understand and assess. Time only acts as a medium. It won’t carry you forwardly if you choose to sit down and cry. That’s what the time teaches. To carry on. To not halt.

Ever watched a clock?

  • The seconds wing keeps flying..
  • The minutes wing keeps recording..
  • The hour wing watches minutely..

Apparently, they all move away.

  • The seconds wing circles it immediately again.
  • The minutes wing takes a little time to circle again.
  • The hours wing does that after a very long time.

The closely the wings observe, the later they re- pass the ticking. Then again; each time that they do so, they show a different time.. The longer you take to transition (instead of hurrying over); the farther you keep yourself from bumping onto it again!

The 3 simple needles make the date and day happen making them change to weeks, months and years. History won’t have happened if time hadn’t moved. Centuries won’t have happened if time had stopped.

Likewise, to change; you need to move. You need to grow. You need to morph. Coal won’t have become diamond if it had resented. It would have gotten decayed. It would have failed to stay coal even.

Watch the watch closely.

It keeps its face up no matter what. Never ever would it tell time without showing up. With pride; it shows its wings flying by. It doesn’t feel embarrassed to reflect upon a non- stationery aspect. “Move on” is not that in itself. It contains a big one.

  • Move On- Walk past
  • Move On- Look beyond
  • Move On- Don’t repeat
  • Move On- Think.. Think.. Think.. till you hit the right perspective!!
  • Move On- Or else it would stale and stink
  • Move On- Stationery is synonymous with suspended, staggered and stagnated
  • Move On- Oh yes, let go of it- now 🙂
  • Move On- Till you can
  • Move On- and that’s what you should.

Wind is only when the air moves; else, it’s vacuum.

Spring is till it “falls” else it becomes standing puddle.

Will you stop breathing because it’s storming?


  • Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.

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I want to Break Free

I had turned into a recluse- Blogging has pushed me back to Life. I don’t vent, I communicate. Beyond words, relationships and limitations, i.e., It’s my mind talking out loud in open. Let everyone comment. The good ones make me feel better. The nasty ones (not many really) make me tougher. Adding to my endurance, tolerance and my ability to answer back.

Even while typing this one out, I am constantly answering my mails and chats. Fellow Bloggers, New Joinees, Queries.. I wonder; if I ever be able to achieve a state of solidarity- chances are slim. Maybe my Computer does read my mind. It doesn’t let me stay confined. It seems strange now; how I had closed myself for the last 3 years… I have blog friends beside my other friends (from my childhood, school) connected with me. I have been sailing through extremes, either a crowd; or just me.

It’s 7.30 in the morning. Pretty unusual for me to be tapping keys and making posts!! I have had troubled times and yet, have slept snoring (I do like a cat- mom would say, a light sound expressing content). Last night, I couldn’t.

It’s been 3 nights now..

I am fighting back my tears. Failing as I had late last night. And the night previous. Had I seen it coming? Yes, I had. And the confusion? Yes, that included. What am I thinking? Or wanting to..?

I am a die- hard optimist. Almost pushing things, when they look impossible to be achieved the most. I am at a point again where I am pondering upon why things keep circling around? Is it that they test my ability to keep myself detached… or is it because they want to get attached?

The two cyclical conclusions that I reached

  • Things that are not meant to be would never happen. No matter how many times they emerge. It is tough to stay indifferent- but I do tend to become, if forced to and darn cold at that.
  • Explore all possibilities before calling quits or becoming indifferent. Infact, never ever wait for any second or any other “better” opportunity. That never comes by :-/

After a series of ugly chain events, i.e., after breaking away from my dead marriage; I had as if stepped into a live arena. Instead of sorting things out and breathing, I had landed myself into yet another tricky space. As I write this here, I look back and realize, not even a single time it has been hassle- free. Never.

It’s a package deal- I guess.

If that’s been the trend, then why fussing over now? I have been a caring one, and yet indifferent- often rude. No it’s definitely not Love- certainly not. Or is it?

Nopes. It can’t be. Then again..

Apparently, I take things as they come- yet, it’s been very long that I have used my mind so much- thinking about a possibility that could be or .. At this point in time, I am wanting to break a pattern. A strange pattern that I have been forced to live even though that I had not wanted to step into. Is it asking me to stop? Or rush?

Let’s put it this way: I stay in a golden (and not gold) cage, completely secluded. Stranded. Almost suspended. I wish to fly out. Flap my wings, ruffle my feathers, flutter around, look for a mate.. Yeah that too! Pigeons are blessed. They get into a relationship, make eggs and fly away only to look for another mate yet again, the next breeding season.

No hard feelings, no attachments, no “you broke my heart by saying this”, absolutely no expectations, no taking for granted. They are birds in the very essence of the definition. They fly and fly away. Wonder, why don’t confusions creep in when they have multiple relationships in their life- time? Because they follow rules. Giving 100% to the current one- till it lasts.

Maybe, that’s the primary reasons of I closing in. To avoid confusions as far as possible. I believe, it’s too much to pay in return. It costs the relationship eventually. You either fight it-out right- staying indifferent or else just don’t step in.

I know how to fly away– I only wish to fly now.

I’m making my attempts…


Posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

My Saturday Date

It was sweet- I choose to call it a Date.. 😀

Perhaps, no-one gets as many opportunities as I do. To live, forgive and enjoy.

I had traced my ex- boss, on FB late night after pressing that post. Really now, Life couldn’t get any better.

I had not been able to speak much with him for 3 months that I had worked with him in 1997- courtesy Rajat. He would always tell me to stay steer clear of his elder brother. Obviously, he had not wanted even a dead soul to be knowing about his Casanova life- style.

Well, I had sent him a message on FB asking if he remembered anything of me. His reply was simple- yet spoke volumes (I do this bit of reading beyond words). I won’t give details of his personal things- excepting the things that I am or was already a part of. I had observed him pretty close- that’s my second nature anyways. What’s the 1st again? Reading people. Actually, that goes hand in hand.

He was struggling to come out of his 1st emotional episode- when I had met him the 1st time. He had lost his lady only a year back. Yet, he had wanted to keep himself strong and carry on with his Life. After maybe a year and a half, he had wanted to settle down again. BTW, marriages are great affairs; more social than personal- here in India. I did get to meet this other lady a couple of times.

I would keep to myself at work- almost occupied. That instance was still fresh- barely a few days old. If that was not all, there was confusion about Rajat- that had cropped up too. Details later please. He would keep pressing me to stay cheered up. “Pressing”, because I wasn’t very communicative. What would I have told him that I was involved with his youngest brother- for nothing? Nevermind.

He would keep suggesting that I go and meet one Ms. Raj for a counselling session. Really!! I had not needed that. I strongly believed and still do- that it’s all within yourself. Counselors don’t undergo what you do while taking that crap. Unfortunately, good friends don’t happen in this age of rat- race; and so, such counselors have made it into our lives. You know what I mean?

He would often suggest me that I get married and start leading my Life in a big way. He had known a little about me. He had wanting me to get settled. It had bothered me so much that I had almost asked him what were his apprehensions in extending that help himself! He was not to know that Marriages don’t happen unless destined- did I say Destiny? A bitter fact that he has learnt about now. I wish he had not..!!

Feelings? ummm.. maybe.

I had troubled him the most while working with him. Our work- styles had clashed. I just don’t know why; but I always goofed up at the simplest of the tasks. Good, that I had worked with him at one point of time- even though it was short stint. A few basics that I have learnt, have taken me to a level, where I am single handedly responsible for all Data Maintenance; at my present place of work.

Data Maintenance? My readers know how good I am at it- LOLsss

Although we had met for a very short time- he was expecting guests at his place; we ended up staying together for over 4 hours. While discussing the not so pleasant things; we had gone out on a drive. Oh yeah!! I love long drives- Even though that I don’t look forward to be falling in Love (the concept of Love is pretty subjective for me), I don’t cease to grab the opportunity whenever I get one to go out on a pleasure trip.

It was a mixed evening. Things he shared about himself were not so nice. The very fact that he could speak out- was pleasing. I wish he had spoken with me back then too. Wait..!! I have already said so yesterday. My Dear sweet readers, please don’t try to read beyond 😉 I maybe cooking in my mind- but out loud, there’s no fire; or maybe there is some- 😀

Life comes full circle. The same guy who had once wanted me to stay alive is the one- who acknowledged that if anyone has actually stayed alive- that’s me. I had always assured him that no matter what, I would keep giggling even in the worst of my situations. Here, after 12 years and just so many bitter experiences that Life could have given me- I had sat giggling next to him. I must admit, I had acted as if I was the same teenager and not a woman of 33.

But that’s how I am. I can’t stop to laugh about. That’s so not Me. I have the capacity and audacity both; to laugh at the ugliest of the episodes- right on their face. Happiness lies within you- incase you join that with outwardly things, the chances are that the moment that thing is gone, you would clam back to your shell; feeling more miserable.

On second thoughts, clams stay in vast sea waters. They are as delicate as tendons. They reflect upon to a very important message. That one should know how to balance one’s life and not lose into the depth of situations. Shell is fine, but only to stay and survive and not to adopt as a lifestyle.

Musings– He would tell me that I would fit into a corporate kind of an office. I still don’t know if that was out of sarcasm- but yes, I have enjoyed working with global MNC and corporate offices. I had also constructed a Doll- House while working with him. It was a delicate wooden construction that I had never attempted at before. A company uses that on their brochure for commercial. He confessed yesterday that that was his idea to put that image on the catalog. Atleast, I have him now to stamp the fact that I had slogged over something as complicated as that.. 😀 We discussed everything that we could- both about him and me; separately though- thanks. Of Rajat’s hit on me and my rude reaction. Of my Past.. all that’s on My Blog anyway. Yeah, he checked My Blog too.. 🙂 Nice of him to have attempted to know me before meeting me (winkie!!) A common link was also discovered amongst our circle.

He stays from where I had started my stay- here in Gurgaon. What is time pointing at, this time? That my stay here is over now?That it’s time for me to move on?

A sagging roll- over or a new beginning?

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Let there be Light..!!

To bring in light, you need to open up all the closed doors and windows.

But first, clear the cob- webs. A rigorous dusting session would be required to take the dust off. Send the curtains for laundry. Change the upholstery.

Under the furnitures, are the most dirty floors. Check out the corners, grime would be sitting thick there. Corners are the meeting point of two walls, often infested with spider webs and molds. Relationships often tend to become furnitures. Objects of utility- stationery and taken for granted. Lift them up, move them a bit. If they creak, it’s best to replace. Both for the old wood and your house. That way, atleast they could be re- done into something new. Don’t wait until they break. They’ll bring a sitting you down too, fracturing your bones. Check in to see if any webs may have molded the common links. All you need to do is wipe the webs clean. You don’t want spiders all over your house crawling from those walls.

Pick up those candle- stands, the dripped wax may have settled around the stand. Scrape it off- layer by layer. Source of light may also be needing some cleansing. Don’t take your special loved ones- who lighten up your Life, for granted. Remove the dripped wax set there. If you don’t, the wick would someday do what it does the best. Too much of molten wax would set your house on fire. By the time your things turn into ashes, it would be too late. You wouldn’t even get to realize what brought that upon you.

Before expecting Time to heal your wounds, you need to do your bit.

It’s your mind and your ownself that is. Time is only a media; ether for all of us to float in. It would only rinse, you would have to do the cleansing yourself. Anyways, it’s you, only your efforts would do; an outside media and person will only join into the process, when you are done with it. You’ll have to lay the foundation by initiating the steps yourself. If I want my pigeons to be gracing my veranda sill, I would have to place a (now their) birdbath, to invite them. It won’t work the other way.

To be able to see around, you need to open up your eyes. You would get to see things- both ugly and pleasing. Your wanting to stay blind isn’t a solution to your wanting to see only good.

A cleaning regimen won’t help; unless, you open up the closed panes. Merely showing light won’t help, if it is dirty. The surface won’t catch much health. At times, you would need to swab more than once. It may be wanting a hard scrub too.

Definitely, cleaning isn’t a very alluring job.. But staying dirty is certainly not the lifestyle you should lead instead.

Staying indoors to avoid ugly surroundings really won’t do any good. You would not know of the world and would stay possessed within your own dust. Don’t forget; keeping yourself locked accumulates dust too. You need to bring yourself out to open and under the sun to keep yourself refreshed.

You’ll have to do the cleaning keeping the windows and doors open. Or else, the dust will keep settling on you, irritating your state of being. Your immediate neighbors and passersby would get to watch you doing the spring cleaning. They would come aware of the amount of dirt, furniture and your space of accommodation.

To be able to attain Salvation, you need to have served all your Karmas.

That’s precisely what I am doing. writing My Biography. Enlightenment is all I need.

Remember, the two best things- shower and s*x; are enjoyed bare and naked the best..?? Besides, you were born naked- so why the facade now? 😉
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Weekend Joys with My Family Friends

It is only super- natural that I am being watched over.

The post that I pressed late last night or rather early this morning; is about an incident that had happened many years back. Although I would never want a similar situation to happen to me or any one else; I couldn’t ignore the strange similarity of someone watching over me. It is only a miracle that no sooner I had finished writing that post; I got to chat with 2 special friends.
Ruby too had read the post- almost the same time. I noticed that only in the morning.
Anjum chose not to return my phone call. I had called her up some 2 months back. Time has changed, maybe she too has..
Although I was and am on my own, I wasn’t left alone back then when that had happened, Thanks to Anjum. Even now, when I have typed that out, I was online with friends. So, even though Vodka had worn off, the high of I being surrounded by friends had kept me writing. It is only but natural to acknowledge a few friendships that I have earned very recently. Initially, I had sent an email since I had not wanted to disturb the chain of the posts. Now that I can take a break, I am pressing it here.
This is what I had posted in my email. The choice of colors have been keeping in mind their Blog Template and personal choice of colors while marking emails.. Should anybody be wanting any change, please notify; I would be humbled to incorporate your color suggestions.. 😀
Hi all,
Only a small gesture to say Thanks.. You girls have made a huge difference to my Life, Blog and Blogging Life.. I treasure your friendship and owe it to you all.. bigtime!!
– With Loads of Love  –
Posting it in a post will take some time since I don’t wish to kill the biography sequence- but sharing this couldn’t have waited..
Glad to be a Family with you all
~ Olivia

A few replies that I have received on the original email.

  • Jingle: Listen to music, do some other readings, have fun yourself.
  • Amanda: Liv, you are a special girl and I love you for doing this, for always being there to all of us and I treasure your friendship as well. I have been busy with other things and am back now and will go on FB more often also!! Thanks for being YOU, thanks for showering us with so much love and thanks for being family with us. I love you too!!!! Big hugs Mandy oxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
  • Lisa Hayes: Aw thanks Olivia! I’m glad you’re doing better. Sometimes all it takes are kind words and encouragement. Keep up the good work!
  • Jamie Dedes: Olivia, this is sooo you!  Thank you. It’s darling.  And you make a big difference to us …
  • Riika Infinity: Cute! haha~ Thank you so much!!!! Send hugs and kisses back XDXD Have a fun week ahead my friend. Love 😛
  • Kavita Rao: This is super sweet! Thank you so much Olivia!!! Wowwwiiiieeezzzz. Love you loads, girlie!! Have a beautiful Friday and a fantastic weekend!! mwaahh ~Kavz
  • Annie Welch: This is wonderful Olivia!!  I feel so cool to be considered part of this family!!! having a rough day… and connecting with you all makes me calm a bit.

Last but not the least- I am thankful to Destiny and to you all for catching me when I have just started to Blog- Love you all..

Ruby Sweetheart, This ones for you too. Girlie, I love you mega- bits xox

Dear Anjum, no matter wherever you be- may success be always yours. Anytime, you need me- I am only a call away..

With Loads of Love to all of you.. Happy Weekend!!

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Killing myself over- Almost

Disclaimer: Please proceed reading this post at your own risk. The contents of this post maybe distasteful and invoke depression. The choice of words have been well thought of. The image is as on Site.


I had needed some shots of Vodka to write this one. Not drunk really, but get as much close to my ownself. I tend to become alert after a couple of drinks. My mind works as if it were of a genius’.
I want to stay true. I so do not wish to accuse anyone, or be at all sympathetic to my own self. I wish to depict the event as it had happened; and in no other way.


Meeting Rajat at Saket, I had analyzed him within a few seconds. He was yet another loser, wanting a respite in a strong woman. My single name and missing father’s name were enough- to tell anyone smart, how I was. His communication skills were excellent. To keep up the trend of handsome boyfriends; he resembled Vivek Oberoi. He had floated an option of staying together.

hahahaha..!! @%#&^%@##@

I wonder- did I look like such a fool that I were to get into an arrangement, where I would be at a complete loss? I had not needed any more support. Ruby had jumped in, without any conditions; why had I needed anyone? Money? He had none.

He had heaved a big sigh wanting to know how I was planning to carry on. He was taken aback when I had discussed my strategy. He could not believe a word of it. May be I was too fast for him.

I had wanted a committed relationship. Or none. Anyways, I had different plans in my mind.

I have always been a traditional woman. Wanting my man to be my provider. If I were to work to slog for a decent salary; what is that man good for? If at the end of the day, I have to struggle to meet my ends- I don’t want that man. I would be better off left alone.


My days in Siddharth were numbered. I had only a few days to act upon. I knew Kamal Kalra was somewhat infatuated. I had called him up again. I was very right about that fact. Even though that was a formal “exchanging pleasantries” call, he had again expressed his desire to meet me. This time round, I had agreed to.

I knew where it was going. I also knew what it would have led to. Then again, I had wanted that to work in my favor too..

He was yet another middle aged man. He looked either bored with his life or not really appreciative of what he had. His wife Rachna was a sweet lady. She conversed fluently in English. She had struck a good rapport with me on phone. Yet, it seemed Kamal wasn’t happy. Not that his unhappiness was any more justified.

I guess I had met him at ITO somewhere. I had boarded his black Cielo, stepping into an episode, which I had not been able to take in my stride for long.

Infact, up until now.

That I am writing about it today, has taken enough thoughts, retrospection, brooding and fighting with my ownself.

Kamal had taken me to someplace in Faridabad. Of course, we had indulged. I had carried my make- up too. I had as if foreseen that I would have to scrape off that applied bit and re- do the smudged part again. Since it was a hotel- room, I had showered before applying make- up.

It wasn’t as simple as I have written here. He seemed to be too unhappy with things he owned. A lovely educated wife, a good business and a high- end life. I  had clearly told him that I had needed money. He had given me a couple of thousands and promised the rest soon.

I had gotten myself dropped at Saket. Rajat was to meet me there. He had snatched my hand- bag to check if what I said was true. There- those bundles of notes lay peacefully in my brown bag. I had not wanted to spend anymore time with him and gotten up to go home.

I had become more like a statue. No emotions or feelings had bothered me. Upon reaching home, I had picked up that packet, Rajat had handed me to pass that to Ranu. That evening seemed the right time to meet new people. I was told that I could also hand that over to Anjum- her room mate.

Anjum had always been out for her dance- classes. That evening, I had met her eventually. A young girl even more beautiful than Preity Zinta, had stood right before my eyes. In her affectionate tone she had wanted to know my reason of dropping by. I was so lost, watching a beautiful girl with waist length open hair, that I had fogotten everything that had happened throughout the day. She had with so much of affection held my hand and pulled me inside her room. Keeping that packet aside, she had wanted to talk about everything to strike an immediate friendship. I was mesmerized with her innocence and simplicity. Not only that, she had wanted me to stay over for the night too. She had made me go over to my place, change and reach back to eat dinner together and talk till late and sleep, sharing the same blanket. She is one sister I could never have.

She also stayed in Vijay Nagar in the next building to that of mine. She danced very well. She was a trained Kathak dancer. She sang equally well. Her effervescence had made me forget my pain as if that had never happened. At nights, we would snuggle into the same blanket, as sisters would and give in to oblivion.

We had often spent our evenings singing classical or dancing. It was after meeting this girl that I came aware that I could dance too. Till then, signing had remained my forte. I had met Ranu a couple of days later. We had bonded well too. I had hardly gone to my place thereafter. I spent my evenings and nights with them.

At Siddharth, I had resigned. But not before meeting Ms. Reeta Dikshit. She is the daughter of JaiPrakash Gaur. It seemed that she was somewhat aware of the issues.- through Mansi. My speaking with her had affirmed all the rumors she had been hearing about the telemarketers. Telepower India P Ltd, the marketing consultancy was put under the spotlight soon.

I had managed to take my salary check too. A couple of days later, I had called up Deepak and spoke to him. I had learnt, if Ajay was to be reached; it was through Deepak. As my fate would have it, a mini argument had sparked up with Niharika, the day I had gone to collect my last pay- check. She had felt, as if I had ignored her the 1st time she had looked my way.

It was she, who ignored us considering us lesser mortals. For all that it was, it was only my hesitation that had made her think otherwise. I had anyways given her a piece of my mind and walked out leaving the telemarketing room of 8th floor at VC gaping at my words.

Handa had cried and sniffed. His patented farewell to all employees. He had apologized for his words and behavior. I so not cared anymore. I had become resilient over the weekend. I had worn my white satin silk with brown and orange abstract pattern print sari. I had made them believe that I had managed to look for an alternative.

Reality was far from it.

I had met Kamal a few days later. In total, he must have given me 10,000 odd bucks. He had wanted the affair to continue. For me, it wasn’t an affair. It was a business deal. To hurt myself both well and bad; I had not wanted to meet him again. I had made that episode look to me as if I had been a one- time …

Ruby had not known a word of it; neither had Ralhan.

I had needed money. It was the need of that hour; that’s how I had treated it. I didn’t want an affair where a man would have no time for me. I would have respected him more if he had not indulged into what he had with me. But then, that’s how men are. He had wanted to see me and I made him pay a hefty price.

You readers may conclude as many things as may strike your mind. To me, it was a plain business. Had this man expressed even a bit of feelings; I may have considered staying in. All I had, was one shot. I hit it and came out with what I had needed. I could have been left bare handed. But that’s where I had won. I bet, you readers may not have pointed out on me- as many times, if I had let this affair carry on. Of getting used up- again and again till it had sagged in me..!!

That’s where I have been battling with my ownself.

I had gone out to meet a man. I knew he was interested in me. I had only half hour to analyse if he would be able to help me with what I had wanted. Whatever happened in that 1 meeting, in return of cash, was a pure business to me. He was looking for easy make out, out of marriage- that’s it. I had only needed some help- that’s that. Sleeping with him was not as tough, as realizing that I was not cut up for such affairs. One time or carry on- either ways..

I was getting a rich business man- ready to dote on me- I had simply turned him down.

Once I had received what I had wanted.

Had I become so mechanic?

It’s by God’s grace that I have never gotten any time to sit and brood about it- until today. Miracle again..!!!

Posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind, Our Society | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Getting Prepared and Stepping Out

To help me out and assist, Ruby had involved everyone- from herself to her boyfriend. Sanjay had prepared my CV at his home Computer. The xerox of my 10th standard certificate was done at his place of work. It was a matter of co- incidence that only a 10th standard passing certificate copy was left with me. Remember, I had lost all my education certificates because of Blotch?

She had gifted me a pretty suit on my Birthday. A navy Blue Batik suit. It was a formal cotton suit. Sanjay’s parents had given me some cash in an envelope. needless to even mention that they had celebrated my birthday with great enthusiasm. That’s how it used to be on my birthdays.

I would often go to stay at her place. With Ruby and her sisters around, I would almost forget my problems. Her parents are as loving as they had been to their biological daughters. Since I didn’t use my dad’s name, she had lend me her father’s name there. “Prof. His name”. I was introduced as their cousin sister to their neighbors. Her father had almost thought that we were Primary school friends. We had become friends in our year of Boards.

The same girl, who had made me travel to Rohini from I.P. Extension had also made me travel my Life. Whatever I am, I owe it to Ruby- megatime. If she had not been around- I would have lost it much earlier. My name was changed on my CV- thanks Ruby. She had asked me that I declared, I want people to address me with a different name (Olivia).

After joining Jaypee Hotels, I had morphed into Olivia for good- very soon. Yes, I had joined in as my “earlier name” and become “my mom’s daughter”. I am sure; mom would have loved me more, watching that transition.

I had not given even a word out about that Blotch. I wonder how they would have reacted upon knowing about him. I wasn’t sure how they would have treated me, knowing about a 19 year old being in Live- In Relationship. 1997 was not a year when such staying In relationships were talked about. Actually, it still isn’t even in 2010.

That I had always wanted to be in such a relationship; is completely a different story. After having stayed with Blotch, the charm and my desire were both killed. I didn’t want any relationship to happen at all. Ruby and I had talked about Ralhan too. My opinion was as simple- if he could leave his wife for me; the chances are, he could leave me for some- one else. Moreover, he seemed to be a spineless oldie.

He couldn’t talk about his wife to me. He had started a friendship that was based on pretensions. How at all he could have taken it any further. The foundation was damaged the day it was formed. I don’t appreciate lies. Omission by selection is just that. I had wanted a commitment, involvement and a relationship and not a timepass date.

He had not been able to understand why I had kept quiet knowing about him. he had failed to notice my indifference. I had already stricken him out of my “close” friends. That’s right- there wasn’t anything whereby I could call it a relationship. We were far from it.

The last time Blotch had tried to talk to me was when I had just boarded a bus from ITO. I had worn my Govinda Yellow Tee- shirt and jeans- must have been a Saturday. I had not even looked at him. He had sat next to me. He had kept grumbling like a sadist- “Seems you have changed”, “your sense of dressing too has changed”, “you don’t even seem to notice me..”

Obviously, my Dad too had been nasty, if I could ignore him; I can anyone. I believe I master the art of becoming Indifferent. Moreoever, I always return in abundance. I give what I get- in multiples. I was bound to change. I had money to buy stuff and also no prude sitting on my head trying to instruct me what to wear. I had kept such a straight face, that I had pissed him off. He had felt so frustrated that he had got down at the next bus stop.

Sitting inside the bus, I had only noticed him a couple of days, looking at certain bus numbers, the ones that traveled that side.

The adjoining Hall that I had used while completing my College assignments; I had paid rent for that one too. The camera I had bought before going to Mussourie, had clicked beautiful pictures. Only that the reel was lost!! A few pics that were shot with the new reel, were developed. The studio guy had held out the pics in hesitation. Between my pics, there were some close snap- shots of Male Genital Organ.. OMG, for days together I had kept quiet about that. Gursharan had laughed his face off when I had shared that with him. Obviously, it was both funny and scary too. I had bought that reel from Mussourie itself.. Poor Me..

Not yet. Each succeeding experience had outdone the veracity of the previous one.

Babaji had one day wanted to speak with me. All he said was this- Meena, you seem to be an educated young girl. “Now that you have started earning too, you should move to a more respectable place. This village is not for you to stay..” His words were both bitter and sweet. I had to look for a new place. In the main town. Which meant higher rent; from 700/- to 2000/- maybe, if not more.

I had sought Ruby’s help. Ruby would personally go out and look for a place for me, taking offs from her work.

She had fixed me up to stay with Saloni. We were to share a floor in Janak Puri. Saloni was Ruby’s old contact and was elder to us. I had shifted out bags and baggage. While unloading the tempo, the landlord had become apprehensive. One, because Saloni was missing. Two, because my stuff wasn’t as light as of a single girl. Blame it on our mentality or culture; a single woman is considered as a street-walking nomad.

Ruby’s youngest sister had stepped in to talk it out with the landlord. Saloni had been gracefully missing. A couple of times that she had come, it was at around 10pm. Alongwith her boyfriend. Even though that he had never stayed, watching the two love- birds coochie- cooing was also out of my level of tolerance. Feeding each other, conversing in child- like lisp; I am sorry- I was not cut- up for all that.

We were eventually asked to vacate.

The day I had shifted, I was as if stepping into an unknown terrain. Seeing a single girl shifting out with so much stuff, he had stayed put outside the house till late. The almira I owned was a huge one. I had managed to load it on tempo stuffed with my clothes. Theflat I was to shift in had very narrow staircases. It was practically impossible to carry the almira through such corridors, what to talk of taking that upstairs packed with the clothings inside.

Standing on the street, in complete public view, it was emptied. The tempo owner was too pleased to be watching around. Reaching upstairs to my new house, but without the almira; I had lost it almost. I had sat in the middle of my stuff breaking down without realizing that the driver had quietly sneaked inside and watching me. The money was handed over to him, he had comeback to give that back.

For days together, he had kept calling my new landlords requesting them that he wanted to talk to me. Well, what else, taking pity on a homeless young girl; he had wanted to settle me down with him. WTF..!! How helpless I must have seemed that a Tempo Driver had outrightly wanted me to marry him. For all the foreign readers here, marrying a tempo/truck driver is as good as staying in a village. Uneducated, uncouth men without any set of mannerisms or literacy; one would have to lead a life of a villager belonging to the lowest strata. Wife- beating, man keeping himself drugged, uncountable children, no decent clothing or life- style; it would have been an exact life of a slum dweller. I had gone out at 10.30pm to locate a PCO and give him my mind. I had to threaten him of Police to discourage him.

Reaching office had become better. I didn’t have to travel as far. That comfort was only for a few days to last. I was soon to look for another place. I would have stayed there barely for 15 odd days. Ruby had decided I looked a place of accommodation in Vijay Nagar- North Delhi, Campus Area.

I had settling down for a very simple and almost shabby place. The landlords were super- sweet. The interior was not done up at all. Ruby and Sanjay had not appreciated that place a bit; they had failed to understand my haste in choosing that place as my home.

I had something else in my mind.

Sareeta didi had passed a consultant’s number who I had met on my week- off. I had met them at their Defence Colony office. Amongst the two guys- Rajesh and Rajat, it was the 2nd one who seemed to have picked up some liking towards me.  I knew it wasn’t really let’s date and settle down affair that I was stepping into. But anyways, who had wanted any affair at all..? A few days after meeting him at his office, he had wanted to meet me. How Vineeta had laughed her guts off when I had asked my colleagues the way to Anupam, Saket- PVR now.

Next, that part of South Delhi was to become my Home. But before that, a lot of ugliness was to come too.

My level of tolerance was to be tested- hard enough to have broken me down. Into particles.

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My Life working with Jaypee Hotels

My Life was soon to turn towards a peculiar incident. All that fun was about to end. As if I had known how that was about to change my course of Life; I had freaked out as much as possible.


We could order for unlimited tea. We were only a couple of us, as compared to VC. We took turns to take those extra sugar sachets home. LOLsss!!! Those sachets had lasted atleast a year and a half at my home 🙂

Once during some festival, Mansi, Deepak, Anshu and I had hitch hiked together, to reach to a Community Feeding pandal- what else, to eat!! I guess it was during navratris- before Dusshehra. We had not only eaten to our heart’s content, but also picked some more holding in our hands and hitch hiked back to work. OMG.. Gursharan too had joined in. He had almost crawled up his table and finished what we had carried for him. A mad bunch of people that we had been then.

The next day, I had carried my plastic lunch box. (I use that to keep my I- card and stuff now) We had gone to a nearby pandal- without any Lift. The girls had stood shocked when I had held out my lunch box, saying- I need this filled up for my kids and that they better hurry up, since their scool bus was expected any moment. hahahahahaha 😀 LOLsssss The ladies- yes, Anshu and Mansi- they were exactly that at 27, had only looked at each other in amusement. Deepak was beyond any reaction.


Yet another one of my Sale client, he was either Ranjit or Rajesh (sorry- I don’t remember), who had wanted to see me once. He was a Divorcee and a father of a young kid. He would call me every morning to hear my voice- whatever. After a plain Good Morning- he would mush no end. I was pretty disappointed when I had met him. He was an overweight guy and seemed very off- balance. His vision kept moving around. I mean I found him wavering. I had made a point to disappoint him as well. For days together, he had kept calling me and cribbing about the fact that why I had sent someone else in my place. That she hardly talked; much less as interesting as I did. Even though I had kept insisting that it was indeed me; he had simply written me off saying I was playing with him… LOLssssss

Sunil Diwan was another sample. To my bad luck, I had called him up (for presentation) on 14th February. He had wanted to buy the card but only if I had gone to collect the cash amount. For 2- 3 times he had sent the collection executive back; saying he had wanted to meet me!! As if I too was adamant, I had ended selling him the membership- without going over. That was a strict no- no.

I had invited to meet me instead- after months. After much hesitation, he had come over. We all had our share of fun. Our targets were met for the month and had nothing better t do. He only resembled a sloth with clear complexion. I’ll tell you why such strong words. They talked on phone as if they were nothing less than the most handsome eligible guy in town. All the colleagues were a part of this joke on that poor soul. Well, he had stopped calling me thereafter. He was taken aback meeting me.

I amn’t a “die for me” beauty, but I know how to morph into one..!!


There was yet another cute member- Kapil, who had walked in to accept the membership. Gursharan had collected that Sale. A few weeks later, he had even invited me and my colleagues to his marriage, sending an invitation card. Pardon me, my scanner isn’t working or else I would have uploaded his card. I have cut up the main Ganshu section and used it for my handicraft. The rest of the card is still with me. Someday soon.

There were a few more clients who had gotten their entire family giving me multiple sales in 1 call. It was only then that I learnt how Sameer used to get multiple sales- whenever he went to collect for Geetu. By offering them spouse cards and joining them with previous primary cards.


Vineeta had joined in to work with us. A beautiful dame with clear complexion. Her pseudo name was Roshni. Her laughter was completely unheard kinds.. with breaks. Something like his he.. he.. hee.. She had only once made a mistake of contributing 20 bucks for celebrating birthday. Whatever food we had ordered, were all cleaned up like roadside canines. We had all at once jumped on the food and polished it. I still wonder- was that Intentional to piss her off?

Thereafter, whenever we asked her to contri- she would in her typical nasal tone repeat- I’ll wish him personally. Deepak would almost echo her under the breath. Soon, I had joined hands. Spending 20 bucks didn’t really make sense for a piece of cake. I had refused to celebrate my birthday. Mansi’s was celebrated. She too was a Leo- argghh!! How could she be..!! The kisses mwaahs had all filled up the air. Ajay’s sister was as usual all over him- caring for him as if she were his mother.

Ralhan had fogotten my birthday conveniently. Nevermind. He had soon found out about I having come aware of his lies. He worked with Northern Railways and worked privately as an Architect; and not other way round. Mona was his married wife. She was a divorcée. He had married her against his family- then why all this farce? Because, she couldn’t conceive.

Bloody B*stard of the nth order; couldn’t he adopt one? For crying out loud, a woman should be squirming about not able to conceive- not that it’s any justified. “My baby should be my blood”.. Very well then, stay left alone. He had tried his level best to make me see his point. I could not. Might as well he should have gotten her medically examined before the wedding ritual then. B*stard


Share- holders meeting was conducted once. all of them were handed over a huge carton of sweets. As Deepak was, he had managed to go and help one of them to carry his carton till the gate. Poor man had suffered a fall. The GM whose office was just above ours, had been watching the entire act. He had called up at the extension saying- “Deepak, now that you have eaten the sweets, atleast get the mess cleared.” A few of the empty boxes lay where that man had fell. Overall, the GM was a sweet man- sorry, I had remembered his name till some time back- not today..


I would often make sketches and paintings to gift my colleagues on their birthdays. Our accountant Jagdish was an astrologer. All of us often killed our time talking to him asking our future- LOLsss. He dyed his hair- which is okay- only, I had pointed out almost embarrassing him. I couldn’t conclude how his dark brown hair had become black!! haha.. He seemed to be a middle class simple human. He had abused Mansi real bad when she had complained against Handa.

A Ladies’ Kitty Party sort of get together was organized in SH. Mansi had dropped in to check out. Of course, it was forbidden to step inside the party hall. Well, Ajay’s sister Mansi had dared to. Not only that, she had even participated in “Beautiful Lips” contest too. She had won that as well. Applying blue hair mascara (which had looked good on her- something that people still exclaim about when they see my hair strand colored), she had sashayed all around the hotel. I wonder why she was doing that. In no time Ajay had appeared (read: Deepak had phoned him to travel immediately).

He was most offended because good girls and Ajay’s sisters never applied hair mascara- whatever. Although fuming, Mansi had kept up her smile as if nothing had happened. Ever since, she had started revolting. Really, what was the need? She had accepted and agreed to a corrupt Handa for all these months- why did his words hurt now?

Of course, she shouldn’t have walked into the party. There was just no need. Even if she had, why did she participate. I mean, she only represented the Hotel, as good as a staff.. maybe to look for yet another Irwayoo and a job..!!

It was my payback time. Mansi had gone out to complain about Handa across the entire Hotel. She had wanted me to join her. I had not. Even though working under Deepak was more like working under a shrewd boss, I had just not wanted to become a pawn again. She was not even paid her salary- till I knew about it.

My days were anyways numbered. I had not wanted to speed- up the countdown either. I was one day asked to report to VC. Ajay had blatantly offered me to become an arm candy- in return of money of course. He had wanted to know about Ralhan. When I had cautioned him that he ought to be minding his business; he had proposed that he could fix me up with men who would then be able to give over 50,000/- bucks without any issue. It was a lot of money then. Almost maybe- close to 1,50,000/-.

I had not even cried. Only smiled.

Travelling back to home, I had chartered my next course of action. I definitely wasn’t continuing my job there. Gursharan wasn’t around. I certainly didn’t want to work with a pimp. I was offended because he had continued to speak even when I had asked him to stop. It’s fine you get all sort of people around- at the same time- I didn’t want to get pushed. In simple words- he had made his message very clear.

I was breathing in Siddharth alright- only to be suffocated soon. I was forced to leave that job and move on. That wasn’t a bit easy. I had almost burnt myself in the process. My last few days in that Hotel is something that I’ll never ever be able to forget. I had played all my cards and strategies together. The good news is that my moves fell in place; the bad news is that I had paid too heavy a price. I only had a few days before salary was to happen. I had not wanted to lose out on any opportunity to execute my next course of action.

That I still managed to smile after that episode and have now decided to write about it; is a miracle by itself..

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My Life, while working in Hotel Siddharth

The time I have spent working with Siddharth Hotel wasn’t all that bad either. I have made some good memories too.


Once I had made 15 sales in a month. Thats when I had taken home a salary of 5500/- wow..!! I was again in the limelight for mixed reasons. Ajay had kept singing his number that I maybe sleeping with his clients. I had just not cared.

Gursharan turned out to be my best friend. Right, colleagues don’t make friends- he had though. He had cautioned me well in time that one should stay away from Deepak no matter what. He said that he was pretty capable of placing anyone in thick soup, and that he was Handa’s right hand or left hand- whichever. Deepak was a stick thin lanky guy. Even petite girls would look healthier in comparison. He spoke like any middle- aged gossiping woman. No offence meant- only till comparison bit of speaking. His clothes were as shabby as his unkept hair. He looked so humble that anyone new used to get fooled and get bitten then. Looks are deceiving; he was the perfect example.


Once both Mansi and I had to report to VC for the day. In Siddharth, the telecalling room was outside the Main building. It used to get flooded in rains. The day spent in VC was not as beautiful. Mansi had insisted that we hitch hike to reach home. We may have changed 7- 8 vehicles before we had reached Lakshmi Nagar. The only one surd uncle is all I recall of besides a gypsy guy. Uncle had wanted to know my religion; I had promptly answered- Human. Mansi was startled to say the least. That uncle had lost it!!! He had also wanted to know my nationality because Olivia didn’t seem to be an Indian name.

To hell with such orthodox people. Here uncle, if you are reading this and remember us, may I suggest you please publish a text- book referring the Indian names? Make that religion wise. I’ll pay for the publication charges.

Mansi had decided to meet one of her clients. She said that he had offered her a job. Upon confronting, she had stated that how would he offer her work unless she goes and meet him atleast!! If only she had been straight enough to call that a Blind Date. Irwayoo was a young foreigner guy, working as a spy with UN. She had tagged me along with her too. He had treated us in Imperial. Aaah, Mansi had worn a sari, you know formal and all that! I had worn my yellow Tee and jeans. Mansi had played the elder sister- I am you mother role with that guy so well that he had not let her go in the evening.

She would keep holding his hand before crossing roads. When I had pointed out that she ought not to be doing that, she had merry well pointed out that the poor guy didn’t know how our country was. That he was a foreigner, and so that gesture of help. I had only muttered that she should only wait till he slips her under him. She had only smiled back at me. He didn’t understand vernacular. Obviously, Hindi was not one of his subjects back there.

After food, she had again wanted some ice to eat. She used to munch ice as we do sizzler. That guy was held in perfect awe of her. He would not even wink. I was the one who had dressed loud- yellow Tee shirt and was quite curvaceously built; here, he was hitting on a plain flat doll. Maybe you readers would understand what I mean. You don’t hold a strangers hand in less than half hour under whichever pretense. He wasn’t physically challenged either. He was posted here in New Delhi, India to work. He ought to have known how to cross the street- he knew it too!! But Mansi? A 27- 28 year old lady not knowing how to carry on with a stranger? Please don’t try advocating her actions.

I am not a prude; I’m not a fool either!! By the evening, he had not wanted Mansi to go. He had proposed her to spend the night with him. Whatever that meant. She herself was responsible for that. It wasn’t a bad proposal; only she was embarrassed when he had suggested that. She wasn’t prepared for what was coming her way. If that was not all, he had called his UN cab to get us dropped. It was a huge van like vehicle with dark panes. Not a soul would have been whispered about what was happening.

Reluctantly and fuming, I had boarded with her. He had already started feeling her. I had kept my eyes shut on purpose. By some technic, I had managed to get down where I had to. Mansi had mutely followed me. He had offered to drop her home. Clearly, he had wanted to know her place. Why else he had not offered me the same? Not that I wanted him to.. 😀

She had almost begged with her life that I don’t say a word. I had not. Till, she had rumored that she was offered a job by that foreigner and wanted to negotiate with Handa. That was the prime reason that she had gone to meet him. He had not spoken a word about himself on phone; it was upon meeting him that I discovered that he was a spy. He had kept saying that “it’s a secret” to every question. Putting all his answers (that Mansi had asked him) together, I had only asked once if he was a spy. He had only smiled saying that he was amazed at how I had guessed that.


Handa had made our life hell. We were not to go to cafetaria anymore. Gursharan had quit. Deepak was given the charge of a manager. On his insistence, we were forbidden to dine in EDR!! As it is we entered the hotel from backdoor, now food too!! I wasn’t really ready to sit and dine with those hotel staff in the kitchen.


Aunindyo was sweet towards me. A little more than sweet. Often he would pick me up and take me to Nirula’s. He would make me Order pizza and sit watching me eat. He would keep praising my Table manners and act embarrassed. His sense of humor was good. He made me feel special whenever around. He was adopted son of his parents. He was supposedly an orphan.

He would often tell me that he wanted to own a resort. As I write this about him, he may have already made it big. On my birthday, he had taken me to CP. While I had only startled seeing that book at one of the corner building vendor, he had already paid for it. I had only seen that book flying to me. He had held it out to me saying I could keep that as My Birthday Present. I had also visited where he stayed. It was in the same neighborhood of the hotel. He had kept talking to me sitting in the Living Room. Only when I had insisted going home when he had shown his place to me. It was a fine accommodation. His landlord stayed upstairs. It was a private house, not a flat.

Today, I recall of him with loads of admiration and much regards. he had wanted to settle down with him. I had sensed that. Why didn’t I? He was a Bengali guy. After having witnessed my own relatives, I had been sour mouthed about them. Moreover he smoked. I had seen some liquor bottles in his bedroom too. The impression had not gone down well. Anyways, I was not at all keen on getting married- I had not wanted to give him any false hopes either. I had distanced myself from him.

Surprisingly, no one created any news about my dating him. Why were they getting so bothered about Ralhan? It was my life, what I did after 2pm and with whoever. For crying out loud, I wasn’t booking rooms in the hotel to sleep around. I certainly don’t need to declare that I wasn’t sleeping around either. Sahil was so bothered about the age difference. WTH!!

If anyone is to look at the rural India, such mismatched marriages are still prevalent. Anyone who thinks that I and you are not a part of that rural India, think again. Why the women are beaten up by their legally wedded husbands still? Why was I beaten up, like an old rag is- to clean? Fate? Stop arguing. Contact me personnaly, I’ll show you as many house- holds where Dosmestic Violence breeds like pigs. It’s as common as forced sex after marriage.

I was watching all the educated people there. Their standards, the duality and the lack of any.. !@$%!!#@#^

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Trip to Residency Manor

My Life was rocking. I was able to meet my sales target month after month to earn my 3800/- every month.

I had started interacting with some “educated” people around. Although- not cultured enough. Niharika would treat everyone around as lesser mortals. Evilyn..?? She was a smart woman with good command over the language- behaved ultra- snob. Reality was far cry of it.

Ajay would be so favoring of any girl employee. Doting over her- until he is accepted as her big brother. The mannerisms and treating each other in public was pretty embarrassing to watch. He would encourage the “kiss” to greet culture. I am not a prude- I am not double standards either. For crying out loud, I don’t care about anyone else- much less speak about her or criticize about her. I do and did mind my own business- even back then. Maybe that’s what didn’t go down well.

I had purchased a couple of suit lengths from Lakshmi Nagar. Getting them stitched in offbeat designs, I had managed to balance my walk on that tight rope well. Now comes the running on it part.

On one light- work day, Deepak had wanted me to call Trishna- the bar then. There was this guy whose name was somewhat “peculiar”, and Anshu and him had wanted to know his correct name. I had dialed the bar. A nice voice had answered my call- wanting to know my query. The ring had given him a clue that it was an internal extension call.

After talking to him for 5 minutes, I had told him my real reason of calling up. Upon hearing my query, that voice at the other end, had changed completely. He sounded amused. That name was supposedly Aunindyo. It then came out that I had been talking to him, for the past few minutes. Yikes..!!

Hearing me pronounce his name well, he had not wanted to stop the conversation. Now was the turn of my “cabin crew” to feel amused. That telecalling office was a small room. barely was there any place to move around. You could only walk in and sit; or keep sitting and walk out.

Mansi had wanted to see him. She was seeing a Bengali doctor- Sanjay Das then; now married to him. Maybe, she had wanted to meet another Bengali. Both of us had gone to the 1st floor to meet him. Aunindyo was a handsome and charming young guy. He looked pretty desirable. He was as if not wanting me to leave. Had he picked up some infatuation towards me?

An all expenses paid trip to Residency Manor, mussourie was organized in June. That was supposedly an annual trip gifted by the JP group for the telemarketers. I had refused to travel. I didn’t feel comfortable. Upon much coaxing and dragging, I had agreed to go. I shouldn’t have.

While traveling up the heights of the mountain, the van’s door had shut open. At an instant, I was flung out of the door leaning out half my body outside the vehicle. I was only planted at my feet wanting desperately to hold something and pull myself back inside. Just how I did that is a big- miracle to me till date. The van was travelling upwards. I could have suffered a fall down the cliff and lost my life; worse, become handicap.

Handa was cursed for such pathetic arrangement. Upon reaching the hotel, the rooms were given over. Officially, girls and guys were to stay separately; however, couple were formed. Mansi and Geetu had shared a room. She had made no bones gossipping about Geetu and Sameer’s nightly act.

I was placed with 2 girls from VC. I had met them only that day- they were the new joinees. As if someone had put a curse on my good time, soon Handa had started behaving obnoxiously. I had kept ignoring him. Obviously. He had stayed with one of his sisters..!! I had blatantly refused to be his sister or to stay with him. That had done it perhaps. In the evening, everyone was forced to drink before we hit the Dance- Floor. I had not- that must have fumed it.

Some apprehension was expressed by my room- mates and I had slept on the floor. The sofa’s seat was converted to a small bedding. Nevermind. The next morning, I had woken up early to click pictures. Loads of them. I had enjoyed one of my best times of my Life, walking through the clouds. The hotel itself was built beautifully. The original mountain rock too was preserved inside a glass room.

If you stand at the open terrace where they serve the breakfast till 10.30am, you could see yourself standing surrounded by mountains. If you look down, you would see Soon valley. Standing at that terrace, hearing the church bell while fog still covered that church was enigmatic. I still have an image captured in my mind. There were swings too. At one corner of that terrace, was a single dome, fort like construction. I have always wanted to have one of those in my personal estate 😀 I would sit for my evening coffees there.

Myriad colored flowers sprung around. The entire property was a paradise on the whole. White palace amidst the mountains. Serenely beautiful. Given an opportunity, I can spend a month there. Only a month- because my wish- list is rather log. I have may other places to stay in and feel good about.

Sanjay had as usual become his worst self after a couple of drinks. He had lifted me while I was still dancing. One tight slap had not made any difference. It had acted as a fuel. He had circled the whole of Dance Floor before putting me down. I had resigned to my room immediately.One of the girls, Preeti seemed to have become more cordial. My room- mates had asked me to share the bed with them. I had not. I had stayed on my make- shift arrangement.

The next morning was planned by a Devil. My stomach ached and I could barely move around. Maybe, my sub- conscious had known what was coming. I had stayed in my room. Geetu and Mansi had come in to check on me up. They were aghast to see me toiled on the floor. I had had enough till then. I had stopped reacting. Both the women had wanted to know if I had been to RM earlier..!!

If only someone could tell them that I didn’t earn enough. Perhaps, my boyfriend..? Why would I go out to earn then? Or maybe- Ralhan? That was it. In limp words, I was told that I either go and sleep with Handa or he travels this news. I had caught him off- guard when I had wanted to meet the one who claimed to have “seen” me, with him in that hotel or wherever- not that that was any of his business.

The same evening, Sanjay had again created a nuisance  in the disc. Another of my slaps were planted. The shameless man he was, he had kept giggling. You maybe wondering- how could I still have gone to the disc. Really, can you say no while with office peers? Specially when the arc light focuses on you? A few of us were in disc- where were the couple again? The official couple and the brother- sister duo? he less I say here- the better that would be.

The nagging was still on. What for?

Ajay’s idea had fallen flat on his face. Sanjay had come to his true colors. “Olivia, you are all by yourself. There’s no one around that you are answerable to- why don’t you enjoy your Life a little more? If you have objections to Ajay being married, I am not..” An embarrassed me had sat quietly tying to understand those words. So had the entire room- not a single soul had spoken. If that was not enough, I was made to sing- “to break the ice” too.

At 19, I wasn’t really ready to handle such a tricky one. Just the mere remembrance is enough to put me to tears. Since Gursharan, Mamta, Shafali and Debjani had traveled last year, they had not joined us that year. All I had wanted was to reach home safe and sound. Ajay was pretty capable. What if he had arranged to force someone on me?

Preeti had come to my defense then. While travelling back, she had sat conversing with me. After knowing a couple of things, she had stood supporting me as a good friend would. Mansi had been almost over Ajay in her sleep. So was Ajay in his sleep. Ajay was sat between his 2 sisters. His hands definitely weren’t where a brother should place his. Ditto was while travelling to RM. Mansi had been most ashamed one to have seen the brother sister duo; what now? This is not even double standards, they were devoid of any.

Sahil had escorted me till my home. One another spineless colleague, he was moved to VC only after a few days, after I was shifted to HS. Sanjay was asked to report to VC too. At work, I had not talked to anyone. After observing me being silent for 2 days, Gursharan had nudged me. Both Deepak and Anshu were gone for their lunch. I had broken down badly. I could barely stop crying. That’s when he had promised me to stay friends.

He had held himself responsible for coaxing me to go over to see that lovely property (RM). Thereafter, he had proven to be my best friend. We were in touch till a few years back. It was after I got married, that I lost all my contacts with everyone around. I am still looking out for him.

Hopefully, someday I’ll crash on my friend again.

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My First Job, of friends and foes- III

An orphan by identity, staying in a village, working in a five star hotel, trying to kick a loser out of my Life; I had learnt the art of putting up a facade all too well, a little too early.

I wasn’t shy but very hesitant. I could hardly enjoy the fact that I worked in a star hotel- a five star at that. I kept too occupied to think about such tertiary subjects.

  • Primary: Food, Job and Shelter
  • Secondary: Appearance and Shopping
  • Tertiary: Boyfriends and other such redundant necessities.

I would often notice my peers trying to observe me. What was it? Did they take me for a native villager? Or were they too confused? None of them, excepting for Shafali, Debjani, Anil and Gursharan, had been even cordial, much less friendly to me. Mansi pretended to be good, she was 26 or 27- maybe. Short in height, she didn’t look her age; till you observe the dark circles and fine lines around her eyes. I was the youngest; yet, she had tried being around me- only to scratch my being soon. She and Geetu were best of pals..


A pool- side party was announced. That’s one party that would always remain fresh in my mind. I had enjoyed my time dancing at the party; and then Anshu’s mother had made her night colorful, interrogating me. Debjani had suggested that I invite Ralhan. I had. I had called up Nitin too, he had recognized my voice and had demanded to know why I had been missing. I had stayed indifferent. . All of us had invited our “esteemed” and “special” clients to that party. It was a party specially thrown for All Season’s Club members.

I had wore my black n white saree again. I could have worn my white saree that I had worn in Induction– but I had not. The pearls were sat on me. Ralhan had left after talking to me for sometime. That’s when as if a charged bull was left loose. I had danced till the last second on those retro raunchy numbers. Deepak and I had made a good Dancing Couple- only till there. Gursharan had maintained a low profile. We had danced on “Deewane, Deewane to Deewane hain..”

Neha’s clients too had come. Neha had conveniently fallen sick. Instead she had asked Deepak to take care of those members. What a farce that was..!! A glistening pool of water, illuminated with thousands of pedestal lights and tiny bulbs. All the palms were decorated as if they were about to be slaughtered. Handa was drunk silly- why else would he dance with me? I had remained sober.. WTH!!!!! !@$%#!#

I had then stayed with Anshu for the night. I couldn’t have traveled back home at mid- night. She stayed in East of Kailash. I was made to share the bed with her mother. To hell with Anshu and her M, the lady had kept me awake the whole night asking me questions. I am not exaggerating. It was whole of the night that she had wanted to know everything about me. Being inquisitive or curious was fine.. But keeping me awake till morning- not even dawn, wasn’t. She was a mother of two young girls; couldn’t she have been a little considerate..?

She had wanted to know all about my family, my father, my not wanting to settle down- my earnings.. Blah!! She had then compared me with some religious guru she followed saying he too was an orphan; so maybe, one day I’ll make as big as him.. Whatever..!! Just the mere thought of having spent that night with that lady makes me un- restful. This was in 1997, some 13 years back. Remember- I already said that women too have been pretty digging on me?

Sanjay had been as cheap as one could go. Since he had stayed in Calcutta, he considered himself as Bengali. He would sit just next to me while in EDR. After bearing him for a few days, I had walked out leaving my food. The message was not clear to him- still. I had escalated it to Gursharan- officially; after which, he was not to be anywhere around me. The verbal flirting had still remained on though.

Within a span of 10 odd months, so much had happened; as if I lived my mini- life. People, their queer thoughts and often their peculiar outlook- I was as if in the middle of an explosion ground, shifting just enough on time to prevent getting exploded myself.

Ralhan was getting close to me. He would often pick me up after my work and drop me home. He had never insisted on seeing my place or even going anywhere near. I would walk down from Kalyanwas crossing to my place. Oh, and wearing sari was completely forbidden. What crap- a man not appreciating a girl wearing formal saris when she could carry them with as much grace.

Poor fellow- I was reading him up close.

He had suggested that we go to Mussourie some time. I had agreed to. Fate had other plans in store. Carrying a huge air bag (only for 2 days stay), I had boarded his car DAJ 4255, a white Maruti 800. Damn my memory!! It was pretty late by the time we had decided to drive. it was decided that we travel in the morning. We had stopped at his friend- George’s place.

Both of the morons had gone off to snore soon. I had kept loitering around his house. Something just didn’t seem right. I wasn’t at all attracted to him- he was though- yet, he was far from making any commitment or proposal. He was much elder to me- but was getting a fair deal in me.

I was young, attractive, with good comm skills- just what else could he ask for at his age. He had wanted a dame who was smart, could carry herself well. I was again proving out to be a pretty doll. Moreover, I had become his lucky charm!! His private venture- his architecture ship had started to earn well for him. He dressed in formals, spoke well; wonder, why was he single till then. Then again, was he Single?

Next morning, he had spent half hour chanting after wash. His finger-rings were also taken off for some ritual..!! He wasn’t a pandit by religion, yet all such prayers. He would often tell me about a pandit (astrologer), who had told him to stay away from women on certain days. His Mondays used to be his stones purifying days. He wore a huge sapphire on his Saturn finger (middle finger- LOLsss)


He bought a Govinda Yellow Tee shirt from Benetton, while travelling. Drive was fun. I hadn’t really freaked out, only anticipating. What was I stepping into anyways? We all know what was to happen upon reaching the hotel. The beauty of the episode is that we never made it till any. The vehicle was stopped at the Tool Tax check point. As if they had read him too well. He was held for interrogation for almost half hour.

He had looked tensed. I had kept asking why it had taken long- to which, he replied nothing straight. I had suggested we rather go back.

We had stopped for food. Two men moved past us looking at us in a strange manner. I had asked Ralhan if they were the ones who had quizzed him at the check point. No sooner had we finished our food, they had pounced upon us. The story was out.

At the check point, he was held for Interrogation about my Identity. Clearly, age difference was apparent- but what was their business? He also seemed to have revealed that he worked with Northern Railways. To me, he only worked there on “hired for Project” basis. Otherwise, he was an Interior Designer or architect.

My mind had gotten clouded with queries. Why had he declared about his project work, instead of his business- which was his actual work? Why did he have to talk about his work/profession? Why was my Identity so important? Why couldn’t he fight it out?

We had traveled back and reached Delhi at around 3- ish in the midnight. Neither of us could go home. Instead we had gone to George’s home. He wasn’t home either. We had stayed in the car till morning. I had sat awake, maybe because I had slept in the car while traveling back. He had dozed off soon. No, he didn’t do anything funny at all. Now, isn’t that funny?

I had become as unrestful as never. I had been wanting to dig- up. Things weren’t as they seemed to be. Often some Mishra had answered my call whenever I called him up at his work. He was yet another middle- aged loser. This time, I talked to him for a little longer. I had managed to obtain the Office board numbers too. Till then, I had histhe direct number only.

I had started conversing with Mishra frequently. I had desperately wanted to dig the “truth”. One such conversation resulted me in going to his place. Right, to Mishra’s place. I now feel how much risk I had put myself into. That was not the only time though. He lived in some small flat in Naoroji Nagar (I am guessing- don’t remember well..) I had sat for some 2 hours maybe. Mishra had been happy welcoming me. He had thought that he had hooked me. Poor him.

The entire cat was out of the bag alongwith the siblings too. I had behaved as if nothing had happened. I had acted as indifferently as I could. I had managed to conceal the fact that I had dug out about him. Him, his family, his work and his wife too. Once again, he had not caused any harm to me or even otherwise; but the fact that he had omitted certain facts selecting them carefully, resulting to lying, had hurt me.

Maybe I had needed that. To understand men. To conclude that lying was their 2nd nature. I did not act eager anymore to see him. He had as if lost it- seeing that change in me. I had still kept our “friendship” up- who knows-when I would have needed some help..?

Moreover, I had wanted to learn to become indifferent- to be aware of the facts and yet act innocent.

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My First Job, of friends and foes- II

While I was settling down into my new Life, Blotch was as if getting sucked out of my days- automatically. He would keep telling me that he would soon find out where I worked. And so..? Create nuisance there too- what else?

His stalking had begun. This was in March- 1997. He had met me in the afternoon again cribbing for me to get married to him. Like- what for? Was I a crashed in my head? I had spent weeks together in brainwashing him off the idea- I didn’t want any ugly exchange of conversation. I hate “hate- words”. He would tell me that after marrying (him), he would let me wear jeans once in a while but no skirts- not even the long ones, no short tops, no shorts.. whatever..!! !$!@$!%#

I had politely tried to explain that him and me were no match. If he was thinking about the time spent together; then, he had had his good time- anyway. “I have changed”, was his reaction. I had always been that way; only he was noticing the facts then.


I had to get down at ITO and travel to the Tilak Bridge bus stop to change bus. that’s exactly where he would start following me from. One day, it so happened that someone had asked me the way to Priya complex. I had let him walk beside me. I still can’t tell if he was Blotch’s friend or had wanted to seriously know the way. In the noon, Blotch had started his melodramatic number again. I was taken to be involved with that guy- like I cared. Hell! with him.

He had stopped coming over to my place of residence completely. Not that I had wanted him to. Ruby had constantly been asking me to move out. My only reason for sticking in to that place was the people there. They had loved me like their own daughter. They had owned me when they knew nothing about me and had stayed neutral even after having come aware of all.


Bhushan Ralhan was my 1st member. Hearing my “presentation”, he had wanted to meet me. As long as he was paying for the membership, it didn’t hurt me. Mamta had been protective enough to not send me down to the lobby the 1st day. I don’t remember; maybe even Geetu had gone to collect the membership fee. He had parted with only half the sum. Clearly, he had wanted to meet me.

Wearing my black- white silk sari, I had gone down to the VC lobby to meet a 36 years old salt- peppered man. He seemed a fine man outwardly- who wanted to know him inwardly anyways..? Excepting that after handing over the rest of the money for membership, he would call me often at the hotel telephone to talk to me for a few minutes.

Upon meeting me, this man had instantly drawn resemblances with his muse- Mona. A Bengali woman who couldn’t become a part of his life.. or so it seemed. Hold on- his is a pretty interesting story- that would be done in another post. For now, lets stick to whatever happened within my work tenure with that Hotel.

Like a fool, I had gone over to watch KS..!! I was politely asked not to join them the 2nd time there was a team outing. I had started reading them pretty well. To their disadvantage.

Nitin Gupta was yet another client who had become very curious hearing me. He was either Nitin or – don’t remember. Strange? Nopes- Indifference. He had walked in to pay for the membership but had not insisted on seeing me. While he had gotten a couple of more cards for his friends, one of them turned out to be Geetu’s lead. I had lost a sale. That way, I had managed to prick in her eyes too.

I had met the guy soon. He seemed to be too genuine a guy. Coming aware of my lost certificates, he had promised to help me. He would often ask me to call him in the evening. He would disconnect on my 1st call and then call me back instead and talk. Not bad..!! He seemed to be a well established business man. He was a young guy, couple of years elder to me. He had dressed in formals the day I had met him. I had wore a green suit. I had knotted my hair loosely.

He must have expected a teenage damsel hearing my nasal voice. There I was a young woman- mentally, a little more grown up- for my age. Thanks to whoever, Goldy had seemed to talk something nasty about me. I am not giving any names here, but try and figure. Someone from my team had told him that perhaps I was developing sentiments for that Gupta guy. Really now. That small telephonic friendship was killed.

Mansi and I were transferred to Siddharth thereafter. Again- no names upon who must have cooked up that jolt for me. As if a huge pot of soupy curry was waiting for me to take a dip and ladle the broth.

Sanjay Kapoor had welcomed me like we were long lost friends. No comments on his personal character- the least I say would be better. Not because I don’t wish to. But because, him also is to re- appear in my later posts.

Deepak used to tele-call in the name of Neha. I wonder just how many Vasant Continental Club members would be dis-appointed to learn that the woman they had fancied with all their Love just never existed. Men.. and men!!!!!

Anshu was yet another sample trailor. As if to compete with Neha… err Deepak, she too had created a fan- following. One meeting, I mean one date with them, and they would never want to meet her again. I am not saying anything. It’s Deepak who had made that fact public. Gursharan being the only one who I could strike a rapport with. Well mannerly, pursuing his MBA then and equally smart. Read: intelligent. Yes, intelligent men are in short supply. They always were in short supply. In an attempt to be humorous, most of them end up competing with the local circus clown, who laughs at we wonder what..!!

I had begun enjoying my work. Eating meals at the EDR (Executive Dining Room) for 20/- bucks, I had gained weight. It was becoming apparent that I was settling down rapidly. Moreso, a ripple, more often a tide, only happens whenever I feel I am getting settled. There- more than 1 were waiting to strike me.

Blotch had one day tried to hold my hand and make me talk to him. This was on full public view on the street. He had stalked me from ITO. He had stopped me just before entering the Hotel gate. I had snapped at him real bad. I had severely objected to his addressing me so casually. He was taken aback at my response. He had tried to sound threatening. I had shooed him off. I had not wanted any crap at my work-place.

Bhushan Ralhan had wanted to take me out to watch Titanic. aaaw, so romantic! Excepting, that it was barely that. He had been to Hyderabad once. He claimed to have picked up some pearl jewelery for me. The card that he had gifted me alongwith that jewelery box- oops, I guess I have disposed that only in last winters, a few months back. If only I knew that I would blog, I would have saved it to scan. shoot..!! The pearls are still with me- recrafted. The sandal box too is with me sitting in my Living Room Books cabinet.

He wasn’t too happy seeing me wearing a sari. That red n black sari was a lahariya sari that dad had bought from his office trip to Rajasthan. I had worn it on Teacher’s Day when I had played “Ms. Geeta Pradhan”- one of my all time fave teachers, in my 5th standard. This is where I feel, I have been blessed. How my class- mates and Himanshu had teased me no- end.

Just to clear any confusion, I loved wearing saris. I still do but don’t anymore. I stay confined within my home. It’s been 3 years that I have lived like a recluse. Though I am no more one; but I still don’t move around at all- so, no saris for now. It’s been over 3 years now.

Okay, lets go back for now. Enough of wandering off.

Ralhan had taken me out for shopping too. Couple of beautiful suits, a skin- fitting jeans and a pair of black shoes. A yellow Tee- shirt was also picked up but later. While we were on our way to..

Back home, I had stopped taking printing assignments. I had started earning decent. I nomore had needed to slog. I ate from that neighborhood dhaba. From ordering only half plate rice for 7 bucks, whereby they would also put some curry or dal alongwith; I had started ordering for a separate rice plate and dal tadka for 25 bucks in total.

I had spent months together- waiting in the evening, for Blotch to carry that 7 bucks meal, to be shared between both of us. This was before Ruby had stepped in and stepped me out. Till date, I don’t leave as much as even the last grain on my plate unfinished. My boss squirms when he watches me doing that. Though he too cleans his plate neat, he has often watched me polishing every plate around before dipping for doing them.

Almost all of them have laughed at my back- knowing about my helpless situation. I dare them all to do that again now that I am declaring I was indeed.

I have watched people from a very close angle- all of them had stood as ugly as they could be. I had dared not say that then.

Taking the pleasure trip now..

Posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind, Our Society | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

My First Job, of friends and foes- I

I had found my Life back. Atleast the realization that I could, had very well set my mind up. Ruby had managed to made me live my Life again. Those few days that I had spent with her, she had spent each second of that planning for the next course of action.

As if like a mentor, she was re- shaping my fate. She would say that all I had needed was a job in tele- marketing and then look for opportunities in the newspaper the next morning. Circling the ones that she thought would suit me, she would make me go through the details.

I had even applied in Wimpy’s; the salary didn’t allure her. Moreover, it was lot different than she thought it maybe. Perhaps things had changed while we were growing up. Nvertheless, all the rounds were still covered; only to be refused while joining..!!

For that particular one, Ruby had dressed me up. I wore her suits; think, how much I had lost then. Even though she was slimmer than me; then, her suits fitted me as lose as those could be..!! Sarita didi completed my look with her make- up!! I could not wear her mojri type slippers. It was decided that that would be swapped at the last moment.

Equipped and prepared, I had gone to Hotel Siddharth for the 1st screening. While I was sat for my rounds; Ruby had met Gursharan. My Dear friend and a lost contact- now. Ajay Handa had interviewed me and disclosed that I was to work in Hotel Vasant Continental. I had left the hotel all happy. I was hired. Not knowing that that would again add to my set of experiences; girls and guys all alike!!

Ruby had almost given her complete wardrobe for me to carry home. Yeah.. I didn’t have enough to wear for work. All I had was a jeans, a few T- shirts and 2 suits maybe. I had no words to thank her then and don’t have any even now. What she has done is completely nonreturnable- both words and gestures won’t justify.

Blotch had sniffed something; yet couldn’t figure out much. I had only told him to arrange for 10 bucks so I could go for my Induction a couple of days later. I had not disclosed anything about the actual reason- masking it with just another Interview trial. As my fate would have it, he had disappeared while it was still foggy the morning I was to go for Induction.

Maybe a rupee coin was sat on the fridge. That helplessness that had clouded my mind is something that would stay forever in me. I was all ready to step out, finding not even enough coins to reach Vasant Vihar. I had not known how to react- calmly, since I was to reach for my Induction or Bewildered, because the chances to reach the venue were none.

The only I could think of was to go and borrow a couple of coins from Asha didi. She was in the veranda giving tuitions to the kids. If miracle is anything to be believed about- here was one. She had sent me back to my room assuring that she would see what she could do. She had then collected 25 paisa coins from her students, ageing between 5- 7 years old kids. Some 10- 12 bucks were collected in all..!! Enough for me to travel back and forth and maybe even buy a bread slice. 4 bread-slices were available for 1 rupee. I had spent 50 paise for breakfast.

No sooner I had reached ITO, the Blotch had come to me jumping around. Not paying any attention at all- lest  made a spectacle of my own self; I had boarded a 620 from Tilak Bridge and left. While travelling, I had cooked up a story to give them why I had reached late.

A Conference Room was booked by the Handas- the Employers. I had quietly entered the room looking around all healthy faces. I had miserably tried to put a smiling facade upon my face too. I had worn one of my saris. The same silk sari that I had worn at my cousin’s weeding. It’s a white formal satin- silk sari. I do own that still- only I have put on enough weight to not fit into any thing..!! 😀

As it was, I was made to narrate my “cooked- up” story of reaching to the Induction late. Anyways, I was to join in the next few days. Taking all the humiliation and ignoring all questions in others’ eyes; I had smiled on myself for making it till there.

While travelling back, I had only thought about how to pull on for the next 1 month before I was paid my salary. Getting a job was fine- okay- very good; but then, it also meant stretching a good 30 days before I get some cash in hand.

I would get up at 7 in the morning, get ready ready and leave by 7.30 to reach Vasant Vihar by 9.30. My 1st day at work was nothing to remember about. I could very well read- how most of them were going to hate me. Reasons- I have failed to conclude myself. Maybe because I refused to get laid?

Anyways, I had only to work towards completing my Sales Target of selling 10 All Seasons Club memberships to take home a salary of Rs.3800/-. Yeah, that was pretty decent, if only I could also save a little while commuting, nevermind.

Blotch had as if lost it seeing me leaving in the mornings so early. I had sternly told him to get my shoes and sweater back. The day I had taken those back from him, he had tried snatching my bag from me to fiddle with the contents. My resistance had surprised him. The VC notepads were in there. I had given no details of the Logo etched. He had stopped coming to my home too- suited me too well!!

I met some very interesting ladies here. I don’t wish to write about them and waste my Blog- space. I’ll only write what had happened between me and them. Not a word more. They have played their whims on me a little too bad; don’t wish to give them any more weightage.

The most beautiful girl- Shafali, was the most neutral towards me. Mansi Jain, now Das, was the most conspiring, and Gitu- no words. I don’t hold anything against her anyways. She wasn’t my friend, not even least bit receptive, so whatever she did to me, I am indifferent towards that. Sameer was the collection agent- again as tricky as itu- perhaps because they were involved. Often, I had stepped in at a wrong time at the 8th floor, in our telemarketing room of the VC hotel before our work began at 9.30!! None of my business- anyways. Anil Dhingra- a lost contact again, was neutral and very receptive. Mamta- the manager, not sure (read in between).

Besides, Debjani Ghosh was another beautiful bong lady in have met in my life. She had kept whining because she was skinny- I beg your pardon. I still have her face imprinted on my retinal curtain- a vivacious smiling and effervescent beautiful girl. Archana was good to me too- I hope I’m getting her name correct. A few more people would join soon- mostly to criticize me, a few to support me too.

I was quick to learn and was put on to mobile leads the 2nd day itself. I had sold membership to Gursharan while on mock attempt. I can almost visualize how he couldn’t refuse to a lady for a 5* membership!! LOLsss

I had gifted Sameer a sketch and one to Gitu too.. I don’t know why..!! I don’t even know what they may have thought about that. Soon, I had started performing good enough to have become an unwanted young girl who wore make- up. Oh yes- I did. So what about it?

One friend, a few bitter ones and one man- oh yes- him too. In only a few months, I had gone for an ultimate spin of my Life. I now look back into my 1st corporate job with much indifference and smirk :-/

I’ll always owe it to Gursharan for more than a few reasons. We haven’t spent much time together- officially or personally, but yet, he is one sweet guy I have come across.. You read that correct. I respect him while he is a man. Would I have wanted an affain with him? ummmm- no, I wouldn’t have wanted him in any other way. The mere memories of our friendship that we have shared, makes me smile. He had once said that we should be thankful of all the ugly people around us; it’s because of them that we learn well in advance. I can’t agree more on this.

The last I knew of him was he having shifted to Canada- he had always wanted to. He made me laugh everyday at 12. He is a surd, used to go quiet no sooner the clock struck mid- day. He would say- I do that lest I make a fool of myself. A real good human and extremely sweet- he was a real sweetheart.. 🙂

I had spent a month or two before I was made to report to Siddharth. Mansi too was shifted with me to Siddharth. Till the time she had stayed, she had kept scratching my wounds. I had met that lady a year and a half back. I had not noticed her- it was she who had and then approached me. How really shameless some people remain..!! After doing whatever she had to me, she still had the cheek to come to me again!

Happening of my 1st sales client, watching KS with the colleagues (arrgghhh!!) and loads of bitter memories were collected before I was shifted.

Posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind, Our Society | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Magic- Myth busted

There’s this website – Wait, don’t jump now. You’ll only make a fool of yourself. Read the following- before you check it out- you’ll love the experience.. 😉

I had stumbled upon one such, years back. A couple of days back; I had re- discovered one of those. Only to its disadvantage. After posting it to my FB, I had spent my 2 days recalling how I had uncovered their trick the last time.

While traveling for veggie- shopping and discussing that website with my Boss, it had struck me- again.

This site claims to be reading your mind. This is what they do-

  • They put up 6 cards on the screen.
  • Asking you to pick one.
  • As you click for the next screen, you’ll notice that the card you had picked up in mind was missing..!!
  • You say WTF, it’s spooky..

Here- that’s how they play with our minds. I guess we should sometimes really not focus that close. It’s all in your mind. What they do is this-

  • The screen shows you 6 cards asking you to “select” one.
  • As you press next, the screen only shows 5 remaining.
  • Cleverly changing the entire selection of cards.
  • That way, no matter which card you choose, you’ll never find that one in the next set.
  • This is exactly how you keep brooding about the magic.

Now comes the MAGIC part.. I am sure many like me must have cracked the code.. How in name of cyber virtuality does such site exist?

Follow the illustrations (and not the instructions. Don’t click anywhere- just keep scrolling)

Image 1

Image 2

Image 3

Go check it out yourself how The MASTER wizard selects your card and removes it from the “pile”..

Whatever.. !$@$@#!@^#!@

(that’s my sign for profanity)
Posted in My mind | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Soul stirring music by Sanjay Mandal Group- IGT

“Sanjay Mandal and Group” are a bunch of kids and youngsters, making music out of waste and discarded stuff..!! Broken Metal pipes, used mineral water bottles, metal tin cans, water dispensing bottles, chipps can container, metal pencil boxes, soft- drink bottle caps.. Don’t miss out on that conch blow with a piece of pipe!

Listening to their performance, I get transported to my childhood. These were the rhymes that mom often teased me with. She was my perfect sibling- she had often exceeded all sibling rivalry possible (I miss that and her). I had sat watching them on my TV like a fool, remembering my mom and her words. Their music moves me to tears no matter how many times I hear them. While uploading the videos, I have barely been able to stop crying. Each time that young kid spoke to poem, I got goose bumps all over. I had spent searching for their videos for over half hour- not even once I had let their music go off..


Surprising and sadly, they could not make it to the 1st three even.. It seems that since a Minister had graced the show; the particular state got to win. Whatever..!@%^@@$%

All the Best Wishes..

Edit- 1st February, 2011

The comment below by Sanjay Mandal seems to be from none other than the performer himself as captured in the above video. His words are transliterated in Hindi- vernacular. Since I know the language, I have replied in Bangla. For everyone’s benefit and not letting the purpose get defeated of this post and his comment; I translate both the comments in English. Do keep in mind that I may not be able to post the accurate translation; however, have tried my best to post the essence of the words as posted below.

Sanjay Mandal

Thanks Olivia,
I am Sanjay Mandal. I did not know that so many people love me and that they hold such high opinion about us.

I don’t know much about the internet and that’s what delayed my contacting you; apologies for the same.

And I observed that some people want to meet me, they want to take me in their program. I would also feel good if I could part-take in their program, meet them; but they have a different number listed against my name and I don’t know anything about them. When I called them, they said that if someone asks me, I should say that they happen to be my manager.

That’s precisely why, I Sanjay Mandal, ask for your apology for not having been able to meet you all and Thank you Olivia for honoring me so much.

Sanjay Mandal


Respected Brother,

It felt nice reading your comment here..
I thank you a lot that you made efforts in searching this post and putting across your words here.

Your performance was awe- inspiring; my vocabulary is limited to express my appreciation towards you all. I had my own doubts about that number listed and that’s why I had not included that in my post. Incase you would want to share any of your own numbers, please do send a mail. I will put your contact numbers up in my post- here.

I’ll translate both your and my comments in English so everyone gets to read it.
Sending you loads of love and warm wishes.


Posted in My Biopic Log, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 37 Comments

Stepping Out

I had made it firm- in my mind. I knew that that was the only logical conclusion; one that was practical and the only possible one. There wasn’t any other option available anyways..!!

Weighing all the pros and cons; I had worn my Batik sari and reached Ruby’s place. Chhabi had welcome me opening the door for me. She had exclaimed that I had lost. Of course I had.. Ruby and auntie had been arranging for open terrace lunch upstairs. It was winters in December. Ruby had been expecting me- introducing me to her elder sister, she had vanished. Maybe to meet Sanjay.

It didn’t seem that I met Sarita for the 1st time then. She was a mother of maybe 3 year old and looked better than any of us did; when in her age that she was back then! After asking if I was comfortable talking to her about my personal stuff, she had then wanted to know if I had made any sort of “commitment” to that Blotch. Just exactly how it was; I had replied. It didn’t matter even if I had made one- he wasn’t the guy that I would want to know even as a distant acquaintance. Hearing me, she had seemed relaxed. She had repeated her question again just to be sure if I knew what I was speaking of.

We gelled around well- too well.. Touchwood. Didi was everything that I had always sketched about her in my mind and even more. Looking back at that instance; I pay gratitude to my fate for making me meet my idol and not disappointed. If at all, I was lucky to have come across her.

Taking the conversation further, I had also shared my apprehension of settling down (read: getting married). I so felt that getting married was like getting out of one ditch only to step into another one. “Mess” is the word, I had used to describe that. She had agreed.

I had become so shy in an instant. I had lost my smile and vivacity. I had sat at one corner upstairs and not spoken to anyone..!! Strange!! So strange of me..!! This is a sure sign that I am trying to get out of a situation and that nothing else mattered to me.

I have always been a happy-go-lucky girl 😀 Almost always. Any time I have behave indifferent; I have been saving myself to get healed. I giggle so much that anyone watching me would bet his life that I could be as serious as a dead man talking. My friends would stamp it. Ruby had seemed happy. Her eldest sister had talked good about me. For 1 big year, I had stayed in inferior conditions– much shameful to the core; but wasn’t affected a bit.

Didi had known well how to handle an emotional wreck. She had asked all questions that you would when dealing with your teenage sibling while making her see that how her present boy- friend was best left alone. I had to assert a few times that I was no ways involved with him emotionally.

Why was I to be? I’ll take crap from someone who fends for me- supporting me. Not from some un- educated lout who couldn’t stand his own state of being. Blotch had only needed someone to be dependent upon. He wasn’t favored at his parental home either. Who would? I would have felt guilty “conspiring at his back” if he had behaved a man enough earning his own finances to begin with.

The next morning, I had talked over with Ruby in the kitchen. Thats where there washing unit is now, before re-doing their house. I had discussed my apprehensions of getting married. In verbatim; Ruby I’ll do whatever you want me to, excepting getting married. For all these years, it had stayed in my mind as if I had given her a condition. After going through my own fateful marriage “deal”; I believe I had only tried to delay my Destiny. Good that Hemant was my own choice- I would have lost Ruby forever otherwise.

It was decided then that I looked for a decent earning job. Change my place of residence and out of Trans- Yamuna area. No Blotch, no masi, no uncle, no friends- none following me down.

After my stay for a couple of days, I had gone back. Blotch had heaved a sigh of relief! He had not known that that was a facade put up for him to get mis-guided. I had tried to talk to him about a few things. Like changing the place of residence, looking for a job and I changing my name. He couldn’t even pronounce it- much less approve it. Oh yes, he lived under an impression that He need to approve of everything for me. Whatever..!!

Ruby had suggested I did that. I had at once agreed. My mom had always wanted me to be Olivia and not “my previous name”. With the help of that slight nudge, I had morphed into my mom’s daughter completely. I had changed my signatures, my introduction and my identity.

I was getting ready to start my own battle. One that would last for my lifetime. A battle against all odds proving my identity without a last name and my father’s name.

Even so, when none of them were around me to prove my legality. That I am a human and a woman was denied many a times. People, relationships, associates and everyone else around have always wanted to know everything about me. After hearing they have silently backed off; often back stabbed too.

My travel wasn’t going to be anymore easier. With my kind of strict adherence to disciplines; I was just about to make my Life even more thorny. As a rose dwells amidst the thorns and sits pretty spreading it’s sweet fragrance around; I had then decided to use every stone as a stopple of opportunity. To use all of those to my advantage and move UP.

I was stepping into a live arena, where I had to stay up at nights too. I had to watch my back all times because no one dared to come at face. (all puns intended) Once they ejaculated, that’s when I had given them a doze of Indifference. One that they would never be able to come to terms with.

I am a thunder- I have been lightning..
I am roaring and now reaching..
It doesn’t matter who I strike..
‘coz once I do, I’ll claim his Life..

Posted in My Biopic Log, My Grievances, My mind, Our Society | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Sitting Idle

I have spent ONE LONG HOUR doing absolutely nothing this evening. No phone calls, no blogging, no reading, no talking- just sitting pretty..!!

Just another regular visit to my dentist. After one root canal, I have become as cautious as a Pigeon (yeah them 😀 ) I fly over the moment there’s a slight whisper- much less a sound. Well, I had to wait there for my turn for complete 60 minutes.

I felt so pushed on the edge that I had wanted to strike a conversation with my neighbor in an instant. That lady may have been my age if not older. Wearing a white salwar suit, she had covered her jaw with the corner of her dupatta (stole)!! Her toe nails were painted and had resembled what a KG standard kid would draw if asked to. All different shapes and sizes. Slippers were no great shakes..

I turned around to look at that elder lady who had come out of the clinic. She wore a beige cotton suit- not bad! I couldn’t guess her age- may have been 50- ish. Her toe nails were not painted- she wore slippers again and 2 gold bangles. Her complexion reflected on her regular facial massages. Face brighter than the lower neck 😀 Bearable still.

A sibling duo had sat opposite me, observing a Black horizontal striped T- shirt wearing dame. Ouchh, that dame had blonde hair and wore green sandals alongwith her denim short- skirt. That’s my uniform 😀 I have always loved wearing frocks and skirts. While I have to get back in shape to wear the Fs, Ss are the ones I am most comfortable in. Depending on the occasion, the top chosen completes a formal or semi- formal look. Casual is not me..

That young girl was obese- I had almost wanted to tell her to lose. It becomes tricky with passage of time. Ask me-

There was a young couple sitting diagonally across. The man was drooling all over the lady. So was the woman. That wasn’t intentional- that’s how their mannerisms are. Most of the locallites here have made it big by selling their lands; however, their habits and learnings still have remained rural.

All she may have been taught is to how to cook, sew and bring up kids. She wore a salwar suit and was sat how we would if only wearing jeans. I wonder- if we would still- unless we are exhausted and lost. She would often place her hand on that man’s calf. I had wanted to take her to a finishing school immediately. Had she been hired as my maid- I would have changed her genes for all times to come. That’s right. Ill- bred was the word. You still wondering why such strong words..

Here- in no time had her first leg gone up the seat. She had kept fiddling with her toe- nails till she decided to lift her other leg too. She had then decided to tap the sides of the seat. This had went on till she was called in for her turn!!

Watching her, I had felt so sick. They say marriage takes you way up as an elder- here are my doubts.

A fine looking lady had entered. Her teenage boy wore glasses. Fair complexioned- their talc or deo had whiffed good. She wore a Black and white suit. The young boy was busy playing with cellphone. I wondered what her age could be. If this guy was 11- 12, she may be anywhere between 35- 40. She looked elder yet very sophisticated. Her nails were painted; with 2 gold bangles, one on each of her wrists. She had stayed perfectly maintained and calm. Class speaks- thank you.

Outside, across the road, a man had squatted on the open grass, barren plot. It was sunny, on a connecting road, in everyone’s eye- view another lout had sat down to !$@#@. No points for guessing- Pee.. Eeeks.

I feel so embarrassed to be a citizen of a country where the Common Man and his conveniences are ignored. I fail to understand just why are we jumping high and low about Common Wealth Games? CWG is nothing but- Playing Games with Common Man’s Wealth.

That Dove perched on the Cable Wire seemed more at peace. Looking around and having felt disgusting (perhaps- most likely to be), she had flew away. I guess these cooing wonders are more blessed. They shift the moment they sense discomfort.

Oh my turn. Five minutes. Nothing but a panic attack- it seemed. I was sent home. 😀

Travelling though the mountains of mud and stone and diving through the potholes and puddles, I had reached home just on time to type this. I am going to watch TV now.

Happy Weekend.

Posted in My Grievances, My mind, Our Society | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Churning of My Life

While writing my earlier post; I noticed an uncanny relevance with a “Pauranic” (referring to Puranas) depiction. I have re-produced some of that for my Readers’ benefit.


Indra, the King of Devatas, while riding on an elephant, came across a sage named Durvasa who offered him a special garland. Indra accepted the garland, placing it on the trunk of the elephant. The elephant, irritated by the smell of the garland, threw it to the ground. This enraged the sage as the garland was a dwelling of Sri (fortune) and was to be treated as prasada. Durvasa Muni cursed Indra and all devas to be bereft of all strength, energy, and fortune.
In battles that followed this incident, Devas were defeated and Asuras (demons) led by king Bali gained control of the universe. Devas sought help from god Vishnu who advised them to treat asuras in a diplomatic manner. Devas formed an alliance with asuras to jointly churn the ocean for the nectar of immortality and to share it among them. However, Lord Vishnu told Devas that he would arrange that they alone obtain the nectar.



All I now need is Large amount of whirls that would elevate my status like what happened after Samudra Manthan.

  • I, My Life being the Ocean that is being churned.
  • My Determination being the Turtle providing support to the dasher to churn.
  • My Writing being the mountain acting as the dasher.
  • My Experiences being the multi- headed Serpent making the dasher roll.
  • Together, they bringing out about the atrocities I have been subjected to.
  • By re- living all the stances i.e., while remembering them again to write, I have gulped the poison and yet have sustained.

Had this churning not happened, no one would have known of these episodes ever; of the things that have happened to me. I would have gone un- noticed. I would have been left with that mix of ugly and good for all times to come. The dirt is what I am writing about in my biography.

I have been churned well, having made to go through all the idiocities for enough number of years. I have been given enough nonsense and yet “expected” to behave. Every relationship has its expectations and demands. I have lost all to fulfill any of these. The only way to hold me is to understand my things and appreciate them. By letting me be.

After having taken everything in my stride; now is the turn for the nectar.

My success and glory would let me drink from that ewer.

Posted in My Biopic Log, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Spirits of my Writing

The fact that I Blog and that my real life friends read me, or even that, that I am making friends with fellow bloggers in this virtual world; I have been calling for it for a very long time now. My mom had once mentioned that perhaps I have the ability to communicate with the forces of the Nature..

So have my close friends said- as the phrase goes that “my tongue maybe black”. It is believed that whenever someone with “black tongue” speaks, the words spoken, often take shape as mentioned in reality..!!

I am yet to conclude whether it’s my Mind, my Will or my Ability (to change) that has sustained me so far. Post by post as my Biopic Log would unfold, my readers would realize my walk through the impossible terrain. The zig- saw puzzle, the twists, the maze; all are so fitted in my Life- course that I often laugh wryly about it now- I write that in my perfect senses.

My Fellow Bloggers would be able to relate to this better. I had started with a Blog wherein I used to put my thoughts about this Society. The 1st post was My Story. After a while I had felt the need to segregate my biography from that Blog. While importing (the data) to this Blog, that page also traveled and was “promoted” as the 1st chapter of my biography. The 1st of My Biopic Log’s chapter- co- incidence?

Soon I had wanted to collate my poems and dreams into a different Blog. FYI, each time you create a Blog, unless you are old enough, it takes a huge amount of writing, commenting (on others’ blog) and efforts before you notice traffic. The same happened to my 3rd Blog. I had as if single mindedly concentrated that maybe something should happen whereby, the Poem Blog itself gives me a huge traffic good enough for all the three. My Biopic Log (this one) is my Primary Blog. So expecting traffic so soon on the other one was like asking for the moon.

And then.. Jingle had picked me up, inviting me to participate in the Blog Rally. I had read about that at Time- thief’s site. She has an enormous site comprising of enviable knowledge about Blogging. She is a woman too :D. Of all the posts, I had managed to read about Blog’s Carnival right on time- or else, I would have taken that Invitation to be a Spam Link..!!

Big Deal?

Yes. I have come across such talented Bloggers; reading whom I feel I have lost some precious years keeping myself out of this Application. My Dear Fellow Bloggers, you know, I am referring to you. For Readers, they are the ones who comment on my Blog no sooner it is published (making me feel embarrassed about their Love and commitment. See, I know the words and their application too)

All I had ever wanted is some support, standing by and not those blood suckling damned relationships. Many of you would say that this is shallow. Well, then what else does a guardian do? He just shows you the way, letting you walk on your own, exploring on your way. Only a kid oblivious to all is hand- held and walked. That’s what I feel about relationships. Crippling and tiring investment of futile emotions and vested interests.

Knowledge is best- shared and linked.

It would be interesting to note that I had wanted to use this image originally in the poem. Since I had wanted to upload a particular type of an image; I had replaced the original one with the one I have now. Not only I had found exactly the way my mind had wanted (the pic now uploaded was found after many days had gone by); but also now once again posting the original pic in reference with the same poem.

Mom often said “A book is an open window“. Here I am, keeping the pledge I made to her in that poem. I am concentrating as steeply as one can.

I had so wanted to write- since my childhood. I had harbored that thought that I’ll do that someday with much élan. I am well versed with the fact that I have huge miles to travel before I say- I WRITE. This is exactly where I am communicating with the forces around me to support my being.

Nature does reciprocate. You need to stay put your focus and concentrate at that just that point to achieve what you wish to.

They say that at any given point of time, “spirits” surround us from all sides . Spirits being that, they are free of any limitations. They can what’s beyond us. The dreams, imaginations and musings- that’s how they act. Our minds can barely conceive such levels of thoughts. They are free form of energies- without any direction.

Let me now concentrate and channelize these forces to create patterns for Me.

Posted in My Biopic Log, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

I know it all..

Caution: Proceed reading at your own risk. Do not freak out. The best is yet to come.


To say that my Intuition is strong, would be an understatement. Precognition/Premonition comes easy to me.

One of my avid readers and my ex- peer had commented asking about spirits. That’s where I thought of writing about them too. This one is only a small Introductory opening about THOSE. I have mentioned about “a voice over my shoulder” a few times already in my posts.

God is watching Us..
Can’t Move On..!!
My 1st Crush was my last Affair

These may have been a very minor depictions or simple stances to write about; I have some bigger incidences too- that can best be labeled as Paranormal.

Besides that theory I practice- that the thoughts create an immense force- field; there have been instances that have left me spell- bound. Almost like a communication with para- normal.

There, I have mentioned about that Dream in my Dream Blog. I had dreamt of that every night till I reached 5 years of age. The last time I had dreamt of that “Oldman”; the dream was kind of long. Hold On- I have dreamt of the 2nd part, only a couple of weeks back..!!

Since childhood, I have been kept protected- by mom- who else? She had harbored a faith that reading “An autobiography of a Yogi”, I may end up renouncing this world. If at all, it was after reading this book, that I had wanted to compile my autobiography. I was only 6- 7 years of age.. 😀

More often than not, I predict before storms would burst. That night too, I had sensed of that thunder storm to be whirling around. I had sent a text saying “Lightning” (only) to my boss.

In lighter words they say that I get what I want. In other words- I do communicate with “forces” inconceivable by most of us. The last time I did that to myself was when my several years of left arm pain was diagnosed to be only as Mystalgia..!!

I don’t watch horror movies at all- I actually feel haunted. If I step in, while you may be in the middle of planchette, the activity would soon halt. I have seen those happening in numerous ways- from a distance. No sooner I step closer, it ends.

I stay completely alone- so I ought to be pretty brave- what say? In winters, I often step out in dark, and move around at the upstairs terrace for long time. (In summers, opening the door or walking at nights would mean, inviting to play with creepy crawlies- arrrgh) I am most comfortable when pitch dark. I don’t feel scared or unfamiliar.

Maybe practice.. maybe it’s all within me..!!

My mom had encountered a few of those when she lived in Calcutta. I have almost walked through cemetery several times. I feel; it’s most peaceful there.

About that voice over my shoulder, I feel there’s a cute Devil that sits on my shoulder- often on the left one- guiding my ways. Anytime I have ignored its voice, I have been in problem. Like a complete force, it speaks giving my mind an idea which may seem highly illogical. I try and argue and it fights again. Thereafter it goes quite. That’s the time when I try to listen to what it has warned or instigated me for. So far, it has stayed devoted. (I hope he would feel better tonight since I am dedicating this post to him)

We all love to dominate and who doesn’t like to rule? But, to be able to control one’s Destiny is what I am wanting to master at. I may have also, to a certain degree- but the bigger chunk is yet to come. I feel it’s about time. Someday sooner than later, I would refer to this post that this is where I have mentioned that I had felt “it” was coming.

That voice is growing stronger day-by-day. I now feel it’s time for me to evolve, to evolute and to float around. Only future time would tell in what way that would be.

About “Spirits” and my encounters with those- let me try to take them out of my Memory Bank.

They have spent enough time playing hide n seek there.

Till such time, refer to this one- My Ganshu Darling- II.1. Those pics were clicked while I was sat in pitch dark room without electricity..!! (You see those 😉 )

Posted in My Biopic Log, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Lightning Desire

Last night, it had poured and rumbled..!!

No sooner I had updated my FB status as “It’s pouring- hippos and rhinos..!!”; the electricity had zapped..

A huge flash of lightning and then everything had gone pitch dark.. and then- huge grumbling of thunders.

It hasn’t been as scary since last so many monsoons. It’s almost Autumn or Fall, as the major part of the world refers to it as. It’s been raining like maybe competing with a Rain- forest. The house I stay in, is all glass as walls. I had sat stuffed up like a homeless wet bird in a lotus posture. With no lights, what else I could do?

While meditating, I had thought of viewing a lightning from a close angle. How would the flash be? The color, the feel and the sound..!! Would it give out sparks or would that be mystic to feel around? Would that be a streak of light or would that envelope me from all sides..? There, as an instant reply, I had felt as if I was really struck by a lightning.. and I had come back.

The intervals had shortened between two thunders. I had sat on that diwan bed under the handcrafted God effigy wall- hangings. The whole of the house floor would lit up for few seconds, before the glass panes would beat against the aluminium framings. I was both enjoying and somewhat awestruck too. It was a sheer delight, to watch a raw and passionate side of lightning streak through the horizon from up somewhere there and touch some ground behind the buildings.

Light thunders do happen all the time. I have watched those many a times. This was different. First a long strain of illuminated energy, followed by- almost overlapping blinding flash in my house and then, a huge roar after a couple of seconds. I had tried to control my urge to go out in open to seek its source and get struck by one. Instead, while meditating, I had felt more intensely nudged to touch that brilliant energy streak. What form of energy was that again- Plasma?

Why weren’t we taught in Physics class back in school? Whatever, it was, it definitely wasn’t a solid or a liquid or even gaseous.. Nevermind them.

If I were to look at the lightning straight, it was fiery red- and fiercely blinding. Just looking at that flash was like experiencing out of the world waves in mind. Very alienated- pushing me to discover more about them. This wasn’t the 1st time I had felt that- only that now I blog and so sharing about how I felt- yet again.

It wasn’t a Ray of Light, but an all consuming energy source emitting energy fields; the frequencies of which were beyond my capability to read. The sound of that striking was mightier than anything we might hear or have heard already. It was as if a Radio Broadcast from the space. Echoing and yet resonant- Dolby or surround sound seemed to be too minute in comparison. While echo loses its intensity till the last wave, the thunders maintained its magnanimity till the last crash.

Each spark had generated fury of desires in me- to feel them, to hear them more, to lose myself searching their source. My heart would skip a beat. My hair would raise. My stomach would belch. I would exclaim. With each flash of thunder; I had experienced a magic being created.

Around Me..

Were they actually a broadcast- from outer world, or galaxy or maybe universe? Maybe the supernaturals are the aliens and hence far more superior. We all romance with the idea that the outer- world beings maybe more stronger than us- in terms of knowledge and technology.

What were they trying to convey anyways? That we have all gone beyond sanity to achieve our far ambitious desires? That we ourselves created terrorists? That we maybe resorting to obnoxious practices in name of getting entertained? That we as humans are again going back to our “wild” ancestral mannerisms?

With our dreams to travel all around- aren’t we becoming nomads again? With more perks instead of hard cash, aren’t we getting back to barter system? With no amount of commitment in relationships; aren’t we displaying our animal affiliations of mating and moving? Only that, that even with all this- no one dares to agree to it. He would prefer reflecting upon our (not anymore) civilized ways. That’s where it hurts. Pseudo culture, show- biz, hypocrites, criticism, and the mother of all- the Corruption; no one in his sane head would agree that we have not graduated from the cave- men era yet.

My wanting to blend with the Nature at its wild; too reflects that that’s where we all belong- then why this facade..? Look at the lightning flash- anywhere it goes, it stays true- Roaring, destructing and scaring everyone and all. Could it be a group of human having achieved super- conscience?

While it had rained like all the water- falls of this world were squeezed within a kilometre radius; I had only sat and wondered. About Me, Nature and knowledge.

I wish to know all about the nature, space and spirits.

Posted in My Biopic Log, My mind, Our Society | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Delete Spam

We know that already, don’t we..?

Since it’s a SPAM, we tend to forget all about it. So, instead of just clicking Spam, delete it thereafter. Or else, each time you login, it’ll keep showing a Spam Mail/Comment count. We still know it.

Even Spams add to the bulk. They don’t deserve any space within your account/mailbox. Spam is a spam, delete it. Do not wait for one lazy day to do it. Neither would that “lazy” day happen; nor would you clean the Spam Box. But then why would you want to clean-up on a lazy day anyways- making yourself slog to read through the old Spam mails- atleast the subject? You don’t wish to check the cellphone SP or your Bank as Spam. There, you may have a couple of important mails tucked into that folder.

“Spam” love to comeback like your that loser boyfriend. Deal with it now. Really, they have a knack of flashing back exactly when you think it’s over. I am referring to both Spams and the Losers! Often a few IDs get checked as Spam ( 😦 ) You would only notice that if you keep your Spam folder empty- otherwise, it won’t really make a difference while Spam numbers going from 1038 to 1308. Likewise, you don’t want those sour people to move around fixing you up for an embarrassment because of their ways, using your name.

Oh, at times, Spams do fizzle out and get posted as a nice comment there. Ouchh!! Keep the option of moderating each and every comment, reserved to yourself.

  • You really don’t want your readers to read a comment from “P*nis Enlargement” saying “wow, get rocking in the bed- your woman’s gonna love it” under your post.
  • Worse, your post was about “What a loser your ex was”.
  • Worst, you notice that only after a few weeks..!! Omnigosh!!

Need I say that the same needs to be done with the old mails too..? The commercials, forwards and pass it on to… or else; they all need to leave now. Make that space empty for the newer and bulkier attachments..

All the best Cleaning old- junkie.. You would discover some beautiful “to be stored” mails. If in case you have forgotten about a few of those; well then, get rid of those. The chances are that you may end up forgetting all about those again.

Like we clean our garbage bin; do so with the Spams too. That necessarily may not be the Gmail Spam Box or the WP Blog Comment Spam; it applies directly to your lifestyle, your mind. The more cleaner you keep, the more healthy your account would remain. Keep yourself neat of all the offshoots.. Clutter..

Your email accounts and other profiles, computer desktop, kitchen shelves and your Work- Table; those just reflect on your outlook and how you treat people and relationships..!!

Step out of the mess..

Posted in My Biopic Log, My mind | Tagged , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Counting Still

Consider this:

  • You bought a Car- a brand new- Dream Vehicle.

*** WOW ***

Ponder about this, the before- thoughts:

  • You have finally decided to buy one.
  • You have graduated to reach there from fighting out all the mundane mis- opportunities.

Now figure this:

  • You wake up lazy.
  • The weather’s as beautiful as it could get.
  • You go out for a big shopping; read: groceries, veggies, some electronics.
  • You attend to a couple of need-to-attend-to jobs too.
  • You eat out at a good restaurant- may be your fave.
  • You come home. After enjoying a lazy shower you “gossip” with your girlfriends.
  • Watch TV.
  • Surf Net.
  • Eat what you packed for yourself for dinner..
  • snooze… zzz…. zz

Wouldn’t you feel good and even happier doing all of that the whole day..? Doesn’t small things count then..?

Why do we keep waiting for a “bigger” reason to celebrate? If you are so unhappy, go renounce the world. Strive to attain enlightenment. Or else and till such time, try and enjoy every single moment. We often look over what we have to feel miserable about what we don’t! How nice is that?

Look around, no matter how harsh the weather keeps; the moment it rains, the greens sway in joy. They don’t grow bitter and stand stiff against the breeze. They shower themselves in that rain- no matter however strong the fall may be or however light the drizzle may be. It changes its sway accordingly. Standing still and not stiff in heavy downpour and moving its branches while under a drizzle.

Enjoy every bit of your Life- now this is where I would say- Move On..!! Remember; being a kid, how a simple chocolate or your fave cartoon brightened up your days? How desperately you looked forward to watch TV again after exams? You are the same old (I mean grown- up; no offense meant :D) girlie; why don’t you now look forward to a weekend to enjoy a lazy morning? Perhaps a session at salon too..?

It’s all in your mind and attitude.

Try to freak out. Don’t carry the hurt. The reasons don’t make you feel happy- that’s momentary. You have to be at peace within yourself to feel happy. Bliss is all around- just change your glasses. How the traditional Indian homemakers try to find happiness in something as necessary an act as cooking. They may not be educated or even getting their spouse’s attention. Yeah that’s sad- but then, we have a lot to learn from them. How they marvel at creating their own niche and stay contented within..!!

You don’t have to cage yourself within limitations. Rather set yourself free of the tag of a “bigger” moment. Don’t forget to rejoice and love yourself. It’s your Life. Don’t let petty things affect your smile. Let your universe create a better world for you.

Change your attitude bit by bit and you would feel of a stronger energy reciprocating to your desires. If no logic helps you understand; keep in mind the Newton’s III Law of Motion.

Every action has its Equal and Opposite Reaction

Think about everything cheerfully. Smile more often. Laugh like nobody’s business. Stop hating others- it takes a lot of time and ugly thoughts to harbor that feeling- not worth. Moreover, what goes around, comes around.

  • Smile to grin like an idiot
  • Love yourself
  • Take pride in whatever you are/were

If simpler things don’t please you; nothing else would too.

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My Sunday Morning

Now this is what I call a Purrrrfect Sunday Morning.. Life isn’t all that bad after all. I guess we keep waiting for a “Big” and better opportunity to feel happy. Ignoring completely what we have- every small thought counts.

At 1pm, this is what I did since morning.

I was tucked in my bed well before 12 in the midnight instead of my usual 2am..!! Lazing through a sexy rainy morning, I woke up at 10. Right on time to watch “my” Ben 10 at CN. Oh yes, I love watching cartoons. It’s become a ritual to watch that since the last few years. Details would come up in another post.

At 11am, I had stepped out in the Living Room veranda for some gardening. It was so chillingly cold- it’s only September..!! I took out the dried leaves from caladium while getting wet. Even though it was raining light then, the breeze had showered tiny droplets all over my back and head. The feeling was Divine. If only I had not washed my hair yesterday evening, I would have stayed there a-la-Titanic and drenched myself.

For breakfast, I had prepared Tikki Chaat/Salad. Sorry, I was starving and so missed clicking a pic 🙂 While eating, I had thought of Amanda- my Blog- friend. She prepares good food and writes too well. No sooner I had switched on my Computer after the breakfast- there, Amanda’s comment was sat on my Blog.. wowie..!! Telepathy- I guess.

Since 10, I had been procrastinating going downstairs to pick my Newspaper up. Almost as an impulse forcing me; I had gotten up, lit up the gas burner, placing some water to boil for coffee and had headed downstairs. I knew it was raining; yet, I had gone down without covering my head.

I had stood there at the connecting door leading to stairs thinking how to step out. A grin had flashed my face soon. The remaining sun- mica sheets from the wood- work done in February, were still standing under the stair-case. I had picked up a big sheet and patted it clean.

Holding that sheet up my head, to save myself from getting wet, I had walked towards the gate. There, my soggy newspaper was breathing its last. I picked that up balancing that sheet with one hand. It was breezing pretty heavy. It was tricky holding the sheet with one hand- above the head (and not on the head) and bending to pick up the newspaper with another.

Walking back; I had smiled like a fool 😀 I wondered what all of them must have thought of me; whoever had watched i.e., I am sure, I was no less than a ticket- less show for their mornings. Like- whatever..!! (back to my post)

I have placed the newspaper at the pedestal outside my main door and brought the Brunch in. I like reading that- no matter what. That too has become a part of my Sunday Ritual. Just emptied a big mug of coffee in my Birthday Mug. Talked over the phone with Sophie, discussed Life, making her envy of the lovely weather here.

Again, the tap water is running chilly today. That’s not an exaggerated expression- it is actually shockingly cold. Showering under that cold water, it felt, as if I was under a waterfall- now that’s an exaggeration expression.

Now this is what I call a perfect Sunday Morning..

  • No maid
  • No boss (on my head)
  • Raining since morning
  • Pleasant to cool, inside the house
  • Watching Ben 10
  • Lovely Coffee in the Gift Mug 🙂
  • My white- Pink Spaghetti Frock
  • Some Bird (Pigeon 😀 ) watching
  • Blogging
  • A couple of pics (to capture the essence)

It’s orgasmic- if not more. Happy Sunday..!!

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From “Past” to making it Participle

You are because of what you were

Move On.. Don’t look back.. Forget It..!! Few of the phrases often misunderstood and mis- implied.

When someone asks you to look ahead, that doesn’t mean that you don’t watch your steps. Well, if you don’t- you know you are bound to tumble over and may even fall and earn an injury.

There’s no way to walk, other than keeping connected to the “ground”

Think of how a visually challenged man holds a stick to place it firm on the ground. He uses that to “connect” to read and understand the things in his immediate surroundings. Just how do you think he could walk otherwise?

To climb a mountain, you would have to start from the bottom. Even if you were a bird; you would have to still sail upwards- constantly.

Our Life too is multi- dimemsional

Our present is a direct outcome of our actions in the past. How we may have handled our situations or even developed our “outlook” would stand to affect our present and hence the future to come too. It can’t be referred to as limited or constricted to “today”. It will stretch its shoots in the past. At other times, the past may be stronger than your “present” and hence stretch the shoots on its own. Worst, its fragments may lay embedded in your Life for all times to come..

Move On.. Don’t look back.. Forget It..!! How are we doing it then?

  • By facing it again.
  • By acknowledging the ugliness.
  • By understanding and reading the situation.
  • By learning the lessons.

Probability and Permutation Combination

Unfortunately I had hated those chapters. For some reason, I was never able to solve those “sums”. Incidentally, I could demonstrate the understanding and adapt those chapters- in my Life, a little too well. Try and look into the situation again. From all the angles possible. Imagine how your best friend may have reacted!! How you would have handled it for her?

Remember how we experimented to analyze the Chemistry Practical salts?

Check on why you fell prey to that crap- to begin with. What were your shortcomings? Going forward- How you could avoid those limitations to re- appear?

Was that your fault..?

If you answer that honestly, you would often get an “Yes”. The more “Yes” you get; the more Intelligently you maybe handling yourself.

Change is the only constant

We aren’t perfect. We weren’t born that way. To be able to achieve a level of perfection; is also an art. You know you have mastered the Art when you learn to evolute constantly. The moment you stop saying “it’s good enough”, you would be thrown back. By the time you recover, you would have been left far behind.

Move On.. Don’t look back.. Forget It..!! Is it really as simple as that?

Face, acknowledge and deal with it. Once having done that, you would become indifferent. “Taking in one’s stride” happens at this level. Remember- your parents often made you stand in dark for you to grow out of fear for dark? Copy that again.

Black is when there’s no light. Mystery is till it is unresolved. Go ahead- resolve it. It’s your Life and it’s about you. Play it well. Forgive yourself- you’ll be at peace.

Try and recall everything without getting hurt. Do that as many times as it takes. You are bound to become Indifferent and Resistant.

Maybe crocodiles are the best example here.

They have crawled the face of earth since a very long time. Through all ages and seasons possible. How? By constantly adapting themselves and not crib about the change.

Courage, strength and endurance doesn’t mean the level of bearing it- but the level of tolerating it- remaining completely unaffected. Become Tensile and not remain an Elastic alone.


There’s the Body, essence, meaning, metaphors, similes.. Likewise, sketch one or more for your Past instances too.

Don’t become a patient- become a carrier..!!

The one who is a carrier may still have the virus in his system; but remains unaffected. A patient is the one who gets infected and affected too. Snake, Scorpion- they carry the venom and sting- how many times have they killed themselves over?

Past is important

  • History?
  • Archeologists?
  • Carbon Dating?
  • Analysis?
  • Life?

From childhood to growing up to .. how come it could be squeezed in “today” alone? How would a plant stand tall without embedding its roots? The deeper that goes, the taller and stronger does a tree stand.

Conclusion: Learn to live with it. Making it friends. How would have you become wiser then? The more grounded you remain, the more firmly you pace yourself..!!

  • Move on– Girlie, it’s your Life, don’t sit stuck; you would be left alone blatantly..
  • Don’t look back– Look out for newer opportunities. Isn’t night succeeded and preceded by a bright morning, evening and two days?
  • Forget It– It’s not worth investing in self- pity. Forget the hurt. You have lived that once already. Win it over and make it your slave.

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Welcome Dear Weekend

This is about yesterday- 17th September, 2010

I had kept blushing the whole of yesterday.. Reason..? Lets see.. umm.. Maybe because-

  • Winter’s approaching.
  • Maybe that was because of the workout sessions- LOL.

Whatever the reason may have been or not, I had kept blushing. Then again- I am 33 now! Am I suppose to- still..?

Almost under an impulse I had taken out that green “mis- matched” shirt to wear. Designed by me, it’s a rare piece of appliqué..!! All the 3 main blocks stitched, are from different lengths. 1 of them is what dad had brought as sample from his office- NTC some 20 years ago, if not more 😀

So what about that shirt? I was able to wear it this time. It’s only been 10 days since I have been riding “high” on my bike– not a bad return of my workout, not at all ! 10 days back, I couldn’t wear that. Only the previous night, I had dreamt that I had lost inches (!!) and was moving around the house fretting how loose my outfits had become. I wore a green blouse in that dream 🙂 Just look at my pics- I am completely red in my face- 🙂 Usually that happens after a couple of Vodkas.. 🙂

I had gone out to shop for veggies from the local market in the afternoon. That’s when I had clicked myself 🙂 I wore a green shirt yesterday, as I had in that dream too; fitting in gracefully! Don’t congratulate me yet- I have a long way to go- I mean loose..

I have decided once and for all times to come; to stick to my red- lipper even while wearing green. Big Deal! I’ll only resemble a direct cousin of that of a parakeet.

Au Naturale..

I was so chilled and thrilled, that in one shot, I had concluded the last 2 posts of an ugly chapter of my Biography.. Now I would be moving through the ups and downs till I again get caught in a mess. But before that, many more men, their mannerisms and some very forgettable instances to come; only the memories have stayed with me till now.

Stay tuned..

Like one of my friends- Monika says- Stay Blessed you all.

Happy Weekend..

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Relation with my Relatives

I still spent my weekends at masi’s place often. Once it so happened that during my stay, Runa had come over with Pradeep (her husband). She had as if completely ignored my greeting her. She had reacted as if I was one menial trying to seek her attention uselessly.

The following morning, she had taken me to task.

After masi had left for her work, I had tried to catch up with my cousin sis. I had kept somewhat disturbed because of her ignoring me. We had sat on their Dining Table Chairs just outside the Kitchen. It was a small gallery like area just before the hand- pump in the adjoining veranda leading to the back door. That was for the upstairs tenants.

Runa had not replied to any of the pleasantries that I had tried to initiate to break that awkward silence. She had demanded to know that since how long I had been staying there. Like an idiot that I was, I gave her all the details of how I spent my off days with my masi- her mother.

With utmost rudeness and hatred; she had then enlightened upon the fact that how she had hurriedly gotten married to give her parents some peace and space with each other. My stay over at Runa’s maiden home was nothing but an intrusion in her parents’ privacy.

I had gotten up quietly and packed up my stuff without any word after that. The 1st floor Kakima who was their tenant, had come down to inquire about what had happened. She had overheard talking Runa with me in a very low pitch but not volume.


Only one more time I had gone to her place thereafter. Blotch had sent me over to patch up. Reason- there wasn’t anything to spend on food. Despite my resistance, I had still gone. Good that I had. Mesho had answered the back door and said that masi wasn’t home.

That’s it.

I had vowed to never go to my masi’s place ever again. So my dying mom was right after all. Even within her last few breathing seconds, she had made me wiser with some of the greatest learnings of her Life. Soon to become the truth of my Life too.

  • Not expect any help from masi and dad.
  • To never look back at what is past.
  • To never ever be dependent on anyone- even if it was a blood relationship.

To this day, that learning has stayed with me. Loyal to me. After 15 years, I may have been able to type the essence in as many words. Back then, it was far confusing. Clashing with how it was supposed to be otherwise. Completely alien and unheard of. As children, how many of us have faced such naked and raw truths?

Were we expected to even?

Even though the learning had stayed with me ever since, I was barely able to stitch them together in words, for others to hear and understand. They were too bare and brutal, to be even talked about; much less openly.

Ruby had felt that pang in me and had wanted me to change. She now understands that that remains as my nondetachable twin. If at all; in the past few years, it has grown in me and is still growing on me.

Perhaps the “faults” lay in me- maybe.

As a defense Technic, I had killed my vivacious self within, in no time. The more I kept quite and forgettable; less curiosity I rose amongst people. Them around me had taken to my “Minding my own business” look kindly. At work I was considered as a serious employee. Till it had turned towards being snob, high up attitude, Blah..!!.

I had not known that I was becoming a strategist in my own “world”. I had learnt the rules a little too early and without much damage. Or may I say that I had managed to stay un- affected? I was mastering the art of becoming a silent observer and making notes. So I could use them to my advantage at a later time- if need be.

Sadly, anywhere I have tried to play with mind/heart/or whatever instead of with strategies; I have failed- miserably. So this is my 4th and 5th lesson –

To stay focussed and play to the Gallery..

Or else- quit.. So far, I haven’t. My each day is as it comes to me. Uncalculated, non- cognitive and highly adventurous. My one single hot- headed move can put my existence and survival well below the starting point. Lets not get there now- that would come up in the posts to come anyways.

I had stopped visiting masi for all times to come. Atleast that’s what I had decided then. Reserving one time to go back and pay her help back. Why? Because if my mom being her real sis had returned her help, I was to only abide by that. Masi had helped mom once- that was maybe when my dad was struggling to look for a job. An instance shared by mom and then later confirmed by masi.. Mom had deposited that money in masi’s a/c since she had refused to take that back.

  • I ought to keep my mom’s pride unaffected.
  • Not because she was my mom; but because she was dead and couldn’t be around to make any possible amends.
  • I was to only imitate mom.
  • I was one more relationship distant (they were sisters, I was sister’s daughter)

Lets not forget that if only I had stayed with my masi, I would have been able to save my mom’s jewellery. An abortion. My stay with a loser- Blotch and loads of other mis- happenings. The money could have then be utilized to complete my 3rd year too. Nevermind.

As I always say, God watches over me. My course still awarded me an enviable certificate of successfully completing my 2 years.

I don’t know of how I know this- her son was born the same year when I worked with Hotel Siddharth, on 7th August. That way, she would never ever be able to forget me. My DOB is 11th August. Years later, in 2001, Maya had bumped into me. I had gone to Lakshmi Nagar to collect my suit given over for stitching. She had expressed concern- really and had wanted me to go over to my masi’s place. Although I had asked her not to speak a word about me- because I didn’t want to be talked; she had done what suited her mind. Vomited my meeting her on the road.

Once I had spotted my masi crossing the road from the bus stop; I had stepped back to escape her eyes. Ditto one another time with Anup Patra too. They were all around to load me with their sermons. No one had wanted to bear my load of responsibility.

This is exactly where I feel that I have lived my Life. That there’s no more to experience.

I am not in a position to experiment- anyways.

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Collecting more nonsense

men, men and more of them.. all of them!! You noticed that right- beginning the 1st word with a small alphabet- that’s all they have earned from me.

So far, all of them have proven their genes- each one of them. Without any exception. Teachers, seniors, Peers, ex- colleagues, and all the relationships so far- every one of them. I have my own reasons to feel bitter about this species! Not that the woman were any better.. only Ruby being the exception.. Is their any smiley to express smirk..? May be this :-/

As I write this today, I have a huge friend list on FB. All of them collected over last so many years. I had lost touch with everyone. I had my priorities to sort out. I am glad and thankful to each one of them to have connected back. Most of them read my Blog too (and don’t comment- grrrr!!). Ruby being the only one who has been with me in almost all the situations- making me believe in her. At times, even more than my ownself.

No one had stayed in touch with me- no names being included. Neither had anyone stepped out of their comfort zone to feel for me- even on a sympathetic level. Ruby is my age. Then, was a student just like me and trying to work, managing affair with her boy- friend (now her husband) and also work things out for me.

The amount of respect I have, I see her on a pedestal always. I don’t equate her with me. She is far superior. I fail to treat her as my friend- she had been my parent. In One girl, I have lived all of the blood relationships possible. Within seconds she had flipped over from being a friend to guardian, to defender, to companion..

She has raised the level of “friendship” and “relationship” to such a high level that placing anyone around in my sane senses, is out of all questions.


Blotch had been keeping out most of the time. That year he had kept himself at a distance around my birthday. I had traveled to ITO to meet him. That’s where he stayed in ICCR staff quarters. His father was a Security Guard- a fact established much later. He had handed over some 11/- bucks as my birthday present.

You get the idea now..? About him and his mannerisms? Are you able to place him now..? Not locate him but understand? He was a Garhwali boy, with a strong accent. Oh no, I am not going to describe him- he doesn’t deserve that space; he has taken more words for himself as it is. Those 11/- bucks had as if imprinted the agony- in very strong words, in my mind.

I was growing up and so the distaste for him and his habits. I had never been fond of him anyways- yet..!!

I had completed my 2nd year and with merit points. I was more busy looking for alternatives. For a better life- style and a job..!!

Like the previous year, he had been missing that year too on Divali. His father had made him sit for booze- was his excuse. So the relationship he used to harp about, while pressing me for getting married to him, was only a crap!!

Why not? A better looking girl, well- educated and not with any familial support for her to lean upon; what better than taming her for bringing him up? He had wanted a mother- one who could cook for him and look after him like a helpless baby. Needless to say, that mother would also slog to earn for her baby.

Just when I had given up all hopes of getting away and out of that mess; Ruby had appeared again. I was stood on my bed trying to clean that slab type shelf when I had turned to see 2 pairs of eyes watching me in amusement. Sanjay had taken Blotch to the adjoining Hall to chat about “manly” things and Ruby had stayed in my room to brain- wash me. To make me understand that that was not the end of Life and that Life was indeed waiting for me to step out. We had discussed things at length and she had left. I had promised to go over to her place once I had decided what to do.

Of course, Blotch had become that obnoxious pest which tries to flap over to fly around after it’s been squashed.. making a further mess of himself. eeaauuh! (he doesn’t deserve any place to be in bold)

He had kept wanting to know what we had talked about. I had kept mum. I had not even as much as whispered, much less speak. I had behaved as if Ruby and I had talked about nothing. He would not “catch” me brooding when around me. I would do that after he was gone.

Apparently, Ruby had managed to make me see sense that I certainly had a “chance” to step out and establish my smudged Identity again.

I knew what it was; I had needed a support. A stepper to place my foot firm on. An assurance, some hand- holding.. and loads of understanding. I had become completely bitter with absolutely no concern for anyone. I had become what I had watched. Completely un- attached and uncaring.

Wearing my Batik Sari, I had stepped out to travel to Rohini again. Blotch was sat on that ITO bus- stand- as usual, waiting for me to reach. He had as if read me and so had sat watching out for me- Whatever..!! He had wanted to know where I was going to- I had obliged him with the information. He had demanded that I tell him when I would be back. I had replied in as many words- whenever he thought, he had enough money to feed me, he could expect me back. In a way, that was the reality. I had not eaten a single morsel for the past 3 days in succession. I had not let Asha didi know about that too.

I had wanted myself to be pushed that far so I could make amends. Assessing the situation was easy; that was done. Breaking the pattern was not- and that was what I had needed to understand. That had also meant looking for a new place to stay in, shifting, talking to the new landlords, putting up a facade- I wasn’t going to talk about my “things” to all. OBVIOUSLY..

I had decided to break free of all the tangible emotions.

I had only loved Himanshu- till then. Hopelessly trying to forget him. What could he have done? It was okay for a kid to plan to elope and get married. An idea that never appealed to me back then too; what to consider about that now..? Moreover, I had read him. He was indecisive- not able to reach any conclusion. His logics seemed affected with redundant and obsolete outlook. Why talking about him now? Because- he would re- appear, soon- again… and again!

I had once and for all decided to stay away from all men possible. To stay as indifferent as possible. To not feel for them anymore.. To stay detached and single for all times to come.

What about sex then..? That didn’t allure me- I have experienced the darker side of getting intimate. For me, getting in bed with men was like paying a too high a price. One, because that would mean talking about all the ugly experience; in the name of getting to know each other. Two, I would run a risk of getting judged. Three, I may again fall into the same trap.

A relationship seemed to be even worse option, back then. The things how they were with me; the chances were firm of getting exploited.

My college “weaving” sir had already put in his remarks asking me- why was I flying so high? He had “advised” that with whatever finances I had, I should have arranged to get married!! To whom- ? He had then expressed in most distasteful manner that I didn’t know what mistake I had committed by investing in completing my 2nd year. That would fetch no good but a marriage would have. This elderly man must have been in his late 40s if not elder.

My telling him to shut up had not worked. Only after a few days, he had called me to one different classroom to meet another teacher. Yet another girl had then approached me to talk about adopting me.. What f*cking nonsense?

That oldie had sat chatting about me in that class, when that girl had overheard their conversation. She had then approached her class- teacher with the idea. This girl had talked about me to his father, and he, out of pity had offered me to shift to their place. Really now- why? I mean why at all did that oldie discuss me?

I don’t remember her name- had wanted to talk to me in detail. Alright girlie, go ahead.. So I was to shift at their place. Her father would then assist me complete my TD course- monetarily and then would get me married off.. What the hell? Were they “adopting” a girl or wanted to play “adopting”? He had wanted me to sell off everything- my belongings, furnitures or whatever I was carrying and shift to their house. For me, those belongings mattered the most. They constituted my “home”, “me”. I had taken enough shit to get them from my uncle and even more to preserve them. Getting rid of my belongings, stuff and other memoirs was like someone asking me to stop breathing.

I had sternly asked that oldie to keep out- or else. Telling me that I was flying too high and that I was fool- hardy, since I wasn’t behaving woman; he had retrieved. How had he come aware of my things? My HOD must have gossiped when I had asked for exempting my last term fee. That’s the only possible logic that strikes me. They were both same age and that Ms. Kshama Mehra too often ridiculed my applying lipper. Really!! Was I to cry the whole time? What was she expecting that I keep wearing a forlorn look? I was 19, I liked applying lippers or sticking a bindi and even dangle ear- tops.. Well, she had banned all of that- For ME.

I was an orphan anyways; I was leading a life of one, to say the least. Then, I was even forced to dress- up like one.. To hell with that witch or any other rhyming word; that she had been to me.

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