men, men and more of them.. all of them!! You noticed that right- beginning the 1st word with a small alphabet- that’s all they have earned from me.
So far, all of them have proven their genes- each one of them. Without any exception. Teachers, seniors, Peers, ex- colleagues, and all the relationships so far- every one of them. I have my own reasons to feel bitter about this species! Not that the woman were any better.. only Ruby being the exception.. Is their any smiley to express smirk..? May be this
As I write this today, I have a huge friend list on FB. All of them collected over last so many years. I had lost touch with everyone. I had my priorities to sort out. I am glad and thankful to each one of them to have connected back. Most of them read my Blog too (and don’t comment- grrrr!!). Ruby being the only one who has been with me in almost all the situations- making me believe in her. At times, even more than my ownself.
No one had stayed in touch with me- no names being included. Neither had anyone stepped out of their comfort zone to feel for me- even on a sympathetic level. Ruby is my age. Then, was a student just like me and trying to work, managing affair with her boy- friend (now her husband) and also work things out for me.
The amount of respect I have, I see her on a pedestal always. I don’t equate her with me. She is far superior. I fail to treat her as my friend- she had been my parent. In One girl, I have lived all of the blood relationships possible. Within seconds she had flipped over from being a friend to guardian, to defender, to companion..
She has raised the level of “friendship” and “relationship” to such a high level that placing anyone around in my sane senses, is out of all questions.
Blotch had been keeping out most of the time. That year he had kept himself at a distance around my birthday. I had traveled to ITO to meet him. That’s where he stayed in ICCR staff quarters. His father was a Security Guard- a fact established much later. He had handed over some 11/- bucks as my birthday present.
You get the idea now..? About him and his mannerisms? Are you able to place him now..? Not locate him but understand? He was a Garhwali boy, with a strong accent. Oh no, I am not going to describe him- he doesn’t deserve that space; he has taken more words for himself as it is. Those 11/- bucks had as if imprinted the agony- in very strong words, in my mind.
I was growing up and so the distaste for him and his habits. I had never been fond of him anyways- yet..!!
I had completed my 2nd year and with merit points. I was more busy looking for alternatives. For a better life- style and a job..!!
Like the previous year, he had been missing that year too on Divali. His father had made him sit for booze- was his excuse. So the relationship he used to harp about, while pressing me for getting married to him, was only a crap!!
Why not? A better looking girl, well- educated and not with any familial support for her to lean upon; what better than taming her for bringing him up? He had wanted a mother- one who could cook for him and look after him like a helpless baby. Needless to say, that mother would also slog to earn for her baby.
Just when I had given up all hopes of getting away and out of that mess; Ruby had appeared again. I was stood on my bed trying to clean that slab type shelf when I had turned to see 2 pairs of eyes watching me in amusement. Sanjay had taken Blotch to the adjoining Hall to chat about “manly” things and Ruby had stayed in my room to brain- wash me. To make me understand that that was not the end of Life and that Life was indeed waiting for me to step out. We had discussed things at length and she had left. I had promised to go over to her place once I had decided what to do.
Of course, Blotch had become that obnoxious pest which tries to flap over to fly around after it’s been squashed.. making a further mess of himself. eeaauuh! (he doesn’t deserve any place to be in bold)
He had kept wanting to know what we had talked about. I had kept mum. I had not even as much as whispered, much less speak. I had behaved as if Ruby and I had talked about nothing. He would not “catch” me brooding when around me. I would do that after he was gone.
Apparently, Ruby had managed to make me see sense that I certainly had a “chance” to step out and establish my smudged Identity again.
I knew what it was; I had needed a support. A stepper to place my foot firm on. An assurance, some hand- holding.. and loads of understanding. I had become completely bitter with absolutely no concern for anyone. I had become what I had watched. Completely un- attached and uncaring.
Wearing my Batik Sari, I had stepped out to travel to Rohini again. Blotch was sat on that ITO bus- stand- as usual, waiting for me to reach. He had as if read me and so had sat watching out for me- Whatever..!! He had wanted to know where I was going to- I had obliged him with the information. He had demanded that I tell him when I would be back. I had replied in as many words- whenever he thought, he had enough money to feed me, he could expect me back. In a way, that was the reality. I had not eaten a single morsel for the past 3 days in succession. I had not let Asha didi know about that too.
I had wanted myself to be pushed that far so I could make amends. Assessing the situation was easy; that was done. Breaking the pattern was not- and that was what I had needed to understand. That had also meant looking for a new place to stay in, shifting, talking to the new landlords, putting up a facade- I wasn’t going to talk about my “things” to all. OBVIOUSLY..
I had decided to break free of all the tangible emotions.
I had only loved Himanshu- till then. Hopelessly trying to forget him. What could he have done? It was okay for a kid to plan to elope and get married. An idea that never appealed to me back then too; what to consider about that now..? Moreover, I had read him. He was indecisive- not able to reach any conclusion. His logics seemed affected with redundant and obsolete outlook. Why talking about him now? Because- he would re- appear, soon- again… and again!
I had once and for all decided to stay away from all men possible. To stay as indifferent as possible. To not feel for them anymore.. To stay detached and single for all times to come.
What about sex then..? That didn’t allure me- I have experienced the darker side of getting intimate. For me, getting in bed with men was like paying a too high a price. One, because that would mean talking about all the ugly experience; in the name of getting to know each other. Two, I would run a risk of getting judged. Three, I may again fall into the same trap.
A relationship seemed to be even worse option, back then. The things how they were with me; the chances were firm of getting exploited.
My college “weaving” sir had already put in his remarks asking me- why was I flying so high? He had “advised” that with whatever finances I had, I should have arranged to get married!! To whom- ? He had then expressed in most distasteful manner that I didn’t know what mistake I had committed by investing in completing my 2nd year. That would fetch no good but a marriage would have. This elderly man must have been in his late 40s if not elder.
My telling him to shut up had not worked. Only after a few days, he had called me to one different classroom to meet another teacher. Yet another girl had then approached me to talk about adopting me.. What f*cking nonsense?
That oldie had sat chatting about me in that class, when that girl had overheard their conversation. She had then approached her class- teacher with the idea. This girl had talked about me to his father, and he, out of pity had offered me to shift to their place. Really now- why? I mean why at all did that oldie discuss me?
I don’t remember her name- had wanted to talk to me in detail. Alright girlie, go ahead.. So I was to shift at their place. Her father would then assist me complete my TD course- monetarily and then would get me married off.. What the hell? Were they “adopting” a girl or wanted to play “adopting”? He had wanted me to sell off everything- my belongings, furnitures or whatever I was carrying and shift to their house. For me, those belongings mattered the most. They constituted my “home”, “me”. I had taken enough shit to get them from my uncle and even more to preserve them. Getting rid of my belongings, stuff and other memoirs was like someone asking me to stop breathing.
I had sternly asked that oldie to keep out- or else. Telling me that I was flying too high and that I was fool- hardy, since I wasn’t behaving woman; he had retrieved. How had he come aware of my things? My HOD must have gossiped when I had asked for exempting my last term fee. That’s the only possible logic that strikes me. They were both same age and that Ms. Kshama Mehra too often ridiculed my applying lipper. Really!! Was I to cry the whole time? What was she expecting that I keep wearing a forlorn look? I was 19, I liked applying lippers or sticking a bindi and even dangle ear- tops.. Well, she had banned all of that- For ME.
I was an orphan anyways; I was leading a life of one, to say the least. Then, I was even forced to dress- up like one.. To hell with that witch or any other rhyming word; that she had been to me.