Often I turn to reading the posts I wrote here before now. Each one of these are an alarm clock to my yester year struggle, my patient dealing with the transition joining the present I desperately wanted to leave; now past and my present- then a fancy dream of improbability, and my sensational win over the situation, rediscovering my lost self and establishing the woman and the rebel I am in an undefinable way.
These are the times when I’m handling the over arching and yet somewhat pseudo situation in space time. I go back to reading the words I wrote here to set a reminder to not give in. The shrill of clanking bells create a set up for my mind to stay drunk in the glory of my last victory and a push to carry on.
However distant it seemed while within, it has worked always.
Only recently I experienced a change. I’m in the same business, familiar faces, same profile and yet the mere change of workstation, line of business and team has set me into another set of transition. So it was a change I was wishing for since long and this change has put me in another transit.
While I’m in the zone of being transcended, the zone I left was a sort of engulfing vortex. For sometime it seemed unending. The very understanding of what was going on was further dragging me insitde a pit with slimy walls to support my crawl upward whenever I attempted to turn around… not that I had that choice.
I wanted it to happen in an organised fashion… like an event turning up to conclusion as scripted instead of I applying for a remediation. There was a lot at stake. Obviously, I wanted to keep everything intact… the poise, the facade and my faith in synchronicity!
It’s part humorous and part ironical that the name of my business resonates with the term “synchronicity”. I secretly prayed that things resolved animatedly as though pre-programmed instead of me getting vocal or the other side becoming powerful pinning me down to a level where I scream.
The travel has sent me to a new travelling path. It’s chaotic- the change and yet there are factors bringing me to serenity! How birthdays and festivals marked passage of year’s time before is now marked by appraisal, ‘rating’ and bonus.
While I was sorting and surviving the change and the take aways from previous phase, the transition I was anticipating hit me. Part pleasant; part surprising, it is overwhelming and brand new. Most of it is how I often wanted…
It’s a change alright. A person. A relationship. An experience.
That’s all about the desirable piece. It has a strong flavor of time twisted around. It has elements of my previous experiences with close associations, only I am now at the other side!
Often I see myself during the last over two decades that determines my action based on how I had desired my associations rather treated me. It’s expending. It is emptying me a little bit more everyday.
With all that and more than words can convey, I’m not worried for time to come with/without him. I feel headstromg. I’m involved in the immediate venture. My complete state of being is doused in that project I undertook three years back. Let’s just say I picked up the cord that lay loose since last 25 years. It’s a demon I’m fighting everyday and I have no choice other than to win.
It took me over 3 months to write this post. I was hinted to wait to conclude. Today was the day when I typed all that I needed to include within the write. There’s more to come, indeed. For Now, I have to conclude the assignment I undertook. Everything else is seated at the back burner. It is now clear that that change at work was to stabilize me just a bit, bring about the change I’m experiencing now and advance me towards a milestone that will truly be one.
I’m anxious, unresting; always on the lookout, alert.
I am not praying for this change to stayby till then. I’m living it. Only as much as that I don’t let the demon go out of my sight.
Dear life, you surprised me alright.